MacGuges's recent activity
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2025) in ~health.mental
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Comment on How social media shortens your life in ~tech
MacGuges Link ParentI've enjoyed Subnautica, particularly since I began playing it in Hard mode. Each death is a particularly acute angle!I've enjoyed Subnautica, particularly since I began playing it in Hard mode. Each death is a particularly acute angle!
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2025) in ~health.mental
MacGuges Link ParentThank you for sharing, that tracks. You're living proof of neuroplasticity! I recently borrowed a book from our library, Atomic Habits, that agrees with you. Reading it hasn't stopped me from...Thank you for sharing, that tracks.
You're living proof of neuroplasticity! I recently borrowed a book from our library, Atomic Habits, that agrees with you. Reading it hasn't stopped me from self-castigating, but I imagine that I need to begin some small regular applications to realize the truth of it for myself.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2025) in ~health.mental
MacGuges Link ParentThanks! Actually, I've already talked to a bankruptcy lawyer, with the Legal Aid Society of Rochester. They'll be waiving their fee so all I need to pay is the court's fees, about $350 IIRC. I...Thanks! Actually, I've already talked to a bankruptcy lawyer, with the Legal Aid Society of Rochester. They'll be waiving their fee so all I need to pay is the court's fees, about $350 IIRC.
I still have to answer the court filing but I don't expect that I'll need to disclose most of the IOUs from my friends, who were incredibly helpful but nevertheless for small amounts.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2025) in ~health.mental
MacGuges LinkI imagine that it'd be good if I were to find a new therapist to address myself to but until that happens, Hello Tildes, I'm feeling scared and vulnerable and maybe exposing these feelings to the...I imagine that it'd be good if I were to find a new therapist to address myself to but until that happens, Hello Tildes, I'm feeling scared and vulnerable and maybe exposing these feelings to the public Internet isn't the smartest, but where has being smart and emotionally reserved gotten me? I've struggled with depression, a ruthless internal critic, and decision paralysis for decades, which could be my karma for generational trauma.
I don't know how to exercise compassion for myself. I'm fifty-three, single, no income and no savings. I intend to declare bankruptcy as soon as I can afford it. Fortunately I'm in a place where I have some time to work things out, my room and board is covered while I work here and I may even earn a little pocket money, pay off my IOUs to friends. I suppose that is actually very fortunate indeed.
I wrote a poem,
Nothing oh nothing
Time to do time to act but
Just crawl into NoThere's so much I could be doing, practically speaking, to improve my circumstances.
- Plan how to complete a gig for the platform I signed up with, and earn some extra money.
- Study Python (and Git) to refresh my coding skill.
- Study the sewing machine and mend the cover for my mattress.
- Study double entry bookkeeping and begin to track my finances.
- Study Spanish to make friends and prepare to organize with my local Hispanic neighbors.
- Study yoga to improve my posture for meditation.
Why can't I kick myself into gear already?? I'm not getting any younger.
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Comment on How are you different than you were ten years ago? in ~talk
MacGuges LinkI'm grateful for this prompt today, I'd not been writing on Tildes.net or any online forums for a long time. Answering what's changed for me in the past ten years is convenient for re-introducing...I'm grateful for this prompt today, I'd not been writing on Tildes.net or any online forums for a long time. Answering what's changed for me in the past ten years is convenient for re-introducing myself to this community.
Ten years ago I had been re-entering the Real World after living in the semi-monastic Rochester Zen Center for three plus years. And now I'm back, at RZC, and I just requested reinstatement to long-term staff. I don't know how long I intend to stay this time, but I recognize this is will be a healthier, happier place for me for the time being.
Ten years ago I had learned that my life wouldn't be defined by my depression, and that I was so much more capable than I'd feared. But though I had found equanimity and a meditation practice, in eight years I would suffer a nervous breakdown, relapse into severe depression, and lose all of my savings for retirement. I've had the experience of becoming a mentor and knowledge resource at my IT job. But American work culture is not especially supportive of people struggling with their mental health, though you could be forgiven for believing otherwise.
After losing my job with iboss I needed time, though the NYS Labor department needs you to find another job. In my experience, those without experience of depression fail to understand how difficult it is to respond promptly in a timely fashion to bureaucracy. Overwhelming grief is overwhelming. New York State expects you to profess to actively searching for work, once a week, to receive unemployment benefits.
The system would suggest that you request disability benefits when you cannot receive unemployment benefits, but to qualify for Federal SSD income you mustn't earn any money thoughout the process of applying and responding and appealing, though the process can take months and is not guaranteed. After losing my tech support job with iboss I did attempt to qualify for disability benefits, assuming a favorable exception must exist for individuals diagnosed with depression, but I was ultimately assured by multiple disability lawyers that is not the case.
Earthenware my heart
So many lines of fracture
So Carry Lightly!I composed this haiku since returning to Zen training, since living with my birth parents, since coming to realize that both my parents demonstrate narcissistic behavior and cannot love their son as their son needed love.
Though I'd been struggling for many years I hadn't made the connection between my debilitating depressive episodes and their behavior until I needed somewhere to live again. The philosophy of scientific inquiry teaches that the value of any new hypothesis comes from how well and how much experience it explains. With depression I could explain my sudden withdrawals from interaction with others, but depression has many known causes. With complex trauma originating from a narcissistic family life I can also explain the particular forms of social anxiety, of fearing people especially authority figures and compulsively needing approval.
Since returning to Zen training I've been able to go no-contact with my parents and to attend ACA meetings, in addition to the requirements of daily meditation and work practice. My daily life with Mary and Roy had become unmanageable, but three months later I've begun to realize my capacity for equanimity again. Though I'm not now earning as much money as I was ten years ago I am confident that through regular improvement that I will surely realize all the benefits of clarity and consistent effort.
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Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games
MacGuges LinkI've recently begun playing Kittens Game again on my Android, and I'm still impressed by how engrossing it is. This is an idle game on mobile, but most games of that kind there are no ads, no...I've recently begun playing Kittens Game again on my Android, and I'm still impressed by how engrossing it is. This is an idle game on mobile, but most games of that kind there are no ads, no micropayments, and a very low tech presentation. It's been called the Dark Souls of idle games, which I feel is very apt.
The premise is that you're guiding a civilization of cats from growing catnip to discovering the calendar and astronomy and further on to inventing solar power and space travel. While you can play it occasionally when you have a free moment, you can also dig into micro-managing your kittens to find optimal methods to your goals. Indeed I feel that Kittens Game is best understood as a puzzle game in the guise of an idler.
For example, when you start a new game the only actions available are to gather catnip or to refine catnip into wood. You won't have any kittens until you build huts from wood, so you'll have to click that gather button a lot until you can assign kittens to chopping wood. Kittens also eat catnip, and you can invest catnip into increasing the level of your catnip field. So you begin managing two resources, catnip and wood, to build your village and expand it's population. So far so familiar.
Naturally you'll want to increase your catnip field and huts, accumulating more kittens, catnip, and wood to convert into new types of buildings. But you might not have noticed that you started the year in spring when catnip yields are 150% of normal. Before long you've built a second or a third hut and maybe have a half dozen kittens. When winter comes, catnip yields drop to 25%. Most new players discover this the hard way when multiple kittens have already died of starvation.
You can avoid losing many of your kittens while beginning a new game, but it's tricky. And even hours into the game you can lose a lot of your kittens if you neglect your catnip production in the autumn in favor of focusing on some new obstacle.
Besides playing the game on Android or Apple, you can access the most current version online at https://kittensgame.com/web/
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Comment on Fitness Weekly Discussion in ~health
MacGuges LinkI've just renewed my intermittent fasting commitment with a new mobile app, called Simple. I'd been using Fasting Tracker, which worked well enough for my first, longest effort at IF last year....I've just renewed my intermittent fasting commitment with a new mobile app, called Simple. I'd been using Fasting Tracker, which worked well enough for my first, longest effort at IF last year. I've found that it's easy enough to stay on my fasting schedule, provided that I don't experience a relapse of depression.
Like the old app, the new app provides for recording daily data entry of my fasting related measurements, but introduces a series of daily tasks to check off. There's also a AI chatbot integration called Avo which can provide alternative meal suggestions and other answers to other questions. I haven't decided how much to rely on that yet -- the responses I've gotten sound plausible but I don't know how the developers confirm the quality of its "knowledge".
Simple's task list invited me to join their Facebook group, but as I won't use Facebook I decided that I'd report here.
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Comment on Germany will force 80% of gas stations to install EV charging in ~transport
MacGuges Link ParentThat's very interesting. I wish that I'd understood that at the time, because crossing the Erie Canal in the middle of winter was miserable indeed. I think it was instructions from the charging...That's very interesting. I wish that I'd understood that at the time, because crossing the Erie Canal in the middle of winter was miserable indeed. I think it was instructions from the charging station which had led me to believe that I needed to turn off my car in the first place...
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Comment on Germany will force 80% of gas stations to install EV charging in ~transport
MacGuges Link ParentI hope there will also be shelter requirements when building EV chargers. When I had first bought my Chevy Bolt and did not yet have charging at home I was frequently visiting the nearest public...I hope there will also be shelter requirements when building EV chargers.
When I had first bought my Chevy Bolt and did not yet have charging at home I was frequently visiting the nearest public EV chargers, across town in an empty shopping center, and in the middle of the night due to my work. I had also needed to turn off my car to minimize my wait, which meant no heat in the middle of winter and at midnight. I live in upstate NY, so let me assure you that I was cold. I had to leave the shopping center & cross the Erie Canal to find an open bar where I could sit in heat. Adding insult to injury, I was discovering how unreliable most public chargers were, as I would recross the canal two or three times until the car was entirely charged. That was miserable.
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Comment on According to Reddark, ~6k of 8,800 subreddits are still dark including four of the largest seven by subscriber count in ~tech
MacGuges Link ParentI don't know what the full scale impact will be, but personally I've realized it's time I began contributing at tilde more seriously. I already don't trust corporate governance, and now it's clear...I don't know what the full scale impact will be, but personally I've realized it's time I began contributing at tilde more seriously. I already don't trust corporate governance, and now it's clear that Reddit's is rotten.
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Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk
MacGuges (edited )LinkThank you for raising this topic : while the contemplation of it has been fascinating I realize that you're not alone and that this phenomenon creates real social harms. Your mention of trauma...Thank you for raising this topic : while the contemplation of it has been fascinating I realize that you're not alone and that this phenomenon creates real social harms. Your mention of trauma brings to my mind the work of Alice Miller, the child psychologist who theorized that corporal punishment of children translated to state justifications of violence. https://www.naturalchild.org/articles/alice_miller/roots_violence.html. I recall one of her observations being that children's memory of past violence they received from their parents could be recalled easily with stern glance. Past parenting manuals extolled this phenomenon as a practical benefit of harsh discipline, that most children could be effectively coerced after one or two examples. I don't know if Dr. Miller compared this phenomenon to social-sexual development in adolescents, but I have to wonder how many women can remember similar traumas that began from men's regarding.
For my own praxis I need to admit my own complicity. I'm familiar to the satisfying appearance of a female stranger and the lure of looking further. Within a public space there is a sense (at least to myself) of visual perception as a form of recreation without consequence. OP's testimony is a form of evidence of this sense as only a delusion: of course you cannot have observation without interference. I'd like to imagine a world where my own gaze doesn't remind strangers of their past traumas, but it seems that is only possible here and now through imagining those traumas cannot exist.
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Comment on Wanting to play Pandemic during the pandemic in ~games.tabletop
MacGuges Link ParentThank you for recommending Tabletop Simulator, I imagine this would be a more satisfying solution than what I had in mind, though I imagine I'd still enjoy the opportunity to mark up my physical...Thank you for recommending Tabletop Simulator, I imagine this would be a more satisfying solution than what I had in mind, though I imagine I'd still enjoy the opportunity to mark up my physical copy. I figure I would simply sticker and tear as indicated by the online game, and if the real pandemic resolves earlier than our estimates suggest then the group can continue with that.
I hear you about the ethical question of playing with virtual fan-made editions. My instinct is to visualize the impacts on the groups involved, publishers and players, to consider whether the benefits justify the risks. Obviously I am grateful for the work of talented game designers, who generally are not wealthy people, but it would feel like a shame to postpone play entirely while we have the opportunity to engage with their designs in some fashion.
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Comment on Wanting to play Pandemic during the pandemic in ~games.tabletop
MacGuges LinkThis is off topic, but the link I posted was Google redirect link instead of a direct link. I don't know how I can change it for the thread, so here's the original :...This is off topic, but the link I posted was Google redirect link instead of a direct link. I don't know how I can change it for the thread, so here's the original :
https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/161936/pandemic-legacy-season-1
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Comment on Wanting to play Pandemic during the pandemic in ~games.tabletop
MacGuges LinkLast month I bought this game, Pandemic Legacy. I've really wanted to play this game! Check out the reviews at board game geek if you're not familiar. From what I know, it starts with the already...Last month I bought this game, Pandemic Legacy. I've really wanted to play this game! Check out the reviews at board game geek if you're not familiar. From what I know, it starts with the already fabulous idea of your OG Pandemic board game and expands it through a year-long campaign (12 to 24 game sessions) into a pandemic-fighting epic of catastrophic proportions.
But now we have entered the twilight world of Social Distancing, and it's anyone's guess how or when this real crisis concludes. Inviting several friends to my house once, let alone multiple times, seems dangerously off theme.
I know we have developed great technologies and protocols for adapting board games to online play, but I'm not familiar with them. Playing a legacy-type game would, I expect, pose a special challenge that we will need to reveal new game features to the group without exposing them to the Internet at large. Is my aspiration practical? How should I proceed?
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Wanting to play Pandemic during the pandemic
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Comment on <deleted topic> in ~comp
MacGuges Link ParentTrue dat, but I'm inclined to say the rules for good social interactions are valuable enough yet troublesome enough that periodic restatements for each new context are a good pattern to follow.True dat, but I'm inclined to say the rules for good social interactions are valuable enough yet troublesome enough that periodic restatements for each new context are a good pattern to follow.
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Comment on Daily coronavirus-related chat, questions, and minor updates - March 18 in ~health
MacGuges LinkI received an invite to Tildes over a year ago, but didn't follow through. While I had been posting on Reddit, I have also felt wary of most social media. It's so much more satisfying to have a...I received an invite to Tildes over a year ago, but didn't follow through. While I had been posting on Reddit, I have also felt wary of most social media. It's so much more satisfying to have a good f2f chat with another human being, with all the premium bandwidth that implies.
But today, after being informed that my tech support job will transition to us all Working From Home, I realize I will see benefits to any social interfacing I can accomplish. I won't even be able to go weekend sittings at our Zen center when they go into lock down.
My hope is that tildes.net will be become a rewarding outlet to visit during the pandemic, and into the post-apocalyptic hellscape to follow.
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Comment on Gym class is so bad, kids are skipping school to avoid it in ~life
MacGuges LinkI recall dreading PE in elementary school. Just as the article described, I was routinely targeted for bullying. Though I wasn't particularly fat, I was uncoordinated. Whenever we would split into...I recall dreading PE in elementary school. Just as the article described, I was routinely targeted for bullying. Though I wasn't particularly fat, I was uncoordinated. Whenever we would split into teams, I was picked last.
By the time I had entered high school I'd written off all sports as pointless. I knew where I excelled and I decided I was superior for preferring science and literature to sweaty Physical Ed. It wouldn't matter that I was no good at throwing, dribbling or catching.
Still, I loved scouting activities. I remember enjoying the hiking and canoeing quite a bit. If similar activities could've been organized into PE at school I imagine my childhood attitude would've been quite different. As it is, I did not develop a genuine appreciation for bodywork until much later.
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Comment on Remember backing up to diskettes? I’m sorry. I do, too. in ~tech
MacGuges LinkI remember hiking onto my college campus with a box of floppies to download an early distribution of Slackware Linux to install to my personal PC. The prospect of downloading an entire operating...I remember hiking onto my college campus with a box of floppies to download an early distribution of Slackware Linux to install to my personal PC. The prospect of downloading an entire operating system directly to my home would've been a grandiose fantasy.
I don't blame you for being concerned but when I met my lawyer he had me fill out an outline of questions about my whole situation, including my financial obligations. And after I completed it we had a long conversation (which surely won't be the last), so I'm reasonably confident that if after I declare Chapter 7 I choose to return a few hundred $ to some dear close friends who'd given me some interest free help when I did sorely need it, that I won't regret doing that.
Should I really profess to my friends, once this process is over, that my hands are tied and I cannot return the favor? I certainly hope not.