The most frustrating thing about ADHD for me is
...When I can't complete a task right now but instead have to wait for some reason. For example:
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When I have to complete a task list for school, and would love to just blitz through it all, but have to wait on someone else to fill out some form. Then I get it in an email a day or two later, but have already completely forgotten about the list and things I should do, because something else took over my mind. And I put it off because I have other things to do. Then the deadline comes and goes, and I'm sitting there thinking "Well shit, if I could have done it immediately then it would have been fine."
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I ask my kids for things they want at the store. I know I need to add it to the grocery list app immediately or I won't remember it, but I'm driving them to camp and can't use my phone. By the time I've dropped them off, I forgot already. Then they're upset with me because I forgot their things, and I'm upset with me because I forgot their things.
All these little things that just add up to make life a little more frustrating and annoying.
Anyone else with ADHD, have any tips to overcome these? Frustrations of your own to vent? How do you explain to others that it isn't you being careless or lazy, but instead it's your brain working against itself?
Same with me, sometimes I just have to respond to an email with 2 words or something, but I can't make myself do it for hours. Not even forgetting it, just putting the task off.
But the absolute worst thing about ADHD to me is the constant fear at the back of my head - always feeling like something is not right, I forgot important things etc. It mostly went away when I started taking medication for ADHD, but I had to stop the meds for a while and it came back. Can't even explain how great it was, finally being able to just relax.
The secret to relax with unmedicated ADHD, is having that fear and embracing it. In other words, to not give a flying duck about anything, because you're out of ducks, you never raised ducks, so anyone shouldn't expect you to have them.
Also, great, patient people that care about you and understand your limitations.
I mean, if you can't agree, that's fine. I don't think all people can do that naturally, or they would already be doing it. Also, the circumstances can deny a chance for that. My comment was a little light-hearted, so I can't impose.
The thing is, the two things I did mention are connected. I can live without worries because of the people that surround me, care for me, and allow me to be imperfect. That doesn't mean they feed my bad behavior, they do point out my shortcomings, but when that happens I can feel their trust. That's an invaluable resource I'm sure has allowed me to follow my own advice.
I talked about ducks to give, because I used to judge myself harshly for being lazy. Now that I suspect the real reason may be ADHD, to judge my actions instead of myself and to disregard social comparations about success has given me back my tranquility. I feel at peace with myself because I don't care about fitting a established social norm.
But I do care about people. I do care about being better every day. I just don't subscribe what better means to society's definition, and that was what my advice was about.
It seems my comment was unthoughtful an triggering, so I'm sorry about that. I'll keep in mind your advice.
With the first bit, it's well and good us saying that. But it's so much harder to live like that.
I haveaa very flippant, "Yeah, that's how my head works... I overload myself" attitude. But not everyone is going to get the support they need with that especially in the workplace.
It's getting better slowly. But there's a lot of workplace environments where ADHD is still seen as problematic.
A professional behavior cannot have downsides, especially related to mental health. Sadly, this is a problem now that I'm looking for another job. My actual job is great for support, only because my boss is very understanding and a long lasting friend. Unfortunately, it's a dead end job with no future, and if I change it, I'll lose my support. I don't believe I'm going to find another boss as understanding as this one. So... I'll have to feel anxiety again in the near future. Yay!
Yeah, I had to stop taking my meds for a while, but when the anxiousness came back it was way easier to not care about, because I knew exactly where it comes from. All the ADHD hindrances are in my life again, but now I'm able to recognize and handle them mostly.
The fact that you can now recognize which part is really you, and which part is the ADHD, if even just a little, is fantastic. I didn't think that was possible, but it makes sense. That gives you some tools to deal with it, and I envy a little your new found perspective.
My go to is "I'm not lazy, I lack motivation." It's not perfect, but then again nothing in my head is.
My big problem with my brain is what I call my 90% barrier. I'm great with a task about 90% of the way through. Then.... boom. I faceplant and it will take me a ridiculous amount of time to get back and finish it.
Overpowering brain chemistry with willpower is absolutely an effortful thing. Laziness is ability but no desire. Desire but no ability because of uphill challenges relating to executive function is not the same.
Exactly. I don't think that it's an easy thing to convey to someone. For me, it literally feels like my body will not move no matter what I do or say until I suddenly have the urge to be productive. Ritalin has been helping somewhat, but it remains to be seen if it can actually get me out of my habits.
Oh crap, this is me with schoolwork! I'm on quarters, each term is 10 weeks, and at about 8 weeks in my motivation just gives out and my A+ turns into a C and my professors collectively ask me "What the hell happened??"
ADHD happened.
You can also tell Siri (and probably the Google assistant) to remind you of something. Useful when driving.
I struggle with externalising my to do lists, using calendars and reminders. I will use them sparodically and then, bam miss a day or two and suddenly cannot touch them.
That one thing on the to do list that I put off and off and off, only to then abandon the whole list system due to so much shame about "breaking the system" gets to me a lot.
I only got diagnosed last year as a woman in my mid thirties, and the learning process to not just internally try to remember everything ala neurotypicals (I always felt less than) and tell myself it's OKAY to use tools to help myself (medication and other things) is slow. The 3+ decades of masking and attributing all my faults and flaws to "lazy, terrible, selfish, rude, forgetful" is a lot to unpack, and recognise as the ableism it is, is a lot to go through.
I know that for some it is a "super power" but I feel like that meme of the steps up the Chinese mountain, where NT have the nice easy steps, and mine is basically a ladder, really resonates with me. But getting a diagnosis really did help with my internal shame.
This is shamelessly stolen from the @OMGImAutisticAF twitter but really helped me:
'“Why do you need a label?” Bc there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. Bc you can’t find community w other zebras if you don’t know you belong. And bc it is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse.'
Also the rambling. Oh my life, the rambling. Sorry for getting off topic.
I relate to every word of this! Getting the label was so validating because for my entire life I mostly thought everyone else was in on some secret I didn't know. Even after I started getting help for my anxiety and depression, there was still something "wrong" with me and I resigned myself to just being "lazy" "ditzy" "forgetful" until my boyfriend pushed me to get diagnosed a few years ago.
Getting on medication specifically for ADHD absolutely blew my mind. It was like for my entire life I was a radio slightly out of tune - static or other channels so you're straining to hear the main one. Medication turned that knob just slightly so everything was crystal clear. I didn't know it wasn't in tune until the static cleared. I cried that night.
It's not perfect and I'm still trying to find what works (bullet journaling, calendar reminders, other apps...but like you I'll forget a day and then think I've failed), but I can at least know it's not something inherently wrong with my personality, and I remind myself it's okay to keep trying.
You’ve already mentioned using an app for remembering groceries, why not extend that to the first scenario too?
I use Apple Reminders on my phone and the amount of times its helped me remember tasks that I can’t/don’t want to complete in the moment is staggering! I find setting timed reminders and a reminders Widget is very useful if you din’t find yourself habitually checking your lists.
Another pro tip: You can actually save emails directly to reminders, and it will create a link to the email for you in the reminder
I actually have tried this! I'm terrible about taking notes on my phone though. I've considered carrying around a notebook and pencil, to help with this.
If I had one, I'd be writing down now about getting one...
I've taken to setting Google reminders to remind me about important stuff eg. "Set a reminder to answer that email, tomorrow at 10:00”.
This helps me immensely because I can stop worrying about forgetting the important thing and can also stop thinking about how I'm not doing the thing and also stop constantly thinking about the thing so I don't forget about it (which is stressful in it's own right).
You may benefit from a bullet journal, as it was invented by someone with ADHD to deal with those challenges:
or if you prefer invidio.us:
As Dr. Russell Barkley explains here, working memory is shot (in most people with ADHD), so you need to put things in your visual field to be reminded of them.
Apps aren't really there, visually. They're hidden inside your phone, and they're right next to all the apps designed to distract you and hijack your attention. A physical journal - or notepad or whiteboard - is something you can put in front of you where you need it, displaying the information that is relevant to you for that day.
This has been mentioned to me before, I think I may look into it. I just also tend not to put aside time for Journaling, so I'm not sure if it's right for me. A small memo book I can carry in my pocket though? That might work.
God yeah this is relatable shit. Whenever I have something to wait for it completely robs me of my ability to do things, and that sucks ass.
Depending on how old your kids are, it might be worth having them text you what they want so you have it in writing even if you can't put it in the app right then.
I have the vicious cycle of Emotional Dysregulation and Injustice. If I see the later, it can send my emotions for a spin that can take days, weeks to counter.
I have a leader at work who does the, "You're very emotional about this" and no matter how much I've explained how much of an issue that phrase is... He doesn't care.
I'm starting to do a series, professionally on adhd in the workplace for employees, leaders and senior leaders. I'm sick of poor leaders getting away with that.
One of the most frustrating things related to ADHD is my hyper focusing. It is awesome, and feels like a super power when it works for me, but it has been a part of a fair share of some frustrating experiences with family, and friends.
FWIW; I use Google keep. It is available in the Android app store, as well as the Apple store. It also works great in a browser. I am able to write myself a note, and set a reminder, or morph the note you created into a check list.
It is one of the few Google products that has managed to keep my attention, and found myself making the effort to learn, and getting into the habit using.
I read that you have been using an app, but if you want a more analogue approach, I have found using Bullet Journals to be quite effective.
ADHD is just like living in a constant state of war with yourself. I know what I need to do, and I do in fact have the motivation (such a common misunderstanding of the condition), but translating that into action is a constant battle. It becomes all too easy to buy into the idea that you’re just a lazy unambitious and forgetful person like people want to believe.
Just my two cents. I hate this part of myself, but I’ve learned to live with it the best anyone can and after giving up on medication I’ve actually never felt better about it.
With remembering things at the store, I have my partner send it to me on signal. As I Know I will forget.
Motivation is something I struggle with really bad at times but medication help quite alot of that.
Example,if someone send me an email at work and it has a time limit, let's say next week. I will either do it straight away and not send it to them and wait untill the day it is due or I will not do it until that day before or day it is due.
Sometimes I just can't forse myself to do things as I just can't. If this happens I try to do it tomorrow morring as I work better in the morning.
I use an app called "To-Do list" in an attempt to track my routine, to varying degrees of success. It definitely helps with meds, because I have a pretty strict schedule and missing a dose can make me feel awful.
Unfortunately, as for the mental barrier, I don't know. It's so frustrating sitting in front of my computer watching a video I don't care about whilst screaming at myself to get up and shower or whatever. People just do not understand it, and worse, react judgmentally when I tell them I take medicine to help with my ADHD. The amount of years in my life spent genuinely believing I'm a lazy piece of shit because everyone around me assured me that I'm "smart" and "special" when every day is a struggle against my instant gratification urges. I haven't really found a way to make people understand it other than psych majors and others with ADHD.
Funnily enough, Reddit imploding has helped a ton. Tildes isn't vying for my attention span, and even when I do get my inevitable habit of scrolling through the website, I eventually just get bored and do whatever I need to do. These kinds of social media are a godsend for my ADHD, and I don't think I can go back.
Yeah, I guess bored is the wrong word. I just have to actually engage with the content rather than mindlessly consume it, which forces me off my phone.
When I can't do things now, I put them on my calendar and block time for them. I delete them once done.
I very vaguely try to find a time I'll actually be available but I'm not hesitant in putting it on top of an existing event. The point is it will be there. I will easily be able to move it if I can't do it at that time. I also look at my calendar often enough that I get to see if I have "old" things I haven't done yet, and move them up or just … do them right now.
To-do lists don't work for me, but this does. It has the look & feel of a kanban board / a bunch of post it notes on a board, but it's synced to my calendar. Means I get notifications about it, I get to look at it often without introducing a new tool, and I get to actually think about it in terms of "time", not just "thing".
If said thing has a particular deadline it's also better for me to have it on the calendar, because I will know to block more time for it, and to not push it back.
Very low friction. But you have to be a calendar user.
You mentioned using an app for groceries and that it's frustrating to not be able to add to it when driving. I had the same problem with my husband, so we tried texting each other lists, but inevitably they would get lost in new texts. We got the app Out of Milk which lets you share grocery lists so different people can add to the lists or mark things off as needed. I don't know if your kids are old enough for phones but if they have one this could be the solution. You can have them add things to the list as they think of the or when your hands are busy. It's been a lifesaver for my husband and I.