For those with adult ADHD...how do you get by?
I've recently been diagnosed with adult onset ADHD. The signs were always kind of there I guess, but without the right people asking the right questions, it's easy for health problems to go undiagnosed. After seeing articles like this one I realize that I'm not alone. I'm of a similar age bracket to the writer of the article, and at first I was dismissive of the diagnosis because I'd been functional (or at least thought I was) up until around when the pandemic started. I've since come to terms with the fact I have a lot of mental health baggage piling up because of a dysfunctional childhood that I ignored until it finally reached up and bit me. I'm considering going back on medication, but the one they had me on previously (methylphenidate, aka Ritalin) has the effect of making me so intensely focused on something that I sometimes forget to eat for hours at a time. It's a toss-up between being unable to concentrate or being focused to the point of it being a detriment.
Is there anyone here in a similar situation? What have you done that works for you? Any advice is appreciated.
Background: I was evaluated at 30 due to symptoms but didn't get a diagnosis because, I quote, 'until it adversely impacts your life to a significant extent, it's not a disorder'. I'm okay with that - I prefer 'just having symptoms' to getting a diagnosis because my life is in shambles. I was evaluated at about the same time as my ex, who did get a diagnosis (at 33), and who struggles significantly more. Comparing notes, we realised that I had more ADHD tendencies as a child than he did, but somewhere along the way, I developed a ton of coping mechanisms that help me get by to the point where I'm doing pretty well, even though I have issues with focus and inattention. Disclaimer: this may or may not work for you, depending on your specific flavour of ADHD. It's not medical advice, just coping mechanisms that I use for my day-to-day.
Knowing my weak spots. I had to really throw away all ideas of what I 'should' be able to do and how I was supposed to behave, and looked at the reality. This is the only way for me to cope, and as soon as I fall into the trap of thinking about 'shoulds', my whole system falls apart and it takes me a while to regroup.
Keeping stress down. The more stressed out I get, the worse I am at coping. When I was younger, some stress could actually help me function better (I was able to overcome executive dysfunction when I was close to deadlines etc.), but now I have a system and anything that messes that system up, including deadlines or alarms, will stress me out to all hell and mess my system up even more.
Writing everything down. I have a bullet journal that I make a point of decorating and looking at several times during the day, so I'm less likely to forget things. It still happens sometimes, but not as much as it used to, and very rarely for anything important. I know alarms work for some people, but they stress me out too much. (I do however set timers sometimes - if I have something at 4, I tend to just sit around and wait for it to be 3:30 so I can start getting ready, because I don't want to be late. To combat this, I will set a general timer for 3:15, so I can forget about it completely, and when the alarm goes, I still feel like I have plenty of time and don't have to rush.)
Related: I learned that there's not 'I'll do it later' for me, at least not for things that matter. I either do it immediately, or write it down in my bullet journal. Water bottle empty? Refill it immediately, otherwise I won't drink for hours. (I have one of those bottles that blink a light at me and it helps a lot.) Gotta make an appointment? Call now or write it down because otherwise, I will forget, and there's no telling when I'll remember again. (Note: this is a trial and error thing, and I only go and do it immediately for things that matter, or if I know I can just do it quick and not lose track of what I was doing before, otherwise I'd just be jumping from one thing to the other all day. I'm also still trying to get a hang of it too - a lot of the time, the water doesn't get refilled and the thing I remembered gets forgotten again.)
Putting important things where I can see them and having a designated space for other things that matter. I need to take vitamins every day, so I bought a bright pill box and put it on my desk next to my water bottle. When I had a very busy schedule, I bought a big piece of colourful poster paper and put it above my desk, so I could always tell what's up. My important papers are in a brightly colored folder that is in the same spot all the time. (The downside is that if anyone moves something I need - could be as simple as my sunglasses or earbuds - I can get pretty distressed when I can't find them, especially if I'm also worried that I'm gonna be late. It can make living with another person a bit more challenging than normal.)
When I have to focus on listening, I do something else as well. I've been the person crocheting at a conference and at D&D sessions. I have a fidget cube and one of those small popping things that I use for the office and Zoom meetings (meetings via the internet are the absolute worst for me, I will get distracted and stop listening during a meeting that I am leading). If I can do absolutely none of those things, writing things down will help to an extent, but not always.
I'm gonna repeat myself here, but the bullet journal method really helped me. It was developed by a guy with ADHD and it cut my stress by a lot because I know I'm on top of my tasks/appointments and that I'm not forgetting anything. (I still get worried about forgetting, but I tell myself that I need to trust the process and that usually helps.)
Figure out what matters, and cut yourself some more slack for other things. My friends don't mind if I'm late to things, as long as I give them a heads up, and it saves me a lot of energy that I'd otherwise spend hurrying and worrying and stressing myself out. I forget appointments sometimes, but I can reschedule, it's not a big deal. I made peace with the fact that I only wear a certain brand of underwear and a certain type of socks, because just having this solution to my sensory issues is already plenty. I don't think I'll ever be a person of few words, so I hang out with people who also like talking (or listening).
Harness the positives. I might be erratic at cleaning, but once I get going, it gets done really well because I notice everything and don't stop until it's all fixed. And because I had my share of dumb mistakes and fuckups, I double- and triple-check things, so I (kinda ironically) developed great attention to detail.
Medication! I didn't mention this so far because I'm not taking any, but I know that there's several options out there. My ex is taking Strattera, which from what I hear is not as intense as the other types of ADHD medication. You should talk about your doctor about the side effects you got from Ritalin and see if they can give you something else.
I'm sorry this got so long! Writing this kinda made me feel both worried that I sound crazy and that I'm a fake (because I don't have an official diagnosis). I hope it helps you at least a bit, though.
I will warn people - Strattera can cause depression, both my SO and I tried it when she was starting on medication and I was getting back on medication. Massive downspirals on both of our ends, and I realized when I was taking it in high school what depression symptoms were actually a side effect of Strattera. Take this with a fistful of salt, as both of us have naturally depressive tendencies.
I'll be the other side of this, and mention to OP that it can still be worth a try if your psychiatrist thinks it is.
I was on Adderall for about 8 years on and off, but when I had my second kid and was working full time with 2 weeks paternity leave, I started leaning on it more and more just to have energy for everything. Overdosing somewhat frequently eventually made me addicted, and I can't manage Adderall by myself any more. Been off of it about 18 months now.
It was extremely concerning to me, particularly because my work is extremely taxing mentally (Cognitive Data Scientist). I was worried I just wouldn't be able to perform without it, but I cannot go back on it, period.
Strattera has been a literal godsend for me. It gives me focus similar to that of Adderall, without all the overstimulating.
Strattera seems to be the one that people who have had issues with stimulants recommend. I plan to discuss it with my psychiatrist when I see them next week.
I’ll give another +1 for straterra. I have never tried stimulants, so I can’t compare directly. But straterra has been a godsend for me too. There is an official warning for suicidal thoughts for people under 18, so it is something to keep an eye on. But as long as you don’t get that side effect, and can manage the other side effects, it can be really good. I’ll also add that I get zero side effects. For the first month, I got pretty nauseated if I didn’t eat when I took the meds. After my body got used to it, that side effect is gone.
Other side benefits: you don’t have to deal with the medication shortage, you can get more than a 30 day supply, and you don’t have to get a new prescription each month.
Oh yeah! The appetite suppression!
I'm a bit overweight - I've been losing weight slowly over the last 5 years, but man did this give me a Kickstart for the first few months. I still eat less overall than I was, and I'm cool with it.
Potentially a positive side effect.
Oh I forgot about that one too! The lower appetite hit me hard the first month (but I wasn’t complaining). Then I started working out way more, and my appetite went back up. I don’t know if it’s still less than what it would be without meds, but it is higher than pre-meds and pre-more-workouts.
I used to be under the (false) impression that you couldn't get addicted to stimulants if you had ADHD. I'm on a low dose of Vyvanse and the effects have been beneficial, but not remotely fun or useful enough that I could imagine someone abusing it. But then I got sick and took a week off my meds right after getting a higher dosage due to tolerance, and it was like night-and-day how different it was from being on my normal dose. I'm usually extremely on the hypersomnia side (to the extent that on my normal dose I still sleep more than average and I can have late-night coffee without any problems), but I got no more than 3 hours of sleep that night and couldn't turn my brain off.
Crashed the next day and had to skip work, and now that I'm back on the lower dose everything's stable again, thank goodness. But it definitely gave me perspective on the issues others can have with stimulant meds. They work great for me at the right dosage and I didn't enjoy my overdose day, so I'm not aiming to repeat it, but I can see what a lot of other people's experiences are based on now. I'm glad there are options like Strattera available for those people!
I don’t have ADHD but almost certainly do have ASD, and heaps of my friends have ADHD because neurospicy folks tend to gravitate together…
But oh boy do I see that particular vibe a lot! I almost feel like “ADHD impostor syndrome” could be a diagnosis tool itself, there’s certainly a common thread among a significant number of people I’ve spoken to about it!
Honestly, with everything you’ve written here, you have so many similarities with my ADHD friends that I was wondering if I accidentally stumbled across someone’s account in the wild, but nope none of my friends know about Tildes (yet)
I am in a similar boat to you regarding a late diagnosis. I found out about a year into the pandemic and a lot of things made sense from that. My ADHD was also exacerbated by graduate school. I was doing great in grade school and college, because those all had structure baked into them that I could anchor myself around. External deadlines and directives means I have pressure to get things done by certain dates. In grad school, I was doing OK while I was working as a teaching assistant because I still had structure, but around the time the pandemic started I was also placed on research funding which meant that all my structure was gone. I was just spinning my wheels trying to get by.
That's when I reached out for a help. Thankfully, a counselor recognized the problems pretty quickly and we started working on some behavioral techniques to figure out scheduling, time assessment, reaching out for help, planning out way in advance. The behavioral techniques are important - you need to couple them with medication. For me, this means scheduling out my days down to every single thing. I found this video helpful for how I think about scheduling, but then I go beyond have things like "have lunch at 12:30" to help remind me, because like you I can get hyper focused when on methylphenidate.
The unfortunate reality is that there is no simple fix for all of this. You have a developmental disability which makes it harder for you to initiate or complete certain tasks. The medication can overcorrect this. One thing you can do is try to dial in the medication a bit more and see if you can find a dosage that doesn't get this super focus. What I do is that when I am doing a task that will take some time, I set alarms on my phone to take breaks, just like the pomodoro technique. That way you can take a moment to relax and reassess what your plans are for the day, maybe get a snack or something. A lot of what I've done has been trial and error on what works and what doesn't. There is no one-size-fits-all technique for managing ADHD. I've tried many things that seemed great but that I just couldn't stick with, and I still slip up sometimes with the things that I can stick to.
If you have any particular questions or just want to vent, feel free to reach out to me. Best of luck in your journey!
ADHD/suspect ASD fellow here with a ADHD/suspect ASD significant other - she was diagnosed while we were dating mid-pandemic during grad school as well, and there's a LOT that we've learned since I was diagnosed 20 years ago in middle school.
If you're ADHD and haven't gone back down the rabbit hole of 'what does this mean for me and how I function', here's a list of a couple of things that are non-obviously correlated -
Coordination - physical coordination degrades with more severe ADHD symptoms. Beyond being just clumsy, there are real issues with fine motor control development. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6424539/
In fact, in an Israeli study, they found that handwriting can be a tool in diagnosis -
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31823772/
Executive Dysfunction - this was a big one for me, as I never associated getting 'stuck' with my ADHD. The inability to sometimes make executive decisions can be a crippling issue, and I believe it should be one of the main things we emphasized when people are newly diagnosed. Being able to judge the medications efficacy on 'Was I having issues prioritizing? Was I having issues making decisions still?' can be helpful questions to ask yourself.
Stimulation - Stimming can in fact be helpful! I've learned to embrace fidget toys, as sometimes the 'monkey brain' as I call it needs a low level distraction to allow 'thinky brain' to work un-impeded. This is a consequence of executive dysfunction - being unable to shut down certain feelings or sensations requires workarounds.
Conversations and Thought Patterns - from my experience, my ADHD brain goes on so many tangents it's hard to keep conversations 'on topic', as 'on topic' is sometimes arbitrarily set by feeling a dissonance in the flow of a conversation that a neurodivergent individual may not have ever felt before. Honestly, this is something that's enough of a pattern that I can usually tell if someone is ADHD by having a conversation - four friends have been diagnosed after I had already assumed they knew they had ADHD or ASD from the first conversation.
Object Permanence - people and objects not in sight tend to disappear from ADHD brains. Literally the reason why remembering can be hard is it requires enough executive function to keep juggling the object in your brain, while more neurotypical folks just put it on their brain shelf. I've learned to stop blaming myself for the fact I need things in the open and visible for me to remember they exist, and embrace high visibility reminders in places I can't ignore, or choosing ugly solutions so that I can work with visibility into my organized clutter.
I hope this helps! I'm still trying to find my way myself, my framing for dealing with these issues usually goes 'Alright, my brain usually defaults to x behavioral pattern, what can I do to compensate?', or trying to make systems that accommodate my thought and behavior patterns.
I have not heard of the Pomodoro technique, that's something that I will have to look into. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing that video about time-blocking, I'm excited to check it out! How did you get started with doing that, though? Like...I can see how useful it is, and I'd love to be able to see that satisfying array of blocks across my digital calendars, helping me stay on track and know what I "should" be doing and when...but I can't even get my head straight enough to focus on what to insert/input as time blocks...and like...I may schedule the first hour of tomorrow morning for one thing, but then something may happen at the end of today that totally throws that whole schedule out of whack and then I just get overwhelmed that I screwed up my "plan"...
I had already been scheduling a bit before I got onto this one, so it was a bit easier for me. Having said that, one common thing for a lot of people with ADHD is we want things to be perfect the first time around. You have to let go of that. It will never be perfect. It's OK to mess things up or doings things sloppily. If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing poorly.
So first - watch the video. Her method involves prioritizing certain things so that you have fixed appointments that can't/shouldn't be moved, bottlenecks that will impede progress on other things, critical events that need to get done but aren't holding things up, daily tasks, and your ideal goals. This way of looking at it has been helpful for when I have to be flexible and move things around, but I still have the core things that I need to get done that week.
Second, start small. Try to focus on one day at a time. If something didn't get done that day, move it to the next day! Be forgiving of yourself when things don't go the way you planned. We're not supposed to and we can't be like neurotypical people. We will slip up (and they do to!) and will have to move past it. Make sure you take your schedule at the start of the day so you know what's ahead of you and then review it at the end of the day to see what you accomplished and then figure out what to do for the next day.
Lastly, make sure you schedule in the time to schedule your time! It's really easy to feel like you're making progress and will remember, but trust me you won't! I try to stick to a weekly scheduling session to look over everything and figure out what I want to do. I also do a quarterly one as I'm on semesters, so I can have things that I know I will be occupied with established way out in advance.
Ultimately, it just takes a lot of repetition and trying to form some habits, which can be a weak point for us. Try to set reminders that will help you stay on track, and if you forgot or something comes up, be forgiving towards yourself.
I am still learning to deal with my ADHD. I think there are 3 things that absolutely changed the game for me.
Understanding and self acceptance.
For me, this came naturally from the diagnosis. As I learned more about ADHD and how it affects my life, I can be more understanding and accepting of my brain. In the most general sense, I used to fail at things and be mad at myself because I was a bad person, or lazy, or not willing to apply myself. Now I can change that internal dialog. Now I fail at things because I have ADHD, and I did not structure my objectives to work with my brain. From there, I can set myself up for future success. To help with this, I recommend learning as much about ADHD as you can (at least that is what worked for me). If you like youtube, I can recommend the channel "How To ADHD". If you like podcasts, I can recommend "All The Things ADHD". If you want a starting point on that podcast, I can recommend these episodes: S4E13, S4E21.
Medication
My medication was a game changer for me. It is possible that Ritalin just isn't for you. I would also ask about non-stimulants. I am on Straterra, and it seems to be working very well for me. One thing to note about non-stimulants: it takes a long time to become fully effective. Sometimes they can take around 3 months to reach full effectiveness, so you have to be patient. But this is a conversation for you to have with your psychiatrist.
Exercise
This is possibly the biggest improvement in my life. It really is amazing what exercise can do for your mental health. Throughout my entire life, I have never liked running. After reading about how much exercise can improve ADHD, I decided to force myself to learn to like running. I don't know how it worked, but it worked. For me, I need to listen to an audiobook while I run. If I don't listen to anything, it just doesn't provide enough stimulation to keep me interested. I also think my medication is very helpful at making running possible for me. I still have bad brain days where I don't have the motivation to do anything, and have so little executive function available. My medication gives me just enough executive function to get through some of the day and get me started on my lunchtime run. After I do my run, I usually have enough executive function to do well throughout the rest of the day.
This is all just things that worked well for me. I hope some of it can help you too. You are a good and valuable person.
I think the self-acceptance may take a while. I've been criticized and ridiculed for years for being "lazy" or a procrastinator, and over time you internalize stuff like that. The reality is my brain doesn't want to concentrate on stuff it doesn't care about, so it takes much more effort than people without ADHD to get the job done sometimes. Music does also help me, I listen to music frequently when I'm able during a task.
That weight of expectation (from others or from yourself) is a huge hurdle to overcome, and I don’t know if this helps you frame it better but maybe the reason you keep having these expectations laid on you is because people have seen your “good days” where you take three hours to achieve what others might take a week or a month to complete. ADHD can be a double edged sword — you’re an absolute superstar when it’s something your brain has hooked onto, but people assume you can just apply that to boring stuff too, but that’s just not how brains work.
I hope you can learn to accept yourself, and enjoy the good days without laying the expectation on yourself that it needs to be summonable on demand…
It certainly might take a while. When you receive lots of small criticisms throughout the years, its terrible how much that can seep into your subconscious.
Here is a tip I learned about music with ADHD. I forget where I heard this, so I can't link a source. Your brain needs a different amount of stimulation at different times. If you have too much stimulation than you need, you get overwhelmed. If you have too little, than you unconsciously start stimming and fidgeting. The goal is to match your stimulation with what your brain needs. That is why music or a coffee shop with background noise can be so helpful for focusing. I have focused really well while blasting clipping's splendor and misery album. I have also sometimes needed absolute silence to focus at all.
Good luck with your journey!
I lift. Nothing heavy (anymore), just some 18kg dumbells and do squats, curls and a few other odds and sods throughout the day. Helps me no end.
Running makes me want to throw myself off a bridge. Cycling however? Absolutely fantastic.
When it comes to running, the thing that helped me IMMENSELY was to put together a playlist of songs with tempos that match my running cadence. My stride is fairly long (35" inseam), so songs around 155-160 BPM hit the sweet spot. Running is noticeably easier and more enjoyable when I'm matching the beat of a song I like.
Honestly? I used to run in my teens when I trained for the armed forces. Hardstyle and dance music helped, but I absolutely revile running for exercise.
Now tabbing? That's a different story. 15-20kg in a rucksack and huffing it over rough terrain?
Get that in my face.
Exercise is huge. I see ADHD as my brain requiring more energy than my body can provide. I get a burst of focus, maintain it for 2-5 mintues, and then I run out of fuel and need to switch to something else while the tank refills. Regular exercise increases my body's energy output, allowing the tank to stay fuller longer.
I've also had good results with stimulant ADHD medications like Concerta. However, the side-effects (lack of appetite, feeling of dependency, etc) weren't worth the tradeoff.
Strongly seconding exercise. It’s a night and day difference for me. Combine regular exercise with proper medication, some vitamins, and decent sleep, and I’m basically as close to being normal as possible.
You might want to ask your doctor about extended release medication that spreads out the medication's release throughout the day. When I first took Ritalin as an adult, I felt high for about an hour before I evened out. I hated it. Then I switched to the extended release stuff and it's so much more manageable. The only problem is that it's a bit more expensive as well. Also if Ritalin isn't working right, tell your doctor. ADHD requires a lot of medication shuffling to figure out what works for you. Whether it's a dosage change, a medication change, or supplemental medication, it can be a long journey to find what works.
A good therapist with experience treating ADHD is also very helpful.
I also get a lot out of having friends with ADHD. Our conversations are batshit insane to an outsider, but the flow of conversation just feels right to me when we talk. And there's a lot of bonding that takes place over shared symptoms and quirks. We even share coping mechanisms sometimes. Just in general it's nice not to feel so alone, because for all the "omg I'm so adhd" bs out in the world, it's really not that common and it feels lonely sometimes.
I have the same problem with Ritalin; the prescription says to take it at lunch, so I'm high as a kite for about an hour and then it evens out toward the evening. I will bring it up with my psychiatrist next time I speak with them. I'm still in the army for the time being, so expense isn't that big a deal right now as it's covered by the base hospital. Currently I'm on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor semi-regularly. I do agree there's a lot of self-diagnosed ADHD going around the internet, but you're right, it's not as common as it's made out to be, but more common than people may think. There's still a good portion of the population who believe it's something that only kids get.
Concerta is available as a generic now, for a reasonable price. I currently take Vyvanse, which in brand-name form is absurdly expensive without insurance, but generics just came out for it in August.
I'm leaning towards Vyvanse or Strattera since I want to get away from the Ritalin type stuff and try something else. I made a note to bring it up with my psychiatrist next time I meet them.
Multiple coping mechanisms on rotations, several running at once. What I’ve learned is that what works now may not work tomorrow.
I do wish I picked a career path that worked with my ADHD rather than against it.
I wish I'd picked a career path that worked with ADHD as well; the army isn't conducive to a lack of concentration, but I'm on my way out in a year's time so I'm not too concerned about that. What the career afterwards will be I really have no idea yet.
I’ve done programming for a long time and have been trying to move out of it. I thought it would get easier at the senior level where most of my time is in meetings doing planning and coordination, but it just makes the little time I have to focus on code that much harder.
If I could I’d work two part time jobs, one doing this stuff and another where I’m on my feet and on auto-pilot.
What’s your MOS and rank? I was an E4 33W in the mid 2000’s, but not diagnosed until 2019. In some things I think it was a detriment, general tidiness certainly! And the appetite suppression side effect of the adderal would have been helpful as well.
On the flip side, I think the squirrel effect was a benefit for situational awareness- you notice when something moves. Maybe a disadvantage to stealth, but that didn’t matter in a humvee turret. Also as lower enlisted, most orders were in workable chunks.
I'm not in the US Army, I do IT as a corporal in the CF. I've been in about 10 years at this point, but I'm on my way out medically for leg injuries. I've been able to BS my way through the army because they thankfully dumb everything down, and frag o's are written in such a way that I can understand them when they come down. Tidiness is something I used to be able to maintain well, but it's dropped off substantially as my conditions have encroached on my well-being. Just trying to keep it together.
I do feel like the "squirrel effect" as you call it does help situational awareness, not just in the military but in video games, too. When your head is constantly on a swivel, it's easier to notice stuff other people don't see.
What's the CF?
Canadian Forces.
I've seen a lot of great info here, I hope you found some helpful insights. I think the most important thing for myself to learn, and it's a journey that takes time, is that success for a neurodivergent person can look a lot different than it does for a neurotypical.
Undoubtedly your entire world has been framed as a neurotypical person and it turns out that's not your experience. You now have to unlearn a lot of that conditioning and reframe your experience. I highly suggest the podcast Understanding ADHD for that. They are two ADHD coaches that also have ADHD and they dive deep into giving their listeners a better understanding of how ADHD can permeate every part of your existence while also helping you see that it's not as bad as it sounds, it's just different than what you were taught.
I think it was something that became more pronounced in later life, but looking back on my childhood, the early signs were definitely there. Growing up, my only experience with ADHD was one kid in my class who had to be held down once and given his medication when he refused to take it.
You're right though, I thought I was neurotypical and so did everyone else, and I was treated accordingly. People always badgered me to "get a girlfriend" when the reality was that I had schizoid personality disorder and making/maintaining connections with others is more or less impossible most of the time. I really wish I'd known about this stuff a long time ago, but as I've learned from doing research, many of these conditions really still have a poor body of knowledge.
Yeah, the janky coping systems we use tend to fail as life gets more complex. It's not without trying, but eventually it's just more likely that we hit one of those really tough periods of life and those coping tools that have "Worked" all our life fail.
Don't be discouraged if you notice that the old tools you used before don't work anymore. There's a commonality amongst people who have masked deep into their adult life that they "Regress" and things that were once easy feel impossible. You just need time to relearn better tools. None of this has a moral reflection on you, focus on changing the tone of the inner voice that speaks to you about yourself. I've found that the more compassion I can create for the people around me, the more compassion I have for myself. We are commonly wired to make so much pass/fail or attach some kind of morality to actions. But the truth is, we're all just doing our best and that comes in varying degrees.
During the pandemic, when a lot of us had to spend most of the time at home with our spouses, me and my SO fought often.
Found this book , and noticed that the book explained a lot of the same problems.
Got diagnosed with adhd (not the hiperactivity part) as an adult in my 30s, got some medicine, but honestly I don't really like it. I'd like to try other medicine but methylphenidate is the only thing available here.
Found that caffeine helps a little bit (for me). So most days I drink coffee now, and drink the medicine only when I feel I'd really need it for the day.
It was assumed that I had ADHD throughout my childhood, but I always did good in school so was never diagnosed. For my undergrad, school gave me enough structure that I thrived, and showed almost no symptoms. Then I was unemployed for a year and got extremely dysfunctional. That is when I got tested and put on meds. They help a bit, but not enough and I have been experimenting with practices that help.
One thing I have started a month and a half ago is to not carry around my smartphone. In general, phones are addictive, but I think my ADHD exacerbates it. So, instead what I do is I carry around a small notebook. I have zero object permanence so everything gets recorded into the notebook, because I won't remember it otherwise. Everything goes into the notebook. Not having such an easy distraction has helped me a lot. Plus I find it rewarding to cross off an item off the to-do list of my notebook, and looking forward to doing that motivates me on smaller tasks. You do have to make peace with boredom, but I think we as a culture have forgotten how to be bored, so lean into it. The one downside, is in situations in which I need my phone on me I have lost a lot of self control in how to handle that, so be cautious with this.
Another big benefit for me is to be physically active. I bike commute even in the winter, 10km one way. It has helped a lot with my hyperactivity. Starting my day off with biking (without music), helps me think and process things I need to do for the day. Then on my way home, I normally have more time to brainstorm solutions to try the next day. It takes me anywhere between 20-30min to get to my destination depending on where I am going. I do a lot of processing on my bike, as my ADHD does not allow me to sit and think. I have thought to myself that my work should pay me for my ride, as normally I solve problems either heading into or heading home from work.
I occasionally watch HealthyGamerGG on youtube, and he said this (I'm summarizing here):
We (ADHDers) try so hard to not fail that we distract ourselves with perfectionism. Then we fail anyway. So we learn to fail upfront since it's inevitable (procrastination) and because we know we thrive under pressure, in chaotic circumstances. This needs to STOP. In order to rebalance the brain chemistry (Idr what he said about the chemistry, but it's about how ADHD brains are wired differently), we need to rely on habits. Yes we will still fail sometimes, but at least we have a higher chance of not failing for longer. Since we know failing is inevitable, don't bother trying to not fail, just try to delay the failure for as long as possible. Habits don't require attention or much effort to do them (past making the habit for the first time), and so people with ADHD are far less likely to forget to do them.
This ofc won't fix the disordered behavior/thinking, but try to incorporate this with your other methods for managing ADHD. I'm curious to see if it helps you.
I'm planning on implementing this too, as I was also diagnosed later in life (about a year ago now).
I'll look into it, but I'm not having a productive time trying to manage my symptoms. I tend to develop a laser-focus on a specific thing or task and completely forget everything else. Dishes sit in the sink for weeks sometimes, among other things. I'm hoping to get some assistance from my folks if I move back in with them because there's a lot of stuff I simply can't do on my own without help. That's at least a year out, though.
So the habit for the dishes might be to put them straight in the dishwasher instead of the sink. Or to have soapy water in the sink already, so putting the dishes in to soak makes the scrubbing part easier and therefore quicker (this is if you dont have the dishwasher).
Or if you know neither of these is going to work for you, buy disposable plates instead. If you can afford it, I'd recommend paper or bamboo disposable/compostable plates+cutlery.
If you want more suggestions, I can try for other things too. Also, I haven't tried this before now, but try asking ChatGPT for tips or suggestions on managing adhd symptoms. When I asked it (very quickly just now), I got this:
I also struggle with depression, and it's co-morbid with adhd, so here's some suggestions from when I asked it about fatigue and "laziness" as I call it (the fact I called it "laziness" and ChatGPT suggested number 7 is noteworthy):
I appreciate the tips. I'm seriously considering the paper plates thing, at least for a while. I don't have a dishwasher, but I'm looking into maybe getting a countertop one because that's all I have room for.
I have tried so many things, it's disheartening. Apps, schedules, notes, systems of all kinds. Two things seem to work: Vyvanse, and doing something engaging that I truly want and love. The first part is easy to solve. The second, not so much.
I sympathize entirely. Right now, I barely have the motivation/concentration to do much of anything. I do what I can, and try to keep people I work with in the know about my conditions so they hopefully understand why I'm the way I am. Finding something you can stay engaged with can be hard; I realize now that ADHD accounted for why I often would pick up something such as a hobby, be briefly super into it and then suddenly drop it for apparently no reason. It's possible to keep interested in some things, but like you said, finding those things you can stick with are the hard part. The only thing that seems to work for me is to find things adjacent to hobbies I used to enjoy.