Looking for advice — extreme frustration with my dog
My dog is really important to me. Without going into much detail, he and I have been through a lot and I’m committed to making his life as good as possible. a couple of years ago we lived in San Francisco and we were happy. Then I moved to the East Coast, spent a year with my parents before starting a PhD. That was not the best experience, it was at the last stage of his adulthood before being elderly, and he got attacked by my mom‘s dog several times and we were in a shitty concrete hell suburbia that had no good places to walk him. I am very sympathetic to how difficult the transition has been.
Finally we have a place to ourselves again, and it sucks. I feel like he’s ruining my life. It’s been upsetting me to the point that I want to scream.
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he will not leave me alone. He needs to be where I am at all times. We live in a modest one bedroom apartment, and you can see every room from any other room. if I go into the bedroom and he’s in the living room, he has to hop off the couch and follow me 15 feet. If I go to the bathroom, he’s laying down outside the door. Because of his arthritis, I wish he would just stay and not walk unnecessarily.
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I take him on one good size walk and two or three small walks per day. these are the most frustrating times of my day. He lags behind me no matter how slowly I go. I have to keep the leash very short so that I don’t have him fearing off left and right. He wants to smell every single thing. He used to, be a good walker and he would stay at my side and come to that position if I signal him to. But in his old age, he just doesn’t listen to me, it’s not a matter of hearing. He completely ignores me.
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if he is not eating, out on a walk, or tearing up a stuffy, he is unhappy. He lays and will now and then sneezes or sighs.
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he has always had this problem where, a sudden loud noise will deeply disturb him. He will shake uncontrollably, and any attempt to soothe him, by talking to him or touching him, just makes him shake worse.
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he hounds me for food. The moment I touched something in the kitchen, he comes.
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I have gotten him several bowls to try slowing down his eating, but he eats like he’s starving. So I have to feed him in small bits, and if the bits are spread apart too far, he starts shaking like he’s being neglected. I have had him tested for diabetes or other issues, his blood work comes back normal.
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he always wants to sleep in my bed, but he does not want me to touch him. If we are sleeping back to back and our hips touch, he gets off the bed. And then he gets back on as soon as he sees a decent opportunity. we used to share the bed, because I have had a California king size bed by myself, and it was fine. But in the last year, it’s just like he hates it.
I have come to hate the sound of his collar jingling. I have nasty thoughts like waiting for the relief of him passing away. Sometime I have an aggressive voice, but I really do always try to keep my voice light and keep his tailwagging in my interactions with him. I’m sure he can sense my agitation though. It has become overwhelming. I don’t enjoy a single moment of our life together.
And I have to work and he needs to be walked several times a day and he will shake if he feels like he’s being neglected in that aspect, so when I have to go run errands, I take him with me, but I can never get anywhere because not only is he naturally slow. He has developed this instinct of lagging behind and he wants to stop and smell everything and it’s just annoying to have to constantly crouch down and Argue with him to get him to move his body. I don’t feel comfortable, forcing him to move, especially because of his arthritis.
Like I said, he used to have good training, but it has all fallen by the wayside and he is old and stubborn.
But this cannot continue. I Don’t believe either of us are happy. I would like some advice on how to effectively train him in the time that I have, I do not have the money to hire a trainer. I also ask that you handle your responses gently; I am extremely upset by this and I am aware of how shitty it sounds of me to speak of him so poorly, but my mental health is falling apart because of the lack of freedom and relaxation that I can find living with him.
I have no intention of rehoming him, and have always been committed to his safety, and comfort and mental and physical happiness. if I rehomed him, it would haunt me, it would devastate me. But I would do it if I believed he would be happier. But I don’t believe he would be, I have left him with my parents and other people in the past, and he just waits vigilantly for me to return.
Edit: I also want to say that I am open to advice on how I can manage myself and my feelings about this
It sounds to me like your dog has a bad case of anxiety, and the only relief he gets from it is distraction (eating, chewing, walking, etc.).
There are quite a few things that could be causing it. Maybe he is experiencing chronic pain? You mention he has arthritis. Could a vet prescribe him a painkiller and see if his mood improves?
He may dealing with trauma (from having previously been attacked) or with early dementia. Maybe the vet could try putting him on an anxiety treatment plan? These days, there are a lot of medications for addressing mental health in dogs.
He could be experiencing loneliness after moving from a larger household into a smaller household where you are the only other being he interacts with. Are there any neighborhood kids you could pay to come give him attention? When I was a kid, I had several neighbors who paid me pocket change to visit their pets after school (before they got home from work), just to play with them and talk to them while I did my homework. Or do you know people or other dogs he gets along with? Maybe he could have regular visits with them.
Lastly, I urge you to reconsider the way you take walks. Are these walks for you or for him? If they are for him, let him take them at his own pace. Senses — including smell — deteriorate with age, and he probably needs to spend longer sniffing to get the same stimulation as he used to. Smell is an extremely important sense to dogs; a full third of the canine brain is dedicated to the olfactory system. If he is sitting around bored all day while you are at work, these walks may be his only opportunity to exercise his brain — and that's extremely important for mental health, especially in old age.
I'm going to 95% agree with you here!
One of the most important things I learned in my new-dog-owner training classes was exactly this: that it's extremely enriching and engaging to allow dogs to sniff during walks. Here's a quote from a relevant article:
When I heard similar advice from my dog trainer, the immediate worry that sprang to mind was "How do I still make sure my dog recognizes I'm in charge on the walk, though!? If I just let him dominate the walk and sniff where he wants, stop whenever he wants, what then?" Here's a selection of advice my dog-trainer gave for this scenario:
Use a different leash or harness, depending on what kind of walk you want. For example, we have a harness that has two possible attachment points. (One on the chest, one on the back.) The trainer suggested that the chest-attachment be used for "exercise" walks, and that the back-attachment used for "sniffari" walks! The chest-attachment would make it naturally uncomfortable for the dog to lead or pull, and would provide a gentle, but more firm, tug when we kept going without them. On the other hand, the back-attachment makes it far more natural for the dog to lead, and to roam around a bit more freely. You could also just use a different leash or harness entirely, of course!
Have a command for sniffing, and for getting a move-on. Our trainer recommended using a command, like "Go sniff!" or "Sniffari!" or something, when you want the dog to sniff. This will be in addition to commands like "Come on!" or "Hurry up!", because it's important that the dog be taught that sniffing is an acceptable behavior. because then they'll start to feel like they don't have permission to sniff around. (It's very similar to the idea behind training dogs to "Speak!" to reduce barking) But, it's also useful because, obviously, it lets you designate a 'correct' place and time to sniff. Here's a great article on how to train for this. (In fact, it's helped me realize I've screwed up too! Woops! Gotta work on this.)
Have a time limit. This is actually something I've discovered for myself, and it works great. I've trained my dog that when I start counting down from 10, when we reach 1, we're going to get moving again. He pretty consistently pulls away from whatever he's sniffing either at 8 (if it's low-interest) or 4 (if it's high-interest), but almost never lets it reach 1, unless it's EXTREMELY high-interest. Even if you don't have any verbal command associated with this, just having some sort of mental idea of how long to allow them to sniff helps you remain objective, fair, and teach the dog that some sniffing is okay when out and about, but not too much. Because they'll begin to internalize that time limit too!
So, why the 5% disagreement with you, /u/RoyalHenOil? Well, because I think a walk shouldn't be entirely at the dog's own pace. A clear system and shared understanding between dog and human is important, because there will be times when the dog needs to get moving on shared terms. That may be for safety reasons, time management, or just to make sure their relationship doesn't become adversarial. As /u/GoodhartMusic said, this isn't just during walks, but also during errands and whatnot. (Hopefully though, if walks become more engaging, and potential anxiety is addressed, then the need to bring the dog on errands will be lessened.) Still, I do totally understand where you're coming from in placing the dog's enrichment needs first.
Nonetheless, I strongly recommend, at the very least, training for sniff-and-recall. It is a myth that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" - unless they're really senile, it's a good thing to continually enrich your dogs life, because training with new commands and tricks is enriching for both you and your dog. And in this case, teaching sniff-and-recall can really help. You will be fighting an uphill battle from years of doing it differently, but that doesn't make it impossible, and it sounds like any progress, however marginal, could help.
This was pretty stream-of-consciousness, so I apologize if any part of it was confusing or vague. Please let me know if there's anything that needs clarification or elaboration. I hope this helps!
Absolutely, which is why I asked whether the walk is for OP's sake (as in the case of running errands) or for the dog's sake. When it's the latter, I think it's important to let the dog spend a long time sniffing, since that may be the only real stimulation he gets anymore.
Worrying about whether the dog vs. the owner is dominating the walk is (in my opinion) not really appropriate for dogs displaying the kind of anxiety that the OP describes. This is a dog who's scared of being left alone and not being guided at all times, and that neediness is (very understandably) driving the OP up the wall. The dog needs to have his confidence and independence restored, not undermined. I think he should be encouraged to make decisions on his own — like deciding when to sniff and when to walk — because it will help him feel less reliant on his owner.
Training games can absolutely help as well, so long as the trainer does not get frustrated and understands that the goal is to restore the dog's confidence, not master some trick or command as quickly as possible. I didn't think to mention training in my original post, but training games are hugely positive for dogs' psyche, and they need not be mentally or physically challenging (e.g., when I say your name, look at me and get a treat) to still do a lot of good for a nervous dog.
You’re absolutely correct! My bad on misinterpreting your question, I took that to be more rhetorical than you intended it to be I think. Further, you’re totally right about the importance of restoring the dogs sense of autonomy and confidence. Consider me 100% in agreement now! 😊
This is off topic, but tagging people is done with /u/username. ~ is for tagging a group (e.g., ~tildes). Otherwise, this is a great, insightful comment.
Woops, I’ve done that right before, just brain farted this time. Thanks!
Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts. I especially think pain and anxiety should be addressed with a vet.
But if you saw us walk, you would eat your comment lol. I basically walk 1mph, and he sniffs everything that can be sniffed. I’m annoyed because I chose an expensive neighborhood specifically because of its proximity to two parks. I think he gets a lot better stimulation when there’s people around, especially children and other dogs. Five minute walk with him now 15 to 25 minutes.
at the same time, I think that me not leading the walk could be stress inducing for him, so sometimes I do try to be more strict with him and use treats to keep his attention and make sure he stays by my side, but his unending starvation makes the introduction of treats Even more reckless. He becomes so focused on my pocket and tense in his body.
So something I do with my dogs a couple times a week is take them an an extra leisurely stroll. I bring a folding chair and a book, and I will take them to a smell-worthy spot and let them sniff to their hearts' content (usually 5-10 minutes if it's a really smelly spot, longer if they also find a bug to stalk or something). Then when they are thoroughly finished, we move to a different spot.
My dogs are both young and very high-energy breeds, so most of our walks are more active than this, but they do still benefit from these extra-slow walks as well. They are honestly more tired out by a slow walk than an active walk, I think because they use their brains so much.
I'm not sure if this will work for you and your dog, but it might be something to try — for example, driving him to a park and doing it there.
I think it would be great if I got him a wagon (lmao) to get him to an enclosed park so I can sit and he can do his thing. I wonder how that’ll go because it’s been a while (I will stay alert for signs of discomfort/safety issue) and his MO these days is to be nervous or anxious when I stop to sit on grass or bench during a walk (keep going keep going!)
The sniff-o-matic 200 wagon! Dog stroller?
Are you currently working on this? If so I would hazard it isn't the dog. Without knowing you, your life, or your dog, but having been through a PhD program: I am hearing a lot of stress talking.
I wanted to pop in here to bring up that point as well. Stress and depression can make you hypersensitive and irritable, so it may be worth considering your overall condition. I would recommend seeing a counselor if it is feasible. Talking to someone who can help you understand your stress is incredibly helpful.
I hope you feel better, and good luck with school! :)
I’m starting TA training tomorrow, and I’ve been prepping for entrance exams. But I think the main stressor has been the setting up of my apartment and getting all my ducks in order including healthcare related stuff and yada yada, especially on a limited budget.
you’re not wrong, it’s just that he is adding to my stress. I do reflect on whether I’m reacting to him or projecting anxiety, and it’s not 100% either way. I mean it just doesn’t seem right that a dog cannot sit still if I walk 10 feet one way. it was not always like this. He would happily nap while I worked. And you know it’s just like everything about him has become so needy and annoying.
You're in a very stressful moment. For me personally when I'm in that headspace anything that isn't progress on goal or distracting myself feels like a burden. It's caused unforced errors in my own life that I regret viz. not being available for important people/moments in my life. I don't know if this resonates but I mention it because it's my experience and at the time I hadn't been able to identify it.
Your dog has also had some significant changes, moving several times, their owner clearly stressed out, I expect the dog also senses a different disposition. If me or my SO are upset our dogs tend to get more clingy. Mine has always been a bit like yours, he will always be in whatever room we are in. If we're in separate rooms he bounces back and forth or finds a midpoint where he can hear both of us. He also sighs quite a bit when he's just laying there. He tries to walk in front of us when we're talking around the house but doesn't know where we're going so we trip over him daily. It's just how my dog is and I'll miss it when he isn't with us anymore.
One of our dogs also has a bit or arthritis. He is much slower on walks and while both like to stop and sniff he stops to sniff way more often during a flare up. During those days our walks are shorter and much more sniffing oriented. They both know "leave it" so when it's time to keep moving they will but we keep a balance. It helps that my shepherd is generally trying to pull him along a bit. It isn't uncommon for my shepherd to be at the the end of his leash ahead and our lab at the end of his leash behind. But eventually he'll catch up and we keep walking.
I don't know your disposition generally, but along with having a check up with a vet, I'd encourage you to consider how you can reframe the current struggle. In a couple semesters when the baseline stress has dropped a bit, what will you wish you had done now? You clearly don't like how you're feeling about your dog now, maybe you can approach that with more intentionality. Yeah a walk, but maybe 10 minutes of play time and practicing commands? I found in grad school that relationships I didn't maintain quickly deteriorated, the ones I did maintain came our of it much stronger.
Edit: for context, my 9ish (unsure, rescue) GSD was adopted during covid and it was very stressful to get him trained. He had a lot of anxiety and would destroy things in the apartment, try to escape through windows, etc whenever I left. He's well adjusted now though very much a rascal and always needs to be in the action. My SO's 9y/o lab was raised by her as a puppy. Very gentle, quiet, often takes his own space and finds his own room to hang out in. They have a great relationship with each other and both of us.
You do a lot more for your dog than I do for mine! Once we had a kid, our two dogs had some new boundaries including no more sleeping in our bed. They were pissed but got used to it.
I say talk to your vet. Our second dog was still peeing in our house months after we got her - way past the point of normal potty training - and I was about to lose my mind. It was so gross. My wife wanted to give the dog up because the peeing was nonstop and we assumed it was a serious medical issue at that point. Nope, just an anxious dog. Vet gave her Prozac and hasn't peed inside once the entire time we've had her.
I thought it was really dumb to give a dog Prozac, but I guess that's why the vet gets paid the big bucks instead of me. Vets know animals. Mention what's happening. They may have some awesome advice and/or medications for your old dog. Tell them everything.
And by the way, it's okay to have that "wish this person/dog would just die" feeling. Many people will feel that at some point when a loved one becomes a burden. It's natural and it's also natural to feel guilty for feeling that way. Logically, in your brain, you know that you love the dog and don't actually want him dead. You just want your rest, your peace, and your freedom. We all want these things and we get super cranky when we don't have them. Your dog is getting in the way of those things and it's pissing you off. Totally normal.
Hey just wanted to pop back and thank you for your thoughtful response ❤️
You are describing every dog on the planet. I have two (2yo and 3yo).
Both do all of the things you listed. One barks like crazy at every loud sound, the other one shakes badly when there are thunderstorms.
Every dog will come after you if they hear you opening things in the kitchen. The moment I open something or do anything at the counter they just appear out of nowhere.
Dogs need to smell things when on walks. I basically let my dogs chose where we walk because the walks are for them, not for me.
We don't let our dogs in our beds. Couch sure, but bed is the only place we don't accept. We catch them there sometimes and they run away. It's kinda funny.
Our house is bigger, but no matter where I am, at least one of them are with me. Usually both follow me around.
I'm in bed right now and here she is.
It sounds to me like you are stressed.
I will preface this by saying that every dog is different and I don't know your dog. Currently I have 3 dogs, a 15 year old blind and mostly deaf Pomeranian with multiple health issues, a 7 year old Pit/Lab mutt with anxiety, and a 1.5 year Pyr mutt with a history of reactive aggression and resource guarding.
Your dog is capable of choosing if the discomfort from the arthritis is not worth being near you. I completely understand both being annoyed by being followed around constantly and having it compounded by wanting him to chill. But is the issue that he is underfoot or is the issue that you are worried about him being uncomfortable?
You have gotten a lot of good advice here but I will reiterate that the older the dog gets the more they are made happier by just going slow and sniffing. Both of my young dogs have their main walks as sniff patrol walks where they get to check the smells. We do exercise walks less because honestly they like the sniffing walks more and they get more worn out from 20-30min of deep sniffing than from 45min of traditional walking. The oldest one does not even really walk anymore and instead I just plop her in a location and let her sniff and roll.
What would you prefer he do in his downtime? He might be unhappy but he is also old and old creatures do a lot of sitting around and sleeping. You comment that you don't want him following you around due to the arthritis, so are you expecting him to be sleeping?
At this stage of life you could talk to behavioral trainers if you want to find ways to address this issue. If he has trouble self soothing it is a problem and he might benefit from intervention.
Because he is very food motivated you may be able to use this to provide additional stimulation for him. Have you tried games such as treat hunting? Additionally you could try distracting him from his fear of loud noises by redirecting him towards performing a command for food. One way I have been successfully working with my dog with aggression issues is by redirecting her focus on the thing she is mad at towards "training time", where she instead has to do minor commands like sit and down to get treats.
How many meals a day do you feed him? He might benefit from having smaller meals more frequently.
To be fair on this one, beds are comfy but cuddling is not always great, especially if he is sore or uncomfortable from arthritis. Is the problem that he wants to be in the bed but wants space? Of my three, the oldest doesn't sleep in the bed because of her being blind we can't risk her falling out, the pittie prefers the floor near the bed because he is skittish, and the puppy loves the bed but likes her space when sleeping so she moves between our bed and a guest bed depending on if she wants to cuddle or not. They are just preferences and I don't think you should read it something negative.
Someone else mentioned that it seems like perhaps your real life stress is resulting in some of this being so irritating, and I hope you really think about that, because many of these sound relatively minor in the grand scheme of what living with an aging pet can mean. He is not a young dog anymore, his needs are different now and yours are too. You are busy with your life in a different way, doing a PhD and TAing is a large time commitment with a very large level of stress attached. Consider which of these are actual problems with the dog and which are maybe scapegoats for other things.
Thanks for your thorough response. I will say that dogs do injure themselves unnecessarily, and I do need to limit him getting on and off couches to keep his joints rested. So I got a baby gate from a thrift store, and I also got like 40 stuffed animals from eBay, and I have a wagon for him coming in the mail so that we can get to play areas more efficiently. But I have definitely been staying aware of what aspects of his behavior present as problems, or things that I’m making into problems because of my mood. And have been purposefully starting the day with a long cuddle session and making his schedule more routine so I think we’re both both gonna do better.
When things are good and (I think most importantly) routine, he does sleep while I work. That’s what I like to see.
It really sounds like you love him and it’s so great that you are doing so much for him. He is lucky to have you. For the couches if he is insistent about being on them one thing that I don’t know if you looked into is doggy stairs. When our Pom started getting older we got little dog ramps for the couches so she would have a safe way up and down and it worked to bridge the period between her trying to jump when she really couldn’t anymore and her being too blind to be trusted on furniture anymore.
In my opinion you are absolutely correct that routine is the most important factor in keeping things smooth. I really wish you guys the best of luck in having a happy and smooth time as he lives out his golden years and you complete the PhD.
Well-said. I have cared for multiple dogs through all stages of their lives. I get the frustration, as it's difficult to watch your buddy decline, and have to deal with the fallout. It can be very inconvenient, especially with an anxious dog, or one who develops incontinence and other health issues. If you are lucky enough to have a dog who lives to be a teenager, they almost always do.
They are as scared and frustrated as you are when things go wrong. And they can't tell you what's going on. Wouldn't you feel anxious and seek comfort if you had arthritis and other health problems? If they're anxious already, pain and other issues will magnify it. They'll want to be comforted, but things like arthritis and pain when touched will confuse them. Sometimes, their minds start to depart in old age (just like ours do), so they do take more time on walks. Even if they're all there, they may just be in so much pain all the rest of the time that smelling things on the walk is one of the only times they're really happy and distracted from said pain.
Your dog is on a limited timeframe, and then they'll be gone forever. They need grace and patience.
I echo the suggestion to bring these things up with your vet. There are quite a few illnesses that older dogs deal with that can be causing some of these behaviors. Please get him checked out thoroughly.
Also it is clear that you love your dog and you are at the end of your rope. If you have the means, maybe a bit of a break would do you both some good? Like paying someone to take him on a good sniff walk once a day, or even once a week if that's all you can afford? The pressure you are feeling is doing neither of you any good. It might help your dog feel more confident without being constantly at your side, as well--he might even come to look forward to it.
Edit: just want t add that I have a dog who is now 1 1/2, and for a large part of her first year, I honestly thought I might not survive it, it was so hard and exhausting and frustrating, So I totally feel for you and with you.
We had a dog when I was growing up, but I haven’t yet had a dog of my own in adulthood. I know I want a smart dog, but I also know they’re an enormous amount of effort and energy.
Once I’ve got a good bit of vacation time saved up (ideally a few weeks at least, maybe a month or two) I intend to get a dog and have my full time and attention available for the dog to really get the ground work in place. I’ve been thinking about it for years, but I’ve been recently going through a complete career shift, so I’m essentially building up my vacation time from scratch again.
Hey thanks very much for your kind thoughts
My dog also has some separation anxiety that you seem to be describing. I have him on Prozac that the vet prescribed for him that helps him a ton. It’s only $15 a month for his prescription but got him 50% of the way to being better for me.
I paid $2500 for dog training that has really solved all his negative behaviors, but I get that it’s a sacrifice to pay that much.
Look into the medication with a veterinarian, but I would start saving ASAP for a trainer if it’s possible for you to put any amount away.