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Hi tilders; In my first relationship ever. Any advice?
As the title says I got into my first relationship this past week (Im 22; male) and boy do I feel happy. Now I gotta be the best me I can be, any relationship tips for a dude? (I'll take advice from all genders).
Thank you!
1 week later edit: Thank you to everyone who offered advice based on their experience. I got a taste of different stories however the tl;dr seems to be:
- be honest, even if the truth is ugly
- constant open communication
- stay true to yourself
- dont rush things; let things happen naturally
- if things don't turn out well; then thats just life
Enjoy it and don’t take relationship advice from the internet.
Yeah, you can theorycraft all you like, but you can't read minds. Sometimes you just gotta commit to your idea of happiness and see if it jives with their idea of it.
Show them who @TheFaised is and spend time enjoying finding out who they are. That's all there is, even if you didn't particularly enjoy what you ended up finding.
This is good thank you
These two comments are basically what I would say.
No two relationships are the same by any means. What advice works for you may not work for others. That being said, here's a couple tips I feel should be mentioned.
Take your time to get to know them, their likes, dislikes, goals, dreams, ideals. Do the opposite, let them know about yours!
Learn how to communicate with them! This includes listening as much as it includes talking. Be honest with yourself, and them. If you disagree, don't just nod your head for fear of insulting, or coming off wrong. Speak your mind, but not in an inflammatory way. Discuss things with them, as in any relationship, it's a partnership. There will be some give, and there will be some take, and that's okay!
Be willing to work towards bettering the relationship! No relationship starts out perfect, and there is always some way to improve!
And this one is just a little caveat I've found in my experiences. Don't forget to flirt. Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean that the niceties need to stop. This kind of ties into getting to know them, though.
Other than that, @ruspaceni is dead on.
But should he listen to you? You told him to not listen to the internet through the internet. Hmmm...
Good point! ;)
Don't make your relationship your identity. You're yourself, first and foremost. Having a fulfilling life as an individual is essential for having a fulfilling relationship.
Also, this relationship may or may not be the right relationship. Enjoy it, but don't feel like you can't do better if you eventually decide that you're not compatible long term.
There's a lot more I could say, but those two are pretty important and often glossed over.
As someone who has been both boy and girl in a relationship, here are some pitfalls to avoid (that I didn't):
I'm sure I have other things, but I am incredibly tired right now. I hope this advice will help you, or just ignore it ~ I can't make anyone do anything.
I hope it goes well.
@Ten
ps. I've been married for 13 years, 11 of it together.. I thought things were fine but they weren't, so I may not be the best person to take advice from.
Don't do this, it's bullshit. Reply whenever you feel like it. If she's talking to you then she probably wants an answer, but keep in mind you don't have to drop everything to talk to her whenever she wants. It's a two way street, just act how you'd expect her to act.
I'd say it's good advice but for the wrong stated reason. You don't want to set a the "have to drop everything to talk to her whenever she wants" precedent. It's important for both parties to respect the other's space. And it's also important for both parties to know and respect how much attention the other needs in order to feel cared about. I'd say a good rule of thumb for those of us who grew up with texting as a major mode of communication is that you should try to respond to each others' texts within an hour at a most when possible.
This is true, but be careful not to go scorched earth. It's easy to say thing in the heat of the moment that you regret later but cannot take back and make everything the same again (i.e. breaking up. Even if you get back together, things will be different). And don't assume you're always right, refusing to listen will only make things worse (like you said, communication is key!).
Why the 2 year difference? Were you long-distance?
She left.. with the kids.. on May 20, 2016 :| Complete cut me off.
And sadly, no, I don't have the money to go to court. I have literally no idea where they are in the country.
Don't be too hard on yourself if it ends - too many people think it's the end of the world when they're younger, and it's just not. The sun also rises, ya'know?
A lot of times people say "Women like when..." and "Men do this..." and my opinion is that you should just throw all that stuff out the window because each human is different. Talk to your SO. Find out what they like/don't like by asking about it. If you're not getting answers from open-ended questions, ask specific ones.
"The 5 Love Languages" was a HUGE eye-opener for me. It's not necessarily scientific, but it makes a lot of sense. It states that people like to show and receive love in different ways. If you want to take the quiz for people in relationships, I've linked it here. I learned that it's important to show love not in your own love language, but in your partner's love language(s).
Lastly, I don't know you, but try not to fall into the "men can't show emotion" trap. If your SO hurts your feelings, let them know! If you're feeling sad, tell them! Find out what your love language is, and tell them that too; if they're ok with it, have them take the quiz and then consciously work to make them happy using it.
Remember that love is not only a thing you fall into and out of; it's an action verb. If this becomes a serious relationship, it's important to show love and make sure they're doing the same for you. Good luck!
Don't be afraid to communicate! Talk about things that bother you! If you don't talk about them, you'll start to build resentment and that is a for sure relationship killer.
Make sure you don't get so caught up in the relationship you never put yourself first! I've both seen it happen and been there myself and it's not a good time.
Congrats and have fun!! :D
Don't change who you are because of her/him.
I know this is popular advice and I agree to not let yourself be forced to change in ways that make you unhappy (run!), but I'd say most relationships I've been in did change me, for the better. I'm going to the gym because an ex-girlfriend pushed me, I've learned to be a little more decisive after having been told it's a character flaw of mine, etc, etc. There's things a romantic partner can tell you you that maybe not even your parents, not even your friends can, and it's IMO a healthy perspective to consider.
Make compromises about the insignificant things, and there are a lot of those. Don't compromise your morals and ethics. Someone who doesn't respect your standards of morality will only cause problems
Been with my partner 6 years and still going strong.
My experience has been:
-You seriously have to have a friendship foundation underneath the ewy-gooey love. Once the 'honeymoon' phase wears off, you're going to rely on that to maintain interest in the relationship.
-Remember that you are on each other's teams. When arguments happen, the goal is to work towards empathy and respect. The point is to make it through together and come out as a stronger couple, not to alienate each other and "win". You don't have to understand each other 100%, but respect the opinions and experiences. After an argument, reinforce to your SO that disagreement doesn't mean you don't like/love/respect them.
-Learn your "love language" and let your partner know how you best receive feeling loved, cared for, and appreciated! There are five ways we can express and experience love: gift giving, quality time, physical touch, devotion, and words of affirmation. If you value 'quality time' in a relationship but your partner values 'gift giving' (and neither of you are aware of this), then there could be a misunderstanding that leads to resentment. Here's a quiz to get you started on figuring out your love language(s):
https://www.mindful-company.com/blogs/notebook/the-5-love-languages-quiz
Then let your partner know what you need!
-Everyone has baggage. Therapy was an amaaaaazing tool to help us through some make-or-break moments of our relationship. A lot of personal stuff from both of our pasts was wedging itself between our ability to grow as a couple. We saw therapists individually, and would then help each other through breakdowns at home. We probably would not be together today without doing that. So, I highly recommend therapy.
I could seriously go on into more detailed advice but I don't want to write a book here, so these are the things I consider most important in a relationship. Have fun and make great memories!
Your relationship will be in the honeymoon phase for a while, but eventually it will fall out of the honeymoon phase. As others have said, you shouldn't feel pressure to make this relationship the relationship, but at the same time, you should have the perspective to recognize that you will come down from the high you are feeling right now, and that isn't necessarily a sign that the relationship has run out. Any long-term relationship passes through highs and lows, and you will need to develop the self-management skills and communication skills to stay healthy through the lows.
COMMUNICATE. You cannot read their mind, they cannot read yours. There's no "fun" in trying to know what the other wants, just potential for mistakes, and hurt feelings. Sometimes a quick neutral discussion about something early can diffuse months of boiling emotions that leads to rash and regrettable outbursts or actions.
As you are together for longer you'll get a feel for their preferences, but this only comes with communication throughout the entire relationship.
Also, communication is also about listening, listen to the entirety of what your partner is trying to say before letting your emotions in play.
If your partner is not interested in communicating with you, find a new partner. Only heartache and headache ahead.
married 12 years, 4 kids.
as everyone else here as mentioned, successful relationships are between best friends. dating is just a search for a new best friend. if you cant see yourself in that role with that person, then you should do both of you a favor and move on.
the other caveat, and a requirement for any best friend, is successful communication. be overly honest. over-communicate. if you do this part well, you may never have an actual fight with your SO. i know i havent, and we disagree regularly.
Yeah we've been fairly open with each other so far. Seems the best strat is be honest; even if the truth is ugly
Unrelated to your post, but it worries me that you used the term "tilders." Dangerous precedent.
Why?
I was mainly joking, but I think nobody really knows what to call users of this site yet and "tilders" isn't a particularly attractive name IMO. I hope it doesn't stick by accident.
Le tilders army, amirite?
Imho it is almost impossible to avoid, althought I would prefer to skip that name too.
Is ~ers better?
Communication is key. Don't be afraid to talk about issues or concerns you have. Talk about what you want, and listen to what they want. Help each other get those things. And don't ever say something in the heat of anger just to hurt them. Once it's out you can't ever take it back, and unlike the movies, they probably will leave.