My parent is a bad person [rant]
Not the worst. Not outright criminal, maybe small time stuff. But I mean in terms of moral ethics, is a bad person who's hurt people in the past. And hurts people right now. There might be extenuating circumstances why they grew up like this, but nevertheless the person is a bad person who hurts people. They are a decent parent who I believe do really love me and my sibling, but not selflessly and they don't trust us siblings and is suspicious of us because they project that we must also be terrible people after their money.
I am certain that they grossly misrepresented their age when they met my other parent. I am certain that they had been unfaithful. There are many lies and I do not feel like us siblings or anyone have ever successfully been able to engage with them honestly. They have many facades. My other parent was an honest and good person who deserved much better than how they were treated.
Advice not unwanted, but I'm not really sure what I expect, just airing out a sentiment I do not feel okay to express to any of my friends, and I am trying not to wear out my partner from having to hear it over and over as well. Yes I have an appointment to talk to a therapist
There are many of us in similar situations, since there is absolutely nothing about parenthood that requires being a decent person. Just know that you don't owe them - what they did to raise you was a requirement of them, not a debt - and you should leave if it ever feels like you should for your mental health.
I wish to underscore and reiterate that. Raising kids comes with requirements and if those requirements are not met, a parent is a bad parent, and making kids was a mistake. The parents obviously rarely see it that way, many even expect gratefulness and accolades for the bare minimum they provided to their kids. Don't fall for the manipulation. Be your own person. If your parents aren't your friends, you don't have to be theirs.
Thank you Ryl, I hope you and others like us find peace and happiness and healthy relationships
I hear your rant. Being disappointed in your parents is rough, it runs up against identity and security in big ways.
Thank you, post_below. I don't think I've processed this long enough to understand what it does to my sense of identity or security yet
It's very lonely to have a parent like this, isn't it? Most people just can't relate and they tend to blame the offspring for whatever is wrong.
There are lots of us out there, we've just learned that talking about this with folks in healthy families doesn't end well. One thing to remember is that you do not owe this person anything, no matter what they say. That includes not owing them a relationship if you can't find a way to turn that into something that only takes away from you.
This may or may not be relevant but I know the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" has helped a few people make sense of things.
https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/
When it comes to sensitive/important topics I think its valuable to remind everyone that many books can be found on archive.org or annas-archive[0] since it might not always be safe, affordable or practical to buy them when you need them.
[0] I find it's best to find a working and correct link to annas archive through wikipedia since they often have to move around
I think about how the children are the recipients of their parents parenting; the customer, you could say. It is easy to diminish such a framing as transactional, but it is no less true for being so. Parents ask from their children measures of love, affection, regard, and loyalty such as they feel they deserve for the service of parenting, no easy task. While they are young, the children are often compelled to give their parents what they are told is their parents due.
But children grow up to be adults who will reflect on their upbringing and decide for themselves whether it was a fair deal or not and, if not, what the degree of unfairness was. Then, as adults, they can decide for themselves what the correct course of action is - estrangement, resentment, silent forgiveness, open reconciliation, therapy, abuse, extortion, withholding of affection or access to grandchildren, and so on.
Like the customer, the child is the one who decides whether they were raised fairly or not. And, like they say, the customer is always right. This, of course, is not exactly true. We've all seen plenty of customers returning damaged goods that they, themselves have damaged and asking for a refund. While able to deny reimbusement, the shopkeeper has no ability to compel the customer to enjoy what they have already decided to detest.
In like manner, the parents cannot convince the children that, actually, they had a wonderful childhood and are merely ungrateful brats for failing to realize this. For many parents, that inability is no barrier to their attempt to do just that, but it doesn't work, as attested by the ubiquity of the accusation of "gaslighting" leveled by adult children in connection with their soon-to-be estranged parent.
The dilemma that confronts an adult child who has children of their own is how to navigate a difficult relationship with their own parent without teaching their own children to also judge them harshly as adults and view their own childhood as unfair. As one of compelled affection. Or maybe devoid of affection. As bereft of attention or as perhaps as suffocation from too much attention. Of course, there is no way to parent perfectly. There's barely a way to parent good enough, as any honest parent will tell you. Both are mortal, so niether the parents nor the children are perfect. You could give your kid the perfect upbringing and they would still have the right to accuse you upon reaching adulthood of falling short and thereby choosing to estrange you from themselves and their family. That's their prerogative.
Of course, if you don't have children, then this isn't a concern. Maybe you'll feel differently after they are gone, but maybe not. Regardless, everyone has something that they blame their parents for. How could they not? But everyone makes different choices about how they forgive (or don't) and how they move on (or don't).
Please do talk to a therapist.
It's OK to have conflicted feelings about who this parent is to you. They may not be a good person, but they are still your parent. They may still be married to your other parent. A therapist will help you navigate this.
In terms of identity: You decide you who are. You decide who you will become. And I think you already have.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I'm from a heavily structured culture where hearing "they are still your parent", for some, is a worse insult than being swore at. It's not only used to justify even the worst abuse (psychological, financial, physical, sexual inclusive) from a parent, but as a way to reinforce societal expectation that this awful person is YOUR responsibility: their retirement, health, livelihood and their gambling debt and their mistresses plural and any offspring are your responsibility to prevent them from being a cost to society.
I don't think that's what you were trying to say at all, just provide context that usually for people who complain quietly like this in veiled ways about a parent, it is not the first time they've heard this phrase.
I think that the delineation between "their parent" and "a person who was around and abusive" is one worth examining with the OP's therapist. What is a parent? It's not automatic. It's not genetic, nor due to being married to a parent.
The phrasing seems to come with certain expectations that just aren't reasonable with abusers who cannot or will not stop being abusive.
Have you considered a support group such as ACAD? (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families)
A loved one of mine does this via a support group, and talking about her experiences with others who have gone through similar things has really helped her to process her feelings around her relationship with her parent.
I offer internet hugs and a suggestion to look at the resources and discussions on /r/RaisedByNarcissists. Despite the subreddit name, it's not just for children of narcissistic parents but for children of any kind of abusive caregivers. I've had many friends with bad parents find a lot of helpful resources there, both to know they're not alone and to find good strategies for dealing with them if/when you have to.
I know it's not my place (and why'd he ("I") even comment anyway), but I think the orange alien site is probably not a place you would want to entertain for your own mental wellbeing. It's basically turned into "who can make the snappiest joke on time" over the years. I used to moderate for a large sub some time ago and the user base gradually shifted into "Missed Connections" from Craigslist. Originally, the sub was supposed to be a venting forum.