Advice on dealing with aging parents
Questions first, the long backstory in the details section that follows if you care to read it. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
I've framed this in terms of parents for convenience, but of course I am interested in anyone's experience with the aging.
What did you learn later that you wish you knew about having aging parents when they started needing more care?
What resources were the most help to you navigating the transitions?
That resources do you think were the most help to your parents in navigating the transitions?
If you weren't local, what kind of things did you do to help stay connected? What worked, and what didn't ?
I'm really struggling with depression, disappointment, and worry about my parents. What advice do you have for me?
Details inside. Sorry in advance. This is a long one.
My parents are both in their 70s. My mom retired about 10 years ago, but my dad only retired last year. Shortly after his retirement, he received a dementia diagnosis.
My sister and I live about 3 hours apart, but 1,200 miles away from my parents, who still lived in the town we grew up in. I have been quietly campaigning to get them to move closer for years. My mom always said, "When your dad retires, we'll think about it." But my dad has ADHD, and most things don't happen unless my mom spearheads them. The bottom line was that she didn't really want to leave, so they didn't.
The dementia diagnosis proved to be the required catalyst. They have been packing for the past few months, and the movers moved them in to their apartment in the city where my sister lives. They're holding an estate sale to get rid of the rest of their stuff, and they have already found a realtor to list the house.
They moved into a two bedroom apartment in an independent living facility that has options up to full memory care. Right now they are both functioning well enough not to need any daily care, though my dad is no longer driving.
This new place is going to be good for them at least in terms of meeting their physical needs. It's a very nice facility with lots of social spaces. There's a (kind of blah) meal service, exercise equipment, a movie theater, and guest apartments we can stay in when we visit. It has a shuttle that they can book to take them anywhere within 20 miles, so the fact that my dad can't drive it's not as limiting. They're within easy walking distance of a grocery store and a Target.
I went to visit them this week to help with some unpacking. It really made me sad. They moved from a seven bedroom house that they've lived in for 20 years in a town that they lived in for 45 years. The new apartment is 1200 square feet in a town where they don't know anyone but my sister. I'm glad that they made the move because they need the support, but seeing how diminished their circumstances are, and in some ways, how diminished they are has been really depressing to me.
Things are even harder because the relationship dynamic between them is not good. It's become apparent to me that they mostly function as a couple by not being together. My dad would be at work all day, and my mom was doing her own things: volunteering, book club, etc. Now that my dad is retired, there is a lot of friction between them. It's compounded by some anger outbursts from him that are probably related to the dementia but also certainly related to the unresolved conflict between them. He sees her as the person who's taking away his independence. She feels hurt that she's treated like the bad guy in every situation. She is also bitter because their plan was that he would retire and they would travel and see things they had always wanted to see. The truth is more like: she was enjoying her retirement and independence without having him underfoot, and now she has to face the consequences of having put it off for so long. They have tried couples counseling, but my mom has been saying she doesn't want to keep doing it. I had a super weird moment at Target when we were buying things for their apartment the way you would for a child going off to college, and I almost had to break to an argument between them about towels.
I guess I have idealized their relationship in a way that ignored the reality, and now that those blinders are lifted, it's really shaken me.
To top it all off, my dad has had cancer (GIST) for the past 16 years. It's been pretty stable and manageable, but he is scheduled to have surgery in a few weeks to remove a tumor that recently started growing. This will be the first surgery in the new city, though they have an excellent cancer hospital so he should be in good hands. I will be there for the surgery and the recovery, so that is a good time to be able to suggest things to them or help them with things.