19
votes
What's something that's changed for you as you've gotten older?
No age requirement on the question so anyone can answer, and it can be about anything -- opinions, beliefs, preferences, your own body, etc.
If you're comfortable sharing specific ages/ranges, feel free, but if not that's fine too.
Definitely my views on religion. I grew up southern baptist. Very religious, constantly felt guilty about not being "Christian enough", recommitted my life to Christ countless times alone as a child/teen in my bedroom at night because I thought I was a horrible person, etc. By the time I reached my late teens, I was sick of it. Began questioning it all and decided I was an atheist.
And so I heavily leaned into making atheism a part of my personality. Got super into the atheism subreddit, got angry about my upbringing, hateful about Christians, basically just turned into an ass hole. Honestly a really embarrassing chapter of my life. I was the poster child for annoying college atheists, basically.
Eventually as the anger and frustration cooled I started to have a more nuanced view. I still don't believe in a god, but that's like the least important part of who I am. If religion makes other people happy, then more power to them. It just made me feel like garbage and like I was never good enough. That doesn't mean others can't find joy, purpose, or meaning in it. I'd consider myself agnostic at this point.
In the last few months I've started to dip my toes into Unitarian Universalism to help give me some of the things I liked about church (community, fellowship, etc.) without any of the things I hated. It's a super progressive creed-less religion, so it doesn't conflict with my agnosticism. Lots of Christians, Buddhists, atheists, agnostics, etc. all fall under the UU umbrella.
I grew up catholic and I can still stand behind the core message of universal love, but experiences with the people around me made me very disappointed in the hypocrisy of the average churchgoer. I never went "full annoying atheist" but when I realized I found the "wrong" gender attractive I experienced almost no anguish. In less than a month I was "oh, OK, I guess that's who I am shrug" (gay first, then amended to bi). I don't think you can be a rational person who simultaneous preaches loving everyone and hating specific subsets of people. So it's really damn impressive how irrational most people are.
Something interesting to me is seeing how different people come out of that experience. I've read several other comments here from people who had a very similar experience to you with religion (especially as kids) and I think all that I've read so far chose a similar road to you, going with atheist or agnostic. Further, most (again, here on tildes) also seem to have come to a point of peace, being okay with others engaging in religion.
I had an almost identical childhood experience as you and others here, feeling like I was a bad Christian, a fake Christian, a fraud, and always that I was failing. I came VERY close to that same place of agnosticism. In fact I think there were times that I was agnostic but I refused to admit it to myself. At the very least I lived as though I were agnostic. But I think I'm in the minority here in that I still practice my faith. I had a spiritual experience when I was about 16 that allowed me to separate my faith from the religion that I was surrounded by. It brought me to a place where I could sense a distinction between what was God-given and what was man-made. I began to see how much influence culture and tradition were having on the words and attitudes of the more religious people. I also ended up meeting some like-minded people who had a similar experience to mine.
It was a long and painful transition full of ups and downs. It wasn't some instant fix to everything, and I still spent a long time questioning and wavering. I still have questions I wrestle with. It's been hard to overcome anger at people who were supposed to protect and provide for me used the Bible as an excuse for behaviors and attitudes that don't reflect the Bible.
Please understand, that I'm not trying to say that I'm "better" than anyone else. I don't believe that. I just find it fascinating that people can encounter very similar events and respond in such different ways. It makes me wonder how/why I ended up where I am instead of somewhere else.
I think we're all on a similar page here. Conceptually I still believe in god, and I see good in some of the rituals, but it's as you say - a lot of the problems with organized religion are due to the people, their prejudices, their inflexibility, their lack of insight. In the end, religion must always be a personal experience; there are as many as there are practicioners. There is no Christianity so much as "Joe's Christianity, in which god hates asians for some reason" (because Joe is mean little uneducated asshole) and "Ted's Christianity, in which the notion that you're going to hell for being gay is ridiculous and not even worthy of consideration" and so on and so forth. You believe because you choose to believe, in ways that make sense and bring you peace (and hopefully peace to those around you). The only important thing is never to lapse into dogma. There is no belief worth having that can't stand up to scrutiny.
In retrospect I realize almost all of the issues I had with Christianity were largely because I grew up in a fundamentalist congregation. More liberal denominations are substantially more inline with my views and had I discovered those first, I think there's probably a good chance I'd still be a Christian. But as it stands, I just put it all behind me and went on with my life under the assumption that there is no higher power. And nothing in life has happened to challenge that view for me, so agnostic I remain.
Tolstoy went through an experience that has a lot in common with most of you. It's called "A Confession" and can be found here:
https://d2y1pz2y630308.cloudfront.net/15471/documents/2016/10/Leo%20Toltstoy-A%20Confession.pdf
This is a small thing, but I just can't play video games anymore. Not like I used to.
Most can't hold my interest for more than 2-3 gaming sessions. I don't feel the urge to go look for games to play. The only games I've really liked the last few years were some really short (most under 5 hours) indie games, and more recently Star Citizen. But even Star Citizen was hit or miss at best, with me getting in maybe 6 hours in a weeks time then not playing it for another 3 weeks.
In fact, I've gotten to the point that owning a gaming laptop isn't really worth it, so I gave mine to my brother this month for his birthday. Part of me is kind of sad about this because as a kid I never imagined I'd be "That" adult.
But realistically I know that our interests change, and that's okay. I get to invest my time into photography and D&D instead, and those things are pretty awesome :)
I used to think that I was losing interest in video games, but in reality it was because the industry was abandoning the things that interested me most. Most studios became "AAA", meaning that they were investing millions of dollars into these projects that seemingly targeted the lowest common denominator, and the big game releases tended to be either grey boring 'realistic' affairs, or gorey titilating things like GTA or the original original God of War with it's implied sex minigames. If it weren't for the uprising of "indie" video games, I'd only be playing my retro games until I got tired of them altogether.
But part of that journey was also learning that a lot of the things I thought I enjoyed about games were not things I actually enjoyed. When I was a kid I could play RPGs for a long time because I could put up with grinding. Now I can't, and there's a bunch of RPGs that I won't ever touch because I absolutely abhor grinding. I actually just finished replaying Chrono Trigger and I realized that it's greatest flaw is how often it breaks that promise of no random battles. By the time you get to the Ocean Palace there's also a difficulty spike that makes grinding a necessity.
Now Chrono Trigger is nearly 30 years old, and if there's another game that has taken it's "Best RPG of all time" crown, it's Undertale. Undertale makes an even more bold promise; it tells you that you don't have to fight anyone. And it actually delivers on that promise. And by doing that, the game essentially eliminates grinding by having you choose to kill nothing or to kill everything. While Undertale doesn't have the benefit of having the budget or resources of one of the largest video game companies in the world, it contains a world that is vastly more engrossing and messages that hit home much stronger. And it's also a game that I would have not gotten the chance to play if I had decided to give up on video games when it seemed that my interest was waning.
I used Undertale as an example because I think it's one that most people would understand, but the truth of the matter is that the type of games I'm much more likely to be interested in these days are Visual Novels, and part of that indie revolution is that we're seeing a ton of English Language VN releases, both original works by amazing creators like Christine Love and translations of amazing talented works from Japanese creators. I'm frankly amazed to see that Danganronpa got enough attention that even kids were getting interested in them. If I had let people know I was playing something like that when I was in middle school they would have used it as another excuse to alienate me.
Personally speaking, my learning about how much I enjoyed VNs is how I realized that the thing that kept me most engaged in video games was their narrative and story presentation, and that was extremely empowering because it allowed me to move beyond genre to choose what games I played. I just badmouthed RPGs, but games like Fallout: New Vegas and The Outer Worlds are some of my favorite games of all times. Likewise it makes me turn away from most new JRPGS (has anyone else started thinking that most of them have been reduced to a bunch of teenagers chatting to each other about largely pointless things?). I generally hate Metroid games (big exception to Metroid Dredd), but toss in a little plot like Bloodstained or Iconoclasts and you've just made a Metroidvania that will make me sing it's praises.
Perhaps you could find games interesting again if you explored other genres. Having gamed for many years now since I was a kid, I can definitely say that my taste in games has evolved, and I no longer am interested in or entertained by some games that, to me, seem targeted at teenagers. I label some games as "arcadey". But there are lots of games I'm discovering which seem to target a more mature (or "grown up"? "older"?) audience, or a segment of gamers which is perhaps more hardcore -- willing to invest time into learning combat systems, crafting systems, etc. Or the game world, setting, narrative is more serious. Or the game is designed to be more realistic or historical.
As a kid, I probably would have been like "who cares about King so and so from the Whateverdieaval Ages", but now, I'm like "omg, this is SO cool that the character in this game looks just like King so and so, and they modeled his castle and courtyard almost exactly like the real thing, and the way he just dismantled the argument of that noble while holding court was just wow"
If your personal interests and hobbies are different now, perhaps go looking for games having to do with those?
So many things. If I took the time to sit down and think it through, I'm sure I could come up with a lot more, but I'll spare you and share the first few things that came to mind.
1: My general take on life itself. Growing up, I was a pretty happy kid, but when I entered my late teens/early 20s, depression and anxiety showed up and hit me pretty hard. Most of my early to mid 20s were spent being very unhappy with the general direction of my life, and I think a lot of it came from the struggle to figure out who I really am and accept it. When I graduated from high school I had this idea that I needed to have a crazy college experience where I would go to a bunch of parties, meet a lot of girls, and make a bunch of meaningful friendships that would last a lifetime. Turns out I don't like doing a lot of those things and I didn't really click with a lot of the people I met, but I still forced myself into as many social situations as possible and beat myself up when things didn't turn out the way I thought they were supposed to. A similar problem followed me into my 20s when I hated myself for not being as successful as my teenaged self imagined I would be. Looking back, I definitely had a moderate case of privileged-white-guy-finds-out-he-isn't-the-main-character syndrome. When you grow up learning everything is easy, life will always work itself out, and that the world is your oyster, you can become pretty disillusioned if/when things don't go the way you thought they would (fortunately, I turned my frustrations inward and have halfway decent critical thinking skills, so I didn't turn into a nazi). It took a while for me to realize that I could be happy living a quieter, simpler life. When I was about 29 or 30 I finally started to accept myself for being more of an introvert and having a less social media-friendly life, and it was like removing a massive weight from my chest. I remember having a conversation with one of my closest friends on his 30th birthday where we talked about how we both felt truly happy for the first time and that we were both glad that we didn't have to force ourselves into nightclubs or house parties.
2: My beauty standards and the people I find attractive. When I was younger, I was very shallow and picky about who I would date. As I got older, I stared to date people that I felt a strong connection to, even if they weren't exactly "my type." Some of those dates led to meaningful relationships and after a while, I became genuinely physically attracted to those people. Those experiences helped me develop an appreciation for certain features, and now I am able to see the beauty in so many more people.
3: My hairline. Hang in there, boys.
Are you me? I could have written this whole post!
Same! It took me way too long to realize that I'm an introverted homebody who genuinely prefers a cozy night in to an exciting night out. Some of my friends still give me grief about it, but I'm long past the point of caring. Some people are wired for travel and parties (and more power to them), but I'm wired for a chill evening with my husband and dog on the couch. Even when we go on vacation, that's how we spend the majority of our time.
When I was very young, I was incredibly arrogant. I'm not sure where I got this from. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to cope with the divorce of my parents, who were both absent for many different reasons, both practical and psychological. Demonstrating "smartness" was a sure way to get their attention. They were (and are) both knowledge workers and placed great importance on our (me and my sister) ability to write competently and eloquently, and acquire a vast vocabulary and cultural references. Those are all good things, but they're a sad pursuit when you firmly believe that you'll only be loved by excelling in them.
To this day, I have a weird relationship with the act of writing. On the one hand, I enjoy being able to communicate in a manner that seems, to me, efficient and elegant. On the other, I can't shake the feeling that writing (as well as sounding intelligent) is the only thing that will make me valuable in the eyes of others, be appreciated, and, ultimately, loved.
Writing is, to me, a neurotic exercise. I treat internet comments as graded essays -- correcting, obsessing, and editing over and over. Even on internet messaging, I often write drafts on Google Keep before sending just so everything is right. A wrong word or punctuation is enough to make me slightly unsettled.
But that is not the question, you wanna know about what changed.
So, as I was saying, I used to be incredibly arrogant and was completely unaware of that fact. It's hard for me to remember those times, that is not something I do very often. While self-criticism is important, I often feel trapped in my own mind, watching a film reel containing every time I hurt or humiliated someone with words of snide and contempt.
About 20 years ago, I was in college. I was a good student, excellent in fact. I don't think I'll ever write as well as I did back then. But I had no real friends, and it hurt. To be quite frank, I'm not sure if I was that much worse than some of my colleagues, we all had our demons to tame. But I faced the consequences of being unable to conceal my vicious nature, due to my poor self-awareness, lack of social skills, and complete lack of charisma. Many opportunities were lost.
Good or bad, I was always candid and easy to read, and, even when you're in a bad direction, there's a certain redeeming quality in being brutally honest. At least I never badmouthed people behind their backs. The inability to lie and deceive remains one of my best qualities.
Related to that, but distinct, because there is no malice in that behavior: it was always difficult for me to remain silent when someone did or said what I believed was incorrect. The compulsion to take any matter, no matter how insignificant, to its ultimate conclusion, is at times irresistible.
It took a lot of pain for me to realize my errors. I cannot complain in that regard, life was a great teacher. I would love to say that I found the light and that I am entirely and fundamentally changed, but that would be a lie. I'm still the same in many ways. But, with age, came the understanding that my value will not be asserted on the backs of others. I learned to force myself into silence, to breathe before I speak, and to do so in a manner that is sincerely respectful.
Nowadays, most of my problems in social interaction are the result of my inability to read people and situations and to respond appropriately. It's a matter of competence rather than contempt. I don't need to convince myself that I'm not better than everyone else, that is just the reality, something that is proven over and over, every day. It's hard to believe that it took so long for me to dissociate from the absurd notion that I was, for some reason, special.
The ripple effects of years of bad behavior manifest today as automatic responses that I sometimes don't catch in time. I'm not a good person, not in the slightest. But I'm committed to the effort of becoming one.
6 - a little shy
12 - painfully shy
24 - a little shy
28 - not at all shy
36 - oh fuck, I remember when 30 seemed old as shit, man I said some stupid shit when I was younger, thank God social media wasn't really a thing.
42 - Why are there so many young kids driving cars? When did all the hotties become half my age? Jesus, I could be their Dad.
48 - I swear to God, 18 year olds look like 13 year olds these days, do they not get out in the sun anymore?
38 here....can confirm 18yr olds are basically 12.
I think for me the switch happened at 36 when I realized that I've been an adult for longer than I had been a child. 18 yr olds are just infant adults.
I turn 36 this year...
Damn, never thought about it that way.
I was always an extremely proactive, getting shit done kind of person who liked to dive headfirst into all kinds of projects. In recent years I've become extremely unmotivated and everything is a chore, even things that should come easy based on my training and experience. I'm especially not motivated to improve my income as an end goal.
I used to see people as generally benevolent, but now I see them by default as hostile, intolerant and narrow-minded, which usually turns out to be true.
As a young person I didn't think I was the kind of person who could ever be fit or that it was an objective worth pursuing/wasting my time on. I only lost weight and became generally healthier once I moved out on my own and there was no one left to judge me (family still fought against it at the time though).
This could be a sign of depression, just be aware. That said, at a certain point there's little point to earning more at a detriment to the rest of your life.
Eh, the propaganda networks at play probably have more to do with this than default human kindness. Even the kindest people I know can spit vitriol when triggered.
The job I'd really like to do doesn't pay the bills, but as someone with a good understanding of macroeconomics and how to make money in a capitalist system I can't muster a lot of enthusiasm for earning a regular salary (median salaries are low in my country) doing something I don't want to do. It's ridiculous how people work hard all their lives to make a pittance when it's so much easier to turn money into more money. Everyone's really getting made fools of, with the system being as rigged as it is. And I'm a moderate centrist, imagine if I wasn't ;)
I think I have depressive episodes. I tried seeing a few therapists throughout the years but they never really worked for me. They seem overly expensive (hard to justify keeping it up), mercenary, and rarely capable of telling me things I hadn't already figured out on my own.
This can be very common sadly. Finding someone who can genuinely help is difficult, not even factoring cost into play.
Best advice I can get there is try to click with some peers who suffer depressive episodes. Group therapy can work wonders.
Smoking weed.
I used to burn all the time in my late teens and twenties. Now at 32 I have had maybe a couple grams in the last 6 months. I just enjoy my clear head the more I have it I guess. Since my tolerance went way down any weed hits me like a truck now and I feel like it debilitates me way more than I remember.
I also have been using a dry herb vape for a few years which helped me cut down a lot. I vaped cbd flower for a little while early this year and that was nice but I didn’t really need it.
I'm increasingly giving less of a shit. Not in a toigh edgy way but in a "I notice many more things are rolling off of me" way. It's helping my anxiety, and me not taking myself so seriously.