How do you cope with situations beyond your control?
Specifically you and your methods. And that which is beyond your control could either be on the macro scale such as community-wide or worldwide events, or the more personal side of things such as family, friends or complicated relationships.
I personally am desperate for distraction right now as a result of crisis with my younger brother. It's beyond my control now (though it never really has been) and it's difficult to focus in this period of waiting. For a while, I found some distracting solace in Diablo IV, actually, because the game teeters just enough into mindless action that it keeps me from overthinking. But I need to be working right now and cut through the noise. I am certainly curious about other methods from other folks.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who took the time to share your stories and advice thus far. It has truly been helpful and, in a way, creating this post and reading these responses felt like a method of coping I didn't expect.
Last year, my mother was brutally murdered, and I was the one who found her. So I lost control over everything in my life from one second to the next (my father died already shortly before my mother, so it all rested on me).
In the first days I couldn't do much - the place she died in was sealed off by police (and I already had promised myself never to enter that place again), but also our family home was sealed off as "extended crime scene" - after all, it could have been a family member, or otherwise important traces in the documents.
I talked, and talked (and still talk) about it. It helped to sort things out, not that I will ever fully understand why someone could do it. I also immediately tried baby steps into gaining back a tiny bit of control over the situation. Like I reached out to her insurance company, told them that I don't have access to any documents, and they made me a list which contracts she had were. Similarly I reached out to everything and everyone coming to my mind to ask if there was anything I should know. I wrote long word documents to make sure I'd think of everything, and a year later I can happily state that everything I did wrong amounted to about € 75 in "damage".
I knew I couldn't get full control of it given the lack of access to anything (+ my own trauma), but any baby step helped me to control what couldn't be controlled. After two weeks I started working again. My employer was (still is) super helpful given what happened, I worked (and still work) on my terms. I do what I can and hand everything else to my coworkers. I just needed distraction. I also went extra hours to the gym. If you're weightlifting, you can't concentrate on being devastated.
I also realized that this process would take time, and in my case also need external help. Like... I had seen my mother's remains, that asked for professional help, which I got. Thanks, mandatory healthcare. And I came to accept that she wasn't the only one I lost that day. I lost some more family members that day who took all my work for granted without ever asking about how I'm doing or if they can help, to whom I'll cut contact once everything is done. Accepting this helps to cope with it.
Summary When I was in a situation beyond my control, I (successfully) tried to find any small tidbit that could give me a minimum of control, a minimum of information, the tiniest feeling that I still could do something - that I was an actor in the situation, not a passenger.
I am so sorry for your loss and the traumatic events surrounding it. How wonderful that your work was so understanding. I have used your methods in much less traumatic circumstances - distraction and finding small things to control can be so helpful.
I hope you’re doing ok today, or as ok as can be expected considering ❤️
My employer and my coworkers are really great. I promised my closest coworkers that once the main things are done (so the trial and appeal, and at least 99% of paperwork) I'll invite them to a restaurant. That's the minimum I can do.
As far as I can be, I'm okay. The nightmares get less and less frequent by now. I still have some issues which might last forever, but given what happened and what I had to see that's more a nuisance than anything else, and I'm working on these issues as well.
It sounds like you have a fantastic support system around you. I hope things continue to get better for you, and I wish you the very best for the future!
Thank you!!
Wow.
You seem to have handled an unimaginably difficult and painful situation with an enviable level of maturity. Were you anywhere near as composed/sensible during that time as it sounds written down months later?
For whatever it's worth, please accept my condolences.
Thank you.
In the first weeks and months I was desperate. However I think I was still quite sensible and composed, yes. Like on the day of the crime I was interrogated for hours at the police. They offered me to stop anytime, they'd have called a doctor, and I could have continued a different day. But I realized they were sitting in front of an empty sheet, and everything I could say right now might help them. I wasn't treated as as suspect (although I was a potential suspect of course, after all it was me who they met at the crime scene), but as a witness.
The talking to the insurance company I mentioned was on the day after the murder. I just walked in, said my name and saw every head turning to me. After I left the insurance I walked over to the bank. Same thing again - just saying my name was enough. Apparently I had an account authorisation (which I had totally forgotten) which was valid beyond death, so the banks were allowed to talk to me. That's how I got account statements less than 24 hours after the murder. Finished there, I went to the doctor to organize therapy - within three days I got a place. Normally this takes weeks to months, but I beelined all queues as everyone wanted to help. We live in a rural area where this just never happens, and everyone knew my mother, so my surname was like an all-round priority card for everything.
Maybe being sensible / composed doesn't fit entirely. Back then I said that I function. I knew I'd have a breakdown one day, I knew I was functioning just from the shock, so I tried to get as much done as possible before I'd collapse. The first days I rarely slept more than two-three hours. After all, two short bursts of rage and once fainting aside I didn't have a breakdown yet luckily. Police actually played a big part in my mental health: They needed less than two weeks to arrest a strong suspect (who was given a life sentence later on, but the appeal is ongoing). This was an important boost to our morale. Another boost to my morale was that I realized I did everything right after I found her. Like I was quick-witted enough to realize what must have happened. So I didn't try to revive her (and mess up traces in the process), but ran away (getting out of sight!!) a few meters (evading the traces of the fight I recognized, again not messing around with traces) before calling police. So I disturbed the scene as little as possible by a good reaction. And over the months, when the puzzle pieces came together I slowly realized how much I had done right in the crucial hours and weeks after the murder, which in turn helped my confidence.
I think, generally I was in a good place to deal with this, as stupid as it may sound: I have an office job. So dealing with authorities and a shitton of paperwork is everyday life for me, also quick reading / skimming documents to check the important part. They all said that I'm "over-organized" all these years. But this skill helped tremendously in that situation, in turn giving me some control about it. I have a wonderful partner and great close friends and generally I was in a good situation in life. So it didn't hit someone desperate who struggles to make ends meet while being a foreigner in the country. But of course, I was fighting tears for weeks, and until the suspect was arrested I feared for my own life. So it wasn't easy going or so, but I wanted to do something, and I found ways to do something, if this makes any sense.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. That's an impossible responsibility to be thrusted into for such a devastating situation, and I truly hope every day gets better than the last for you. I shake my head in disbelief that some other family members weren't as supportive as they should've been. But I also hope that you continue to find that love, care and support where you need it alongside your personal acceptance.
Thank you very much. Given the circumstances I got many things right in hindsight, hell I even was confident enough when the chief judge accidentially confused my name with the surname of the murderer three times on trial. Poor judge melted on his chair when I corrected his error.
Well, as I coined it towards the therapist, I lost two family members that day. That was horrific originally given we are a small family, but by now I rationalized it into one of the word documents I mentioned - in this case I have a list of ties I still have to cut before there's no reason to ever talk again with each other.
I'm a bit shocked I didn't mention that I quickly got support by a charity for victims of severe crimes (my partner's idea to reach out to them, but afterwards police asked me several times if I was in contact to them as well). They helped me with the legal jungle, and more importantly they organized a lawyer who said to me that he has never defended a murderer, but will always only accept clients who fell victims, otherwise he couldn't look at himself in the mirror anymore. This lawyer turned out to be a gem. My partner and me had to fight a chuckle when he gave his final
pleabollocking in court. Bonus points, this lawyer is paid for by the state given the severeness of the crime, so there was no financial risk for me.Well, stoicism has, uh, some baggage in terms of internet gurus, but one thing that's always helped me is the idea of the "stoic gods" or the "stoic games". When a challenging, or frustrating situation comes up, reframe it as if there were metaphorical gods that are challenging you with this situation, where your win condition is to the best with what you have.
It's nice to reframe things in terms of what you can reasonably accomplish. When you play a video game, for instance, you don't fixate on what's objectively happening in the world in terms of your own sense of accomplishment. If you're playing half life, you don't feel frustrated when Gordon is continually thwarted from escaping, you feel frustrated when you die in a level or miss a shot. When you finish the game, you don't feel sad that Gordon was kidnapped by G-Man, you feel satisfied because you beat the game - what happens in the narrative is out of your control, after all.
Obviously it's impossible, and probably not healthy, to have that level of detachment from the actual world, but it's equally true that things that out of your control, are out of your control, and there's no good that comes from beating yourself up for things that you can't control.
Like most addicts, I just recite the Serenity Prayer (despite not being religious)
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
It’s almost becoming cliche at this point, but, have you looked into therapy?
I used to go to therapy a few years back (pre-pandemic). It helped immensely through that period of my life. I think about going back to it often now, but am having difficulty making that step. There's a part of me that would feel like a failure if I returned to therapy - as if the previous years of sessions weren't as effective in the long run and that I should be able to withstand crisis on my own by now. But I know that's an incomplete and problematic perspective.
A short-term therapeutic intervention can be very helpful during a personal crisis independent of your history with therapy (I did this after my brother's suicide). A trained counselor has a variety of tools that can get you to a better, safer place pretty quickly. I hope you reconsider.
I can just encourage you to do so. I don't think it's a failure returning to therapy, but it shows that you don't brush your problems off but see and understand that you need another boost. Maybe to put it this way: Just because I changed my oil last year and got new tires this year doesn't mean I won't have to do it again some day.
I think it's a good sign that you realize you need help - as you'll agree, many fail at this step.
Yeah I used to think that. Seeking help and conversation is a stronger move in the long run than trying to withstand on your own. Seeking care for a broken bone isn’t seen as a failure, seeking help for broken emotional state shouldn’t be seen as such either.
I do like the way you framed this. A good reminder that mental health is at its core health. Which means it can flux just like the rest of our physical health can, whether it's acute like a broken bone or chronic like asthma where regular check-ins are needed.
Yep! I’m asthmatic, I carry an inhaler everywhere. That doesn’t make me weaker, i still play sports, bike hundreds of miles a month, etc. We all need support, in different ways for different things.
I say my thing to myself: "The universe is cruel and unfair. I can choose not to be."
Other than therapy and medication, someone in another thread recently mentioned absurdism in a comment and I looked it up. The philosophy really resonated with me. It's not particularly uplifting, but it does make life make sense in a way that is somewhat comforting.
I've also been micro-dosing magic mushrooms and going for hikes, and find it a healthy way to process my thoughts and emotions.
Funnily enough, I love absurdism and that was a core philosophy I had embraced and would often reference around 2017. I was certainly less anxious then with fewer negative coping habits. But I think a lot of that mystery and freedom dissappeared once I got a “professional” job and then, of course, the pandemic and ensuing political turmoils.
Pick a mantra.
Something simple, just a short phrase or two that you go to and repeat incessantly to down out the overthinking the minute you feel it starting. It's a way to regain control over your own thoughts.
Listening to music has always been a great solace for me, there are thousands of songs for any occasion and it comforts me to know that other people have gone through it and are sharing their tale.
I'm also a feather in the wind kind of person, it's easy for me to not worry about things I have to control over and that allows me to pour my energy into things I can.
A Ride - Amanda Palmer (if you want a song to try)
It took a situation so obviously beyond my control that even I had to admit it. I was able to give myself permission to let go, something I hadn't realized I needed to do.
Once I'd done it once, I could do it again. It wasn't suddenly effortless or something that came on command, but every time it's a little bit easier to do. It's definitely easier for me with physical circumstances than emotional ones.
I'm currently in my mid-20s and in the last year I got diagnosed with dysthymia/persistent depressive disorder despite, in retrospect, literally never remembering a time "before" I was depressed. It really upended my understanding of the world, the assumed experiences of others, and my sense of place in this world. I started getting stuck in thought spirals all the time that were centered around the idea of what I "should" be doing or feeling until I couldn't think about anything else besides the thoughts I was trying to ignore. Naturally, you never spend more time thinking about something than you do trying not to think about it.
I think the biggest thing that helped me is accepting that I don't have to do anything I "should" and as long as I could keep going I was already doing everything I "should" which is getting through it. At the end of the day, the only way forward is through and on my worst days all I can tell myself is at least I got through it. The phrasing of your post suggests that you're explicitly looking to ignore/distract yourself from the issue which I haven't really figured out for myself yet, but I think it's helpful to be reminded that when you can't do anything about the situation the only thing you can do is keep going.
Rather than focusing on how to forget about it, I try to focus on what would make me feel better until I can do something about it. It's like the idea on planes that you need to help yourself before you can help others and in a sense taking care of yourself is the only thing you can do in a bad situation. Especially at my worst, simple tasks like making sure I was eating were outside my capabilities, but it turns out eating pizza 3 times a week is better than starving. Instead of beating myself up for not eating better, I tried focusing on the fact that at least I was eating. Doing good enough is infinitely better than doing nothing and the standard of "good enough" slowly rises as you either acclimate to the situation or you manage to gather yourself enough to raise the standard yourself. Overall, I think giving myself grace to not be okay and focusing on doing the bare minimum makes me feel like I'm doing something even if I can't do anything about the problem itself.
Perhaps this sounds silly, but I accept that it's out of my control.
Anxiety and worry are useful tools: they encourage you to anticipate dangerous situations, to re-evaluate the situation, to judge whether you need to do anything to avoid a potentially dangerous situation or to get out of one.
This is useful for things that are in your control. Worried about an upcoming exam? Well, good. That means you should study more. Worried about leaving your baby at home alone for a couple of hours? Well, good. That means you probably shouldn't.
These are things you can control. I'm currently waiting in an airport, about to board a plane. I don't like take-off; it sets me on edge. I worry about the jostling and the bumps. But, ultimately, it's out of my control. There are no actions I can take (aside from reading the safety leaflet) that can mitigate the danger or get me out of it, so I have no other choice but to accept it.
I've also found that time passes way slower when you're kakking your pants, so I try to focus on a book or downloaded TV show.
I like Pema Chodren, specifically her book When Things Fall Apart. she suggests the feeling of groundlessness, where bearings are useless and control non exostent, is actually a state of freedom. One tool she suggests that helps me relax when groundlessness seems threatening: tonlen meditation. I breathe in the fear/grief/pain of all those in a situation like mine, and breathe out compassion for us all.
Like you, I often feel very tempted to try to distract myself with video games - but, maybe also like you, I nearly always find that afterwards I feel worse. Doing something physically engaging always ends up helping me more. Exercise is the best, but even something manual like cooking can often help.
I find that if my body is moving, it's much easier for my brain to work things out.
Waiting is the worst. I don’t know what the situation is with your brother, but I hope it turns out for the best.
I have very little control over my life. I suffer from chronic pain and a variety of chronic illnesses, and I have no idea how I’m going to feel day to day, or even hour to hour at times. I have become pretty good at distracting myself: an audiobook and one of my crafting hobbies, or music and something that requires a bit more thinking.
When I’m feeling truly overwhelmed tho, like I’ve gotten unexpected news or something like that, I shut myself away and I research. I read everything I can find on whatever the problem is. It might not change the outcome, but at least I don’t have to wait for someone else to tell me what the options or possibilities are. Knowledge is power.
Do what I can when I can, give myself time to process, and escape, via video games, shows, music, work, whatever. Distracting yourself from tragedy is perfectly healthy if done responsibly, as it can give you time away and allow you to process the situation with a clearer mind.
I went to school when my grandpa died, we were getting back in contact. I figured I have a life to live, he would want me to study, and it gave me emotional distance to process. I didn't cry for any of my grandparents as we weren't close, but my grandpa hit hard. So I meditated on it on my way to sleep, or in idle time throughout the day, but I let me get lost in fun stuff or schoolwork to get away from it.
Try audiobooks if you can listen while working.