What makes a person alluring to you?
What makes a person alluring or attractive to you? I don't necessarily mean the things you look for in a life partner. Rather, what qualities and attributes make someone seem interesting, charming, charismatic in a social situation and make you want to engage with them? Or maybe not even engage with them (because many have social anxieties, of course) but make you feel like you wish you could engage with them. This can mean simply talking to them, wanting to befriend them or join them in conversation, or it could even mean feeling the primal desire to be romantic with them. Not necessarily "what turns you on" in a preference sort of way, but more base and reactionary. Are there qualities that some people possess that you just can't ignore? What makes a person someone you can't help but gravitate toward?
I just want to clarify that I don't necessarily mean this is a romantic sense. I'd love to hear what makes you feel attracted to others in a romantic way, but I also mean in a purely platonic way too. Is there something about a person that makes you feel like you want to know them better?
I've noticed that people who really dig deep into their hobby or their art of choice definitely attract me. It doesn't really matter what hobby or what art (be it painting, music, writing etc.), but the attraction definitely gets stronger the closer the other person is to my hobbies. For example, I play instruments myself, so I often feel attracted to really good musicians, especially soloists, because I just know the amount of hard work and dedication that had to go into playing this good and I think it's this kind of commitment that attracts me.
Passion is attractive. It's sort of corollary to confidence because passion often bleeds into it in a way that automatically makes one confident in their enjoyment of something.
I don't think I'm too far out on a limb if I say that confidence is seen as an attractive trait by most people.
I absolutely love people who are completely silent and always hang around in the background of any social situation, but every couple of months/years they open their mouth to drop the most hilarious joke or most insightful statement you've heard in ages. It's always a good idea to get to know those people.
This was me in high school. I was very quiet, very polite and rarely swore. It took a while for me to open up to people, so only a few of my friends knew me well.
One of my favorite memories was from a summer I worked at a renaissance faire in the 90's and I was 16 years old. It was a few minutes before the faire was about to open and I had to run back to our office area to get something for my stand. When I walked in one of my friends and our manager were talking. I grabbed what I needed, turned around and my friend out of no where ask me how to spell 'menage a trois". I just rattled it off without a beat and walked out. I can't remember if I ever asked my friend what it was about, but I assume it was probably a discussion about how I wasn't that sweet and innocent.
Interesting this is mostly me (withholding judgement on insight or comedic aptitude).
I prefer people who are social lubricators. My best friends and the majority of my partners have been people who are good at facilitating a conversation within a group as a whole, bringing up accessible topics of discussion, etc. My role is usually preparing food, helping with dishes, and being in the group but with enough space that people will sidebar with me to discuss their life, things on their mind, etc. I'm much more comfortable one-on-one than in a group.
Found me! xD
Their smile.
This is a bit of a complicated subject for me, and people usually take it the wrong way because it's very hard to put into words. I find it difficult to find people who aren't "alluring" to me so long as they take care of themselves - that is, don't look like an absolute mess. Of course I have some preferences and some hard dislikes, but honestly throughout my life it's been difficult for me to talk about attraction with my friends because I find a certain charm in almost everyone. Maybe it's because I'm pan.
That said, personality goes a long way, and as soon as someone is rude and/or generally a bad person I find myself utterly incapable of being attracted to them.
Oh hey. It's the same for me too. I just commented:
You said it in a way more eloquent manner than I did.
I'm pretty solidly heterosexual, but definitely know what you mean about not being able to chat about attraction with friends. If someone is happy and not a horrible person (and, frankly, that second one is not crucial for me), I probably see real beauty in them. That's separate from sexual attraction, but alluring and gorgeous, definitely.
Their smile, their eyes. They themselves being a big 'nerd' about whatever they like. Someone who is a homebody.
Sense of humour but I appreciate people with a quick wit more so. I feel they keep me on my toes and don't make life dull. And having such folks around gives me perspective when I am all doom and gloom. I always hope I am doing the same for them in some capacity.
The initial interest to get to know someone usally piques the most when they seem like they know why they are there (in that hypothetical social situation or place you mention). Might sound a little odd: why wouldn't anyone know why they are where they are? They aren't there to find someones approval, to show off, to find validation, to find stuff to pass time, instead you can find them geniuinely enjoying themselves in the situation or place. That "yeah in this moment I am supposed to be exactly here right" vibe.
Bubbly positive personality.
I realized very recently that part of what I find alluring is the impression of danger. I need a woman to be a little bit scary to find her really sexy. Like my wife, who bites me at random.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, since I've actually been feeling pretty good. I've always been bad at having personal tastes for anything, so its something I actually have to think about. I think the biggest one is being responsible for themselves, mainly in an emotional sense. I've been in way too many relationships where the other person expected me to endlessly dump emotional support in their bottomless pit of a heart. Honestly, anyone actually treating me like an equal would go real far.
The people I’ve found to be the best company are those aware of life beyond their own bubble. I just see them as deeper, more worldly and see more possibilities with those kinds of people.
For people in the more privileged part of the globe, where I live, it’s a bit dull to me to be unaware of that privilege, who is out of the loop and what our own role in that is.
The first time I saw this was years ago (early 90s). I was taking to someone who I mostly knew for enjoying their wine, but when I asked about what they were spending their time in lately they were actually researching a political prisoner so they could do some campaigning to increase pressure on those responsible. It was the most “alive” thing spoken about that night and opened up my mind a lot.
Another time (late 90’s), someone told me about what Nestlé were up to in Africa. It was the first time I connected myself (via my buying habits) to what was happening.
It works in reverse too somehow. People I’ve had the most fun with often turn out to be very conscious of how their actions and spending impacts others and minorities.
Can you be more specific? If you see a woman in a social situation that you want to chat up, what specifically about her makes you feel that way? Her hair is a certain style? The way she laughs with her friends? You won't know her interests before you talk to her, so is there something specific about her being that draws you toward her?
Half my life ago I would have given a very philosophical answer to this.
I've since come to realise that every single time I've had this happen, they also have clear signs of either ADHD, high functioning autism, or both.
Most often, people haven't been diagnosed and have been unaware of this themselves at the time I met them. So they couldn't have told me about it and influenced my interest that way.
Almost all of them got their diagnosis as adults after I got to know them. Including myself. I also didn't know of my ADHD at those times.
But I recognize that particular kind of presentation and "same wavelength vibe" these days. I'm sure there are people with these diagnoses that don't trigger that magnetic interest...
But yeah. Similar type of neuro divergence makes someone very interesting and easy to approach.