I'm really tired of trying to be understanding to my right-winger friends

It must be serious if you cannot identify the country. Maybe try to leave. No point in working for the benefit of such people.

Maybe it's not as extreme here in the US

I have found that there are certain folks who, while I value them on some level, I just don't connect with enough to stay my natural tendency to drift away.

There are others, who might be characterized as 'more redeemable' or 'less extreme' who I can (do) just avoid contentious topics with.

Finally, there's one guy who I don't align with very much, but have an open enough dialogue to call out the bullshit regularly, and even accept when some BS on my part is pointed out.

Because their fascists, learn fascism and you will understand. It's hard to think of our friends and families this way, but that is how fascism works. It's likely going to get worse before it gets better.

But the one great shocking occasion, when tens or hundreds or thousands will join with you, never comes. That’s the difficulty. If the last and worst act of the whole regime had come immediately after the first and smallest, thousands, yes, millions would have been sufficiently shocked—if, let us say, the gassing of the Jews in ’43 had come immediately after the ‘German Firm’ stickers on the windows of non-Jewish shops in ’33. But of course this isn’t the way it happens. In between come all the hundreds of little steps, some of them imperceptible, each of them preparing you not to be shocked by the next. Step C is not so much worse than Step B, and, if you did not make a stand at Step B, why should you at Step C? And so on to Step D.
And one day, too late, your principles, if you were ever sensible of them, all rush in upon you. The burden of self-deception has grown too heavy, and some minor incident, in my case my little boy, hardly more than a baby, saying ‘Jewish swine,’ collapses it all at once, and you see that everything, everything, has changed and changed completely under your nose. The world you live in—your nation, your people—is not the world you were born in at all. The forms are all there, all untouched, all reassuring, the houses, the shops, the jobs, the mealtimes, the visits, the concerts, the cinema, the holidays. But the spirit, which you never noticed because you made the lifelong mistake of identifying it with the forms, is changed. Now you live in a world of hate and fear, and the people who hate and fear do not even know it themselves; when everyone is transformed, no one is transformed. Now you live in a system which rules without responsibility even to God. The system itself could not have intended this in the beginning, but in order to sustain itself it was compelled to go all the way.

Milton Sanford Mayer

• They Thought They Were Free: The Germans 1933-45

I'm ruthless when it comes to people I think are holding me back or restrictive but that's only after decades of putting up with it.

Now, I'm outgoing, conversational and interesting so I don't fear not making new friends (at any age) so that won't restrict me.

So, if someone starts expressing toxic shithead beliefs or is just generally not going to be conducive to me and those around me being our best selves then I'm going to have words, straight up and if they continue to insist on being regressive then I have no compunction about being the one to handle it.

Sometimes you have to just separate the wheat from the chaff as they say. You seem like a good person, don't get held back by fuckheads. Don't fear the unknown, or being alone for a time. You'll find better people who care more and in doing so will allow you to continue to grow even more so into what you want to become and that in turn will help you affect change around you making the world better.

<3

Maybe how you feel is how right wing people feel in America: every TV show seemingly has LBGT+ representation, there's visible minorities in government, kids are taught to treat everyone with respect ("even if they're [slur]"), and try as they might to avoid topics they come up and they realise they are isolated and despised minorities. That's probably why when loudmouth angry powerful figures come on stage and said no, no you're right and we're actually the silent majority (or else we ought to be and we'll make it so), it's very alluring.

That sounds really terrible to live where you do. Is moving really out of the question? Because what about if you wanted to find a partner or have children-- they'd grow up in that culture. Or even just life long friends to share deeper values and celebrate human milestones together....

I heard of culture described this way: if you and I are little slime molds, and we're placed on a petri dish where any time we try to expand, the growing medium available to us don't provide any nutrients, and maybe even burn our tissues, restrict our growth and otherwise not provide right conditions to thrive.....that's a bad culture.

You've grown, you've learned lots by putting in effort. They're not gonna grow because learning and stretching is uncomfortable. As you all age, they're probably going to get worse.

I guess maybe aside from my conmiseration, my suggestion is to keep looking. Try the universities in your country? Professional and international sectors? Where do the expats to your country hang out? English learning schools? Niche hobbies that are "Western" and more imported? Alternatively seek out LGBT communities if they exist in safety?

You're not alone on an international level: there are so many young people, young women in particular living in China who are dedicating their resources to only one goal: run（ 润 ）

I'm deeply sympathetic to this problem, particularly as someone who is very conflict-averse.

But as to the bewilderment as to how conservatives can believe what they believe, I recently read Why We're Polarized by Ezra Klein and I thought it was very elucidating. The focus is on American politics and culture, but I still thought this section, where he's discussing Dan M. Kahan's “Making Climate-Science Communication Evidence-Based—All the Way Down” from Culture, Politics and Climate Change (February 13, 2013), is very relevant:

Imagine what would happen to, say, Sean Hannity if he decided tomorrow that climate change was the central threat facing the planet. Initially, his viewers would think he was joking. But soon, they’d begin calling in furiously. Some would organize a boycott of his program. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of professional climate skeptics would begin angrily refuting Hannity’s new crusade. Many of Hannity’s friends in the conservative media world would back away from him, and some would seek advantage by denouncing him. Politicians he respects would be furious at his betrayal of the cause. He would lose friendships, viewers, and money. He could ultimately lose his job. And along the way he would cause himself immense personal pain as he systematically alienated his closest political and professional allies. The world would have to update its understanding of who Sean Hannity is and what he believes, and so, too, would Sean Hannity. Changing your identity is a psychologically and socially brutal process.

Kahan doesn’t find it strange that we react to threatening information by mobilizing our intellectual artillery to destroy it. He thinks it’s strange that we would expect rational people to do anything else. “Nothing any ordinary member of the public personally believes about the existence, causes, or likely consequences of global warming will affect the risk that climate change poses to her, or to anyone or anything she cares about,” Kahan writes. “However, if she forms the wrong position on climate change relative to the one [held by] people with whom she has a close affinity—and on whose high regard and support she depends on in myriad ways in her daily life—she could suffer extremely unpleasant consequences, from shunning to the loss of employment.” The reality, he concludes, is that “the cost to her of making a mistake on the science is zero,” but “the cost of being out of synch with her peers potentially catastrophic,” making it “individually rational” to put group dynamics first when thinking about issues like climate change.²⁴

Kahan calls this theory “identity-protective cognition”: “As a way of avoiding dissonance and estrangement from valued groups, individuals subconsciously resist factual information that threatens their defining values.” Elsewhere, he puts it even more pithily: “What we believe about the facts,” he writes, “tells us who we are.” And the most important psychological imperative most of us have in a given day is protecting our idea of who we are and our relationships with the people we trust and love.

So, the point is, all of those right-wing people you know likely identify with their political affiliation. Thus, they will subscribe to those worldviews even if they are so obviously abhorrent because it protects their (political) sense of identity. Changing their minds on, for example, women's rights would be a threat to their identity and their membership in their social circles.

Another good book on this topic is How Minds Change: The Surprising Science of Belief, Opinion, and Persuasion by David McRaney. One of the recurring topics in the book is how so many Americans ended up dramatically changing their perspective on gay marriage. It went from something that a very large number of people were against to something that an equally large number of people were in support of in a relatively short time. Perhaps you might find some small amount of hope in that…? Your country isn't necessarily doomed to be trapped in backward social attitudes forever. I know it's not much.

The book also talks about how people end up leaving toxic groups like the Westboro Baptist Church. One of the key things that affects the people in those groups is that they are afraid to think different things for fear of being ostracized by their groups and being socially isolated. Ezra Klein talks about this, too. It's a very real concern, so it's understandable why you would have it. We are a social species and very few of us are comfortable being ostracized by all of our family and our peers. The same thing that you are afraid of — losing your social circle — is probably motivating, on some level, the people you are finding it harder and harder to get along with. For you, it seems to be motivating you to self-censor, for others, it leads them to practice motivated cognition to continue to subscribe to these gross worldviews you are (understandably) having trouble ignoring.

I wish I had a solution to that. But I have a very small social circle and I am an American liberal living in the Portland, Oregon metro area! Clearly, I don't really have much wisdom to share when it comes to maintaining a healthy social life even in easier circumstances.

yeah. It's frustrating to realize that if those you try to keep up some kind of relationsship with, if they had more power, you'd be killed off. And it make it feel kind of fake pretending to have a relationship, when deep down you're on different teams, and that's all there is to it.

Still, I can recommend the book "How to Have Impossible conversations" The authors are quite right-wing, but even with that, this is pretty much The Bible on how to talk to people you disagree with.

Lost my best friend to trump. He would constantly argue with me back at him. the friendship wasn't sustainable after he traveled across the country to go to the Jan 6th insurrection.

I told him he was a traitor, but that wasn't before he sent me video of him being there. He called me hurtful names in response. I never turned him in.

we havent talked since. this was someone i knew for a good part of 26 years

Working within the framework that you don't intend to leave and don't want to be socially isolated, here are a few things to consider that maybe will help:

One is that, if you're like a lot of people and were raised by the internet, your concept of the political spectrum and what it means to be left-wing/liberal and right-wing/conservative is probably heavily influenced by the anglosphere and especially the US. It's common in many places to be economically left-wing/egalitarian and socially conservative, so it may be a source of respite to connect with people on that basis for instance.

Second is that understanding and sincerely engaging with the religious tradition of your culture may allow you to have more substantive conversations with your conservative friends and to eventually convince them to change their attitudes toward certain groups of people. They may not come to outright accept gay people, for instance, but they may become less hostile or cartoonishly evil in their sentiments.

Sounds like you don't have much choice. It is what it is. Humans are social animals; cutting them off and living in isolation is a worse choice for you. It's not really worth it.

Just make do with what you have. Try to avoid topics where their opinions clash against your ethics.

It is lonely when you outgrow the people in your life.

I sympathize, but don't have a silver bullet. I've learned to manage the depth of personal interactions I have and channel things appropriately. I have a small number of close friends, and a larger more topical social circle.

For folks suggesting that you take an outspoken and principled stand in conversations, my response is that it is easier said than done. Making yourself a target of ridicule to 90% of the people around you is a hard road to hoe and can make you a target of violence.

Instead, I suggest you learn how to channel your deeper thoughts to closer friends, and learn how to articulate your positions in subtle ways that can spur individuals to consider what they said without confrontation, that can strike a balance between feeling like you are capitulating and not picking fights.

For example, in a conversation where someone made a remark about trans people, I replied along the lines of not knowing how other people feel, but that I accept how they feel is real to them and can see in the lifestyle and medical change they pursue that they are experiencing something very real to them. The goal being to redirect towards a line of sympathy without starting a fight.

As far as understanding people, I suggest reading. Books are a great perspective taking technology. I suggest reading about things that explore humanity, good and bad, to understand the influences that mold the people around you. I suggest books like: man's search for meaning, the forgotten Highlander, a day in the life of Ivan denisovich, contemporary economic articles on wealth disparity, thinking fast and slow, the better angels of our nature, articles about the development of ethics and those who subscribe to external value systems vs those who develop their own, etc.

Here's an example of the perspective creating contemporary journalism I suggest you look for that covers topics relevant to your county.

https://www.propublica.org/article/revenge-of-the-forgotten-class.

She came from a staunch Democratic family and had voted for Barack Obama in 2008, before not voting in 2012 because, she said, she was away on one of her long-term jobs. She was a single mother with three grown daughters. She had experienced all manner of sexual discrimination and harassment on very male-heavy worksites over the years.

She was, in other words, as tailor-made a supporter as one could find for Clinton, a self-professed fighter for the average Jane who was running to become the first woman president.

And yet St. Martin was leaning toward Trump.

Her explanation for this was halting but vehement, spoken with pauses and in bursts. She was disappointed in Obama after having voted for him. “I don’t like the Obama persona, his public appearance and demeanor,” she said. “I wanted people like me to be cared about. People don’t realize there’s nothing without a blue-collar worker.” She regretted that she did not have a deeper grasp of public affairs. “No one that’s voting knows all the facts,” she said. “It’s a shame. They keep us so fucking busy and poor that we don’t have the time.”

I don't think it is necessary to find sympathy for everyone on the right. Many of them are simply lacking empathy for anyone different from them. Others are molded by misfortune and their circumstance. Learning to identify them helps determine how much you engage with them.

I hope that helps.

I had a somewhat similar experience. I grew up in a cult-like environemnt, and my friend group/family sounds pretty similar to how you describe your social circle. When I was 19, I basically ran away from home on a song and a prayer and pretty much cut contact with everyone I'd been friends with as a kid, and went low contact with my mom. I did the relationship equivalent of not just burning the bridge, but demolishing it with high explosives lmao.

It was hard. I felt alone and adrift. I didn't know how to make new friends, or even really be a person, but I also didn't feel like I could be friends with the people I'd been friends with before. I'd grown too far apart from them idealogically and we didn't have anything in common anymore other than some shared childhood trauma lol

I'm still pretty much a loner, and I've never really gotten back to having those super close friendships that I had as a kid/teenager. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed, but then I look at the person I was vs the person I am now and I think I made the right choice.

but, I don't think there's any shame in not making that choice, y'know? I eventually ended up getting back in touch with someone I've known since we were toddlers, and while I went full communist queer when I got out, they could at best be described as "a bit liberal". But unlike me, they have a huge family who are all tied into that culture/environment, so for them, cutting ties would mean not only losing friends but their whole entire family. So...they can't do that. And thats ok.

I think really at the end of the day it depends on what is more important to you. Are you willing to clamp down some of yourself in order to maintain your social ties? I wasn't. My friend is. Neither one's really better or worse, it's all down to what you're willing to keep or let go of, in my opinion.

whatever you decide, I hope it goes well for you, and that you find (or keep) friends who are willing to genuinely listen to and accept you. <3

I totally understand where you are coming from. It's become harder and harder for me to tolerate bigotry, and there were many people in my high school that were very right leaning that only leaned more into it as we got older. I've had a few friends that they went too far down that rabbit hole for my tastes and I just slowly stopped talking to them.

I've been very fortunate that many of the friends I've made throughout my adult life share similar political beliefs as me so I don't have that friction. There are several friends that I have that are conservative, but we generally don't talk politics and when we do it's very surface level stuff.

I think the best thing for you to do is try to find communities in your area that share your beliefs. You mentioned that you're in a very right-wing country, but you're not right-wing. So there must be other people that share your beliefs. I was considering moving to a pretty conservative part of the country and found people online connecting for the explicit intention of building local communities of like-minded individuals, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.

The one thing I will say, is that loneliness can be tough. If you can find friends that you click with better, ease into them and slowly ease out of your other friends. Don't burn bridges unless you have to.

I came to prioritize connections over shared perspective, because I have seen those connections create/facilitate changes in perspectives which led to results I wanted. I think they can do that because a lot of people (where I am, can't speak for everyone) do not arrive at their political positions by way of interrogating beliefs, researching policy and outcomes, etc. They're not actually very interested in any of that. More often than not, I see people just sort of drifting from thing to thing because what they're after is not really a coherent political perspective/position, it's things like friendship, material security, identity, validation, etc. Bet your ass organizations and parties understand these dynamics, so I try to understand as best I can their movements and tactics. Day to day, I focus on the people I actually deal with, and try to understand them better so I can judge who might be worth the time and effort of trying to alleviate some of these needs in the hope the connection formed will be more important to them than the facsimile of community their politics provides. I don't pretend to agree nor to care about agreeing, because I don't on both counts. When they come to see that yes, in fact, I do care about them, it establishes a kind of trust that can push past the differences, and now we're in territory where left and right don't matter as much. There comes to be a concept of "us" which is more important than "that", if that makes any sense. It is through those moments I can get some shred of what I myself want to see, which is a world where you're free to figure shit out and be who you like to be.

In other words, it is near certain some of the people around you are not nearly as interested in politics but appear to be because they're using politics to accomplish stuff politics is not really designed to fulfill. If you can figure out who is doing that, it's with those people you might find the beginnings of a connection which you can then cultivate and grow into something meaningful by providing some measure of fulfillment for those "non-political" needs/wants/etc. If you do that, over time you might see the more disagreeable parts of their perspective fall away or become impotent, and that's one less person out there to worry about on top of (hopefully) a new friend. The important thing is to draw your lines, decide what you will and will not engage with, who is worth that effort and who is not. Personally, I put family pretty high up there, so I was willing to give them more than the usual effort. I hope at least some of what I wrote can be helpful to you.

You seem to have realized you can't change your friends. That's an unfortunate reality, but it's an important step in figuring out what comes next. Do you want to keep that specific group of friends, despite your ideological differences? Do you want left-wing friends who agree with your politics? Do you want both?

Either way, I would start looking for new friends. Don't dump the old friends just yet, but actively seek out new friendships that are better (per whatever criteria you choose) than your existing ones. Don't mix the friend groups. Once you have a second established group of "better" friends, it's likely that you will naturally drift away from the old group over time as you start hanging out with your new friends more. With some more active involvement, you can either accelerate the separation or you can maintain those old relationships (your choice), but if you do nothing, you'll eventually separate anyway.