Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2021)

I’ve been sort of swinging between feeling alright and feeling pretty shitty as of late. I’ve been living on campus at my university since fall, and it’s been extremely lonely. I’m a freshman, and have made zero friends so far because it’s impossible to meet people due to the pandemic. Only 15% or so of people are on-campus and everything’s online anyways.

I’m trying to be as responsible as possible, and almost every time I look at snapchat, I see stories from my friends back home going to maskless parties in cramped dorm rooms and it makes me incredibly angry. My grandfather died earlier in January, and I wasn’t able to visit him in the hospital because of COVID. I never got to say goodbye, in part due to selfish people going out and partying.

But at the same time, I’m jealous of the social lives they’re getting to enjoy. College is supposed to be a fun experience, and it looks like I’m gonna be spending a sizable chunk of it with zero social life, with no end in sight. I know that my problems are insignificant compared to what a lot of people in this country are going through; I don’t have to worry about money right now and I do have people to reach out to.

My girlfriend lives about 4 hours away, and I may visit her for a bit. I just don’t want to be a disease vector, so I’m not sure if it’s a good idea yet. We have COVID tests on campus with a 1-day turnaround, but even still, I’m not sure if it would be responsible to visit.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to go on walks, exercise, and take care of myself. But it can be difficult to muster the energy to get up and shower or go on a walk sometimes. I was pretty depressed a couple years ago, and my mental health was finally getting better during my senior year of high school before the pandemic hit. I think I’m better equipped to handle this kind of situation now because of it, but it’s just frustrating. I would schedule appointments with the psychological services at my school, but they have really long wait times right now and I know that others need it more than I do.

I just want things back to normal at this point, honestly.

I finally talked to a psychiatrist who specializes in alcohol use disorder last week and i am starting with naltrexone and the sinclair method.

I hope everything goes smooth.

Honestly the only way I can think to describe how I'm feeling at this point is "done" and "tired". I'm just done with everything. I guess with the phrasing of that I should state up front that I'm not a risk to myself or others.

• I'm just done with isolation. I'm a person who thrives on social interactions and is use to striking up conversations with everyone on multiple floors of our office. Now I'm nearly completely isolated other than my fiancee. I love my partner more than anything in the world but talking to the same person who already knows you so deeply vs shooting the shit about hockey with the guy wearing a hockey jersey at his desk are just very different things. I just miss all the small interactions like meeting new people while waiting for the bus. Which leads me to..

• I'm so fucking exhausted of trying to get my coworkers to want to interact. Nearly everyone on my team has 0 interest in ever having a conversation that isn't about work, despite saying otherwise. Why do I keep planning team lunches every other week (the cadence and time of day they all said worked best and all said they were thankful someone was planning something social) for me to sit alone in a bluejeans call for 30 fucking minutes. Why fucking bother planning short happy hours right after we all get off to just chat and have a drink (alcoholic or not!) together for half an hour when it just ends up being me and one other person. Why the fuck would I make a gather.town like someone suggested when no one else gives a fuck about the effort and time and energy and how shitty it makes me feel to put so much energy into talking to people to make the events into what THEY SAY THEY ACTIVELY WANT SOMEONE TO PLAN and have no one show up and just feel rejected time and time again. Why am I sitting alone on my couch at 7pm listening to my partner laugh their ass off and enjoy their 3rd happy hour of 2021 with their coworkers. I'm not mad at them for going to the events or anything, I'm just bitter that they get the exact response from their coworkers that I crave from mine. I'm just fucking done with it.

• I'm done trying to do my job right. Fuck it. I don't care anymore. I'll write shit code. I'll skip unit tests. README.md? Never met him. Confluence? What's that, an online university? Every time I try and get us to do something right I'm fighting a fucking uphill battle. And there aren't business or technological reasons why we do things wrong other than the fucking dev teams just will not fucking work with us! Why the fuck am I spending hours trying to automate the tasks you hate and don't want to think about if you're just going to constantly shit on me and complain. We've got servers running Centos5, we have servers broken beyond repair that all they need is a simple reboot to fix and have an uptime of 700 days because someone decided to put production code in the dev environment with no redundancy and if the server goes offline you're whole team is fucked and we lose money. Fucking, why am I chancing around threads on Jira and slack to figure out who to go ask if I can do ____ when I know they're just going to say no cus they always fucking say no until it breaks on the weekend and all of a sudden the fact that I took 10 minutes to respond to the pager because I was in the shower is unacceptable. Fuck you, I'm done.

• I'm done settling on working on products I don't give a shit about in tech stacks I don't care about because the money is good and I liked the team members I met.

• I'm just done with my extended family who still don't understand why the LGBTQIA+ members of the family don't want to come to family events where most everyone is a die-hard trumper and refuse to reflect on why their kids and talking to them less and less. Also, independent of their shitty political beliefs, maybe y'all could stop guilting us for not coming to Christmas DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC TO STAY WITH OUR COUSIN WHO HAS 3 KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF 5, ONE OF WHICH IS LIKE... SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 11-15 MONTHS OLD I DON'T REMEMBER TIME IS FAKE.

• I'm just done with the US as a whole. Like. in all aspects. Not even just because our government sucks ass or I look at the entirety of my countries history with a mixture of disdain and disgust. I'm not naive, I know all countries have their bad pasts. Just like, on a fundamental level whenever I ask someone "What would you say defines American culture" whatever their response is I just don't resonate with it at all. I don't really want to move to another country because I don't want to be the person who runs from their problems instead of trying to improve things. I've just been trying to improve things so hard and just keep getting the legs swept out from under me. I'm just... so fucking exhausted.

• I'm sick of not sleeping or eating! Here I am! On my laptop at 11:11pm typing this out after 2 hours laying in bed trying to sleep while eating my first meal of the day cus I just haven't been hungry, and my last meal before that was breakfast Monday, before that was breakfast Sunday. Fucking... I just want to feel things other than a weight in my chest and numbness.

• I'm fucking tired of my ADHD and depression! I'm so done with the thought of texting someone sounding like an insurmountable amount of energy. I'm tired of just forgetting to fucking do things that I was asked to do 30 seconds ago. I tired of fighting against myself to focus on the words coming out of my partners. I'm tired of trying ADHD meds and them not working, or the only one that did work made me focus so much I forgot to eat for days and couldn't sleep at night. So basically right now except worse. I'm done feeling like a failure every day because I struggle to do anything at my job because I can't focus on it.

• I'm so done with not seeing my friends! I don't feel like I need to elaborate on this more!!

• I'm so done with myself and my lack of interests or desire to do anything. I know it is the depression, but knowing the source doesn't make it suck any less. I never have anything I want to do so I just end up rewatching the same tv shows I've seen 1000 times because the amount of energy it would take to focus on a new show might as well be 9000. And I'm tired of going to bed feeling shitty because I don't feel like I did anything because I rarely get enough done at work to feel good about myself and I never do anything I enjoy after work so it just feels like I've wasted another day of my life that I'll never get back. Also, it'd just be dope to have things I like to do again.

• I'm sick of being myself and existing online! One of the few things that I occasionally enjoy is playing Legends Of Runeterra, a ccg. But none of my friends play so I end up on the LoR subreddit if I want to talk to anyone about the game. Which is mostly a great community. But as with all communities, there's always got to be people that just needlessly shit on people or are mean to people for no reason, and that just makes me feel bad. And then, since I have poor impulse control, I end up getting in fights with people on the internet about them being dicks which just makes me frustrated because I know I'm a hypocrite and the arguments sucks any enjoyment I had for the game and my day away.

• I'm so exhausted with trying to balance my relationship with weed. Like, I know its super unhealthy, which is why I'm on a break, but like, I'm so done with my daily decisions after work being "Ok so do I want to smoke weed tonight and feel mildly happy or do we want to stay sober and just feel depressed and like shit." Its just like, yeah. Smoking makes that comedy stand up just a bit funnier, makes the animation of the movie just that little bit more awe-inspiring, just makes doing the dishes go from unbearable to tolerable. On the one hand, I don't smoke during work, it doesn't impact my relationships with my friends and my partner (I have point blank asked the people I trust most if they think I have a problem and they all think I'm fine, included 2 recovering addicts), etc. I'm just fuckin depressed and smoking makes it that little bit better. But in the back of my mind I'm never going to be able to get rid of the voice that tells me I'm nothing more than the caricature of a drop-out deadbeat stoner from every fear-based anti-drug campaign who just fell face-first into a "respectable" "career" instead of a "job" that's not supposed to be what you do for your life (which like, that whole hierarchy of respectability in the workforce is a whole fucking different can of worms that I'm fucking done with but that's a different day).

• I'm tired of knowing homeownership in the only place in the US I'd want to live is never going to be an option because its just not affordable (based on our research, a shitty 2 bed 2 bath fixer-upper will cost us about $700,000)

• I'm tired of knowing all this and knowing it's not going to change.

Edit: fuck it. Why not add one more thing to the pile

• I’m fucking done trying to be a better person and a better partner! That sounds bad so let me explain. The things I love most about myself are that above all I want to help other and make other people’s day and lives better. Especially my partner whom I love more than anyone else in this world. But look at that fuckin list up there ^^^^^^ . I try every day to do something to brighten someone’s day and I try every day to do one small thing to make myself better for my partner. So when I say I’m done with it I don’t mean I’m not going to ever try to be better ever again. But at some point it’s just like. I’m so fucking tired and depressed dude. The world is on fire. Everything seems terrible. How the hell am I supposed to try and be better? I want to, but some days it’s just so fucking hard. And I don’t view helping others or being nice as a currency where I expect to be repaid for everything I do, but it would be nice if anyone other than my fiancée would give me the same treatment, even just for one day.

Edit edit: I’ll add a semi-positive note to this but I’m in a bad mood so it’s going to be a semi-positive semi-spiteful joke. We got hit by a blizzard the other day, which is great because if it’s going to be fucking freezing I’d at least like it to be pretty outside. Snow might be the dandruff scratched off satan’s ass hair and it might suck ass to shovel but at least it looks better than gray and slush.

pandemic fine - noun - a state of being in which you are employed and healthy during a pandemic but you're also tired and depressed and feel like trash all the time

I'm pandemic fine.

I think my current wave of depression is largely caused by Seattle opening up "phase 2" activities like indoor dining, in the same week that the first cases of the B.1.1.7 variant were confirmed here. I was holding out hope that as bad as covid is and has been nationally, the local government here was fairly sane and would handle the crisis well. Those hopes are gone, along with any hope that we'd see an end to the pandemic anytime soon. I'm already mentally writing off 2021 as a lost year of my life, in much the same way 2020 was.

But, I'm not sick, have a job I'm able to do 100% remotely (and is compassionate enough to not put a ton of pressure on me or my coworkers to keep our productivity at normal levels). It could be a lot worse.

I am........here.

That's pretty much the only way I can describe how I feel mentally. I get up, go to work, come home, game for a couple hours, go to bed, wake up, do it all over again. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm just there.

I'm not sure why, to be honest. I was feeling like this even before the pandemic but the pandemic has certainly exacerbated my issues.

Part of it is my living situation. I live with my dad and girlfriend. It was meant to be a short, temporary situation but job changes kept us hanging around. Eventually, my dad offered to sell me the house because him and his girlfriend are somewhat serious and thinking of moving in together. So it didn't make sense to leave, at that point. Better to stay there and save. Unfortunately, my dad is a right wing nut job who watches Fox News every night and drinks until he falls asleep in his chair before I wake him up 3 or 4 times to go to bed. Every chance he gets, he likes to bring up some Fox News talking point, probably from Carlson or Hannity despite my best efforts to educate him on their overall propaganda bullshit angles. He doesn't care. "Thank you Joe Fucking Biden" is his new favorite catchphrase. I spend all my time in my room avoiding him because I'm just so done with it all. I'm so done with politics, I'm so done with listening to how this party is good or that party is bad as if either one of them care about me at all. They don't. I vote Democrat because they at least pretend to care about people. Some of them, I legitimately believe they do. I'm so tired of him calling me his "smart son" and dismissing everything I say that's against his own beliefs.

The issues extend to my girlfriend, as well. We've been together for 12 years. Living together for 8 or 9. When we got together, I was vehemently anti marriage and anti children. As our relationship progressed, my mind began to change. I wasn't completely on the marriage with kids wagon but I was more open to it. I was considering it. After some time, I was more on board with it and told her that, when I could afford to buy her a house, that's when we could married. I wasn't going to ask her parents permission(for the sake of tradition) while I was renting out a room from my dad's house. And I'd come around somewhat on the kid front. I told her that, while I didn't NEED children, I was growing fonder of the idea of a mini me. Someone that I could teach baseball to. Teach the knuckleball. Share in the love of camping and Star Wars and science fiction and Lord of the Rings.

However, the last few years have altered my mentality dramatically. For starters, I became a 911 dispatcher. And I genuinely like it. Sure, there's a lot of bullshit that goes with it. A lot of callers that simply refuse to act like adults and handle their business. They want PD to fix everything for them.

But there's nothing quite like the high of knowing you did something that mattered. CPR instructions to panicked family member and knowing that those instructions gave the patient a fighting chance. Or maybe even they survive. Some times, it doesn't always work out. But occasionally, all the bullshit is worth knowing that you actually did something that mattered.

Unfortunately, there came an unintended side effect.

I don't think I want kids anymore.

Many of our most common complaints are custody disputes. But we've got a fair few frequent flyers. Kids who are constantly running afoul of my officers. Constantly running away. Oppositional Defiance Disorder causing numerous family violence and domestic problems.

It's killed much of my desire to have children of my own. Do I think it's because I might have one of these children? Maybe. But some of it......is just the sheer lack of desire to add that level of stress in my life. My job is stressful as it is. I like my home life to be where I can go to relax. Put on the Tron: Legacy soundtrack and veg out. It's weird......as I've grown older, I've come to realize that I think I'd rather be The Dude from The Big Lebowski or Alan from Grandma's Boy. No responsibilities than their bare minimum. Man children? Maybe. But they're happy.

I have 2 nephews, as it is, a third on the way, and my best friends son, of whom I'm the godfather. I think the idea of being the crazy uncle is far more appealing to me than being "Dad". Everything I can do as a dad, I can do as an uncle and get the advantage of giving them back at the end of the day.

But if I decide on this, once and for all, that's the game for me and my girlfriend. She's dead set on having at least one child. She wants to be "mommy". She's so dedicated to the idea that she's freely admitted that she still wants a kid even knowing that it wasn't something I needed and something I really wasn't fully committed to.

It's all constantly weighing on me. My dad and his toxicity. Feeling trapped in the house because the intent was to buy it but with shifting goals, I'm not certain I want to anymore. Feeling somewhat trapped in a relationship because I know what the endgame is if I make certain decisions. I'm tired of the specter of parenthood crushing me down long before I've even become a parent. It no longer feels like something I want to do but something I'm expected to do regardless of desire.

I'm not suicidal. I have no desire to end my life. I'm not even sure I'd qualify as depressed. I don't feel sad.

I just feel....stuck....like I need to hit a reset button that isn't there.

I apologize for writing so much.

Life is just a constant zero-sum triangle with 3 sides:

Shitty Father
Shitty Employee
Complete Exhaustion

Moving the situation away from any one thing inexorably makes the other two worse. I took a shower for 15 minutes before I had to go to a Zoom meeting. It felt great, but I probably won't get to take another one for 4-5 days. I'm married to a hoarder, who is even more depressed than I am and deals with it by hoarding more and more shit; which creates piles of shit; which leads to more depression. Kids at least seem happy, I'm just worried about the effects of so much screen time that we have no other choice but to give them because without it everything would go to shit even harder.

But I'm not sick, I have a job that I actually like and I get to spend more time with my kids. So yeah... pandemic fine, I guess.

I am absolutely not ok at all. covid is a real struggle and I'm barely keeping my head above water

I'm really spending a lot of time thinking about gender which I normally don't, not a good thing.

I'm just tired and feeling completely sapped of motivation now that I'm back from parental leave. I got 4 weeks from my employer + 1 extra week and some holidays since our daughter was born the week before Christmas. I know most men get nothing here in the US, but 5 weeks still isn't enough.

It could be worse though. At least I have my wife and daughter in the next room to love on when I take breaks during the day. I get to see them much more than I got to see my son when I went back to work after he was born a few years ago. And back then, I only had 2 weeks off.

Kinda OK I guess, a bit in the middle. Main issues:

• Since August 2019 I've had derealization so I'm constantly stuck in a sort of weird, foggy feeling and everything just feels like I'm living on a "power save" mode so to say. I don't even know how normal feels anymore and my anxiety is higher than ever. A particularly gnarly side effect of this are intrusive thoughts and I've struggled with various topics since November 2019, including nihilism, deconstruction, pessimism, nondualism, postmodernism, etc, and these type of thoughts completed mess me up when I give them too much attention, though I've tackled some by now. Buddhism and nondualism are the worst nowadays. Anyhow I do feel like I'm slowly going nuts and I don't know what's true or not true anymore and everything's so surreal.

• I've been more isolated than ever and I'm like indoors 24/7 for the most part. I'm an introvert and have pretty bad social anxiety, but even I am kinda starting to want to go out more. I also find it harder and harder to go outside (not just because of social anxiety though, also another more esoteric oddity), it's like my social anxiety is aging like milk. I don't think I've had any friends since 2018 either, it's mainly now just me and my parents, and I talk a lot with my cousin digitally who I'm super close to.

• My anxiety in general latches on hard to negativity, so when I for example see someone online proclaim things like "life is suffering", or a philosopher coming up with a theory that it's better to never have been born, or that everything is an illusion, etc, particularly the whole non-self stuff is triggering, I freak out internally and have a very hard time letting go of these thoughts and start worrying if they're secretly right even if I don't actually think they are. Usually I spend a lot of time looking up counterarguments online and those help.

Aside from that, I do have an extreme love for things like gaming and anime so I don't get bored or anything like I notice a lot of people are, but I'd definitely like to switch things up since I feel like I'm in some sort of psychological horror story now with all the unsettling intrusive thoughts and stuff.

It has been a rough 48 hours.

The ability to post in these types of threads when I get really down keeps my head above the water. Usually long enough to eventually find my way back to shore.

But it's fucking scary, every time it happens. Right now my brain space really resembles those crude "you piece of shit" inner monologue cartoons from Bojack.

I'm ok? Life keeps going on with its small joys and losses even inside the bubble of life possible during a pandemic. I worry about money, as always. I play with the dog, who continues to be a delight. I dream of a future where I might get to interact with people outside my house without a level of physical dread. Even if I'm handling the day to day ok, and have never really taken full advantage of all the amazing things nearby, I liked knowing that if I wanted to I could go to museums or shows or or or or... I'm just tired of the pandemic, but I keep on keeping on because the other option is slip into depression and denial and have by business fall apart. Fortunately I have lots of experience keeping things moving even when my mental health is bad.

I switched to a new therapist last week. I already think this one will be much better than the last! I have a second and much longer session scheduled for Friday.

This morning fueled my hatred for the management company of my apartment complex. In a period where people are working from home and kids are doing virtual learning, the management company in their infinite wisdom decided to hire a contractor to renovate an apartment next to me. It woke us up and affected our jobs because we work from home. It was so bad that we missed work because of the noise.

There was no prior notice. At all. The lady at the front desk yelled at me and my boyfriend and told us that they don’t have to give notice. They go by the city ordinance.

I’m counting down the days we move.