29 votes

Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2021)

This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.

41 comments

  1. ducc
    (edited )
    Link
    I’ve been sort of swinging between feeling alright and feeling pretty shitty as of late. I’ve been living on campus at my university since fall, and it’s been extremely lonely. I’m a freshman, and...

    I’ve been sort of swinging between feeling alright and feeling pretty shitty as of late. I’ve been living on campus at my university since fall, and it’s been extremely lonely. I’m a freshman, and have made zero friends so far because it’s impossible to meet people due to the pandemic. Only 15% or so of people are on-campus and everything’s online anyways.

    I’m trying to be as responsible as possible, and almost every time I look at snapchat, I see stories from my friends back home going to maskless parties in cramped dorm rooms and it makes me incredibly angry. My grandfather died earlier in January, and I wasn’t able to visit him in the hospital because of COVID. I never got to say goodbye, in part due to selfish people going out and partying.

    But at the same time, I’m jealous of the social lives they’re getting to enjoy. College is supposed to be a fun experience, and it looks like I’m gonna be spending a sizable chunk of it with zero social life, with no end in sight. I know that my problems are insignificant compared to what a lot of people in this country are going through; I don’t have to worry about money right now and I do have people to reach out to.

    My girlfriend lives about 4 hours away, and I may visit her for a bit. I just don’t want to be a disease vector, so I’m not sure if it’s a good idea yet. We have COVID tests on campus with a 1-day turnaround, but even still, I’m not sure if it would be responsible to visit.

    In the meantime, I’ve been trying to go on walks, exercise, and take care of myself. But it can be difficult to muster the energy to get up and shower or go on a walk sometimes. I was pretty depressed a couple years ago, and my mental health was finally getting better during my senior year of high school before the pandemic hit. I think I’m better equipped to handle this kind of situation now because of it, but it’s just frustrating. I would schedule appointments with the psychological services at my school, but they have really long wait times right now and I know that others need it more than I do.

    I just want things back to normal at this point, honestly.

    20 votes
  2. [11]
    crdpa
    (edited )
    Link
    I finally talked to a psychiatrist who specializes in alcohol use disorder last week and i am starting with naltrexone and the sinclair method. I hope everything goes smooth.

    I finally talked to a psychiatrist who specializes in alcohol use disorder last week and i am starting with naltrexone and the sinclair method.

    I hope everything goes smooth.

    14 votes
    1. [4]
      smores
      (edited )
      Link Parent
      That’s wonderful. I’m so hopeful that we can collectively improve the way we talk about, diagnose, and treat alcohol use disorder and other substance use disorders. Do you mind if I ask roughly...

      That’s wonderful. I’m so hopeful that we can collectively improve the way we talk about, diagnose, and treat alcohol use disorder and other substance use disorders.

      Do you mind if I ask roughly where in the world you live, and how you found someone specializing in the Sinclair method?

      Either way, I’m happy and hopeful for you!

      6 votes
      1. [3]
        crdpa
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        I live in Brazil and i found only one via google in the entire country. The appointment was online using video chat. Naltrexone and the Sinclair Method exists for years. I don't really know why...

        I live in Brazil and i found only one via google in the entire country. The appointment was online using video chat.

        Naltrexone and the Sinclair Method exists for years. I don't really know why people don't talk about it.

        I mean, i have an idea, because every time i try (online) people dismiss it because there is a dogma that "alcoholism is forever and abstinence is the only way". I know saying this doesn't help, but it feels like talking with cultists.

        Try mentioning naltrexone on /r/stopdrinking and wait for the ban.

        5 votes
        1. smores
          Link Parent
          That's fucked up; I'm glad you managed to find someone. And you're spot on with the abstinence dogma; Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12-step program have just absolutely ruined all dialogue about...

          That's fucked up; I'm glad you managed to find someone. And you're spot on with the abstinence dogma; Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12-step program have just absolutely ruined all dialogue about substance use disorders for the last hundred years across most of the world.

          5 votes
        2. teaearlgraycold
          Link Parent
          Misery loves company on reddit. I saw a discussion the other day where the hivemind unanimously decided that people that use sex toys must have some kind of mental disorder. I think the idea was...

          Try mentioning naltrexone on /r/stopdrinking and wait for the ban.

          Misery loves company on reddit.

          I saw a discussion the other day where the hivemind unanimously decided that people that use sex toys must have some kind of mental disorder. I think the idea was that they might provide too much pleasure to their users, and people seeking that pleasure are addicted to it.

          3 votes
    2. [3]
      Icarus
      Link Parent
      Good luck! My SO started the Sinclair Method ~2 years ago with great success after repeated failed attempts at traditional sobriety practices. It has been a journey but the progress made over that...

      Good luck!

      My SO started the Sinclair Method ~2 years ago with great success after repeated failed attempts at traditional sobriety practices. It has been a journey but the progress made over that period of time has been incredible. She went from struggling with intense cravings every few months (at best) to now not feeling cravings for the better part of the year. If you have any questions, feel free to message me or ask, and I can try to get an answer for you.

      Is your psychiatrist helping with the treatment? She got prescribed naltrexone from a psychiatrist but did the sinclair method on her own.

      4 votes
      1. [2]
        crdpa
        Link Parent
        Yes. He uses the sinclair method. I will have a follow up in three months. Did she experienced nausea or any side effects? I didn't take the pill yet because i didn't drink since i got it, but i...

        Yes. He uses the sinclair method. I will have a follow up in three months.

        Did she experienced nausea or any side effects? I didn't take the pill yet because i didn't drink since i got it, but i probably will today. I'm thinking of starting with half since a lot of people recommend it to get used to.

        1 vote
        1. Icarus
          Link Parent
          Definitely experiences nausea every time she takes it. Sometimes nausea occurs immediately after drinking, but most often a day or two after is when she experiences hangover-like symptoms despite...

          Definitely experiences nausea every time she takes it. Sometimes nausea occurs immediately after drinking, but most often a day or two after is when she experiences hangover-like symptoms despite only drinking regardless of the amount consumed. I think headaches and general fatigue are pretty common with her too the day after.

          It can be a bit of a hassle and it can contribute to the desire to drink without the naltrexone, but whatever you do, don't drink without taking it.

          3 votes
    3. [2]
      teaearlgraycold
      Link Parent
      Does that technique work with binge eating as well? If so that could have a huge impact on society.

      Does that technique work with binge eating as well? If so that could have a huge impact on society.

      4 votes
      1. crdpa
        Link Parent
        It appears that it has an impact on binge eating as well. I didn't look too much into it, but i recall finding some research out there.

        It appears that it has an impact on binge eating as well. I didn't look too much into it, but i recall finding some research out there.

        3 votes
  3. [6]
    Micycle_the_Bichael
    (edited )
    Link
    Honestly the only way I can think to describe how I'm feeling at this point is "done" and "tired". I'm just done with everything. I guess with the phrasing of that I should state up front that I'm...

    Honestly the only way I can think to describe how I'm feeling at this point is "done" and "tired". I'm just done with everything. I guess with the phrasing of that I should state up front that I'm not a risk to myself or others.

    • I'm just done with isolation. I'm a person who thrives on social interactions and is use to striking up conversations with everyone on multiple floors of our office. Now I'm nearly completely isolated other than my fiancee. I love my partner more than anything in the world but talking to the same person who already knows you so deeply vs shooting the shit about hockey with the guy wearing a hockey jersey at his desk are just very different things. I just miss all the small interactions like meeting new people while waiting for the bus. Which leads me to..

    • I'm so fucking exhausted of trying to get my coworkers to want to interact. Nearly everyone on my team has 0 interest in ever having a conversation that isn't about work, despite saying otherwise. Why do I keep planning team lunches every other week (the cadence and time of day they all said worked best and all said they were thankful someone was planning something social) for me to sit alone in a bluejeans call for 30 fucking minutes. Why fucking bother planning short happy hours right after we all get off to just chat and have a drink (alcoholic or not!) together for half an hour when it just ends up being me and one other person. Why the fuck would I make a gather.town like someone suggested when no one else gives a fuck about the effort and time and energy and how shitty it makes me feel to put so much energy into talking to people to make the events into what THEY SAY THEY ACTIVELY WANT SOMEONE TO PLAN and have no one show up and just feel rejected time and time again. Why am I sitting alone on my couch at 7pm listening to my partner laugh their ass off and enjoy their 3rd happy hour of 2021 with their coworkers. I'm not mad at them for going to the events or anything, I'm just bitter that they get the exact response from their coworkers that I crave from mine. I'm just fucking done with it.

    • I'm done trying to do my job right. Fuck it. I don't care anymore. I'll write shit code. I'll skip unit tests. README.md? Never met him. Confluence? What's that, an online university? Every time I try and get us to do something right I'm fighting a fucking uphill battle. And there aren't business or technological reasons why we do things wrong other than the fucking dev teams just will not fucking work with us! Why the fuck am I spending hours trying to automate the tasks you hate and don't want to think about if you're just going to constantly shit on me and complain. We've got servers running Centos5, we have servers broken beyond repair that all they need is a simple reboot to fix and have an uptime of 700 days because someone decided to put production code in the dev environment with no redundancy and if the server goes offline you're whole team is fucked and we lose money. Fucking, why am I chancing around threads on Jira and slack to figure out who to go ask if I can do ____ when I know they're just going to say no cus they always fucking say no until it breaks on the weekend and all of a sudden the fact that I took 10 minutes to respond to the pager because I was in the shower is unacceptable. Fuck you, I'm done.

    • I'm done settling on working on products I don't give a shit about in tech stacks I don't care about because the money is good and I liked the team members I met.

    • I'm just done with my extended family who still don't understand why the LGBTQIA+ members of the family don't want to come to family events where most everyone is a die-hard trumper and refuse to reflect on why their kids and talking to them less and less. Also, independent of their shitty political beliefs, maybe y'all could stop guilting us for not coming to Christmas DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC TO STAY WITH OUR COUSIN WHO HAS 3 KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF 5, ONE OF WHICH IS LIKE... SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 11-15 MONTHS OLD I DON'T REMEMBER TIME IS FAKE.

    • I'm just done with the US as a whole. Like. in all aspects. Not even just because our government sucks ass or I look at the entirety of my countries history with a mixture of disdain and disgust. I'm not naive, I know all countries have their bad pasts. Just like, on a fundamental level whenever I ask someone "What would you say defines American culture" whatever their response is I just don't resonate with it at all. I don't really want to move to another country because I don't want to be the person who runs from their problems instead of trying to improve things. I've just been trying to improve things so hard and just keep getting the legs swept out from under me. I'm just... so fucking exhausted.

    • I'm sick of not sleeping or eating! Here I am! On my laptop at 11:11pm typing this out after 2 hours laying in bed trying to sleep while eating my first meal of the day cus I just haven't been hungry, and my last meal before that was breakfast Monday, before that was breakfast Sunday. Fucking... I just want to feel things other than a weight in my chest and numbness.

    • I'm fucking tired of my ADHD and depression! I'm so done with the thought of texting someone sounding like an insurmountable amount of energy. I'm tired of just forgetting to fucking do things that I was asked to do 30 seconds ago. I tired of fighting against myself to focus on the words coming out of my partners. I'm tired of trying ADHD meds and them not working, or the only one that did work made me focus so much I forgot to eat for days and couldn't sleep at night. So basically right now except worse. I'm done feeling like a failure every day because I struggle to do anything at my job because I can't focus on it.

    • I'm so done with not seeing my friends! I don't feel like I need to elaborate on this more!!

    • I'm so done with myself and my lack of interests or desire to do anything. I know it is the depression, but knowing the source doesn't make it suck any less. I never have anything I want to do so I just end up rewatching the same tv shows I've seen 1000 times because the amount of energy it would take to focus on a new show might as well be 9000. And I'm tired of going to bed feeling shitty because I don't feel like I did anything because I rarely get enough done at work to feel good about myself and I never do anything I enjoy after work so it just feels like I've wasted another day of my life that I'll never get back. Also, it'd just be dope to have things I like to do again.

    • I'm sick of being myself and existing online! One of the few things that I occasionally enjoy is playing Legends Of Runeterra, a ccg. But none of my friends play so I end up on the LoR subreddit if I want to talk to anyone about the game. Which is mostly a great community. But as with all communities, there's always got to be people that just needlessly shit on people or are mean to people for no reason, and that just makes me feel bad. And then, since I have poor impulse control, I end up getting in fights with people on the internet about them being dicks which just makes me frustrated because I know I'm a hypocrite and the arguments sucks any enjoyment I had for the game and my day away.

    • I'm so exhausted with trying to balance my relationship with weed. Like, I know its super unhealthy, which is why I'm on a break, but like, I'm so done with my daily decisions after work being "Ok so do I want to smoke weed tonight and feel mildly happy or do we want to stay sober and just feel depressed and like shit." Its just like, yeah. Smoking makes that comedy stand up just a bit funnier, makes the animation of the movie just that little bit more awe-inspiring, just makes doing the dishes go from unbearable to tolerable. On the one hand, I don't smoke during work, it doesn't impact my relationships with my friends and my partner (I have point blank asked the people I trust most if they think I have a problem and they all think I'm fine, included 2 recovering addicts), etc. I'm just fuckin depressed and smoking makes it that little bit better. But in the back of my mind I'm never going to be able to get rid of the voice that tells me I'm nothing more than the caricature of a drop-out deadbeat stoner from every fear-based anti-drug campaign who just fell face-first into a "respectable" "career" instead of a "job" that's not supposed to be what you do for your life (which like, that whole hierarchy of respectability in the workforce is a whole fucking different can of worms that I'm fucking done with but that's a different day).

    • I'm tired of knowing homeownership in the only place in the US I'd want to live is never going to be an option because its just not affordable (based on our research, a shitty 2 bed 2 bath fixer-upper will cost us about $700,000)

    • I'm tired of knowing all this and knowing it's not going to change.

    Edit: fuck it. Why not add one more thing to the pile

    • I’m fucking done trying to be a better person and a better partner! That sounds bad so let me explain. The things I love most about myself are that above all I want to help other and make other people’s day and lives better. Especially my partner whom I love more than anyone else in this world. But look at that fuckin list up there ^^^^^^ . I try every day to do something to brighten someone’s day and I try every day to do one small thing to make myself better for my partner. So when I say I’m done with it I don’t mean I’m not going to ever try to be better ever again. But at some point it’s just like. I’m so fucking tired and depressed dude. The world is on fire. Everything seems terrible. How the hell am I supposed to try and be better? I want to, but some days it’s just so fucking hard. And I don’t view helping others or being nice as a currency where I expect to be repaid for everything I do, but it would be nice if anyone other than my fiancée would give me the same treatment, even just for one day.

    Edit edit: I’ll add a semi-positive note to this but I’m in a bad mood so it’s going to be a semi-positive semi-spiteful joke. We got hit by a blizzard the other day, which is great because if it’s going to be fucking freezing I’d at least like it to be pretty outside. Snow might be the dandruff scratched off satan’s ass hair and it might suck ass to shovel but at least it looks better than gray and slush.

    13 votes
    1. [4]
      kfwyre
      Link Parent
      I cried some good tears when I read your post because as much as the situation sucks, it’s genuinely nice to know that someone else out there is as done as I am right now. I don’t have any magical...

      I cried some good tears when I read your post because as much as the situation sucks, it’s genuinely nice to know that someone else out there is as done as I am right now.

      I don’t have any magical right thing to say to you right now to help you out. I wish I did, but I also recognize those depths and know that I can’t say anything that will resolve things for you. Instead, I simply want you to know that you are seen and you are heard and what you chose to express here was not lost on the wind but felt deeply in the heart of another. What you’re going through is real, and I know it well.

      You are not alone. That’s what I want you to know right now.

      7 votes
      1. [3]
        Micycle_the_Bichael
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts in post, more in depth in linked article. Thank you. It does make me feel better to know others are out there feeling the same. Something I'll share for others...

        TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts in post, more in depth in linked article.

        Thank you. It does make me feel better to know others are out there feeling the same.

        Something I'll share for others that has been helping me a bit is two songs from the same album with v different vibes but still helpful.

        • 4 da kidz by Kid Cudi from MOTMIII. Cudi is generally most known for being one of the earliest rappers to be vulnerable and talk about their struggles with mental health. He specifically made this song for anyone who is feeling depressed or alone. Not sure why it would feel incredibly relatable right now....

        • Lovin' Me by Kid Cudi ft Phoebe Bridgers from MOTHMIII. [TW] From my understanding, this is the song Cudi wrote to represent how he felt when he first started to feel hopeful after going to rehab because he knew if he didn't he'd commit suicide(completely separately, reading what he posted on twitter is so aggressively relatable I cry every time I try to read it). It's a hopeful song of him trying to deal with his anxiety and depression and coming to terms with who he is. There's also aspects of the song that are definitely conversations with God. Just want to put that out there before anyone commits to the song because I know some people have very strong (and usually very valid) negative feelings about religion. Idk, I listen to it and its one of the few things that makes me actually believe all this shit is temporary and I will feel better again someday.

        6 votes
        1. Gaywallet
          Link Parent
          I don't have much to say other than to also say same, mood, and offer what little comfort may lie in my shared experience. Also, it's okay to have some compassion for yourself, and to check out...

          Thank you. It does make me feel better to know others are out there feeling the same.

          I don't have much to say other than to also say same, mood, and offer what little comfort may lie in my shared experience. Also, it's okay to have some compassion for yourself, and to check out for a little. If you need to be selfish to go back to being a good person in the future, you deserve the right to do so and taking that choice rather than burning yourself out and becoming a martyr should be celebrated.

          6 votes
        2. kfwyre
          Link Parent
          Thanks for sharing these. I love the Phoebe Bridgers collab. I’ll offer one up as well: Brother Ali’s “Us”. It’s the closer to his album of the same name (which is fantastic). I like it for how it...

          Thanks for sharing these. I love the Phoebe Bridgers collab.

          I’ll offer one up as well: Brother Ali’s “Us”. It’s the closer to his album of the same name (which is fantastic). I like it for how it reminds us of our commonality and how we all “look the same”: fear, faith, compassion, and pain.

          2 votes
    2. Amarok
      Link Parent
      I'm genuinely curious, see if music helps. That's always my go-to when I'm in this frame of mind. Everyone's tastes are different. For myself I listen to music with positive messaging, something...

      I'm genuinely curious, see if music helps. That's always my go-to when I'm in this frame of mind.

      Everyone's tastes are different. For myself I listen to music with positive messaging, something that reminds me how I want to be feeling rather than I am feeling.

      3 votes
  4. [3]
    spit-evil-olive-tips
    Link
    I'm pandemic fine. I think my current wave of depression is largely caused by Seattle opening up "phase 2" activities like indoor dining, in the same week that the first cases of the B.1.1.7...

    pandemic fine - noun - a state of being in which you are employed and healthy during a pandemic but you're also tired and depressed and feel like trash all the time

    I'm pandemic fine.

    I think my current wave of depression is largely caused by Seattle opening up "phase 2" activities like indoor dining, in the same week that the first cases of the B.1.1.7 variant were confirmed here. I was holding out hope that as bad as covid is and has been nationally, the local government here was fairly sane and would handle the crisis well. Those hopes are gone, along with any hope that we'd see an end to the pandemic anytime soon. I'm already mentally writing off 2021 as a lost year of my life, in much the same way 2020 was.

    But, I'm not sick, have a job I'm able to do 100% remotely (and is compassionate enough to not put a ton of pressure on me or my coworkers to keep our productivity at normal levels). It could be a lot worse.

    12 votes
    1. Adys
      Link Parent
      Yikes yeah. I'm pandemic fine as well. But I wouldn't be so pessimistic about 2021. The vaccines will do an immense amount of the work. I know, it's easy to say "vaccines are here, everything's...

      Yikes yeah. I'm pandemic fine as well.

      But I wouldn't be so pessimistic about 2021. The vaccines will do an immense amount of the work.

      I know, it's easy to say "vaccines are here, everything's fixed". Obviously it's not that easy, but I believe a lot of people underestimate how much easier things are when most of the at-risk population is vaccinated (which for most countries is happening by end of february-march).

      Removing (most of) the problematic cases from the equation makes it much easier to keep things open. Let's remember that if you're not in an at-risk group, the chances of being severely negatively impacted by COVID are low (and I say this as someone who's lost a healthy friend to it).

      I'll offer you the other extreme: Belgium has been locked down for months, and quite pointlessly so. We're not locked down "enough" to make a severe dent in the cases, so we're roughly holding steady alongside other EU countries. But we're locked down enough for it to have a severe impact on the mental health of the population here.

      I am at the point where I'd rather be in the US. The US and the UK may have severely mishandled the pandemic the first year, but they are vaccinating people very quickly (or at least, acceptably quickly. Israel seems to be the only nation taking vaccination seriously). And I need a fucking break from things being closed. I've gained almost 5kg back from a mix of depression and the ice rinks being closed. Dating here is impossible. Board game meetups are impossible. The only reprieve i get from this is the (completely illegal, btw) 4-person weekly board game meetups I have at my place with my three friends. And we have to schedule sleepovers because they can't leave after 9.30pm ish otherwise.

      I've seen a fairly obvious divide between my american friends who tend to be on the side of "I want things to be more locked down", versus my european (and especially belgian) friends who are absolutely fucking sick of being locked down. My personal take on this is that the US has made its bed, has royally fucked up year 1 and it'll have to deal with the consequences, but most of the immediate negative impact from that is behind and the fact is, between vaccination rampup and the % of recovered patients, you guys will have a much easier time dealing with it now than … well, here for one.

      Yesterday, France vaccinated 26k people. Fucking hurrah. Meanwhile the UK vaccinated 600k people the same day. Those two countries have the same population.

      5 votes
    2. Amarok
      Link Parent
      Hah, I'm not even pandemic fine anymore. Cold and tired, waiting for the snow to melt.

      Hah, I'm not even pandemic fine anymore. Cold and tired, waiting for the snow to melt.

      3 votes
  5. [4]
    Ellimist
    Link
    I am........here. That's pretty much the only way I can describe how I feel mentally. I get up, go to work, come home, game for a couple hours, go to bed, wake up, do it all over again. I'm not...

    I am........here.

    That's pretty much the only way I can describe how I feel mentally. I get up, go to work, come home, game for a couple hours, go to bed, wake up, do it all over again. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm just there.

    I'm not sure why, to be honest. I was feeling like this even before the pandemic but the pandemic has certainly exacerbated my issues.

    Part of it is my living situation. I live with my dad and girlfriend. It was meant to be a short, temporary situation but job changes kept us hanging around. Eventually, my dad offered to sell me the house because him and his girlfriend are somewhat serious and thinking of moving in together. So it didn't make sense to leave, at that point. Better to stay there and save. Unfortunately, my dad is a right wing nut job who watches Fox News every night and drinks until he falls asleep in his chair before I wake him up 3 or 4 times to go to bed. Every chance he gets, he likes to bring up some Fox News talking point, probably from Carlson or Hannity despite my best efforts to educate him on their overall propaganda bullshit angles. He doesn't care. "Thank you Joe Fucking Biden" is his new favorite catchphrase. I spend all my time in my room avoiding him because I'm just so done with it all. I'm so done with politics, I'm so done with listening to how this party is good or that party is bad as if either one of them care about me at all. They don't. I vote Democrat because they at least pretend to care about people. Some of them, I legitimately believe they do. I'm so tired of him calling me his "smart son" and dismissing everything I say that's against his own beliefs.

    The issues extend to my girlfriend, as well. We've been together for 12 years. Living together for 8 or 9. When we got together, I was vehemently anti marriage and anti children. As our relationship progressed, my mind began to change. I wasn't completely on the marriage with kids wagon but I was more open to it. I was considering it. After some time, I was more on board with it and told her that, when I could afford to buy her a house, that's when we could married. I wasn't going to ask her parents permission(for the sake of tradition) while I was renting out a room from my dad's house. And I'd come around somewhat on the kid front. I told her that, while I didn't NEED children, I was growing fonder of the idea of a mini me. Someone that I could teach baseball to. Teach the knuckleball. Share in the love of camping and Star Wars and science fiction and Lord of the Rings.

    However, the last few years have altered my mentality dramatically. For starters, I became a 911 dispatcher. And I genuinely like it. Sure, there's a lot of bullshit that goes with it. A lot of callers that simply refuse to act like adults and handle their business. They want PD to fix everything for them.

    But there's nothing quite like the high of knowing you did something that mattered. CPR instructions to panicked family member and knowing that those instructions gave the patient a fighting chance. Or maybe even they survive. Some times, it doesn't always work out. But occasionally, all the bullshit is worth knowing that you actually did something that mattered.

    Unfortunately, there came an unintended side effect.

    I don't think I want kids anymore.

    Many of our most common complaints are custody disputes. But we've got a fair few frequent flyers. Kids who are constantly running afoul of my officers. Constantly running away. Oppositional Defiance Disorder causing numerous family violence and domestic problems.

    It's killed much of my desire to have children of my own. Do I think it's because I might have one of these children? Maybe. But some of it......is just the sheer lack of desire to add that level of stress in my life. My job is stressful as it is. I like my home life to be where I can go to relax. Put on the Tron: Legacy soundtrack and veg out. It's weird......as I've grown older, I've come to realize that I think I'd rather be The Dude from The Big Lebowski or Alan from Grandma's Boy. No responsibilities than their bare minimum. Man children? Maybe. But they're happy.

    I have 2 nephews, as it is, a third on the way, and my best friends son, of whom I'm the godfather. I think the idea of being the crazy uncle is far more appealing to me than being "Dad". Everything I can do as a dad, I can do as an uncle and get the advantage of giving them back at the end of the day.

    But if I decide on this, once and for all, that's the game for me and my girlfriend. She's dead set on having at least one child. She wants to be "mommy". She's so dedicated to the idea that she's freely admitted that she still wants a kid even knowing that it wasn't something I needed and something I really wasn't fully committed to.

    It's all constantly weighing on me. My dad and his toxicity. Feeling trapped in the house because the intent was to buy it but with shifting goals, I'm not certain I want to anymore. Feeling somewhat trapped in a relationship because I know what the endgame is if I make certain decisions. I'm tired of the specter of parenthood crushing me down long before I've even become a parent. It no longer feels like something I want to do but something I'm expected to do regardless of desire.

    I'm not suicidal. I have no desire to end my life. I'm not even sure I'd qualify as depressed. I don't feel sad.

    I just feel....stuck....like I need to hit a reset button that isn't there.

    I apologize for writing so much.

    11 votes
    1. [3]
      hairypotter
      Link Parent
      I appreciate you sharing this. You're a good writer, and come off as a resilient, thoughtful person. I hope your situation changes in a way that makes you feel less stuck.

      I appreciate you sharing this. You're a good writer, and come off as a resilient, thoughtful person. I hope your situation changes in a way that makes you feel less stuck.

      5 votes
      1. [2]
        Ellimist
        Link Parent
        Thank you for reading it. It's not the first time I've been told this.....perhaps I should do something with it.

        Thank you for reading it.

        You're a good writer

        It's not the first time I've been told this.....perhaps I should do something with it.

        4 votes
        1. wedgel
          Link Parent
          With all the Covid blahs, playing with or doing something new and different is just as, if not more important than ever. I might not be doing awesome right now, but that's the kind of thing that's...

          With all the Covid blahs, playing with or doing something new and different is just as, if not more important than ever. I might not be doing awesome right now, but that's the kind of thing that's been keeping me from shutting down over the last year. And from the sound of things you're somewhat in a similar boat. So I really think you should explore it.

          1 vote
  6. bkimmel
    Link
    Life is just a constant zero-sum triangle with 3 sides: Shitty Father Shitty Employee Complete Exhaustion Moving the situation away from any one thing inexorably makes the other two worse. I took...

    Life is just a constant zero-sum triangle with 3 sides:

    Shitty Father
    Shitty Employee
    Complete Exhaustion

    Moving the situation away from any one thing inexorably makes the other two worse. I took a shower for 15 minutes before I had to go to a Zoom meeting. It felt great, but I probably won't get to take another one for 4-5 days. I'm married to a hoarder, who is even more depressed than I am and deals with it by hoarding more and more shit; which creates piles of shit; which leads to more depression. Kids at least seem happy, I'm just worried about the effects of so much screen time that we have no other choice but to give them because without it everything would go to shit even harder.

    But I'm not sick, I have a job that I actually like and I get to spend more time with my kids. So yeah... pandemic fine, I guess.

    8 votes
  7. [2]
    Grimalkin
    Link
    I was never a very outgoing/extroverted person and was always okay with being alone, but I've spent the last year with very very little human contact and am not only quite used to it by now but am...

    I was never a very outgoing/extroverted person and was always okay with being alone, but I've spent the last year with very very little human contact and am not only quite used to it by now but am having trouble imagining it being any other way again.

    My plan last year was to move to a different city, try to find a job that I maybe kind of like to do everyday, and attempt to feel like a regular member of society again but that all stalled out because of Covid. Now that springtime is approaching and the vaccines are slowly working their way through the population I'm trying to motivate myself to pick up where I left off but have zero desire to integrate into any kind of different life than what I have going now. My current situation is one I can maintain for the foreseeable future, but after paying bills and whatnot there isn't much left to persue any goals/dreams/hopes (though I haven't had any of those for a long time) and everyday is pretty much the same and excitement/engagement is rare.

    I guess I need to force some changes on myself and hope for the best, but uprooting your life is so labor-intensive and requires a fair bit of patience (as well as communicating with many different people) as you adjust to things so of course it's much easier to just maintain for now and hope for some kind of burst of... something.

    I stopped drinking, I've been going to therapy, I'm taking supportive supplements, etc, etc, etc but am still stagnant. I have a long history with SSRI's, benzos and all other manner of medical help to deal with lifelong depression and anxiety, and am not looking to become medicated again as the various side-effects and trade-offs are not worth it to me.

    Not sure if this is a vent or asking for advice, or neither. It's just what's been on my mind a lot lately.

    7 votes
    1. MimicSquid
      Link Parent
      Is there something that requires you to change or do something different? I mean, I know there's this societal theory of eternal growth being good and necessary, but if what you have is working...

      Is there something that requires you to change or do something different? I mean, I know there's this societal theory of eternal growth being good and necessary, but if what you have is working for you what is it that's telling you that you have to change?

      4 votes
  8. alex11
    Link
    I am absolutely not ok at all. covid is a real struggle and I'm barely keeping my head above water

    I am absolutely not ok at all. covid is a real struggle and I'm barely keeping my head above water

    7 votes
  9. river
    Link
    I'm really spending a lot of time thinking about gender which I normally don't, not a good thing.

    I'm really spending a lot of time thinking about gender which I normally don't, not a good thing.

    6 votes
  10. Parliament
    Link
    I'm just tired and feeling completely sapped of motivation now that I'm back from parental leave. I got 4 weeks from my employer + 1 extra week and some holidays since our daughter was born the...

    I'm just tired and feeling completely sapped of motivation now that I'm back from parental leave. I got 4 weeks from my employer + 1 extra week and some holidays since our daughter was born the week before Christmas. I know most men get nothing here in the US, but 5 weeks still isn't enough.

    It could be worse though. At least I have my wife and daughter in the next room to love on when I take breaks during the day. I get to see them much more than I got to see my son when I went back to work after he was born a few years ago. And back then, I only had 2 weeks off.

    6 votes
  11. PhantomBand
    Link
    Kinda OK I guess, a bit in the middle. Main issues: Since August 2019 I've had derealization so I'm constantly stuck in a sort of weird, foggy feeling and everything just feels like I'm living on...

    Kinda OK I guess, a bit in the middle. Main issues:

    • Since August 2019 I've had derealization so I'm constantly stuck in a sort of weird, foggy feeling and everything just feels like I'm living on a "power save" mode so to say. I don't even know how normal feels anymore and my anxiety is higher than ever. A particularly gnarly side effect of this are intrusive thoughts and I've struggled with various topics since November 2019, including nihilism, deconstruction, pessimism, nondualism, postmodernism, etc, and these type of thoughts completed mess me up when I give them too much attention, though I've tackled some by now. Buddhism and nondualism are the worst nowadays. Anyhow I do feel like I'm slowly going nuts and I don't know what's true or not true anymore and everything's so surreal.

    • I've been more isolated than ever and I'm like indoors 24/7 for the most part. I'm an introvert and have pretty bad social anxiety, but even I am kinda starting to want to go out more. I also find it harder and harder to go outside (not just because of social anxiety though, also another more esoteric oddity), it's like my social anxiety is aging like milk. I don't think I've had any friends since 2018 either, it's mainly now just me and my parents, and I talk a lot with my cousin digitally who I'm super close to.

    • My anxiety in general latches on hard to negativity, so when I for example see someone online proclaim things like "life is suffering", or a philosopher coming up with a theory that it's better to never have been born, or that everything is an illusion, etc, particularly the whole non-self stuff is triggering, I freak out internally and have a very hard time letting go of these thoughts and start worrying if they're secretly right even if I don't actually think they are. Usually I spend a lot of time looking up counterarguments online and those help.

    Aside from that, I do have an extreme love for things like gaming and anime so I don't get bored or anything like I notice a lot of people are, but I'd definitely like to switch things up since I feel like I'm in some sort of psychological horror story now with all the unsettling intrusive thoughts and stuff.

    6 votes
  12. [3]
    Adys
    Link
    It has been a rough 48 hours. The ability to post in these types of threads when I get really down keeps my head above the water. Usually long enough to eventually find my way back to shore. But...

    It has been a rough 48 hours.

    The ability to post in these types of threads when I get really down keeps my head above the water. Usually long enough to eventually find my way back to shore.

    But it's fucking scary, every time it happens. Right now my brain space really resembles those crude "you piece of shit" inner monologue cartoons from Bojack.

    6 votes
    1. Adys
      (edited )
      Link Parent
      [removed. Love you all.]
      • Exemplary

      [removed. Love you all.]

      7 votes
    2. teaearlgraycold
      Link Parent
      I’ve been there, too. I hope you find the way out.

      I’ve been there, too. I hope you find the way out.

      4 votes
  13. cardigan
    Link
    I've been thinking about dreams. In a favorite film of mine, one character urgently says to another: "Listen to me. This is not happening. We're going to wake up. It's a dream." And I have the...

    I've been thinking about dreams. In a favorite film of mine, one character urgently says to another: "Listen to me. This is not happening. We're going to wake up. It's a dream." And I have the same sense: not that I'm living in a waking nightmare, but that I'm in a dream, and that none of the things happening to me are real.

    Last night I dreamt that I was back in high school. The main hall of the school was empty except for myself and two people at either end. I hit it off with someone I'd never seen before, who was laying on a bench, and I had the sense that I'd made a friend. I led the way back to my place, which was for some reason adjoined to the school, but the apartment didn't resemble anywhere I've ever lived before. We talked to a roommate I've never had before, who was writing a letter to her family on an old computer. I took my new friend to my room, a room I've never had before, and we started to play go. My roommate came to watch us, but when she did, I saw myself from the outside. I watched as she discovered that there was really no one there with me at all, and that I was playing go with myself, dropping my "friend's" stones to the side of the board when they were captured without realizing that I was alone.

    The only way that I can read this is as compromised wish fulfillment. I don't have any friends anywhere near where I'm living now, so I make the impossible happen in my sleep. Yet this image still strikes another side of myself as being so unreal that it can't be true, and the vision unravels, but I remain asleep. It flows in both directions in a way that's hard to describe. Whether awake or asleep, things hold their character for only a few moments. In the next, they're covered over in a wave of dissociation, and reach me only in a distant and muted way.

    It's been a struggle to get my current psychiatrist to return my emails, even though it's for refills of the same narcolepsy medication and antidepressant that I've been on for a long time. He finally responded to me the other day, and we're set for an appointment tomorrow, but I've been completely out of the antidepressant for a little over two weeks. I still have some of the other medication, but over the last month my sleeping has veered into an unsustainable pattern. I'm used to it being at least unusual, but if I'm starting to worry about it, as someone who shows so little care for themselves, then it would likely be very worrying to a caring outsider. Writing this out now, I've only just realized that it's probably the lack of the antidepressant, but it feels like it's been getting worse for longer than that. It's hard to say for sure.

    I'm lucky that for the time being, I've felt too dissociative to indulge in my main mental health problem, which is a profound body dysmorphia. Usually these two things inform the other. A constant, low-grade feeling of dissociation will help confirm my sense that the person I'm pathologically transfixed by in the mirror cannot be me. My sense of that is "piqued" thinking about it now, but it hasn't intruded on my daily life in the way that it usually does. I guess I should take these things as they come.

    I know for a fact that there are people out there who care about me, and even care about me a great deal. But I can't imagine why, because I don't see the person that they see. I've spent my whole life thinking that I'm something less than human. In my most positive moments, the way that I think of myself is as a non-presence in the corner of the room, someone inoffensive and forgettable, who was probably at the party that you remember, but who fades so far into the background that they might as well not be there at all. Most of the time, though, I appear to myself as a monster: one who is unforgettable, who repels others first with its body, and then with its poor attempt at human behavior. Because as I've written many times here before, I am convinced that no one who meets me in person can relate to me. Some of this is deeply intrinsic, inseparable from "me," but some has been acquired. The degree to which I'm tediously self-reflective here is proportionate to how mute I am in person. Years of damage have made me polite to a fault: socially aware, laughing at the right moments, but too scared to say anything. And in those rare times when I feel comfortable enough to let down my guard, I find there's nothing to express. As a kid, I used to lie in strange ways in these moments, because I knew that I had to say something, and wanted to say something, but I felt too detached from myself to see what was there. And though I keep quiet now, I still feel that way. Like someone in a dream.

    6 votes
  14. MimicSquid
    Link
    I'm ok? Life keeps going on with its small joys and losses even inside the bubble of life possible during a pandemic. I worry about money, as always. I play with the dog, who continues to be a...

    I'm ok? Life keeps going on with its small joys and losses even inside the bubble of life possible during a pandemic. I worry about money, as always. I play with the dog, who continues to be a delight. I dream of a future where I might get to interact with people outside my house without a level of physical dread. Even if I'm handling the day to day ok, and have never really taken full advantage of all the amazing things nearby, I liked knowing that if I wanted to I could go to museums or shows or or or or... I'm just tired of the pandemic, but I keep on keeping on because the other option is slip into depression and denial and have by business fall apart. Fortunately I have lots of experience keeping things moving even when my mental health is bad.

    5 votes
  15. [3]
    teaearlgraycold
    Link
    I switched to a new therapist last week. I already think this one will be much better than the last! I have a second and much longer session scheduled for Friday.

    I switched to a new therapist last week. I already think this one will be much better than the last! I have a second and much longer session scheduled for Friday.

    5 votes
    1. [2]
      Adys
      Link Parent
      Congrats! Out of curiosity did you have trouble finding another therapist? I heard they are overbooked in many countries due to the pandemic stress people are enduring.

      Congrats! Out of curiosity did you have trouble finding another therapist? I heard they are overbooked in many countries due to the pandemic stress people are enduring.

      5 votes
      1. teaearlgraycold
        Link Parent
        Surprisingly I did not. My tele-therapy platform let me press a button and I got a new therapist within a couple of hours.

        Surprisingly I did not. My tele-therapy platform let me press a button and I got a new therapist within a couple of hours.

        4 votes
  16. Cyndikate
    Link
    This morning fueled my hatred for the management company of my apartment complex. In a period where people are working from home and kids are doing virtual learning, the management company in...

    This morning fueled my hatred for the management company of my apartment complex. In a period where people are working from home and kids are doing virtual learning, the management company in their infinite wisdom decided to hire a contractor to renovate an apartment next to me. It woke us up and affected our jobs because we work from home. It was so bad that we missed work because of the noise.

    There was no prior notice. At all. The lady at the front desk yelled at me and my boyfriend and told us that they don’t have to give notice. They go by the city ordinance.

    I’m counting down the days we move.

    4 votes