Advice on trudging through stress

I fully suggest trying to find a therapist in your area.

Therapy greatly helped me through some difficult times in the past couple of years. It was wonderful to have someone to talk through my feelings with, especially because I’ve felt guilty “unloading” my feelings on friends in the past.

One thing I'd like to touch on -

I could stiffen up and fight back whenever she starts arguing with me, but we have kids and I want to commit myself to preventing their exposure to hostilities as much as possible. But this means I have to do my best to brush off my wife's verbal abuse and maintain composure so they can have a stable dad to rely on.

I'm interpreting text, obviously, so feel free to ignore me if I'm off base.

Reading this, I am a little concerned that you're going to do what a lot of people who are uncomfortable with confrontation do: use the kids as an excuse to not stand up for yourself.

Your kids are already experiencing hostilities. Kids are more sensitive than people recognize, as I'm sure you know, and they're already seeing how your wife is treating you. If you just take it passively, they're going to learn that that's the right way to respond.

Now, sticking up for yourself does not mean shouting abuse back. It can be as simple as saying "I don't appreciate being talked to that way; I'm going to leave" and then going to another room.

I would second @Halfloaf's suggestion for finding a therapist. I struggle with depression always and have been in therapy off and on for years. Based on my experience, the purpose of therapy is to help you change how you approach your life. You might learn to recognize triggers for stress or anxiety and develop strategies for managing those feelings when they come. The change can be pretty hard to see because it's gradual, but so comforting to see yourself as a person who is skilled in dealing with their own emotions.

Finding a therapist is hard these days. You can start with the ones in your area covered by your insurance (assuming you are in the US), but among that list, you can look for someone who has experience dealing with the ins and outs of family (and especially divorce). Another good way to find someone is through referrals -- if you have any friends or family in your area who are in therapy, they can ask their therapist if there is anyone they would recommend.

Switching gears a little, my mother practiced family law for my whole life until she retired, so I've heard about the whole gammut of bad stuff that can happen in a divorce. You are not alone in the feeling that it sucks -- no one wins in a divorce, even when it's the best choice for everyone's well-being.

I hope you have a good attorney. One of the things I've learned from my mother is the importance of listening to your attorney. You have them because they are experts. They are emotionally distanced from the situation and can help you make choices that are strategic.

I know someone whose divorce and co-parenting was very complicated -- their ex-spouse was highly narcissist and manipulative. If my friend proposed something for the kids (like getting them into the better schools), the ex would be against it on principle because it was my friend's idea. If they agreed to something the ex proposed, the ex would change their mind. In the end, my friend's strategy was to make a parenting coordinator part of the divorce agreement, along with rules around communication. All communication has to go through a system that allows the parenting coordinator (and the courts, if needed) to see what was sent to whom when. The parenting coordinator acts as a referee between the parents, watches out for the children's interests, and can compel a parent (the ex, in most cases) to participate in an agreed-upon plan.

It's not clear from your description if that is your exact situation, but I mention it because having the PC has allowed my friend to put up functional boundaries and sort out conflicts. So it might be a tool that is worth looking into.

Best of luck to you. It's a hard time, but I hope for better times on the other side of it.

I'm so sorry. I have been through a horrific divorce and still have bad coparenting struggles. It's nothing but suck.

My only thought is that in addition to a therapist and good attorney (shockingly hard to find, and I am an attorney!), is find a divorce-focussed support group. Also sadly difficult to come by in my area, but what I could find helps so much. Just to have someone who really gets whats you're going through, and to demonstrate that it is survivable.

All the best, feel free to reach out privately.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

There are children involved, and so everything you do is in their best interests. You need to communicate because you're going through the divorce and also because you're coparenting. You will want to try to separate out these different communications: all the divorce stuff goes through the lawyers, all the parenting stuff goes through one specific communication channel, preferably in writing. Every single time she breaks those boundaries politely and firmly decline to get drawn in, and say that you'll only respond if she goes via the lawyers for the divorce stuff, and via the other channel for the parenting stuff.

Forcing things to go through the lawyers does a few things: it means she has to pay when she contacts you, and that may make her think twice about whether it's needed; but also if she's paying money to insult you it can take the sting off a little bit. It also provides some protection because lawyers can tend to de-fang situations (not always, some of them may ramp up tension). In England you can look for a lawyer that are part of Resolution.

Forcing the parenting stuff to go through a single port of contact, in writing, gives you time. You can hit "pause" before replying, you'll be calmer, your message will calmly address the points she's making that need to be addressed and you can ignore the rest. Some people are expert in pushing buttons, and you're simply not going to let your buttons get pushed, and if they do get pushed you're not going to respond when you're in that heightened state. It also means you have a written record that shows you're putting the children's best interests first, that you're trying to coparent with this person, that you are responding to the points she's making but that you're not arguing with her, you're trying to reduce the high-conflict nature.

Alongside all that you need to get some social support from either a good friend or a professional counsellor or therapist. This may be a monthly "check in meeting" where you're allowed to vent, and get praise for how you're coping, and plan for the month ahead (especially for big events like court dates). And you may want to think about creating a safe place where you can get away from these events - that may be a room that you do crafts of hobbies in, or it might be somewhere out of the house.

Cognitive behavioural therapy is an evidenced based treatment for anxiety, but it may not be a good fit for this situation, but talking to a therapist may be useful.

Might sound cliché, but exercise really helps me process things in a healthy way. It also gives you something constructive to do that makes you look and feel better and the possibility of meeting other like minded people. It's been a game changer for me. The hardest part is pushing yourself to do it if you already don't feel well. So there will be good days and bad days with it.

I very sorry to hear you are going through this struggle. My own divorce was very different from yours (no kids, ex was not malicious). But some of the things that come to mind:

• What is your living situation? I understand this is very difficult with children because you can't be the one who leaves. But this should be sorted out sooner than later. You need your space apart from her and home needs to be safe.
• I'm not religious but spent time reading about religions and spirituality. I found spiritual and meditation practices that helped me to clear, center, and focus my mind. Mindfulness, breathing, internal litanies/chants helped me to control my mental state.
• "Hit the gym bro" is a meme but there is some wisdom there. It doesn't need to be a literal gym but find a regimented process to build yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. You likely have a lot of habits that went towards maintaining a relationship. That energy need to be turned to something productive.
• Where is your comfort and support group? As men in committed relationships there is a cultural tendency toward allowing our support group to shrink until it is primarily our significant other. I was fortunate to have a group of people I knew that I hung out with occasionally. My ex and I decided on our divorce a few days before thanksgiving. I reach out to those friends and ended up at their Thanksgiving celebration. They stepped up showed a nothing but acceptance and support. They are now my ride-or-die group.

So first off I want to say I'm not qualified to really give great advice and always recommend a therapist when it is a big deal like this. I do also want to offer some thoughts to see if it is anything for you to turn over in your head at all.

I have some friends who have divorced, and I want to start off telling you that years out from it, they are happier than they have ever been. It was not easy to get there, but one person I know is about 5 years out and remarrying someone who is supporting them for the first time in their life, they had no clue what a healthy relationship looked like until their current partner. The other person is maybe a decade or more out and again is with a partner that they are incredibly happy and in love with that they both support each other. Once you know what you don't like, it is easier to look for what you do.

This won't lessen the pain and hardship you are going through, it won't make it super easy to get everything back in order right away either, but I think it's important to keep in the back of your head that you are moving towards a happier life for yourself, which will in turn make you a better parent and person to be around in general. But again, keeping in mind that the underlying reason you are leaving to better yourself is there to hold you up when it gets really hard. There is a goal and it isn't out of sight anymore.

I'm a pretty anxious person, and honestly extremely insecure and sensitive, which means that verbal attacks on me have always hit me extremely hard. Even if I'm playing an online game and I know it's 14 year old that ripped on me, it still sits and tumbles around my head (i'm 43 btw). Knowing this is just how I am, what I've done to cope with it is to try to have a good picture of who i am, who i want to come across as, and how I want to treat people round me. I know I'm going to have an argument in my head against the person and trouble sleeping even, but as long as I can hold that image of who I am and generally being a person trying to be good to the people around me, i can walk away without them breaking down my ego piece by piece. It will hurt temporarily, but making sure i am who I want to be will leave me in the long run.

For your situation, maybe it will help to get ahead of the anxiety you are feeling when you have to have an interaction with your wife. For me as well with my anxiety reframing and examining situations help me step outside of them as well. From what you have written, every fear you have of interacting with her is a justification for your decision to divorce to help strengthen the path you are on. Every time she spits fire and attacks, you have just another reinforcement you want this person farther out of your life than she was before.

Stepping out and prediction, what is she going to do next ahead of time can help you in the situation too. Knowing she's going to yell and insult you ahead of time, you can just mentally tick off every time she does it, step outside and pretend to look at the scene as though a third party seeing it and how would you think of how she is acting vs yourself? That can help you detach from the immediacy of the insults. But really knowing what she says isn't true in your heart, and being ready for being dragged through the mud ahead of time can get you through the situation until you can get back into private and digest it how you want.

And speaking of that, cry, my friend, cry until you can't cry anymore. This is the tool we were given to process grief, even though it feels like me might break in half, it is better to let it out then hold it in. Put on sad music and just scream out all the stuff you feel, take it out, look at the thought, maybe its too dramatic or fatalist and you can decide to keep it or discard the thought, maybe it turns out to be a thread out of the hole too. Your lungs have to work to breath and your tear ducts have to work to process the grief of the situation too.

I haven't had this type of conflict in my life personally in the modern era, but it may be worth also recording encounters with your ex so that you could either play them back when you aren't in the situation to digest what she is doing or at least to make sure she won't make any claims against you for your own protection as well.

I'm sorry I don't have any more immediate advice and there is no easy cure for what you are going through to make it not hurt, it's the worst thing ever, but you can steel yourself ahead of time for what you know will happen when you interact, and try to process it back home in private after the fact, and in the back of your head understand that you chose to jump off this cliff because you know there is a big fluffy pile of pillows at the bottom.

I recommend seeing a therapist. If it's REALLY bad (e.g., severe insomnia, rapid and unhealthy weight gain/weight loss, panic attacks, suicidal ideation, etc, etc) consider speaking to your doctor or a psychiatrist as you might benefit from medication. A therapist may point you in that direction anyway.

I went through a really bad custody 'battle' a couple of years ago, basically dealing with a parent who cared more about vengeance than their own children. I dropped a dangerous amount of weight, couldn't eat, my hygiene suffered, my work started to be affected. I was on high alert for so long I eventually 'crashed' and fell into depression and became barely functional. The pandemic and lockdown were actually my saving grace because everyone was a mess too, so it gave me some leeway. It wasn't my first rodeo (or second...or third...) with severe anxiety and depression so I knew to speak to my psychiatrist about it. He put me on antidepressants for the depression (duh), and a low dose of benzos short-term when the anxiety would get bad or I couldn't sleep. This was coupled with therapy to help more long term. I wouldn't recommend only relying on medication anyway, it needs to be coupled with therapy for sure.

I'm not specifically recommending medication in any case, it might not be for you, but don't be ashamed if you end up needing it. I wouldn't have made it without that support.

I feel for you, this kind of thing is brutal. Be kind to yourself, and I hope the dawn will break for you on this long night you're having to endure.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with all that. I went through a period of long-term stress as well (a cross-continental move, uncertain living situation, underemployment/unemployment and PhD all at the same time) and what helped me survive was 1. minimising all the other stressors and 2. being easy on myself.

For 1., the thing is that when you're already overwhelmed and coping with a major stressor, you won't have the energy to spend on anything else that stresses you out, even if it's super minor. Dumb but real example: I love playing video games of all sorts, but during my most stressful times, I would only play chill games like farming sims and the like. Anything that was aggressive or scary would stress me out further. So, anything that frustrates you or stresses you out and is not absolutely necessary - give yourself permission to drop it, at least for a little while. Everyone is saying how great exercise is, but having to juggle schedules and payments and public transport to make it happen did my head in when I was chronically stressed, and I only dropped it after it led to a total meltdown. Should have listened to myself instead and stopped sooner.

The second one took me a while because I have very high standards for myself, but when you're under stress, you won't be performing as you normally do. This goes for everything from work to tolerance for minor stressors, patience, and a bunch of other things. I learned that I get memory problems while under prolonged stress, and while it was really frustrating, it helped me to know what's happening and remind myself that it's not me failing at yet another thing, but rather the stress manifesting itself. Give yourself permission to suck, and to not live up to your standards. This can mean eating out every day for an entire week even though you're supposed to be saving money, or not going to the gym this month, or whatever helps you keep your sanity. I'm not saying quit your job and go live in a cave, but be lenient with yourself.

Other things that are also helpful: therapy (CBT for me - I like solutions to problems and CBT helped me find them), self-care, spending time with friends/loved ones. If you get side effects like insomnia, anxiety or the like, don't be afraid of getting medicated/finding coping mechanisms; it's all temporary and will pass with the stress. I hope this doesn't last too long and that you can put it behind you as soon as possible.

Whatever you do: Take the high ground WRT discussing your wife with your kids.

She is undoubtably is going to badmath you to them, for a long time. Do not return in kind. In the long term, you will have a better relationship with your kids. It's been the most common thread I've seen for all children of divorce (both literal children and adults).

Kids internalize that hostility. An attack at Mom or Dad is an attack against them, even if it's coming from the other. As they get removed from the immediacy of the divorce, they will come around. And at the very least respect you for that.

If you can, force all divorce talk through a lawyer. That's probably a good idea anyway. As far as coordinating childcare, I'd try to push it to text/email as much as possible, but I understand that's gonna be a challenge.

If it helps, just keep reminding yourself she's harming nobody's relationship but the one with her kids anymore.

And let yourself cry. It's cathartic and will help you cope.