27
votes
Holidays mental health thread
I might be a little early in posting this thread but I am personally beginning to stress a lot about the holidays - have been for like a month, even, to some degree.
So I wanted to make this thread as a safe venting space.
My own vent
I always disliked Christmas a lot, and New Year's Eve was even worse and is an active hate. But it's all so much worse this year because my brother (CSA TW) will be there. I have to pretend everything is fine even though it's not and I fear it will affect me so much so that I'm going to relapse when I get home.
I am in low contact with my family for the most part. It has been that way for over a decade and Christmas time is largely the only time of the year I see them in person. I expect it will be quite stressful overall but I go through the motions for my daughter to have some form of a relationship with her grandparents. Work has been incredibly stressful recently but the break will be nice at least.
Do you do any particular coping strategies for the stress?
Stress is like a gnat, or a sore that won't heal. I try to give myself space to carefully consider what is and what isn't within my control and descope accordingly. As a father I can see that my parents were doing the best with the skills they had, but the boy within me rages none the less so I must strike a balance. None of this is sufficient so when it is overwhelming I dive into a story or a game when not spending time with my family. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes as my parents. This is mostly just shower thoughts, hopefully it sounds cohesive.
Totally cohesive, yes.
Games or stories are a legitimate way to cope by the way. Distractions are important and something I use every day too. It's one of the only things that work for me.
Going to see my in-laws for a few days with my wife and daughter. They can be a lot. A narcissist and an enabler. If it were up to me, we just wouldn't have contact with them, but of course, they aren't my parents. So for my wife's sake, and to see her brothers and their kids, we will go.
We did a lot of work in couples therapy to work on how to set and manage good boundaries with her parents, and how to do that as a team. So we have that going for us. We stay somewhere else, not at their house, which gives us more control over our interactions with them.
My daughter doesn't want to spend time with them alone, and we don't make her. But it means I can't relax as much in the group setting because I want to make sure one of us is around to back her up in case her grandmother starts in on something that makes her uncomfortable. My daughter is very good about speaking up for herself, but I don't want her to have to carry that weight alone. (Just to be clear, there's no worry about physical abuse, just her narcissistic bullshit. If it were the former, we wouldn't be going at all).
A word for @smoontjes, CSA trigger warning
I'm very sorry you have to go through that with your family. Something similar happened to someone close to me in our family. Though the perpetrator was already dead when it came out, there are people that just refuse to believe her or just want to paper over the fact that it happened because it's inconvenient to face it.
This is something I have posted before that she told me about how it feels to deal with her trauma:
I think about that a lot, especially when sending my daughter out into the world. 1 in 4. I just don't have the words for how much it sucks. My heart goes out to you for what this family time might cost you.
Sounds really stressful with your wife's family. Does your brothers in law feel the same way? Hope you can get the best out of it in any case, especially if the kids have a good bond.
The believability aspect is a problem second only to essentially placing a bomb under my whole family. So yeah I like that glass analogy a lot - it really does feel that way. And that your hands sometimes shake while holding it. Thank you for your empathy in any case, I really appreciate that.
I read the full comment you linked by the way but sadly the post itself was deleted. Do you happen to remember what it was?
I generally follow my wife's lead about how to interact with her family, within the bounds we set. But no matter what, it's work to be there, partly because her parents' behavior is unpredictable, so even when it seems like things are going well, I don't know how long it will last.
I think there are similar boundary setting / distancing things happening with her brothers, but I don't have much visibility into it. Unfortunately, the family dynamic is such that they don't talk about their parents with each other. I wish they did because I think it would be healthier for them to acknowledge it, and maybe that would help her be closer to her brothers.
Regarding that post I linked, I found the substack post it referenced in my browser history, but the whole substack has been deleted, and I was unsuccessful finding anything with the Google cache or the internet archive. Here is the nonworking link in case you or someone else is better at sleuthing than I am
I hope your holiday is as peaceful as it can be. It's not much, but there is at least one internet stranger rooting for you!
I suppose that yeah, it's not your responsibility in that sense. Following her lead seems like the most reasonable thing to do in your position. Sucks that they as siblings don't talk about it.. it's such a typical thing, "keeping the peace". But the things you don't talk about are often the things that you should talk about (not you specifically - the general you).
I barely root for myself so thank you for doing that for me (:
Edit: I misunderstood the purpose of this, have edited. Sorry all!
I'm sorry but that's the point. And I'm glad you love the holidays, but you clearly need zero support for your mental health in this context, so this thread just isn't for you. I'm being harsh but I feel it's really insensitive to hear about how great you have it while I and others are actually suffering because of it.
Fair, I misunderstood the purpose and thought this thread was for everyone. My apologies.
It's okay.
Could always do a separate thread? In ~talk or something about what people like about the holidays
I used to dislike the holidays greatly. The whole family drama, being forced to attend religious services, the sloppy levels of drinking and arguing etc.
These days I ignore it all, don't attend any religious nonsense, and don't drink. I show up, eat the food, and enjoy the moment for what it is - another holiday spent with my family, a family who is aging and who one day will be gone.
This time of the year you see many threads about people dreading being with family and old wounds opening up.
At the same time in the media you hear how horrible it is for someone to be alone on XMas.
I bet a lot of people dreading being with family would consider it a gift to be able to spend the day alone with a book.
I'm doing pretty well, actually. My depression switch, which was on "Depressed" for the past month or two has finally switched back to "content" and I'm generally feeling pretty alright.
I'm excited for the gifts my kids will receive from my family--my wife and I aren't getting them anything this year, as they'll be getting gifts from each set of grandparents, as well as at least 2 out of 4 uncle's, 3 of 5 Aunts and several cousins--and I'm looking forward to hanging out with both sides of the family on Christmas Eve and Christmas respectively.
Only thing that really gets me down and irritates me is the inevitable political talk. My Brothers and Sisters in-law start talking politics eventually and it ends up being a very tedious cycle; we all agree on issues, it's just not paving any new ground and it's not very interesting, especially with my BiL binging on news and just ranting most of the time.
Other than that, my kids will be on break soon and I'm looking forward to some much needed sleeping in.
It's kinda sucky when major company decisions are made at the end of the year. I got restructured out of a job and I'm on leave while the contract agency was trying to figure out what to do next. Fun bit is that since I'm potentially losing a job before an insurance changeover, I'm not sure what happens if they just tell me to pack up shop and leave. I don't really have any outstanding health concerns except for the fact I'm concerned about my health, but still something to think about along with what am I actually doing with my life, should I go back to school, and how am I going to keep the bad thoughts away.
My mental health issues were pre-existing, and I live too far from family to go home for Christmas, so Christmas is just kinda a thing happening in the middle of things for me. It's helping give me a little bit more cheer than I'd have otherwise, ig? My metamour is visiting for Christmas so that's an additional person around the place, which I think will be generally good. Hopefully I don't crash after Christmas.
The end-of-year holidays are usually spent reflecting on all the good someone has achieved or all the good that has happened. I don't like that premise. I'm still alive. But that's a low bar for most so...
I won't be attending christmas or new years at anyone because I don't like acting happy when I'm not.
Honestly the biggest issue for me is, once again, not having my own place to live in. I just got rejected for an appartement (some sort of communal living, long story) and its just reaching high levels of despair for me. Like giving me a splinter of hope and then wham. Got rejected.
NIMBYism is hell.
This is the first year anniversary of when I, in quick succession; went no contact with half my family, kicked from my (rented) home (so that it could be utilised as a holiday home) and lost my job (due to workplace bullying and a lack of support) followed by a near death experience from severe illness and burnout.
What felt troublesome was that it came right after I’d consider the peak of my living, where I was at my physical best, my career was going well and I was hosting my first ever Christmas… to which my family decided not to attend. This was the first flag that things were about to take a turn.
I find myself feeling a sense of sadness, dread and discomfort this year as Christmas approaches. I don’t have much planned but I am trying very hard to choose to enjoy things and be happy for others with their plans.
Rather than telling myself I hate Christmas I am choosing to enjoy that others can enjoy it. Expressing happiness for others is good for the soul and it’s helping me feel more positive.
Starting from the bottom again can be a challenge but it’s up from here; because I was nearly homeless and nearly dead last year. So this year is one a hell of a win.
I wish everyone an awesome Christmas. Enjoy a great cup of tea. Treat yourself to a chocolate or two. You’re still here and so am I.