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Holidays mental health thread
I might be a little early in posting this thread but I am personally beginning to stress a lot about the holidays - have been for like a month, even, to some degree.
So I wanted to make this thread as a safe venting space.
My own vent
I always disliked Christmas a lot, and New Year's Eve was even worse and is an active hate. But it's all so much worse this year because my brother (CSA TW) will be there. I have to pretend everything is fine even though it's not and I fear it will affect me so much so that I'm going to relapse when I get home.
I am in low contact with my family for the most part. It has been that way for over a decade and Christmas time is largely the only time of the year I see them in person. I expect it will be quite stressful overall but I go through the motions for my daughter to have some form of a relationship with her grandparents. Work has been incredibly stressful recently but the break will be nice at least.
Do you do any particular coping strategies for the stress?
Stress is like a gnat, or a sore that won't heal. I try to give myself space to carefully consider what is and what isn't within my control and descope accordingly. As a father I can see that my parents were doing the best with the skills they had, but the boy within me rages none the less so I must strike a balance. None of this is sufficient so when it is overwhelming I dive into a story or a game when not spending time with my family. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes as my parents. This is mostly just shower thoughts, hopefully it sounds cohesive.
Totally cohesive, yes.
Games or stories are a legitimate way to cope by the way. Distractions are important and something I use every day too. It's one of the only things that work for me.
Going to see my in-laws for a few days with my wife and daughter. They can be a lot. A narcissist and an enabler. If it were up to me, we just wouldn't have contact with them, but of course, they aren't my parents. So for my wife's sake, and to see her brothers and their kids, we will go.
We did a lot of work in couples therapy to work on how to set and manage good boundaries with her parents, and how to do that as a team. So we have that going for us. We stay somewhere else, not at their house, which gives us more control over our interactions with them.
My daughter doesn't want to spend time with them alone, and we don't make her. But it means I can't relax as much in the group setting because I want to make sure one of us is around to back her up in case her grandmother starts in on something that makes her uncomfortable. My daughter is very good about speaking up for herself, but I don't want her to have to carry that weight alone. (Just to be clear, there's no worry about physical abuse, just her narcissistic bullshit. If it were the former, we wouldn't be going at all).
A word for @smoontjes, CSA trigger warning
I'm very sorry you have to go through that with your family. Something similar happened to someone close to me in our family. Though the perpetrator was already dead when it came out, there are people that just refuse to believe her or just want to paper over the fact that it happened because it's inconvenient to face it.
This is something I have posted before that she told me about how it feels to deal with her trauma:
I think about that a lot, especially when sending my daughter out into the world. 1 in 4. I just don't have the words for how much it sucks. My heart goes out to you for what this family time might cost you.
Sounds really stressful with your wife's family. Does your brothers in law feel the same way? Hope you can get the best out of it in any case, especially if the kids have a good bond.
The believability aspect is a problem second only to essentially placing a bomb under my whole family. So yeah I like that glass analogy a lot - it really does feel that way. And that your hands sometimes shake while holding it. Thank you for your empathy in any case, I really appreciate that.
I read the full comment you linked by the way but sadly the post itself was deleted. Do you happen to remember what it was?
I generally follow my wife's lead about how to interact with her family, within the bounds we set. But no matter what, it's work to be there, partly because her parents' behavior is unpredictable, so even when it seems like things are going well, I don't know how long it will last.
I think there are similar boundary setting / distancing things happening with her brothers, but I don't have much visibility into it. Unfortunately, the family dynamic is such that they don't talk about their parents with each other. I wish they did because I think it would be healthier for them to acknowledge it, and maybe that would help her be closer to her brothers.
Regarding that post I linked, I found the substack post it referenced in my browser history, but the whole substack has been deleted, and I was unsuccessful finding anything with the Google cache or the internet archive. Here is the nonworking link in case you or someone else is better at sleuthing than I am
I hope your holiday is as peaceful as it can be. It's not much, but there is at least one internet stranger rooting for you!
I suppose that yeah, it's not your responsibility in that sense. Following her lead seems like the most reasonable thing to do in your position. Sucks that they as siblings don't talk about it.. it's such a typical thing, "keeping the peace". But the things you don't talk about are often the things that you should talk about (not you specifically - the general you).
I barely root for myself so thank you for doing that for me (:
Just wanted to post a followup now that we are home. The visit was okay. We ended up spending mornings mostly at our hotel. We spent a lot of Christmas day sledding outside on the snowy hill, which was a lot of fun. So the actual visit time was curtailed, which made things less stressful.
It was fun to see my daughter play with and watch out for her younger cousins. One has a severe food allergy, and several years ago, she was the one to alert everyone when he drank her milk by accident. Ever since then, she keeps an eye on him. She's a good egg. I try to remind myself that these moments are important in knitting the rest of the family together.
I gather from circumstances that one of my wife's brothers is in a similar situation about being cautious to visit, so maybe we'll can find ways to connect around them.
My wife's parents were mostly on good behavior. A little bit of her mom negging my wife. That part really makes me mad, but my wife registers it as care (she doesn't always, but this time she did), so I left it alone.
As we were leaving for the last time, I was in the front hall putting my boots on, and her mom and dad came to say goodbye. While I was looking down tying my shoe, her mom said, "I just want you to know something, first-must-burn. We're not the enemy." About a million things flashed through my head, but what I said was, "I know you're not," gave them a hug, and left.
What I really wanted to say was, "You can tell yourself that you mean well, but you can't use good intentions to justify toxic behavior and expect me to be okay with it." But that didn't feel like the moment for those words. They are in their 70s, so it's unlikely that they are going to change their behavior now, and saying something like that would have hurt my wife deeply even if she agrees with the sentiment.
The visit reminded me and confirmed for me the reasons why I don't like going there. (They are better behaved when they are not on their "home turf"). But we made it through with minimal damage, and I have a few quiet days to recover before we get back to the rat race.
Edit to add a relevant quote:
Sledding! Yeah that sounds very fun, and I guess gave you a lot of time to recharge your batteries.
That your brother in law seems to feel the same.. I mean, that's positive right? might be difficult to broach the subject for your wife though (because as we talked about last week, it's her family and not yours so not your responsibility in that sense).
And eeehm "we're not the enemy" is only something the enemy would feel like saying lol
Very true and something a sentiment that went through my head a lot when I (for years) went back and forth on the decision to cut my father out of my life. I ended up finally doing so last year and it has relieved me of so much stress. So yeah, actions speak louder than words, always.
I had a good conversation with my wife about it tonight. She's able to see the difficulty I have, and she acknowledged that things are going to get more difficult as they age. After that I felt like we were more "on the same team" than I have felt in the past, so that is a good development. Now I can put it aside for a while and focus on the rest of this crazy world :)
I'm doing pretty well, actually. My depression switch, which was on "Depressed" for the past month or two has finally switched back to "content" and I'm generally feeling pretty alright.
I'm excited for the gifts my kids will receive from my family--my wife and I aren't getting them anything this year, as they'll be getting gifts from each set of grandparents, as well as at least 2 out of 4 uncle's, 3 of 5 Aunts and several cousins--and I'm looking forward to hanging out with both sides of the family on Christmas Eve and Christmas respectively.
Only thing that really gets me down and irritates me is the inevitable political talk. My Brothers and Sisters in-law start talking politics eventually and it ends up being a very tedious cycle; we all agree on issues, it's just not paving any new ground and it's not very interesting, especially with my BiL binging on news and just ranting most of the time.
Other than that, my kids will be on break soon and I'm looking forward to some much needed sleeping in.
I used to dislike the holidays greatly. The whole family drama, being forced to attend religious services, the sloppy levels of drinking and arguing etc.
These days I ignore it all, don't attend any religious nonsense, and don't drink. I show up, eat the food, and enjoy the moment for what it is - another holiday spent with my family, a family who is aging and who one day will be gone.
Edit: I misunderstood the purpose of this, have edited. Sorry all!
I'm sorry but that's the point. And I'm glad you love the holidays, but you clearly need zero support for your mental health in this context, so this thread just isn't for you. I'm being harsh but I feel it's really insensitive to hear about how great you have it while I and others are actually suffering because of it.
Fair, I misunderstood the purpose and thought this thread was for everyone. My apologies.
It's okay.
Could always do a separate thread? In ~talk or something about what people like about the holidays
This time of the year you see many threads about people dreading being with family and old wounds opening up.
At the same time in the media you hear how horrible it is for someone to be alone on XMas.
I bet a lot of people dreading being with family would consider it a gift to be able to spend the day alone with a book.
It's kinda sucky when major company decisions are made at the end of the year. I got restructured out of a job and I'm on leave while the contract agency was trying to figure out what to do next. Fun bit is that since I'm potentially losing a job before an insurance changeover, I'm not sure what happens if they just tell me to pack up shop and leave. I don't really have any outstanding health concerns except for the fact I'm concerned about my health, but still something to think about along with what am I actually doing with my life, should I go back to school, and how am I going to keep the bad thoughts away.
Honestly the biggest issue for me is, once again, not having my own place to live in. I just got rejected for an appartement (some sort of communal living, long story) and its just reaching high levels of despair for me. Like giving me a splinter of hope and then wham. Got rejected.
NIMBYism is hell.
As is usually the case Christmas was one of those huge, colorful, painfully extroverted Brazilian family reunions. Those are usually okay but since I became a father I don't have the luxury of hiding in a corner and waiting for it to end. Everyone wanna touch and hold and be weirdly emotional about the cute little baby. Suddenly the things I do or say are important for some reason, and I have to chaperone my tiny celebrity around. I think it'll get better when my son gets big enough that he's "just another kid". I may be able to almost enjoy those gatherings once again.
A EDIT: I forgot to mention that yesterday was an emotional day to my wife because it was the second Christmas after the death of her mother. I wasn't very attentive to it because dates are just numbers to me and I still find it a little weird how "normal people" have a calendar to their emotions. She only told me she was emotional about it late at night when we got home. So it's a bummer she didn't tell me that before, as I would have been more supportive if knew what she was going through.
My mental health issues were pre-existing, and I live too far from family to go home for Christmas, so Christmas is just kinda a thing happening in the middle of things for me. It's helping give me a little bit more cheer than I'd have otherwise, ig? My metamour is visiting for Christmas so that's an additional person around the place, which I think will be generally good. Hopefully I don't crash after Christmas.
Update for how it went yesterday. Little bit long so tldr: it somehow went fine.
It was only for about 2 hours in the afternoon before going for Christmas eve (we celebrate that and not 25th here) with my mom, aunt, and cousins. My train was 20 minutes delayed which I felt was lucky. I basically just dissociating and masking my way through it. Just stared him in the face for 30 and 60 seconds at a time, thinking about what he did while he was venting/talking about my nephew (died a week after born). I just don't care about it or him. I feel sorry for my mom and my brother's girlfriend but that's it. I'm it happened to him - I feel I'm a bad person for this but he deserves to feel this mental pain and anguish.
But I actually got through all this unscathed. I was perfectly fine, somehow, which kind of scared me that I could just.. turn off my emotions. I did get nauseous but that might also have been from the cup of coffee that I down in 1 minute (I never drink coffee usually) as I just needed a shot of caffeine. I think it's him though because I vomited last time I saw him too. Physical symptoms but no phychological ones seems weird but maybe it's a thing.. I think I will call a non-emergency hotline or something to talk about it.
So yeah. It somehow went fine. It makes me feel some imposter syndrome, that I'm not truly traumatized, because I read similar stories on r/cptsd and some users are truly impacted for quite some time after they see their abuser again.
Well, we left around 17 and mom and I drove to aunt's house and I had a pretty good evening there! Genuinely surprised how it turned out just so confusing and baffling.
I'm glad you made it through! It's a step in the right direction.
Physical symptoms are definitely a thing. The mind and body are connected. Sometimes the physical impacts of my stressors are the way I realize something is affecting me, before I've begun to feel anything that I connect with whatever it is.
The end-of-year holidays are usually spent reflecting on all the good someone has achieved or all the good that has happened. I don't like that premise. I'm still alive. But that's a low bar for most so...
I won't be attending christmas or new years at anyone because I don't like acting happy when I'm not.
I read your linked comment in the other thread, and I hope this message is okay because I'm not sure if validation or problem solving is something you want to hear right now - so I'll try to keep it short. What happened was (and still is) messed up. It seems like you are facing a major crossroad in life because you cannot ignore everything that you know now. Sometimes, I get really stressed out thinking about the future and every decision tree to consider when making a choice. If you need to hear this, just know that it's okay to take things one step at a time.
Without knowing your cultural background and financial situation, all I can say is that not everyone has to pretend that everything is fine when it is not. Is it possible to make something up so you don't have to go to those gatherings? Like say there's a sudden work deadline or that you got food poisoning and it's coming out of both ends?
Yes, absolutely. Family is kind of used to me not showing up to about half of things - everyone knows I struggle with my mental health - although nobody talks about it.. they either don't know how to address it, what to ask, how to help, or just want to ignore it because birthdays and holidays are meant to be celebratory and talking to me about the majority of what's going on in my life is a downer and can ruin the mood. There are times where I have showed up anyway and just been super quiet and I can clearly tell it's uncomfortable for those around me. People even move to another table after a few moments..
But yeah, I can definitely just pretend it's the usual difficulties. And I am for sure going to do that. Nobody would question it. So I guess that's a positive from an otherwise all around shit situation
Thank you for your comment, anyway. I really appreciate it
That sounds really tough. I'm sorry that your family isn't supportive. 😔 You deserve more than this, and I think you will get there someday. I'm just a stranger, but I am rooting for you!!!
Thank you <3
Listening to my father devouring food. Smacking his lips, sucking with his tongue, slurping the meat. Breathing deeply. Those small sounds of pleasure coupled with the occasional moan of "ooo yeah". I was laughing, but not because of amusement, but because I was sensory overloaded to the point of hysteria. I wanted to run away, run through the door and into the soothing silence of coldness. But I couldn't and so I laughed the same way you laugh when someone tickles you and you don't enjoy it.