I read the whole thing. It made me feel better about myself, really. (Warning: I think this comment may be triggering or offensive to some people? Probably only one or the other.) During my brief...
Exemplary
I read the whole thing. It made me feel better about myself, really.
(Warning: I think this comment may be triggering or offensive to some people? Probably only one or the other.)
During my brief (well, years, but it felt brief to me?) stint in the corporate world, I never had "my own" desk. When I was placed at the bleeding ISP, I often had to share a one person desk with someone else. My badge was temporary and impersonal. I worked on some projects that were largely meaningless, and had coworkers whose jobs were pointless.
Any earnest attempt at improving processes was met with outright hostility from people in other departments - being new to the grind, I did not understand that that was not what anyone was there for. There were long mandatory meetings where people whose job was unrelated to mine went on at length about projects I didn't know about and had no creative control over. They stopped inviting me after I fell asleep at one, and I didn't go unprompted.
When I look back at those years, I feel much like the author of this article. Who am I to complain? None of the work I did required intense physical labor, and my output seemed to meet expectations. I was better paid than most people in this country and appreciated by my employer. Most people are happy to do this shit for forty years. For years after "burning out" I felt like a quitter and a failure. I studied long and hard to do these jobs. Like everyone else, I have bills to pay. Was it really so bad that I was willing to throw away my whole career?
I've always had an aversion to wasting time on stupid shit. I'm a productive person (I think?) I have a myriad interests, and am always juggling a few different personal projects. Full-time, I don't have enough time to do everything I want to. At this job, I was the first to leave on most days; no one could complain because I was also the first one there (the commute was ridiculous - up to 3 hours per day back and forth - and there's no way I was going to waste more time stuck in traffic than I absolutely had to). But like the author, I found that time gains didn't necessarily translate into doing anything else, because - in my case - not only did I have limited mental bandwidth, I had to unconsciously train myself to avoid any hobbies that might crush the illusion that my job was in any way interesting or engaging.
Eventually I requested placement elsewhere as a consultant, but things never really improved. I'm not going to delve too much into the people - the author did that for me - but I'm pretty sure some of my work acquaintances were zombies or energy vampires. I started losing sleep and became tired all the time. I lost the ability to focus and perceive software architecture and algorithms. I was pretty happy and relieved when I quit (much like the narrator, I've never been fired) but still tormented by the unsustainability of my situation, unemployed and without "real" responsible adult plans for the future.
I only found a kind of peace when I realized that, yes, I'd rather starve to death than play that stupid game for the rest of my life. It was an epiphany. Living like that would conceivably be the largest imaginable scale betrayal of my core values. Why be a miserable zombie until retirement age, for the dubious benefit of being free for however few years I survive as an elderly person? I'd rather skip the whole being miserable part. I'm positive I'm healthier now than I'll be at 70. I can accomplish more now and enjoy life more now. It's simple math.
(Do keep in mind that most of the world can't retire as early as a ridiculously overinflated Silicon Valley salary might allow. Though honestly, in a developed nation, assuming no serious wars or natural catastrophes, I'd probably survive anyway.)
Even now, as I write it, I still feel like an impostor, a whiney pampered first world office worker who doesn't know how good he has it. But to my faint surprise this mindset has actually been helping... probably a lot? For years I used to quickly spiral into a panic when I tried to work on a programming project, but I've been a lot better lately, and can program again.
I currently have some ways to make money as a contractor, which seem safe in the long run. I don't apply for any full time jobs I'm not genuinely interested in, and haven't gotten the few I've applied for. I won't be doing any demeaning interviews or sucking up to the impersonal hiring processes of large corporations, and I'm not interested in mandatory office posturing and abuse. I also don't care about earning a lot, though, so that should help!
Do you have any advice for people in a similar situation? Before working as an employee I did some software consulting for a few years but now it feels like a whole new ball game and I'm not sure...
I currently have some ways to make money as a contractor
Do you have any advice for people in a similar situation? Before working as an employee I did some software consulting for a few years but now it feels like a whole new ball game and I'm not sure how to start again.
Like the narrator, I've been living off savings for some time. I focused on my personal interests. Eventually some opportunities were presented to me in connection to some of those interests. So I...
Like the narrator, I've been living off savings for some time. I focused on my personal interests. Eventually some opportunities were presented to me in connection to some of those interests. So I guess my (terrible) advice as a whiny impostor is to quit your job without a plan and try to be happy instead of worrying about the future. The kind of thing that's much easier if you have decided that doing that kind of job is absolutely not an option (which is itself easier if you don't have a family depending on you to be fed).
I suppose if you have savings you should probably start an investment portfolio. Be frugal as long as you don't have a source of income.
Just adding on to your second sentence: be willing to be uncomfortable. Which is implied with the “that kind of job is absolutely not an option”, but I think is worth stating outright At least in...
So I guess my (terrible) advice as a whiny impostor is to quit your job without a plan and try to be happy instead of worrying about the future. The kind of thing that's much easier if you have decided that doing that kind of job is absolutely not an option (which is itself easier if you don't have a family depending on you to be fed).
Just adding on to your second sentence: be willing to be uncomfortable. Which is implied with the “that kind of job is absolutely not an option”, but I think is worth stating outright
At least in America, I feel like so many people try to live their lives only in comfort. I believe “not being uncomfortable” is very much a variable in American thinking even though it’s something that holds one back massively
It will not be any kind of smooth transition regardless of planning and all that, so gotta understand the goal is “independency” (or your choice of word) and not “forever comfortable”
Sometimes the only way to take a step forward is two steps back first
(And also yes this is not really a comment towards someone who has dependents)
This is basically what I did at the end of last year. But it wasn't really because I had imposter syndrome so much as it was giving me actual mental issues from the impossiblity of what was being...
This is basically what I did at the end of last year. But it wasn't really because I had imposter syndrome so much as it was giving me actual mental issues from the impossiblity of what was being asked of me, especially for wages that were only just barely higher than minimum wage.
I am lucky in that I have very few expenses but I don't think that I would have been able to take the leap if not for my grandmother's death and her leaving behind some money for me. I have managed to avoid touching it so far, but my car insurance renewal is coming up shortly, I pay for the year in advance (to avoid financing fees), and the state has since doubled or tripled the amount of minimum coverage.
Right now I am doing the independant contractor thing as a teacher, working on teaching young kids how to code, but I don't think it's a career (I don't have the degree to become accredited for public school), and though I am making more money per hour than I ever have, i'm not getting enough hours to match what I was making before.
Yes, absolutely. My actual coworker friends always said I had impostor sindrome, but in this case I mean that it's hard to feel like this is a real thing and that I'm not lazy or imagining it,...
the impossiblity of what was being asked of me, especially for (...)
Yes, absolutely. My actual coworker friends always said I had impostor sindrome, but in this case I mean that it's hard to feel like this is a real thing and that I'm not lazy or imagining it, when so many people don't feel like this at all.
though I am making more money per hour than I ever have, i'm not getting enough hours to match what I was making before
Exactly my situation right now! But I'm extremely happy working part time and having time to do various other things, as long as it pays the bills.
working on teaching young kids how to code
That sounds lovely! I wouldn't hate doing that myself. Now whether I'd be any good at it, that's a different matter.
When the narrator lists four jobs no one would want to do, my immediate thought was that in a serious pinch I'd probably be willing to try two of those. Better than getting punched in the stomach for sure!
Unfortunately right now I am wondering if I’m in bed with another evil corporation because literally yesterday they reached out to the staff to see if anyone is interested in teaching a class on...
Unfortunately right now I am wondering if I’m in bed with another evil corporation because literally yesterday they reached out to the staff to see if anyone is interested in teaching a class on making a Shopify store with AI assets and run by drop shipping. But other than that I feel that my time is spent well on something that is helpful.
Trust me you aren’t alone; I dropped out of high school in ‘03 because I could see it in all the adults around me and why the fuck would I choose that life (and why would I want to stay here for...
Trust me you aren’t alone; I dropped out of high school in ‘03 because I could see it in all the adults around me and why the fuck would I choose that life (and why would I want to stay here for two more years when I don’t even want that life)
(And honestly dropping out and getting my GED is one of the things I’m happiest I’ve done in my life - there really isn’t a difference between a hs diploma (just can’t go into military or a university [gotta get AA at a college first]).)
Now I do have a compsci degree and worked for a few years to pay it off and such. And yeah. It’s fucking horrible. Hell I had actually worked with my boss to go down to a part time employee (not often you get that as a software developer) less than a year I had even started my job because I just couldn’t anymore.
Then COVID happened right after and remote work was better, only reason it lasted years. But it’s still horrendous way to live life in my opinion. Giving up your autonomy to another so that they can make their own life better at your expense. Fuck that. So starting my own business now (which was the whole reason I went back to school in the first place and got a CS degree. Well, that and I love learning and programming)
And I’m praying it works out because reiterating story/thread/all god is the interview gauntlet horrendous
I agree that it’s important to evaluate your corporate relationships and the balance, but isn’t this the nature of basically all mutually beneficial relationships? If you are going to rely on some...
Giving up your autonomy to another so that they can make their own life better at your expense. Fuck that.
I agree that it’s important to evaluate your corporate relationships and the balance, but isn’t this the nature of basically all mutually beneficial relationships? If you are going to rely on some entity for some value then it’s reasonable to be relied upon. In other words It sure sucks to be married to the wrong person, but that doesn’t mean marriage is bad.
A marriage should be mutual, one should not make their own life better at the expense of their spouse. I don't disagree that's how marriage is for a lot of people (hence all the divorce), but...
A marriage should be mutual, one should not make their own life better at the expense of their spouse. I don't disagree that's how marriage is for a lot of people (hence all the divorce), but that's a different topic.
I keep relationships limited (not just romantic) because my experience is most people want relationships to take use of people. Capitalistic jobs (not work) is one of those. I try to only build relationships with those that are about being mutual beneficiaries
But yes, it's impossible to live life without having to have some kind of relationship like that. That doesn't change the fact you can do whatever you can to limit or leave them, eg divorcing bad marriages
If it’s a mutual benefit party, and the other party comes into a windfall from it that you are ignorant of, would they share it with you or hide it from you? Those that share are the proper people to maintain, those that don’t aren’t.
A capitalistic job isn’t hiding the windfall from you, they’re expressly telling you they will keep it for themselves. So not only are they in the “aren’t” group, they’re telling on themselves that they aren’t
That’s a fiction about how some jobs in some large (mostly tech) companies can feel. It’s well written in my opinion, giving vibes of Black Mirror and Severance. I was discussed on HN also.
Exemplary
That’s a fiction about how some jobs in some large (mostly tech) companies can feel. It’s well written in my opinion, giving vibes of Black Mirror and Severance.
About 10 years ago I blew up my career in IT and quit without a plan. I ended up writing romance novels for 7 years. Most of the time, I loved it. But eventually I burned out from the necessary...
About 10 years ago I blew up my career in IT and quit without a plan. I ended up writing romance novels for 7 years. Most of the time, I loved it. But eventually I burned out from the necessary output to stay afloat financially. After deciding to quit writing, and after spending some time sharpening my programming skills, I landed in a software development job through a bit of luck. Now it’s been 3 years and I’m just miserable again. It’s not that the work is hard (it’s not), and it’s not that the job is that bad (well…), the problem is that it feels so pointless.
I’m middle aged now. If I blow this up again, I may not be able to get back into tech. But maybe that’s a good thing. I want to write again. It’s actually all I’ve ever really wanted to do, and I lived that blessed artist’s life for 7 years. It was hard, but it was rewarding. I have a friend who’s a biologist and throughout the summer he’s away on trips doing field work. They always need people in the summer. So, provided the current administration doesn’t mess with their government contracts, I think I might just become a field biologist this summer. And also write. And then maybe in the winter I’ll learn how to plow snow.
I don’t know. But working in a corporate office just feels like an enormous waste of my life. I understand the idea of “work to live” but that’s never worked for me. It feels like a trap.
I realize this isn't the main point of your post and are likely being a bit facetious, but snow removal is utterly miserable work. My partner did it for a winter (though not the plow driver, which...
I realize this isn't the main point of your post and are likely being a bit facetious, but snow removal is utterly miserable work. My partner did it for a winter (though not the plow driver, which I'd guess would be less aful). Neither of us are shy to manual labour, but he was called out in the worst, coldest, wettest weather, and at all hours - but usually over night. To each their own, yet among all possible manual/physical/seasonal jobs out there, snow removal is one of the ones I'd be least interested in, personally.
I do have some connections in snow removal, which is why I proposed it as something to do. It was also a bit facetious. I think I’m just looking for things that would get me off the computer and...
I do have some connections in snow removal, which is why I proposed it as something to do. It was also a bit facetious. I think I’m just looking for things that would get me off the computer and into reality. I also have a friend who empties port-a-potties for a living. I think I’d rather plow snow than do that. I know I’m supposed to feel “good” about being a knowledge worker, but all this is what the linked story addresses. My buddy who cleans port-a-potties has got a pretty good attitude all around. That kind of work beats up your body; the work I do beats up my mind.
That's fair, it really comes down to personal preference. I'd much prefer to do waste management (even cleaning portapotties) over snow removal! I'm similarly in a place where I'm slowly starting...
That's fair, it really comes down to personal preference. I'd much prefer to do waste management (even cleaning portapotties) over snow removal!
I'm similarly in a place where I'm slowly starting to think about what my next step will be after doing the office-job-thing. Though it's hopefully a few years out in my case, and still mostly percolating in my subconscious, I remember finding waste management to be a very interesting topic back in my undergrad days (environment/toxicology, completely unrelated to my office work). Who knows, perhaps it is something I'll look into down the line :)
I recently left a senior software development role at one of the big 5 tech companies without a plan. Failures of leadership, pointless projects, cancelled projects, and a "fuck you" in the form...
I recently left a senior software development role at one of the big 5 tech companies without a plan. Failures of leadership, pointless projects, cancelled projects, and a "fuck you" in the form "you did really well this year and we have record profit, but no you can't have a raise" all added up to just needing out.
Being without a plan is so weird though. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I fear turning hobbies I like into work and just sucking all the enjoyment out until they make me miserable and I'm stuck needing to return to corporate life. But it's also hard to self motivate to do something I don't actually enjoy either. Getting stuck in the "work to live" trap feels like the point and it sucks. I envy that you were even able to be out for 7 years at all.
Sadly I also think that what I'd maybe be best suited to actually enjoying contracting is being eroded by AI. One of my strongest skills was rapid prototyping, but not just in the "it visually represents what's needed" and instead in the "here's a working vertical slice." Like I was the guy you'd go to if you needed to show something functional to a client in a week and your team hadn't started yet.
Congratulations on taking the leap. It is both scary and exciting. Given your history, you’ve probably got a bit of money saved. My advice would be to allow your financial cushion to give you the...
Congratulations on taking the leap. It is both scary and exciting. Given your history, you’ve probably got a bit of money saved. My advice would be to allow your financial cushion to give you the space to breathe, but don’t take it for granted. If you don’t need to spend, don’t. But it’s okay to laze around and recover for a bit. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of sloth.
As for worrying about turning a passion into work, and subsequently hating it… well, don’t worry about it. Just try things. Just see what works for you. I had no idea that I was going to fall into writing romance. But early on, when I was entertaining the idea, it seemed to me like it was my ‘ikigai.’ If you’ve never encountered the idea, it’s like the confluence of what you’re good at, what you love, what the world needs, and what you can get paid for. And in a way, I still feel like writing romance is that for me. When I burned out from writing it, it’s because I was doing it wrong. I was hiding from it. I have best friends and family who don’t know my pen name. I couldn’t share my wins with anybody. It was very lonely.
So I think for me to overcome this and turn my passion for writing into a career (second time’s a charm, right?), I have to do it out in the open. That’s hard when you’re writing smut. But you’ve got to put yourself out there. Despite what happened to me, I would never say I regretted taking the leap I did, or turning my passion into a job. Knowing where I am now and how I feel, I think back to those times and realize how lucky I was and what my mistakes were. I want that life back.
Oh, sure. But writing for money is hardly ever a good idea. And u/simplify is already burned out on the genre. So if the writing is the important part, as it is for me, figure out what you want to...
Oh, sure. But writing for money is hardly ever a good idea. And u/simplify is already burned out on the genre. So if the writing is the important part, as it is for me, figure out what you want to write and shape your life around making that possible. Usually that means getting a job that makes you barely enough to live on so you still have the time and energy to devote to the art. I've been doing it that way for over 30 years.
I come from a literary background and have an MFA. But honestly, I would probably return to romance. I would simply do it differently. My previous pen name isn’t something I felt like I could...
I come from a literary background and have an MFA. But honestly, I would probably return to romance. I would simply do it differently. My previous pen name isn’t something I felt like I could share with anybody; I wrote under a female name and my author was as much of a character as any character in my novels. So I had to remain hidden behind the name. If I jumped back into writing, I’d probably write a few novels under my old name to get some money flowing, and then start a new pen name that was more “me.” Sort of a men’s adventure/romance/literary amalgamation. I attempted the switch before, but I didn’t give it enough time to marinate because when I wasn’t writing under my main name, I wasn’t earning.
What’s nice about writing in one of the big genres is that people actually read them. The literary, navel-gazing world I come from has such a small readership. Success in that world is generally limited to people who come from money or have connections. There’s no living to be made there for a working class writer.
With my knowledge of the industry and a more developed sense of what I want, I hope I could craft some sort of author personality and writing style from the start that I wouldn’t mind sharing publicly and also wouldn’t mind being known as, let’s face it, a pornographer.
I’m thinking that if I could figure out the seasonal job hustle, I might be able to make it all work after a few years. But working the 9-5 in an office just isn’t for me. It feels like death. It kills all the inspiration and drive inside of me.
My apologies if it's inappropriate to ask, but do you have any advice/tips for someone hoping to break into romance/erotic writing as a career? My partner recently had an unexpected end to her...
My apologies if it's inappropriate to ask, but do you have any advice/tips for someone hoping to break into romance/erotic writing as a career?
My partner recently had an unexpected end to her academic career and has taken a year to overcome the identity crisis that resulted (and the personal issues that it woke up). She started writing erotic fiction as a hobby and it's...really good. And it comes naturally to her. I love this woman and would like to support her self-reinvention, but I know nothing about making money from writing.
Feel free to decline. I just found it serendipitous to see your comments right when I've been living through this secondhand.
My advice for her is to do some research on the niche/category she wants to write in by looking at the Amazon bestsellers list (Top 100) for that niche, take a look at the bigger authors in that...
Exemplary
My advice for her is to do some research on the niche/category she wants to write in by looking at the Amazon bestsellers list (Top 100) for that niche, take a look at the bigger authors in that niche to see what they're doing, read some of their books, and see if it's a viable moneymaker. If the #1 book in a niche/category is sub-5000 in overall sales rank, there's decent money to be made there. If the #1 book is sub-100 in rank, it's going to be very competitive. Throughout all of this research, keep writing. Treat writing like a job, keep a schedule, try to write 3000-5000 words a day. It's a muscle and you need to work it out.
Writing an on-going series is probably the way to go from the start. It doesn't have to be the same characters every time. One book could be about the cousin of the protagonist from another book. But romance readers love series. My advice on a series would be to write 3 novels in the series and then publish them all at once, making the first one permafree (there are ways to make a book free forever on Amazon) to get readers hooked.
All the money is on Amazon. You pretty much have to be in their Kindle Unlimited program. It pays a fraction of a cent per page read, but fractions add up. The more you write, the more people who read you, the more you will earn. I averaged a novel every 6 weeks or so. There are other ways to do it, like writing longer books, writing in a series as I mentioned, but you need to get your name out there and the easiest way is to put as much content in front of readers as you can.
She should signup for Dirty Discourse; it's a forum for romance writers and there is so much information and support there. I'm not a member anymore, but I was for many years. I can't vouch for it over the last few years, but the admins and moderators always did such a great job, I'm sure it's still thriving. It does cost money, but it is totally worth it. Seriously. Sign up for it and start devouring all the information now. Introduce yourself and contribute what you can. They boot you if you're not active.
Self-publishing is a lot of work. Unless you plan to pay people to do stuff for you, you've got to write, edit, market, do graphic design, and so much more. I did it all myself because I have a unique set of skills. If she (or you) don't have all these skills, you may end up farming things out. Dirty Discourse can help with that as well. Covers are just so important. Readers judge a book by its cover first, blurb second. You need to have alluring, niche-specific covers.
For software, I recommend writing in something like Scrivener to help keep you organized. For layout of ebooks and print books, the absolute best software out there is Vellum. It's amazing. It's Mac-only. But it has no rival with ease of creating ebooks and print books, that if you don't have a Mac I would recommend buying one (older, secondhand, whatever) just to use Vellum. It's that good. Vellum will absolutely make your work look professional. I think not using Vellum is a huge mistake unless you really love laying books out by hand with something like LaTeX. If you don't have a passion for that kind of work, get Vellum. Get Vellum.
You mention erotica, but short-form erotica has been a dead end for making money for almost 10 years. It's all about romance novels (which can be erotic). The readers are voracious, so just write and write and write. I sort of got stuck in a rut of writing 50K word novels, which is about 250 pages. I should have been writing 80-100K word novels. This goes back to the Kindle Unlimited pay-per-page scheme. Readers like longer books, because they are addicted. You can never write enough to satisfy them.
This brain dump should hopefully get you and your partner started. First step is research and Dirty Discourse. And keep writing. Write as much as you can. Good luck!
Thank you for the fantastic and comprehensive reply! She sends her most sincere thanks, and I just keep appreciating my fellow waltzing Ma-tildes more and more! Also, I'm happy to see a Scrivener...
Thank you for the fantastic and comprehensive reply! She sends her most sincere thanks, and I just keep appreciating my fellow waltzing Ma-tildes more and more!
Also, I'm happy to see a Scrivener user. I used it many years ago to write my dissertation and love the features. The publisher once sent me installation keys for a new version based on a decade old purchase of the license. Great software, and I'll just give my copy to my partner, in part because after the dissertation I can't face Scrivener without shutting down mentally. :)
I love writing! I spent plenty of time doing it while fully unemployed and I still have a (paused) ongoing draft right now. Unfortunately I was never able to put enough time into it consecutively...
I want to write again. It’s actually all I’ve ever really wanted to do
I love writing! I spent plenty of time doing it while fully unemployed and I still have a (paused) ongoing draft right now. Unfortunately I was never able to put enough time into it consecutively to get any full novels to a publishable state, but I haven't given up.
I really hope you're able to find a situation that works for you and lets you keep writing. It's a rough occupation right now for all kinds of reasons.
Thank you. I'm taking steps to start writing again, but I haven't started. Work just drains everything out of me. It's true that writing is a tough occupation. Doing it full time for so long...
Thank you. I'm taking steps to start writing again, but I haven't started. Work just drains everything out of me. It's true that writing is a tough occupation. Doing it full time for so long really fried me. But this time around, I hope I'm able to supplement it with part-time work I really enjoy so that I'm not 100% reliant on the variable income that comes with being an artist.
I hope you, too, are able to find more time to work on your writing. My main advice to writers is to kill the inner critic, don't even let it speak. Just try to flip the switch that sends your fingers into auto-pilot and unload as much as you can from your brain whenever you do sit down at the keyboard. You can always fix it later. Once you free yourself from feeling like you need to be perfect, that's when you really begin.
It's refreshing seeing actual discussion on the subject of the article, from people who understand fiction and metaphor, after first seeing the piece on the Orange Site. Most of the comments there...
It's refreshing seeing actual discussion on the subject of the article, from people who understand fiction and metaphor, after first seeing the piece on the Orange Site. Most of the comments there were basically whining about having to read something that didn't just spoon-feed them a dopamine fix immediately.
I don't like how rare it is for people to talk about the stresses and problems of the corporate world, because people write it off with the old "X is so much worse and you're basically rich by comparison" fallacy. (Eat your slimy spinach, because there are starving children in $country.) Abuses are abuses, and if you collect a salary as your primary income, you're still working class. (And we're all criminally underpaid for the expectations and decades of CoL creep.) Drawing lines over the pay scale isn't helping anyone but the people who benefit from eroding labor rights.
I posted on the HN thread as well, but what strikes me most is that when I was younger, I certainly would have related to the ennui expressed in the story. Hell, for my first three years after...
I posted on the HN thread as well, but what strikes me most is that when I was younger, I certainly would have related to the ennui expressed in the story. Hell, for my first three years after college, literally nothing I worked on ever shipped, as the companies would either go out of business, get sold, or change directions, leaving my work irrelevant.
It was so maddening that I quit working for companies entirely, and struck out on my own.
Now, 30+ years later? I'm tired. I've been able to support myself, but don't really earn enough, especially after taking care of my parents + an ugly lawsuit after they both passed drained all my savings. My support network is threadbare. I've had to work exceedingly dangerous and unhealthy jobs at times to get by. (I was a shipyard welder for a couple of years after the first .com crash. Genuinely enjoyed the work, but the (literal) toxic work environment did some real long-term damage to my health.)
I know for a fact I would be able to take the stomach-punching job without so much as a whit of existential anything, because I've already had to do much worse for a lot less.
Still excellent writing, but I can no longer relate to it.
Ultimately what's infuriating is that society is set up in such a way that this may be the most attractive option to a lot of people. You're still being abused and your work is still pointless,...
I know for a fact I would be able to take the stomach-punching job without so much as a whit of existential anything, because I've already had to do much worse for a lot less.
Ultimately what's infuriating is that society is set up in such a way that this may be the most attractive option to a lot of people. You're still being abused and your work is still pointless, but I suspect that as a human being you'd have plenty to contribute that doesn't require going through that or destroying your health in the shipyard. Almost everyone does.
When I started working I went through a period in which I realized the jobs of several of the people I interacted with would be exceedingly easy for me to replace with software - not only would literal children be able to do those jobs, they'd probably do them better.
Later (but not that much later), I realized that these companies' inefficiencies exist as a consequence of society needing to make room for people to subsist at all. Maybe the lady whose job was to update an excel spreadsheet and who spent ninety percent of her day on gossiping and Facebook had elderly parents to take care of, or kids, or a loan to repay. If she lost her job, what was she supposed to do about that? No wonder everyone hated that management wanted them to learn to use my more efficient tools (I worked on internal tooling). The company had to resist process optimization, which meant it had to be a more frustrating, soul-crushing place to work in that it would otherwise be.
I think this equilibrium can only happen as long as no one is "paying attention." Thanks to social dynamics, the individual people won't easily get fired. But when the company needs to show results, department heads are pressured to improve efficiency. Cue cost cutting, or sometimes the whole department being disbanded and most of the staff laid off at the same time...
I'm younger and fortunately have never worked dangerous jobs. But I also struggled to relate. Maybe it's because I'm hung up on the fact that the narrator has the entire day (after getting...
I'm younger and fortunately have never worked dangerous jobs. But I also struggled to relate.
Maybe it's because I'm hung up on the fact that the narrator has the entire day (after getting punched) to do whatever he wants. It would be different if, for instance, he was forced to spend 8 hours pretending to look busy. That would be boring and mentally draining, and he would be wasting most of his life (almost 1/3, with the other 1/3 sleeping, and the remainder including commute, getting dressed, housekeeping, etc.)
But OP could wake up, get punched, then spend the rest of the day working on the hobbies, etc. that he feels deprived of. If he feels it's not fair that they're paying him to do nothing, he can spend his ample free time volunteering and donate the part of his salary that he doesn't need. If he feels Chris is taking advantage of him, can he re-frame it as "the company is paying me an absurd amount of money, all for the privilege of punching me five days a week"?
Thank you for commenting. I feel pretty much the same as you. Yes, I get it, the whole thing is a metaphor, but... It reads like a metaphor written for an audience who have never known what it was...
Thank you for commenting. I feel pretty much the same as you. Yes, I get it, the whole thing is a metaphor, but...
It reads like a metaphor written for an audience who have never known what it was like to genuinely wonder where shelter and your next meal is coming from. Those kinds of concerns dispel ennui pretty quick. The narrator has the internal depth of a dial tone, and I'd have been more sympathetic to him if he'd shown any spark of anything. As it is, it reads like the pain of someone so sheltered from life that the fact that they have to make their own meaning comes as a complete shock. The more I think about it, the more I dislike him. And again, yes, I understand he was written that way on purpose. The story makes his non-agency explicit.
Well that was just the perfect read for a slow workday on which nothing substantial got done... Even though I've made the realization quickly in my life that i can absolutely not stand working in...
Well that was just the perfect read for a slow workday on which nothing substantial got done...
Even though I've made the realization quickly in my life that i can absolutely not stand working in a corporate environment, working in the IT sector just has a way of grinding you (me) down like that and I still burned out and it pretty much felt exactly as described in the text. Really uncannily accurate.
Ahead of you, a stretch of road that winds through the rest of your life. One foot in front of the other, you embark
Didn't notice the very long read tag, but I read through to the end on an impromptu day off from my office-type job. Even though I generally don't hate my job and it's usually pretty measured in...
Didn't notice the very long read tag, but I read through to the end on an impromptu day off from my office-type job.
Even though I generally don't hate my job and it's usually pretty measured in what it asks of me (outside of periodic shitty projects like one right now), I laughed (with conflicting feelings) at how many of the little details were relateable. The inane kudos board, the fancy huge entrance with confusing smart elevators, the insufferable performance goals and reviews. Gosh, I even went to uni with a JR, wonder what he's up to now?
The HN thread posted elsewhere has a comment that the best jobs are the medium pay/medium expectations jobs. I think I'm lucky to be more or less there at the moment, where I can set boundaries for myself (in fact have a manager who actively encourages it), and so can mostly roll my eyes at the BS. Even still, I've had thoughts about moving on, searching for 'better' work for no good reason other than because I could. Now I'm of the mind that I'd like to keep this stability for hopefully a few more years while my partner navigates a career change, and while I plan a next step, whatever it may be.
I've turned down a couple of opportunities that would have been better paying/better growth ultimately because I sensed I'd lose enough of my boundaries/balance that it would impact me. In one case, it would have been in the same department, but under a manager who immediately came to mind in the descriptions of Chris. The people who floated the recommendation were shocked when I turnedit down, but what could I say? Youre awesome but your director is an asshole? Someone who punched down and made his team anxious and stressed, but played the 'I'm cool' attitude.
On that note, I'll end my meandering with the quote that made me laugh-out-loud the most:
...We’re trying to get all of you some more mon-ayyy.” He [Chris] could’ve said ‘money’ like an adult, but we all make our choices in life.
I do struggle not to pick up too much corporate speak, but I will do my absolute best never to sing the praises of mon-ayyy like this.
I hate how much I relate to this. I’m in my late 20’s, working a tech job I got right out of college, luckily just before COVID hit. For a bit I worked in the office but had no direct co-workers I...
I hate how much I relate to this.
I’m in my late 20’s, working a tech job I got right out of college, luckily just before COVID hit. For a bit I worked in the office but had no direct co-workers I interacted with, except for the on-site coffee shop barista (who got to the point she recognized me and would get my coffee ready when she saw me walking over from the stairs).
But then I switched to fully remote work (which is extremely nice, don’t get me wrong - but I miss even the small interactions with others, like the barista (or the receptionist in this tale)).
My work is certainly more “meaningful” than getting punched in the stomach, but not in ways that are immediately apparent, so it doesn’t really feel “meaningful.”
I’d look around for other jobs, but at this point I’m just feeling fortunate that I have one that allows me to support my wife who’s working towards her Ph.D (but in a field that’s in the process of being absolutely gutted by the US Fed Gov right now, so…yay).
Realistically, I need to find myself a hobby that gets me out of the house and interacting with other people - that’s what I feel I’m missing, but the hobbies I’m enjoying are very “individual”: currently working on making a game in Godot (which is actually enjoyable programming as opposed to my dev-ops focused work right now), woodworking (trying to get started again but don’t have a space for it really, so waiting for summer to use our apartment balcony for kumiko), and board games (but don’t have a lot of local friends with regular availability). I used to play D&D, but I’m on a 3 hour time zone difference from most of the friends I played with, which makes it nearly impossible to schedule for after work (and weekends are still difficult to find time that works for everyone).
Sorry for the long rant, this article/blog post just clearly hit me & I felt the need to air some of these thoughts I guess.
I really appreciated the various ways in which this story conveyed how much of what the company does is pointless bloat; a dysfunctional mess of mismanaged departments rife with processual dead...
My work is certainly more “meaningful” than getting punched in the stomach, but not in ways that are immediately apparent, so it doesn’t really feel “meaningful.”
I really appreciated the various ways in which this story conveyed how much of what the company does is pointless bloat; a dysfunctional mess of mismanaged departments rife with processual dead ends and endemic miscommunication. Even though some of the characters are fulfilled by their jobs, it's clear when you take a step back that the sum of the output of all employees doesn't amount to that much that's of real use.
The narrator gives us several clues that imply the company isn't doing well financially, and we know this might eventually have all kinds of impact on the lives of the people working there, but is there any correlation between what they do and the graphics on the screens? Could any of them save their jobs through working more, better or smarter? Certainly not. It's more likely - and here I'm stepping outside the story - that all that truly matters are investor decisions and external market forces. If you're in a situation in which your work has real impact, you're probably doing better than most of the cogs in these structures!
Your hobbies sound nice. Sorry you're having trouble reaching other people who enjoy them. What timezone are you in?
Thanks for the Sometimes I do lose sight of that. I'm in the US Eastern Time Zone. And currently trying to find time to actually do my hobbies rather than doomscrolling the internet feeds, hah.
Thanks for the
If you're in a situation in which your work has real impact, you're probably doing better than most of the cogs in these structures!
Sometimes I do lose sight of that.
I'm in the US Eastern Time Zone. And currently trying to find time to actually do my hobbies rather than doomscrolling the internet feeds, hah.
Reading response comments from a middle aged, extremely jaded tech worker. I've been not-hired after a few interviews like that No point getting excited yet. What's the probation time till...
Reading response comments from a middle aged, extremely jaded tech worker.
[the interview] for some reason, is basically cake.
I've been not-hired after a few interviews like that
No point getting excited yet.
Benefits binder
What's the probation time till benefits? What's the severance? Almost nothing in the package matters unless the pay is so crazy good I can provide my own runway for when layoffs come.
There’s also a one-year cliff where you won’t get squat if you leave during the first twelve months.
Ahh There's the catch. [End of story comment] I wish "you" had had it together enough to go to an employment lawyer before abruptly quitting. "You" could have leveraged the "unlimited" time off into make it a full year with everything fully vested.
Jon: “I love doing this. Really, it’s been my dream job.”
There we go! Jon's got the right attitude! And the far superior job. He shouldnt feel like if he wasn't paid he was still gonna do it, though, that part is weird and cultish. Now if his work was remote that would also be my dream job. Why wouldn't it? I still struggle with why "you" felt any guilt exchanging blows for pay and feeling like there should be more meaning.
Kudos board ...SMART...
Haha. Yes.... I agree with how "you" felt about those.
This is, by no small margin, the most expensive cab ride you have ever taken .... “Oh, by the way,” “I had to reject that expense reimbursement
Yup this is more of what I had expected. I'm surprised the company rug pull came so late into the game. Everything had been so pleasant and upfront until this point. No biggie, file it away for when you leave the job and get your lawyer to get it back. Or get equivalent time off in lieu. Chris is playing the game, you play the game too.
Overall, a shame it ended this way. There were some very real health effects suffered by "You", and the very generous package would no doubt offered ways of renegotiating job duties due to injury and stress. Make them PIP "you", don't quit. Again, employment lawyer.
feeling a very real stress and anxiety that the whole thing was just a hair’s breadth away from collapsing and taking you down with it, all while quietly suffering abuse
This is the statement I most identified with over this long story. I doubt most of us were paid anything like good to suffer. Most work places work very hard to instill stress and anxiety. I'm surprised throughout that Chris never berated "you", or how many people applied for this position, or repeated how well paid and how many people would love this job, or how much the company is scrutinizing or how precarious everything is. Aside from the punch this is a dream job. I'll take the toner one, or any of their jobs (if I could work remotely).
But perhaps I'm the wrong crowd. I don't derive meaning from my job, that's what the rest of my time is for.
I normally don't read these long articles because I usually have something better to do. But today, my job is slow, so I read it all. And then I started to relate to it. Clearly, "getting punched...
I normally don't read these long articles because I usually have something better to do. But today, my job is slow, so I read it all. And then I started to relate to it. Clearly, "getting punched in the stomach" is a metaphor for doing something you don't enjoy at your job, but it worked so well in regards to explaining physical issues that arise from doing work you despise.
I'm in a weird place where I don't love my work, it pays extraordinarily well, and I can do it just fine. But without that "fulfillment" piece, I'm not as happy as I feel I should be. I used to think "the dream" was getting paid like Bighead in Silicon Valley for doing nothing, but yet each job I get usually ends up that way and I eventually drift into ennui and dissatisfaction. A new job, thus far, doesn't seem to do it for me. I don't know how to fix this cycle.
I thought it was interesting that the narrator in the story mentions a spouse exactly once in regards to getting benefits after quitting.
The three or four times something related to a spouse came up (said something about getting married halfway-ish through, then mentioned in-laws a couple times) were jarring to me in that the...
The three or four times something related to a spouse came up (said something about getting married halfway-ish through, then mentioned in-laws a couple times) were jarring to me in that the narrator never speaks to, makes decisions with, or lives in any way that makes me think they actually have a spouse. It was almost like the spouse was only there to provide health insurance after quitting.
Or it was a conscious decision by the author to make the narrator appear distant from their spouse or distant from personal relationships in general. At one job I worked at, my manager (who was a...
Or it was a conscious decision by the author to make the narrator appear distant from their spouse or distant from personal relationships in general.
At one job I worked at, my manager (who was a partner) admitted to me that he hated being at our main client because they were so demanding of him, he hated being in the office because of stress and fighting with other partners, and he hated being at home because his relationship with his wife was basically dead. He had no place to be.
Plausible, though the descriptions of distant relationships with a variety of different coworkers from different jobs makes me think a comment about the distance from the spouse would have also...
Plausible, though the descriptions of distant relationships with a variety of different coworkers from different jobs makes me think a comment about the distance from the spouse would have also been mentioned. I say jarring because it took me out every time, almost like tacked on information that wound up making me feel like I needed to go back and reread something I missed.
Absolutely fair. I found myself wondering at times, as well. I guess I’m trained to feel absence has specific meaning in fiction, but it could just be shoddy storytelling. I’m a shoddy storyteller...
Absolutely fair. I found myself wondering at times, as well. I guess I’m trained to feel absence has specific meaning in fiction, but it could just be shoddy storytelling. I’m a shoddy storyteller myself, so I should be able to sniff it out. I think my main complaint was that the story was too longwinded and really went hard at places it didn’t need to. I’m still thinking about it hours later, so that’s good at least.
Ultimately, I’m thinking it was a very insular story about the narrator’s experience, and being told in second person is an attempt to force the reader into it in a way to make it feel specifically personal, like we’re living it ourselves. So maybe it’s an “all in your head” kind of thing. And that makes me feel the absence of any spousal interaction is even more meaningful.
Though now that I think about it, there were times when the narrator referenced personal things that came out of nowhere and it was jarring. But that jarring-ness was interesting because it came out of nowhere and we had no frame of reference for it. The entire story was about work and an allegory for the modern white-collar condition. It’s an obsession with work. So life outside of work is maybe… not as important? I’m not sure yet. I’m still thinking about it.
I think it's a bit of a contorted effort to make the Second person narration resonate better with single tech workers. The piece itself is a long exposition on the Golden Handcuffs, and many of...
I think it's a bit of a contorted effort to make the Second person narration resonate better with single tech workers. The piece itself is a long exposition on the Golden Handcuffs, and many of the readers probably couldn't identity as well if the narrator has a loving spouse and any sort of life outside of being punched.
What a read. And man, I'm terrified of graduating. I'm studying in the IT field too (like a lot of other people here seemingly). I love what I study, and I love making projects here and there. But...
What a read.
And man, I'm terrified of graduating. I'm studying in the IT field too (like a lot of other people here seemingly). I love what I study, and I love making projects here and there. But I've only ever had "real work" experience once, and it was at a small local company. It was a 6 month internship where I was mostly left to my own devices - I was told what to do, and I did it.
But what I did in those 6 months just felt like the most maddeningly useless and counter-productive projects I've ever done. I maximized my break times. I took long walks (the office was in a good location) around the area, dragging myself in at the last minute of my designated time. I barely talked to anyone around me - I was a phantom who only manifested at the mandatory end-week friday meeting.
At the end of the 6 months, my supervisor told me I did a great job. He gifted me a book (that I admittedly never read - wasn't my thing), and wrote me a cheque worth another whole month of what I was getting. Yea, I was happy. But what did I do?
I look at the long tirades I messaged my friends. They were ugly. I just felt so unfulfilled doing useless work. I told myself, "I'm going to work at a company that brings positive social change next time". But hell, I don't know if I can. The job market is scary as hell, and can I even keep up?
You, who time and time again sat around waiting for the world to tell you what you were supposed to do at every given moment, spelled out in big bright letters.
I read the whole thing. It made me feel better about myself, really.
(Warning: I think this comment may be triggering or offensive to some people? Probably only one or the other.)
During my brief (well, years, but it felt brief to me?) stint in the corporate world, I never had "my own" desk. When I was placed at the bleeding ISP, I often had to share a one person desk with someone else. My badge was temporary and impersonal. I worked on some projects that were largely meaningless, and had coworkers whose jobs were pointless.
Any earnest attempt at improving processes was met with outright hostility from people in other departments - being new to the grind, I did not understand that that was not what anyone was there for. There were long mandatory meetings where people whose job was unrelated to mine went on at length about projects I didn't know about and had no creative control over. They stopped inviting me after I fell asleep at one, and I didn't go unprompted.
When I look back at those years, I feel much like the author of this article. Who am I to complain? None of the work I did required intense physical labor, and my output seemed to meet expectations. I was better paid than most people in this country and appreciated by my employer. Most people are happy to do this shit for forty years. For years after "burning out" I felt like a quitter and a failure. I studied long and hard to do these jobs. Like everyone else, I have bills to pay. Was it really so bad that I was willing to throw away my whole career?
I've always had an aversion to wasting time on stupid shit. I'm a productive person (I think?) I have a myriad interests, and am always juggling a few different personal projects. Full-time, I don't have enough time to do everything I want to. At this job, I was the first to leave on most days; no one could complain because I was also the first one there (the commute was ridiculous - up to 3 hours per day back and forth - and there's no way I was going to waste more time stuck in traffic than I absolutely had to). But like the author, I found that time gains didn't necessarily translate into doing anything else, because - in my case - not only did I have limited mental bandwidth, I had to unconsciously train myself to avoid any hobbies that might crush the illusion that my job was in any way interesting or engaging.
Eventually I requested placement elsewhere as a consultant, but things never really improved. I'm not going to delve too much into the people - the author did that for me - but I'm pretty sure some of my work acquaintances were zombies or energy vampires. I started losing sleep and became tired all the time. I lost the ability to focus and perceive software architecture and algorithms. I was pretty happy and relieved when I quit (much like the narrator, I've never been fired) but still tormented by the unsustainability of my situation, unemployed and without "real" responsible adult plans for the future.
I only found a kind of peace when I realized that, yes, I'd rather starve to death than play that stupid game for the rest of my life. It was an epiphany. Living like that would conceivably be the largest imaginable scale betrayal of my core values. Why be a miserable zombie until retirement age, for the dubious benefit of being free for however few years I survive as an elderly person? I'd rather skip the whole being miserable part. I'm positive I'm healthier now than I'll be at 70. I can accomplish more now and enjoy life more now. It's simple math.
(Do keep in mind that most of the world can't retire as early as a ridiculously overinflated Silicon Valley salary might allow. Though honestly, in a developed nation, assuming no serious wars or natural catastrophes, I'd probably survive anyway.)
Even now, as I write it, I still feel like an impostor, a whiney pampered first world office worker who doesn't know how good he has it. But to my faint surprise this mindset has actually been helping... probably a lot? For years I used to quickly spiral into a panic when I tried to work on a programming project, but I've been a lot better lately, and can program again.
I currently have some ways to make money as a contractor, which seem safe in the long run. I don't apply for any full time jobs I'm not genuinely interested in, and haven't gotten the few I've applied for. I won't be doing any demeaning interviews or sucking up to the impersonal hiring processes of large corporations, and I'm not interested in mandatory office posturing and abuse. I also don't care about earning a lot, though, so that should help!
Do you have any advice for people in a similar situation? Before working as an employee I did some software consulting for a few years but now it feels like a whole new ball game and I'm not sure how to start again.
Like the narrator, I've been living off savings for some time. I focused on my personal interests. Eventually some opportunities were presented to me in connection to some of those interests. So I guess my (terrible) advice as a whiny impostor is to quit your job without a plan and try to be happy instead of worrying about the future. The kind of thing that's much easier if you have decided that doing that kind of job is absolutely not an option (which is itself easier if you don't have a family depending on you to be fed).
I suppose if you have savings you should probably start an investment portfolio. Be frugal as long as you don't have a source of income.
Just adding on to your second sentence: be willing to be uncomfortable. Which is implied with the “that kind of job is absolutely not an option”, but I think is worth stating outright
At least in America, I feel like so many people try to live their lives only in comfort. I believe “not being uncomfortable” is very much a variable in American thinking even though it’s something that holds one back massively
It will not be any kind of smooth transition regardless of planning and all that, so gotta understand the goal is “independency” (or your choice of word) and not “forever comfortable”
Sometimes the only way to take a step forward is two steps back first
(And also yes this is not really a comment towards someone who has dependents)
This is basically what I did at the end of last year. But it wasn't really because I had imposter syndrome so much as it was giving me actual mental issues from the impossiblity of what was being asked of me, especially for wages that were only just barely higher than minimum wage.
I am lucky in that I have very few expenses but I don't think that I would have been able to take the leap if not for my grandmother's death and her leaving behind some money for me. I have managed to avoid touching it so far, but my car insurance renewal is coming up shortly, I pay for the year in advance (to avoid financing fees), and the state has since doubled or tripled the amount of minimum coverage.
Right now I am doing the independant contractor thing as a teacher, working on teaching young kids how to code, but I don't think it's a career (I don't have the degree to become accredited for public school), and though I am making more money per hour than I ever have, i'm not getting enough hours to match what I was making before.
Yes, absolutely. My actual coworker friends always said I had impostor sindrome, but in this case I mean that it's hard to feel like this is a real thing and that I'm not lazy or imagining it, when so many people don't feel like this at all.
When I wrote I was better paid than most people, that should have come with a big asterisk. Almost everyone in Portugal is paid very close to minimum wage, especially after the very heavy income taxes and social security contributions.
Exactly my situation right now! But I'm extremely happy working part time and having time to do various other things, as long as it pays the bills.
That sounds lovely! I wouldn't hate doing that myself. Now whether I'd be any good at it, that's a different matter.
When the narrator lists four jobs no one would want to do, my immediate thought was that in a serious pinch I'd probably be willing to try two of those. Better than getting punched in the stomach for sure!
Unfortunately right now I am wondering if I’m in bed with another evil corporation because literally yesterday they reached out to the staff to see if anyone is interested in teaching a class on making a Shopify store with AI assets and run by drop shipping. But other than that I feel that my time is spent well on something that is helpful.
Trust me you aren’t alone; I dropped out of high school in ‘03 because I could see it in all the adults around me and why the fuck would I choose that life (and why would I want to stay here for two more years when I don’t even want that life)
(And honestly dropping out and getting my GED is one of the things I’m happiest I’ve done in my life - there really isn’t a difference between a hs diploma (just can’t go into military or a university [gotta get AA at a college first]).)
Now I do have a compsci degree and worked for a few years to pay it off and such. And yeah. It’s fucking horrible. Hell I had actually worked with my boss to go down to a part time employee (not often you get that as a software developer) less than a year I had even started my job because I just couldn’t anymore.
Then COVID happened right after and remote work was better, only reason it lasted years. But it’s still horrendous way to live life in my opinion. Giving up your autonomy to another so that they can make their own life better at your expense. Fuck that. So starting my own business now (which was the whole reason I went back to school in the first place and got a CS degree. Well, that and I love learning and programming)
And I’m praying it works out because reiterating story/thread/all god is the interview gauntlet horrendous
I agree that it’s important to evaluate your corporate relationships and the balance, but isn’t this the nature of basically all mutually beneficial relationships? If you are going to rely on some entity for some value then it’s reasonable to be relied upon. In other words It sure sucks to be married to the wrong person, but that doesn’t mean marriage is bad.
A marriage should be mutual, one should not make their own life better at the expense of their spouse. I don't disagree that's how marriage is for a lot of people (hence all the divorce), but that's a different topic.
I keep relationships limited (not just romantic) because my experience is most people want relationships to take use of people. Capitalistic jobs (not work) is one of those. I try to only build relationships with those that are about being mutual beneficiaries
But yes, it's impossible to live life without having to have some kind of relationship like that. That doesn't change the fact you can do whatever you can to limit or leave them, eg divorcing bad marriages
If it’s a mutual benefit party, and the other party comes into a windfall from it that you are ignorant of, would they share it with you or hide it from you? Those that share are the proper people to maintain, those that don’t aren’t.
A capitalistic job isn’t hiding the windfall from you, they’re expressly telling you they will keep it for themselves. So not only are they in the “aren’t” group, they’re telling on themselves that they aren’t
Hence making my own capital
Edit: some expansion
That’s a fiction about how some jobs in some large (mostly tech) companies can feel. It’s well written in my opinion, giving vibes of Black Mirror and Severance.
I was discussed on HN also.
A long read, but worth the investment. Thanks for sharing! Resonated with me deeply even in "medium" tech companies.
About 10 years ago I blew up my career in IT and quit without a plan. I ended up writing romance novels for 7 years. Most of the time, I loved it. But eventually I burned out from the necessary output to stay afloat financially. After deciding to quit writing, and after spending some time sharpening my programming skills, I landed in a software development job through a bit of luck. Now it’s been 3 years and I’m just miserable again. It’s not that the work is hard (it’s not), and it’s not that the job is that bad (well…), the problem is that it feels so pointless.
I’m middle aged now. If I blow this up again, I may not be able to get back into tech. But maybe that’s a good thing. I want to write again. It’s actually all I’ve ever really wanted to do, and I lived that blessed artist’s life for 7 years. It was hard, but it was rewarding. I have a friend who’s a biologist and throughout the summer he’s away on trips doing field work. They always need people in the summer. So, provided the current administration doesn’t mess with their government contracts, I think I might just become a field biologist this summer. And also write. And then maybe in the winter I’ll learn how to plow snow.
I don’t know. But working in a corporate office just feels like an enormous waste of my life. I understand the idea of “work to live” but that’s never worked for me. It feels like a trap.
I realize this isn't the main point of your post and are likely being a bit facetious, but snow removal is utterly miserable work. My partner did it for a winter (though not the plow driver, which I'd guess would be less aful). Neither of us are shy to manual labour, but he was called out in the worst, coldest, wettest weather, and at all hours - but usually over night. To each their own, yet among all possible manual/physical/seasonal jobs out there, snow removal is one of the ones I'd be least interested in, personally.
I do have some connections in snow removal, which is why I proposed it as something to do. It was also a bit facetious. I think I’m just looking for things that would get me off the computer and into reality. I also have a friend who empties port-a-potties for a living. I think I’d rather plow snow than do that. I know I’m supposed to feel “good” about being a knowledge worker, but all this is what the linked story addresses. My buddy who cleans port-a-potties has got a pretty good attitude all around. That kind of work beats up your body; the work I do beats up my mind.
That's fair, it really comes down to personal preference. I'd much prefer to do waste management (even cleaning portapotties) over snow removal!
I'm similarly in a place where I'm slowly starting to think about what my next step will be after doing the office-job-thing. Though it's hopefully a few years out in my case, and still mostly percolating in my subconscious, I remember finding waste management to be a very interesting topic back in my undergrad days (environment/toxicology, completely unrelated to my office work). Who knows, perhaps it is something I'll look into down the line :)
I recently left a senior software development role at one of the big 5 tech companies without a plan. Failures of leadership, pointless projects, cancelled projects, and a "fuck you" in the form "you did really well this year and we have record profit, but no you can't have a raise" all added up to just needing out.
Being without a plan is so weird though. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I fear turning hobbies I like into work and just sucking all the enjoyment out until they make me miserable and I'm stuck needing to return to corporate life. But it's also hard to self motivate to do something I don't actually enjoy either. Getting stuck in the "work to live" trap feels like the point and it sucks. I envy that you were even able to be out for 7 years at all.
Sadly I also think that what I'd maybe be best suited to actually enjoying contracting is being eroded by AI. One of my strongest skills was rapid prototyping, but not just in the "it visually represents what's needed" and instead in the "here's a working vertical slice." Like I was the guy you'd go to if you needed to show something functional to a client in a week and your team hadn't started yet.
Congratulations on taking the leap. It is both scary and exciting. Given your history, you’ve probably got a bit of money saved. My advice would be to allow your financial cushion to give you the space to breathe, but don’t take it for granted. If you don’t need to spend, don’t. But it’s okay to laze around and recover for a bit. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of sloth.
As for worrying about turning a passion into work, and subsequently hating it… well, don’t worry about it. Just try things. Just see what works for you. I had no idea that I was going to fall into writing romance. But early on, when I was entertaining the idea, it seemed to me like it was my ‘ikigai.’ If you’ve never encountered the idea, it’s like the confluence of what you’re good at, what you love, what the world needs, and what you can get paid for. And in a way, I still feel like writing romance is that for me. When I burned out from writing it, it’s because I was doing it wrong. I was hiding from it. I have best friends and family who don’t know my pen name. I couldn’t share my wins with anybody. It was very lonely.
So I think for me to overcome this and turn my passion for writing into a career (second time’s a charm, right?), I have to do it out in the open. That’s hard when you’re writing smut. But you’ve got to put yourself out there. Despite what happened to me, I would never say I regretted taking the leap I did, or turning my passion into a job. Knowing where I am now and how I feel, I think back to those times and realize how lucky I was and what my mistakes were. I want that life back.
Sounds like romance novels aren’t what you really want to write. What kind of writing do you really want to do?
The problem is that romance is the only genre that provides anything close to a reasonable expectation of a paycheck these days.
Oh, sure. But writing for money is hardly ever a good idea. And u/simplify is already burned out on the genre. So if the writing is the important part, as it is for me, figure out what you want to write and shape your life around making that possible. Usually that means getting a job that makes you barely enough to live on so you still have the time and energy to devote to the art. I've been doing it that way for over 30 years.
I come from a literary background and have an MFA. But honestly, I would probably return to romance. I would simply do it differently. My previous pen name isn’t something I felt like I could share with anybody; I wrote under a female name and my author was as much of a character as any character in my novels. So I had to remain hidden behind the name. If I jumped back into writing, I’d probably write a few novels under my old name to get some money flowing, and then start a new pen name that was more “me.” Sort of a men’s adventure/romance/literary amalgamation. I attempted the switch before, but I didn’t give it enough time to marinate because when I wasn’t writing under my main name, I wasn’t earning.
What’s nice about writing in one of the big genres is that people actually read them. The literary, navel-gazing world I come from has such a small readership. Success in that world is generally limited to people who come from money or have connections. There’s no living to be made there for a working class writer.
With my knowledge of the industry and a more developed sense of what I want, I hope I could craft some sort of author personality and writing style from the start that I wouldn’t mind sharing publicly and also wouldn’t mind being known as, let’s face it, a pornographer.
I’m thinking that if I could figure out the seasonal job hustle, I might be able to make it all work after a few years. But working the 9-5 in an office just isn’t for me. It feels like death. It kills all the inspiration and drive inside of me.
My apologies if it's inappropriate to ask, but do you have any advice/tips for someone hoping to break into romance/erotic writing as a career?
My partner recently had an unexpected end to her academic career and has taken a year to overcome the identity crisis that resulted (and the personal issues that it woke up). She started writing erotic fiction as a hobby and it's...really good. And it comes naturally to her. I love this woman and would like to support her self-reinvention, but I know nothing about making money from writing.
Feel free to decline. I just found it serendipitous to see your comments right when I've been living through this secondhand.
My advice for her is to do some research on the niche/category she wants to write in by looking at the Amazon bestsellers list (Top 100) for that niche, take a look at the bigger authors in that niche to see what they're doing, read some of their books, and see if it's a viable moneymaker. If the #1 book in a niche/category is sub-5000 in overall sales rank, there's decent money to be made there. If the #1 book is sub-100 in rank, it's going to be very competitive. Throughout all of this research, keep writing. Treat writing like a job, keep a schedule, try to write 3000-5000 words a day. It's a muscle and you need to work it out.
Writing an on-going series is probably the way to go from the start. It doesn't have to be the same characters every time. One book could be about the cousin of the protagonist from another book. But romance readers love series. My advice on a series would be to write 3 novels in the series and then publish them all at once, making the first one permafree (there are ways to make a book free forever on Amazon) to get readers hooked.
All the money is on Amazon. You pretty much have to be in their Kindle Unlimited program. It pays a fraction of a cent per page read, but fractions add up. The more you write, the more people who read you, the more you will earn. I averaged a novel every 6 weeks or so. There are other ways to do it, like writing longer books, writing in a series as I mentioned, but you need to get your name out there and the easiest way is to put as much content in front of readers as you can.
She should signup for Dirty Discourse; it's a forum for romance writers and there is so much information and support there. I'm not a member anymore, but I was for many years. I can't vouch for it over the last few years, but the admins and moderators always did such a great job, I'm sure it's still thriving. It does cost money, but it is totally worth it. Seriously. Sign up for it and start devouring all the information now. Introduce yourself and contribute what you can. They boot you if you're not active.
Self-publishing is a lot of work. Unless you plan to pay people to do stuff for you, you've got to write, edit, market, do graphic design, and so much more. I did it all myself because I have a unique set of skills. If she (or you) don't have all these skills, you may end up farming things out. Dirty Discourse can help with that as well. Covers are just so important. Readers judge a book by its cover first, blurb second. You need to have alluring, niche-specific covers.
For software, I recommend writing in something like Scrivener to help keep you organized. For layout of ebooks and print books, the absolute best software out there is Vellum. It's amazing. It's Mac-only. But it has no rival with ease of creating ebooks and print books, that if you don't have a Mac I would recommend buying one (older, secondhand, whatever) just to use Vellum. It's that good. Vellum will absolutely make your work look professional. I think not using Vellum is a huge mistake unless you really love laying books out by hand with something like LaTeX. If you don't have a passion for that kind of work, get Vellum. Get Vellum.
You mention erotica, but short-form erotica has been a dead end for making money for almost 10 years. It's all about romance novels (which can be erotic). The readers are voracious, so just write and write and write. I sort of got stuck in a rut of writing 50K word novels, which is about 250 pages. I should have been writing 80-100K word novels. This goes back to the Kindle Unlimited pay-per-page scheme. Readers like longer books, because they are addicted. You can never write enough to satisfy them.
This brain dump should hopefully get you and your partner started. First step is research and Dirty Discourse. And keep writing. Write as much as you can. Good luck!
Thank you for the fantastic and comprehensive reply! She sends her most sincere thanks, and I just keep appreciating my fellow waltzing Ma-tildes more and more!
Also, I'm happy to see a Scrivener user. I used it many years ago to write my dissertation and love the features. The publisher once sent me installation keys for a new version based on a decade old purchase of the license. Great software, and I'll just give my copy to my partner, in part because after the dissertation I can't face Scrivener without shutting down mentally. :)
I love writing! I spent plenty of time doing it while fully unemployed and I still have a (paused) ongoing draft right now. Unfortunately I was never able to put enough time into it consecutively to get any full novels to a publishable state, but I haven't given up.
I really hope you're able to find a situation that works for you and lets you keep writing. It's a rough occupation right now for all kinds of reasons.
Thank you. I'm taking steps to start writing again, but I haven't started. Work just drains everything out of me. It's true that writing is a tough occupation. Doing it full time for so long really fried me. But this time around, I hope I'm able to supplement it with part-time work I really enjoy so that I'm not 100% reliant on the variable income that comes with being an artist.
I hope you, too, are able to find more time to work on your writing. My main advice to writers is to kill the inner critic, don't even let it speak. Just try to flip the switch that sends your fingers into auto-pilot and unload as much as you can from your brain whenever you do sit down at the keyboard. You can always fix it later. Once you free yourself from feeling like you need to be perfect, that's when you really begin.
It's refreshing seeing actual discussion on the subject of the article, from people who understand fiction and metaphor, after first seeing the piece on the Orange Site. Most of the comments there were basically whining about having to read something that didn't just spoon-feed them a dopamine fix immediately.
I don't like how rare it is for people to talk about the stresses and problems of the corporate world, because people write it off with the old "X is so much worse and you're basically rich by comparison" fallacy. (Eat your slimy spinach, because there are starving children in $country.) Abuses are abuses, and if you collect a salary as your primary income, you're still working class. (And we're all criminally underpaid for the expectations and decades of CoL creep.) Drawing lines over the pay scale isn't helping anyone but the people who benefit from eroding labor rights.
I posted on the HN thread as well, but what strikes me most is that when I was younger, I certainly would have related to the ennui expressed in the story. Hell, for my first three years after college, literally nothing I worked on ever shipped, as the companies would either go out of business, get sold, or change directions, leaving my work irrelevant.
It was so maddening that I quit working for companies entirely, and struck out on my own.
Now, 30+ years later? I'm tired. I've been able to support myself, but don't really earn enough, especially after taking care of my parents + an ugly lawsuit after they both passed drained all my savings. My support network is threadbare. I've had to work exceedingly dangerous and unhealthy jobs at times to get by. (I was a shipyard welder for a couple of years after the first .com crash. Genuinely enjoyed the work, but the (literal) toxic work environment did some real long-term damage to my health.)
I know for a fact I would be able to take the stomach-punching job without so much as a whit of existential anything, because I've already had to do much worse for a lot less.
Still excellent writing, but I can no longer relate to it.
Ultimately what's infuriating is that society is set up in such a way that this may be the most attractive option to a lot of people. You're still being abused and your work is still pointless, but I suspect that as a human being you'd have plenty to contribute that doesn't require going through that or destroying your health in the shipyard. Almost everyone does.
When I started working I went through a period in which I realized the jobs of several of the people I interacted with would be exceedingly easy for me to replace with software - not only would literal children be able to do those jobs, they'd probably do them better.
Later (but not that much later), I realized that these companies' inefficiencies exist as a consequence of society needing to make room for people to subsist at all. Maybe the lady whose job was to update an excel spreadsheet and who spent ninety percent of her day on gossiping and Facebook had elderly parents to take care of, or kids, or a loan to repay. If she lost her job, what was she supposed to do about that? No wonder everyone hated that management wanted them to learn to use my more efficient tools (I worked on internal tooling). The company had to resist process optimization, which meant it had to be a more frustrating, soul-crushing place to work in that it would otherwise be.
I think this equilibrium can only happen as long as no one is "paying attention." Thanks to social dynamics, the individual people won't easily get fired. But when the company needs to show results, department heads are pressured to improve efficiency. Cue cost cutting, or sometimes the whole department being disbanded and most of the staff laid off at the same time...
I'm younger and fortunately have never worked dangerous jobs. But I also struggled to relate.
Maybe it's because I'm hung up on the fact that the narrator has the entire day (after getting punched) to do whatever he wants. It would be different if, for instance, he was forced to spend 8 hours pretending to look busy. That would be boring and mentally draining, and he would be wasting most of his life (almost 1/3, with the other 1/3 sleeping, and the remainder including commute, getting dressed, housekeeping, etc.)
But OP could wake up, get punched, then spend the rest of the day working on the hobbies, etc. that he feels deprived of. If he feels it's not fair that they're paying him to do nothing, he can spend his ample free time volunteering and donate the part of his salary that he doesn't need. If he feels Chris is taking advantage of him, can he re-frame it as "the company is paying me an absurd amount of money, all for the privilege of punching me five days a week"?
I'm probably just reading it too literally.
Thank you for commenting. I feel pretty much the same as you. Yes, I get it, the whole thing is a metaphor, but...
It reads like a metaphor written for an audience who have never known what it was like to genuinely wonder where shelter and your next meal is coming from. Those kinds of concerns dispel ennui pretty quick. The narrator has the internal depth of a dial tone, and I'd have been more sympathetic to him if he'd shown any spark of anything. As it is, it reads like the pain of someone so sheltered from life that the fact that they have to make their own meaning comes as a complete shock. The more I think about it, the more I dislike him. And again, yes, I understand he was written that way on purpose. The story makes his non-agency explicit.
Well that was just the perfect read for a slow workday on which nothing substantial got done...
Even though I've made the realization quickly in my life that i can absolutely not stand working in a corporate environment, working in the IT sector just has a way of grinding you (me) down like that and I still burned out and it pretty much felt exactly as described in the text. Really uncannily accurate.
Didn't notice the very long read tag, but I read through to the end on an impromptu day off from my office-type job.
Even though I generally don't hate my job and it's usually pretty measured in what it asks of me (outside of periodic shitty projects like one right now), I laughed (with conflicting feelings) at how many of the little details were relateable. The inane kudos board, the fancy huge entrance with confusing smart elevators, the insufferable performance goals and reviews. Gosh, I even went to uni with a JR, wonder what he's up to now?
The HN thread posted elsewhere has a comment that the best jobs are the medium pay/medium expectations jobs. I think I'm lucky to be more or less there at the moment, where I can set boundaries for myself (in fact have a manager who actively encourages it), and so can mostly roll my eyes at the BS. Even still, I've had thoughts about moving on, searching for 'better' work for no good reason other than because I could. Now I'm of the mind that I'd like to keep this stability for hopefully a few more years while my partner navigates a career change, and while I plan a next step, whatever it may be.
I've turned down a couple of opportunities that would have been better paying/better growth ultimately because I sensed I'd lose enough of my boundaries/balance that it would impact me. In one case, it would have been in the same department, but under a manager who immediately came to mind in the descriptions of Chris. The people who floated the recommendation were shocked when I turnedit down, but what could I say? Youre awesome but your director is an asshole? Someone who punched down and made his team anxious and stressed, but played the 'I'm cool' attitude.
On that note, I'll end my meandering with the quote that made me laugh-out-loud the most:
I do struggle not to pick up too much corporate speak, but I will do my absolute best never to sing the praises of mon-ayyy like this.
I hate how much I relate to this.
I’m in my late 20’s, working a tech job I got right out of college, luckily just before COVID hit. For a bit I worked in the office but had no direct co-workers I interacted with, except for the on-site coffee shop barista (who got to the point she recognized me and would get my coffee ready when she saw me walking over from the stairs).
But then I switched to fully remote work (which is extremely nice, don’t get me wrong - but I miss even the small interactions with others, like the barista (or the receptionist in this tale)).
My work is certainly more “meaningful” than getting punched in the stomach, but not in ways that are immediately apparent, so it doesn’t really feel “meaningful.”
I’d look around for other jobs, but at this point I’m just feeling fortunate that I have one that allows me to support my wife who’s working towards her Ph.D (but in a field that’s in the process of being absolutely gutted by the US Fed Gov right now, so…yay).
Realistically, I need to find myself a hobby that gets me out of the house and interacting with other people - that’s what I feel I’m missing, but the hobbies I’m enjoying are very “individual”: currently working on making a game in Godot (which is actually enjoyable programming as opposed to my dev-ops focused work right now), woodworking (trying to get started again but don’t have a space for it really, so waiting for summer to use our apartment balcony for kumiko), and board games (but don’t have a lot of local friends with regular availability). I used to play D&D, but I’m on a 3 hour time zone difference from most of the friends I played with, which makes it nearly impossible to schedule for after work (and weekends are still difficult to find time that works for everyone).
Sorry for the long rant, this article/blog post just clearly hit me & I felt the need to air some of these thoughts I guess.
I really appreciated the various ways in which this story conveyed how much of what the company does is pointless bloat; a dysfunctional mess of mismanaged departments rife with processual dead ends and endemic miscommunication. Even though some of the characters are fulfilled by their jobs, it's clear when you take a step back that the sum of the output of all employees doesn't amount to that much that's of real use.
The narrator gives us several clues that imply the company isn't doing well financially, and we know this might eventually have all kinds of impact on the lives of the people working there, but is there any correlation between what they do and the graphics on the screens? Could any of them save their jobs through working more, better or smarter? Certainly not. It's more likely - and here I'm stepping outside the story - that all that truly matters are investor decisions and external market forces. If you're in a situation in which your work has real impact, you're probably doing better than most of the cogs in these structures!
Your hobbies sound nice. Sorry you're having trouble reaching other people who enjoy them. What timezone are you in?
Thanks for the
Sometimes I do lose sight of that.
I'm in the US Eastern Time Zone. And currently trying to find time to actually do my hobbies rather than doomscrolling the internet feeds, hah.
Reading response comments from a middle aged, extremely jaded tech worker.
I've been not-hired after a few interviews like that
No point getting excited yet.
What's the probation time till benefits? What's the severance? Almost nothing in the package matters unless the pay is so crazy good I can provide my own runway for when layoffs come.
Ahh There's the catch. [End of story comment] I wish "you" had had it together enough to go to an employment lawyer before abruptly quitting. "You" could have leveraged the "unlimited" time off into make it a full year with everything fully vested.
There we go! Jon's got the right attitude! And the far superior job. He shouldnt feel like if he wasn't paid he was still gonna do it, though, that part is weird and cultish. Now if his work was remote that would also be my dream job. Why wouldn't it? I still struggle with why "you" felt any guilt exchanging blows for pay and feeling like there should be more meaning.
Haha. Yes.... I agree with how "you" felt about those.
Yup this is more of what I had expected. I'm surprised the company rug pull came so late into the game. Everything had been so pleasant and upfront until this point. No biggie, file it away for when you leave the job and get your lawyer to get it back. Or get equivalent time off in lieu. Chris is playing the game, you play the game too.
Overall, a shame it ended this way. There were some very real health effects suffered by "You", and the very generous package would no doubt offered ways of renegotiating job duties due to injury and stress. Make them PIP "you", don't quit. Again, employment lawyer.
This is the statement I most identified with over this long story. I doubt most of us were paid anything like good to suffer. Most work places work very hard to instill stress and anxiety. I'm surprised throughout that Chris never berated "you", or how many people applied for this position, or repeated how well paid and how many people would love this job, or how much the company is scrutinizing or how precarious everything is. Aside from the punch this is a dream job. I'll take the toner one, or any of their jobs (if I could work remotely).
But perhaps I'm the wrong crowd. I don't derive meaning from my job, that's what the rest of my time is for.
I think that's such a good point, but also something that is difficult to find (and sometimes difficult to find time to do).
I normally don't read these long articles because I usually have something better to do. But today, my job is slow, so I read it all. And then I started to relate to it. Clearly, "getting punched in the stomach" is a metaphor for doing something you don't enjoy at your job, but it worked so well in regards to explaining physical issues that arise from doing work you despise.
I'm in a weird place where I don't love my work, it pays extraordinarily well, and I can do it just fine. But without that "fulfillment" piece, I'm not as happy as I feel I should be. I used to think "the dream" was getting paid like Bighead in Silicon Valley for doing nothing, but yet each job I get usually ends up that way and I eventually drift into ennui and dissatisfaction. A new job, thus far, doesn't seem to do it for me. I don't know how to fix this cycle.
I thought it was interesting that the narrator in the story mentions a spouse exactly once in regards to getting benefits after quitting.
The three or four times something related to a spouse came up (said something about getting married halfway-ish through, then mentioned in-laws a couple times) were jarring to me in that the narrator never speaks to, makes decisions with, or lives in any way that makes me think they actually have a spouse. It was almost like the spouse was only there to provide health insurance after quitting.
Or it was a conscious decision by the author to make the narrator appear distant from their spouse or distant from personal relationships in general.
At one job I worked at, my manager (who was a partner) admitted to me that he hated being at our main client because they were so demanding of him, he hated being in the office because of stress and fighting with other partners, and he hated being at home because his relationship with his wife was basically dead. He had no place to be.
Plausible, though the descriptions of distant relationships with a variety of different coworkers from different jobs makes me think a comment about the distance from the spouse would have also been mentioned. I say jarring because it took me out every time, almost like tacked on information that wound up making me feel like I needed to go back and reread something I missed.
Absolutely fair. I found myself wondering at times, as well. I guess I’m trained to feel absence has specific meaning in fiction, but it could just be shoddy storytelling. I’m a shoddy storyteller myself, so I should be able to sniff it out. I think my main complaint was that the story was too longwinded and really went hard at places it didn’t need to. I’m still thinking about it hours later, so that’s good at least.
Ultimately, I’m thinking it was a very insular story about the narrator’s experience, and being told in second person is an attempt to force the reader into it in a way to make it feel specifically personal, like we’re living it ourselves. So maybe it’s an “all in your head” kind of thing. And that makes me feel the absence of any spousal interaction is even more meaningful.
Though now that I think about it, there were times when the narrator referenced personal things that came out of nowhere and it was jarring. But that jarring-ness was interesting because it came out of nowhere and we had no frame of reference for it. The entire story was about work and an allegory for the modern white-collar condition. It’s an obsession with work. So life outside of work is maybe… not as important? I’m not sure yet. I’m still thinking about it.
I think it's a bit of a contorted effort to make the Second person narration resonate better with single tech workers. The piece itself is a long exposition on the Golden Handcuffs, and many of the readers probably couldn't identity as well if the narrator has a loving spouse and any sort of life outside of being punched.
What a read.
And man, I'm terrified of graduating. I'm studying in the IT field too (like a lot of other people here seemingly). I love what I study, and I love making projects here and there. But I've only ever had "real work" experience once, and it was at a small local company. It was a 6 month internship where I was mostly left to my own devices - I was told what to do, and I did it.
But what I did in those 6 months just felt like the most maddeningly useless and counter-productive projects I've ever done. I maximized my break times. I took long walks (the office was in a good location) around the area, dragging myself in at the last minute of my designated time. I barely talked to anyone around me - I was a phantom who only manifested at the mandatory end-week friday meeting.
At the end of the 6 months, my supervisor told me I did a great job. He gifted me a book (that I admittedly never read - wasn't my thing), and wrote me a cheque worth another whole month of what I was getting. Yea, I was happy. But what did I do?
I look at the long tirades I messaged my friends. They were ugly. I just felt so unfulfilled doing useless work. I told myself, "I'm going to work at a company that brings positive social change next time". But hell, I don't know if I can. The job market is scary as hell, and can I even keep up?
I just don't want to feel like a zombie again.
Ouch