How do you resolve feelings of obligation?
Hello tilderers, I have a dilemma I'm having that I'd like perspective on.
I often find myself doing things not because I want to, but because I have to. I feel obligated to. It is better if I do X than if I don't do X, so I should do X, even if I don't want to.
Though overall I don't consider "feeling obligated" a positive nor sustainable emotion to have.
These are often tied to social etiquette and maintaining a status quo at the sacrifice? of your own comfort.
Examples:
You're an introverted so tend to not desire social activity as much, but understand socializing is good for maintaining relationships so you accept invites regardless of whether you have true desire to be out for the person/occasion/event.
You should get a gift for Y because it's their birthday/Christmas because it's an expected, nice gesture but you don't really have a gift in mind or tendency of gift giving.
Z does something nice for you, pays for your dinner/got a gift/done a favor, but was not something you wanted Z to do or asked them to do. Yet now you feel indebted to give back.
General occasions where social and emotional reciprocation is expected and you're not entuned to reciprocate necessarily. And the general consequence of not reciprocating is weakening relationships/negativity from others etc.
Where is the line between doing whatever you feel/comfortable with (selfishness/self centered?) and doing things because you are socially obligated to (caring about what other people think/feel about you).
What is the resolution to negative feelings of obligation?
How can obligation turn to desire?
How does one perspective shift in this way?
You do this not because you have to, because you want to do this.
Maybe the thing would be to acknowledge that you don’t feel like doing it, but to make the best of it somehow? Some things become easier with practice.
Not always.
This is my approach. If I only did what I wanted to, I'd only have experiences that make me comfortable. If I think back, the most meaningful or perspective expanding moments in my life aren't ones that I'd have chosen.
Understanding that your post is a little more specific, I'd give yourself a break and admit that you don't like it but you're going to do it anyway because:
A) it's important to somebody who's close to you and you want to support them
B) it's a means to an end that matters to you
C) it's something that you've seen others enjoy and by trying it, you're admitting that you may also gain some unknown value from the experience
I feel like this is the core of your post. There's two parts: strategies for managing obligations, and then resolving negative feelings within yourself. I imagine they are hitched together, though, so I'll offer strategies here, which might make feelings less negative enough to speak to professionals who can help with the rest and keep cycling upwards from there.
My strategy is to move away from "rule based" towards "my internal resources based".
Yeet them rules
Think of it like the idiotic rule of spending 3 month's salary on a shiny carbon chunk: it's a rule that doesn't care if you are starving and nearly homeless and also your fiancee actually hates the shiny carbon industry.
Or the rule that says don't wear whites before Easter and not after Labour day, when you actually live in the Southern Hemisphere.
Or the rule that says you have to kiss and hug your gross Uncle or Aunt that gives you the heebies.
There's a certain amount of comfort in following social conventions, because maybe it makes me feel like I won't get in trouble with people. But that's actually an illusion, because (1) Emotional Vampires and manipulators exist, and (2) also because I get in trouble with people when I am depleted and behave/react poorly to people eventually anyway. So
Can you afford this?
This takes more work and feels scary to start, but over time it becomes easier and eventually less scary, and in the meantime much less frustrating. There's a few parts:
Gauge the ask - What kind of commitment or investment are they calling for? Who is this person to you and honestly look at what the fallout might be, instead of just acquisince to nebulous anxiety of 'but they might be mad at me'. Some professional help might be needed here if the nebula seems outsized and overwhelming.
Gauge the budget - How are you feeling? Really, no, how are you? Doing the Ask will cost you: let's assume you don't have it in you and will need to draw from reserves. So, how long will it take to fill back up after you engage? Imagine someone else already as resources depleted as yourself: would you feel okay to ask this person the Ask and why not. If you feel this will cost you yes but you'll be so thrilled to be able to meet their Ask, that's very different from "Ugh I wish they hadn't asked".
Gracefully decline - I didn't know this, but there are whole dang adult professions whose job it is to help with elegantly exiting social situations.
Apparently, most people expect some kind of No when they make Asks and have zero qualms saying no to others and that's why when we say yes they're surprised and think nothing of the cost, because they themselves would only ever had said yes when it cost them nothing.
Some sample firm No's
These are firm **NO** I have used successfully, some quite recently, specifically without apology or making up excuses:"It sounds like there's a lot going on, and I can't be involved anymore." - declining doing more of the same favors I've already been doing for months
"I don't think that's a good idea anymore." - backing out of an offer I previously made that they've then made additional asks for.
"Let me check my schedule ----> That doesn't work for my schedule" -- delay, then decline
"It makes me feel more free/at ease to order whatever I want if I am paying for my own meal" / "Sure, thank you, but only if i pay for drinks after this / pay for half" - previously said to good friends. No notes on how to decline non-friends who offer.
I have additional notes on identifying energy/emotional/time vampires but this is already a long post.
[Edit: when you have yeeted Vampires, and you have a healthy reserve of energy for it and you're saying yes enthusiastically instead of our of obligation, that's when it'll shift to desire and being energized from meeting these obligations]
I feel like the power of this one is easy to overlook. The phrasing is a helpful tool in the toolbox, but the spirit behind it as well. I think a lot of times we feel compelled to go along with something we agreed to out of politeness or obligation, but we're allowed to change our minds without making any excuses. Even if the details haven't changed, it's often okay to say "I slept on this and my opinion has changed."
This is unrelated, but the wisdom here seems related to one another pearl I've learned along the way: you can hold beliefs even if you ain't always act consistently with them. I see a lot of people, including former me, who would rather lie to themselves and others about their values than acknowledge that they sometimes make mistakes or exceptions to those values. It's not good to be a hypocrite, but I think it's often okay to say "it's wrong to leave shopping carts out of the corral, but sometimes I do". I find this far healthier to societal discourse than the alternative that I see almost every time: "it's fine, everybody does it ((if I say it's not fine, I have to be perfect forever and I don't want that))".
On this: I read through your advice and tried to apply it. I definitely don't have the energy, so I tried politely declining. But no matter what I do, they keep saying things like "Daddy, we want dinner" or "Daddy, you eventually have to bathe us". Any tips?
You do it anyway for now, grumble a bit, but put the favours on a tab, let it accumulate interest and sic emotional collections on them in our old age. Muahahahaha! They'll rue the day yet!!
Your edit is essentially what I was going to say: First get rid of the obligations you don't actually want, people or otherwise.
Then:
This gets a lot easier. If the obligation is to a person or goal that you genuinely care about, it's often easy to borrow from your feelings about the person in order to make doing the thing become exactly what you want. Not necessarily because of the thing itself, but because it's an act of love, or because it's in service to a goal you're passionate about.
For me it is strong boundaries and also accepting that other people make their own decisions.
Most of the stuff I feel obliged to do is related to my partner's family or friends. So if I feel obliged I will ask her "is this important to you?" If she says yes, I feel less obliged and can engage better because I'm doing it for her not for whoever is hosting the event. if she says no, great, I'm probably not going unless I want to.
Accepting that other people make their own decisions. If someone gives me something as a gift, I receive it with gratitude. But I don't like gifts so in a sense it kinda feels like something for them to feel good about giving me? Either way, I don't feel obliged to reciprocate gifts. If I stop getting them, great. I just find telling people not to get me something is met with a bit of incredulity.
You've already had some great answers, though I relate a lot so I'll add my own two cents as well.
What has been helping me is to set boundaries with myself. We usually don't consider setting boundaries to oneself because they're for relations - but the most important relation one has is the one with themselves. Just like how you sometimes cannot provide to others, you sometimes cannot provide for a certain 'itch' on your own mental thoughts.
It may seem strange to start with this as your post involves other people but consider this: to what extend do you consider your needs equal? My (personal) experience is that when I give things in return in a healthy way I actually gain in both the connection with the other person and the connection with myself.
Obligation is very different from desire. Social obligations should, in my opinion, come from a desire to maintain the relationship because its a healthy relationship, regardless of what kind of relationship it is.
I'm not sure if obligation can be turned into desire the way you describe this, though others may disagree with me here. At least I can't think of any examples of it in my life.
I feel like the other comments have already given you a lot to work with. I just wanted to give you something short and simple.
I've been trying to crack down on all the things I feel like I "should" be doing as a lot of it leads to me feeling trapped, even the things I want to do. Perhaps it's silly, but I've been working to rephrase things from should to "I want to be the person that does X."
I want to be the person that shows up for others. I want to be the person that has the energy to talk to people when they reach out. I want to be the person that remembers to give gifts.
If I find that I don't actually WANT to be that person, well, then perhaps it's better that I don't. Or I at least allow myself time to become that person.
I have a similar issue. It's been really relieving this year to make the assumption that 1. everyone who I'm close to loves me and will understand if I need things/space/time and that 2. a quick explanation is better than silence.
You'd be amazed how much grace folks will give you if you just tell them why you're not coming or not helping. "Hey, man I know this is a hard move for you guys and if there is noone else please call me, but right now I'm having a hard time with work/relationship/whatever and I'd love the day to recoup." I think most folks get it.
Completely isolated, subjective and personal experience here so feel free to completely ignore.
Your post resonated with me in a lot of ways, I felt like that (and still do about the gift giving, I find that difficult still because I feel like it's a waste of money for everyone) but I've managed to navigate fron obligation to desire for pretty much everything over the years.
I think you've already achieved the first two steps. You've identified this issue with yourself and you've decided you want to change it and that's honestly most of the hard stuff out the way.
The rest is just going all in. You've got to realize that if people are doing these things to you it's because they think you'll like it so it's probably a good idea to do the same thing right back to them.
Buy your friend a dinner without them asking.
Get someone a gift and don't expect anything back.
Organise a birthday party or similar for someone (or yourself!).
It's a mindset thing. Being social and involved with people and realising they like these things is cool and fun. Everyone is different. Maybe one friend will tell you they don't appreciate gifts and that's OK, most probably do.
I used to hate when friends and family paid for my dinner out the blue and I felt the "social balance" was off, but then I just went with the flow and I was surprised how much I liked their positive reaction. It's a nice feedback loop!
There’s a lot of good advice here already, so I’ll try to touch on something else. Maybe there will never be a resolution to that negative feeling? But maybe trying to help recontextualize the thought or state of mind may help?
In life we’ll always need to engage with negative feelings, that never goes away. My brother once was complaining and said “There’s always something! It never ends” and my response to him was “You’re right because it will never end, and something will always come, because life is always made up of good and bad. Maybe instead of worrying about the next bad thing coming, you should wonder more about the next good thing that will come”. My brother stopped complaining in that particular way since then. (Though he still complains about other stuff)
To add to this, there was a scene from an old Ashton Kutcher movie “Just Married” that always stayed with me for some reason. It’s the only part of the movie that I even remember. He is in someone’s house and he comments on all the happy photos in picture frames in the house. The guy responds with “You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next.”
As an adult there will always be things in life we just have to do. I dislike eating vegetables, working out, dishes, going to weddings, etc, but I have to do them, because that’s life. A lot of what you are describing is part of being social and networking. As you’ve hinted at, most humans need other humans in life, which means sometimes you have to show up, so that later on others will show up for you.
I now run my own company and 99% of what I bring in has been word of mouth. I wouldn’t have income right now if it hadn’t been for all those people I showed up for. Here’s the thing, I am introverted and I HATE networking and socializing SO MUCH. I’d rather be a hermit off by myself, but I live in a world of people, and I do really need them to survive. At the end of the day, if I have to show up for a wedding, go to a dinner I hate, or stand there listens to someone’s boring story, it’s not going to kill me to give up a few hours to someone that will appreciate it. Similarly if I am at the gym I just tell myself “I just need to get through this hour and I can go back home to the computer”. Do the hard thing so you can get to your next good thing.
Now that being said. If you believe you are someone who is amazing at what you do, will never need referrals, help, friendly company, a hug, etc. Then yeah, you don’t need to partake in any of what you described.
Not sure if this helps at all, but it’s what came to mind when I was reading through your post, since I had a similar issue with socializing when I was younger.
This might be a bit of a hot take- but while I agree, in some instances, there are things we have to do as humans that we don't want to- actually a lot of it is bullshit, and you really don't have to, as long as you're ready to accept any consequences of those choices and are comfortable with them, and there are tactful ways to navigate that (but YMMV, peoples' situations vary EXTREMELY widely, so the choices I've made could 1000% backfire for someone else). You actually can be fine just not doing some things we've been indoctrinated socially to think we should.
Part of it is indeed perspective- if I want to do XYZ, but that XYZ also happens to be a social expectation, then I still do it because I want to. But I don't try to transmute things I would normally feel obligated to do into wants- but that's because I just have taken the time to self-analyze and realize what I do and do not want and let that determine how I act, and letting those wants encompass things that might not always be perfectly enjoyable (working out, etc) overall strikes a balance
Honestly, at some point, I just decided to cross the threshold regardless of any potential downsides, and just reset expectations. I used to give in a lot to perceived "obligations" but much less now. I just over time decided to set my own boundaries and views on what social obligations I think are BS/etc. so, for instance:
I rarely give gifts, including on holidays/birthdays/etc. I also expect nothing from anyone else and have said so. It's not a hard rule, but I break myself of feeling a social obligation to do it, and just simply do it when and because I want to and never any other time, PERIOD
I turn down (though I get very few) invitations to socialize. I do not let myself feel any obligation to go. If I don't feel like going, I don't go.
If someone does something nice for me without asking, I don't automatically feel like I need to return the favor. I may do something nice for them at some point, but I don't expect anything in return when I do nice things and I don't want others to expect it of me.
I am very honest when it comes to social/emotional relationships and situations. I don't know the details of the reciprocity you're speaking of here, but just depends on the situation. However, I won't fake some kind of reciprocal thing just because I feel expected to, nor will I behave emotionally in an expected way if it's not honest
I do not dress formally or uncomfortably, period. Some people are the "dress up in a suit for a job interview type" and that's not me and never will be. I don't even own formal clothes, or even a tie, anymore, that's one social "expectation" that I refuse to fulfill anymore. I will make myself comfortably presentable, but that's the most I can offer.
There are exceptions, but a lot of the time they're things I don't necessarily enjoy but still want to do, if that makes sense, so I don't really consider them an exception because I'm still not giving into some "obligated" feeling, because the desire is actually there to do it. The main time there would be an actual exception is if I felt the consequences outweighed the positives of not doing whatever it is. There may be cases and situations where the risk or potential consequences are too high.