13
votes
Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2022)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I have a meta question about this topic: What do the people posting here want from the people reading? After reading all of this a feel very much like I'd like to offer some sort of support but in most cases I have nothing really useful or specific to provide (except to moocow and the cat-- I've been there and I really hope for the best for you both.)
When I see all of these posts without any responses, I wonder if that feel ok to the posters, if the upvotes are enough of a recognition or if you would rather have something else, even if its just a post that someone hears you and wishes you well.
I'm new here, just hoping for some guidance. And I do wish you all well.
For me, it's more of a venting chamber and diary, but I can't speak for anyone else. I know you all can't solve my problems but it's nice to get them sorted out in letters, even if it's just in the void.
For me, it's a place that I don't have to remain quiet/ in hiding about. There's no shame here.
It's also nice to hear other people's stories b/c it's nice to not feel like an outcast. (you resonate with some of the others experiences).
I upvote when I resonate with someones experience, yet have nothing really to add or share or maybe don't have the energy to add or share. [edit, sorry, i effed up the sentence. gurp.]
I'd say, do what you want. You are the holder of the @ahatlikethat account. So, be you.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, YOUR NAME IS A HAT LIKE THAT AND MINE IS BEANIE!? NO WAY, DAWG!
[another edit] it's also nice to be reminded of coping mechanisms through other ppls experiences. and to see your stuff written out. when you write it out for others to read, you read/re-read (as opposed to writing for yourself/ journaling for your own eyes). and you can gain more insight that way.
Thank you everyone, I appreciate your insights.
Once again I find myself excluded and permanently exiled from a community I was devoted to with sudden and brutal finality. I believe (because at no point was I informed of the exact charge against me or allowed to defend myself) the exclusion was warranted as a response to a rule-breaking (deliberate) mistake I made early last year, but it still stings. It pains me that this is what passes for justice in our online spaces, cold and unfeeling, with no recourse, no room for nuance or compassion. An e-mail message assured me, with the stiffness one would expect from an obvious template, that my case had been handled by a human and, in the same breath, that any further communication would be ignored. How comforting. What am I supposed to learn from this? Am I supposed to be reformed? Punished? Or just separated, like a cancer, an undesirable?
It isn't the first time this has happened to me - I could tell the story of my life as a string of such exclusions. As someone with a strong sense of identity, each feels like having a limb cut off. As someone with superior autobiographical memory, each stays with me and gnaws at me from then on. Half of the time I think there's something wrong with me; I must be worthless, unwanted, unusable even. The other half I become paranoid and stressed. It feels like the world is out to get me. I put up walls, bottle up my pain and let it consume me from the inside, because experience tells me any chink in the armor is coming back to bite me. Any vulnerability drives away people who have their own mental health to deal with and no time to put up with my bullshit, oh no, there he goes again, whining, feeling sorry for himself. So people tell me, brightly, how much better I'm doing, how I'm fine now. They don't ask, because they don't want to hear a different answer. Therapists I can't afford try and fail to break me down into smaller, more manageable problems. I quit another job. I look for a safety net, new friends I can be normal with, a new task. And the cycle starts again.
In our brave new world in which everyone is constantly judging everyone else, it doesn't matter how much you've been there for others. People confide in me, ask me for advice, and I tell them what they might do. Sometimes, to my terror, they even do as I say. I do the best I can, as honestly as I can. I spend hours teaching what I can teach. When people have practical problems, I drop what I'm doing and try to help, ruining my schedule, getting behind on my work. I do this because I think I should, without expecting anything in return, but once events and happenstance precipitate to attach to me that stigma of rulebreaker, shitty person, criminal, I'm still disappointed by how quickly people take a step back and look at me with sanctimonious distrust; I'm one of the others now, unclean, no longer one of the pure. They are still the pure, and they will always be; nothing could possibly ever change. I must have had it coming. Divine punishment.
And how is your tuesday going?
You would like to think you've built up a store of goodwill, but when the ostraka rain down, they seem to unbalance any mass of merit. Perfection is an inhumanly hard expectation that online spaces somehow make appear reasonable. I'm sorry. My Tuesday was full of clumsy mistakes and homesickness, but also sunshine.
What rule?
I'm nearing the end of my second month on fluoxetine (initially 20mg, recently upped to 30), and the difference in my mood and outlook has been substantial. I feel more assured of having innate worth; I'm reengaging with things I had lost interest in for a long time; I've been able to be more physically active and present with my friends and family.
I'm not cured, however. My psychiatrist warned that it wouldn't be a magic bullet, but rather I would find myself having more good days than bad. I still have bouts of intense depression (interestingly, my anxiety seems to be what's mostly been diminished), but they are growing less frequent and slightly more manageable when they come. This is all happening at a good time, as I'm in my last undergraduate semester and every little thing to make that last push easier is helpful, and - to be candid - I had largely given up hope of things getting any better, and I might not still be here if I hadn't found an effective medication.
That's great! I'm glad to hear that you've found something that seems to be working for you. It's hard lesson that I've had to learn throughout my life is that magic bullets don't exist for virtually any problem, if they did, they wouldn't be problems for long. As long as you feel like your life is improving, that's all that matters, and that's all anyone can hope for.
That's fucking fantastic. I would much rather have less anxiety than less depression. With less anxiety you will wind up having more fun, bonding with people, doing hobbies and ultimately doing a lot of things that kick the shit out of depression. I've been there, I don't miss it. I was afraid of losing who I was. But once I lost some anxiety, thanks psychedelics, the depression slowly went away as I adventured out. I didn't lose who I was, I upgraded. And I hope you get to experience the same. Yes, I still struggle at times but it's nothing like those years I spent trapped. Just knowing it's temporary and will pass is a huge upgrade alone. Congratulations!
I'm not feeling so great right now.
I don't know what it is about the way I process certain feelings, but the people I love the most are able to send me on extremely wild mood swings.
My ex girlfriend and I have been on-and-off talking about getting back together, trying again, and in the past few days I've decided that I want to do it. So I sent her a letter, and I'm now waiting for the response.
I shouldn't be as anxious as I am right now. I'm feeling restless, nervous, worried. Why? Couldn't tell you. The answer itself isn't that significant in the grand scheme of things. But this waiting period, the "not knowing", for me is the fucking worst.
In times like these, I feel like I've regressed. Like I've gone back to being a teenager completely overwhelmed by my emotions.
The way it manifests for me is like a presence in my brain. Like a song on repeat, something you can't stop thinking about. I always assumed everyone had this. I used to have it constantly over everything I would get even slightly anxious about, but now there's a very, very small sample of people on earth who can make me feel this way, and she is one of them.
I've tried to distract myself. Tried to talk to friends. Tried to work. Tried going on a walk with an audiobook, watching TV, skating, meditating, sleeping. But it doesn't go away. I can stop feeling this way for months or years at a time, then a triggering event gets me in that state again and it feels like there's nothing I can do. No matter what I do, my brain goes back to thinking about it, I can't shut it up. And as it all happens, time slows down and makes certain I feel every second of this anxiety.
I'm thankful for having an exceptional network of friends to whom I can talk to; even if it doesn't distract me, it at least makes these periods bearable. There was a time in my life where this spiraling would have sent me to extremely dark places; now, it's just very uncomfortable, but I know it's temporary.
Hm, that was two weeks ago, and things have not really improved.
The letter went really well, and things in that budding re-relationship have been intensifying, but because we haven't started actually dating again yet, the entire ordeal is still on my mind and if anything it's gotten worse.
I recently had to literally purchase a last minute flight and hop on a plane to get out of the country for two days, just to get out of my own head. It helped, but clearly, something is really wrong.
I don't feel like this all the time either, it comes and goes. But it's been a looming presence for the past three weeks. I don't feel depressed, I just regularly get panic attacks over this.
What the fuck is going on.
Isn't it great we know when something is off? It's frustrating that we don't really know what, but the fact we have our own alarm systems in ourselves saying "beep beep beeep!"
I don't have any advice. I've gotten those feelings about different circumstances. I wanted to acknowledge your presence. I see you, hear you and, to my knowledge, understand the feelings you're feeling.
Thank you.
It is great, albeit frustrating. Nothing like having completely irrational thoughts and mindset, and your rational side saying "why do you feel like this, everything is going great!?".
I just broke down in tears an hour ago, haven't had a good cry about this since it started. I feel better now. For now.
(PS: This comment was written for r/MensLib, so that's who "us" or "we" refers to.)
Tl;dr: Sometimes I feel treating yourself as equal to the person/people you are trying to befriend/date (or get a raise from, or convince them of progressivism) impossible because I feel doing those things is centered on convincing them you're worth their time and it makes me feel frustrated that I will need to do one or both of these things in the future.
...It also makes me understand why the traditional ideal of the self-reliant man can be so enticing to many people.
(Disclaimer: I don't mean to say this is how the people on the receiving end of whatever you do to indicate you want a platonic relationship/asking people out perceive those things. Realistically they don't make a big deal out of it and usually either tag along or give some perfectly benign reason to not do that. It's just that I feel really inferior to them because they can take me for granted and I can't. It's like this meme depicting asking women out on Tinder as a male court jester entertaining the queen, which I think would resonate really hard with a lot of us.)
Sometimes it feels wanting things from other people inherently puts you in a position where they have leverage over you because they have something you want, and that pushes you to either act in a conciliatory tone to them where you try to avoid outright disagreements with them and pointing out problematic logic if it shows up is kind of a no-go or to act as usual and inevitably have a much harder time getting what you want. From progressives talking about how debating moderate white people on police violence or trans rights or any progressive topic is frustrating to needing to do performative nonsense to earn raises and promotions in your workplace or your resume to how socializing and dating people feels like something mostly/entirely centered in winning their approval. Thing is, stuff related to racism, sexism and the workplace have been addressed by social and economic leftism and we all know that conversations about race or gender or income don't need to happen this way, that these problems with these subjects don't even need to exist. Problem is, human relationships can't be solved in a similar way. We can point out behavior based on negative (or positive) social stereotypes that are based on regressive (or just simply incorrect) notions about social dynamics so people aren't unfairly judged for some attributes they have, but I can't help but feel that this is easier to do when you aren't also concerned about winning social approval from the same others who might have said troubling thought patterns.
hmmm.... bad? more learning curves? spiraling, but spiraling up? (I honestly hate that last one, but there have been sayings in my past that I've hated and yet still rely on; i.e.: serenity prayer)
My sleeps been bad, last night was better, since I took some melatonins (yes, plural, don't judge me, I need my sleeps! I promise I was safe about it). So I'm actually able to articulate why my mental health has been bad, as opposed to before when it all comes out as gibberish. (As I'm proof-reading my post, I'm seeing so many spelling mistakes and weirdly constructed sentences (I wrote lunch instead of lungs... tf?). I'm going to miss a bunch of errors, please forgive me. My sleep was better last night, still insufficient though).
My older sister wanted wine last night, so I drank a little bit. I'd prefer to be sober (from weed and alcohol). Her car reeeks of MJ. My body is like "awww yeah, here we go! like riding a bike!" and does it's ghostly-like reactions. I didn't smoke, but I got reminded that even a little drinking is not good for my mental health (spiral down, doomsday outlook on things, just overall not good). It's a whole lot to explain to ppl though. It's easier to take the drink. Once it's in my hand, down the shoot! I know I'm not doing good mental health wise bc I saw a candid video of myself, yeesh, I need to shower.
More often than not these days the negative of my mental illness is more apparent. I remember when my mental illness was endearing, cute, different. Then it became a logical reaction to my surroundings mix (nurture) with nature mixed in. I always tell people... it gets worse if you don't work on it. It is exhausting to work on it everyday. It's more exhausting to be a train wreck though, haha. It's a negative feedback loop.
When I don't get sleep, it feels like I'm a chicken with it's head cut off. Like idk what's going on with my brain and I'm trying to gain control of my body/ emotions (waking up struggling to wet dream is so painful. You aren't even aroused, but your body is like... we're doing this now, you're at your moms house, remember when he used to force you to touch him? And sometimes your body reacts... like riding a bike). The same, unfinished, confusing, unimportant sentence replays over and over again in my brain. Like a schizophrenic person wondering the streets, they resonate with me. Spiraling up? Cup half full? At least I'm not hearing a woman screeech at the top of her lungs when I feel myself falling asleep like I did years ago, jolting myself awake throughout the night. Or the sound of crunchy rocks under your shoes when I closed my eyes, stopping me from sleeping.
Going back to nature/nurture/it gets worse as you get older. I used to frequent this depression/ bipolar support group meetings. There was this one dude that would go on-and-on about how the brain is like a computer, he needs to change some software. In my head, I'd half listen/ understand, half dismiss/ say it's okay if I don't fully understand (we all find analogies/ relate to things in our own ways). Now that I've worked really really hard with many therapists swapping out softwares (learned behaviors), I'm beginning to see the limits of updating said softwares. We are only as strong as our hardware too. And, as we get older, our hardware has some wear-and-tear. Those can also be strengthened, but the deterioration is an inevitable fact of life. It's an interesting dilemma.
Lastly, mental illness is a different extant than mental health. Don't tell a person who is schizophrenic to drink some tea, don't take an autistic person to an acupuncturist. Yes, those things can help. But don't be fooled to think that just because it's better that it's all good... FIXED! DING! ALL DONE!
Was doing my job's driving test on Tuesday, wasn't doing too hot remembering where things were, then it started pouring down and we had to put the cars away for a snowstorm the next day, so I guess it was inconclusive. Either way, snowed out yesterday and today, will probably be back tomorrow, and gotta go again. On one hand, the job is stimulating, I get to be on my feet and troubleshooting, but on the other, I'm still sometimes uncomfortable when I'm in the car, because God forbid I'm stuck in a car testing for hours and have to use the bathroom or get an upset stomach while taking notes. Let alone crash due to something or other. I know my car in and out, but these ones are new and I can't use sat nav to navigate because it's private property and I guess I'm just in a state of mind that I have to feel like I'm on best behavior all the time, plus I had health issues that seem to be getting better but are tied to anxiety so, a lot on my plate at any given time and work is either fine or not fine. Less to worry about when I was just at home doing tech support, but I guess I either adjust or walk away.
EDIT: Also my geriatric cat still has a UTI after two weeks of meds, but her kidneys are doing better. So, going to have to sort that out.
EDIT 2: Cat bit me while trying to shove a pill down her mouth, two more weeks of that. Didn't seem to break the skin and I cleaned it up okay, doesn't seem to be swelling, but I'm still nervous and playing the should this be seen by a doctor game.
omg, my mental health is still bad. i'm like, panicing.
i really need to get out of my moms place. and i will.
all of the opinions of other people swirl round and round in my head. and it's stopping me from being myself and seeking out new/ healthy relationships. so i only have the old ones swirling round and round.
i start training at a cat shelter tomorrow. so, that should be nice.
all should come into place once i'm out of my moms, which should be this weekend. she's a horrible woman. just trust me on that one... maybe i should be specific, she triggers me. today, she said "wow, we don't have any photos together"... i knew this, btw. it's b/c she has ignored me her entire life. it's okay to hate each other. it's A - OK! let's continue not to have photos with each other.
i get to go to my own place soon. i'll gain financial stability in a couple of months, or at least, be financially at the same place i was before i left my job over a year ago. the marshmellow test. i just need to be patient, keep putting in the work. keep being sober. and continue to seek out good/ helpful relationships.
i'm almost there. just need to be patient. one step at a time. it'll only be about a day or 2 more. i got this.
A friend from college who went on to be a therapist told me a couple months ago that the first thing they try to do with people that are having mental health issues is surround them with healthy people.
It's no indictment of you to be struggling in an unhealthy situation... financial insecurity by itself is super stressful and family can be the worst.
Sorry that you're having to deal with that. Just keep doing what you need to do until you get to something better (with cats). You got this!
No need to reply, but are there any activities you can do that help you relax? Get a bit of cardio in? Can you think of things in the past week you feel good about yourself for? Things you look forward to doing, once things settle?
yeah, the stigma is there with the people i'm around right now. there's maybe 1 or 2 people i can talk to about this, but they get exhausted too. the stigma is so much and mental illness is so (as a previous therapist of mine said) messy, no one wants to get involved.
I went on some hikes this week. it was nice to meet my fellow, lone-wolf, regular hikers. We exchange some tips and jokes for about a minute and move on. What's crazy is that I feel good about volunteering at cat shelters, and I try and share my love/ excitement/ experiences with the only person I talk to regularly (my mom) and it's like she's jealous of the cats, dismisses me, shuts me down, calls me names, discourages me b/c it's in a black neighborhood. the works! it's hard to do things when you depend on the toxic person for their car/ resources. it's also hard when this is the main, real life person you talk to daily. it forces you to stay quiet. oh, i just don't like her. everything you do is questioned, critiqued and ridiculed. I'll genuinely be out soon, I just need to depend on her for her car for 2 moving trips to get my stuff out of here and pick up a table/chairs. Which, she'll try to make difficult by doing last minute errands/ faking scenarios where she needs the car, because she's toxic like that. I'll be bare bones in the apt. sleeping on the floor. no car. just a set up for my computer so i can do work and i'll take share rides to my job sites if need be. it'll be hard, but i'll make it work. I really hope I can set up the internet in the new place. or else I'll need to stay at my moms for longer to get work done.
i'm looking forward to taking a bath. breathing. eating a fucking fruit and vegetable (again, my moms a trip). walking. cooking for myself. once i get some more money, maybe another paycheck, baking. it being quiet at home. cutting my hair, i need a trim. maybe hand sewing small projects. not taking as many pills to calm down and sleep.
thanks for talking with me.
I feel very annoyed. I got covid again, right at the beginning of a new semester. It is quite minor I guess, I'll probably just miss around one week off stuff, but also fuck this, this is literally the third semester in a row that some shit like this happens at the start of a semester. I am also now a tutor at a seminar, which means I'll have to miss one and we have to somehow find a replacement for me. Like come on, give me a break. I just want to do what I need to, not like it's much but it's not nothing and having to always catch up is so annoying.
Other than that not much is happening, everything is still the same as always. Still didn't go to therapy, ignoring everything is working so far. Still have no plans to move out.