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I am still awake after feeding my newborn
It’s before 5am CT, and I’ve been awake since… 2:30am. Most nights, I can feed my newborn and fall right back asleep. I believe that some work stress has kept me awake. It got me thinking about some questions to ask the group:
- For those of us who would rather be productive than lie in bed awake for an extended period of time, how long before you decide to just get up and do something? I’m a little surprised I haven’t just gotten up yet. I think I will here in a few minutes.
- What are some fun activities you like to get up to when it’s the middle of the night and everyone is asleep? I’m a software engineer by trade so I tend to work on a side project. Maybe a music project if it’s something quiet.
- The age old question: how can I fall back asleep? I can usually count backwards from 100 and by the second time through I’ll be out. Does anyone have anything more interesting?
I’m sure variations of this topic have been posted before, so I apologize if this is less than novel. Retitle as necessary, I couldn’t think of a good one.
Good luck with the little one and hopefully you get some rest later in the day!
I went the opposite direction with my youngest. While she was a newborn, I just accepted that I wasn't sleeping for six months.
I got hold of some previous workplaces that I left on good terms to see if they needed some contracting work done off hours and if they were willing to let me do it at whatever weird hours worked for me. One of them was interested. I ended up working like 15 hours a week for them during those weird times when I wasn't able to sleep, or it wouldn't make sense to go back to bed for a while.
I don't know that this was a great idea for my mental health or stress, but I think the entire concept of dealing with newborns means that you have thrown mental health out the window for a while anyway.
Lifelong insomnia sufferer here. Got a lot better after I started doing this religiously:
I get up the moment I realize I'm tossing and turning and not falling asleep. No approximate time limit or anything, the goal is to maintain a pure association of bed == sleep. Turns out that the concept of sleeping through the night is a modern one. Before there was "first sleep" and "second sleep" with maybe an hour between. So I embraced it.
I'll get up and do something until I start feeling like I'm going to fall asleep. Avoiding screens is best, I'll generally read something I enjoy but is not new to me. Don't want to get engrossed too deep. I'll also sometimes just handwrite whatever is coming to mind. It's a bit therapeutic and can help quell some of the louder thoughs keeping you awake.
I still have bad nights, but at least now they'll be more like 6 hours total sleep and not 3.
And yea....having baby there isn't too much getting around the madness till sleep cycles start kicking in. I suggest reading the book "Precious Little Sleep" to every parent. It's chock full of great advice and my kids are now great sleepers.
If I'm laying in bed for more than half an hour, I'll get up and do something else until I'm sleepy. This isn't because I need to be productive, I'm actually a pretty lazy person by nature and I'm happiest when I'm not being productive, but I've found it's the fastest way to fall asleep.
If I'm just laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I just get increasingly frustrated and it becomes a negatively reinforcing loop. I've laid in bed for 5+ hours trying to fall asleep because of this.
I've found that doing something to distract me, but also not something that will wire me up is best. That means video game, reading controversial stories on the news, working on interesting projects, or chatting with people I really like online are all out. I usually find reading works best, as long as I'm not on the last few chapters of an exciting book (I've completely forgone sleep because of this one too).
One distinction I would make is whether you're actually tired, and if stress is keeping you from falling asleep specifically. During grad school I started getting panic attacks and negative "thought-loops" in the middle of the night, which really stressed me out. I was genuinely tired, but too frantic to settle down. I think other people have come up with good suggestions for when you're just not tired; my trick when I've got a racing brain (and I notice it) is to do a mindfulness exercise. Specifically, since I'm trying to sleep, I keep my eyes closed and try to find five things I can hear, four things I can feel, three things I can smell (eww), taking a breath between each thing I notice. Usually by then I've calmed down enough that I can try and sleep. The goal for me is to break the panic, and so focusing my attention on things like sounds around me or sensations can be really helpful to break the cycle. It works really well for me (as soon as I notice that I'm doing it, which can take awhile sometimes).
Reading a book/ereader has been shown to improve sleep quality and reduce stress. Even the light from a phone screen can be enough to keep you awake/stimulated compared to an ereader.
I love reading before sleep, except I'm not the most disciplined at stopping if it's an interesting story. I find renting from the library is a great extra nudge to read instead of using my phone, too.
How does having enough light to read by not also keep you awake?
My go-to after feeding the baby has been "do X with me" style youtube videos. Phone on the lowest brightness setting, "Eye protection mode" and "Extra dim" built-in settings turned on, then a screen-dimmer app on top until it doesn't feel like the phone is emitting light (it still is, but it doesn't feel like it).
If I have to also change the baby and therefore turn on a lamp (with a warm, ~100 lumen bulb) all bets are off and I am Awake.
Ahh, you might be like my brother who's very sensitive to light, he needs blackout curtains and a sleep mask to get some shut-eye, but my apartment just has paper blinds and I'm fine with it. I'm fortunate that I've always found it easy to sleep, even on trains/planes.
If 100 lumens is enough to keep you awake, maybe reading wouldn't work for you. I used to have a smart bulb which you could make fade over 30 minutes until it's completely off, which was a nice feature.
Smart bulbs can be quite expensive and are usually tied to their apps though, so you're at the whim of their updates and EULA, but that could be an option.
When I was young, if I had trouble sleeping I started telling myself where you had to use all the HMs in Pokémon games to progress and I'd bore myself to sleep. Still kinda works. Could give a similar thing you're well-versed in a try - answer some hypothetical question and get into the weeds until you drift out of it. Also, like u/pekt said, I also sometimes try to develop the world for a game idea I've had in my head; it lulls me off visualizing characters or story beats. (Unfortunately I also forget all of them if I think I have any good ideas...)
KIds get easier.
Listen to a podcast or audiobook in bed is my go to. If I’m actually awake I enjoy it, if I’m actually tired but my mind is tricking me to be awake I fall asleep. Either way, I’m happy.
I usually do that for up to an hour. If I’m still awake then, well might as well get up and try something different for a bit.
Your point number 3 answered a supplementary question I had to 1, which was, how well do you usually fall asleep.
When it's clear this isnt a normal night. So for you, maybe like, 10 minute mark would already be in the 5% rare category or even 2% ultra rare. Might as well get some water.
If I'm being indulgent of myself: watch a movie I've been waiting to watch but which my partner is uninterested in or would not do well to watch. I've watched Saltburn, Zone of Interest, The Holdovers, hundredth re-watch of La La Land, (and unfortunately) Past Lives, this way. I would have watched Takopi's Original Sin this way as well but I don't care for the manga.
2b. If I'm not feeling indulgent, the small house clean ups I've been putting off.
My first son wouldn’t sleep and would cry most of the time the first month, it was hard on my wife and I. One night I was feeding him and afterwards he couldn’t fall asleep. I turned on the TV and watched the 24 hours of Le Mans with him. Suddenly it started becoming lighter and it was the break of dawn. I was so relieved another night was almost over. It’s a good memory now, it was a special moment.
Shit can be hard with a newborn in the house. Stay strong and catch some sleep whenever possible.
For me, once the first light starts to show, it's a simple binary. If my eyes still feel heavy, I've just temporarily woken up and will be back to sleep as soon as I make it back to bed. If my eyes feel open, even for a moment, I'm now awake for the day no matter what I do. Might as well put on a podcast, make breakfast, and get ahead of my to-do list.
On nights like yours, I'm a fan of tidying up. There's nobody around to get in the way, and odds are good that the hectic demands of childcare have left behind a few messes.
Firstly, congratulations on the newborn! I thought I should mention I originally read your post last night on mobile after settling my 9 month old in the middle of the night and struggling to get back to sleep. It gave me a good (empathetic) chuckle.
All the best with your new family member and hoping you can catch up on some much deserved sleep whenever possible.