What is your go-to never-failing joke?

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

At least among other CS nerds:

What do you do when a spirit possesses your logic gates? You perform an XOR-cism!

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. The benefits were great but parking was a nightmare.

Not age-appropriate:

A devoutly Catholic guy gets onto an airplane and sees an empty seat in front of him. He looks out the window while idly wondering who might sit next to him. Lo and behold, a few minutes later, it's the actual Pope! Too shocked and amazed to even think straight, the man makes his introductions and pays the Pope a few compliments, without thinking to ask why the head of the Roman Catholic Church is flying commercial. They both settle into the flight.

About a half hour in, the Pope takes out a crossword puzzle. The man's mind starts to race. What if the Pope asks him for help? What if he can't come up with something and sounds like an idiot? He starts to get excited and nervous at the same time.

Soon enough, it happens: the Pope turns over to him. "Excuse me sir," he says, as the man prepares to tell the Pope what an inspiration he's been, "Could I ask your help on one of these clues?" The man, nearly blubbering, says "Sure, what is it?"

The Pope frowns. "It's 'A word to describe a woman.' Four letters, _UNT."

The man is horrified. How on earth is he going to say that to the Pope? Could he try using some sort of euphemism? No, that would defeat the whole purpose of trying to give him the exact word. Should he just pretend he doesn't know, and look like an idiot? What could he do? Eventually he decides to just tell the Pope the answer to this clue. He wondered if this was a damnable offense.

Then it comes to him. A wave of relief washes over him. "AUNT, Your Holiness," he says. "The answer is AUNT. A word to describe a woman: AUNT."

The Pope pauses, and frowns again. "Hmmmm," he says. "Do you happen to have an eraser?"

What's blue and doesn't weigh a lot?

Lightblue

It depends on who I'm telling the joke to:

Kid Friendly

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue Paint

What's green, goes all the way around your house, and is made of cement?
The lawn, I put the cement in there to make it hard.

No Bueno for Kids

A clown and a little boy are walking into the woods at night. The little boy turns to the clown and says, "Gee, I sure am scared out here!" The clown replies, "You're scared!? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

What did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll hang around here.

But I only tell jokes to little kids😁

Two toms and a cymbal fall down the stairs. Ba-dum tss

There were two muffins in the oven. One muffin said to the other muffin: "Boy, it sure is hot in here." and the other muffin said: "Aah! A talking muffin!"

It's literally the dumbest joke I know, but it still gets laughs.

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Can't be done, it's a hardware problem.

Fer Da Keds:

How would describe someone who hooks one uniball pen to another? A: Simply dia-ball-ical.
What if they hook in a third? A: They're tri-ball.

Not really fer da keds:

I was recently reading about the experience of a soldier in World War I. He was describing what it was like to try to reinforce a line while having to run through German shelling, with about 100 shells a minute hitting the ground between where he was and where his officer was commanding him to be. Each solider had to run through this section one-by-one. He watched as the people ahead of him in line tried this same run. Some would get hit directly by a shell and explode into nothingness. Others would get clipped in the leg or head with nearby shrapnel and fall helplessly from the blow. In watching his comrades, the soldier thought about how little he wanted to make the same run, how doomed he was if he made the run, and how if he didn't his officer stood next to him with a gun in hand to settle the matter the other way too.

Before he even realized it was his turn, his officer yelled that now was his time. Immediately he bolted. Two steps forward, two steps back, a leap to the side, trying to find his way through the maze of mortar fire like a terrified, hunted deer. Again before he had consciously known he was anywhere, he heard someone tell him "Stop. You're here. Are you injured? Check for injuries; you might not have noticed them."

It was at this point that I heard in the background Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend." (Hey Hey, You You, I Don't Like Your Girlfriend) At once I realized what this soldier had been fighting for, whether he knew it or not.

This, I believe, is the only legitimate use for Avril Lavigne.

The "Bavarian Fire Drill" gets 'em every time.

Q: How do elephants communicate over long distances?

A: Elephones.

(Using trunk lines.)

!elephone