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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2024)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I've been struggling to do basic self-care/hygiene/daily tasks lately. Showering for example is always a bit difficult for me as an ADHD executive dysfunction thing. I don't have sensory issues with it but it's a waste of my time, according to my brain, and feels like it will be boring and I can't read in the shower and so on. Habits are hard so dental hygiene has always been a challenge to develop (not surprising that people with ADHD have statistically worse dental outcomes IMO).
But lately having the motivation to do anything for myself is nearly impossible. And I found I had developed an anxiety about showering - I still don't understand why - that had me paralyzed. And it is so frustrating to deal with this as a mental health professional that literally supports others dealing with this. I know the tips and tricks. I just can't force them into use on me. I did other things to keep myself as clean as possible in the meantime but ugh.
I did shower yesterday, after far too long but I'll take the victory.
You're not alone - showering is a big thing for me too for much the same reasons. It feels like a waste of time and a stressor. In my teens I had periods where I would pretend to take a shower by only wetting my hair, which is ridiculous in hindsight, like why not just shower?
I don't know if this is something that is used clinically, but I find that it helps me to just b-line to the shower as soon as I get home, putting all of my mental effort into not thinking about anything else for those ten seconds. Like as soon as the water opens it sort of tricks my brain into thinking that it's inevitable and I may as well get it over with. It's been pretty successful so far and if it's something your schedule allows you to do I'd recommend trying it.
Also, brushing your teeth in the shower works for me to at the very least wash once a day, even if it might not be ideal timing it's better than the nothing I usually end up doing. Easier to justify doing it if I'm already "wasting time" in the shower anyways. This was a life saver when I first heard about it.
God, this was validating to read haha, thanks. Keep fighting the good fight.
I'm happy to normalize and validate! Life is a struggle bus and it keeps running over my foot. I have a weird thing about brushing my teeth with warm water which has reduced my ability to do it in the shower. But I bought some of that Tiktok advertised flavored toothpaste as an incentive (ADHD tax shows up in so many ways) so maybe red velvet goes better with warm water than mint.
I think I had that same teenage experience. I did baths for a while but when we moved recently that didn't work out as well. Unfortunately for me getting home usually involves an immediate shift into caretaking right now. Routines are just so freaking difficult to build otherwise.
I tend to have a lot of weird psychological issues around exercise, and I've been trying a new thing where I just lie to myself, and it's kinda helping. My brain mostly works in words, not pictures, so whenever I have A Thought it's in the form of sentences or phrases. So if I think something like "I hate this" or "this feels bad" or "I don't want to do this" I just kind of think-yell "I really like this!" "this feels great!" "I am so glad I'm doing this/I want to do this so badly!". It's at the very least disorienting enough that it buys me another minute or two of control over whether or not I do the thing/continue doing the thing. There have been a few times that it's actually made me feel better completely.
I just started doing it, and it's not based on literally anything, so it might not help you at all, but it definitely doesn't hurt if you wanna give it a try.
VERY IMPORTANT - It backfires spectacularly if I try to persuade myself. If I try to say something like "oh I love the muscle ache I'm feeling because it means that I'm getting stronger" then I just end up in an argument with myself. "Am I getting stronger? Can I prove that? What am I even gonna do with that strength that it's so worth this achiness?" And then I end up grumpy and feeling like shit and I quit. I can't actually use anything falsifiable or try to give any kind of reason. It just has to be a simple, unfalsifiable, "I like this!!"
Oh hey, me too! I can't visualize things very well so my mind is usually a mess of my own thoughts and intrusive ones. I've actually been really good lately when it comes to executive function, which I think has to do with raising my HRT dose and getting acclimated to Ritalin.
This definitely sounds like something that would work on me though, I'll give it a try next time my body refuses to get up and do something.
I hope it helps you! Let me know if it does, I'm curious to find out if I might be onto something here.
Even as someone who usually enjoys a shower once I'm in it, I struggle with avoiding it, and the less I enjoyed the experience (due to sub-optimal shower size or weird water or anything) the worse it gets. I absolutely empathize. Avoidance and anxiety are such a tough nut to crack because even when you know 100% that avoiding it makes the anxiety worse, it's so hard not to avoid something that makes you so anxious. It's like wrangling cats to get your brain to consent to ordinary things.
Be kind to yourself about it. This shit sucks for you, and if you're like me you don't need the negative self-talk on top of it. My therapist keeps telling me to talk to myself the way I'd talk to a little kid feeling the same feelings and having the same problems. I can't speak for you, of course, but my default mental reaction to having executive function or anxiety problems is to berate myself and that is... not good! It doesn't help get things done and it doesn't help me feel better! And I think it does take some thinking about how I wouldn't talk to anyone else struggling like this the way I talk to myself.
Wrote a whole response, got distracted, page refreshed.
I do try to avoid the negative self-talk, I'm just particularly frustrated lately and my depression has been bad. The advice to talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone else in a similar situation is some that give my students frequently.
But as Alice says in Wonderland, "I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it."
Kicking myself while I'm down doesn't help. Which is probably why I waited until I did the thing to talk about it. So now I'm kicking myself while I'm up? Maybe? Mostly just annoyed with me and wanting to handle shit better while recognizing how deeply overwhelming being a caretaker + full time job is. It's only recently that everytime I wake up isn't jolting awake due to an urgent need.
Oh god I cannot emphasize enough how much I feel you. I've been in a mental health low ever since the new year and the frustration at just not being able to get over it and get shit sorted is weighing on me.
I did at least manage to collect the dirty laundry carpeting my bedroom into one big pile yesterday, and my wife was sick so I even left the apartment, albeit just to buy ginger ale. Gotta celebrate those victories myself ig!
Oh man the laundry pile is huge progress! So is leaving the apartment!
I used this thread as motivation to shower today too! I think having the camaraderie and sympathy with other people with the same/similar problems can be a help for me, apparently!
Yay for victories!
I struggle with this too, always have. Something that I often do when I really just cannot put it off any longer is to bring a speaker with me into the bathroom and have music playing. It can sort of distract from the chore that showering is. I bet that's part of the usual tips and tricks that you mention though?
Would be curious to hear those, by the way.
Music or continuing my podcasts is a thing! I have a dedicated waterproof shower speaker (even has rainbow lights) but forgetting to charge it can be a barrier.
So shower tips
I was managing the bottom two at best. I'm doing better now but.. yeah.
What a gem of a sentence!
Thanks for sharing, and glad you're doing better in comparison. I've started sitting on the floor as well, just kind of coping/vibing until I pull myself together to dry off and finish the rest of my routine
Sometimes it's a nice reminder that I'm good at my mental health job even if I'm not good at my mental health :-)
Keep on keeping on <3
I struggle/d with this.
I made some progress by trying to consciously compensate for my subconscious/automatic-thinking shortcomings. So whenever I feel lethargic, I try to think about where I want to end up (fit, clean, happy, etc.) in the distant future, and then try to rouse myself to perform the next action to achieve that vision.
That vision doesn't come naturally to me. I often just think about the dreariness of the next hour.
Yeah I don't have a lot of "future oriented" thinking. Not from any sort of suicidal thoughts, just that I'm very present oriented. So it doesn't help me much 😅
Aha, yeah, the "fake it until you make it" is real. Your self-talk becomes your (emotional) reality.
I am currently between jobs and am having a hard time staying motivated to apply for positions. The whole job application process touches on a lot of anxiety triggers namely
Giving out personal information
Ambiguous questions/Cultural expectations that I should be dishonest
Lack of feedback related to success or failure
The whole process feels so needlessly humiliating. In some ways I feel even more unhappy now despite the fact that my previous job was overworking and underpaying me.
Also between jobs, and that makes me feel pressured to take anything offered to me. Not having a job doesn't give me a leg up when bargaining for wages, but I don't think I should be paid less than a livable wage just because employers are in a position of power over me.
So on #2 on your list, here's how I overcame that bullshit. I learned that I didn't necessarily have get the ball in the hoop, I just had to hit the rim. I looked up all the dumb ambiguous and boring questions that employers learned they should ask from a middle management seminar they went to. I made a list and then wrote out the most honest answers I could muster. Even if I didn't completely answer their question I was still giving them something that taught them something about me. I found that interviewers are pretty happy with any answer that informs them about yourself. It's netted me pretty positive results, and I don't have to be disappointed in myself for being out of character.
Same. I dislike having a public profile and I am seeking professional help to revamp my linkedin because I find it so stressful.
Job hunting is incredibly difficult. I got around it somewhat once I had some work experience by taking contract work through agencies. But that limits your options and your chance to get ahead.
Extremely annoyed with my employer/client.
I was asked to evaluate a very expensive plan upgrade for our e-commerce platform because a critical feature we wanted was pay-gated. I spent last week reading through docs, meeting with sales reps, and then even built a perfect, non-hack solution that worked around the pay gate. I gave my conclusive recommendation that the upgrade was unnecessary and we wouldn't be able to utilize its other benefits in the near-to-medium term. He decides to go ahead with the upgrade anyway this week.
And then in the same email he had the gall to ask me why he doesn't see visible work done since last week.
I took a day to compose myself before composing a diplomatic reply.
If you've already mostly made up your mind about something, never ask someone to work that something that you're most likely going to override or disregard anyway.
I'm not doing so hot. At the beginning of January I broke up with my girlfriend of 2+ years and it has been devastating. What makes it extra hard is that it was really only circumstances that drove us apart – neither of us fell out of love, our lives are just heading in different directions and after 9 months of long-distance we still couldn't find a middle ground that would work for both of us. In every other breakup I've been through, one or both parties was fed up by the end, so it was a clean break. This time all those feelings are still there, and we're both having a hard time not contacting each other. I need to accept that it's over to really make progress and move on, but I can't help trying to imagine scenarios where it could still work out between us.
On top of this, things are very uncertain at work all of a sudden. What I thought was a fairly stable environment is now decidedly shaky, and if some rumors I've heard come true I could be looking for a new job as soon as this summer. As a socially anxious neurotic, that whole process fills me with terror.
I'm doing most of the things everyone says to do. I'm exercising, leaning on what little support network I have, and trying to be kind to myself and let myself grieve. But I feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm struggling with the fact that there's really nothing to look forward to at the moment besides time healing this wound.
Long distance breakups that aren't clean breaks are so hard. I am lucky to remain in contact with one of those exes in a loving friendship way. But that isn't always easy, or the best outcome even if it is. I have quite a few others that were much more negative.
Advice only if you want it.
With grief you might find some ease in writing things down - all the missed everything, why it has to be over, what could have been, what more likely would have been. Let yourself think through it all, write it down and see if that helps you get it out rather than distracting yourself. You can burn it or delete it. (I do not recommend sending it to the ex) or keep it somewhere, whatever makes sense to you.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Best of luck. We are here for you.
Doing a lot better than when I usually post in these threads.
Still a lot of ups and downs every single day, often several times a day. I will be starting a 20-week group therapy DBT thing on Tuesday though - makes me really anxious but I think it's time that I moved on from endless aimless individual talk therapy which never helps in the long run. I have something deeply wrong with my mind: severe BPD. DBT is proven to help though, sometimes with patients even going into complete remission. I do not have such high hopes for this (I would let myself down) but I do hope that it will be enough help that it allows me to go back to university in the summer. Also have people in my life now, a best friend even, which really helps a lot in every aspect.
However:
Rambling about self harm and sexual assault
I still want to hurt myself almost every day, and certain triggers are still very, very bad, but I am approaching three months of refraining which is the longest I've gone in over two years. I seem to have replaced it with occasional overeating which isn't great of course, but maybe this group therapy will help with just having it be totally gone instead of me replacing one bad coping strategy with another, slightly less bad, one.
On a more sour note, my CSA has been on my mind a lot more and I really want to confront my abuser - a family member - but I fear it would blow up everything. And I read that most people who confront come to regret it, something like 80% if I remember right. Besides, I only see him maybe once every two months, sometimes more, and one time last year I hadn't even thought about it a single time throughout the evening - only realising as I was going home. So maybe I'm not that traumatized? Maybe I'm coping? I don't really know because I do still have serious problems with intimacy for example, to the point of being a total fucking cliche and crying during certain kinds of intimacy, and I also had a flashback/nightmare about it just the other day .
I also often find myself thinking it's unfair that I have an objectively rather shitty life while he gets to go on month-long holidays, own a flat in the city, girlfriend, well-paying job, etc. So yeah, I kind of want him to feel the hurt as well, instead of pretending he doesn't remember (I hinted at it some 10 years ago). It seems very unfair, at least, that I'm the one who has to do all this therapy while he has next to no problems in life. I also fear that he would do to someone else what he did to me - which while not my responsibility nor fault would still crush me to know I could have done something to stop it. That's a whole philosophical question though.
It evidently continues to really fucking bother me. I sometimes fantasize about doing something like The Celebration (Danish movie) in which the man whose birthday is being celebrated is finally told on as his son holds a speech at the party, going into detail about how his father used to rape and molest him and his sister. That's not exactly going to help though, is it? Just cause more pain.
Ugh.
Fwiw you can be traumatized even if you don't think about it all the time, it just means you're coping and in the process of healing. And that's a perpetual work in progress. So is replacing unhealthy coping skills with more (even slightly) healthy ones. It's still present tense, not past, progress not perfection. And that's ok.
But all the credit to you for continuing to work through everything. I'm an Internet stranger and all but legitimately proud of you.
Thank you ❤️
I think an assessment I just made for a job vacancy I thought I had a decent chance for went rather poorly.
Shit.
I have pretty awful test anxiety and often avoid applying for types of jobs I'd potentially enjoy knowing this is part of the process. Working up the nerve to even take an assessment like this is an accomplishment. And I think any employer who relies heavily on these may want to reconsider their process. Maybe give the candidate a choice between a live quiz/exercise, and a take-home project to review.
I finally received my psychological evaluation results. I have moderate to severe ADHD inattentive, with bonus GAD and persistent depression. The doctor stressed the latter were caused by the ADHD, and she said her first thoughts were, "how did you make it so far all on your own?" So much fear, lots of threats from family/schools, a fuck ton of caffeine, and a lot of tears. I cried as she read the results to me, I couldn't help it. My scores all made it so obvious in hindsight. She said the system fails people like me all the time. I had the structure and accountability I needed throughout my childhood to be successful; my 5th and 6th grade teachers started giving me extra and more difficult work to do because I'd finish everything early and then be bored (my parents knew this). I lost all that structure as soon as I went to college, and I tried to get help there but their mental healthcare was woefully understaffed, underfunded, and had no idea what to do with me so I gave up. My professors thought I was just lazy and not smart enough, and so I started to believe that about myself too. But I'm not! I just needed help.
My mom said it explained so much about my life, even growing up. My dad most likely has it too, given I'm just like him and some of my cousins are also diagnosed.
I have my psychiatrist intake appointment on Wednesday morning and therapy later today. I'm looking forward to starting treatment.
I have a feeling that the good days are over at this job. The food budget was cut, a newer employee and a returning one were cut off their contracts. I'm having a hard time not taking it personally since these are people I knew and it's messed up that society is setup that the people you spend a giant chunk of time with can be exiled because it better serves the whims of an accounting department. Sucks all the more that c-suite made a very unforced error and the people on the ground are feeling the pain. 2 year anniversary, so usually I'd be leaving for greener pastures if it was still entry level but it still pays well, so I'm tempted to hold on as long as I can. Still, would like to at least know that people have left and are not showing up for the past week just because I'm not on morning shift and wasn't briefed day of.
There's also a friend who is outside of work, I enjoy being around them but they were talking about marriage and kids on an first date and I just enjoy having someone to be with. I don't really know what I want here, and try to explain that but I like their company. Trying to figure out my aceness, and I don't want to lead her on, gaslight myself, etc.
Feeling a bit shit today.
I have a lot of things I need to get painted by mid-March and I've been largely cranking on them. Today, I've already done about an hour of painting, but I want to take a break and now I'm beating myself up about it.
I really just want to relax and play some video games and not do much else, because I'm already feeling mildly depressed, but I'm just beating myself up worse for not getting the work done that needs to be done. I can't even look at my project right now without feeling totally crap about it.
I have lost some very expensive keys. In the process of tearing apart my apartment to look for them, I've made an absolute mess. My partner's PA isn't coming this week, and the apartment is a mess and I haven't found my keys.
This is an awful week.
It's been 15hrs since you've posted, I hope you've found your keys?
Nope.
I'm likely going to owe my job a lot of money. I have looked everywhere I can think of, three times.
I'm going to go check my storage unit on the off chance I moved something there that the keys had fallen into.
Oof </3
Continuing my awful week - thought I lost my partner's pain meds. I have to manage them for him which means they travel with me everywhere. And my ADHD has been awful as evidenced by the missing keys. And today I had a panic attack because I couldn't find them. I'd put them in my desk drawer. So they couldn't fall out of my pocket. 😭
Therapy is Monday. I just have to make it.