28
votes
Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (March 2026)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
EDIT: So I did it! Told my boss I'm leaving in two weeks. Was a bit bittersweet. They took it just fine and seemed as sympathetic as could be. Feels like a big weight has been lifted. Thank you to everyone in this thread (and elsewhere on Tildes) who wished me well and provided their own stories to relate to.
Original comment:
So tomorrow (Monday, March 2nd) I'm going to be quitting my job!
Well I'll be giving them two weeks of notice, but still, the cat will finally be out of the bag. I've known since about a year and a half ago that I'd be leaving (October 2024 to be exact), and have posted some bits and pieces of my situation here on Tildes before. TL;DR they don't value me at all. Workload has quadrupled, stress has quadrupled, blame has quadrupled, yet pay has stayed the same (which effectively means it's gone down thanks to inflation). Have spent the last year or so planning an international move (USA to Brazil), involving tons of bureaucracy and consulate visits and nonstop research and soon an apartment purchase as well. In truth I could probably stay a couple more months, but we will be heading over soon to start looking at apartments and hopefully put in an offer on one, so we needed to be flexible on dates and I've already used up all my limited vacation time. I'd have to let them know at some point, so I decided to just rip off the bandage tomorrow rather than try to plan a bunch of weekend trips with what few PTO days I have left.
I've never really quit a job before, so I'm nervous as fuck. This is my first and only 'real' job since graduate school. Before that I had various part-time jobs, but those were always with the understanding that it would just be temporary. But this job is differrent. I've been here for like 7 years and I really saw myself staying here long-term before the wool was lifted from my eyes at the end of 2024. And it's not like I'm leaving this job to start a new job immediately after. The plan is to move in the next month or two (pending the apartment purchase) and then get situated and basically take a sabbatical for the rest of 2026 while we adapt to our new lives. Then a fresh start in 2027. It's quite literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity given that my parents are also about to retire and have always planned on returning to Brazil once they did, plus we have a toddler that will need to start schooling in about a year. So the timing just feels right.
I'm not seriously having second thoughts or anything, I know that this is the right move for my family right now (wife is 100% on-board and supportive, though equally nervous). But I just know that tomorrow I'm going to have an uncomfortable conversation with my boss, that I suspect will come as a complete shock to them (though in my mind they really should have seen this coming, but who knows). I've imagined the scenario in my head a million times. I'd love to just go in and tell them how terrible they've made me feel and how incompetent I think they are, but then that'd be awkward as fuck for the remaining two weeks and I'd rather avoid it as much as possible. So I'm planning on being much more diplomatic and just saying that it's health-related (which it totally is because the stress of this job has really been taking its toll on me, first mentally and even physically in recent months). I know that leaving is not a spur-of-the-moment decision, I know that we have a solid plan lined up that we've been tweaking and working on for months, I know that things will be alright, but it's still a scary thing to leave the comfort and safety of the known, for the uncertainty of the unknown. Excited for the future, but anxious as hell.
Oh and in case I hesitate, I could just remind myself about how in my latest performance evaluation they faulted me for taking an 'excessive' vacation of 2.5 weeks, which I communicated and was given the okay for MONTHS in advance. I spent the first five years of my time here taking basically no vacations, using up all my PTO time for doctors visits and other miscellaneous life events (like one time I took 3 weeks of paternity leave which was really just all of my vacation time for that year since we don't actually have any paternity/maternity leave). But then the second I actually start taking some vacation time for actual vacations it's 'excessive'? Yeah okay.
I quit my job recently as well. The reasons were low pay, a long 2 hour commute that effectively garnished 2.5 hours of my wages from the expense of travelling there, my dad being rather difficult on days where I worked from home, and just being so pissed off with Oracle Fusion.
I have a (second stage) job interview tomorrow with a defense contractor, this time with their HR team rather than the head of finance.
Would have definitely walked from that curator job in your shoes. It sounds like you worked your ass off and they punished you for it.
Oh man yeah that commute sounds not pleasant to say the least. Good luck on your interview! And yeah I really wanted to just walk away entirely in 2024, but I didn't have any plans or anything at the time so I mustered everything I could to suck it up until I had a plan. Would have for sure left early 2025 if we didn't decide to move countries.
Hope the move to Brazil goes great. I've thought about leaving the UK, but I don't speak another language and much of the Anglosphere is even more anti immigration than we are.
Yeah immigration is a lot tougher than many people realize. My parents did the inverse when I was a kid (Brazil to USA) and I never fully appreciated how much work it was to leave your home country into a whole new culture with no family to rely on, just a basic grasp of the language, and that's it. I'm now doing immigration the easy way since I'm already Brazilian (just needed a visa for my wife) and have plenty of family over there already, and even still it's been months of planning and paperwork. That's a big part of why I want to take the sabbatical later this year, to ensure that my wife, who understands but doesn't fully speak Portuguese, can acclimate without much issue.
And forgive my ignorance, but would another part of the UK not feel different enough? We also briefly looked into Canada or Australia because of the lack of a language barrier, but I'm fairly sure they required a job lined up as a sort of sponsor. Much harder to just move first and figure out the details later.
Um... Canada, Ireland and Australia are not part of the UK. They used to be part of the British Empire before they became their own independent nations via their own circumstances. Ireland went independent after WW1 conscription led to a civil war and revolution. Australia and Canada went independent post-WW2 IIRC.
As for immigrating to Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland. They're experiencing similar problems and I think even if I moved to the Republic of Ireland (which I can under the CTA) they'd have it similarly bad.
Lol I was referring to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. I visited England once but did not know if those other three were distinct enough or if they felt mostly similar in terms of culture and daily life. I just included Canada and Australia because they are also English-speaking and we just happened to look into them about a year ago before coming up with our plan for Brazil.
And unfortunately I think a lot of places are experiencing problems. So for me it feels like a pick-your-poison situation where I have to just accept some things in order to get away from others. Brazil isn't perfect by any means, but I feel like it's the best for our specific situation. I hope you can find somewhere that feels equally perfect for you!
If it's any reassurance, I did something like this - basically got fed up with an abusive employer and rebooted my life with a cross-country move and no immediate job prospects.
It wasn't always easy - we only took about two months to plan, but didn't have to contend with emigration. The end result was that I strengthened my relationship with my spouse, cleaned up the physical and mental health damage from the toxic job, found a much more congenial environment, community, and lifestyle, and luckily was in a much safer place when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. I have absolutely zero regrets, and you have my best wishes that you and your family will benefit similarly from the journey.
Yup, that's the exact dream I'm hoping to achieve. Glad it worked out for you! It's part of what makes it feel so tense right now. Because I can see that finish line in sight, just need to actually push through these last 100m of the marathon. And thanks for the well wishes!
sounds like you have a lot to celebrate!
🎉 you recognized that your work environment wasn't great, and decided to do something about it
🎉 you hung on for over a year while you sorted out what you wanted to do
🎉 you have a solid plan and a supportive family
🎉 only a couple more weeks until you start your next chapter
Thanks for the support!
Deep down I know you're right and I truly am confident in my decision. It's just hard not to feel nervous at such a big life change.
Congratulations!
I understand that you're nervous and all that, bit still: congratulations!
Thanks! Hopefully some of the nerves go away after tomorrow.
Congrats on everything! International moves are always a gargantuan effort so kudos to you for navigating that, searching for a job, and dealing with your current job all at the same time. Best of luck in Brazil!
Thanks! It has indeed been a massive effort, but hopefully pays off and then some.
I hope you can store this instance of quitting into an appropriatly labeled box in your mind.
Others just don't care that much about us... Like we may have anxiety around a lot of things but other people just don't think that much about us and what we do. As long as we don't are assholes we're good!
(Sry, I'm having severe difficulties being clear... I'm trying to be encouraging!)
Hey thanks, I totally get what you mean. I was actually thinking the same thing recently. Like it's such a life-altering thing for me and yet mostly the reactions were pretty mild relative to how anxious I was. I'm glad there was no negative reaction or anything, it just feels a bit anticlimactic. The juxtaposition between how huge of a decision this is for me compared to how little it impacts other people's lives feels like a blow straight to the ego. I wasn't expecting waterworks or anything, but I was surprised how much it just felt like a regular week at the office this past week.
Good life lesson I guess. I'll try and remember this feeling next time I have a big thing to get off my chest.
Poor. My existence has always felt Kafka-esque, but it's felt worse than usual.
My city was(is?) being occupied by a Gestapo. At bare minimum, it's been a negative drag on everyone's mental health, but it's absolutely terrifying to experience. I keep counting my lucky stars that no one knocked on my door, and that no one that I know got taken, but there's just such a sense of looming doom here. Medicare dollars are also now being held up for my state, probably to be released after another series of lawsuits.
Speaking of Healthcare, I've been rationing medications since October, when I lost my job at an awful medium sized nonprofit. My Welbutrin was the first to run out, so I just went cold turkey on it. No side effects at least. I found out on Friday that my health care doesn't kick in until May 1st. I should have just enough remaining in my other 4 meds to make it to then, but honestly, I haven't started counting what I've got left for pills. Additionally, I need to go to a doctor for an ENT thing that's causing some discomfort, but it'll have to wait 2 months I guess.
The American attacks on Iran have sat with me all weekend. I'm terrified at the prospect of the conflict snowballing, but also I find myself grieving for the people of Iran.
I made an effort to go to Church on Sunday specifically because of the war in Iran, and I wanted to find some solace. Usually, my church is pretty good about addressing the ills of the present. Unfortunately, the sermon was a guest rector who had some prewritten sermon. Specifically, it was for women's history month, outlining the genderless nature of God, and highlighting Biblical women - all of things I support in liturgy, mind you, but it didn't meet the moment of having a rapist president deploying war machines on populaces following his campaign of sending the Gestapo to my city. Anyways, the hymn that followed was titled "God the Father" or something, and I found myself skipping coffee hour.
My best friend had trauma bubble up last week, and she started having really bad flashbacks. I ended up taking care of her two nights last week. I'm expecting to need to do more for her this week. I'm in a delicate balance between keeping my mental health together, and doing my best for a dear friend.
I also find myself at the mercy of a banking system. My wife and I pay the mortgage out of our joint account, and sending my pay from my personal account to the joint account apparently needs to take 4 days and potentially mean my mortgage doesn't get get drafted out of autopay correctly. This could easily be rectified if say, I was able to modify autopay agreements when I'm waiting for funds to transfer, but that seems beyond the abilities of the modern banking system. Or at the very least, I'd love it if I didn't find my savings nibbled away at by student loans and medical debt.
So yeah, Fascism is here, and my coping strategy has been to self medicate with cannabis.
I have a decent life. I have own house, an amazing partner, great friends, and a fulfilling career. In so many ways, I find myself blessed, privileged and fortunate. However, I am frequently find myself doing my damnedest to not be crushed by the unreasonableness of this world. There is an insidious, dark venom that has seeped into the world, poisoning reality. I don't see it leaving anytime soon, and if it does, it will likely be some gradual unwinding that never actually corrects the ills that were dumped onto my generation.
I relate to this feeling a lot. I'm actually in a rather comfortable position in many ways. In some ways even moreso than you. At the same time, it's difficult to not get affected with the way the world is right now. Hell, I've actually managed to improve my mental health a lot the past year. Which is disorienting given the direction the world is taking.
This all doesn't make your problems any less, mind you. You have a lot going on and deserve to be affected by those problems. Hopefully you don't need to hear that from an Internet stranger. Sometimes we need reminders like that, though.
Take care. It is rough out there. 🫂
I've been having a bit of an internal crisis due to everyone's favorite topic - AI.
I haven't really been able to put much professional time into programming because my job is very programming-lite / adjacent. My management is pushing me to use AI for some different tasks where I would be programming or at least thinking harder, and I've come to three conclusions.
AI is a better programmer than me. This isn't imposter syndrome, this is a lack of my own skill set.
I don't want to spend the rest of my career wrangling AI to try to make it do a required task.
I should still invest some time into actually learning to wrangle AI so I know what I'm talking about in future conversations, and can learn when it would actually be useful.
For point 2, this has steered me into the direction of wanting to become a full-time business analyst. The people side of developing software requirements will always be necessary, even if a future AI can somehow make the entire thing in one go when fed these requirements. I'm fortunate enough to have a lot of this on my resume, but I'm lacking project management certifications, and a lot of the formalities I see requested in job descriptions, so it won't be easy.
But that doesn't stop me from having a breakdown over how much this has changed everything.
I’m also attempting to cope with AI being a permanent part of my work life, its also going just okay.
I just don’t like that I cant see what I’m doing. On a web page I can open the dev console and have a pretty good idea of how something is working but talking to a chatbot I get nothing.
I’m pushing an initiative at my own company to make our AI product more trouble-shoot-able, and some baby steps have been taken, but its such a large mountain to climb.
Kudos for trying to do something about it. It's far too easy to feel powerless and just accept things.
I’m a fighter, I guess. I am pretty tired though
Not great.
Quit my job two weeks ago. Was a long time coming because a lot of things about it pissed me off.
I think what has me down at the moment is someone last night at karaoke asking if I had Asperger's, because she noticed I talk a lot like the main character in The Good Doctor. It's a show I never watched and it seems like a mix between House and Rain Man - a bit of media that pushes misinformation and stereotypes about autism by showing us as savants.
Yes, I do have Asperger's but I don't like people picking that apart about me, especially when I've spent a lot of my teenage years masking it because to my parents and brother, I was "labelled" and there's nothing wrong with me.
I also worry about a tipsy conversation I had in the car heading home. One of the people I went with isn't on good terms with his FtM trans son (I didn't know they were related but now I can sorta see the resemblance) and I maybe went into a short (maybe off topic) rant about others misgendering him and I worry I said too much. I'm the kind of guy who always refers to someone by their preferred pronouns and he's always been respectful to me.
At the moment I feel lost. Not sure what I want to do next. Stick to accountancy and potentially have my whole profession replaced by agentic AI, or go into something else. Maybe hosting karaoke, maybe art. That's why I bought a drawing tablet recently after all.
Nothing much to say, but I do think it was an advantage for both of you that you didn't know it was his son.
This way it might[0] have came out as you just standing up for his son and not as you badgering him.
I just think that in a conflict giving someone a hug is more powerful than giving the other a shove. Especially showing the person in the wrong that they are alone in their view can be quite useful.
[0] tipsy conversations are harder to judge after all ;)
[1] obviously shoving has it's place too
I definitely was standing up for him. It's not that I feel worried I upset his dad because I didn't (it sounds like they fell out over other things.) More worried I may have painted someone else we knew as a transphobe - don't particularly want to drag others into conflict.
Ah, I see, I misunderstood.
Well, I definitely understand and agree on this point anyway. I detest talking about others.
Partner is back in the hospital with sepsis. How? I don't know. We've been doing home IV antibiotics for a diagnosed infection but it wasn't to the level of sepsis! And so he's in the ICU for now, and we were at the ER at 4am so I'm exhausted.
I have taken a total of, maybe, 2 minutes to cry, pretty intensely. Because I'm so tired.
But at least he's in town this time. And very close to my job. And thankfully spring break is soon. But damnit.
So partner has been out of the hospital for a week. I'm dealing with a lot. Mostly I slowly feel like I'm failing because I can't keep the house clean/laundry caught up/etc. I can't afford to pay anyone. Cleaning has never been my skill set. And I'm just drowning in medical supplies, cat food, dishes, dirty clothes.
I'm not eating great, not in a disordered eating way, but in a "not bothering to eat lunch" and "partner wasn't up for dinner so fuck it, here's some crackers and cheese" way. Money is tight, we're trying to get some debt paid off and not panic about the cost of buying new glasses or fuck, gas and groceries if the strait stays closed.
I didn't end up getting a tablet for my birthday, taxes went to tires on the car and rebuilding savings. I'm trying to keep the groceries I bought before the second hospital trip from going bad but I could only freeze so much.
And my partner may end up being dropped from his pain contract through his own actions that I tried to protect him from and couldn't. And I'm angry and I don't get and stay angry easily so I'm working through that. He'll have to start over at a new pain clinic if so. Hopefully not. But I can't control it.
Shit sucks. And I don't know what to do about any of it. For example: Trying to economize but also trying to look at things like an automatic litter box to save the work. But then, also, the cheaper ones have a lawsuit alleging they kill cats, but the expensive ones are so expensive. So I should just scoop the litter like an adult. But I'm overwhelmed and scooping the litter is an area I'm really struggling with right now for no particular reason other than it's unending and my partner can't help and my brain is a dick about it.
It's no win.
2 > 0
I'm big on actually feeling the feelings, so well done in another shit situation!
My mental health has been better lately. I think. I still have issues and cry during therapy, but I'm better than before.
I've recently realised that my body doesn't seem to be able to differentiate getting depressed, and just coming down from adrenaline from a normal thing like a social situation.
The feeling of the adrenaline lowering will start make me want to hate myself? I don't know if that makes sense. When I realised what was happening, I have to actively remind myself that everything is okay whenever my adrenaline is lowering to calmness.
What an interesting observation, thanks for sharing.
Feelings and stuff are really complex things aren't they, and it seems they are more "thingy" than I'm comfortable to admit to myself (I mean as actual molecules moving around in me having different effects).
A bit better? I've finally managed to gain enough energy to clean my apartment. I'm not done but it's a lot better than it was.
I started a bunch of different projects but I'm not sure if I feel better from depression because I have projects to look forward to, or if I have projects to look forward to because I'm momentarily less depressed. Not sure which came first.
Work still isn't great though. Still having problems with executive functioning. Really want to look into switching up and getting into non-profit work where I can help small businesses with their design and branding and get paid for it.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better-ish :)
I think you're the person that helped a small indigenous restaurant with branding, etc. If so, how is that going? Any good meals, leads or other stories come of it?
I find this part:
very interesting. I've spent so much time pondering these kinds of relationships but in my current life I'm trying very much to not think about it too much. Instead I'm trying to enjoy the ride while it lasts.
Yep, that's me!
It's slowed down a bit. I made their menus, finalized their branding and provided all the branding artwork to them in various formats. Still waiting on estimates from my job on some of the specialty signage.
I made a few guideline pages on taking food photos and photos with customers and stuff so they can send to me to use for their Social Media accounts, but they haven't really been following it or sending me anything, so I don't have much to post on their social media. But that's more on them than it is on me. I still try to post and share missing indigenous persons information and a few other things.
I think the next big step is getting their signage in order. So street and sidewalk signage, window signage, and their building sign. But as I said, still waiting on estimates for that.
But they're business has been picking up, they've been super busy recently, so that's great and I feel like I made a difference.
And I'm looking into non-profits that work with under-represented businesses. I think right now a dream job would be working with a non-profit organization on branding and design for businesses like this. It scratches multiple itches and is actually satisfying.
Yeah, I try not to think too hard about it either and enjoy it. The one thing I have to look out for is how much I'm spending money wise. I'm not in a manic spending frenzy mode, I still create a BOM for the projects alongside researching the absolute cheapest parts and working out budget, buuuut... it's still more than I spend on non-essentials than when I'm depressed with no projects.
I've been trying to figure out how to say something, but I don't find a way that I'm satisfied with... So I'll blurt something out and hopefully I can explain it better in a dialogue.
I think there is value in leaning a bit on the people at the restaurant, maybe go there an extra time or two to check in with things, or even casually help out with the dishes in exchange for a meal.
In my limited experience (helping people in a "teach to fish" rather than a "give a fish"-way) there can be a bit of unconscious testing (for lack of a better word) from their part to see if you are for real. Like if they are going to put in the effort you're asking of them they might want to be sure that you are going to stick around and are not only using them as a stepping stone.
I hope this makes some kind of sense.
Complicated. I'm untangling some core issues of mine. And funny enough, I now have to live in the moment more instead of managing myself. Which, after more than a decade of recovery, is difficult. Letting go of what helped me improve so much is difficult.
There's also an issue with my ex-crush. They're not doing well, and we're not in contact. I really want to remain friends, and they've expressed the same.
I can only wait for them to contact me again as they wanted space until my crush is gone. Now that it's gone, which I communicated, they said they wanted to wait for a bit because they're tired. And I now can only wait.
But I just miss them so much. :\ We used to talk nearly every day and it still feels like something got ripped out of my life.
Writing this because I am at the moment not doing okay, but I also know I will be okay in a bit (or a day, or a few, or weeks...)
I've made a lot of headway in settling into the new apartment. Some of it is definitely deferred work (unorganized boxes shoved into a closet, closet itself is a bit of a disaster) but it's nice to see less boxes stacked up. I finally opened up the two boxes for the Ikea Norden (recommended by user here when I asked for input on apartment layout) and will hopefully have some time to assemble that this weekend, because I've been living the r/malesurvivingspace life when it comes to eating dinner (on the rug, footstool as table). I am not accepting commentary at this time regarding the footstool being a dinner table!
The new apartment is a chill 7 minute walk to the river. The park is okay. I'm not a big fan of the times when other parkgoers are there to smoke weed (not saying they can't since it's a public space; it just means I get up and go somewhere else). Overall an acceptable sidegrade for lunchtime walks - much less car traffic, no leaf blowers to walk through once I do get to the walking trail at the river. No option for a guilty pleasure Starbucks on the way back but that's probably for the best lmao.
I freezer meal prepped enough for the week, and won't need to go grocery shopping this weekend to make the same amount of food next week. I do some light biking/walking during lunch hour. I'm doing the solo adult thing and it doesn't feel like a struggle to do them. I really do feel proud of small things like that because none of these were things I could do easily last year.
But I can't seem to get away from being set off into an ugly crying mess even on what seems to be the best days. I have been told over and over again that the whole grieving process will come and go in cycles and that over time it will feel better, and I'm sure the logical brain understands that (and that's the answer I'd give to friends or professionals) but in the meantime I will just... see, hear, or think certain things and somehow be led back to old memories or conversations and great, now I am just burning through tissue paper crying during work hours. I had to disable the stupid memories collection things that Apple/Google photos shoves at you because the next 8 months' worth of photos will be of my ex or her cat, who I also saw as our cat (stray I took in from my high school classmates' network that I sent to her ahead of my own move-in), but that doesn't disable me looking at the spring leaves growing back and remember conversations we had last year about that. Maybe Apple Maps will stop trying to route me to our old address any day now. I don't think I'm consciously dwelling on what is now a four month old breakup and I'm not consciously wondering what she's doing or how she's doing (we are still friends) and it feels like I'm "over it". I guess I'm "over it" in the sense that I don't miss her anymore, but I'm not really over it because now I'm just upset that despite objectively doing better for myself as an individual, I still felt much, much happier two years ago than I do now.
Anyways, a good 70% of all this is probably just hormones anyways. like clockwork at the turn of the month. I am sure it will pass in a few more days.
I'm a mixed bag. Last year I broke up with my fiance due to irreconcilable issues after having been together for 3 years. She was the love of my life and I wanted to be with her, but there were core incompatibilities I had with her family (they were evangelical christians who judged me endlessly and lived a very odd lifestyle) and her own religious views which she had not fully reconciled. It also felt like there wasn't any balance in the effort being put into maintaining the relationship, and it seemed like she lacked emotional intelligence, stability, and maturity. She also lied and deceived me into believing that she shared my beliefs on relationships, marriage, raising children, etc. After breaking up with her, I tried very hard to work things out, but ultimately she wanted to part ways. She was the only person I ever truly was crazy about. There were so many issues in the relationship, but there were so many beautiful aspects of it as well. I had never connected with a person like I did with her. We communicated so well and spending time with her felt effortless.
And then it all ended. And it all felt like I was duped and clowned.
So at the age of 30, in a very poor mental state, I moved back in with my parents to the house I grew up in, and have been here for the past 6 months as I work from home. I've made strives to form new relationships via hobbies in the community and reconnected more with old friends and family. And all of that has been soothing. But I feel a very deep longing for a connection like I had with my fiance. And I fear that I will never find that sense of love and safety again.
I manage to get through each day (mainly by shoving as many distractions in front of my face as possible, like following tech news, working, playing video games, going to yoga and rock climbing), but under the surface I'm extremely sad and feel stuck.
I'm very preoccupied with my NP-assessment.
It's hard to think about anything else in a meaningful way...
I went to my second appointment yesterday, this time the psychologist started with a structured interview for autism. I hate it, I feel like I answer everything wrong.
(Although I'm relieved she started with autism and not ADHD because I'm more worried that autism will be dropped if ADHD is found but not the other way around. No idea how justified, still a worry I have.)
There where several questions about social interactions, friends and friendships. They made me really sad (afterwards, when I got time to think/feel about it). The sadness has something to do with something like: no, I realise I might not really know how to befriend someone interesting. I do have friends (not that many, but still) but I haven't really chosen anyone, just ended up with people that have for inexplicable reasons chosen me. This saddens me.
Maybe I will remember to say that next time I go. In three weeks. I'm not looking forward to be stuck with this until then. We'll see. Ugh!
I did manage to write something down, about another part, later at home:
On the other hand the snow has melted away, so until it comes back as it does occasionally in march & april I can be barefoot again. This I like, a lot!
On the third hand I'm not quite recovered from my cold and I have a few somatic things going on that I'm not thrilled about: a tooth thing and a dizzy/balance thing. If they don't get better over the weekend I'll do something about it.
Today is a day in my life. One day of all days.
Today I finalised the sale of my dead mothers apartment, but I haven't called the bank yet to confirm the money is there. I'm super insecure around adulting, but I think it makes sense to not give in too early to the anxiety. I will call in a bit, but I will have lunch, do the dishes and pack my bag for the afternoons adventure before calling to confirm.
Today I will celebrate the spring equinox with some friends and my kid and a couple of their friends. The idea is to take the last "winter bath" and the first "summer bath" at the time of the equinox (I must remember to pack or find a good stick/poke or similar in case the ice is still there). I'm also preparing to make a fire and, that's it! Maybe we'll go home after and make some food or something, we'll see what people are up for.
I have feelings but I'm trying to not focus too much on them.
I find myself thinking a lot about friendships.
Or rather I realise I do some small things quite often that someone taught me and everytime I do the thing I think about that person. I think of them fondly, but I also wonder why we never really became friends.
One of them, I haven't talked with in years, that makes it slightly less heavy. The other one I still chase from time to time (and now is one of those periods, but instead of reaching out I hold off on reaching out, since I don't feel it's welcome but I still think about it several times a day).
I'm sad, but not sad enough to cry. Maybe I can't really grief since I somehow think we will become friends soon.
I got the tooth thing fixed yesterday (and it seems to have helped with the dizziness too): it was loose, and now it's gone! (There is a whisper of a tune playing in my head, but I don't know which one.)
I feel so stupid writing this but I have to tell someone about that. Ever since I was diagnosed with autism, a lot of small things suddenly became clear. Yesterday my wife told me she had invited two people to have lunch at our home. My participation was not required. Around noon she sent me a message that the food was ready for me to pick up in the kitchen. When I got there I saw what felt, to me, like a massive crowd I had no idea how to respond to. I had to enter the crowd a few more times to talk to her, and only now I am realizing why I had such a terrible day. I was anxious and exhausted and didn't know why. Well, I wasn't preapared for the crowd in my kitchen all day long. I am sure they think I hate them now, but I did not have any words or facial expressions prepared for them.
Thank you for telling us.
It's encouraging for me to read about someone understanding something about themselves. Makes me feel less alone and also hopeful.
Managing, working at home, and blowing off work a little more than I'm comfortable with. Helping my brother with some personal stuff and looking for outpatient therapy for mental health that has probably been a long time coming. I got a lot of reasons on why I've been putting it off, and I think I should honestly try it again and see if anything can help out some. At least I should get started before our country's health director declares that hard labor is the cure for all mental ills.