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LGBTQ individuals, how's life?
I'm curious how many of us there are on here. This was asked awhile ago but I'm curious how things might have changed since then. Some ideas for discussion:
- When did you realize you weren't cis/straight/etc?
- Are you out or still in the closet?
- How's the social situation where you live? (Are you accepted?)
- In a relationship? If so, how did you meet?
- Anything on your mind? (Doesn't have to be related to your identity/orientation.)
I've written my own answers as a comment. For reference, I'm a 27 year old trans woman (MtF), and I consider myself bisexual (and biromantic, though I've always gravitated towards women).
I knew I was bi since high school (never experimented until college though), but I never really had dysphoria until college, but I never exactly "felt like a man", either. In my junior year of college, a female friend mentioned she was going to get rid of some old clothes and I asked if I could try them on, and seeing myself in a dress made me realize that this was what I wanted. It was like something clicked and after taking off the clothes I started to experience dysphoria, which only got worse as I mulled over it more and more on my own. I guess my friend must have realized how happy I was with it on because she let me keep her old clothes. Eventually I came out to her and she was very supportive, helping to teach me how to do makeup and picking out clothes with me, but that took several months to finally admit to myself. (She is now my wife but I'll get to that in a bit.) For the first year of my transition I refused to use anything but family or single occupant restrooms because I didn't think I'd pass well enough to avoid harassment.
My family and friends know. I pass decently well at this point so I don't get many people asking (and if I don't know them well I'm not going to tell them the truth).
My grandparents are still a bit iffy but my parents fully support me and most of my cousins. There have been a few less than pleasant encounters in the past (just verbal harassment) but it's fairly rare at this point. It probably helps that I live in a larger city now.
As I mentioned above, I am married to a (bisexual homoromantic) woman. We met in marching band in our first year (I played trumpet, she was on alto sax) and became close friends. She was the first person I came out to and my first (and so far, only) partner after I began my transition. I had had a crush on her for awhile but never acted on it as a man (I didn't realize she was bisexual since I only ever heard about her female dates).
Our relationship first began around 6 months into my transition. I had came out to my grandparents and they were very vocal in their disapproval. I was devastated and came to her a complete wreck. She let me spill everything out, comforting me and making sure I didn't neglect myself. Eventually she offered to let me spend the night with her and I said sure. I got into her bed and she said to wake her up if I wanted to talk or needed anything. She probably saved my life that night, I was honestly ready to end it after the verbal abuse my grandparents gave me. She fell asleep first so I had time to think to myself, and I realized my feelings for her were more than a crush at that point. In the morning I told her I thought of her as much more than just a friend and asked if we could go on a date and she said yes. 3 years ago I proposed to her.
My manager said he's recommending me to take over his position when he retires later this year. I've always wanted to do management work, it'll be interesting.
Edit: Phrasing.
Edit 2: Note about bathroom usage.
When did you realize you weren't cis/straight/etc?
As a child. It just didn't make sense. My romantic thoughts were about men, mostly. As a got older, I got a better understanding of the complexities of the situation. Now, at 57, I consider myself queer, in that my reactions and feelings are much more based on the individual, and not so much the external definitions.
Are you out or still in the closet?
Out since about 13.
How's the social situation where you live? (Are you accepted?)
That's an odd one. I lives most of my life in Miami, and it was an on again/off again issue. I am now living in a semi-rural area near Gainesville, Fl., and no one really seems to give a damn. In addition, I am very much involved in the local Hindu community, and again there the issue is 90% a non-issue.
In a relationship? If so, how did you meet?
Not a romantic relationship, but a very close friendship with my housemate. Oddly enough, we met when I was living as a monk in a Hare Krishna temple. He was visiting from another temple, and i was selling pizza in the lobby.
The latter: more or less the moment I started being attracted to people, which pretty much always happened entirely regardless of their gender. It took me some years to notice that this isn't the default, though ā that was a weird realization.
The former, this April. The hints for that part reach back into early puberty for me, but I didn't really have the language nor the confidence to describe my experiences.
I came out to some close friends as bi, and later to my (catholic but rather progressive on these issues) parents, too. Since then I've basically been acting as if everyone knew. Pretty liberating. I'm not out as enby/gender-confused mess to anyone IRL except two therapists, and unless things go wrong intensely somewhere, I intend to keep it that way for a while.
Regarding the sexuality issue, luckily, yes. Nearly without exception, people either genuinely don't care or are supportive ā¦ in their own ways. I do have massive anxiety about coming out as trans though.
No, and I don't intend to pursue one until I sort some things out, including (but not exclusively) my gender identity.
Three entirely unrelated things:
I always liked people. Gender never mattered to me.
In the third grade I became close friends with a girl who was very much a tomboy and I distinctly remember not understanding why genders were separated the way they were or what they even meant. I still have no fucking clue what gender really is.
For most of my life I compartmentalized who knew what. So I've been out to select people when it was important for that relationship or I felt like they were deserving to know. Literally yesterday I decided to finally come out to my family and they were way more supportive than I thought they would be.
I live near SF, so I'm in the area of basically the gay capital of the world. It's extremely accepting.
A few; I'm poly. Mostly women or enbies, but one male. I'm attracted to cute people and generally speaking women tend to be cuter.
Gender; always. Can someone please explain gender to me. Also monoamory, I don't understand that either. Also, what even is romance? I'm a hot mess...
I wouldn't mandate it on anybody, but I think some people are "wired that way," so to speak, and I'd say I'm one of those people.
Let me explain it with food. When I go to a restaurant, I'll try out something that sounds good. If it's delicious, I will never order anything else there again and will simply keep getting that same dish every time I return. If the meal isn't what I wanted, I'll try something else the next time I'm there, and I'll do that until I find my delicious dish, at which point the exploration stops and I will, as previously mentioned, never order anything else there ever again.
Why am I like this? Wouldn't I want to try out others and see what I'm missing? Don't I get bored of the same thing over and over?
And my answer is... no! That weirdly has no pull for me. The idea of sitting down to a meal that I know I love holds way more sway for me than trying out other things that might not be as good. Even if there is something technically better out there, I'd rather have my trusty favorite! Also, that trusty favorite dish never seems to get old. I'm content to have it over and over again. There are some that I've been having for years and I still look forward to them when I sit down at the table. I don't want to add anything to them either, because that changes what they are. I love them as is!
That's monoamory for me. My husband is my trusty favorite, and he never gets old for me. He's the one I want to come home to and have across the table, every day. I don't feel a need to add someone to what we have. I'm happy to be with him, and only him, indefinitely.
A dish doesn't have feelings, wants or desires. The absolute most important thing to me in a relationship is that my partner is happy and has their needs fulfilled. I don't restrict who they get to see, whether they interact with their family and how, nor what sort of relationships they wish to pursue. I'm only a single person and I can only offer what I can do. In the same way that most people let their partner seek out friends that also like football, or who are also into video games or who like politics or breed horses or knit or whatever activity or interest they are into, I'm entirely comfortable letting my partner seek out whatever they need from other people to fill in the blanks or even overlap and get extra support when I'm not available or they just want a different mix.
But where do you draw the line? Surely you have friends that fulfill emotional and intellectual needs that your husband cannot - why is sex (or romance, yet another thing I don't understand) some weird line that cannot ever be crossed? I understand you might not have these desires to friends and family which are satisfying other needs you have that your partner cannot provide (or you would prefer to be provided by someone else) but why artificially restrict yourself just because you don't see yourself wanting or needing it today?
And many poly people have a primary. In fact, nothing in your post is contradictory of a poly lifestyle at all (which is why I find it so confusing)!
Yeah, the food metaphor can only go so far.
It's hard to put into words, because while I'm absolutely supportive of polyamorous people and relationships, I simply don't feel the need for that myself. You framed it as artificial restrictions, but I don't feel restricted. Quite the opposite, really, I feel fulfilled!
This doesn't mean there aren't other people who meet different needs, and it doesn't mean I stopped finding other men besides my husband attractive, but those other people also aren't him, you know? That's the intangible part I'm having trouble pinning down, and probably why I'm talking in metaphors.
Another one: I feel similarly about dogs. I love dogs. They're awesome! I love everything about them. But I love my dog more than any other dog, and I don't feel limited having him and only him in my life. Instead, he helps me feel fulfilled, and I return the favor.
I guess I can say that my husband is "enough." That sounds dismissive, but I mean it in the best possible light. If romance is a journey, I found my destination, and to me, stopping there is where I want to be. It's more satisfying than the traveling was to me. I don't feel the need to journey again, and I relish the time I have at my stop.
I say all of this to convey a feeling rather than a mindset or a prescriptive judgment. I didn't set out to be monoamorous, nor do I have some belief that it's better or superior in any way. I wouldn't impose it on anyone. If my husband came to me with the idea of him engaging with someone else romantically, it's something we'd have to talk about, but it wouldn't necessarily be off the table. I care about his happiness and want to make sure he's fulfilled. I'm sure he would feel the same way if I were to approach him with the same suggestion for myself. I guess the strongest support for my feelings is that in the nearly 10 years we've been together I've never felt I need to do so.
Does any of this help make sense of it? I don't feel like I'm doing a great job of explaining it. To me the idea is similar to knowing whether you're gay or trans. There's a lot you can say as support, but at some fundamental point it boils down to "I just know", and that's kind of how it is for me.
This is precisely the part that confuses me. Why structure it closed with a conversation being required rather than open with a conversation happening because they want to involve you in their life? It seems an odd way to approach things. I mean, you've both spent 10 years together and neither of you have felt the need, so why is it this unwritten contract?
Would you have still pursued dating him had he told you he was poly from the beginning?
It's just very confusing to me why society has continue to uphold and enforce monoamory the way it has.
Yeah that's in general what these discussions tend to arrive at. I guess I should stop trying to figure out why most people's brains are not like mine. I'm kind of neuro-diverse so it probably shouldn't surprise me that I don't understand some things that normal people just 'get'.
Great questions. I appreciate you digging into this topic, and it's given me a lot to reflect on. I wish I could be more articulate with my answers, but I'm finding myself struggling to find the right words, and I don't know if that's because it's a topic I've never really personally interrogated before (I've never really sat down to wonder why I'm monoamorous) or because I just started back up at my job (I'm a teacher) and my brain is having trouble adjusting to the sudden shift in workload. I don't know that what I'll share is illuminating, but it's my honest perspective as best as I can express it.
I think part of the relationship with me and my husband is an accumulation. We're not just two people who get along, but we're two people who have chosen to point our lives in the same direction and go that road together. When I talk with him I'm talking with the foundation of a significant amount of accumulated trust and understanding that has come with time and navigating life. There's a significant history there.
The reason I'd want to talk about any potential romantic interests or pursuits is the same reason I'd want to discuss any big decision that applies to us. To use another comparison (can you tell I like these?), we just made a big shift in our relationship and have changed up our dietary habits significantly. He proposed the idea, we talked through it, and came to some conclusions based on what we both felt. This is new to us, a pretty sizable upheaval, and we will navigate it together as issues arise. We did the same thing when we bought a house, or when we got a dog, or when we moved apartments, or when either one of us changed jobs. It's not that the conversation happens because of some restriction. It happens because we've made it such that our life decisions aren't independent but collective.
Furthermore, with regard to the idea of adding a romantic partner specifically, I'd want to make sure that our priorities are still in alignment and that my understanding of him and his needs is accurate. Thus far I have ten years of weight behind my understanding of him, and those ten years have all been mutually monoamorous. Certainly every relationship shifts and changes over time, but for the time that we've been together there's been the continually reinforced message that we are in this together and have made the other a priority. If there were to be someone added to the mix, I'd want to talk about how that might influence what we currently have. It wouldn't be a hard no, but it would definitely be something I'd want to understand.
With regards to your question about whether I would have dated him had he been upfront about being poly, it's hard to say. At the time we started dating I knew next to nothing about the concept, and if I'm being honest I'd say I still don't know much. It's a bit of a blind spot for me. I actually think some of my stumbling over concepts is because I don't have a thorough understanding of it or its related terminology (your post was my introduction to the idea of a "primary", for example).
Based on who I was at the time, I think I would have had a hard time with someone who wanted to be able to see other people in addition to me, but I think that would have come less from a place regarding my feelings on poly relationships and more regarding my own insecurities. I was deeply insecure about entering the gay scene as someone who came out later in life. I felt inexperienced and ignorant. Almost everyone was younger and more attractive than me. The people my age were seasoned veterans. I was also deeply paranoid about STIs, primarily HIV, having grown up in its shadow. I think I would have seen paths to multiple partners as both invalidating and risky.
I'm not saying this is the right way to look at it, but that's probably how I would have felt at the time as best as I can say so now, in hindsight. My mindset is a lot different now, and while I'm not necessarily into the idea of being in a poly relationship myself, I can acknowledge that it's right for others. Are my own feelings essentially constructed ones because I grew up in a culture that pushed and valued monoamory so strongly? Are my mindsets limited by narrow societal views on relationships? Maybe. If I grew up in a different time or under different circumstances, there's a good chance I'd feel differently.
I don't know how much is nature versus nurture, I just know that I feel, deep down inside, comfortable and satisfied in my monoamorous relationship. I don't feel like I'm losing out, like I'm limited, or like I have to answer to someone. I love that my husband and I make decisions together. It's wonderful to have someone to talk big things like that through with. I said in another post in this thread that I consider myself lucky, and that's something I feel very strongly. Even though I'm with one and only one person and plan to be so indefinitely, I see horizons, not fences.
Honestly most people don't, because most people don't even consider it and exposure to it is extremely limited outside of certain groups. Feel free to ask whatever questions you have at any time as a reply or DM.
I suppose in the same way that there are people who are happy with an extremely structured life where they do all the same things every day (or every week. month, etc.) and how there are people who thrive in new environments and get bored with the mundane, there's got to be people for which one person is almost always enough and people where even when they meet the perfect match are simply not fulfilled by a single person.
I've always wondered how much a truly good match influences all of this. You know, the whole idea of a "soulmate". Could I ever feel entirely complete with the right person and never seek diversity? Probably not because I just really, really love people (huge extrovert) and want to meet everyone and hear their story. But I wonder how much I'd actively seek others if the matches I had were better? I guess it's a bit of a pointless thought other than to recognize that there's multiple axes to consider here.
I've heard it described as the "explore/exploit trade-off", which is a useful mental framework for me. You can choose to "explore", meaning seek out something new, or you can choose to "exploit", or go with a known quantity. This trade-off happens all the time for us. Watch a new movie, or an old favorite? Hang out with good friends or go out and meet new ones?
With regards to relationships, I fall very heavily on the "exploit" side of things. "Exploring" has no interest for me. I hated it even when I was doing it. I wanted to fast-forward and get to where I am now. I hated the "explore" phase and live for the "exploit" one. I'm the same way, as previously mentioned, with food. Give me something I know I love every single time!
But I see the other side too. With media, I am the complete opposite. "Explore" all the way! I can't tell you the last time I re-read a book I loved, because I never do it. I'm always looking for something new. I have a hard time reading through a full series because I'm itching to start something else. Hell, I have a hard time with even a single long book! Not because of attention issues, but because my "explore" side kicks in.
With videogames, it's even worse. My friends describe me as having "gaming wanderlust." I don't understand how people can put in hundreds, even thousands of hours into the same game. My Steam library is full of games that I've played for an hour or two and then dropped. I don't often complete games, and it's not for lack of interest! It's because I have a pretty strong pull to try something new and interesting. I genuinely enjoy the process of seeing what's out there and dabbling a little bit in a lot of things. I don't feel bad for not finishing games -- it's just how I play them!
It very well could be that you and I are just on different ends of a continuum, with you falling heavily on the "explore" side and me on the "exploit" one with regard to relationships. Neither position is better, and there are benefits and drawbacks to both, but if we're both fulfilled, then it means we're each in the right places, right?
You know honestly I think this is the closest I've come to understanding monoamory. Thank you for this lively discussion!
You too! As I said earlier, I really appreciate your questioning and perspective. You gave me a lot to think about. I also have some homework to do myself regarding polyamory.
Great post idea! I love hearing other people's stories. Thanks for getting this ball rolling!
I was in about sixth grade when I started noticing that my eyes were drawn to guys. I grew up in an extremely conservative Christian community, so I didn't really have a full understanding of what was going on, and it was hard to tell for a while if I was looking at them out of envy or interest. Furthermore, I started increasingly feeling like a fish out of water when my guy friends started talking more and more about girls. It was like a foreign language to me -- what did they mean when they said that girl was "hot"?! They all seemed to be in on a joke I was very far outside of.
From there I figured things out but spent years fighting it. I spent a long, LONG time trying to hide my interests and pretend to be straight. It took me a full decade before I gave in and realized that I wasn't going to change. Up to that point I didn't self-identify as "gay" but simply as someone "struggling with same-sex attraction."
Wonderfully out! I moved away from the very homophobic, religious community I grew up in. I am lucky to now live in a place where I can be out and open without fear for my safety. I'm out in my personal life and at work. It's not an issue at all. My husband and I get mistaken for brothers a lot, which is a super awkward but often funny mistake to correct. My parents didn't accept me for a long time, but they have come around and are now supportive of me and my husband.
My husband and I are closing in on ten years together! We met, of all places, on reddit. We weren't intending to use reddit as a dating site but we tended to like each others' posts and seemed to hit it off in comments. We started PMing, then Skyping, then flying to see one another, then living together. I consider myself incredibly lucky.
Too much, but that's something I'm trying to work on! I spent a lot of time decluttering my house this summer, and I'm actively working on decluttering my thoughts.
That's really cool. Congratulations on it working out!
I'm bi so I can't really relate to that specifically, but it was when I was a teenager that the idea of "being a man" was more expected of us and I couldn't really understand what all that entailed or why I would want to go along with it. (If r/egg_irl existed and I knew about it when I was in high school, I would have probably figured things out before college.)
Now that's unexpected. Are you honest about this if anyone asks? How did this start, did you trawl his post history (or vice versa) and start regularly replying to each other?
Absolutely. The expectations of masculinity were really tough and baffling for me too, and I'm a cis guy! Where I grew up the gender roles were very rigidly enforced. One of my earliest memories was of my grandfather yelling at me for riding a "girl bike." I didn't even know there were girl and boy bikes! I just borrowed it from my female cousin because it was more convenient (and way more fun) than walking all the way across the farm. I also got chastised for helping my grandmother clean up the table and wash dishes after the meal, since that was "women's work." I just wanted to help my grandma! She did a ton of work already, so wouldn't she like an extra pair of hands?
I was far from outright femme, but I didn't like sports and was meekly mannered, both of which were anathema, especially for men in my community. I think even if I had been straight I still would have had a tough time simply because my gender expression didn't fit what it was supposed to. This one of the reasons I think that advocacy for LGBT issues affect more than just LGBT people. For every gay kid like me that grew up under toxic masculinity there are probably dozens of straight ones who got reprimanded or bullied for wanting to wear their hair long or listening to "girly" pop music or anything else that didn't fit the strict confines of what it meant to be a man. Breaking down barriers to gender expression doesn't just help LGBT people -- it helps everybody.
Another story: one time I let my fingernails grow too long without clipping them (because I hate how they feel after they're clipped -- still do to this day tbh), and my dad sat me down to explain that I should never let them get to that length because "it will make people think things."
The saddest part of this was that, unlike my crochety grandfather, my Dad was approaching this task with kindness. He felt that he was protecting me and helping me navigate the world. Instead of his message being "other people have no business caring about something as trivial as the length of your fingernails," however, it was instead "don't do that or people will think you're gay." This was the kindness of the time. Not "be yourself" but "don't be someone who's hated." So much of "being a man" was actually just "don't be queer". The message was rarely "men do this" but almost always "men definitely do not do that." I felt like I was walking into invisible barriers all the time, getting stinging slaps in the face by obstacles I didn't even know where there!
In my high school there was a fad for a quick minute where girls would go around and ask guys to look at their fingernails as a "man test." The belief was that "men" would simply look down at their hands and hold their fingernails up, like they were about to give someone a high-five, while "non-men" guys would turn their hand so their palm faced them and curl down their fingers, like they were examining a manicure.
Of course, I didn't know this at the time, and when I got asked to look at my fingernails I happened to be holding a book. Instead of putting the book down, I simply turned my hand inward so that I could look behind the front cover and get line of sight with my fingernails. Because my hand was curled in that position, I'd failed the man test. The girls laughed, and I felt deeply ashamed but had no idea why. It was completely, utterly baffling to me. Why were fingernails so important to everyone?! I never, EVER thought about someone else's fingernails, but it seemed everyone else was into mine. I didn't understand.
If the person's likely to know what reddit is, we'll say that, but with a lot of people we simply say we "met online" or met "on an LGBT forum." Not out of embarassment or anything but simply out of convenience.
We were both pretty regular posters around some similar subreddits, to the point that we recognized each other's usernames and had built up a decent understanding of who the other person was based on their posts over time. reddit was also a lot smaller back then, kind of like Tildes is now, so I feel like that wasn't uncommon for the time. It was a much more personal site.
My husband is very quippy, so I always thought his posts were funny and interesting, and apparently he saw something worthwhile in mine too. As previously mentioned, I'm quite meek, so he was the one who initiated with a PM. After some private back and forth there we exchanged numbers and moved to texts.
We lived in different parts of the country, so for a while it was more friendly than anything, as I don't know that either of us was really expecting something to come from the communication. Over the course of a couple of months it was clear that we really clicked, so we started Skyping and that was when we started to really discuss the possibility of pursuing something in-person. It was less "we found romance on reddit" and more "reddit friendship turned into romance."
It's been 5 or 6 years now since I realized I was trans. Not exactly the most exciting climax to the discovery...once I saw trans people who I respected for other reasons (Scarlett, the SC2 player), I gave the idea of "transness" genuine consideration for the first time. Representation often seems like this abstract thing without the most tangible effects, but in my case it had a very real and direct impact. Anyway, from there it was a matter of "is this real? am I not just tricking myself?" for a while. Those thoughts never totally went away, but I think that's a common experience for trans people. Self-doubt is nearly universal, even if our conscious minds know that no one would suffer the way we do, fixate on the things we do, and put in the work that we do just to survive the way we do...for fun.
I also owe a lot to specific groups like the trans people I knew in the radical left communities I was already part of, the various trans subs on reddit (despite leaving reddit, I still search them when I need information or to see others describe their experiences), and various other "interest group but only for trans people" groups that I found in the time after. I think if I were living in a different time or didn't have the very wide interest in internet communities that I do, I would've ended up with a much more narrow idea of what transness, including my own, even is. Understanding yourself requires a lot of introspection and the ability to really draw from the raw experiences of others and piece them together for your own purposes. I think most people still don't get enough of either, but it would be impossible to do the latter in many different situations.
As is common, coming out is a long process for me. I'd say I'm mostly out. When I'm at my university, everyone knows and it's a very public part of who I am. At home...my parents know, my brother happened to find out, some old friends know, but otherwise not so much. Extended family doesn't know, and I don't really know how to do that. I don't know how to talk to them normally, let alone about something serious. I guess I'll just show up to a family gathering sometime dressed as I'd like to be and probably end up starting a fight that cuts my part of the family off from the others. I fully expect that, especially if something pushes it to happen while my grandfather is still alive. The midwestern spirit of not wanting to be in anyone's way ever runs deeply through my veins and mixes with my extreme anxiety, so that's a tall order.
At school it's...fine. Great, really, if I talk about where I spend most of my time, living with people who are either very accepting or trans themselves. The university is acceptable. Supposedly it's one of the better campuses for queer students in the country, but obviously that has to do more with staff and support from the administration, not necessarily the students themselves. On that end, things are far better than what I grew up with and go back to during the summer, but still far from perfect.
Yes, with a Tildes user, @Cleb. I met them on a reddit-adjacent Discord server. Long-distance and internet relationships are at this point a bit of a trans stereotype and I told myself I wouldn't be in one after some bad experiences...but when I met them, I knew I had to ignore that rule I set. Luckily that was absolutely the right choice, even with long-distance being an extremely hard thing to manage.
I'm about 6 months into HRT and 1 week into antidepressants and so I'm thinking a lot about medication and changes. Dysphoria is much less intense and it's a massive source of comfort for me, so there's no doubt that it's worth being on it, but as for other changes (particularly mental ones), I feel like what I'm experiencing is a lot more subtle than others describe it. Mostly I feel like me but a bit more peaceful. I never got the mood swings or wild increases in sex drive or anything like that, I've just felt better in that way. I'm wondering if my dull depression is getting in the way of experiencing what others do or what.
I know I shouldn't be comparing my experience to others, especially when it's already been a positive influence in my life, but I can't help but wonder what's up with that.
Outside of gender stuff which is kinda taking over my mind right now, what happens to be on the mind is the value of "the moment". I've traditionally agreed with this David Mitchell take and I still mostly do, but I've been exploring my tendencies toward dissociative experiences with my therapist and I wonder how to approach the problem. Everything I do is for the future in some way. I eat food from least to most tasty. I watch, play, read, and listen to things because I want to be a person who has done those things and I like moving toward that goal. I desperately cling to conscious judgement to avoid hurting myself or others, sometimes to the point of obsession and always to the point of anxiety. I just generally am not capable of doing things if they don't work toward future things. "Working toward future things" doesn't necessarily mean traditionally productive things, to be clear, it can be as simple as impacting the games I can play now, where I'm more interested in games I can finish and feel like I did something or which exploit that thirst for progression (mmos) than in something that just creates a fun moment. Playing a match of Splatoon or something is so rare for me for this reason. I used to channel this into a desire to "git gud" at competitive games, but now that those only passively catch my interest it just cuts off entire categories of activites for me. I can't just enjoy myself. I'm working on this with my therapist, but I'm a big mess so the progress is slow :P
Indeed. It's been 5 or 6 years for me. Do I like being a woman more than a man? Absolutely, I feel more relaxed and comfortable in my body. I really love being a woman, it feels right to me and I actually like what I see in the mirror. But I've been talking with my wife about getting bottom surgery, and although she's completely on board with it, sometimes I think "I'm not trans enough for this" because my genital dysphoria was never bad like other areas of my body. Would I prefer to have a vagina? Yes, every time I use the bathroom I feel a lot less like a woman. But even though I do feel a bit dysphoric about it, I can still enjoy sex. It seems silly but the nagging doubts always come back. Then again, I thought the same before getting FFS, but I can't imagine myself without it now.
You might ask your parents to bring it up. My mom broke the news to some relatives whose reactions I was unsure of at my request and answered some of their questions. It made it easier to finally present as a woman to them at the next reunion.
I've never been in an internet relationship and can't really imagine being in one, but good for you! How long have you been together? Have you met in person yet?
That sounds like my experience as well. If anything, my sex drive has gone down from HRT. Not that I'm complaining, I was never very active to begin with, so not feeling like masturbating as often was nice. I wish you luck on your transition!
It's alright. Another semester's starting and I feel rather overwhelmed by my Japanese class even though we just started, but it's not as bad as I was worried about tbh. I'm taking one class less this semester in hopes of not feeling so burned out at the end of each; I figure it's well worth it to take an extra class over the summer, even though it does add rather to the cost of tuition...
When I was 12, haha. I had a good friend at the time and another kid in one of my classes who I kinda knew, we were acquaintances, but not really on a personal level. I remember feeling really weird about both boys in a way I had a difficulty describing, and eventually I realized I thought they were cute, really cute, to the point my stomach would flutter a bit whenever I talked to either. I worried it wouldn't be acceptable so I kept being gay a secret to myself for a couple years, until coming out to my family in 2016.
Fully out, I was lucky to have very accepting parents and I currently live in a place that's pretty LGBTQ friendly (Hawaii). Before this, I lived on a military base in Japan and a medium-ish city in Virginia, those places weren't quite as LGBT friendly, especially the latter.
Pretty good. Hawaii's one of those places you can be gay or trans and it's pretty much 100% accepted, I've yet to witness an incident of bigotry even after living here for about 2 years now. One of the things I really love about living here.
Noooo, and I highly doubt I will for a very long time, if ever. I have Asperger's Syndrome and a moderately strong case of social anxiety. I struggle enough just making friends, I think a relationship would be too much for me. And I'm okay with that tbh, I'd rather not deal with getting into a romantic relationship then doing so and coming to regret it later. I've seen breakups happen with other people and they're never pretty.
Totally unrelated to any of this, but I realized that Tildes is now about a year and a half old. I have a few screenshots I took pretty early in Tildes's history, I think maybe a month or two after it started, and I've thought about maybe sharing them sometime, if for no other reason than to wax about the days before searching or tags. On the other hand, the actual look of the site is pretty much identical (which I personally love, I really dig this brutalist / simple style), so I'm a little nervous they'd just be seen as noise.
That's impressive. I live in a large city and I've seen my fair share of bigotry, I would have expected Hawaii to be a lot worse.
I feel you (kinda). My mom suspected I was autistic (back when that was a diagnosis) and a specialist said I was borderline high-functioning autistic. Friendships were always harder to come by, and I had to figure out relationships in college. I messed up a lot of potential friendships by doing dumb stuff. My wife has been very patient with me over the years.
Pretty hard to say for me. I definitely knew for a really long time that I wasn't straight, because I really wasn't interested in dating and similar stuff compared to basically everyone else around in school. I wasn't really interested in anyone to be honest. I've kind of slowly figured I am kind of gay and came out to myself when I was about 19. I've been thinking for some time that I still don't have myself really right though. Everyone seems to value sex in a relationship quite a lot, while I always felt like I don't really care about it at all, and would be ok with not having it at all. So after lurking on some asexual forums and subreddits, I think I am demisexual/gray asexual homoromantic, not really sure yet to be honest. This might also be another reason why I can't find a relationship at all haha. It also is probably the reason it took me so long to figure out I am gay.
Mostly in the closet. Shortly after coming out to myself as gay I've came out to my closest friends, all of them have been pretty awesome. I also kind of accidentally came out to my mom once while talking about kids, because I told her that I probably will never have any. She eventually told my dad, but I am still kind of quasi closeted to them, because we never talk about anything related to it. Even my brother doesn't know, because I am not that close to him. I am closeted at work and school and don't really want to come out, I don't want any unnecessary attention. I am closeted to everyone about being demisexual or whatever, cause I still don't really have it figured out.
The Czech Republic is pretty cool with it I guess. It's probably much much better than most countries of the world, although we don't have equal marriage rights yet. We had same-sex partnerships for a long time, I think actually much earlier than almost all the countries had anything.
Nope, maybe someday?
I am not looking forward to going back to school, hopefully this semester will be pretty chill, after the kind of shitty last one. Edit: I also have to say that it feels good to type this stuff out once in a while, thanks for making this thread OP.
I'm 99% full time, but not out to many people where I currently live. I'm accepted by the handful of people that know and I'm sure the rest of the people that I care about would be fine with who I am, but I'm still not going to tell them unless I need to. Life is really not that great right now and I don't see it getting better, but who knows.
Wow, that's a rough situation. Not even my grandparents are that hardcore. The good news is that the transmission rate for HIV via oral sex is much lower than penetrative sex, but that's still not much of a comfort if you do manage to catch it. I recommend getting tested ASAP if you have not already, one of my previous partners was on ART because of one drunken hookup where the top didn't use a condom. He was able to get it for free through a charity, and his parents still don't know (though he's no longer on their insurance so they'd have no reason to suspect anything). Best of luck with your health and family.
Thanks for this. Iām aware of that and it gives me a bit of peace of mind, however I am planning to get tested regardless.
Two.
Been out for a while now. Helped that I was living on my own by fifteen; there was no reason to be. It was fantastic.
No one cares; it's pretty great.
For three or four years now, one of the two; rounds up to five. Depending on which of us you ask, paramilitary in Africa or an international writing association; her story's more fun, mine's more accurate.
I've been pondering rereading Worm over the past few days, or maybe checking out its sequel. It's been a few months.
Wait, how?
Try 10 1/2. Or younger even. Not every place has safetynets you know.
(edit) Sorry, didn't want to sound abrupt; here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emancipation_of_minors - depending on country of origin this can go pretty far, although it's usually only partial, enough so you can move around and such; and when you move elsewhere their civil-law system may not recognise it entirely (or at all)
I'm going to guess you're trans then?
Is this normal where you are or is there a story behind this?
I want to hear both if feel like typing them out!
L
Nah, I grew up in America; I don't really think it's normal.
The former's hers, and it's not accurate much at all; the latter's just what it says on the tin, really.
Eva, I sent you a PM, but perhaps you have them off? Can I ask your friend a few things about what you said re. Africa? I was born there (south, but not RSA) and my father had units in the SW and SE. He knew lots of people in that position and I'd love to know if your friend knew (of) him. Or even my mother who did IT for him/his branch.
Nothing intrusive, I promise. It's just a long shot, but I'd really love to know.
When I had my first crush on a guy. I had 14 years or so. Then it took me several years to notice my sexuality is fluid in a weird way and I don't really have a good label for it.
Yeah, my family and city are pretty conservative and think "the gays" are sinners. It's not something I plan on doing, ever.
Nobody knows I'm into boys, so no social situation at all.
No.
Trans rights are human rights!
My grandparents are still like that. They haven't outright screamed at me about what a disgrace I am since I first came out to them, but they tend to be absent from family events if I'm there (or avoid talking to me if they do come). Although I never asked what they dislike more - the fact that I am a woman or that I'm married to a woman - they truly believe I'm going to hell. (Only my parents know I'm bisexual, my grandparents and other relatives don't know I've been with men.)
By this do you mean you don't plan on coming out to your family and (current) friends? If so, do you plan on moving away (for college or work) and exploring more?
Yes they are! š
Yeah, moving away is in my plans, I'm not too fond of my current city.
I don't plan on coming out, even to my friends, it seems risky since my family could end up finding out about it.
I think about 12 once puberty kicked in and I noticed I was attracted to guys. I had a older cousin in my life who was gay and had a partner so it wasn't really wierd or scary for me to understand.
I came out to Mum pretty much as soon as I knew and other family and close friends over time. However I'm in the closet in my workplace as I work mostly with straight older conservative guys and homophobia is pretty prevalent and I just can't be bothered dealing with it.
I live in a pretty conservative part of Australia so it's not great but I get by
I guess they're relationships. I have a couple guys I spend a lot of time with but to me it's more a good friends with benefits type situation. I met them on apps.
I think I'm Aromatic. I don't know if it's just from lack of chances to feel romantic about someone. I get 'lust' for guys but after a while it fades and it hasn't been replaced with romantic feelings. I also just don't really have a drive to put in the work to build a serious relationship. I like spending time with people I've been dating and even have had a two year relationship but eventually in that relationship I just couldn't give back enough love to keep him satisfied even though I liked his company. I would love a relationship for all the benifits and I like the idea of having an ally/best friend/better half or whatever we want to call it but I'm just not sure I feel love yet.
Is there a reason you didn't post this in ~lgbt? My first instinct is to move this post to that group, but I thought I'd check if there's a reason you don't want it there.
I wasn't sure which this belonged in, it seems like both but there was a previous lgbt-oriented thread here.
That previous thread dates back to before the ~lgbt group existed. I've moved this to ~lgbt.