Anecdotal, but as a middle-thirties man I feel that young kids - especially boys - have it harder than I did in terms of making and keeping friends. It's mostly anecdotal, and my sample set is...
Exemplary
Anecdotal, but as a middle-thirties man I feel that young kids - especially boys - have it harder than I did in terms of making and keeping friends. It's mostly anecdotal, and my sample set is limited; most of the young boys/men (15-22) I talk to are on discord, tend to be introverted, and have some sort of trauma. However, even those I would say are relatively "normal" have an inordinate amount of trouble finding and maintaining friendships in the flesh. I feel it's largely due to the lack of "third places" to meet up at. Everywhere you go, you're expected to pay money - with few exceptions like parks, which don't always foster that "meet and greet" environment.
A few years ago, I felt my own friendship group breaking down. It was a slow process, but it was like watching colossal dominoes fall. When the final one fell, and I lost my friend of a decade (personal differences) I would have been without anyone outside my family and my work. Fortunately, I'd begun visiting a local game shop. It was friendly, open, inviting, and there was always something out to play and talk about, which led to other discussions. I made new friends. Some wouldn't make the final cut, we had too many differences outside of tabletop gaming, but others I still meet with regularly. COVID killed that for a time, but we've been meeting for a weekly session of D&D for nearly 4 years now. It's an important part of my routine.
Without having the chance to be able to just exist at the game shop (without always buying something!) I wouldn't have been able to build those new friendships. I feel this is what is lacking nowadays, especially for the younger crowd.
I'm starting to worry for my own kids, how they will form friendships. Our neighborhood is bereft of children their age, and other parents have their own schedules. Everyone seems so much more insular now, vs when I was a kid. I'd just wander over to a neighbors house, and we'd go hang out for a while. I don't see my kids doing that, despite my encouragement. The neighborhood "third place" is being lost, at least in my experience, and I'm not sure why. I feel new tech trends certainly don't help. If you're constantly entertained by a screen indoors, why would you go out? Even when I create time away from screens for my kids though, they don't prioritize friends and friendship. It's seen as something you do through a screen.
How do we help younger folks with this? How can I, a regular person, help in creating third places, or maintaining them?
As an aside from that line of discussion - I find it disingenuous to say that women are "better" at making and keeping friendships than men despite what the study might say (caveat that I only read the abstract). I'm light years ahead of my wife at making connections with people - she jokes that I make friends everywhere I go. My wife had 4-5 close friends when we met. It's only decreased since then. I feel that ability to find, make, and maintain connections isn't tied to gender but rather your temperament.
I think it's worthwhile distinguishing introversion from social anxiety. Many people who say they are "introverts" are extroverts with social anxiety. If they really are introverted, then it is...
most of the young boys/men (15-22) I talk to are on discord, tend to be introverted, and have some sort of trauma
I think it's worthwhile distinguishing introversion from social anxiety. Many people who say they are "introverts" are extroverts with social anxiety. If they really are introverted, then it is what it is - if someone doesn't want to socialize more than they do, then they don't want to.
However, many people would want to socialize more, but can't, which is a problem.
This is an excellent distinction, thank you. In those cases, having a low-risk, small-scale meeting place is a godsend. Other factors can come into play as well. I struggle with making and keeping...
This is an excellent distinction, thank you. In those cases, having a low-risk, small-scale meeting place is a godsend. Other factors can come into play as well. I struggle with making and keeping plans - the ADHD is strong - so the regular weekly meetings at the same time and place each week really help. It cuts down on mental overhead.
Even in the article, the author discusses this. It's one thing to make plans on a spur of the moment idea, and another to actually make it a regular thing to do.
There are also introverts, like myself, that aren't bad as socializing. Even so, as an adult it's hard to build new friendships. I do have some good friends, but they all either like to travel or...
There are also introverts, like myself, that aren't bad as socializing. Even so, as an adult it's hard to build new friendships. I do have some good friends, but they all either like to travel or live elsewhere. I do at least have a once-a-week third place to go to even when no one's around.
I think that this excellent question might make a good topic of its own in ~life or ~talk. My nieces are quite social, and attend frequent slumber parties but they also live on a suburban street...
How do we help younger folks with this? How can I, a regular person, help in creating third places, or maintaining them?
I think that this excellent question might make a good topic of its own in ~life or ~talk.
My nieces are quite social, and attend frequent slumber parties but they also live on a suburban street near kids of their age. They live close enough to walk to school.
There is one resource I had as a young man that a lot of the people don’t seem to be aware of: community centers. Every city has at least one. One of the middle schools I went to actually had one...
There is one resource I had as a young man that a lot of the people don’t seem to be aware of: community centers. Every city has at least one. One of the middle schools I went to actually had one across the field on school property, but amazingly I never heard of any of my classmates ever talk about it. But they are great places for young people to socialize in (they usually have a lot of recreational equipment and games, and are often in or around parks), and they usually have recurring group meetings.
Libraries can also be good places, but the further you have to travel or the more difficult that travel is, the harder it is to get people there. It's the difference between biking 5 minutes down...
Libraries can also be good places, but the further you have to travel or the more difficult that travel is, the harder it is to get people there. It's the difference between biking 5 minutes down the street vs half an hour across town by car.
Edit: Forgot to add that for youth, they're also dependent upon their parents having the time to drive them around.
Many public libraries are community centers as well! Though libraries are arguably not great social places by themselves since there’s an expectation of quiet. Most host events that are good for...
Many public libraries are community centers as well! Though libraries are arguably not great social places by themselves since there’s an expectation of quiet. Most host events that are good for socializing, though. It just depends on the library.
I liked this. I’m only in my late 20s, but already I’m in situations where I haven’t spoken or met with once close friends for years. It’s always really fun to reconnect after life took us in...
I liked this. I’m only in my late 20s, but already I’m in situations where I haven’t spoken or met with once close friends for years. It’s always really fun to reconnect after life took us in different paths. The challenge is seeing if there’s is enough in the present to rekindle and maintain the friendship. It’s awesome when there is, but sometimes there isn’t, and that’s okay.
Interesting, very good read. It doesn’t fully address the question of whether old friendships from a more carefree time in our lives are maybe lost because the burden of our growing...
Interesting, very good read. It doesn’t fully address the question of whether old friendships from a more carefree time in our lives are maybe lost because the burden of our growing responsibilities takes us each in other directions. Men just seem to be worse at making new connections later. And old connections mostly don’t work out. We were all young once and the facility of our lives made a constructive environment for social development. Outside our shared environment and experiences - where we met and lived with each other for years in school or other activities, it seems we are more different than we thought. To me anyway.
As @Hobofarmer mentioned, the lack of third places has had a significant impact. There are ways though, but it requires conscious effort. This is the knowledge/skill that I think we aren't...
As @Hobofarmer mentioned, the lack of third places has had a significant impact. There are ways though, but it requires conscious effort. This is the knowledge/skill that I think we aren't properly equipping people with. Once you finish school, and if you don't go to any kind of church, there's nowhere besides work to meet people "naturally". Work friends can be great, I have some relationships that I've kept from 3 jobs ago that we all still meet and do activities. But I think that's relatively rare compared to going somewhere where the group is centered around a common interest or activity.
I have a fairly full social calendar most weeks. I don't do things with people every day, but I easily could if I said yes more or sent out a few more invitations to hang out or grab a drink. This is the end result of over a decade of work. It didn't happen overnight, it was the results of sustained effort over a long period.
Back in 2012 I had moved states and didn't really know anyone. At the time I was reading several articles like this one and recognizing myself in the description. As a result I made deliberate efforts to reach out and find activities, and said yes to any invitation to do anything. Which can be very hard to do, but it's never as scary as I think it is going to be, and then long term payoff is 1000% worth it. Some weeks I've been emotionally exhausted from doing too much. Those are the 5k of relationship building, and they're worth doing. Like physical exercise, the most important part is to just do it, and not worry about how well or how fast you did. I have friendships now that started in those early years. There are other friends that I've made that faded away, and that's ok too.
So the advice that I give to younger people who are starting to experience isolation because school ended and work isn't providing the friends they want: you have to put the work in. It doesn't have to be a lot. You don't have to start organizing large group activities or hosting dinner parties (unless you want to). But you have to reach out and ask people if they'd like to take a walk during lunch, deliberately sit next to coworkers you don't know at lunch, go to local events and activities. No matter your particular flavor of social awareness, I guarantee there are people who will accept you and others who probably share the same awkwardness that you can both laugh about. But you have to go looking for them before you'll find them, they won't find you.
If you'll humor a naive pitch from someone who doesn't know you personally: test out getting involved with a county-level archaeology project. It's VERY open to outsiders and newcomers, doesn't...
If you'll humor a naive pitch from someone who doesn't know you personally: test out getting involved with a county-level archaeology project.
It's VERY open to outsiders and newcomers, doesn't discriminate by age or physical ability, and happens locally. Even if you go in knowing nothing, you will be useful, and you will be interacting with people who are happy to be there and are looking to share their pleasure and knowledge with others. Because digs are seasonal and sporadic, it doesn't require a large, dedicated time commitment - unlike many competing social hobbies.
(I'm US-based, so I don't have personal experience with the UK scene, but from reputation things should be even better over there.)
Best wishes, and I hope you find "your thing", whatever that may be. <3
Ditto rock club people. They are very friendly precisely because you're only going to see them several times a year max with zero obligation. As with plant and fungi forage people: Don't ask them...
Ditto rock club people. They are very friendly precisely because you're only going to see them several times a year max with zero obligation.
As with plant and fungi forage people: Don't ask them where they usual forage and don't propose to follow them.
I'd say ask them, but just ask if they're willing to show you some more popular, beginner spots instead. Also, some fungi enthusiasts are more excited about educating and sharing with others than...
As with plant and fungi forage people: Don't ask them where they usual forage and don't propose to follow them.
I'd say ask them, but just ask if they're willing to show you some more popular, beginner spots instead. Also, some fungi enthusiasts are more excited about educating and sharing with others than they are about keeping secret foraging spots. I usually just look for mushrooms on normal hiking trails and am always happy to take friends along. It depends on the person and their particular goals with foraging. Granted, I don't know about rock people, maybe it's different.
well you could ask : ) but don't be offended if they say no or give you generic "oh you know, around" compromise with taking you to beginner spots if okay I guess but popularity also puts pressure...
well you could ask : ) but don't be offended if they say no or give you generic "oh you know, around"
compromise with taking you to beginner spots if okay I guess but popularity also puts pressure on the species. Unless you're specifically targeting invasive species or common abundant and "weed" like species.
Ever thought about attending a vegan meetup? I don't know what it's like by you, but there's always a few events per year in my city across the pond. Granted, some of them are the kooky variety...
Ever thought about attending a vegan meetup? I don't know what it's like by you, but there's always a few events per year in my city across the pond. Granted, some of them are the kooky variety with healing crystals and what not. There are also book clubs, weekend cycling rides, table top game meets at the shop, etc. Not gonna lie, some of them will not work out (cycle snobs!), just don't get discouraged.
I know what you mean. I recommend keeping your previous benchmarks at the back of your mind instead of the front. Just get out there and run for 15 min. Ultra low expectations. Try to get a weekly...
I know what you mean. I recommend keeping your previous benchmarks at the back of your mind instead of the front. Just get out there and run for 15 min. Ultra low expectations. Try to get a weekly cadence going you know. Hopefully the momentum will push you to where you want to be
They wouldn't accept you drinking a soda water with lime? That's sad. I feel for you. I recently read a decently informative book We Should Get Together by Kat Vellos about the problem of making...
They wouldn't accept you drinking a soda water with lime? That's sad. I feel for you. I recently read a decently informative book We Should Get Together by Kat Vellos about the problem of making friends and possible solutions.
This article is not about me. I have 5 friends. I'm very scared about losing them. I have no wish to add more, but I'm pretty sure I could if I wanted to. I mean, the idea of having many friends...
This article is not about me. I have 5 friends. I'm very scared about losing them. I have no wish to add more, but I'm pretty sure I could if I wanted to. I mean, the idea of having many friends is theoretically attractive, but the reality of keeping friendships and actually working on them is tiresome and nerve wracking. I cancelled my last birthday partly because it was making me so anxious. I'm doing a project with my oldest friend -- someone I have known for more than 20 years -- and the fact that I have to see him once a week is, well, just terrible. And I literally love that dude.
Sometime around the beginning of this year I was feeling very lonely. For most of my life, I don't recall ever feeling like I had a best friend. I have had some good acquaintances over the years,...
Sometime around the beginning of this year I was feeling very lonely. For most of my life, I don't recall ever feeling like I had a best friend. I have had some good acquaintances over the years, but never felt like I had someone that I could rely on for anything.
It was around this time that I think I stumbled on an article either here on Tildes or maybe Hacker News that inspired me to take some sort of action. I reached out to a buddy of mine that lives about 20 minutes away to see if he would go out to coffee with me. For the past 7 months or so, we have went to the same coffee shop every Thursday morning. We've had a few weeks off for one reason or another, but have been consistent for the most part.
I think arranging this weekly hangout has really done a lot for my happiness and health. I always leave that shop feeling quite invigorated for the day. I look forward to spending time with my friend every week. It's funny, we meet every week for about an hour and a half and never seem to run out of stuff to chat about.
This is a struggle for many people regardless of gender. I feel fortunate that I have had one true friend since high school. Grad school was also where I found a sort of found family. Of course no...
This is a struggle for many people regardless of gender. I feel fortunate that I have had one true friend since high school. Grad school was also where I found a sort of found family. Of course no one lives near me anymore but we commit to seeing each other once a year and keep in touch. They will often find an excuse to stay at my place if travel plans accommodate taking a day in my area which I appreciate.
Which leaves me in this no-man's-land. My best friend is my partner and I have a support network around the world. I have one local friend who I get coffee with occasionally but no close friends who share my interests. So I get by with acquaintances in some of my hobbyist communities. I'm sure there are people in those groups with whom I could develop a deeper friendship with but I am comfortable enough without filling up my calendar with more social commitments.
I'm a woman myself and I also struggle although I am working at it. I do think that the article pointed to a common problem for men that is not adequately addressed. But the US surgeon general...
I'm a woman myself and I also struggle although I am working at it. I do think that the article pointed to a common problem for men that is not adequately addressed. But the US surgeon general recently declared an epidemic of loneliness that impacts everyone.
Resistance to vulnerability is a societal challenge highlighted among men. But I've found once you work on it as an individual you find others who are open to it.
Resistance to vulnerability is a societal challenge highlighted among men. But I've found once you work on it as an individual you find others who are open to it.
As a midwesterner, and maybe this is midwestern exclusive, but it seems like a lot of us have adopted what was always described as a more Scandinavian socializing habit, where we really only form...
As a midwesterner, and maybe this is midwestern exclusive, but it seems like a lot of us have adopted what was always described as a more Scandinavian socializing habit, where we really only form a small circle of friends and basically only socialize with them and no one else with people rarely being added to the social group. Maybe it’s just my friends, but I’ve noticed it a lot within the last few years. It doesn’t really bother me but I know it bothers some.
Midwesterner here, I think this is somewhat true, so I employ various tactics to try to change that: Actively encourage friends to invite new people they know, usually people assume they shouldn't...
Midwesterner here, I think this is somewhat true, so I employ various tactics to try to change that:
Actively encourage friends to invite new people they know, usually people assume they shouldn't bring along strangers (at least, Midwesterners do)
I plan events specifically to accomodate both of my main friend groups so people can mingle
Introduce my work friends to my other friends
If any of my friends mentions wanting more friends or meet people to date, I make it a point to introduce them to more people and invite them to things
I know you said it doesn't bother you, just thought I'd mention it for anyone else, since like you said, it's somewhat common.
I like keeping a diverse and varied collection of friends (ha, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean,) so that when life circumstances change or everyone's busy, I always have various options for who to spend my time with. It's also just nice to get to know different types of people.
Oh yeah no, I would never bring people to an event with friends that those friends didn’t explicitly invite. I already struggle with “open invitations” to do stuff. If I’m not explicitly invited I...
Oh yeah no, I would never bring people to an event with friends that those friends didn’t explicitly invite. I already struggle with “open invitations” to do stuff. If I’m not explicitly invited I feel very uncomfortable just showing up to stuff myself.
I do try to invite friends in my friend group that don’t know each other to things I plan.
Anecdotal, but as a middle-thirties man I feel that young kids - especially boys - have it harder than I did in terms of making and keeping friends. It's mostly anecdotal, and my sample set is limited; most of the young boys/men (15-22) I talk to are on discord, tend to be introverted, and have some sort of trauma. However, even those I would say are relatively "normal" have an inordinate amount of trouble finding and maintaining friendships in the flesh. I feel it's largely due to the lack of "third places" to meet up at. Everywhere you go, you're expected to pay money - with few exceptions like parks, which don't always foster that "meet and greet" environment.
A few years ago, I felt my own friendship group breaking down. It was a slow process, but it was like watching colossal dominoes fall. When the final one fell, and I lost my friend of a decade (personal differences) I would have been without anyone outside my family and my work. Fortunately, I'd begun visiting a local game shop. It was friendly, open, inviting, and there was always something out to play and talk about, which led to other discussions. I made new friends. Some wouldn't make the final cut, we had too many differences outside of tabletop gaming, but others I still meet with regularly. COVID killed that for a time, but we've been meeting for a weekly session of D&D for nearly 4 years now. It's an important part of my routine.
Without having the chance to be able to just exist at the game shop (without always buying something!) I wouldn't have been able to build those new friendships. I feel this is what is lacking nowadays, especially for the younger crowd.
I'm starting to worry for my own kids, how they will form friendships. Our neighborhood is bereft of children their age, and other parents have their own schedules. Everyone seems so much more insular now, vs when I was a kid. I'd just wander over to a neighbors house, and we'd go hang out for a while. I don't see my kids doing that, despite my encouragement. The neighborhood "third place" is being lost, at least in my experience, and I'm not sure why. I feel new tech trends certainly don't help. If you're constantly entertained by a screen indoors, why would you go out? Even when I create time away from screens for my kids though, they don't prioritize friends and friendship. It's seen as something you do through a screen.
How do we help younger folks with this? How can I, a regular person, help in creating third places, or maintaining them?
As an aside from that line of discussion - I find it disingenuous to say that women are "better" at making and keeping friendships than men despite what the study might say (caveat that I only read the abstract). I'm light years ahead of my wife at making connections with people - she jokes that I make friends everywhere I go. My wife had 4-5 close friends when we met. It's only decreased since then. I feel that ability to find, make, and maintain connections isn't tied to gender but rather your temperament.
I think it's worthwhile distinguishing introversion from social anxiety. Many people who say they are "introverts" are extroverts with social anxiety. If they really are introverted, then it is what it is - if someone doesn't want to socialize more than they do, then they don't want to.
However, many people would want to socialize more, but can't, which is a problem.
This is an excellent distinction, thank you. In those cases, having a low-risk, small-scale meeting place is a godsend. Other factors can come into play as well. I struggle with making and keeping plans - the ADHD is strong - so the regular weekly meetings at the same time and place each week really help. It cuts down on mental overhead.
Even in the article, the author discusses this. It's one thing to make plans on a spur of the moment idea, and another to actually make it a regular thing to do.
There are also introverts, like myself, that aren't bad as socializing. Even so, as an adult it's hard to build new friendships. I do have some good friends, but they all either like to travel or live elsewhere. I do at least have a once-a-week third place to go to even when no one's around.
I think that this excellent question might make a good topic of its own in ~life or ~talk.
My nieces are quite social, and attend frequent slumber parties but they also live on a suburban street near kids of their age. They live close enough to walk to school.
I'd gladly encourage others to! I have this weird mental block about making topics, like I feel they're never worthy enough of their own thread.
There is one resource I had as a young man that a lot of the people don’t seem to be aware of: community centers. Every city has at least one. One of the middle schools I went to actually had one across the field on school property, but amazingly I never heard of any of my classmates ever talk about it. But they are great places for young people to socialize in (they usually have a lot of recreational equipment and games, and are often in or around parks), and they usually have recurring group meetings.
Libraries can also be good places, but the further you have to travel or the more difficult that travel is, the harder it is to get people there. It's the difference between biking 5 minutes down the street vs half an hour across town by car.
Edit: Forgot to add that for youth, they're also dependent upon their parents having the time to drive them around.
Many public libraries are community centers as well! Though libraries are arguably not great social places by themselves since there’s an expectation of quiet. Most host events that are good for socializing, though. It just depends on the library.
I liked this. I’m only in my late 20s, but already I’m in situations where I haven’t spoken or met with once close friends for years. It’s always really fun to reconnect after life took us in different paths. The challenge is seeing if there’s is enough in the present to rekindle and maintain the friendship. It’s awesome when there is, but sometimes there isn’t, and that’s okay.
archive link https://archive.li/OIGk2
Interesting, very good read. It doesn’t fully address the question of whether old friendships from a more carefree time in our lives are maybe lost because the burden of our growing responsibilities takes us each in other directions. Men just seem to be worse at making new connections later. And old connections mostly don’t work out. We were all young once and the facility of our lives made a constructive environment for social development. Outside our shared environment and experiences - where we met and lived with each other for years in school or other activities, it seems we are more different than we thought. To me anyway.
As @Hobofarmer mentioned, the lack of third places has had a significant impact. There are ways though, but it requires conscious effort. This is the knowledge/skill that I think we aren't properly equipping people with. Once you finish school, and if you don't go to any kind of church, there's nowhere besides work to meet people "naturally". Work friends can be great, I have some relationships that I've kept from 3 jobs ago that we all still meet and do activities. But I think that's relatively rare compared to going somewhere where the group is centered around a common interest or activity.
I have a fairly full social calendar most weeks. I don't do things with people every day, but I easily could if I said yes more or sent out a few more invitations to hang out or grab a drink. This is the end result of over a decade of work. It didn't happen overnight, it was the results of sustained effort over a long period.
Back in 2012 I had moved states and didn't really know anyone. At the time I was reading several articles like this one and recognizing myself in the description. As a result I made deliberate efforts to reach out and find activities, and said yes to any invitation to do anything. Which can be very hard to do, but it's never as scary as I think it is going to be, and then long term payoff is 1000% worth it. Some weeks I've been emotionally exhausted from doing too much. Those are the 5k of relationship building, and they're worth doing. Like physical exercise, the most important part is to just do it, and not worry about how well or how fast you did. I have friendships now that started in those early years. There are other friends that I've made that faded away, and that's ok too.
So the advice that I give to younger people who are starting to experience isolation because school ended and work isn't providing the friends they want: you have to put the work in. It doesn't have to be a lot. You don't have to start organizing large group activities or hosting dinner parties (unless you want to). But you have to reach out and ask people if they'd like to take a walk during lunch, deliberately sit next to coworkers you don't know at lunch, go to local events and activities. No matter your particular flavor of social awareness, I guarantee there are people who will accept you and others who probably share the same awkwardness that you can both laugh about. But you have to go looking for them before you'll find them, they won't find you.
If you'll humor a naive pitch from someone who doesn't know you personally: test out getting involved with a county-level archaeology project.
It's VERY open to outsiders and newcomers, doesn't discriminate by age or physical ability, and happens locally. Even if you go in knowing nothing, you will be useful, and you will be interacting with people who are happy to be there and are looking to share their pleasure and knowledge with others. Because digs are seasonal and sporadic, it doesn't require a large, dedicated time commitment - unlike many competing social hobbies.
(I'm US-based, so I don't have personal experience with the UK scene, but from reputation things should be even better over there.)
Best wishes, and I hope you find "your thing", whatever that may be. <3
Ditto rock club people. They are very friendly precisely because you're only going to see them several times a year max with zero obligation.
As with plant and fungi forage people: Don't ask them where they usual forage and don't propose to follow them.
I'd say ask them, but just ask if they're willing to show you some more popular, beginner spots instead. Also, some fungi enthusiasts are more excited about educating and sharing with others than they are about keeping secret foraging spots. I usually just look for mushrooms on normal hiking trails and am always happy to take friends along. It depends on the person and their particular goals with foraging. Granted, I don't know about rock people, maybe it's different.
well you could ask : ) but don't be offended if they say no or give you generic "oh you know, around"
compromise with taking you to beginner spots if okay I guess but popularity also puts pressure on the species. Unless you're specifically targeting invasive species or common abundant and "weed" like species.
Ever thought about attending a vegan meetup? I don't know what it's like by you, but there's always a few events per year in my city across the pond. Granted, some of them are the kooky variety with healing crystals and what not. There are also book clubs, weekend cycling rides, table top game meets at the shop, etc. Not gonna lie, some of them will not work out (cycle snobs!), just don't get discouraged.
I have the same relationship with running. The hardest part is getting out there.
I know what you mean. I recommend keeping your previous benchmarks at the back of your mind instead of the front. Just get out there and run for 15 min. Ultra low expectations. Try to get a weekly cadence going you know. Hopefully the momentum will push you to where you want to be
They wouldn't accept you drinking a soda water with lime? That's sad. I feel for you. I recently read a decently informative book We Should Get Together by Kat Vellos about the problem of making friends and possible solutions.
This article is not about me. I have 5 friends. I'm very scared about losing them. I have no wish to add more, but I'm pretty sure I could if I wanted to. I mean, the idea of having many friends is theoretically attractive, but the reality of keeping friendships and actually working on them is tiresome and nerve wracking. I cancelled my last birthday partly because it was making me so anxious. I'm doing a project with my oldest friend -- someone I have known for more than 20 years -- and the fact that I have to see him once a week is, well, just terrible. And I literally love that dude.
Sometime around the beginning of this year I was feeling very lonely. For most of my life, I don't recall ever feeling like I had a best friend. I have had some good acquaintances over the years, but never felt like I had someone that I could rely on for anything.
It was around this time that I think I stumbled on an article either here on Tildes or maybe Hacker News that inspired me to take some sort of action. I reached out to a buddy of mine that lives about 20 minutes away to see if he would go out to coffee with me. For the past 7 months or so, we have went to the same coffee shop every Thursday morning. We've had a few weeks off for one reason or another, but have been consistent for the most part.
I think arranging this weekly hangout has really done a lot for my happiness and health. I always leave that shop feeling quite invigorated for the day. I look forward to spending time with my friend every week. It's funny, we meet every week for about an hour and a half and never seem to run out of stuff to chat about.
This is a struggle for many people regardless of gender. I feel fortunate that I have had one true friend since high school. Grad school was also where I found a sort of found family. Of course no one lives near me anymore but we commit to seeing each other once a year and keep in touch. They will often find an excuse to stay at my place if travel plans accommodate taking a day in my area which I appreciate.
Which leaves me in this no-man's-land. My best friend is my partner and I have a support network around the world. I have one local friend who I get coffee with occasionally but no close friends who share my interests. So I get by with acquaintances in some of my hobbyist communities. I'm sure there are people in those groups with whom I could develop a deeper friendship with but I am comfortable enough without filling up my calendar with more social commitments.
I'm a woman myself and I also struggle although I am working at it. I do think that the article pointed to a common problem for men that is not adequately addressed. But the US surgeon general recently declared an epidemic of loneliness that impacts everyone.
Resistance to vulnerability is a societal challenge highlighted among men. But I've found once you work on it as an individual you find others who are open to it.
As a midwesterner, and maybe this is midwestern exclusive, but it seems like a lot of us have adopted what was always described as a more Scandinavian socializing habit, where we really only form a small circle of friends and basically only socialize with them and no one else with people rarely being added to the social group. Maybe it’s just my friends, but I’ve noticed it a lot within the last few years. It doesn’t really bother me but I know it bothers some.
It works great unless people need to move.
Midwesterner here, I think this is somewhat true, so I employ various tactics to try to change that:
I know you said it doesn't bother you, just thought I'd mention it for anyone else, since like you said, it's somewhat common.
I like keeping a diverse and varied collection of friends (ha, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean,) so that when life circumstances change or everyone's busy, I always have various options for who to spend my time with. It's also just nice to get to know different types of people.
Oh yeah no, I would never bring people to an event with friends that those friends didn’t explicitly invite. I already struggle with “open invitations” to do stuff. If I’m not explicitly invited I feel very uncomfortable just showing up to stuff myself.
I do try to invite friends in my friend group that don’t know each other to things I plan.