41
votes
When is the last time you made a new friend? That lasted.
Ive been losing friends over the years from moving away, settling down with my partner, and just being terrible at staying in touch. And i've realized i haven't been making any new ones either. So my social circle is shrinking. I meet people, but the social connections haven't really lasted.
I wonder how other folks are finding new friends that have been meaningful and lasted in adulthood.
It depends on what you mean by friend. 🙂
I've got a whole pipeline of acquaintances at varrying levels of friend-ness. I would say that the last one to cross the threshold from acquaintance to friend was about a year ago. The finish line is getting added to the Christmas goody box list, which onec added you are on forever even if I need to ship internationally.
I just always assess if someone makes any effort to reciprocate friendship like suggesting getting the families/spouses together at work, or put in extra effort socially. I met a restaurant owner and became friends with him and his family just by being there during a slow time of the morning and striking up conversation until I invited his family over for dinner and I cooked him authentic Italian (he is Italian).
It requires being willing to put yourself out there while be discerning about who is interested and good material.
I can't agree more about reciprocal behavior. For anybody looking for a clear litmus test on whether a new friend is committed or not, just all yourself whether they've made the effort to connect lately. If it's always you who does it, then you have an easy answer.
I only have online friends, because all irl "friends" I made the last decade started to make sexual advances at some point, starting with jokes, but getting more and more obvious to the point of straight up telling me that they want a sexual relationship with me. While I only want friends.
At some point, I stopped trying to be friends with people, because I became scared of opening up to someone, just for them to reveal that they actually just find me sexually attractive and don't want to actually be friends with me.
I am so sorry to hear that. You deserve deep and meaningful relationships with people that respect you and your boundaries.
Ive had similar issues where the folks that seem friendly to me and show interest end up wanting to be romantic partners not friends... And once they figure out im not interested or that i already have a partner, they ghost me... Even if i would still be willing to be friends...
funny enough, it wouldn't have been a problem for me if it was about romantic attraction. It's specifically the sexual part that makes me disappointed and feel betrayed. Well not even that, actually. It's the extremely pushy part about it and the more and more obvious "hints". I'm bad at picking up signs early on because I'm autistic, so I hang around too long before I finally get it / they tell me.
I feel especially betrayed because it's this extremely pushy behavior after the first X tries already didn't give them the desired outcome.
I also don't even get ghosted afterwards. They continue to try to pursue me until I have to cut them off.
It's very annoying, disheartening and exhausting. I didn't feel like even trying to make new friends for a long while now.
My only friends are online friends who are also neurodivergent, mainly autistic themselves.
Kind of necroposting, but I just saw you're also trans and came back to this thread to say, honestly, what you said about your real-life ex-friends' behaviour sounds kind of... chasery? I got that impression back when I first sae your comment but I had no clue you were trans.
I wanna say I hope that wasn't the case for those ex-friends (being objectified in that way is still very much, uh, objectifying) but on the other hand, it's not like the alternative is any better. Granted, falling into the asexual spectrum myself doesn't really give me much - if any - first hand experience to speak about this. However I do hope you'll eventually find at least a couple of people to hang out with in real life too, someday, when you'll be ready. Speaking from my current lived experience of living so far away from where I grew up, it does get pretty lonely not having anyone in real life except from my partner.
I had this problem before I outed myself as trans back in the days as well, just not as frequently because previously, I simply didn't really speak with people IRL.
A lot of these situations also happened with other trans people, too.
I do get where your view is coming from, because no matter if it's because I'm trans or because I'm autistic or anything else, it's clearly the same behavior typical trans chasers show. But I'm assuming that's simply because it's standard predatory behavior by nature, no matter the target of "attraction", starting with the fact that those people keep doing it repeatedly, with more direct attempts every time until they straight out say it - despite, or even in response to???, my desinterest in it.
Thank you for taking your time writing that reply!
You're welcome!
Yeah, you definitely have a point, and that makes things a little clearer. It does make a lot of sense to label this as standard predatory behaviour, although I'm somewhat astonished by the "perfect repeatability" of it all. Obviously, other people's actions are not your fault in the slightest, but I do assume there's some shared variable in all of those cases - whether it's a variable "we" have considered or not. Like, I'm genuinely surprised that not only did this happen with all real-life friends, but that all of them had shown the exact same behaviour as well, no exceptions. Considering that, it's absolutely no surprise being how careful you currently are with making friends; hell, if anything, it's perfectly logical.
For what it's worth, my own personal anecdote is that I've went through some similar experiences throughout my life, especially at the peak of my dysphoria prior to my egg actually cracking. It was as if everyone but me knew I was trans¹ and autistic, and I had almost all of my "friends" (at the time) basically take advantage of me for their own use and, once they got whatever they wanted, they just dropped me like a used lemon and probably moved on to the next one. In hindsight, a lot of those did actually show "attraction" towards me too... But I can't say if there really is any overlap with your case or whether that's just some coincidence.
1: hell, everyone I had anonymously met online was assuming I was my now-preferred gender even though I never hinted towards that and my avatars were based on my AGAB...
Some people definitely notice when you are autistic. They don't directly know that you are autistic, but many people feel that something is different about you. A lot of autistic people tell stories related to this. Especially about bullying and worse.
It's especially hard to get around this because of issues with communication and picking up such things.
Very true. Either way, of course, I wish you the best in figuring out the root cause of all this and (hopefully) eventually manage to find folks in real life who are worth your trust. Your experiences (and concerns) are valid.
Thank you, I wish you the best as well. Thank you for interacting with me.
A few years ago, all my friends from in my twenties left. Shit happened and we went our separate ways. I'd already been working on finding new friendships, and I did so by engaging with people in something I enjoyed: tabletop gaming at a friendly local game shop.
I met some wonderful people there and made some friendships, but only one really stuck - a guy who's kids I had also happened to teach. We really hit it off and have been gaming together for the last 6 years, building up our own little tabletop community for D&D mostly, but also occasionally other games.
It's been a gateway to building relationships for me, and I truly treasure these connections which are outside of work, school, or family.
My suggestion would be to find a local club or community that hosts an activity you enjoy and to dive into it.
I am part of a community which i am grateful for, but the relationships there end up staying within the bounds of the community. Doesn't extend beyond that.
I see. I regularly invite community members to events - we are all working people with families, so I accept that often times it just won't work out. There's often free or cheap things hosted by libraries and towns, have you looked into those?
I joined a BJJ club. I made a friend 2 years ago who is still a friend even though we both left the club. We are both 'older'
I've tried to make new friends, as I've moved around the country, but feel many are not interested. People have their circle and that's good for them.
It takes someone who is also wanting to make the effort and time.
Sorry I can't read BJJ anymore without hearing this.
Lol it's very exhausting and hard on the knees...
I have been popping into this thread since I saw it and pondering... I really don't ever make friends irl. I have acquaintances, but it's been 25+ years since I've felt like I've had a true friend, someone I can do stuff with, call up and just chat with, etc. I'm very introverted but can be appropriately social, and my SO is an extreme extrovert. We moved halfway across the country four years ago and I got here about three months before he did, and I made efforts to "make friends" so we'd have folks we could call friends. But honestly, while he loves them and he has gotten to be good buds with some of the guys, I do not fit into the ladies' group in general. I'm also very obvious about how my personality just doesn't do things that they typically do, and they're all very cool and accepting. So, I'll go hang with them for dinner on a "girls' night" and I can enjoy myself, and while some of these are good quality time, it's not what I call "friendship" (also, I could be wrong in my personal opinions on the definitions?).
Online friends though? I have some great ones. Not as many as I used to (sadly, at least three good friends of mine have since passed...), but with the changing methods of communication and my distaste towards "typically popular" social media, I'm finding that even finding new ones is difficult.
That being said, I recently joined a local roller derby team as a rookie, and I feel very much like an outsider still, but one of the reasons I did join was to meet new people and maybe, just maybe find a friend. I have made good acquaintances so far, but the golden moment was when some folks invited us rookies to join the discord channel. I've already realized so much that my online personality is much more outgoing than I am irl, which I hadn't ever really noticed before, as I have rarely met people irl then chatted online. Usually it's the other way around.
Anyway, all that to say, I honestly don't have any real friends haha. That sounds horrible, but I'm quite okay with it. We'll see if this new option has any viable outcomes, but what little social interaction I require is usually satisfied with the folks I do know locally.
I count you as a friend! Digital, but I don't care.
Yep, and it's mutual!
How does one go about making online friends? I used to have a ton when I was a young teenager. A whole list of "friends" on AIM and YIM (remember those?). Mostly people I'd hang around on the same forums as and we'd end up messaging.
But I never make that connection with people on forums any more (I mean, I don't really frequent any as they've all disappeared. Tildes is the closest thing to an old school forum that I frequent).
And whilst I engage in a few Discord communities I've never once felt a connection to anyone as everything moves so fast and I'm not online enough to get all the jokes that need contexts etc.
I have a few good friends IRL and don't feel lonely, but I am interested in how people make friendships online these days.
Mine is Discord. I actually have a leftover friend from playing SWTOR about 10 years ago that was the only reason I swapped. Then I started chatting in the Long Dark server a bit more, which is where I met Hobofarmer.
Those are basically my two online friends heh. But, I chat a bit with other folks, some whose "names" I know, others are just online people. But somehow, it kind of fills that "I need a friend to chat with" feeling, despite being generally anonymous and impersonal.
I'm 30. I've made 3 or 4 good friends in the last 6 months. I suppose it's not been long enough to say if they'll "last".
I'm in my 30s and I'm constantly making new friends. I just potentially made a new friend yesterday. But that's too early. We've planned to go play boardgames together. But if you want to count one that has lasted a while, then I made a new friend about 3 years ago. We are very close now.
An even longer one that I made as an adult in my late 20s, we've been friends for nearly a decade now. We're also very close.
I make friends through hobbies and work mainly. You play games or go to art events and befriend people. Then sometimes friends introduce their friends and you end up being closer to the new friend than the one who introduced them.
I don't know what the trick is to making friends and having it stick. So far I've just been genuine and gravitate to people who make me comfortable, which then in turn makes them comfortable around me.
I do have a hard time keeping up with people though. So for some old friends we meet once every few months. Or we just chat online and don't meet up that often. Or I have friends who don't chat but we meet up in person more.
Although my life isn't so great now, so I've been retreating and only communicating with a small amount of people. Mainly just 3.
I try not to think about it
I met a new very close friend around 38. We both relocated to a smallish town to work for a biggish company. To be blunt, we bonded over our mutual use of cannabis, but over many conversations we bonded deeply on many topics. I've met neither vaping buddy nor kindred spirit like him since, and feel lucky that I met him.
I have a lot of "friends" through work, but they don't know my kids' names. I have a lot of friends that I've made through my kids - fellow parents that I particularly get along with.
Post college, my work environment was a smaller office (distributed team across the country), but we did eventually hire a junior guy on my team. He and I got along well, and we stay in touch every few months just to see what we're up to since he got a new job, and then I left the country.
I think that was the only friend I met post college, which is getting close to 10 years ago for graduation. I've met some people through my wife's work and jobs, but never really connected with anyone on my own.
I'm actually going to hang out with a guy I met at church later today, which is the first time I've been out to hang out with anyone on my own (besides when I visited my friends in the US earlier this year) in a few years at this point.
Here's hoping I've got a new friend.
I recently moved from Portland, Oregon to Jacksonville, Florida. I started to go to church here where my parents are involved, and immediately started making connections in the young adult group. Unfortunately, there just wasn’t a connection there strong enough after getting to know everyone and just being my 39 year old self. I did have a good time learning to play pickleball. Granted the YAG was for people in their 20s and 30s, but I was just not enjoying that gap, and my budding business started getting in the way.
That long winded waste of time answer besides, I did make friends with the church organist and his wife. We spend some time together outside of church and he’s genuinely a fellow musician and friend now. Our piano skills together with a love for movies and the odd joke helps. I guess I’m saying, as have others in this thread, is to find a community that you can see yourself spending time with.
Obviously moving does help, and having my foot in the door w my parents already being a deep part of said church, but it’s possible!
That I met and hung out with IRL? Over 5 years ago now. Luckily, though, he turned out to be the love of my life, so that's not so bad.
It's partly hard to make friends because I'm an introvert who feels like an impostor in new social group meetings, and partly because I don't feel like I have much in common with many people in this country. The latter is an odd feeling, possibly unfair but still hard to shake.
As a relatively new parent I'm not out and about as much as I used to be so the new friends aren't exactly lining up. That said, I do manage to find new people or.reconnect with old people to fill areas of my life more often than not.
Frankly, I think I'm good at taking advantage of friendship opportunities these days because I've set simple rules on how to do it.
-Only love those who love you back. Effort from others to spend time together is rare - reward it! Time spent with others -- even if it's not filled with amazing, A+ experiences -- is time spent out in the world and with others. You don't have to be BFFs - a number of acquaintances do a pretty good job of filling gaps, too.
I feel like I've spent more time building new layers of old friendships in recent years, but I'm still hungry for new ones. There just isn't enough time in the day.
2023. At work. New job now, but I will meet him for lunch or dinner evert 3-4 months to catch up.
Offline, it has probably been more than 20 years. Some coworkers might have become friends but we were all too busy and lived too far apart. I made zero friends in college. I've met a couple of my online friends from other countries though.
I made a couple friends of new neighbors during the pandemic... which sounds quite weird now that I think about it. I don't think enough time has passed to judge anything since then. I'm a pretty charming s.o.b. behind my stony facade, so most people like me if we talk for a bit. However, I have very healthy boundaries (maybe even too healthy) and screen out potential friends all the time. I've had it happen more than a few times where people I worked with (peers and people that I managed) thought of me as their friend while I thought of them as simply a colleague, or acquaintance at best.
It's a shame, because who wouldn't like to have more real friends? If I could even get a couple older women/big sister types in my corner, that'd be class.
I would like more friends but I’m never available enough to be a reliable friend - at least not with current circumstances. I have some friends that understand. We can ghost each other for ages and then meet up when we have coinciding reprieve from the busyness of our lives.
I was just thinking yesterday, I miss the simplicity of being a teen where we could just sit in the wall of one of the houses and talk with neighbours our own age. No diary entries, no plans - just spending the moment together whatever form it happens to be in.
That's real friendship in my book. I find that the people who push to be in contact all the time or meet up every weekend are shallow in their friendship with me.
That might be due to the type of person I am myself, but it seems consistent with what I see of others too.
I see it as genuine friendship to be accepted along with our limitations that are outside of our control anyway (mostly).
The limitations could be external demands, the need to catch up with other friends that I haven’t seen in an even longer time, or just the need for extended alone time. But I’m not stringing anyone along. It’s just how I balance my own needs with external demands. I care about my friends (and others).
Right before I moved cities around 7-8 years ago I finally converted a work acquaintance into a friend. Super challenging to go from hanging out every day at work to only talking online and maybe taking a guys trip every year or two. But we do talk nearly every day and bounce work ideas off each other even though we haven't worked together since before I moved.
I'm in the process of working through the same thing with another work acquaintance now, but I'm not sure if we'll make it fully to the friend stage since we live in different states (woo WFH life). I've been unable to convert any RL folks into friends recently, mostly from lack of effort on my part.