I forgot how to have fun
Like the title says, over the past couple of years, I think I slowly forgot how to have fun. I'm looking for any advice anyone might have (whether you've gone through the same process or not) on how to have a bit more fun.
The past 4 years have been transformational and formative for me. At 21 I decided to switch majors and move out from my parents' house to a more urban city. I mentally (depression) and financially struggled for the first 3 years, going broke in my second year of my second chance at undergrad at one point, eating bowls of rice. I identified my shortcomings (lack of achievements and disposable income) and worked on them. In the 3rd year I worked part-time while also taking a TA position with a full engineering course load. Last summer I completed an internship while also working as an independent contractor for a startup and kept the contractor position while being a full-time student up until this year. I signed a full-time offer at a big company this January and have one course left to fully graduate. I'm also correcting exams and tests on a part time basis for a professor. All this to say, I suddenly had a significant boost in income the last couple of months, and even more free time, whereas I was living on ~20k/year previously, with no free time.
This doesn't mean I don't enjoy or appreciate any fun activity I partake in. When I do go out with my friends I'm having a lot of fun and I'm breathing in every moment. I'm not depressed (not anymore), but I find myself having a more neutral mood outside of hangouts. What I'm struggling with is initiative with regards to fun. What can I do to have fun? I live in a cramped-up studio which I plan on moving out of in spring, but for now I don't have space for a TV let's say. I don't have a gaming pc, because up until now I couldn't afford one. I have a ps4 with a couple of old games, though sometimes I struggle to play them because of a lingering feeling of guilt from using it as a medium of procrastination in my teens. People mention lifestyle creep that follows an income boost, but I think my financial situation in the past has some lingering effect on me that's inhibiting even a small healthy dose of that. It's hard for me to justify upgrading some of my stuff, because they still work. Or buying some items I've wanted, because I'm doing fine without them. The isolation in a studio and the now gone uncertainty that was during the pandemic before I signed a full-time offer also played a role here I think.
So, having read through all that, I welcome any ideas or suggestions on how to spice my weekly life a bit more. I want to shake off the fight-or-flight phase that I was in. What are some things that you do that you think I could adopt to have a bit more fun by myself?
Oh, hello familiar friend. I know you well.
A therapist can offer better advice, but this seems familiar to me. Being in frugal mode and low-key afraid all the time changes a person. It will take time to find your new normal. Make a budget if you don't have one already. Personally I find having one lets me "prove" to myself that the important things are taken care of, and spending money on myself for something that isn't absolutely essential is a lot easier and makes me feel better as opposed to agonizing over it.
An update 4 months later: this was exactly what I needed. I signed up for YNAB and used my student card to get a year off, and now I don’t feel bad spending since I have better visibility on what’s going in and out of my budgets.
Next step is to take the same mindset towards time.
That's great! Thanks for the update, it's wonderful to hear about people making positive healthy changes for themselves.
For time, there's a bazillion time-management apps of course. Google calendar works for me so far. I've only recently begun making a concerted effort to organize my time. So far I'm just using it to track appointments and social events (eg: things that are at a set time and involve other people), but I do have some reminders such as "every Sunday at 6pm, remind me to take the trash cans to the curb".
I haven't gotten to (but have thought about) blocking out times for leisure/hobby (such as, "this Saturday from 1-4 I will read a book") because that feels like it might ruin the free-wheeling feeling I kind of like about those things. OTOH if I did block out those things, it might feel better because they I can more much more certain that this is the thing I planned to do, and I can safely ignore any other tasks or hobbies that I feel I could be doing instead. I dunno, we'll see how it goes.
I'm definitely planning on pursuing some form of therapy, thanks for reminding me. For the budget, one preliminary question I guess is what should your emergency fund look like? I've started putting some money in a retirement fund for a short while now but what should a minimum base amount look like that can act as an available buffer, as in "okay, my bank account shouldn't ever fall beyond X$, if I'm at X, it means I should tone down my spending".
Beyond that thank you for the comment, if you have any resources that you used on budgeting, I'd love to take a read at. Up until now my budgeting has been looking at total monthly spending, and mentally estimating how long I can live off of what I currently have if I suddenly found myself without a reliable source of income.
I personally love YNAB’s method of budgeting (though I switched to a diff software this year). It’s zero-based budgeting, which means you take all your money and decide how you’re going to spend it in different categories. You aren’t allowed to spend more than you have, but you can move money from one category to another if you need/want to. I’ve been using that method since I got my first job where I had disposable income, and it has worked like a charm.
YNAB method: https://www.youneedabudget.com/the-four-rules/
Actual Budget: https://actualbudget.com/
I've been hearing about YNAB for years but I've got my own system and never looked into it. Turns out my system basically is YNAB but without special software or yet another paid SaaS subscription. As far as I can tell, YNAB is just the old envelope system but it replaces the cash/envelope organization with a digital app. My system does something similar but instead of an app I do everything through my bank (actually a credit union, same difference).
My CU offers unlimited free savings accounts, which I can open / manage myself through the online banking portal. I have about 60 of those today, though it was a lot fewer when I first started; I've been doing this for almost a decade now. Each account represents a different budget category or envelope. All allocations are handled automatically after payday by recurring scheduled transfers I set up.
My system works for me but requires a bit of work to get everything set up. I'm sure the UX is worse than whatever the YNAB app offers. But I find some peace of mind in that my money is actually being separated into different bank accounts. That separation guarantees I won't accidentally overspend. I think I'd have too much anxiety if all the money still lived in one pile somewhere, and the allocations were only concepts in an app. Feels more real to me, somehow, to have designated accounts with independent balances. And I don't have to pay anybody to use this system, which is a nice perk.
Edit: I'm salaried and have paychecks that are consistent in size and frequency. Probably worth calling out that this wouldn't work as well for other payroll scenarios.
There are some free versions out there (Aspire Budget is built on Google Sheets), but having recurring transactions is something I have to have. I also utilize a few credit cards for their rewards, so savings accounts don’t really work for my needs. Finding a system that suits your needs/wants is what it’s all about!
Oh yeah, I still have one checking account and all my recurring transactions go through there. For example, if I have some bill on monthly auto-pay, then I'll go into online banking and set up a recurring transfer to happen the day before, that moves the funds into checking from the savings account for that allocation.
The savings accounts are just to hold/earmark the money, I don't spend from there directly.
I see you've moved on to another software, but would you recommend the YNAB app if someone wanted to get started with the method? (Looks like students can get 12 months free...)
Absolutely! They jacked up their pricing last year which is why I switched. Thankfully their methods are software agnostic.
Awesome, thanks! My partner and I are just about to have a discussion about budgeting and combining our finances, and this looks like it'll help a lot going forward.
I've used YNAB, it worked ok for me, but my wife (now exwife) didn't like it. But she didn't like budgets in general. We eventually settled on a simplified system using a google sheet where we had the total income for the month, the total bills (eg, we have to pay these) and then had a number that was "leftover". We recorded purchases as we made them through the month, and as long as the total never exceeded the "leftover" it was ok.
Now that I'm divorced I have compete control over the finances, I still find myself using Google Sheets, just with a bit more depth. I have one sheet that holds all my bills and their average cost per month (btw I treat savings as a bill, it is not optional. Every month $X goes into savings, period).
Another sheet has a projection of "if I stick to my budget, I can anticipate having $X in the bank 1yr from now".
Then the 3rd sheet has my monthly purchases, which I usually enter at the end of each week. This lets me gauge more in real time if I've eaten out a little too much this week, and I should bring lunch from home more next week, that kind of thing.
This seems like a good starting point to help you understand your relationship with leisure. You're a productive member of society. Why is that guilty lingering on? Does it interfere with other areas of your life? Does guilt prevent you from doing other things you'd otherwise enjoy?
There's no true pleasure with guilt. You gotta remove the guilt first.
I feel this way sometimes. I'll often ask my partner "...what did we used to do on weekends?" like I've completely forgotten how to live outside of Covid work life.
This hits home for me. I was on food stamps for the last two years as I struggled to maneuver in the early Covid job market/launch our company and 2 year prior to that living off a grad school stipend. The transition away from living off of 15-20k per year has been jarring and it's been difficult to rewire my brain that I can indulge in more "treat yourself" moments. I spent $2300 on a new mountain bike over the summer and had an absurd amount of cognitive dissonance around it. "Did I really just drop that much on a bike?!?!" Truth be told it's been the best purchase I've made during Covid. My take has been to put money into the things i reeeeally want and leave the normal "upgrades" until things stop working. It sounds like a new gaming PC might be in your future!
I also want to put a big endorsement in here for the outdoors. Hiking, biking, camping, climbing, backpacking and water sports are relatively (big relatively here) cheap to get into, have welcoming groups for beginners, and can be participated in even during the pandemic. My most enjoyable, meaningful, and fun experiences in the last few years have almost always happened during one of those activities. I know there isn't access to the outdoors everywhere, but if you do have it within your reach that's where I'd put my energy.
It is a very complicated time to get computer parts, specially high end ones, due to the chip shortage. Very low availability and very inflated prices. You might have better luck with preassembled computers but you should still be careful.
Congrats on the mountain bike :)
Definitely love me some outdoor activities. My friend taught me how to ski recently and it's been an absolute blast. Canadian winters limit most of the activities you listed here unless you're committing with the gear, however it's something I'm looking forward to do once The Great Thaw comes around.
As another commenter mentioned, gaming PCs are a bit of a complex issue right now, but I'll definitely get myself a new console once I have the space and tv for it.
I wonder if it would help to meticulously plan out your day/week/whatever. Everything from school to work to meals to chores. If you have a secondary goal you're working toward (e.g. learn an instrument, get better at something), plan in a reasonable amount for that too. Once everything is accounted for, you'll be able to see exactly how much time you have left for simple leisure. The nagging thoughts of "man, I still have to do X, Y, Z. I shouldn't be playing right now" can be replaced with "I know for sure I can spare an hour break to play and still have plenty of time to do X, Y, Z after". It's very much the same as creating a budget, knowing how much money you can freely play with guilt-free after savings and obligations are certainly covered.
Yes, my life could use a bit more planning since I'm starting a new chapter. It would definitely help me adjust. I would welcome the sense of relaxation from knowing I can afford to take guilt-free activities while still being on schedule. I think I've been reluctant to get into more planning because in my mind it seemed like extra overhead.
Initially, it will be a bit onerous, both doing the task and forming the habit. The task itself should become quicker after the first week or two. Most of the big time commitments are somewhat fixed or change less frequently, like school or work hours. Recurring chores might move around the schedule, but usually take the same amount of time, so you only have to think about an estimate (or time it) once in the beginning. Eventually, you probably won't even need to write down an explicit schedule once the habit forms. I've done a similar thing with meticulous nutrition tracking and adjustment for a few weeks, but was able to stop tracking once I formed a natural sense of the variety and portions that would hit my goals.
For me, getting outside is a great way to have some fun, while also giving a feeling of productivity (in the form of exercise). Hiking, kayaking, sailing, and birdwatching all make me feel great.
What sort of neighborhood are you in? What area/country do you live in? If it’s nice weather (like it will be here in South Carolina this weekend), you might try finding a kayak rental place.
[redacted], where temperatures are subzero (Celsius) for the moment. Neighbourhood is very urban with some close by parks. I've gone skiing for the first time recently. Waiting to warm up but I definitely want to take a look into hiking/camping over the warmer seasons.
Ah, maybe don’t go kayaking yet if you’re in [redacted per user request].
How tolerant of the cold are you? You can still go walking/hiking in the winter, especially if you pick up some snowshoes or find a cleared rail trail. When I visit my dad in upstate New York, I always go for hikes, even in winter.
I really enjoy Wordle. We do it as a group activity at my work at the end of the day, but I enjoy doing it myself over the weekends too. It's just a fun little game and won't consume your whole day since it's only one word puzzle per day.
It's important to prioritize fun, but also, realize that lately, people's expectations don't match the reality of day to day life.
Most of life just isn't fun. You can't have fun all the time, or even most of the time. I'd struggle to even say that most people with stable, sustainable lives even have fun a lot of the time. TV, Movies and Social Media make it seem like people are supposed to be constantly hanging out with friends, traveling, playing games, having parties, doing sports, but that's just not reality. Most people stay home all week doing chores, watching TV, making food, etc. Sometimes they'll go out on certain weekends, but they're not having a blast all the time.
The fact that you're neutral and not depressed is good, and you could probably take a look at doing some low cost group activities during the week, or volunteering for a sense of belonging and social interaction. Overall though, don't feel bad because you're not having fun most of the time. People aren't supposed to have fun most of the time, which is why it's called having fun; it's something that's abnormal in most people's lives. Just try to take in as much joy as you can day to day, and if your life is boring outside of that, that's ok. That just means you're human.
Two suggestions:
Start a hobby. If you are at a blank, try doing small electronics projects and get into soldering. Doesn't take much space or starting costs, and if you've got an engineering background onboarding should be pretty quick. I bought a $80 soldering iron and it has already paid for itself twice-over by being able to repair some expensive stuff simply be re-soldering a few wires. Here's a half-decent starter project.
Also, just start walking around and take in your surroundings. If you're still in the city, pick a random block and walk there and walk back. Stop anywhere that seems interesting. Try to always pick a different route.
Outdoor activity had already been covered so I'll suggest seeing how you like reading for entertainment. You can check out a wide range of books from the library, digitally or in paper form, until you find the genre that you enjoy. I like reading actual books because it is a break from a screen and helps my mind see it as a different activity which breaks the monotony of scrolling everything.
Finding a book that really pulls you in can light up so many different parts of your brain and make you feel as if you have had different experiences that alleviate feelings of boredom.
This doesn't seem right given OP's description and reply comments. It sounds like op is definitely interested in doing things, and can experience normal pleasure when in the moment like with friends ("I'm having a lot of fun and I'm breathing in every moment"). It's just that old financial limits and productivity habits are resulting in guilt over owning, doing, and experiencing more now, when those limits and habits are no longer necessary to such a degree.
Oh...
I think there's a lot of great suggestions here but I think introspection on what exactly is happening will be most helpful. It's already great that you are recognising this as a problem to the point of posting here asking for advice.
My personal recommendation for inspiration would be to start with Meetup, or even Facebook Events. Lots of cool things probably happening around you unless you live in the middle of nowhere. You might find your next hobby through there.
Your social circle is also often a huge driver on how much fun you can have. Personally, my calendar lately has been so full of different activities with friends, to the point that I'm actively trying to reduce it, and see less people.
Good luck