Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (March 2024)

I struggle a lot with getting through the day. Early childhood emotional neglect, lack of developing a proper self (and thus not being appropriately taught to invest in myself). Motivation is hard to come by as most days are spent in bed or just while high listening to music.

My outlook is poor although I will enter group therapy twice weekly so there's a chance things might get better, if not well.. there are peaceful options.

Stressed, anxious, scared. I'm an incredibly risk averse person, but I've made a couple of life choices recently that feel quite a bit riskier than I'd normally prefer. I made them purposefully with the aim of achieving something of a goal I've been working toward for a looong time. I had assumed I'd feel proud/happy/relieved having gotten there. But instead, my mind keeps snagging on the worst-case outcomes of the risks, and it feels like my future is hanging on these choices.

I know I'll ultimately be 'ok', however the pieces fall and whatever 'ok' ends up meaning. I have a supportive network of friends and family. Some days it'sjust incredibly tough sitting with these emotions.

Recently I'm in an odd spot where my contract expired as a technician my current job. My previous boss under testing at the same location opened up a position for me, and I'm grateful, but it's a pay cut and a bit of the work I transfered out of. I'm currently burning off PTO at the better pay rate, and half heartedly shopping a resume around, but I'm making a point of just trying to decompress for now and not deal with work while I'm on vacation. Also, TIL my state has a penalty of not withholding enough taxes from your income, on top of asking for the amount you should have gave them. Ask me how I know this?

My dog is getting old, and is limping, a lot. Her elbow hurts, a lot. My other dog died in June. So that's kinda ruining my life right now, to put it simply.

TBH I'm just lacking motivation and will power to do what I know needs to be done. I went hard for several years and was doing great and then I just lost a lot of my motivation. I thought I just got burnt out but its been more than enough time to recover from that.

Like simple things that I want to get done to better my life and situation I have no motivation to do and keep putting off. I'm not sure why. It doesn't make sense to not have motivation to do the things that you know have to be done to improve you're life and move forward... but here I am haha.

Life's interesting.

Difficult. Recently had a session with my therapist that brought up my earliest traumatic memory. And I'm pretty confident in that because I was 3 or 4, and I can only recall one earlier memory.

It's been pretty liberating to have dug that up, but my brain is still kinda operating on some trauma responses by 'default'. Given how early that memory is and how it's been closer to three than two decades it's not surprising but boy.

I do have a temporary job so that's great. But man. I still really want to start a career.

I'm just so mentally and physically exhausted. I've been dealing with family health issues that just keep coming. Work has just been draining me hard for months, as I'm leaned on heavily because I seem to be the only one who can actually get stuff done. I want so bad to get a new job, but it's such an uphill climb. I'm a developer in a small, expensive vacation town that probably has two dozen developer jobs total, so I have to look for remote work. And it just seems so competitive right now. I feel like I've really got to spend a couple months studying and practicing for the code brainteasers that are so prevalent in tech interviews, but after coding all day I get home and I'm just out of gas.

I'm thinking about just coasting at work because there's no accountability anyway when people don't finish tasks. The company's a joke, but it was my foot back in the door of tech after many years out. Now, two years in, it's just killing me. I dread going to work tomorrow but in reality I could just do LeetCode or watch educational videos all day and get away with it. It sucks feeling like I have a lot to offer but I'm stuck in such a mediocre place.

I've lived my life feeling pretty regret-free and feeling like mistakes I made were just learning experiences. But as I get older, I am starting to feel like I wish I'd lived my life differently. I was programming in the mid to late 90s, and instead of going the computer science route in college I went the artistic route. If I'd studied computer science and really stuck with coding back then, I can't help but feel I'd be in a much better place today. That line of thinking, though, erases all the relationships I have. I struggle when I think about it.

And then when I think of doing all this work stuff for another 20+ years, I feel defeated. Modern life is such a grind.

I'm in a pretty good place again after a really nasty breakup from a decade long relationship in november. I've become more aware of all the gaslighting, controlling behaviour now and i can even point to very specific events to maintain my own sanity on the subject. I genuinely struggle with understanding reality now and what is/is not acceptable human behaviour after ten years. Its really tough to determine what is abusive behaviour when there were tons of amazing and loving times too. It seems real life relationship troubles are never as clear and easily discernible as advice columns and tv make them out to be.

Ive been exercising, getting in under calories and really avoiding liquor and it's actually working. This weekend I noticed the love handles were gone-ish and i can't believe it. I keep poking my sides and am excited that i dont look like a pear in a tighter sweater. I went on a pretty spontaneous date, it went pretty well and i had a good time, even though i dont think im interested but that feels like a good thing, i know now what im looking for in a woman and im going to try to stick with it. So tldr; confidence up, weight down, happiness improving.

I had a few days of bad thoughts again. I sobbed in the shower thinking I was spiraling into depression again. Thankfully I'm feeling better now.
Switching birth control helped tremendously for the last few months but I wonder if it's not 100% controlling my PMDD again. I use Dalio to track my daily mood, so I need to see if there's a pattern or if it was just a onetime mood swing. Fingers crossed for a onetime mood swing.
I'm sure y'all don't need to know all of that, but my therapist is on a break, so it's nice to dump it all somewhere.

Trigger warning for self harm.

I'm a month into DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and even though I no longer have anxiety during the actual sessions (once a week for 2 hours), the work itself is difficult to keep up with.

I have to note what emotions I've had each day before bed, which is fine. It's annoying to note my level of tension every 3 hours, but that's going okay too (last week as an example). But the part that gets to me is the dozens of pages of mindfulness exercises I'm supposed to be going through and trying out, at least once a day. I know that there is scientific evidence or whatever that it works, but I think I don't truly believe in them, so it's a huge struggle to do it. I'm not disciplined enough. It's like working out I guess, which I also just never did.

On top of this stuff, there's also my struggles with friendships and relationships. I have more friends than I've ever had but I'm getting teary eyed just writing this because life without a romantic partner is so lonely and empty. I try to pass the time with hobbies but all I want is a partner. Several of my friendships are quite one sided too.

But most importantly is the lack of a life partner.. I am so touch starved and I need so much support in life, but I'm not finding it. I don't have the strength to try, either, because rejection crushes me to the point of relapse. I was at 3 months which is the best I've done in over 2 years, and it was ironically DBT that caused it. Relapsing made me kind of give up, doing it every few days for a couple of weeks but I kind of scared myself last time because of how bad it got. So I've decided to properly try again and I'm now at over 1 week. It's so hard though. I get intrusive thoughts about it anytime I cook. I can't look at anything remotely sharp without thinking about how it would feel going through my skin.

The bad days get really bad. Therapist also made me a doctor's appointment to maybe put me on stabilizers on account of my mood swings. I am becoming more hopeful about life in general though, because there's been a definite increase in days where I feel okay or even good.

I had to have yet another "it's worth it to keep trying even though things suck" conversation with my partner. All his feelings are valid, and he's not suicidal, but he just is exhausted and wants to quit. He gets overwhelmed and has no where to go to be alone when he has a personal assistant or in-home therapist present. And yet I'd really like him not to quit :(

Sometimes I'm not sure how many more of these conversations I can have.

Looking for a new job after a scare where my contract as a auto technician expired, and I thought I was going to lose my PTO. My previous boss worked it out with the contract company where I can transfer back to my old job in testing at my old pay rate and could burn off my PTO, but I rather not be caught flat footed again and am proactively seeking out options.

Also, had a dental filling two weeks ago, and yesterday I was eating chips and felt a more sensitive crunch than usual. After 24 hours of searching, poking, and drinking water at various temperatures, I don't think I lost the filling, but it's going to bug me for the rest of the week at least.

I finally got my evaluation results last month. It took forever because my insurance is being a pain and refusing to cover it. I'm still fighting with them but anyway. I found out I have moderate to severe ADHD inattentive with bonus GAD and persistent depression, caused by the ADHD. The psychologist said her first thoughts were, "how did she make it this far on her own, without anything?"

I was able to get in to see a psychiatrist the following week and we've been playing medication roulette now. Concerta ER seems to be working okay so far, no side effects and my mind is quiet for once. But I'm still easily distracted, fidgety, and as forgetful as I usually am. Things to bring up in our next appointment.

I feel really validated but also sad. Things didn't have to be so painful or traumatic in college or after. Maybe I would have done so much better with the help I desperately needed back then.

I also injured my shoulder and can't exercise the way works best for me now. Exercise is a huge method for me to manage my depression.