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Dad jokes - I'm in need of something fresh
My kids are 17, 15, 14 and 3. The eldest have heard my repertoire over and over again. I speak of my beloved dad favourites such as:
2 cows are in a field. One turns to the other and says "Moo!", the other cow says "Oi, I was going to say that."
2 sausages are in a frying pan. One says "Phew, it's hot in here!" And the other says "Oh my God. A talking sausage!"
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was going down the road and turned into a field!
Now that you have finished laughing, I need some fresh stuff. So what hidden gems do you have for me to steal and use to cause more groans?
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
I was going to tell a time traveling joke but you didn’t laugh.
Last night I had a weird dream that I was swimming in orange pop. But then I woke and realised it was just a Fanta-Sea
I went to the zoo the other day, but there was just a dog in a cage. It was a Shih Tzu
So we went to another zoo, and there was just a cage with a loaf in it. I asked the keeper what was it all about, he said it was bread in captivity
Honest story. Im in a business where software upgrades get done at 2 and 3 in the morning. It has become a tradition that I tell Dad jokes when we have a quiet period. If I dont have one ready that is unacceptable, it has even become part of the Standard Operating Procedure, line 4001 the only line starting 4000, I Tell a Dad joke. I suppose it helps that to many of them I am old enough to be a father figure, So those above are my favourite, but I have more.
However, with an upcoming birthday that starts with a 6 and ends with an 0, it has been pointed out to me that these are not Dad Jokes, but Grandad Jokes.
I think the bread in captivity one has a lot of potential for a shaggy dog story. You can really spin it out with descriptions of the cold weather that day and how all of the cages were empty but had this or that type of plants and climbing structures inside and then you came to a really bare cage and how boring and flat it was and but then you noticed this loaf of crusty rye in the back...
I'm crying laughing here at your zoo jokes, my wife rolled her eyes so hard I think she strained something. Definitely adding those to the repertoire.
Firstly Im glad that I scored a success with them
Cmon though, fairs fair, share your best
A man walks up to a police officer. Officer, I found a penguin, what should I do with it? the man asks.
The officer replies: Take him to the zoo.
The next day, the officer walks down the street and meets the man with the penguin. Didn’t I tell you to take him to the zoo? he asks the man.
The man replies: That’s what I did and today we’re going to the movies.
Where are my manners!
A lot of my favourites have been shared already - but a couple I don't see here -
How do you catch a rabbit? - You hide behind a bush and make a sound like lettuce.
A sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says, sorry, we don't serve food in here.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
If you'd been swimming in an orange pop, it would have been a dreamsicle
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it.
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A man is working the front counter of the corner market when a duck walks in the door. The duck looks up at the man and says "Got any gwapes?".
The man is puzzled, but politely replies, "No, we don't have any 'gwapes'." So the duck, looking dejected, walks back out.
A couple hours later, the man is stocking some shelves when the duck comes back into the store. It walks up to the man and asks "Got any gwapes?".
The man is a little annoyed by the clueless duck and replies "I told you earlier, we don't have any 'gwapes!". The duck slumps a bit, but turns around and leaves the store.
Awhile later, after lunch, the man is mopping up a gallon of milk that a customer spilled when the duck walks back into the store again. It walks over, right across the puddle of milk, and asks the man "Got any gwapes?".
The man is pretty angry now, and snaps back at the duck "No, I've told you twice, we don't have any dang 'gwapes', and if you come back in here again asking for gwapes I'm going to staple your bill to the wall!!". The duck staggers back from the angry man and quickly shuffles back out the door.
It's late in the man's long day, and he is starting to close up the shop when he sees the duck walking back into the store. He storms over to the duck ready to grab the duck by the neck when the duck looks up and asks "Got any staples?"
This is weird, but I like it. My favorite weird one is:
Q Why do ducks have big, flat feet?
A To stamp out forest fires.
Q Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A To stamp out flaming ducks.
I have similar one:
Q - Why do elephants have red eyes?
A - To hide in tomatoes... (The person will probably give you the look) What?! Have you ever seen an elephant in tomatoes?
Expected answer would be "No".
Reply: Exacltly, that's because they hide well.
I love the duck story, also known as "the duck song", and immortalized in a youtube video.
ha, hadn't seen or heard of that. also, i realize i left off the "no, i dont have any staples", "then do you have any gwapes?" at the end.
also, 602M views!!?
Yeah it went viral many years ago
When is a door not a door? -- When it's ajar.
I asked the doctor if I could give myself the anesthesia. He said 'sure, knock yourself out!'
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN, they become REALLY MAD.
What's the difference between a duck? -- One of its legs are both the same.
Capitalism is when men exploit their fellow men. But thankfully, socialism is the other way around.
Why can't a bike stand on its own? -- It's two tired.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
My awkward friend got a Ph.D. in palindromes. Now he's Dr. Awkward.
What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?
So many dynamos!
If you ask me, the recent killer whale attacks on sailboats seem suspiciously orca-strated.
The offender will not go Free, Willy?
I’ve heard some gossip about peanut butter. I’m not going to tell you since I know you’ll just spread it!
What did George Michael answer when the waiter asked him what he wanted for his meal? “Well I guess it would be rice….”
What did George Michael think when his head started itching? “Well I guess it would be lice…”
What did George Michael say when he was pointing at a newborn infant? “BABY!!!!”
I don't understand the second one. Is it important to know some fact about George Michael to get the joke? I've never heard of him before.
The first line of George Michael’s “Faith” is “Well, I guess it would be nice … if I could touch your body”
Not sure what George Michal has to do with the joke, but the last three are saying "Ice, Ice, Baby" which was a song by Vanilla Ice.
No it's all George Michael's "Faith".
About the peanut better gossip: Don't let the chili pepper know about it, he's always jalapeño business
Why was the linguist sad? Because the past was imperfect.
I hope she can make her future perfect
some previous threads:
https://tildes.net/~talk/17ki/what_are_your_favourite_dad_jokes
https://tildes.net/~talk/265/shall_we_have_a_jokes_thread
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 door?
Because if it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
It took me a while since in my country we pronounce the 'e' in 'coupe', but I really like this joke. Sadly I can't tell it to others for the same reason.
Physicists recently discussed the results of a study showing the actual weight of a rainbow.
They said it's pretty light.Two peanuts were walking down the road
and one was assaultedWhy can you only walked through a camp ground?
Because you're always walking past tents.
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
Because she's too big for B shells
What did the Ninja say when asked if he could kill from a distance?
"Shur I ken!"
Maybe inappropriate for a "Dad" joke...
I went to the doctor, they told me I needed to stop masturbating.
"What? Why??" I asked.
The doctor says, "Because I'm standing right here"
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No YOU’RE A POO!
If you’re Russian when you go into the bathroom, and Finnish when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
European.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen the mall.
Did you know that Norwegian submarines have barcodes printed on their hull?
It's so that when they get to port, they can Scandinavian.How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.Why should you never pick a fight with a dinosaur?
You'll get jurasskicked.Why did Ross Geller drown?
He's a bad Schwimmer.Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd-numbered groups?
Because they literally can't even.What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says “hey, how do you drive this thing?” … and the other fish says “oh my god a talking fish!”
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter, he ain’t comin’.
What do you call a dog with no legs on the porch? Mat.
What do you call a dog with no legs in the ocean? Bob.
Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead.
Why’d the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey.
Why’d the tree fall down? Peer pressure.
What do you call a dog with no legs hung on a wall? Art.
Course my family has a dark streak so I always heard these as "guy with no arms and legs."
I might say "dog" to "man" might be a lateral move in terms of darkness...
While I generally agree, I also think the imagination gets a lot more graphic with a human subject than animal.
Maybe that's just the ego talking.
Switch it to baby and then you've gone full on sin.
Mommy, mommy can I have a cookie?
Sure, my dear, take one.
But mommy, I don’t have any arms.
Well, my dear, no arms, no cookie.
Two fish are in a tank, and one turns to the other and says "Can you drive this thing"
Have you heard about the circius? It's in-tents.
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep having these terrible dreams."
The doctor says, "Okay, what are the dreams about?"
The man says, "Oh, they are just awful. First, I dream I'm a teepee. Then I dream I'm a wigwam. It goes on all night."
The doctor says, "I think I know what the problem is. You're just too tense."
I asked my kid to borrow a pencil yesterday and it reminded me of this one ..
What do trees poop?
No. 2 pencils
Is there anything special about the lettuce farmer? Nah, he's just arugula guy
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Taquila
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees!
Whats it called when two prams collide?
A creche
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
Because the Parrots eat em all
Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Here's one I made up today:
What do you call a mansplaining amphibian?
A well-actuallotl.
I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too.
The guy who stole my journal died today. My thoughts are with his family.
For the younger set (timing matter on this one):
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupt -- MOOOOOO
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interupt-<cover their face with your hand>
Hah! I love it. Going to try it on my kid tonight.
Beware. It might become a new favorite than they'll do it in an inappropriate setting.
Like to a random adult they barely know in public. Speaking from experience.
Or the classic...
You: "I have a great knock-knock joke! You start."
Them: "OK, knock-knock."
You: "Who's there?"
Them: "..."
Why do bees fly with their legs crossed?
They're looking for a BP station.
If you can find a way to watch the Muppet Show from the 70s, you will find a consistent supply of dad jokes. It streams on Disney, there are DVDs and some folks sail the high seas. Every episode has puns and jokes based on puns.
How do you hide an elephant in the fridge?
Easy. Open door, put elephant inside, close door.
How do you hide a deer in the fridge?
Open door, take elephant out, put deer inside, close door.
The lion king is calling all the animals. They all come except one. Who’s missing?
The deer. It’s still in the fridge.
how do you know there was an elephant in the fridge?
you can see his footprints in the butter.
you're in front of a big moat full of crocodiles, how can you get to the other side?
easy, just swim through, the crocodiles are all with the lion.
Why shouldn’t you go to the swamp between 4 and 6 on a Saturday?
Because the elephants are practicing parachuting.
Why do the crocodiles have such a flat mouth?
Because they went into the swamp between 4 and 6 on a Saturday.
a couple was moving overseas and they were loading up their appliances on the plane. all of them were easy enough to load except one. which was it?
the fridge. i mean it would be heavy with the deer in it and all.
Mainly I just wait for myself to say that my child is doing a {verb} and then I ask them if they are {person whose name contains that verb}. examples