Layoffs, survivor guilt, and existential dread
The company I work for laid off half of my office this week. I'm one of the survivors, and trying to process what happened.
The company has been transparent about revenues. However, we had no idea that we would be so badly penalized for management choices that created significant operating cost overruns in the face of a projected short-term demand decline. I've lost half the members of my immediate team, good friends, people whose work and thoughtfulness I deeply respected. The entire department structure is being upended. The harshness of the selection for people who were being laid off included a teammate who's in the hospital, parents of young children, people on the edge of retirement. I'm suspicious and extra hostile towards the company - it's very significant to me that all the people of color and people who've had recent medical leave are among the lost.
It's not the first time I've watched and survived a company's poor management and bad choices, but this is by far the worst. I've worked very hard at staying professional with the customers this week. I'm still inwardly seething with rage. I'm trying to figure out how to be supportive to the people who are leaving. I'm trying to figure out how to help a team lead who's in his first management job, and is totally devastated and nearly frozen with helplessness. I'm decent at my job, but don't know why I was kept and others with equal or greater skills were let go. I don't feel good about what qualities I might have had that corporate desired to keep - dutifulness, compliance, amiability, reticence?
At the same time, I'm looking at months of double workload even though corporate management claims they'll outsource part of the duties (so that's another symptom that I'm replaceable) and manage the task pipeline. There's a frankly insulting retention bonus if I stay for another year. We've gotten the usual anodyne HR garbage about the employee assistance program and coping skills. The corporate management's left us with the ominous "stay tuned for further announcements over the coming weeks".
I don't have a lot of choices here. I'm trying hard to stay focused on the present, without looking over the cliff of dread at the future. At the moment, I'm the sole support for our household and source of health insurance. My spouse is badly burnt out, and I don't want him to look for work a minute before he's healthy and enthusiastic about a job. I'm a late-50's end-career professional who wouldn't normally have much interest in restarting yet again elsewhere. I very deliberately chose this company, job and location, liked the work I was doing, the people I was doing it with, and I was looking forward to building on it. There's still the possibility that our half-vacant remote office will be closed and consolidated with the corporate headquarters. I have less than zero interest in relocating, and plan to keep separated coworkers who live here as personal friends.
I'll be grateful to hear any advice on coping with this situation, and hope the replies will be helpful to others in future.
That was my situation when I left my last job and moved the hell away to a place I wanted to be in. It's devastating to know, bone-deep, that there really isn't such a thing as career security. The company I'm working for used to have a reputation for avoiding layoffs at all costs, employee loyalty was through the roof, and our division was a cash-cow for the rest of the company. I didn't think I'd have to go through this yet again. In all likelihood, I'll stay and remain resentful, because it's really not any better elsewhere.
There is literally no reason I can't do my current job remotely - I did it reliably throughout the pandemic lockdowns. If there's an insistence on relocation, it's game over, so I am looking for other opportunities.
I briefly entertained the idea of organizing for an employee buy-out of the division, but the product suite is way too valuable to corporate strategy for all of us to afford it under any circumstances.
Managing resentment is pretty much second nature at this stage in my career. Tildes was my refuge through the burnout and recovery in the previous job. I also didn't mention that I've already survived a much smaller round of layoffs a year ago at the same company, that came with hiring freezes and more work.
I don't know why I clung so hard to the idea that I wouldn't have a chance to do equally or more valuable work elsewhere, so I should probably scrape together a few dollars to talk with a therapist again.
I don't know if what I have to say will make any sense or not, but if you're trying to find a way to not be resentful, maybe you can try thinking like this: think of your favorite dessert. I'll use my mom's chocolate cake as an example. If you love the cake and flavor, but a fly lands in the icing, do you think the entire cake is ruined? Of course not. You scoop the fly (and maybe some extra icing just to make sure you get any extra nasty bits) off the top and cut a slice anyway.
The layoff choice is the fly, and the cake is your job.
This is a big issue, especially since it involves morals. I heard somewhere that when we don't stand up for what we belive in, we become disgusted with ourselves (whether consciously or subconsciously, idr). So try to mesh these two things together: the knowledge of needing the job and also that your continuation of the job, with a guilt-free, happy mentality is NOT a sign of you abandoning your morals and beliefs. Working at this place is not an endorsement of what just happened. The fact you can't freely make a choice you want to, is a sign of a sick economy, that is in desperate need of an overhaul of regulations, most likely.
Ofc if you don't resonate with any of what I said, no worries. I haven't been in your shoes before. Take this stuff with a grain of salt.
I'm not sure if it makes you feel better or not, but that quality was almost certainly just luck. Large layoffs are typically just luck based. They usually don't even tell line managers to avoid leaks, and HR and upper management can't possibly know how each person performs. There may be a shortlist of people included on the layoff, but the vast majority is just the roll of the dice.
Luck, and perhaps OP is being paid even $10 less than the next guy. Especially if OP liked working there, they could have been paid a smaller fraction of what they're truly worth.
The rare benefits of being a worse negotiator.
Hello~
I've been laid off before - I think nearly everyone my generation just takes it for a fact that companies have and deserve no loyalty.
The company is a sinking ship and your first priority is your family, which includes your mental health. I would not work any harder than the day before they cut off their own head, and maybe even dial it back as much as you could, and channel all of your focus into looking for new work.
This work WAS good, appreciate the past, but don't be fooled into thinking it could ever be the same even if the company survived.
Take stock, breathe, aim to leave.
Reply to everything with "the changes were very abrupt and everything will take longer than they used to". Work on leaving.
Your team lead will best flourish by leaving. The best thing you can do for them is to lead by example.
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm in that odd Gen-X demographic where every job I've ever had has entailed a certain taste for excrement panini. Low pay, sexual harassment and abuse, excessive hours... it's all about paying the rent and not being tossed back into a recession-driven swarm of other hungry job-seekers. If you luck out and find something with actual value and purpose to do, you hold on like a masochistic barnacle.
There's been a brief, shining post-pandemic glut of better jobs, but that's coming to an end. All the "great economy" propaganda has been covered elsewhere on Tildes. I don't think this is situationally driven pessimism. I was deluged with recruiter spam up until the last few months. After having spent most of the day looking at available jobs, the dropoff in quantity and quality is dramatic. I'll aim to leave, but it's likely to take a while.
My parents are from the generation above yours, and from an extremely young age they taught me to hold onto any job with as much hard work and loyalty as possible because they reward loyalty, and it's always worse out there. They were wrong. Dead wrong.
I hope things improve for you very quickly and that you can jump onto a far better one with even better health care. You've got a ton of experience and have a distinct advantage over new grads. Hang in there you got this
From what I gather, you're in IT with some pretty hefty experience. Why is location a worry at all for you? You could stay where you're living and get a remote job. This job is obviously collapsing. Channel your survivor's guilt into a passion to get out of there and leave them even more short-staffed.
I live in a small tourist area with not a lot of technical jobs available. I do have one of those scarce development jobs, but I'm at a dysfunctional company where I'm vastly underpaid for my experience, work ethic, and productivity. I took this job to get my foot back in the door after some time outside of tech. But now I've got one foot out of the door and my next role will be remote. It has to be. I don't want to leave this community, there aren't a lot of opportunities around here, but I also know my value.
There's all this talk about the job market being bad in tech right now. But I think it's the worst at the lowest levels. You're not a junior. You will be able to find something remote with some effort. I know the job hunt sucks (I've been awful about it lately), but unless you're ready to retire, this is your reality. Face the truth, you know? Cope with the situation by moving on to greener pastures and doing what's best for you and your family.
I updated my reply to /u/douchebag to reflect that I'm doing that, and I'm likewise living in a remote tourist area with limited IT opportunities. Nevertheless, I enjoy the interesting tech stack I'm working with, don't want to leave people I care about even more overburdened, and we're doing useful things in healthcare that aren't readily available elsewhere. My compensation after a few years is just good enough that most positions I'd be qualified for to work remotely are paying less (unless I go back into management, and that's a very, very last resort). The excellent health insurance coverage is essential at this point in our lives. I hate that I'm contemplating capitulation to a horrible situation for money, but that's the reality.
I understand what you're saying, and it's just a crummy situation all around. I do just want to opine, though, that you shouldn't worry yourself with leaving people you care about overburdened. If those people really care about you in turn, they will be happy for you that you got out. I have a coworker who had a interview recently for a remote development job, and I could see them getting it because they're very smart, a good talker, and a fun person. Way more talented than what they do at our company. And while if they left, it would saddle me with even more work, I would be immensely happy for them that they got out. That's because I earnestly care about their success as a fellow human struggling to just exist.
And I'll also say that all the positives you mention about your current job are most definitely available at other jobs. I know the job search is a slog, but your current job is a "horrible situation." Even though my job sucks and is draining, I wouldn't call it a horrible situation. I hope you're able to find something better soon that fulfills all your needs. I'm confident you can.
Thank you for the kind words - I really needed to hear that encouragement. I've had to deal with a weird mixed bag of sexism, ageism, and other messed up job search nonsense before, and it's time to suck that up and go hunting.
Just a little tangent...
You know, as someone who is now middle aged, I've been thinking about ageism lately. Fortunately, I look and act younger than my years, but I've also caught myself at work unnecessarily talking about things that "age" me. I say "unnecessarily" because, as I look back on those conversations, I'm doing it as a bit of a flex. I'm doing it as a brag, like I'm cool because I'm old school and that makes me worthy of regard. But as I dissect it, I see how annoying it actually is. When a person a generation or two above you talks about the past like that, it comes off as unrelatable, self-aggrandizing, and at times pathetic. So I want to stop doing that. Particularly because I want to keep people guessing about my age while it's still ambiguous.
Also, as a fan of 30 Rock, there's a scene where Jack (Alec Baldwin) is confronting Jenna (Jane Krakowski) about her age, and Jenna has lies at the ready. I find it hilarious, but I also look to it and think... I should do that. I know it's just a comedy TV show, I know Jenna isn't a character you're supposed to look up to, but this scene illustrates the real struggle actresses experience in regards to ageism in Hollywood. Ageism in tech is a reality as well, and any exercise to combat it on a personal level could prove to be valuable for self-preservation.
This is something I've been thinking ahead (?) about. Im a woman in my 30s and I look my age. Which on the one hand, whatever, but on the other, I know I'm not going to be able to hide behind a youthful appearance as I continue to get older.
I'm in a tech-adjacent role and I quite like my job but I do wonder how long I'll be able to stay in the industry, if I still even want to in the future.
kind of sucks to feel like this is something I need to dedicate effort to. Curious if you have any specific suggestions. The main thing I try to do now is keep my wardrobe/style at least a little fresh (though, i hate the waste generated by the fast fashion industry). I also keep education dates off my linkedin, and have thought about doing the same for my resume next time I apply for work just to see what happens
I've passed for younger than my age for a long time, on energy, enthusiasm, friends in all age groups, and the beneficial wrinkle-preventing effects of lurking around computers rather than sunlight. I don't have great advice for pretending to be eternally youthful, though. Putting together a portfolio of work that shows increasing responsibility and complexity has been what got me through the doors on the jobs I've applied to. If sexism didn't stop me, I'm not going to let ageism or ableism do it, either.
Thank you for this. The ageism thing doesn't consume me, it's moreso a thought in the background.
I've always loved learning and growing, so I do hope that energy keeps carrying me forward. (Btw, I hope you dont mind that I derailed a bit from your post)
I don't mind the diversion at all, it's a worry that's been on my mind as well when embarking on yet another job quest.
It's not just my advanced age for IT jobs, I've now got health limitations which I can't fully conceal. Nothing that prevents me from doing my current job, but I'm having a hard time believing that my qualifications will get me past the "why would we hire an expensive old wreck when we can get two fresh college grads or H1Bs for the price?" mentality.
I'm not sure I have any great actionable advice, as I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. As I mentioned, I look and act younger than my years, which I attribute to being childfree. I also regularly hang out with friends who are 10+ years younger. I've got friends in their 20s and early 30s, and they pretty much all say that my partner and I don't seem like we're in our 40s. Recently, I was hanging out with a group of friends and people I didn't know, and we were talking about a movie from the late 80s and trying to remember the main actress in it. I knew immediately and spoke up, and a guy I didn't know was surprised. "How do you know that? You're too young to know that movie!" He and I were the same age. That made me feel good.
I think it's just about being up to hang out, sometimes into the wee hours of the night, and not being too "adult," which comes from not having kids. No disrespect to parents at all, but being a parent gives you a different air of responsibility. I also try to keep a nice appearance and haven't let myself go. Again, no disrespect to 40-somethings, but by the time you're in your 40s you're kinda over it all, and that can reflect in how you present yourself. While I'm over a lot of bullshit, I'm not over looking put together.
I have taken the dates off my education on my resume. I might even take my Master's degree off my resume, since it has no relation to tech and it would free up another few lines in favor of tech jargon. And to be honest, since I can pass for early 30s, especially in a Zoom interview, I'll probably start to think about how I can craft responses to make myself come off as younger. For example, if I'm asked when I started programming, the truth would be that I learned in high school in the late 90s. That ages me. But if I say that I really got into it while at an IT job in the late 2000s, that makes me seem younger and isn't a complete lie.
And, in the spirit of Jenna Maroney in the 30 Rock clip I linked above... my junior high crush definitely wasn't Christina Ricci. It was Selena Gomez.
Thank you, this is some good food for thought.
I can relate. I'm finding myself giving far fewer fs about things I used to care about. On the one hand, it's freeing. But also, Im balancing it with being mindful about when to still care.
I don't know how you feel about being an organizer, but you might think about encouraging these people to talk to each other and an employment lawyer to see if they have a cause of action (if they didn't sign that right away for severance already). It can seem expensive to pay someone $300 or more per hour, but if they are good, those hours can really be worth it, even if it's just for peace of mind knowing you did all you could.
I was the first employee at a startup and was there for about ten years, so I had a big role in shaping the company's culture, which was very positive. In my last year, they had three layoffs. The last one was in the works when I gave my notice, and I was initially asked to be a part of the layoff, then they told me there wasn't going to be a layoff, then they laid a bunch of people off one week after my last day. So they avoided paying me severance (which was based on seniority, so would have been substantial). That was just shitty icing on the dysfunction cake that had made me put in my notice.
Through each of the layoffs, I've had all the feelings you described – the heartache of co-workers who didn't deserve it, the survivors guilt, trying to figure out my own feelings when interacting with people who left, negative feelings about the job. The only thing that helped me was time, but I didn't really feel peace about it until about 6 months after I left.
I'm glad you are job hunting anyway.
I don't know how visible the product is, in the sense that putting, "worked on Project X" on a resume or cover letter would make you attractive to competitors who are looking to do something similar, but this might be unique experience and expertise that might help you get a job where you are not angry and suspicious.
I know you said you liked the work, and I know nowhere is perfect, but my feeling is that life is too short to put up with that kind of bullshit. About six months before I left, I almost died and had three months of PTSD related FMLA leave. During that time, I did a lot of soul searching about what was important to me, and I came to find that the company and the work weren't at the top of the list. That really helped me leave because (in hindsight) I had become overly invested in the company. I'm not saying that is you, but it is food for thought. I also respect your desire to protect burnt out spouse.
I hope you find something better that fits with your goals or find a better place that lets you stay with peace about it!
Thank you for the encouraging words, and I'm sorry you went through the burnout cycle as well, with a side helping of getting cheated of severance.
I'm in touch with the teammates who got cut. I think the coworker who just got out of the hospital today, and another who's been only been back from medical leave for two months after cancer treatment, might have especially good discrimination cases. They're both exemplary employees who consistently received stellar reviews from managers and customers.
Gathering up resumé glitter isn't a big concern. I've got significant "Project X" work on our niche, but valuable and visible product suite. There are installations in some very highly esteemed healthcare venues, and I can round up recommendations from them at a fairly high level. The trouble is, neither the competition nor the customers are hiring, for the same reasons that my current employer is cutting. U.S. healthcare capital and services spending for IT is in the doldrums, with respect to almost everything except EMR adoption and cybersecurity. I don't want to think about moving to Wisconsin except as a last resort, but Epic has more than a few openings that I'd be well-suited for.
I've already made a commitment not to let work supercede life again. The cost the last time around was neglecting my own health to the point of early joint replacements that could have been avoided. It's too bad there's no equivalent of AA for workaholics, though.
How about a bi-weekly work-life balance support thread entitled, "there will always be more work tomorrow"?
In all seriousness, I think reflection and a regular reminder of the value of self care and putting family first were what helped me (I got it from talk therapy). Things didn't really get better for me until I started taking my self-care time out of the work time budget instead of the family time budget.
Speaking as a barely reformed workism cultist, I found myself giving /u/eggpl4nt the "I am not my job" speech about burnout last week, before this latest mayhem. I need to take my own advice.
Haha, workism is a new one for me. I have lately enjoyed the shorts on this youtube channel where she sets firm boundaries in a professional tone and takes no shit from pushy co-workers. I'm working at home at the moment, so mostly it is vicarious fantasy, but I'd like to think enough exposure will cause the right words to come out at the right time if I ever need them to. The UNT mug is funny, but would be too far for real life.
That TikTok hits very close to home, I loved it and will be shopping for the mug...
I've been in this situation before.
There is one thing that I hope that you understand. (I think you do). You don't owe your employer any loyalty. You aren't responsible for the bad decisions other people make. So whether you stay or go, you shouldn't have guilt.
One thing that bothers me a lot is companies who try to say that "We are a big family". These companies always lay off and fire "their family members" whenever it suits them. It's basically a survival of the fittest situation. And fairness has nothing to do with it. Especially since "fittest" in the workplace doesn't necessarily mean "hardest worker" or "best at the job" or even "contributes the most to the company".
Well, I've spent the day opening up and dusting off my LinkedIn profile, writing recommendation blurbs for former coworkers, and browsing the job market. It's kind of grim for anything but management and Epic EMR jobs, but I'll take what I can get if things become any worse. Thank you all for the support and advice.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a lot right now. 😞 I agree with updating your LinkedIn, resume, references, and checking job posts - steps you're already doing. However, I don't think you need to leave this job immediately. There is a chance that your company can bounce back. I know you're not gung ho about it, but the employee assistance program might actually be helpful for the mental health aspect. You're doing plenty to support everyone else, you also need support for yourself.
Layoffs are always messy and terrible. The selection for people who got laid off looks harsh because it is - it's all about numbers. Which job functions are necessary? Which employees have enough experience, but aren't being paid more than the company can afford? This could explain why you kept your job when others were let go. The offer to outsource your future doubled workload doesn't mean you're replaceable. Your brain is valuable. The company just found a lower cost solution to their current financial problem. The problem is beyond individual employees' control.
It looks sus that all the POC got laid off. I would definitely run from the company if a pattern emerges. Maybe their racist colors are showing, maybe they were paying POC the highest salaries in roles that had to be cut first. Idk if there is enough info there. Instead, I would ask your ex-coworkers if the company is treating them well. Were they offered severance? Were their questions about health insurance and unemployment answered promptly and thoroughly? I would not approve of the company if they weren't helping people out.
This is why I don't for one second buy the trope that the capital shoulders the risk. The workers shoulder the risk, they can be kicked to the curb and have their entire lives upended because of the recklessness of C-suite, who themselves stay just fine.