Huh maybe I should go try one of these events lol. I feel like dating apps are just annoying in general, especially in the suburbs. I feel like I'm just developing commitment issues because what's...
Huh maybe I should go try one of these events lol. I feel like dating apps are just annoying in general, especially in the suburbs. I feel like I'm just developing commitment issues because what's the point in investing into anyone you meet on the apps. I think I've been on 10ish dates in the last couple of months and I feel like I go to the same places every time too, since there's not much to do in the burbs.
Yeah that's the problem with these apps. Lotta first dates, some second dates, the occasional six month "situationship" but never anything lasting. I think that's by design. These apps clearly...
Yeah that's the problem with these apps. Lotta first dates, some second dates, the occasional six month "situationship" but never anything lasting. I think that's by design.
These apps clearly know my type - call it conspiratorial thinking, call it feminine intuition, but I don't buy that feeld showed me two matches that were exactly my type the week of valentines day just by pure chance.
They know who I'm into and who's into me. Why aren't they actually matching us, like okcupid used to? I don't see another reason other than money.
It's frustrating to me because I know off the top of my head 2 different couples that have been dating for 2+ years off of the apps too, one of them are getting married soon too. So it's just like...
It's frustrating to me because I know off the top of my head 2 different couples that have been dating for 2+ years off of the apps too, one of them are getting married soon too. So it's just like dang maybe I just got in on the wrong time lol.
I am about to reach the 4-year mark with my girlfriend that I matched with on Tinder. The dynamic may just be different for certain areas. We met in person in college, but nothing came of it....
I am about to reach the 4-year mark with my girlfriend that I matched with on Tinder. The dynamic may just be different for certain areas.
We met in person in college, but nothing came of it. Tinder was a way to declare our interest in each other after we were already acquaintances. In college areas, Tinder can act more like a dating social network to connect with people you have probably already encountered in passing. Out in the real world, I imagine it would be a much worse experience.
Congratulations!! Yeah I do think that there was a time where dating apps actually worked properly, and I think I've just not been too committed to actually meeting people properly tbh. There's...
Congratulations!!
Yeah I do think that there was a time where dating apps actually worked properly, and I think I've just not been too committed to actually meeting people properly tbh. There's definitely some fault in the way I approach these dates, but also I'm not exactly super into any of the people I meet.
I think it's pretty rare that you meet someone who immediately checks off every box for you. Dating apps can also make you feel like a better match is a swipe away, so people are less likely to...
I think it's pretty rare that you meet someone who immediately checks off every box for you. Dating apps can also make you feel like a better match is a swipe away, so people are less likely to stick around if anything is less than perfect.
One thing that helped me to not get burnt out when using dating apps was to ask a lot of questions and focus on enjoying learning about people. I got to try a lot of new things because I focused on learning about their interests and trying new activities even if it wasn't what I was previously into. This turned every date into something of value even if it didn't end in a relationship.
I don't know how you have currently been approaching dating, but focus on where they took their photos instead of only how they look in them and honestly don't bother with people with uninformative bios. Interesting photo locations and bios that convey a bit of personality will reveal people that actually have interests.
Don't forget to make sure your photos and bio shows that you are a person that is passionate about something. Attractive photos in mundane places and a joke in your bio won't attract other interesting people as often.
Dating takes a lot of time, so you just have to find a way to make it sustainable for you.
I’ve never used dating apps so I can’t comment in that regard, but in general I like this advice. It reminds me of something I’ve heard before (I think it was a student getting advice from their...
Attractive photos in mundane places and a joke in your bio won't attract other interesting people as often.
I’ve never used dating apps so I can’t comment in that regard, but in general I like this advice.
It reminds me of something I’ve heard before (I think it was a student getting advice from their art teacher) which goes along the lines of “you can’t make everyone like [the artwork], but if you focus on what some people hate about it, you’ll win favour from the people that love it by leaning into it.”
If your dating profile is designed to make sure nobody potentially hates it, that will also make sure nobody really loves it. Instead, lean into the differences that make you unique. Bonus points, if you make some people hate it for being distinct, then you’ve got an excellent self-filtering system!
I think I'm weird in that the people I've attracted in person and who I am attracted to are people who find intellectual and political beliefs to be a primary source of compatibility. Really this...
I think I'm weird in that the people I've attracted in person and who I am attracted to are people who find intellectual and political beliefs to be a primary source of compatibility. Really this is just another way of saying I think values are important. But what's crazy to me is when I start talking about values and value-adjacent things on first dates most people are turned off by that. It's what I'm dying to hear from my date. I don't care nearly as much to talk about what movies people watch or music they listen to. I want to know how they volunteer their time to help others, what changes they want to see and make in the world, who they respect most and why they're excited to be alive.
Edit:
I'm reminded of the one date I went on with this very type A Stanford PhD girl. I picked her up and she seemed very happy to see me. We head downtown to get an afternoon beer. She mentions offhand as we're getting out of my car that she worked with a professor in Stanford's (surprisingly) conservative think-tank.
Her: "After working with <professor> he taught me what conservatism really is."
Me: Curious if this means she's conservative or if she's cracked the code I've been meaning to figure out "Oh! What did you learn? What does it really mean?"
Her: "Oh, we are not talking about politics."
Me: ... wtf?
Later on it became clear we weren't compatible. She worked 50+ hours per week and used her free time to trail run 50 miles every weekend. So I pressed her again on what she said earlier. I really wanted to know the secret! She absolutely refused to explain what she meant.
My goodness, that would have been a dealbreaker even for a friendship. I can’t imagine what it would mean if they refuse to qualify a basic statement they made.
My goodness, that would have been a dealbreaker even for a friendship. I can’t imagine what it would mean if they refuse to qualify a basic statement they made.
Yeah there are a lot of weird people out there. I certainly have my faults - taking up a lot of the time talking and not enough time listening. Granted, some people are okay with that. I think all...
Yeah there are a lot of weird people out there. I certainly have my faults - taking up a lot of the time talking and not enough time listening. Granted, some people are okay with that. I think all of my friends are either happy to exert pressure to get in time to say what they'd like to say or enjoy having someone around who is doing most of the talking.
Since she responded negatively to talking about politics, it's probably that what she learned in this instance was something negative about conservatism, or that it entrenched a negative opinion...
Since she responded negatively to talking about politics, it's probably that what she learned in this instance was something negative about conservatism, or that it entrenched a negative opinion about conservatism. I don't think it inherently weird to not talk about politics on a first date, although in this instance she brought it up first.
I general I think many people would find jumping straight to intellectual and political beliefs a bit too forward or aggressive for a first date. Usually those are more small talk to probe about each other's interests. At some point you'd have to address it, but y'know, baby steps.
Yeah I'm not actually likely to start that kind of conversation on the first couple of dates. But I do try to ask some big-picture questions, or for their interpretation on something. Most of the...
Yeah I'm not actually likely to start that kind of conversation on the first couple of dates. But I do try to ask some big-picture questions, or for their interpretation on something. Most of the time it's like pulling teeth. There was a girl who I brought to a modern art museum on a second date. It's a great opportunity to get someone's thoughts on a wide variety of things. We went through much of the museum and every time I asked she just re-iterated that she didn't know anything about art and couldn't comment on anything. So I shared my interpretations of various pieces to help show her how I was approaching things. That didn't help.
We talked about other various things of course. But never found a topic that indicated there was any good commonality.
I think for me a major issue is that online dating always starts as blind dates. Any date I've gone on with someone I've known through a friend or work goes so much better - more like how I think a date should go. But when it's a blind date there's no reference point. They could be literally anyone. So my approach is wildly different and for most (but not all) it's a turn off.
I don't think it's a time issue, it just is what it is. If you look at surveys, despite the universal negative sentiment a strong majority (like >70%) of young people in a relationship found them...
I don't think it's a time issue, it just is what it is. If you look at surveys, despite the universal negative sentiment a strong majority (like >70%) of young people in a relationship found them from online dating. Just got to keep going. Not that it isn't worthwhile to try other avenues, but this is the still the main one for people now.
Yeah, I'm not super pressed about getting into a relationship anyways, so it's not a huge deal to me. Most of the time it just kinda feels like a waste of time at best, I hope it doesn't wear away...
Yeah, I'm not super pressed about getting into a relationship anyways, so it's not a huge deal to me. Most of the time it just kinda feels like a waste of time at best, I hope it doesn't wear away at my humanity or self esteem lol.
I met my wife 8 years ago in college on Tinder. Still thankful that we matched and it worked out all these years later since we were both in self destructive phases (myself more than her) at that...
I met my wife 8 years ago in college on Tinder. Still thankful that we matched and it worked out all these years later since we were both in self destructive phases (myself more than her) at that time and worked together to get out of them.
Her and I are very different people with drastically different views on some things. We've learned to value our differences even when they can cause friction and setup healthy boundaries for ourselves. Differences in culture, upbringing, language, politics, leisure activities, music, you name it. Our core values of faith, family (which made me happy since I strongly value the idea of family even though my own immediate family is awful), and service to others have served as touchstones for when times have been hard.
I wish anyone luck who is still looking for someone as I've had a lot of friends complain about finding someone to date. I think part of the nature of it being so easy to find another match or the sense of there being someone else available a swipe away makes it easier for people to bail when they encounter someone's flaws. When I've been asked how we've made it work I told my friends that love is hard work and that you choose to love someone and not fall in love, meaning that you can put in time and effort to care and sacrifice for them to build up your marriage because that initial giddy feeling is going to fade and you'll likely not have butterflies in your stomach looking at your spouse being violently ill while you're rocking a baby at 4 in the morning and also feel like vomiting.
I saw some great comments about probing a person for their values and I think that is great to do but I also think seeing if you're generally compatible is more important in the first couple of dates. My wife and I didn't mention politics until we'd been dating for months and after some disagreements we just stopped and essentially said "this is an issue we can let divide us and bicker about it or just accept that we have different views on some issues and not spend our time trying to make each other see a particular way".
Good luck on the apps, sushi is a great first date!
Been on dating apps for 6 years now (I'm poly). Met plenty of great people, still do regularly. The amount of work it is to find good people hasn't really changed. I don't think they've gotten...
Been on dating apps for 6 years now (I'm poly). Met plenty of great people, still do regularly. The amount of work it is to find good people hasn't really changed. I don't think they've gotten significantly worse over this time frame, but they have gotten a lot more expensive if you want to pay to make things easier.
Feeld is actually one of the apps with the least amount of algorithm in who it shows you. It's just a subset of individuals sorted purely by distance. They made a recent change where they show...
I don't buy that feeld showed me two matches that were exactly my type the week of valentines day just by pure chance.
Feeld is actually one of the apps with the least amount of algorithm in who it shows you. It's just a subset of individuals sorted purely by distance. They made a recent change where they show people who are exploring your area first (going to travel) which I think isn't a great choice, but having someone like you doesn't move them appreciably up in your feed because your list is presented by distance ascending.
Because if they match people well then they loose two paying customers. A subscription based service relies on people keeping their subscriptions going for long periods. But a successful match...
Because if they match people well then they loose two paying customers. A subscription based service relies on people keeping their subscriptions going for long periods. But a successful match maker gets you matched quickly with a compatible SO. It's in the best interest of the app to only be kind of successful.
After deleting Tinder and Hinge from my phone, I have honestly been tempted to try speed dating. I don't personally know anyone that's built a lasting relationship from the dating apps, and all of...
After deleting Tinder and Hinge from my phone, I have honestly been tempted to try speed dating. I don't personally know anyone that's built a lasting relationship from the dating apps, and all of my family and friends met their long term significant others in the real world (and all have distressingly cute stories of how they met, omg). There are a few queer-focused speed dating events in my city that I've been tempted to try, but it's very much a case of not wanting to go on my own (and the ever-present impostor syndrome). For the time being I've just been trying to cultivate my hobbies more towards socialising with new people than the same groups all the time.
I've met my significant other on a dating app (bumble). We've been together for 7 months, love each other dearly, and will most likely get married soon. It can happen, but man I went on a lot of...
I've met my significant other on a dating app (bumble). We've been together for 7 months, love each other dearly, and will most likely get married soon.
It can happen, but man I went on a lot of dates and almost fooled myself into settling for a lot of people who I merely sorta was okay with rather than truly fell in love with.
I met my BF of 4 years on Bumble and we own a house and two dogs together and are definitely getting married. Most of my friends met their SO in real life, so it's definitely possible to find a...
I met my BF of 4 years on Bumble and we own a house and two dogs together and are definitely getting married. Most of my friends met their SO in real life, so it's definitely possible to find a long term partner on an app, just rare, in my experience. For us, we're both neurodivergent, so knowing we were interested romantically because we met on Bumble saved a lot of awkwardness and questions. Everyone is different!
I have a feeling most dating apps would prefer their users continue to stay on the app and pay for their features instead of find a match and leave. When profit and purpose are at odds it can't be...
I have a feeling most dating apps would prefer their users continue to stay on the app and pay for their features instead of find a match and leave. When profit and purpose are at odds it can't be that surprising when it often fails to accomplish its purpose
It's kind of a filtering process, by design they will get worse over time. In the beginning you start with a large pool of people in which there are reasonable, relationship-material types,...
It's kind of a filtering process, by design they will get worse over time. In the beginning you start with a large pool of people in which there are reasonable, relationship-material types, unhinged lunatics, and everything in between. As time goes on the reasonable people pair up with each other and leave the app. Eventually the population skews further and further towards the people that are terrible to date - that's why they're still using the app. Then even when a new reasonable person joins, they are hit by wave after wave of crazies. By this late in the game I can't imagine the spread looks appetizing at all.
Well the part about this that doesn't make sense is that the same should be true for multiplayer games with skill based matchmaking systems, games like DOTA 2 or League of Legends. But it isn't,...
Well the part about this that doesn't make sense is that the same should be true for multiplayer games with skill based matchmaking systems, games like DOTA 2 or League of Legends. But it isn't, those games have problems but the matchmaking system does seem to work well enough to match similar skill level people, and keep the griefers out.
I think it's because dating apps don't have a "shitter" queue. In League or DOTA if you're too much of an asshole you'll eventually get put into a low priority queue that matches you with other assholes. On dating apps it doesn't matter how much of a shithead you are, the apps want your money so they'll only ban you if you do things that are obviously awful (slur use, sexual assault, etc) but using the app in a way that makes the experience shit for other people but in a less obvious way (exclusively 'windowshopping' to use it for validation, ghosting after making a seemingly 'real' connection, pretending to be someone you're not in other ways) is not bannable.
If they'd just show these people to each other it would be fine.
I think a difference is that League and other games have much better stats about the person. They know their skill, how often they disconnect, and I’m sure get many more reports about user abuse...
I think a difference is that League and other games have much better stats about the person. They know their skill, how often they disconnect, and I’m sure get many more reports about user abuse since it’s so easy to do (and there is an in game textual record to verify reports).
It was always that way. Maybe there was a brief period of time when all the normies started using the dating apps all at the same time so you didn't notice as many crazies, but before then, most...
It was always that way. Maybe there was a brief period of time when all the normies started using the dating apps all at the same time so you didn't notice as many crazies, but before then, most of those willing to date you via online web dating portals were really weird.
Yeah it’s funny. I feel like things got a lot worse in the last couple of years. I’m super sick of the formula and how the apps manipulate you.
Unfortunately they're all owned by Match Group, so they all have the same awful monetization practices...
Huh maybe I should go try one of these events lol. I feel like dating apps are just annoying in general, especially in the suburbs. I feel like I'm just developing commitment issues because what's the point in investing into anyone you meet on the apps. I think I've been on 10ish dates in the last couple of months and I feel like I go to the same places every time too, since there's not much to do in the burbs.
Yeah that's the problem with these apps. Lotta first dates, some second dates, the occasional six month "situationship" but never anything lasting. I think that's by design.
These apps clearly know my type - call it conspiratorial thinking, call it feminine intuition, but I don't buy that feeld showed me two matches that were exactly my type the week of valentines day just by pure chance.
They know who I'm into and who's into me. Why aren't they actually matching us, like okcupid used to? I don't see another reason other than money.
It's frustrating to me because I know off the top of my head 2 different couples that have been dating for 2+ years off of the apps too, one of them are getting married soon too. So it's just like dang maybe I just got in on the wrong time lol.
I am about to reach the 4-year mark with my girlfriend that I matched with on Tinder. The dynamic may just be different for certain areas.
We met in person in college, but nothing came of it. Tinder was a way to declare our interest in each other after we were already acquaintances. In college areas, Tinder can act more like a dating social network to connect with people you have probably already encountered in passing. Out in the real world, I imagine it would be a much worse experience.
Congratulations!!
Yeah I do think that there was a time where dating apps actually worked properly, and I think I've just not been too committed to actually meeting people properly tbh. There's definitely some fault in the way I approach these dates, but also I'm not exactly super into any of the people I meet.
I think it's pretty rare that you meet someone who immediately checks off every box for you. Dating apps can also make you feel like a better match is a swipe away, so people are less likely to stick around if anything is less than perfect.
One thing that helped me to not get burnt out when using dating apps was to ask a lot of questions and focus on enjoying learning about people. I got to try a lot of new things because I focused on learning about their interests and trying new activities even if it wasn't what I was previously into. This turned every date into something of value even if it didn't end in a relationship.
I don't know how you have currently been approaching dating, but focus on where they took their photos instead of only how they look in them and honestly don't bother with people with uninformative bios. Interesting photo locations and bios that convey a bit of personality will reveal people that actually have interests.
Don't forget to make sure your photos and bio shows that you are a person that is passionate about something. Attractive photos in mundane places and a joke in your bio won't attract other interesting people as often.
Dating takes a lot of time, so you just have to find a way to make it sustainable for you.
I’ve never used dating apps so I can’t comment in that regard, but in general I like this advice.
It reminds me of something I’ve heard before (I think it was a student getting advice from their art teacher) which goes along the lines of “you can’t make everyone like [the artwork], but if you focus on what some people hate about it, you’ll win favour from the people that love it by leaning into it.”
If your dating profile is designed to make sure nobody potentially hates it, that will also make sure nobody really loves it. Instead, lean into the differences that make you unique. Bonus points, if you make some people hate it for being distinct, then you’ve got an excellent self-filtering system!
I think I'm weird in that the people I've attracted in person and who I am attracted to are people who find intellectual and political beliefs to be a primary source of compatibility. Really this is just another way of saying I think values are important. But what's crazy to me is when I start talking about values and value-adjacent things on first dates most people are turned off by that. It's what I'm dying to hear from my date. I don't care nearly as much to talk about what movies people watch or music they listen to. I want to know how they volunteer their time to help others, what changes they want to see and make in the world, who they respect most and why they're excited to be alive.
Edit:
I'm reminded of the one date I went on with this very type A Stanford PhD girl. I picked her up and she seemed very happy to see me. We head downtown to get an afternoon beer. She mentions offhand as we're getting out of my car that she worked with a professor in Stanford's (surprisingly) conservative think-tank.
Later on it became clear we weren't compatible. She worked 50+ hours per week and used her free time to trail run 50 miles every weekend. So I pressed her again on what she said earlier. I really wanted to know the secret! She absolutely refused to explain what she meant.
My goodness, that would have been a dealbreaker even for a friendship. I can’t imagine what it would mean if they refuse to qualify a basic statement they made.
Yeah there are a lot of weird people out there. I certainly have my faults - taking up a lot of the time talking and not enough time listening. Granted, some people are okay with that. I think all of my friends are either happy to exert pressure to get in time to say what they'd like to say or enjoy having someone around who is doing most of the talking.
Since she responded negatively to talking about politics, it's probably that what she learned in this instance was something negative about conservatism, or that it entrenched a negative opinion about conservatism. I don't think it inherently weird to not talk about politics on a first date, although in this instance she brought it up first.
I general I think many people would find jumping straight to intellectual and political beliefs a bit too forward or aggressive for a first date. Usually those are more small talk to probe about each other's interests. At some point you'd have to address it, but y'know, baby steps.
Yeah I'm not actually likely to start that kind of conversation on the first couple of dates. But I do try to ask some big-picture questions, or for their interpretation on something. Most of the time it's like pulling teeth. There was a girl who I brought to a modern art museum on a second date. It's a great opportunity to get someone's thoughts on a wide variety of things. We went through much of the museum and every time I asked she just re-iterated that she didn't know anything about art and couldn't comment on anything. So I shared my interpretations of various pieces to help show her how I was approaching things. That didn't help.
We talked about other various things of course. But never found a topic that indicated there was any good commonality.
I think for me a major issue is that online dating always starts as blind dates. Any date I've gone on with someone I've known through a friend or work goes so much better - more like how I think a date should go. But when it's a blind date there's no reference point. They could be literally anyone. So my approach is wildly different and for most (but not all) it's a turn off.
I don't think it's a time issue, it just is what it is. If you look at surveys, despite the universal negative sentiment a strong majority (like >70%) of young people in a relationship found them from online dating. Just got to keep going. Not that it isn't worthwhile to try other avenues, but this is the still the main one for people now.
Yeah, I'm not super pressed about getting into a relationship anyways, so it's not a huge deal to me. Most of the time it just kinda feels like a waste of time at best, I hope it doesn't wear away at my humanity or self esteem lol.
I met my wife 8 years ago in college on Tinder. Still thankful that we matched and it worked out all these years later since we were both in self destructive phases (myself more than her) at that time and worked together to get out of them.
Her and I are very different people with drastically different views on some things. We've learned to value our differences even when they can cause friction and setup healthy boundaries for ourselves. Differences in culture, upbringing, language, politics, leisure activities, music, you name it. Our core values of faith, family (which made me happy since I strongly value the idea of family even though my own immediate family is awful), and service to others have served as touchstones for when times have been hard.
I wish anyone luck who is still looking for someone as I've had a lot of friends complain about finding someone to date. I think part of the nature of it being so easy to find another match or the sense of there being someone else available a swipe away makes it easier for people to bail when they encounter someone's flaws. When I've been asked how we've made it work I told my friends that love is hard work and that you choose to love someone and not fall in love, meaning that you can put in time and effort to care and sacrifice for them to build up your marriage because that initial giddy feeling is going to fade and you'll likely not have butterflies in your stomach looking at your spouse being violently ill while you're rocking a baby at 4 in the morning and also feel like vomiting.
I saw some great comments about probing a person for their values and I think that is great to do but I also think seeing if you're generally compatible is more important in the first couple of dates. My wife and I didn't mention politics until we'd been dating for months and after some disagreements we just stopped and essentially said "this is an issue we can let divide us and bicker about it or just accept that we have different views on some issues and not spend our time trying to make each other see a particular way".
Good luck on the apps, sushi is a great first date!
haha i dunno, sushi as a first date is usually what I do but it's definitely getting a bit expensive to have sushi once a week....
Been on dating apps for 6 years now (I'm poly). Met plenty of great people, still do regularly. The amount of work it is to find good people hasn't really changed. I don't think they've gotten significantly worse over this time frame, but they have gotten a lot more expensive if you want to pay to make things easier.
Feeld is actually one of the apps with the least amount of algorithm in who it shows you. It's just a subset of individuals sorted purely by distance. They made a recent change where they show people who are exploring your area first (going to travel) which I think isn't a great choice, but having someone like you doesn't move them appreciably up in your feed because your list is presented by distance ascending.
Because if they match people well then they loose two paying customers. A subscription based service relies on people keeping their subscriptions going for long periods. But a successful match maker gets you matched quickly with a compatible SO. It's in the best interest of the app to only be kind of successful.
After deleting Tinder and Hinge from my phone, I have honestly been tempted to try speed dating. I don't personally know anyone that's built a lasting relationship from the dating apps, and all of my family and friends met their long term significant others in the real world (and all have distressingly cute stories of how they met, omg). There are a few queer-focused speed dating events in my city that I've been tempted to try, but it's very much a case of not wanting to go on my own (and the ever-present impostor syndrome). For the time being I've just been trying to cultivate my hobbies more towards socialising with new people than the same groups all the time.
I've met my significant other on a dating app (bumble). We've been together for 7 months, love each other dearly, and will most likely get married soon.
It can happen, but man I went on a lot of dates and almost fooled myself into settling for a lot of people who I merely sorta was okay with rather than truly fell in love with.
I didn't mean to imply that app-based dating is worthless, though I think that's how it came across! Congrats to you both :)
I met my BF of 4 years on Bumble and we own a house and two dogs together and are definitely getting married. Most of my friends met their SO in real life, so it's definitely possible to find a long term partner on an app, just rare, in my experience. For us, we're both neurodivergent, so knowing we were interested romantically because we met on Bumble saved a lot of awkwardness and questions. Everyone is different!
I have a feeling most dating apps would prefer their users continue to stay on the app and pay for their features instead of find a match and leave. When profit and purpose are at odds it can't be that surprising when it often fails to accomplish its purpose
It's kind of a filtering process, by design they will get worse over time. In the beginning you start with a large pool of people in which there are reasonable, relationship-material types, unhinged lunatics, and everything in between. As time goes on the reasonable people pair up with each other and leave the app. Eventually the population skews further and further towards the people that are terrible to date - that's why they're still using the app. Then even when a new reasonable person joins, they are hit by wave after wave of crazies. By this late in the game I can't imagine the spread looks appetizing at all.
Well the part about this that doesn't make sense is that the same should be true for multiplayer games with skill based matchmaking systems, games like DOTA 2 or League of Legends. But it isn't, those games have problems but the matchmaking system does seem to work well enough to match similar skill level people, and keep the griefers out.
I think it's because dating apps don't have a "shitter" queue. In League or DOTA if you're too much of an asshole you'll eventually get put into a low priority queue that matches you with other assholes. On dating apps it doesn't matter how much of a shithead you are, the apps want your money so they'll only ban you if you do things that are obviously awful (slur use, sexual assault, etc) but using the app in a way that makes the experience shit for other people but in a less obvious way (exclusively 'windowshopping' to use it for validation, ghosting after making a seemingly 'real' connection, pretending to be someone you're not in other ways) is not bannable.
If they'd just show these people to each other it would be fine.
I think a difference is that League and other games have much better stats about the person. They know their skill, how often they disconnect, and I’m sure get many more reports about user abuse since it’s so easy to do (and there is an in game textual record to verify reports).
That’s all missing from in person dates.
It was always that way. Maybe there was a brief period of time when all the normies started using the dating apps all at the same time so you didn't notice as many crazies, but before then, most of those willing to date you via online web dating portals were really weird.
True, I didn't even mention the pre-dating-app filtering of people who date the traditional way, offline.