Any advice for dealing with grief from a traumatic incident
Trigger Warnings: parent death, pet death, drowning
Recently my mom passed away in a river accident.
She had brought her service dog (a German Shepherd) with her on a rafting trip with friends. From witness testimony, her raft got caught in some trees and as she was trying to detangle herself, her dog got spooked, and jumped into the river. My mom was tied to the dog, and they ended up drowning. They found both their bodies hours later.
I’m still reeling, and I’m in shock. It’s almost early morning and I still can’t get to sleep. I live in a different country and I need to head back to deal with her affairs. She was a single mother, so it’s up to me to figure things out. I have a lot of support, but it still feels so overwhelming.
I specifically would like any advice on how to deal with the “accident” part of her death. It would be one thing if she had died peacefully in her home. But the reason I can’t sleep is because my brain won’t stop trying to imagine what it must have been like in her final moments. The fear, the struggle, her body washing ashore and just sitting somewhere for hours until they could find her. How she must look like now. I will request they cremate her, the police pretty much recommended I don’t do a final look because of how she died. But the morbid curiosity is just there. I don’t know how to shut it off. I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to ruminate over it, but it’s almost like I’m getting the PTSD on her behalf.
I’m also so angry. Angry at her for thinking it would be safe to bring her dog on a raft. Angry at her for tying herself to said dog. But I realize this is more like “denial/bargaining”. My brain keeps making these angry scenarios where I’m yelling at her not to be so stupid. What would possess her to do something like this? But of course that’s just another part of grief.
I’m rambling, it’s late. (Or rather early?) I’m just really sad and tired. Any words would be appreciated.
Wow, that's a lot to unpack.
I'll get the morbid part out of the way first. There are very few pleasant ways to die. Other than dying in your sleep, we usually go out scared and in pain/discomfort. Drowning is actually considered to be one of the better ways to go. People with near death drowning experiences report euphoria at the end.
She also didn't die alone. She died with (presumably) one of her best friends. Let it comfort you that they crossed over together. She has her dog with her, wherever she is.
You may find comfort in religion, in the idea that she is resting, or in the idea that she lived a good and fulfilling life. Hopefully you find comfort in knowing she loved you, and hopefully you know she would want you to be happy and okay. Most parents just hope their children outlive them, and that they're happy.
I'm so sorry my friend. I definitely suggest grief counseling and perhaps even medication to get you through these initial stages. Plan a service that will help you get closure. Many people report that they feel much better when there is a nice service - something the deceased would have enjoyed and appreciated.
Talk to your support system when you need them, send them away when you need to be alone. Spoil yourself. Be kind to yourself. Make your life easy for a few weeks at least. Order takeout, watch your favorite movie, take the day off when you need it, and ask for help.
I'm so sorry this happened. Do you have children of your own? What would you want them to do for you in this situation? I can tell you I would want my son to not worry about my final moments too much. A few short seconds compared to my whole life is just a blip. I would want him to think fondly of me and go out there to experience the happy accident that is existence while he has the chance. Life is just a short, strange dream and we are really fortunate to experience it at all. None of us make it out alive in the end.
Thank you for your response!
Thank you for telling me that about drowning. To be honest my worst fear for a while was that someone would find her in her house who knows how many days later. Her mental / physical health really worsened after COVID. I don’t want to go to much into detail, but in a way I’m glad she was with her dog and with her friends. And yes! She absolutely LOVED that dog! They went everywhere together. And I mean literally everywhere. I think she tied herself to her because she wouldn’t ever be able to bear her dog dying without her. I only got to meet the dog once but she was truly one of the sweetest dogs I’ve ever met.
Edit: (Hit enter too fast.)
I don’t have any children of my own, but I know she would have said the same thing though about not worrying so much about the end. She also said just stick her in the ground the cheapest way possible because once she’s gone she’s not going to care. I’m still deciding on whether to do a service, but I’ll try to at least get her dog buried with her. I know she would have liked that.
Only advice I can give is do not do a final look, you can actually trust the police on that one. The few times I have experienced this I regretted it. It's much better if your last memory is from when they were alive (IMO).
Make sure you have someone with you when you go to her home. Preferably someone who doesn't talk too much, but can just be comforting by being nearby, even if it's the next room. If it's just you handling everything, you will need a decent amount of time to go through things, at least a week, probably 2-3.
You may need a probate/estate lawyer.
Stuff is gonna suck for a while. It does't really go away, you just get used to having this shitty hole of sadness in the back of your mind. You will forget, and want to tell them something, and then realize "oh, yeah, can't do that". It really sucks. Random stuff will randomly make you cry, most recently for me was that Swedish Woodworker tribute to his father that was posted here on Tildes.
When you are ready, hang out with your better friends. The ones that you truly trust, and are always up for something, even if it's just a walk down the road to buy a pack of gum.
You are allowed to be sad, scared, and lonely. Just remember your mom wouldn't want you to be like that for long.
Thank you. I feel like all these replies are helping me so much more than the bird sounds I’m trying to play to get myself to sleep.
Right, based on the checklist it said a lot of stuff is going to need a death certificate and that takes at least about two weeks. Thankfully I have a remote job and I’m going to ask them if I can work from the other country for a bit after my bereavement leave. We have people over there, (granted in that country’s division,) so hopefully it won’t be too big an ask.
Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it.
Not disagreeing with the heartfelt advice of the person you responded to, but I want to say that it situations where I wasn't able to do a final look, that has continued to bother me more than when I could, even when the situation was very ugly.
There is no wrong answer here; everyone is different. My real advice is that whatever you decide, commit to it as your decision, so that no matter what, when you think back to this time, you know you made the best choice you could at the time, even if it turns out you wished you made the other one. It is important to give yourself grace in situations like this.
"Best choice you could make at the time even if you wish you'd made a different one in hindsight"
This is fantastic advice.
Fair point. Definitely not going to argue, I think you are right that it is a personal decision. I will only point out that I included IMO at the end, so obviously it might not be the right decision for someone else.
To give your point further credit, my brother IDed our father, and he was ok with it. I would not have been...I get sad seeing old Bladerunner 2049 Harrison Ford (instead of Indiana Jones Harrison Ford, which I watched frequently with my dad) 😅, so you can probably imagine seeing my dad would not have been pleasant for me.
No worries. Most people will be very understanding. I will give you two more short anecdotes about my own experience with people's reactions.
Negative. I am not religious, and the "he's in a better place" thing kinda bothered me. People were being kind, but different beliefs made some interactions weird. This may not apply to you but probably someone will say something that makes you feel awkward, just try to roll with it.
Positive. One of the best responses was when I asked for time off from work. My boss's response was a very simple, "Do what you need to do". It meant a lot to me, and the simplicity of it really showed he understood.
Apologies if I am commenting too much, it was just this year that my dad died, so my feelings are still pretty fresh.
Definitely, not commenting too much. I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post and offer your insights.
I'm also not a religious person, and I'm sure I'm going to get the same sentiments. I'm just going to let people say what they want because I really don't care but if it helps them grieve, then so be it.
Thankfully my work is being very understanding, and I'm also getting that sentiment.
Hey, I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you're going through.
All these feelings are the sort you'd expect to have after this sort of traumatic accident. Your brain racing through scenarios and fixating on this major awful loss is something brains are really "good" at doing.
Let yourself feel all of this. You can know you're in a particular stage of grief but that doesn't mean you try to get out of it. They're not linear and you won't hit "acceptance" and be at peace, you'll bounce around them and that's ok.
Cry, be angry and yell (in a safe space to do so, not at others if you can help it, and please find someone to talk to so you won't feel judged for your anger, or grief, or any of it. Family can be very supportive, but when they're also going through the same loss it can be hard to feel heard about the difficult feelings, even if they're great at being a circle of support and that isn't always guaranteed.
My best advice is to feel the feelings. They don't lessen from repression. And it's ok to distract yourself with practicalities. But give yourself time and space to heal, let people help you if they offer, but don't feel obligated to be "on' socially.
Edit: a typo
Thank you so much for responding. I really, truly appreciate it.
Yes, I figured that I really should let my brain just do what it needs to do to process this. I think my grief is leaning too much into practicality. I keep thinking of the checklist I have to do. Telling my work, arranging a flight, informing family and friends, and once I get back, having to go through bank info, tax info, cancelling things in her name. It’s like I want everything neat and tidy before I will really let myself “go” and grieve. I am crying in between for sure, but it feels like I’m holding back too. I know there’s no right way to grieve, and I know I’m probably trying to avoid the pain by distracting myself with this stuff. It just really sucks. I feel like no matter what I do, I feel like I’d either be running away from the situation or running away from my pain.
I think it quite reasonable to keep your mind on that check list right now. You really do have to do all this stuff. It's ok to postpone some feelings a bit.
Distracting yourself is ok! It's also sort of necessary to handle the practical realities. So being focused on the "practical needs" is fine as long as you also let yourself focus on the "emotional needs".
And lean on whatever people you have to help. It's ok to take up space.
As others have said, feelings will wash over you. Don't fight them; feel whatever you need to feel, and that's ok. Let the waves wash, breathe in between.
I have lost both of my parents. One to a long, slow, awful decline. One to a sudden, unexpected and awful event.
Both were awful. When I think of the long decline, I think at least they had a chance to get things in order. When I think of the sudden event, I think at least they didn't have the Inevitable hanging over their head for years, sapping joy from their life moment by moment. It might sound like dark humor, and it kind of is, but I also sincerely mean it when I say it. I hope, in time, this thought, or something like it, gives you peace.
For now, you survive. This random internet stranger is wishing you and your family the best of luck in navigating this. Hugs.
Some years ago my uncle died from an accident with a horse. I understand your feelings of rage/bargaining. The fact that you know it's a common feeling doesn't take away the fact that you are indeed feeling it and I don't think you should fight that. You have some long and hard days ahead of you, and in the middle term you will be grieving.
I'm glad you have a lot of support, don't hesitate to use it, to ask for help. If it's possible for someone to travel with you, that would be best. After dealing with the paperwork consider therapy if you don't already do it.
I'm so sorry this happened, it sucks so much. Good luck with everything.
Thank you for responding, it really helps to hear just someone saying that this sucks. It really sucks! I’m sorry for your loss, as well.
Yeah, I’ve gotten people asking me what they can do to help. I really just don’t know. But I’m sure once I get back I’ll have more concrete information on the situation.
Unfortunately my partner will be staying here to take care of our own dog. I know he really wants to go with me, but this is probably the best way to support me right now. Knowing all my stuff here is taken care of will be a little peace of mind.
I’ve done therapy before, so I’ll probably look into it again. Especially ones specializing in grief.
I remember a time when a friend of mine was staying home working when his wife was away going through some similarly big things with her family. I remember thinking, "what a jerk, why isn't he with her?" Then it happened to us, and I learned the value of having someone at home keeping things running, keeping the lights on, and providing connection to "normal" life.
All of which is to say, support can mean a lot of different things, and I'm glad your partner is supportive.
Thank you. I understand why your partner is staying. Do you have other people to help you once you get there?
Yes, I have friends and friends of the family. Thankfully they’re already starting to help with whatever they can, but it’s still a lot.
I'm glad that you don't have to do everything alone. It is definitely a lot. Let me know if I can help in any way.
I just want to say that I am sorry you are having to go through all of this. Also wanted to second the general sentiment of /u/DefinitelyNotAFae in their comment. It is okay to feel those feelings and to have those uncomfortable racing thoughts.
When I have dealt with traumatic and sudden deaths of people close to me, I was also overwhelmed with those thoughts. Specifically the obsessive worry over the fear they must have felt in their last moments. It still gets to me when I let it. But it gets to you a lot less the more time goes by. Dealing with death is just objectively hard. Know that you couldn't possibly have had control and knowledge to make it any different and that living well is what all these folks would want you to do; not to shut-in or shut down. It's going to take time, and that's okay.
Talk to people who listen. Listen to people who care. Give yourself a lot of time and room to process. I wish you all the best, genuinely.
I went through something traumatic this spring (witness to something gruesome). Please go see a therapist that specializes in acute shock and PTSD. The current thinking ( based on years on Afghan/Iraq war research) is that you can avoid chronic PTSD if you treat the acute shock symptoms in the first 6 weeks following the incident.
Get a professional to evaluate you. It is worth it. Do it as soon as you can.
I don't have much to say. I'm really sorry.
My brother passed away a year and half ago from some sudden infection he got in a surgery and some days I still get angry with him for dying and speak to him as if it was his fault he died and made our mother's life full of misery and grief. It's hard.
I hope you get through this.
Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry for your loss and I can understand those feelings of anger.
Having a similar sort of unexpected loss/trauma myself, here's what helped me:
You got this.
This is REAL.
Hi, my advice, is to read lots and lots of fiction, either (a) escapist cozy fiction or (b) fiction about people also having tragedy happen, and getting through it. Either similar situation or totally different situation. Whatever feels helpful to you, and it might change over time!
For escapist cozy fiction I would recommend Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree, and The Bookshop and the Barbarian by Morgan Stang (don't confuse with Bookshops and Bonedust, the prequel to Legends and Lattes).
For general dealing with traumatic events (in this case spousal abuse), my go-to rec is Sweetness and Blessings, which is book 1 in a trilogy by Charlotte Kersten. She's a professional therapist and these books are legit like having a therapist walk you through a self-help journey.
Maybe Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow if you want a book that has a tragic loss in it, and the characters grieving and moving on
Best wishes <3
Hey there,
How are you doing? Did you decide on a memorial format, and sorted some paperwork out? Work giving you the support and accomodation you need?
And how are you feeling, aside from all the busy doing? Are you remembering to eat and drink regularly, are you able to talk to your partner about whatever's on your mind, and is sleep going okay?
Just checking in and leaving a msg for whenever. :') take care
Aww, thank you so much. I'm really happy you checked in!
I'm back in my home country and it's been extremely busy. There's so much to do. Thankfully my godmother has been helping me out a lot.
We're picking up the ashes today in fact and we've secured a date for the funeral. I didn't realize how long these processes take. I'm so lucky I can work remotely because I'll definitely have to be here for a few more weeks.
I haven't had too much time to myself to cry. I don't like doing it in front of people and my mom's friends / my friends have been over to help clean / organize / go through her things pretty much every day since I flew in. Which is good, but I'm sure I need to be letting out my emotions more. Recently I've felt myself be more annoyed/snappy but I'm trying to keep calm but also not blame myself for being a little ill tempered. I really just want to clear everything up so I can head back as soon as possible. But these things take so long, and I know my friends are trying to cheer me up but sometimes I just want to focus on getting a task done. Cleaning done. Things organized. Work, work, work. I hate that I live so far away, but my life isn't here anymore.
Appetite is really down, which figures, but I'm exercising every day which is helping build it back up. Sleep is still rocky.
My partner has been amazing! Especially the first couple nights I had to call him because I just couldn't sleep. No complaints on that front except I miss him and I wish I could be back home already.
I really appreciate the check up. The one silver lining is how many people have come out of the woodwork to support me and my family. Friends, family, acquaintances, old coworkers, even strangers. I can't imagine the people who have to do this alone. I feel like I have all the support in the world but it's still so hard and so overwhelming.
Thanks again.
I'm really glad to hear it! Life events like birth and death will happen to every single person, and it's a time when we can feel more connected, or can feel a gap between how we'd like to be connected vs what's really happening. That's really positive your partner's being a rock, your work being great and your godmother being there :)
Some people don't ugly cry, some do, some do so well after the memorial, some in private, some with others. It's all, all of it, all okay. Going through belongings can be harder for some than other tasks. It's a really weird feeling to pack up someone else's entire life and deciding which pieces to keep and even might be hard throwing out obvious junk. Or it could feel annoying after the 15th bag.
:) hope your sleep and eating gets better every day. Ping back if you want to talk about the memorial or anything else through this.
My aunt had some advice for me which didn't work but my situation was different. It's more for stuff like yours:
There's a positive correlation between tapping and anxiety relief related to trauma. If it kicks in, just tap your finger: to your thumb, your thigh, whatever. Try not to think about it as well, but don't try too hard, the goal is to disassociate from the thought not fixate on not thinking it when it comes. She did this after my grandpa died and had a hard time driving (he was washed off a road in a flood) and found she was increasingly able to drive without losing it for longer and longer thanks to this, after a month of terror behind the wheel.
OP, you are likely to be experiencing actual PTSD. The sudden and unpredictable nature lends itself to trauma. Speaking from experience.
Dwelling on your imaginings of the event is normal. It can feel like a sort of flashback. It can be... well, the range of emotions that result can be terrible.
I hope that you can find a good therapist to support you in healing.
With love and compassion.
For some clarification, it's not likely PTSD because it's not "post" trauma. This is the trauma. And the symptoms they're describing are absolutely valid as part of dealing with this trauma. Everything else you're spot on about, just the technical bit.
Not a doctor so can't say with certainty. Just someone who has PTSD.
No, I understand, and this could absolutely develop there, the diagnosis requires a longer period of time experiencing the effects is all.
But the response is absolutely a trauma response!
Makes sense.
Also, these kinds of exchanges here: this is why I stay on Tildes. Most of us try to behave like rational adults. Thank you.
Absolutely! I didn't want to come across as invalidating your broader post, which was all really good advice