Autistic adults: how do you stim/self-soothe in public?
I just got home after a long, extraordinarily stressful, and sensory overload inducing appointment at a government office that I had to do to get some paperwork dealt with. Partway through it, I realized that some sort of stim/fidget toy would probably help stave off some of the worst of it, if I had something small I could keep in my purse. (Ideally something that wouldn't be too awkward to use in public... though I'm not concerned about looking a little awkward, that ship sailed long ago, haha.) Wondering if anyone here has some good recommendations on stim toys suitable for adults that I could bring with me next time, and/or any suggestions for unobtrusive ways to stim that I could do just on my own without needing anything special. I only found out I was autistic relatively recently (in my 30s), so most of this is still very new to me - any guidance is very appreciated!
When my wife is particularly stressed in public and needs to stim, she will tap her fingers to her thumbs is a purposeful way like she is counting on her fingers. This seems to strike a balance between helping her stay calm and a somewhat socially acceptable repetitive action.
I do the finger tapping too! I'll also use objects I already have with me, for instance I'll start turning my ring around my fingers. I like having my keys in my pocket, because then I can hold the keys in my fist and use my thumb to push the keyring around and around. Or I'll play with some small coins or a stone.
Any stim toy that doesn't make a lot of sound and can be used in a pocket is great for me, because that let's you stim without it being obvious.
Okay so I need to come back a second time and thank you again for this suggestion... was at a concert last night where about halfway through the lighting became mega sensory overload inducing, and I'm pretty sure that doing this is the only thing that kept me from having to leave the concert early. Many thanks, it really did help!
That is so good to hear. I will let her know that this helped you. That will make her happy. :)
Ooh, this is a good simple one to keep in my back pocket, as a catch-all if nothing else is (heh) on hand -- thanks for the suggestion!
Hi! I am not diagnosed autistic but I tick a lot of the diagnosis points and have many overlapping comorbidities. Take that as you will.
That said, I was a crafter for a long time. Carpal tunnel is my enemy. But, I always found it useful to knit in public, something small like a dishcloth. It's pretty socially acceptable to do in many places in the States, at least. I can't speak for elsewhere.
If you don't know how or don't have inclination to learn, I like handwriting poetry or notes, depending on where I am and what's going on.
A physical object like a worry stone is pretty unobtrusive.
Does the knitting drive to interesting conversations?
In my case it does. I can often share previous things I've made, and it can segue into discussion about tangential topics.
Occasionally I get people asking why I'm doing a "women's hobby" but I don't really mind it, I use it as a learning opportunity for them.
It can. It's a little more common to knit in public these days, I think, than when I learned to in the 90s. Still, people get curious. Kids especially.
I do cross stitch, but never thought to bring those supplies with me in public! Might be nice in situations where there's a lot of waiting around, even if less so in the kind of thing I had to deal with today (lots of lengthy face to face conversations where I couldn't afford to get distracted.)
Crochet, or knitting, cus you can use smaller needles for knitting (shorter) or a small hook for crocheting. Like crocheting granny squares are super easy to learn and you can do those quickly, and they don't take much room, wool, hook, and square at the end. Then you can use them towards a blanket at some point.
Yeah, I wondered about that. Same here. The fidget cube mentioned above sounds like a great idea too!
I use this: Fidget Cube https://amzn.eu/d/0LdalQm
It’s small, has some quiet things to use as well as some satisfying clickys. Works wonders when I’m on teams calls or out in super busy places.
Hope you find something that works for you :)
I'm ADHD and have a similar cube for faffing with when I'm on calls.
It's taken a while, but there's now a population on my companies board who mention if I don't have it, rather than when I do.
Nice to see things like this as a first step to acknowledging neurodiversity.
Oh this looks fantastic, thank you so much for the recommendation!
Hi! Great suggestion! But support the original/first, if you're able: antsy labs
There are so many cheaply made knock offs these days!
Fidget cubes are pretty nice, you just need to find the ones that have quiet features so it's not audible 5ft away.
I've also seen a key ring-like item meant to chew on as a stim. It's marketed on Amazon as a stim toy for kids, but there isn't a reason an adult couldn't use it too.
I live with ADD-PI and likely ASD myself (social reading issues, easily overloaded senses). It's a very delicate balance between stimmed enough to be productive through my ADD, but not overload my ASD.
While I'm at work I constantly have a rubber band or two on my hands to fidget with. It also helps that there are a number of magic tricks you can do with rubber bands, so carrying a few for practice is a good excuse to practice.
Yes yes YES, rubber bands!! I'm always so surprised to not see them mentioned more often in this type of thread. I've kept a few rubber bands on my wrist every day since I was a child, you can do so many different types of fidgets with them, and can create interesting sounds and feelings with the tension!
Plus, they are very handy if you need to close a bag of chips or open a tough bottle or jar.
Not sure if these would work for you, but some possibilities:
Most of those would not qualify as "unobtrusive," though; personally, if I were in a public place and someone was continuously clicking their pen or popping bubble wrap, I would probably need to leave.
Edit: I have ADHD myself and use a flippy chain, it's like two keyrings connected by a segment of bicycle chain. It's small enough that it's pretty covert, and cheap enough that you can store one everywhere you might need it.
See if this interests you:
ONO Roller Black - (The Original) https://a.co/d/iUfXc01
I read the sensation was like "rolling two highlighters together without the caps." and I bought it immediately.
The sensation is very satisfying.
ooo, that looks like music balls but they are kept together. https://a.co/d/1dFkoYO
Ooooh, I love that analogy! Will definitely have to check this one out.
not diagnosed (but my son is, and "chip off the old block and all that).
my stimming is twirling facial hair, sideburns. also leg bouncing. fidgeting with a pen or whatever, etc.
Reading this thread is making me question some things
My ultimate "toy" recommendation: a whistle lanyard with no whistle or clip, and taped around the metal bit. I wear it wrapped around my wrist like a bracelet so it's always easily accessible, I can roll it between my fingers, make loops and shapes, even swing it around my finger like a lifeguard when I'm at home.
Taping the metal bit is optional. I did that because I have a tendency to swing it around while pacing the house, and it can slip and hit walls. My house's walls have a lot of marks from when I'd use Mardi Gras necklaces and even Yo-Yo Balls for a time as a kid. (I broke so many of those things.) Whistle lanyard was the least damaging one we found.
You can buy them in bulk on Amazon for pretty cheap. You just need a wire cutter or similar tool to break off the metal clips for whistles.
Oh dang, that's a great idea! I've always loved fiddling with those, just never thought to do it intentionally.
I have a ring with a few little balls on it that you can move around the ring (and in a favourite movement kind of lock them on the other side of where the ring spiral crosses over at the end and then snap the two sides back and forth over the stuck balls): perfect for fiddling, easy to carry around, and always available! I still find myself unconsciously rocking quite a bit.
Stainless steel finger rings that have a band that spins. They come in a bunch of types with different textures and pretty cheap for a whole bunch of them. I bought different ring sizes so I could fit them on any finger, spent about $30 from Amazon (search: fidget rings) and have a bag full of them. Plus, they don’t turn my fingers green. Being cheap sometimes they need to be worked a bit to get the band to move smoothly.
For me, always carrying a rubik's cube with me to solve repeatedly whenever I can helps me.
It's a good, structurally repeated activity that keeps my fingers and head busy.
One trick that I sometimes do is wiggling and curling the fingers on my right hand. A weird side effect of this that the difference in dexterity between my two hands has been exacerbated. I also crack my knuckles quite frequently. One more trick is that whenever I'm squeezing my hands, I'll try to disguise it as me stretching my arms.
How about the ol' ben wa balls? (No, not the kind you use for...ahem personal pleasure). They're two smooth little weighted balls that you roll around together in your hand. They're finished in such a way that they don't really make sound when they clack or rub together. And once you get the hand mechanism down and are able to roll them balls smoothly in your palm, it's actually pretty soothing and requires a tad more concentration than just holding/flipping around a single object. They usually come in a nice box, too.
ETA-- they're also good if you are tactile. The more commonly found balls are a smooth stainless steel type metal and feel good in your hand. They're super smooth, have a nice heft to them and roll really smoothly in your hand. For me, just the smoothness, weight and feel in my hand is kind of relaxing. If I don't have ben wa balls, I tend to twirl my hair, which I don't like doing in public.
Oooh, these seem like a great option! Adding to my list, tysm for the rec
Not precisely what you asked for but... I think a relevant idea:
Check if the place you're going to, or a nearby place, has a toilet and spend an extra minute on it just sitting down and taking a moment for yourself -- assuming you're not occupying a busy one or something, everything within reason of course. Oftentimes I didn't even realize I was due for a break from social until I hear the lock click and a weight lifts off my shoulders and my whole body relaxes tangibly
It also helps that they're usually quieter than the busy restaurant or whatever place it was that you were in,
but the main part is that nobody will see me or physically interact with me for a few minutes. No mindfulness of other people, not being in their way, no resting bitch face to be aware of when you give people death glares unintentionally, no need to pick up on or tune out any conversation, none of all that
This is one of those things I've sort of subconsciously done for years now, and only recently clued in that "oh, wait, I guess that's just an autistic thing isn't it" haha -- so yes, excellent advice!
Not a toy, but tactics I love to use. When walking towards someone face to face, when you're about 3 feet away, look up and to the side and the person that would've likely shoulder checked you will jump out of your way. It is a small victory, but still good.
I also love when someone starts to talk to me when I wish they wouldn't, I just stare at them and continue what I was doing. Yay for you! you now get to watch me eat pizza while I blankly stare at you.
Side note that I just thought of: If you wish to high-five someone, always looks at the elbow. You'll nail every single one.
Oh, and now I remembering another thing. When in larger groups, and everyone goes silent, tell everyone that when there is an awkward in groups over 6, someone is always thinking about Abraham Lincoln. They'll call you a liar and that you're full of shit, but it is a slow burn. The next time you're together and have that awkward silence, someone is bound to shout out, "Fucking Abraham Lincoln!!!" It is a feeling close to sex.
Is this neuro-atypical or are you slightly leaning towards social engineering side? None of these would ever have occured to me. It's half way fascinating and half way kind of scary.
Honestly, I'm not sure, but it does seem to be closer on the social engineering side. All of these I learned from friends and they help me cope out in the world.
The coping angle is very valuable though: there are so many unwritten and hidden rules with human interaction, and so many variables and so hard to model, that perhaps having a few "rules" that you can observe happening with regular predictability helps with orientation in stressful times. It's kind of nice to have these ready "experiment", much like how we can drop a pen to determine which way is up, or if we are disoriented under water, follow bubbles to go up.
Very true, and nobody gets hurt.
This is a bit bizarre but... I have a tiny screwdriver (full-sized, but short) that I carry with me in my pocket. I can fiddle with it and pushing the end into my fingertips is oddly satisfying. I think it helps my brain figure out where my fingers are so it feels more secure. Side benefit: if I need a screwdriver, I have one! :)
I have other fidgets too, but I really love my adorable screwdriver. I often "lose it" in my house (ie. put it down in random places) but am always excited when I find it again.