32 votes

Terrible joke thread

It was mentioned, and I agree, that Tildes is a little serious. As such, let's tell some jokes! And not good jokes. What's the fun in that? I want your worst clean joke. Aim for the groan, the hiss of pain, the holding of noses while fleeing into the night! Be it short form or shaggy dog, bring it here!

I'll start with the joke I pull out as an icebreaker:

Two muffins were sitting in the oven. One muffin said to the other: "Boy, is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" The second muffin said "Ahhh! A talking muffin!"

It's terrible, I know. Can you top me?

33 comments

  1. OswaldTheCatfish
    Link
    I made fish tacos last night. They just swam away and ignored them.

    I made fish tacos last night.

    They just swam away and ignored them.

    25 votes
  2. happimess
    Link
    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

    He got off on a technicality.

    18 votes
  3. MimicSquid
    Link
    Have you heard about Orion's Belt? Waist of space. Sorry, that wasn't so good. Three stars.

    Have you heard about Orion's Belt?

    Waist of space.

    Sorry, that wasn't so good. Three stars.

    17 votes
  4. [4]
    milkbones_4_bigelow
    Link
    A classics professor rips his trousers, walks into a haberdashery and asks, "eumenidies?", habadasher responds, "euripides?"

    A classics professor rips his trousers, walks into a haberdashery and asks, "eumenidies?", habadasher responds, "euripides?"

    13 votes
    1. bhrgunatha
      Link Parent
      Guy's friend walks into his garage as he's working on his car. His cat runs over and drinks some oil dripping from the car. The cat screeches and runs away only to stop and collapse. "What's up...

      Guy's friend walks into his garage as he's working on his car. His cat runs over and drinks some oil dripping from the car. The cat screeches and runs away only to stop and collapse.
      "What's up with your cat?"
      "Ran out of oil."

      5 votes
  5. Eylrid
    Link
    What do a bicycle and a chicken have in common? They both have handlebars, except the chicken.

    What do a bicycle and a chicken have in common?

    They both have handlebars, except the chicken.

    12 votes
  6. moocow1452
    Link
    What's Red, and Smells like Blue Paint? Red Paint.
    What's Red, and Smells like Blue Paint? Red Paint.
    11 votes
  7. spit-evil-olive-tips
    Link
    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here".

    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here".

    10 votes
  8. patience_limited
    (edited )
    Link
    What do you get when you mix Jesus and bees? Cross-pollination.
    What do you get when you mix Jesus and bees?

    Cross-pollination.

    8 votes
  9. [4]
    stormy
    (edited )
    Link
    One day there's this kid in school. Him and his class are in the library, reading. Unfortunately he forgot his book! So he asked the teacher what to do and the teacher told him to read the...

    One day there's this kid in school. Him and his class are in the library, reading. Unfortunately he forgot his book! So he asked the teacher what to do and the teacher told him to read the dictionary. So he's reading the dictionary, looking up all the words, laughing at words like poop and stuff and then he stumbles on a word with no definintion. Obviously, he's really confused by this so he asks his teacher what to do. The teacher is like "Hmmm, thats weird, whats the word?" and the kid says "Snuffleupagus".

    Immediately, the teacher kicks him out of class and sends him to the principals office.

    Now in the principals office, the kid is all confused and crying a ton. The principal is confused too and asks him "Hey, yknow, you're a good kid. I'm not too sure why you're in here" and the kid responds "Well, I was in library class and forgot my book and the teacher told me to read the dictionary. So i was reading the dictionary and I found a word that doesn't have a definition, so I asked her about it and she asked me the word and I told her and she kicked me out of class" The principal is taken aback, very confused as to what has transpired here, so he asked "What's the word?" and the kid is like "Weeelll, I don't know if I want to tell you..." the principal responds "Look, I just want to help." And then the kid responds "Ok, the word is Snuffleupagus"

    Immediately, the principal expels him from the school and calls his parents to take him home.

    So now the kid is going home, all confused, all sad. Nobody talks until they're about 10 minutes away from their house and suddenly, the dad pipes up and asks "Well, what happened today? You've never got in trouble before and now you're expelled!" and the kid responds "Well, I was in library class and forgot my book and the teacher told me to read the dictionary. So i was reading the dictionary and I found a word that doesn't have a definition, so I asked her about it and she asked me the word and I told her and she kicked me out of class and sent me to the principals office, then the principal asked me the word and I told him and he expelled me from school" And the dad is shocked, "Well thats really weird, what was the word?" and the kid responds "Weeeellll, I don't know if I wanna tell you, everyone really freaks out when I say it" and the dad is like "Kid, listen, I'm your dad, we can figure this out together" so the kid is like "Ok" and tells him the word.

    Immediately, the dad stops on the side of the road and kicks the kid out of the family.

    Now the kid is really confused, he's walking around the streets at night, all alone. Around 4am a cop sees him and stops him. The cop asks "What are you doing out here so late?" and the kid responds "Well, I was in library class and forgot my book and the teacher told me to read the dictionary. So i was reading the dictionary and I found a word that doesn't have a definition, so I asked her about it and she asked me the word and I told her and she kicked me out of class and sent me to the principals office, then the principal asked me the word and I told him and he expelled me from school. Then on the way home my dad asked what the word was and I told him and he kicked me out of the family." The cop stops in his tracks. This is very intriguing. So the cop asks what any person would ask in this scenario "What was the word?" and the kid is like "Weeeeelllll, I don't know if I wanna tell you, everyone freaks out when I say it" and the cop responds "Look, I'm an officer of the law and I feel like one was broken here. We're gonna help you out but I need to know what I'm working with" and the kid responds "Ok... the word was Snuffleupagus"

    Immediately, the cop throws him in the back of the patrol car and sends him to jail.

    About 6 days pass, the kid is a mess. He's in jail for some reason, and its now time for him to go to trial. The judge immediately asks "I'm really confused, you're 4 years old, what are you doing here?" and the kid responds "Well, I was in library class and forgot my book and the teacher told me to read the dictionary. So i was reading the dictionary and I found a word that doesn't have a definition, so I asked her about it and she asked me the word and I told her and she kicked me out of class and sent me to the principals office, then the principal asked me the word and I told him and he expelled me from school. Then on the way home my dad asked what the word was and I told him and he kicked me out of the family. So I was walking around at night and a cop stops me and asks me what I'm doing there and I told him the story and then he asked me the word and I told him and he arrested me!" The Judge is taken aback, very confused. "This is a huge miscarriage of justice. Appaling. What was the word?" and the kid is like "Weeeeeellllll, I don't know if I wanna tell you, last time I did I was thrown in jail." and the Judge says "Look, you don't belong here, help me out and I can help you" and the kid responds "Ok... the word is Snuffleupagus."

    Immediately, the kid is sentenced to 30 years in jail

    30 years later, the kid is now an adult and is on the streets again. His family doesn't want to see him, and he has no friends left from elementary school. So he's walking down the street and meets this homeless guy. The homeless guy starts talking to him about his story, and he eventually asks the kid "Enough about me, what about you? How did you get right here?" and the kid responds "Well, I was in library class and forgot my book and the teacher told me to read the dictionary. So i was reading the dictionary and I found a word that doesn't have a definition, so I asked her about it and she asked me the word and I told her and she kicked me out of class and sent me to the principals office, then the principal asked me the word and I told him and he expelled me from school. Then on the way home my dad asked what the word was and I told him and he kicked me out of the family. So I was walking around at night and a cop stops me and asks me what I'm doing there and I told him the story and then he asked me the word and I told him and he arrested me! Then in court, the judge asked the word and I told him and he sentenced me to 30 years in jail" The homeless guy is suprised "That sounds like what happened to me! What was the word?" The kid, deciding he has nothing to lose, tells him "The word is Snuffleupagus" The homeless guy cheers! "That was my word too! I actually found the definition. It's inside an old book at the church a couple blocks from here!" The kid is shocked, and excited to finally learn what it means. He thanks the homeless guy and starts crossing the street to get to the church. Immediately upon stepping into the street he gets hit by a bus.

    I stole this from a CS:GO surf server at 3am and I can't stop thinking about it

    8 votes
    1. [3]
      Omnicrola
      Link Parent
      Terrible. Excellent. I've been trying to remember a similar anti joke that I heard around a camping fire once. It was even more intricate, and the guy telling it stretched it out so that it took...

      Terrible. Excellent.

      I've been trying to remember a similar anti joke that I heard around a camping fire once. It was even more intricate, and the guy telling it stretched it out so that it took about 30 min before he got to the end, which ended similarly to yours. Everyone listening was really mad at the guy for a while after 😋

      1. [2]
        aphoenix
        Link Parent
        Was it the guy with the big orange spherical head? I've told that joke before; a man sees this guy surrounded by riches and women, but he has this huge orange spherical head. Intrigued, the man...

        Was it the guy with the big orange spherical head?

        I've told that joke before; a man sees this guy surrounded by riches and women, but he has this huge orange spherical head. Intrigued, the man walks up and asks Orange Head about himself. Turns out he used to be norma, found a lamp, got three wishes. At this point, go into details about the intricacies of wish making, and ensuring that wishes are beneficial, and how much thought and preparation the man puts into each wish. First wish should be detailed and lead to him being a great philanthropist or inventor or something. The second wish leads to him being interesting enough to be found attractive to lots of people. Then the man gets quiet and says, "The third wish is where I fucked up. I wished to have a huge orange head."

        3 votes
        1. patience_limited
          Link Parent
          It's the funniest joke in the documentary, The Aristocrats, which is great if you're interested in how comedians improvise and construct their delivery of a common dirty joke. The now little-known...

          It's the funniest joke in the documentary, The Aristocrats, which is great if you're interested in how comedians improvise and construct their delivery of a common dirty joke. The now little-known comedian, The Amazing Johnathan, tells the Big Round Orange Head joke in a way that completely breaks out from the ordinary scatology of the rest of the movie, and the spouse and I just about wet ourselves. For years, all we had to say was, "Big Round Orange..." to start giggling.

          1 vote
  10. [3]
    asoftbird
    Link
    Chemistry jokes. Absolutely hate them, especially this one: What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium (just reading this one pisses me off)

    Chemistry jokes. Absolutely hate them, especially this one:

    What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

    (just reading this one pisses me off)

    7 votes
    1. [2]
      Omnicrola
      Link Parent
      Favorite chemistry/science joke. First I draw a diagram, the exact structure of which is unimportant, but something like this: Fe / \ Fe Fe \\ // Fe Then show it to someone and ask : what is this...

      Favorite chemistry/science joke. First I draw a diagram, the exact structure of which is unimportant, but something like this:

       Fe
      /   \
      Fe   Fe
      \\  //
        Fe
      

      Then show it to someone and ask :

      what is this structure? It's a ferrous wheel!
      6 votes
      1. asoftbird
        Link Parent
        Thanks, l hate it. They're so overused, especially on reddit. Really does not help with being good jokes, hence why they fit this thread so nicely.

        Thanks, l hate it. They're so overused, especially on reddit. Really does not help with being good jokes, hence why they fit this thread so nicely.

        3 votes
  11. Kuromantis
    Link
    A photon insulted a black hole by saying she's heavy and needs to stop eating so much light. The black hole said: bitch do you even MATTER? thats all

    A photon insulted a black hole by saying she's heavy and needs to stop eating so much light.

    The black hole said: bitch do you even MATTER?

    thats all

    6 votes
  12. cardigan
    Link
    Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? They wouldn't stop saying "Bach, Bach, Bach."
    Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

    They wouldn't stop saying "Bach, Bach, Bach."

    5 votes
  13. rogue_cricket
    Link
    How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two! But how'd they get in??
    How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Only two! But how'd they get in??

    5 votes
  14. kfwyre
    Link
    As fans of wordplay, misplaced modifiers might work well as jokes for commenters here. I tried to serve one up for us Tilderinos on a silver platter, but it's hard to come up with jokes while...

    As fans of wordplay, misplaced modifiers might work well as jokes for commenters here.

    I tried to serve one up for us Tilderinos on a silver platter, but it's hard to come up with jokes while feeling pressure off the top of my head.

    Oh well. I always guess I can try later again.

    4 votes
  15. [3]
    minimaltyp0s
    Link
    What do you call a fly without any wings? A walk.

    What do you call a fly without any wings?

    A walk.

    4 votes
    1. [2]
      Sand
      Link Parent
      But what do you call a fly without any legs?

      But what do you call a fly without any legs?

  16. balooga
    Link
    Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane. Good news: He had a parachute! Bad news: The parachute didn't work. Good news: There was a haystack beneath him! Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the...

    Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane.
    Good news: He had a parachute!
    Bad news: The parachute didn't work.
    Good news: There was a haystack beneath him!
    Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack.
    Good news: He missed the pitchfork!
    Bad news: He missed the haystack.

    2 votes
  17. patience_limited
    Link
    An epistemologist and a phenomenologist get in a fight. One asserts that no one knows anything, and the other that no one knows anything.

    An epistemologist and a phenomenologist get in a fight. One asserts that no one knows anything, and the other that no one knows anything.

    2 votes
  18. HoolaBoola
    Link
    What does Pac-Man eat with his tacos? Guacawacawacamole

    What does Pac-Man eat with his tacos?

    Guacawacawacamole
    2 votes
  19. cwagner
    Link
    Simple, dumb, but I like it: A ball rolls around the corner and falls over. Edit: Now that I’m thinking about it, that would work if it’s rolling around in a 4-dimensional area, right?

    Simple, dumb, but I like it: A ball rolls around the corner and falls over.

    Edit: Now that I’m thinking about it, that would work if it’s rolling around in a 4-dimensional area, right?

    1 vote
  20. [2]
    cerealguy
    Link
    A horse walks into the bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?"

    A horse walks into the bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?"

    1 vote
    1. balooga
      Link Parent
      Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

      Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

      2 votes