How do you practice self love?
I've been having a difficult time recently, which has been leading to my absence here and a lot of crying in my real life. I don't deal with letting go too well. I keep texts and pictures and messages and every once in a while I like to look back at them and remember that somebody out there at one point was capable of loving me.
It's not like I don't have friends that love me either, I've spent days and days at other people's houses just crying, people have taken me out to eat and cry and just feel my feelings, and people have been reminding me about the things they like about me too. I mentioned it to a friend that I've been having trouble letting go and we dug into it a bit more, about why I want to keep these things. My friend asks why I need the love to come from other people first. Where is the self love?
My core issue has always been needing to be reminded that I am loved. It's really silly sometimes, because on some level I know that I am. But something is missing.
There's an old saying that we judge other people by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a bad person. Or if I think I am. Because if I didn't have that, why would I have such a hard time forgiving myself?
I don't really know how to self love, to be honest. I spent all day today barely working, just mindlessly staring at a screen playing a stupid game and not leaving the house. I dunno. Maybe I just need some ideas. I set up a couple more appointments with my therapist this week, but sometimes when it's 2 in the morning like it is now I just can't sleep and spend more time hurting myself in my own head.
I don't have an answer for you, but I do have a story that might help you out a bit.
Last year I was in such a bad place that I quit my job. I really hated myself for a lot of reasons: not only was I feeling useless because of my job, but I hated my body and really just about everything about myself. I didn't even realize how much I hated myself until I randomly chose to do a guided meditation about self-love.
I had a conversation with my sister somewhere around this time and when I told her about my mental problems she said something mundanely profound. You can't love yourself until you like yourself. You can't like yourself until you can tolerate yourself.
So literally just this week I was doing an elliptical workout at the gym and decided to help me get into the zone I would try to do a guided running meditation. I was instructed to look around and see what was around me. Then it prompted me to think about the reason I was "running". The machine I was on had TV screen, turned off, that was showing my reflection. And then it hit me. I was looking at the reason I was working out. It was me. At some point in the past year or so, all of the work I was doing on myself - the dieting, the exercise, the education - everything - was no longer being done because I hated myself, but because I loved myself. I had self-love for who knows how long and just didn't realize it.
Self-improvement, I think, is a really good way to practice self-love. But I don't think that's the only way, not by a long shot. Think of all the "bad" things you do - eating things that are unhealthy, sleeping in, spending too much time watching TV - are they really bad things, or are you doing them because you need them at the time you're doing it? And if so, isn't that also a form of self-love? Perhaps that's a topic you should try to reflect more upon.
You worry about being a bad person. But in my experience, thinking those things is a hallmark more often carried by good people than by bad people. It's only monsters who go through life thinking that everything they do is perfect and good.
Daaang. That hit hard. I was just talking about a similar thing with my therapist yesterday. The way you worded it made it sink in even better.
Woah. Thank you for this write up.
I fell off the horse on a lot of things in my life during COVID, lost my dream job/career, ended a 10+ year friendship that had turned violent, and tons of life changes. I used to work out a 6 days a week, meal prep, go hiking, do a ton of self improvement, I was making things I liked, putting myself out there socially.
And I've struggled like no other to get back on the horse, and nothing I do sticks, and I've been passively asking myself why that is for so long, asking myself what really changed. I'm 50lbs heavier, on the verge of pre-diabetes, and struggling to take care of myself and my apartment.
With all that being said, I think your particular comment has given me more perspective on my situation than 4 years of therapy.
I'm glad that someone found it helpful. Writing it up I got this deja vu sensation that I was talking about something profound from my perspective but might not mean anything to anyone else.
This is a good way to frame it. It's important to not judge yourself too harshly when you're already down as it will just worsen things. However, I wouldn't go as far as just saying something like "playing this video game 8 hours a day is self love". It may be self love for now, but there needs to be some effort put into a more sustainable solution. Something like TV, video games, social media are very good distractions that will keep the mind occupied with easy dopamine hits, and before you know it you are addicted to them. Basically, moderation is key. I'd approach it this way: "My mind needs a break from all the judging and stress, so I'll watch 1 movie, and then I'll go for a 30 minute walk, stop by the store and buy something healthy to cook for dinner." Our bodies are smart. We are more than a brain in a meat suit. I always see big improvements in my mental health when I stick to good physical habits: exercise, walk, move. Less screen time, more outside time. It's hard to get out of my own head when I'm just absorbing what screens show me.
I also really liked what your sister said about first having to like yourself or tolerate yourself. I can't say I love myself, but over the years I did manage to tolerate myself by quitting some bad habits (drinking, smoking) and I'm working on liking myself now by trying to get more fit, eat better, cut down screen time, be a better partner and family member in general, etc. Long list, so taking it slow. Thanks for sharing -- lots of good food for thought. I liked the part about your own reflection in the treadmill screen. Powerful image/realization!
Wonderful post, thanks for sharing! And that's awesome to hear you're in a better place now!
I wanted to add to this, that I don't think anyone can start this journey if they don't decide themselves they want to change something.
That sounds obvious I suppose, but when you're not in a good place it might not be obvious that you actually want to fix it yet. It might be you're still in acceptance or even still denial and need time, space or something to move you forward to a place when you decide "hey, I'm going to change". Then the magic happens.
To piggy-back off of what Akir said, the opposite of love isn't hate it's indifference.
Sometimes, and by that I mean almost all the time, love isn't a feeling but rather a practice. There's a heady kind of swooning love feeling but that's not necessary, and indeed can be a retraction from, the proper kind of practical self love.
You're allowing yourself to cry; you are not only talking to friends but also visiting them; you are speaking with a professional who makes time for you; you are making time to speak to said professional; you are eating, you are sleeping, you are playing a game; you are keeping texts and pictures that bring comfort; you are looking for advice; you are looking forward to the day it hurts less and the day when it stops hurting; you are doing self reflection....
Self care is a form of self love. in a healthy relationship, most days won't feel like a swooning rollercoaster of emotions, it'll just be this quiet, contented, peaceful sort of caring for each other. You're doing many of those activities already by taking care of yourself. So even in heartbreak, you're still making progress towards being a good lover again eventually.
I would generally rate myself as someone with a great deal of self-admiration, self-respect, and self-love. (My self-confidence is another matter but, eh, you can't have everything. At least self-doubt is still adorable in its own way.)
But I do still need other people's approval and affection. We are ultimately social animals, and we evolved with a strong instinct to bond with one another. Without those bonds, we feel incomplete no matter how great everything else in our lives may be going. It's like... however well-fed you may otherwise be, if you have a vitamin deficiency, you're going to feel crummy — and you may ask yourself why the ample, nutritious food you already eat isn't enough, and you may try to tough it out, but that's not going to solve the problem.
One of the things I've learned about myself, for example, is that I am miserable without a romantic partner. It's still not as bad as being with the wrong romantic partner (I'd rather spend years wallowing in loneliness than ever do that again), but it is something that platonic friendship alone cannot ameliorate for me. Once I'm in a stable, healthy romantic relationship, I am content and can coast on it forever. This deep need of mine isn't because I don't love myself enough; it's because my own love isn't the only kind of love I require.
The thing to watch out for, though, is whether the problem actually is what it feels like it is. For example, if I felt a strong drive to be in a romantic relationship, but then proceeded to twist and sabotage those relationships (for example, like a certain ex of mine does), that would be a sure sign that I've misdiagnosed the root of my loneliness.
Sometimes you have to get a bit scientific with it: which conditions aggravate the feelings you're having and which conditions ease them? If those conditions remain static, do your feelings remain static as well, or could there be other factors at play that you haven't accounted for? My experience has been that analyzing my emotions this way (including taking extensive notes over long periods of time to identify patterns of cause and effect) helps me understand my needs much better, and it has been instrumental in getting myself out of some dire situations (for example, a certain abusive relationship that I lightly alluded to earlier). Emotional pain, like physical pain, exists for a reason: your brain is trying to communicate something to you.
I know that it's been a while since I've posted this. Honestly I haven't figured it out yet but this week I scheduled an appointment for a psychiatrist. They prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone with the caveat of if it starts to trigger any manic episodes we'll figure something else out (probably lithium).
I've still had a lot of ups and downs and I've still been crying like crazy to be honest. But today I took a small step in trying to get better so I'm proud of myself at least.
Thank you to everyone who responded, I don't know how ready I am to respond to everyone but I just wanted to thank @Akir specifically for your anecdote and words of encouragement. Between that, @Carrow for shooting me a mention over in the thread I regularly post on, and @cfabbro for poking me with appreciation (I'm sure you knew a bit about what was going on, and if not I still appreciate you appreciating my post on Backpack Hero). It's nice to know I have friends here too.
Backpack Hero honestly did surprise me with how good it was, and how much I enjoyed it, so I was genuinely just being appreciative. No ulterior motives. :P
But yeah, I was also aware that you were struggling with your mental health. So I'm very glad to hear you're getting the help you need, and are taking steps to try to help you address it. And if you ever need someone to chat with about it who has also been through the mental health wringer over the last few decades (yes, I'm old) and survived it all, please don't hesitate to send me a PM. ❤️:)
The phoenix is known for always returning so good on ya for making an effort in a positive direction.
I always have to tell myself the same in my own mind, where my worst enemy likes to hang out
I hope you find the right combination for yourself 💖 small steps are still steps, doctor's appointments are big steps though. I hope you consider a therapist as well, they've helped me monitor and emotionally regulate as I've worked through these states.
I'm surprised to see you've been started on both at the same time. Citalopram/celexa (citalopram) was the first SSRI I was put on and still take it. It didn't impact my mania (not that I'd recognized it at the time) but helped a lot in other ways, but also wasn't complete on its own. It took maybe two weeks for me to adjust, the first dose was particularly hard, but nowadays few to no deleterious side effects. If they didn't warn you, SSRIs do increase your heat sensitivity so take care there.
The next thing was ketamine treatments. It pulled me from my deepest pits, even though it was the most instantaneous and massive improvement, it couldn't solve everything by itself forever.
It took some time for me to identify cycles and work with a bipolar diagnosis, I was "fortunate" in that doubling my seizure medication seems to have prevented manic episodes from taking hold.
I wouldn't call myself not-depressed, but I'm in a manageable spot. I think my state is less about chemical imbalance and more about life stuff though. Sometimes I miss the feeling of mania, I'm not excitable or passionate outside it. But the impact that has on those around me is enough to continue to medicate.
I'm glad we've been able to be glimmers of light for you in these hard times, you've got this!
I appreciate it. It's definitely been a bit of a small roller coaster. I had an anxiety attack today at the gym. I do have a therapist, been thinking of upping my sessions especially during this time.
I think the Trazodone is mostly for sleep aid, from what the psych told me. I don't think it's working too well for that yet so I'll have to talk to them about it next week.
Thank you for your support, and I hope everything is good for you too. I'm trying and growing and learning and that's all I can do right now.
I found that in order for Trazodone to work for me, I had to create space for it to work. It starts hitting my system approximately 30 minutes after I take it, so I need to be prepared - in bed, under covers, comfortable, with eyes closed, willing to let myself slip into sleep. If I don’t do that, it hits, and I just stay awake through it. Even though it takes some effort on my part for it to work, I prefer it over heavier sleeping aids because when I wake up I have no residual sleepiness. For myself, I find it’s the same regardless of the dosage. I can stay awake through any dosage if I’m not already in bed.
I personally practice self love by writing.
When it's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep, I'll start writing whatever thoughts I'm thinking and imagine them pouring out of my head, down my arm, and onto the paper- emptying my mind. If I'm still thinking, I'll keep writing, all of it, until I feel empty and tried enough to sleep.
The act of writing helps me let go of things that I can't really do anything about. My thoughts can cycle around and around something I did or didn't do in the past, and writing them on paper makes it easier to let go since just writing about them makes me feel like I've done something.
Looking at my thoughts on paper helps give me another perspective - I can read them as if they're not my own thoughts, but someone else's. What would I tell that person who wrote this? I can read my thoughts in the morning and see that sleeping does improve my mood and make things easier to deal with because the thoughts that felt so bad last night seem kind of silly now. I can use the writing as a record of things that bother me, so I can try to find things I can do to avoid or lessen the impact of whatever it is. Sometimes my thoughts devolve into just scribbling all over the paper and what I've written, or I'll rip up or burn the paper because it feels good to entirely destroy that line of thinking.
I also keep a gratitude journal where I write the things I'm grateful for, or things that made me happy every day (or at least I try for every day, I'm rarely consistent but it still helps me to do it even if it's only monthly sometimes). Instead of just writing things you're thankful for overall, it might help you to focus on things about yourself that you like. Write down when you feel happy with yourself, start a log that you can keep to remind yourself that you can like you. Keep "proof" of all the times that you're not a bad person.
When we're in a rough spot, we tend to remember more of the bad and forget the good. Writing really helps me to get rid of the bad and keep the good.
I don't have a great solution and there have been many good suggestions above. Just something that jumped at me and please forgive me if I'm being presumptuous, but would you happen to have ADHD? What you've written above sounds a little like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the description on that link resonates with you it might be worth looking into.
My personal experience with overcoming this (still a work in progress) involved:
Bit of an odd one but I find the YouTube channel soft white underbelly extremely helpful in my self love practice https://youtube.com/@softwhiteunderbelly
It's a channel that does interviews mostly with people who has really significant trauma. The interviewer has said before that the whole point of his channel is advocating for self love. Every self inflicted problem, drug addiction in my case, stems back to a lack of self love.
This one in particular resonated really deeply with me. I was in the middle of a bad relapse when I watched it and being in such similar circumstances, being a drug addicted engineer who was surrounded by understanding people who love me and want to see me thrive, just hit home on a personal level. https://youtu.be/bLW_gr7sQgY
I pray.
Self love is a personal journey. There are many suggestions here, but the way you find your way to yourself will be unique to you.
Anyway, heres my personal journey too cause its a fun story and I love sharing it. I took acid with the understanding that it would let me get to know myself. So I took it, and then spent the entire day running away from myself. I texted people, played games, watched movies, anything besides just hanging out with myself. As I was coming down I realized I wasted the whole day, so I grabbed a sheet of paper and went and sat on the floor. Then, it came to me, I spend all of my time with me. I’m there when I wake up, when I shower, I’m there for everything I do. I MUST like me.
And just like that, I did. Since then Ive been able to get to know myself, since I found myself. I’d been here the whole time and forgot to look.
A lesson for others might be, don’t try to logic yourself into self love, and maybe just start with actually finding yourself first before you try to love yourself.
A lot of nice advice here, but a really simple one that's helped me as another self-loathing internet friend: writing down affirmations about myself every day. I use 5-minute journal, but really could do just do it in a phone notes app. It prompts me for 3 things I'm grateful for + 1 affirmation/I am... statement every morning, and to name good things that happened today + a lesson I learned every evening. They key I've found is to remember that the small glimmers are sometimes most important. I feel better when I say to myself "I like my creativity" and then go and imagine an ant-sized community of elves living among the leaves of the trees outside.