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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (October 2025)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
Trying to hang in there. One a day at a time.
The only thing that seems consistent to my life is struggling. Always have and always will: sleep disorder, mood disorders, anxiety disorder, self harming, dysphoria, physical ailments, financial problems.. just highly depressed and I'm at a point that the term existential crisis applies and has for months probably. I see no way that my life could ever improve and as much as I want to say that that's the depression and all the dark thoughts talking, it's becoming very difficult to convince myself that it is.
I've been in this survival mode all year long. I never have anything to really look forward to and I'm not capable of creating things for myself to do. I spend all my time on my pc mindlessly scrolling social media to make time pass. Watching large amounts of movies or tv shows, sometimes gaming but it's difficult to engage with others and put on that mask, I mean I can enjoy all these things but ultimately as soon as credits roll, it's a sinking feeling that now I'm back to reality. But that's the best I can do - try to distract myself from real life and stay alive as long as I can.
smoontjes, I hope the last couple months of your year are a turning turn. You do sound quite burned out, so at least I am hoping to send vibes of peaceful rest your way, that you'll wake up more refreshed. Even if nothing else changes yet, having good sleep might give you the strength to keep going until they do.
As always, you are too kind. Thank you <3
Not great. Wtf USA. I hate it here. I feel very depressed and hopeless. I didn't realize how bad the anti-intellectualism was in this country. I feel stuck and trapped.
I know I read a post today about how we’re already living under a dictatorship and a lot of us middle class folks wont ever experience the effects that the less privileged people do.
Russia still has grocery stores. People still have jobs. They travel, they talk politics, they “vote” in elections. They even have a space program.
Kinda made me wonder when exactly we stopped being free, cause it kinda feels like its been a while, longer than Trumps been in office.
I think one of the things I've been struggling to cope with is what I've called the wanton cruelty of it all.
It feels like collectively we've lost the ability as a people to have compassion, empathy, and humility.
One of the biggest talking points I have for my therapist is that I feel very "trapped" and as if I'm in a form of perpetual "flight" response with no where to run to.
I know, logically, that things would have to get tremendously worse but I feel like we're driving 110 mph towards a cliff and the breaks have been cut off.
I'm really struggling to see the positive. I've resorted to doing everything I can to build real, tangible, non-digital (which, I feel is a crucial qualifier), and resilient communities.
Whats helped me is seeing it not as a cliff, but a long hill that we’re already going down.
There isn’t any way to know how bad it will get, but it wont get worse quickly and for a lot of us it wont get much worse at all.
Lots of people in Russia lived in the same house and even worked the same job pre and post soviet union collapse. For millions of people it was just news that happened.
I know thats not great, but it means that you don’t have to be ready to react. You can just sit back and watch and do little things like learn how to jar food or buy some water storage containers to make your household more resilient.
eggpl4nt, I saw your comment last night but I didn't know how to respond, because as a Canadian we're very highly steeped in your politics. I thought about it some more, and I hope you take some solace in this: don't give them the benefit of despair -- live long enough to outlive the regime. They've taken a lot yes, but don't let them take you away from us either, neighbour. As for the masses, people side with power; when the power collapses they'll quiet down again.
I know you weren't replying to me. But I have a lot of international friends and family.
This means a lot. I feel legitimately embarrassed and depressed with how awful things have gotten.
Tukajo, many of the American people's are still our friends and family. -..- even though I've had to disown some of you, I am still hoping that the dark days of your occupation will be over soon and we can one day in the future be friendly nations again. A lot of you are trying to vote, volunteer, protest; don't give up too soon on one of the greatest countries in the history of humanity
Hang in here, it's bleak but we can't let them win
It's been bleak but I've definitely tried to let that drive me in positive ways.
I volunteered for my local Democratic chapter this past election which was a helpful, eye opening experience in a positive way I think. I had never really engaged with politics like that before.
Separately, I've been working very hard to bridge old gaps with my family that were more "right" leaning.
I don't agree with pretty much all of their takes, but I've found that opening dialogues and trying to heal communities helps. The Internet does tremendous damage to our perceptions of one another. And I think humanizing each other helps to undo that damage and helps (from my experience) to bring people on the right that I personally know to be more cognizant of how their actions may have unintended consequences.
I hope things turn around.
You've done the important work already, and after that, yes, let's await things turning around.
I've long worried about the possibility of the capture of our democracy by the uneducated, uninformed, ignorant masses—the idiots—in this country. And it seems to have happened.
Gaining power is one thing. Keeping it is another. If they overshoot their mandate, things could turn around very quickly.
Anecdotal but today I had a conversation with a relative about a conservative friend who is a military veteran. The recent speech to the generals really annoyed that friend.
Man, I just cannot relate to this. Im quite optimistic about the future as an American.
Honestly, not doing great.
It's gotten to a point where I am embarrassed to tell people I have ADHD due to the stigma attached to it because of all the online romanticization.
In reality, it is such a crippling disorder, at least if you have it as severely as I do. I completely wasted all of my 20s not even knowing I had it. No education, no job, no nothing. I can barely function on a day to day basis, I'm starting new medication tomorrow and I am hoping that it can make me function like a normal person for at least half the day to try and make something of this time I got left.
The worst part is, this is just one of the many health related issues I have, and most people just don't understand it.
This is the first time I've vented in quite a while, I pretty much bottle it all up and, I don't know, try to get on with my day.
Thanks for listening to my TEDx Talk.
I hope this new medication works for you, friend. It's rough out there.
I think that life used to ask much less of individuals, so that many of us get by well enough. Forgot milk on counter again? That's okay, wages are higher, housing costs low, and groceries cheap and obtainable by a short walk. Take a bit longer to focus at work? That's okay the company is satisfied with low rate of growth, only want to stay within the community, and anyway other places are always hiring, or else a different job or waiting tables still pays living wage. Fidget or space out a lot? Eh, everyone smokes, and people like to stay home and read, nothing wrong with that at all.
We're all squeezed too hard and strung too tightly these days.
Thank you.
It is indeed borderline impossible to live these days with how much society asks of a person. I assume you're in the US so I can't comment on what life is like there, but where I am in Europe it's a disaster, it isn't as rosy as the internet makes it out to be on this side of the Atlantic.
I appreciate your kind words!
Canadian :') we're the ones living above the lab and lately there's been more thugs shouting at us and more mysterious banging at night....
I too am suffering from undiagnosed ADHD. It feels so cringe, you’re not alone. Every single bad thing that has ever happened in my life can be traced to it as a very likely cause.
The last time I talked to a psychiatrist they would not prescribe me medication and I’m scared to try again. Just thinking about how much more I could have accomplished in life with proper treatment from a young age makes me depressed in ways I have never felt before. As I get farther into my 30s the trench of hopelessness I feel in regards to the possibility of turning my life and career around gets deeper and deeper.
I hope medication helps you, from what I’ve read it’s very responsive to medication.
A good while ago, I read an article by a psychiatrist where they discussed their thoughts on how to determine when to prescribe stimulants. They came to the following conclusions:
By their estimates, 1 out of 4 psychiatrists (or other prescribers) will give stimulants to someone who provides the right ADHD "keywords" without batting an eye.
While they could attempt to screen more rigorously for ADHD criteria, that comes with the risk of someone with ADHD not getting the help they need. So they started to view their job a bit differently, and land somewhere in the middle.
I would recommend seeing another psychiatrist or prescriber.
Hey bud
I'm sorry to hear that, I feel you. Literally the same here, my whole life is fucked up because of it and in some shape or another can be traced back to ADHD itself. Of course, as a kid and where I come from, ADHD was non-existant and I was just "a lazy kid".
I second ShroudedScribe and you should seek a new psychiatrist, it took me roughly 4 years to get diagnosis and the first one didn't give a rat's ass to listen to me.
I've read that as well, medication can help a lot of people, this is the second one I will try, the first one made me a hell of a lot worse, my emotional dysregulation was out of control on the first medication I tried, literally came close to physical harm cause of it, it was scary.
Just got to stick it out and hope one of the many meds available will help.
Thank you for your words.
Same here, also wasted me 20s. I even had a suspicion that I had it, but I had a therapist and psychiatrist who didn't take it seriously, so I didn't want to spend the money I didn't have, until I coincidentally found a psychiatrist who is very competent and understanding.
My education is fine, even though it took very long which makes finding a job difficult and I'm starting to feel ashamed. There are fortunately people who get it and know about my ADHD, but I don't feel safe around others. And even if I get a job, I don't know if I can handle it.
You're not alone. We'll figure it out. I hope your medication will work well!
Love, love, LOVE!!! The x near the end, chefs kiss!
At least you can boast having the superpower: attention to detail!
No other support to give atm, sorry :)
Hahah glad to hear that, and no worries, your message was support enough <3
Yesterday, I resigned from my job, and next week I start a new job that is remote and a significant pay bump. I had a lot of identity invested in the previous job and I enjoyed working with the people at the previous position, but the job morphed into a lot more on the job highway travel that I wasn't comfortable with, and I didn't want to stick it out on the off chance that things go back to the way they were when a new opportunity dropped into my lap. I'm not sure how this new position is going to turn out, but I know I made the right decision for me.
I'm happy for you, and I hope this new job works out better for you.
I don't think I have commented before about your struggles at work because I didn't really know how.
Anyhow: cheers on your new job!
That's fantastic to hear, I bet you're jumping over the moon at this opportunity ;-) no commute best commute
I'm so nervous about finishing up an official diagnosis with the psychologist this week, I may or may not have booked a short flight trip to literally get away from thinking too hard about it. I won't speculate here just yet before the results are in, but man, some of those (many) questions are bringing up many side thoughts of "oh no this probably isn't normal...."
The 2 "agree/disagree" questions that hit me the hardest were:
My immediate reaction was "of course not". But if I consider my circumstances as someone else I know, I would not hesitate to say this person is dealing with a lot and is having a hard time
This was after a bunch of questions about having negative flashbacks, uncontrollable emotional responses, involuntary memories, and panic episodes etc, to which I reported none whatsoever. Then questions about if I have trouble recalling certain parts of my life (yes). Then mysteries aches and pains (yes). I explained that I don't experience memories aurally, visually or tactily, I recall facts then reconstruct memories with them. I always thought this was a "fun" quirk, but seeing it bundled with the neighbouring questions is making me question if this is [ guessing redacted] sign of something more troubling.
I had already been diagnosed with ADHD years ago. Want to place fun bets on what else is going on with chocobean?
Whatever the result, the fact that you're committed enough to therapy to await and roll with the diagnosis is pretty impressive. In fact, what's most impressive here is that you took time to respond to everybody else in the thread. That's an impressive amount of compassion and concern for others.
No matter what diagnosis the therapist throws at you following that sweet impromptu vacation (did I read that right?), I'm inclined to believe that your sense for resilience and perseverance will see you through it gracefully.
Godspeed
Thank you :) I'm fairly optimistic that at least I'm learning more about myself
I'm of the opinion that learning more about ourselves is the best thing we could do for future us. The greasier and more gnarly the learnings, the more that future us will benefit.
But that's just my twisted view 😜
Results. My family doctor was right, I do have ADHD. The psychologist says I "1000% have ADHD" yay. I do not have autism.
But I am suffering from anxiety right now.
Pssst @fnulare , just tapping you on the shoulder from the other thread to talk about ADHD-pi if you want :)
ADHD comes in a mix of three flavours: hyperactive-impulsive, primarily inattentive, and Combined type. One model of testing (evaluated by a professional) will mark someone as pi if they score in 6 areas out of 9 for that side, and hyperactive if hey score 6/9 on that side. Then combined type if they scored 6/9 for both.
I honestly have no idea how Combine people function, if myself (pi) and my best friend (hyperactive) are already having so much problems as adults, but I imagine they need a lot more help.
Not scientific literature, but here's an old Reddit discussion on ADHD women who don't get runner's high. The psychologist recommends that I don't push myself to do the forms of exercise I don't naturally enjoy, and focus on the ones that are fun while doing them, because I can't count on it feeling good afterwards. And especially because now im extra exhausted from making it to class on time / back / need to catch up on work etc.
Ah! Thank you (and @kovboydan in the other topic)!
I've only seen it as type 1, 2 and combined before.
The advice you've gotten seems reasonable, thanks for passing it on (not as advice but as an anecdote to draw from).
Not in the context of questions. But after gaining radical self-love last summer I've had a whole lot of horrid realizations myself. So yeah, I feel you there. It's really hard to learn that you've been struggling for far more for far longer than you thought.
No matter what the outcome, I wish you best of luck with processing that. Just the emotional blow of recognizing you have more problems than you thought you had is something to process at times.
Thank you, that's most kind :)
I took up running again to alleviate my stress / anxiety and I think it's working! It's not perfect but I'm happy to say I've kept with it (+at home pilates/yoga every other day) for about 3 months now.
Unfortunately a big stressor in my life right now is work, but I'm getting good advice from the people around me and I'm thinking it's good practice of swallowing my pride sort of thing.
:) glad to hear you're doing well and working out, and sounds like you're on top of the work thing. And thanks for the mental imagery of a cute tanuki running, doing Pilates and Yoga.
As a “Go Me!” present for getting back into running, I got myself a Tannuki brand running shirt, so I literally am a cute tanuki running. :D
It's crazy cute and I've not heard of the brand before. It sounds like they're a a Japanese Patagonia with a cuter mascot
I'm one of the "lucky" US government employees to get furloughed. In some sense, that's actually not bad. I don't have to work without pay, like many of my other coworkers. Plus, it's basically free vacation time since I'll get guaranteed back-pay once the shutdown is over, yet I don't "owe" any vacation time.
But that doesn't mean that the lack of paychecks isn't near the top of my mind. I do actually have one more paycheck that should arrive Friday. But it's just a partial paycheck, accounting for approximately 70% of what I'd normally receive biweekly. But after that? Who knows when I'll receive another.
I doubt this will last two months or longer. And I can last two, maybe three months based on current savings, if it came to that. Beyond that, I still have options, but it does get very worrisome.
Right now, it's just a light worry. But I've been fortunate to not have had to worry about money in quite awhile. Like 10+ years probably. Even though I've been jobless for about two or three months during that time, I've always something already lined up. I knew when a check would arrive. Technically, a check will arrive this time too, since I do have a job. It's just that I don't know when this time. Maybe this shutdown goes on for a week. Maybe it goes on for a month. Maybe longer.
It's the uncertainty that's annoying here.
Though politically, I'm not exactly mad that this is happening.
Overall it's been a really mixed month of ups and (mostly) downs.
I finally have a temporary purchase ledger job after six months of unemployment which I started on Monday, and which should tide me over until the end of the month, unless this place decides there is money in the budget to hire me permanently, and even then I'm not sure yet if I would take that.
The downside is that I work longer hours (8pm - 5pm), am dealing with the horrors of working with Oracle Fusion, and have to commute to another office 50 miles away from home on office days, which is an almost two-hour journey each way regardless of if I take the bus/train or drive there, and that is a pain point for me. I also unfortunately had to call in sick this morning because the stress of this commute (which I would have done for three days straight due to my training), my dad being a selfish arsehole and keeping me awake by watching TV very loudly in his room, and a really nasty sunburn on my neck had been leaving me sleep-deprived and genuinely unable to function. I also nearly crashed my car on the motorway yesterday morning when I almost missed a turning and that has spooked me.
My social life hasn't exactly been great either and it feels like I'm either being dragged into unnecessary drama or being forced to choose between people. I won't elaborate too much on this...
Last Tuesday I was kicked out, possibly even banned from my local pub by the landlord's daughter when I went there for a few drinks. For context, they have a large dog who is technically registered as an American bulldog, but may come under the UK's XL Bully ban due to how it's defined. That may also be a lie and that he may actually be an XL Bully due to the argument that later ensued. I showed my ex-girlfriend (she wasn't physically present, and I'm on great terms with her) a picture of him that the pub posted on their Facebook page a few weeks back and she mentioned that his nails seemed ridiculously long and urged me to raise it with his owners, because long nails can be really uncomfortable for a dog. I did exactly that, not to criticize them but to just point that out. She did not take things well, pretty much vowing she'd kick the shit out of my girlfriend if she ever saw her, and then telling me to "get the fuck out."
Even if I'm not barred. I'm very apprehensive about going back there for karaoke or open mic. Her response was way out of line and as far as I'm concerned I'm not coming back unless somebody apologizes, and that person isn't going to be me. Some of my karaoke friends are blaming my ex for this and telling me I should cut all contact with her, but in my eyes she did absolutely nothing wrong. Some of my other friends agree that the dog's nails are too long and really need clipping.
It's a shame because I met that dog and I really like him. Staffies and American bulldogs are like huge muscly and highly affectionate babies in terms of their temperament around people and this one is no exception.
Maybe this is a very delusional way of looking at things, but I've gone back into studying Neville Goddard and the Law of Assumption again (been reading through At Your Command and watching a lot of Be Something Wonderful videos.) A large part of me does genuinely believe in the Law and that I have manifested certain events into my life over the years, i.e. COVID, being gifted a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita, meeting people who also believe in the Law, the purchase of my flat falling through (and by extension my job loss), improving my singing voice, even a lady who I was attracted to snogging me six weeks ago. But it isn't something I have figured out how to control. If I could do that and live in the end with the life I want, I would be well and truly happy.
That's a long commute and an even longer day total; safe roads
It sure is. But the job market is so bad that even someone who has full AAT membership and is ACCA part-qualified like me is desperate enough to take crap like this.
Not great, honestly. But just pushing through. Taken much longer to move than originally planned, been without a job a lot longer than planned, and even then I still don't miss the mental health I was dealing with at the time and how leaving really helped. And now, with the country the way it is, tech the way it is (AI BS, etc), and the job market in general the way it is, it feels pretty damn hopeless. But I've still got my focus on some options. Getting moved is the big key thing. After that, I don't care if I'm working some simple middling-paying job packing boxes or stocking stuff in the back of a small business or whatever that just pays enough to get by- I don't mind a simple life, and I'll be closer to some family I want to be more near, and in a better place a number of ways.
Still yet, each week I'm making some progress towards the move and towards finishing this big life change "era" of my life, nearing 40 years old. Call it a midlife crisis or whatever if you must.
Despite that though, having hard time focusing and working on things I need to to actually get my ass moved and get out of where I am and all sorts of things. I'm finding it just very difficult to have the necessary function to do what needs done, and more quickly, and anxiety + doom (from the weight of all going on in the world, near and far) + etc etc etc a lot of it piles on top of me psychologically pretty quickly sometimes.
I just.. despite mentally/physically/etc being in a somewhat better place than I was in my last job, I've not been able to properly wrangle in my unemployed time properly, so I traded one kind of mental struggle for another. I'll eventually get through it and I have family/friends to stay in touch with to navigate this, but it sure has been a slog and will continue to be... and I just... hate how everything currently is about the world and society and the US, and all this.
The awfulness of the world is very real and very intimately and deeply affecting me more than it ever has before. I think it's because I've increased my awareness of what's going on by a lot, because compared to 15 years ago, my outlook on the world is much different, I know many more people affected by what is going on, and am affected in ways myself, despite my privilege, etc. It's far more "real" to me than it ever has been because I used privilege to ignore things for a long time, and it just so happens the years where I've become most plugged into it all, are years where it's really gotten bad (again)
So, overall, very much a metronome teetering between hopeless and hopeful, between feeling stalled and feeling movement, between sadness and a fire underneath my ass. It's just wild how far that pendulum swings from day to day.
I've felt the same way. I presume you are an American as well.
One of the big things I've struggled with is dealing with what I see as unnecessary cruelty. It feels as if we've slipped collectively into a state of destructive acts for no real purpose.
When I say no real purpose, I think the actions taken by some groups obviously serve an agenda, but they do not serve the greater will of Americans nor humanity in general.
I think maybe I'm rambling a bit here and commiserating with you, but you're not alone.
Seeing your comment, and others, brings me hope. Part of the despair I've felt has been around this collective "inaction" that everyone seems to be in, willingly or unwillingly. Comments like yours rejuvenate me a bit because it's clear that people that think and feel the way we do are able to overcome the hurdles life, and powerful entities have thrown at our society.
It is these small acts of sharing and reaching out that show me the human still exists.
I am. Yeah, and for many, especially a lot of those in power in the US, the cruelty is part of the point. Of course our country's history is filled to the brim with it- so in a lot of ways its nothing new, but there's a visceral closeness/realness that the cruelty has when it's extremely forward and overt and not even trying to hide itself behind any disguise. Our country has been in that kind of place before too, but the horror is very real when we're there again and its laughing right in our face, and with a very... peculiar / harsh / ignorant rhetoric to go along with it and when we see it hurting those we care for
Yes, part of the despair I feel daily is the inaction you speak of- because in the face of these massive problems, cruelty, and horrors backed by money and power- it feels pretty helpless a lot of the time- and I get it- the awfulness of the the entire social system (jobs, money, etc) that we're working in often saps our energy to the point it feels we don't have time or energy to do something to help
But, at other times, and I'm glad you got at least a small bit of it from my prior comment- I realize how many of us there are that do care and want to help things change and don't want to let the horrors overtake us- and that even now, in other countries, or the open seas, or in communities across the US- the power of the people can and has before overcome awful things and every day there are people doing what they feel they can. In a structure rigged against us, even if what you can do feels small, it can still chip away at the horrors.
And I think it's definitely good to remind ourselves (talking to myself a TON here), that a single donation to a local mutual aid group often can accomplish far more than a few hours of doomscrolling, or there are a million small ways, that even with limited time or resources, or very specific needs/abilities, people can find to take small actions for good- and the more of these millions of small good things that add up, the bigger our power gets. So even if you do something that feels insignificant, realize it's one small, important piece that makes up a massive collective movement for good things.
Hell, even if it's as simple as making art, or talking to a neighbor, or some small random act of kindness, or sharing knowledge and skills, or just finding moments of joy in spite of everything- every little bit helps because each bit of that is in direct opposition to what the cruel want. Finding community and like minds and helping others, and just building connections and, where reasonable/possible, hopefully that helps both pull some other people out of the horror and/or helps them see things in a new light, if they're reachable
I’ve been dealing with medical issues for about a month now and I’ve been miserable. In early September I went to urgent care with a suspected infection. They didn’t find anything and referred me to the hospital so they could make sure I wasn’t having a major health issue. I seemed to check out, but then had several health episodes that sent me back to the hospital two more times (and again, all my vitals were fine). Within the last week, my symptoms have lessened, but I’ve had pretty constant lightheadedness for 3 weeks now and my quality of life is poor, I haven’t been able to do much more than get groceries or take a walk down the block and back. I was getting multiple migraines (different from my usual ones), heart palpitations, and random pains kind of everywhere (though none are long lasting).
I’ve seen my Dr multiple times in addition to the hospital trips and we’re still not sure what it is. I’ve had a brain MRI, Lyme disease antibody tests (my symptoms line up with it partially, but I was negative), I’m currently wearing a heart monitor for another week, and I’m getting a heart ultrasound. We don’t think it’s heart issues, but we’re kind of trying to test a bunch of stuff as I’m still sick a month later.
It’s possible I have a disease rather than a condition, but I haven’t had a fever, been stuffed up, or anything like that all month and all my blood work has thus far checked out (I had even more blood tests done this morning I’m still waiting for results on). We are doing some testing for auto-immune stuff, iron levels, and electrolytes to see if it’s that. I did also lose 15lbs in the first 3 weeks of whatever this is, but have held my weight since then. We also did a thyroid cascade and nothing funny was found.
I’ve been trying to educate myself on a bunch of different health issues so that I can accurately describe to my doctors what I’m feeling. I’m trying to not self diagnose and as far as I know, there wasn’t anything specific that prompted all of this. The only thing close is that I bonked my head on the fridge door a week before this started, I was wondering if I had post concussion syndrome, though my doctor was doubtful as I haven’t had cognitive issues and while that bonk hurt, I was seemingly fine after a few minutes. As far as I was reading, there isn’t really treatment for that anyways if that is what happened.
At this point I just want to go back to normal. We’re trying various medications to see what helps with symptoms (trying duloxetine next as I do have at least some level of anxiety which could be making this worse).
Normal is nice indeed, I hope we make it back there soon
I have no suggestions but wanted to offer up that this all sounds very scary and stressful.
Not knowing the severity of it all must be mentally taxing.
I hope you're able to find peace, comfort and good health.
Thank you. I was prescribed sumatriptan a couple of weeks ago when this started to help with the migraine portion of this (I also do get recurring migraines in general). I was afraid to take it at first due to the possible side effects if you have cardiovascular issues and I didn't yet know if I was dealing with a cardiovascular issue, but I got to the point where I was so miserable this week that I just popped one last night. It absolutely nuked my migraine so I've at least been more comfortable today. I am not back to normal and still have some issues, but I also did intake at a chiropractor this week and they noticed I have some significant issues that they're going to start correcting on Monday and could be causing at least some of my symptoms. I'm not going to get my hopes up that I'll be instantly cured or cured at all, but it sure won't hurt at this point. I was doing a lot of weightlifting this year, so it wouldn't surprise me if I botched a lift at some point and put my neck out of whack and didn't realize it was the cause of some symptoms (or maybe hurt myself while moving a couple weeks before this started idk).
My partner is in the hospital with an infection (or several) and is being treated for possible sepsis. While there, my car was hit in the parking lot. This is on top of the diabetic cat, the kitten getting neutered, the furnace down payment, not having a safe furnace to run until the 3rd, brand new elevated liver enzymes on myself, losing SNAP next month, trying to get the house in some kind of order because it's just a mess, and playing chicken with my car's funky engine noises. And it feels like his hospitalization is my fault because my caregiver burnout showed up in me not nagging him to let me take care of him.
I want to scream. I have. But I just.... Like... It's honestly unbelievable. What did I do? Who did I piss off? I feel like I am juggling glass balls and the world keeps throwing more at me. And I just need them to stop. (´;︵;`)
I can't. I keep saying I can't and I keep spreading myself thinner and thinner and thinner to cover it all. And people have it so much worse than me but I just can't spread any thinner.
ETA: and I haven't eaten because my Adderall is fucking with my appetite but I'm starving.
Ever since I heard Bilbo say this in Fellowship Of The Ring, I understood what he meant.
It wasn't your fault: you're simply being made to do too much, like 5 pot lids trying to cover 8 boiling pots, then one of them boiled over.
I hope the SNAP thing gets resolved soon, that one is 100% not on you, you've done everything right to not be there and it makes me so angry that Americans are having to deal with this. (It's affecting us too but at least we have an adult in office).
For a second you made me doubt if I'd accidentally quoted Bilbo directly. But yeah, I think I was channeling him.
On the plus side the claim is started with the other person's insurance company and partner is coming home tomorrow if the stars align and home care can get started.
I'm just beat up emotionally and every new blow hits an existing bruise.
I hope your partner has a wonderful homecoming and a speedy and full recovery.
Thanks, he's moving from the progressive care unit (below ICU but not a regular floor) to a medical "regular" floor this evening so it's looking good for home tomorrow. 🤞
In today's episode of 'RaspCoffee is learning how to deal with radical self-love' we present to you: regulating positive emotions.
What? Positive emotions? Really? But they're good right? Well, as it turns out. Not necessarily. For one thing, my brain really isn't used to so many of them which is tiring to learn. But also, I noticed that unregulated it can lead to judgement, arrogance, and a few other things that, while it's not really happening as of yet because I catch it in advance, it's tiring to learn in your early 30s. Some of them are, I think, things people learn to regulate as a kid or teenager.
Paired with the occasional mourning of my previous 'life'(which happens much less now but still does from time to time), this has also caused a few emotional waves. Not quite like mood swings, but still, I'm less stable again. Oh, and I failed my drivers exam yesterday. Blergh.
Then there is one more thing. sigh I'm pretty sure I'm developing a crush on someone when I'm not sure yet whether it'd be even a good idea if we'd ever become a couple. I also recently learned that my last date(it didn't become a relationship but pretty close) affected me more negatively than I thought it did.
Fortunately I have a therapy session next week. While I was hoping for some EMDR I think I have enough on my plate for some other things because, man.
I was pretty good and pretty stable for the past few months to the point of boredom and seeking to do fun things.
I met a person recently and went on a date.
I have issues with romantic relationships because I can't get far enough before my brain and body reacts badly. So I've never been in a proper relationship.
I'm a lot better now, but I constantly have this feeling of fear deep in my chest and it's getting worse as the the days go on. I don't know how to handle it.
I've got headaches now. I tried meditating for an hour and it helped a little bit.
I don't know what to do.
Hey! Thank you for the reply. It does feel better knowing someone else has a similar problem.
I've been doing IFS in therapy. So when I meditated, I tried to observe the feeling in my body and figure out what I might get from it. But it just kept running to different parts of my body. So I don't know what the fear is yet! But I'm trying to listen.
You hang in there too! Thank you for being kind to me and I hope you're as kind to yourself.
Have you ever managed to get past it to get into a relationship?
I don't know...
My day to day is quite good, but the moment I think about it, it's not.
I have small fragile hopes that flutter around but the ocean of dread is still there ready to have its big dark waves crash in on me.
Most of the things that need to be done are still not done, but it's too boring to list everything here (although I finally managed to "report" here because I'm procrastinating making that list afk!), instead here is a tid, a bit and a tidbit around how I am and how I'm doing...
The tid: I'm trying to understand if the psychologist I have access to for free is worth meeting. I want her to be a stabilising part and firm hand in implementing ACT in my life, we'll see.
I have high hopes for ACT as it seems to be quite pragmatic and that looks to be very helpful for me. But as with everything it is hard for me to keep at it, and thus is where I hope the psychologist can help me.
The bit: A friend gave me some Elvanse to try. I'm not sure... I mean it feels like my brain calms down (like when I'm floating in cold water) and I can hold a thought better. It also feels like I can keep my decisions to do non-complex things better, like I make them and then I just do the thing without having to lean on the decision, flailing around doing other things, arguing with myself about why I'm doing the thing, etc, etc.
But it also seems like my whirlwind mind has been covering up some of the real weight of my depression, so there is that. Or maybe not depression but "heavy stuff" like I feel more things or maybe I feel the things more clearly and also I feel that the barrier that is depression is more obviously holding back lots and lots of crispier, less fuzzy feelings of sadness and grief.
Like I can somehow see that maybe I'm not as depressed as I think I'm just very, very sad. And that "depressed" actually means not able to sense your own feelings (which I also am and have been a lot), but that the clarity or stillness of using Elvanse removes some of the wet blanket that is depression and lets the real emotions and feeling to come forward.
I don't really know, but it is quite clear to me that I want to get real access to stimulants at least for a while to help clear stuff.
The tidbit: I started thinking about my dream job (there is a reason, but it's not important) and the only thing I could muster up was getting salaried for existing. That felt like a great idea and something fun to play with for a while... But then it struck me: that if I was going to get paid for existing there would be a non-zero chance of my killing myself in spite of that salary. I found that very funny. Like I both hate having a job that much and I'm also that much of a contrarian. A-maz-ing!
Finally, here you have it, as promised (to myself), my monthly report.
/fnulare
Hey you did a thing :) a checklist of one, especially with one checked off, is great. 100% tasks done, even.
I hope next month you'll come back with more tid and/or bits and that you find the right care
Thank you for reading and taking the time to reply.
This month I've really dived into some shit that is having me see that I really struggle with 2 things:
The saga continues, one day I might be able to think about myself and my life and be content. I look forward to that day!
This is my first time writing in this thread and I don't know why I only decided to write now other than I feel like I'm at the end of my rope so maybe jotting down my thoughts will help ease that a little.
I apologize if this is overly negative. Please do remove it if you feel it doesn't fit this thread. I'll put all of my rambling in collapsible section as a content warning. Honestly it's more just me putting my thoughts down than anything else. At the bottom is what's actually been going well for me that has helped me fight back some of the negativity.
Content warning: negativity, anger, suicidal thoughts
I turned 30 this year and I don't think I've ever felt like less of a human in my life than now.
I still live with my father and younger sister because I do not earn enough to afford rent in my country. The only way I can leave is if I date/marry someone that I can split rent with or find a roommate. But at a time when I can't even love myself, this is not something that's in the cards (nor do I want to saddle someone with my current state).
In all my life I have struggled to get anything done on time, an issue that has compounded over the years and led me to where I'm at now: barely able to have a consistent income and struggling to motivate myself to change any of it. I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD (something I only discovered at the age of 27 thanks to my friend who got diagnosed at 30) but I am still saving up to go to a psychiatrist and formally get myself examined and diagnosed so I won't assume this is true for the purposes of this text.
At 27 I developed severe tinnitus out of nowhere in the middle of the day, which massively altered my life and traumatized me for a good year before I got any semblance of a routine back. The cause is unknown, I don't have hearing loss (did all the tests) or any other factors that could have contributed to it, so it could have just been stress. Main point is: the silence I used to use to relax before is permanently gone, replaced by constant loud buzzing and whistling. I quite literally cannot sleep without something playing in the background (usually my white noise machine), but at least I can still sleep, something that wasn't true in the first year I got this condition.
All these factors have led me to spiral into depression over the course of time. I struggle very hard to find joy in anything I do. I cannot focus on anything for long periods of time, and my work life, despite me doing the job I dreamed of doing when I got into college (being a translator), is constantly held back by this. I've had almost a decade to advance my career, but because of my constant mental setbacks, I hamper myself and put myself down, thinking I don't deserve to be where I am or that I'm just not good enough to be with peers I look up to. Because of that, it took a good 6 or 7 years for me to even get properly started in my field and finally earn some semblance of a salary, but I still do not earn minimum wage (this might change soon, see bottom of the post).
If all this wasn't enough, I feel like I'm the black sheep of my family (well, I might be considering how unsuccessful I am compared to everyone around me) My father and sister do not treat me like I'm a human being worthy of respect. I don't know if they do it consciously or subconsciously, but whenever I bring up a personal opinion on any subject, 9 times out of 10 it is discarded with no valid argument given. I feel like I could argue as rationally as I can about any point I have and just be told I'm being stupid or everyone has different opinions or what have you. This isn't about politics, mind you, I don't even argue those. I'm talking, for example, how I think we should have a robust system for house chores so everyone always has chores assigned to them and the house can be tidy, but I'm told that's stupid and you should just clean/tidy something if you see it's out of place, nevermind that I'm the only person at home for most of the day so that would always fall on me. Or how I don't think we should have a dog because no one is willing to walk him everyday, but my sister begged my dad to have a dog so now we're stuck with one, a dog that is constantly locked in the kitchen and peeing and pooping everywhere, something I have to deal with constantly because no one is home most of the day, and I could go on ad infinitum.
What hurts the most is that my sister gets treated the opposite way. My father buys her whatever she asks, takes her wherever she wants to go no matter how unreasonable the request is, and does all her chores for her like cleaning her room which, despite me being the one constantly depressed, looks like one of those hoarders on reality TV. (my room isn't pristine by any means, I often struggle to clean the dust, but I don't have a week's worth of spoiled food in it like my sister does for example).
This has essentially led me to isolate myself as much as possible. If I speak to my father or sister about anything, just ask them to change something no matter how small, they'll simply put me down (either by deflecting to something I do that bothers them or plainly saying everyone works differently so I shouldn't criticize them) so why bother talking at all? I often spend entire days without saying a single word to anyone in my home, not even a greeting, because I don't want to risk having a conversation that will upset me. I literally sit at the dinner table with my family, quietly eat, and then leave without saying a word. I feel like a literal animal, but worse because at least our dog gets love and attention, even if no one ever takes him out on walks. I also avoid going to the kitchen because I'm so tired of dog pee and poop everywhere that no one wants to clean. I've essentially locked myself in my room most of the day and avoid sharing as much time as possible with anyone in my family because I feel like my head will explode with anger if I spend more than 10 minutes with any of them.
Needless to say these patterns have built into a deep-rooted anger that is now taking hold of me and making my emotional state even worse. I constantly have angry fantasies of revenge against my father (not violent revenge, I'm talking petty revenge because I fantasize about him knowing how neglected I feel), which I know is wrong and always rationalize myself out of, but it hurts how frequent they are now. I also more and more have suicidal thoughts, not as a way to escape the pain I feel but because I sometimes imagine how "awesome" it would be to get back at my father, which is genuinely disturbing when I catch myself doing it. How pathetic I feel that even in my suicidal thoughts I'm not doing something for myself, but to spite someone else. How can this one person have so much control over my emotions? (and no, I don't really have much hatred for my sister because she was literally raised to be like this. Anyone would end up spoiled if their father never told them no)
My mother is separated from my father and lives elsewhere in case anyone is wondering. I would consider her somewhat of an ally because she does listen to me and shows concern, but she has way too much stress in her life for me to burden her even more with my problems. I'd say she's in a similar position to me but just different circumstances. Whenever I'm with her she's constantly being angry and rambling about how poorly her life is going, so I choose to stay quiet around her to not compound her anger or mine. If anything, I have learned more and more why she got away from my father, because I too can't live with someone who gives so little of a crap about anything or anyone around them.
That's the most frustrating part, too. My father is the type of person who just doesn't care about anything no matter what. He is an eternal fence sitter that would rather maintain his poor lifestyle at home than to admit anything, no matter how small, needs to change. He's not physically abusive or anything, he's just impossible to move in any direction that's not the status quo, so I'm forced to deal with the same status quo no matter how much it hurts me. The only person that can move him is my sister, but she has a cushy life thanks to him so obviously she's not going to lift a finger.
Here's a prime example: I'm overweight and am trying my best to eat healthy so I can maintain a stable caloric deficit, but whenever I ask my father to buy anything to help with my diet, since he usually is the one grocery shopping (and I'm not talking an expensive meat substitute, I'm talking stuff like chicken breasts instead of beef hamburgers), he just ignores the request, often saying he forgot. Meanwhile he always makes sure to stock on endless boxes of cookies and bottles of sugary drinks for my sister without her even asking, which is making my weight loss journey worse due to cravings. This has essentially resulted in me giving up cooking healthy meals for myself because I can't afford to feed myself fully every month and need to rely on my father's income, which I obviously can't force him to spend the way I want to so my only choice is to plead, which falls on deaf ears. My father and sister both have very physically active lives so they can eat all this high calorie stuff and be skinny forever, but I am always home so I need to pay more attention to what I eat, yet my health concerns mean nothing to anyone but myself.
So that's the gist of my life at present, a never ending cycle of hatred and helplessness, and the general feeling that I'm not even seen as a human being by those around me and more of an object or burden that's in the way.
I know the only solution at this point is to remove myself from this house and find solace by myself, something I am very much eager to do, but I don't have the financial means to at the moment. I'm terrified that if I even so much as open up to my father about this I'll snap and he'll kick me out of the house which will set me back even more. So that's why I'm here venting instead. Thankfully, at the ripe age of 30, I have finally taken one small step toward progress. (see below)
This is the positive that's happened in my life: 2 weeks ago I was finally able to return to consistent language studying, a habit I dropped like 5 years ago. I am finally acquiring new skills that will improve my job prospects and hoping to maintain this rhythm until I can apply for a language certificate that I've always dreamed of having (I considered it a milestone in my career because it very much is, but my inattentive brain always let the goal slip)
It all started with creating a small habit every day: just pick up the book and read. Eventually it turned into a habit that I feel like I can't do without, which feels awesome. I thought I couldn't get such a routine back. I haven't felt this excited about my own career path in years. Of course, I still sometimes feel like putting the book down, but through some clever tricks like learning to put my phone down and blocking access to it, turning off my computer, and even studying outside with no distractions, have helped a lot.
I also finally managed to somewhat convince myself that my skills are real and even if I'm not the best in my industry I shouldn't put my worth down. So I've applied to more jobs, which has resulted in an interview that may finally lead me to earning a minimum wage. This might seem worthless to many reading, and I'm aware that this is a very low bar, but I have never earned this much in my life so I am very excited to finally start going somewhere.
I'm hoping that by the start of next year I will at least be at a point where I can support myself instead of feeling so helpless, since those around me don't seem to care for me. It still hurts right now since I'm not there yet, but I'm doing my best to put up with the situation and try to calm myself each day so I can get through this rocky road.
I read your box as well and hooo boy. Hang in there, you'll get out one day soon when you keep doing what you shared here today. A lot of what you said reminds me of what I heard folks say from subreddits such as CPTSD, raisedbynarcissists, and EstrangedAdultKids.
You're doing a great job, showing resiliency, giving yourself time to heal, and setting your sights on becoming independent. :) you're going to do great!
It's okay to take many many steps and re-re-re-re attempts :D I do too! We only stop when we stop trying again.
Unfortunately, and despite my best efforts, not much has changed since I last wrote on this subject.
While I'm thankful I have one at all, I feel things have run their course at my current job. I feel stagnant and it's starting to wear on me. I had a promising opportunity come up recently but I blew the interview—it wasn't terrible, but evidently not good enough to land the role. I'm still looking for something else but unsure it'll go anywhere.
I took up swimming again last year and managed to make a habit of it—well, mostly, since I've neglected to attend regularly for the past two months or so. It did help quite a bit in bettering my overall health. I lost some weight and am on my way to looking shredded again. Despite this, I still deal with some chronic pain and the ocassional flare-up can be a bit jarring. I haven't really come to terms with the fact that I'll have to deal with this in some capacity for the rest of my life.
I reenrolled in school in an attempt to finish my degree, the introduction of AB 91 allowed me to try and finish my course of studies from when I was still stateside remotely. Unfortunately I ran out of steam quickly and stopped attending classes. I have to enroll again next semester or I'll be dropped for good.
As you might surmise from the above, I'm trying to get back on the horse but I still can't shake this feeling. I've been running on empty for so long and I can't keep my head above water. I fear the damage is done, that this is just the unavoidable consequence of spending the better part of my formative years in near total isolation, sick in bed, bouncing around from place to place and with nothing to keep me company but a pipe or a bottle. Embarrasingly, it seems the thing that continues to cut deepest is feeling alone and unknown.
I haven't exactly made any strides towards forming meaningful bonds of any kind. The few people I meet through work or at the pool are far older. I gave a half-hearted attempt at online dating but I think I would rather be shot than subject myself to the experience. It got bad enough to where I had to resort to less than ideal measures and eventually resolved to get serviced by a hooker, thus beginning a questionable habit that is still somewhat in play. Oddly enough, I don't exactly regret it and I think I've learned a thing or two from it. But, of course, I'd rather put it behind me. It's beginning to wear on me, and my wallet too a bit.
Ultimately, I'm just straight up lost. I don't know how to move this forward, at all. I feel like I'm bleeding out, not worth a dime and dying all the time. It feels like I've discovered something lonelier than death. I know better than to believe that happiness is anything but fleeting, but surely the sun has to shine down upon us every once in a while? God fucking damn it, I just want to rest.
:< there must be so, so, so many people feeling alone and isolated, and running on fumes without much positive experiences that human beings need
In all of history, humanity didn't move around very much, and people grew up with large extended families of all ages. This last century, especially in North America, not only do we see nuclear family having moved for jobs be the norm, we also see single parenthood and 1-2 kids, friebds who move apart for college, who spent their whole lives where age segregationis the norm.
Your generations have unique challenges that humanity has never faced before, and our older institutions have failed / are failing, and our leaders are selfish, reckless and feckless.
What I'm trying to say is, when a single microscopic organism is placed onto a culture plate that doesn't have medium which promotes life and growth, there isn't any blame on the organism suffering and not growing like it would have on a better culture medium.