For what it's worth, as a hetero woman, the most satisfying sex I've had was with a guy who was smaller than most of the men I've been with. He was great at knowing how to read my signals and...
For what it's worth, as a hetero woman, the most satisfying sex I've had was with a guy who was smaller than most of the men I've been with. He was great at knowing how to read my signals and build the experience up, and it really didn't make much difference that he wasn't as big. If anything, the bigger guys can make it painful at times. I was really sad to read this and imagine all the insecurity that some guys are dealing with.
Cosigning this as a queer woman-ish. I've also never sat around and mocked men for their bodies with women as described here. This is entirely foreign to my experience. Have I discussed partners...
Cosigning this as a queer woman-ish.
I've also never sat around and mocked men for their bodies with women as described here. This is entirely foreign to my experience. Have I discussed partners with friends? Yes. But like not like that.
I've been mocked by (ex for a reason) partners. Literally have experienced pointing and laughing, and it feels like you'd expect. Thankfully, I have also had truly wonderful partners to...
I've been mocked by (ex for a reason) partners. Literally have experienced pointing and laughing, and it feels like you'd expect. Thankfully, I have also had truly wonderful partners to counterbalance the awfulness, but man, it's rough out there, and it sounds like it's even worse nowadays than it was when I was young.
Mostly it breaks my heart seeing people being so awful to one another.
Oh I've been treated horribly and mocked by exes and others and I don't doubt that there are horrible people in general, it's just not a universal "all women do this" experience and it felt worth...
Oh I've been treated horribly and mocked by exes and others and I don't doubt that there are horrible people in general, it's just not a universal "all women do this" experience and it felt worth noting.
Shitty people suck, assholes suck, but not letting that turn us bitter and cruel in return is the part we have control over.
Oh, most definitely. To be clear, I wasn't trying to counter anything you were saying, I agree with you. I've been lucky enough to have some absolutely amazing women in my life who would never,...
Oh, most definitely. To be clear, I wasn't trying to counter anything you were saying, I agree with you. I've been lucky enough to have some absolutely amazing women in my life who would never, ever be hurtful in this manner.
I think you make a valid point that not everyone is like that, and it's true. But when you lead with that, the feeling I get is similar to when people make the "not all men" style comments. Which...
I think you make a valid point that not everyone is like that, and it's true. But when you lead with that, the feeling I get is similar to when people make the "not all men" style comments. Which is usually meant to add nuance, but functionally it can feel dismissive of the broader point.
I don’t think that’s what you meant, but that’s how it came across to me.
I'm curious why my comment(s) were a concern but the comment I was replying to up top wasn't? When I initially saw this thread it was just in "life" not in "life.men". I "lead" with agreeing with...
I'm curious why my comment(s) were a concern but the comment I was replying to up top wasn't?
When I initially saw this thread it was just in "life" not in "life.men". I "lead" with agreeing with that previous post about how my male partners have been men with smaller penises who paid attention during sex and didn't think they could do everything with their dicks. And then I wanted to add in that shit-talking partners' bodies is not a universal "womens" experience.
Since a lot of the conversation in the article referenced perception of how other people perceive penis size, I wanted to share some insight that maybe alleviated some of that anxiety that every woman was doing this. I'm not trying to exonerate shitty women or shitty people in general. I'm explicitly not invalidating experiences.
As I said, I thought it was worth noting, and I when I posted this was not the top thread, and I wasn't replying initially to a guy or denying his experiences or anything like that. I tried to make it clear that I've also experienced that sort of bullying too and that I try to make sure I don't become a bitter human over it.
(Also in the comment you're replying to, I didn't gender my "exes" and thus people in general because my exes aren't all men.)
I think women have been saying this on the internet for as long the internet has existed. Unfortunately, most men are living up to standards set by a society run by a select few. (Which is not to...
I think women have been saying this on the internet for as long the internet has existed. Unfortunately, most men are living up to standards set by a society run by a select few. (Which is not to say women don't participate in shaming or pressure.)
Making people feel insecure has been a huge money maker in our society for a very long time. If I knew the fix for that, it would be the same fix for a lot of other shit too.
This is what really gets me. I've been too big for a couple of women (because vaginas are also different sizes) and it's not a good time for anybody involved. I would HATE to have a porn size...
If anything, the bigger guys can make it painful at times
This is what really gets me. I've been too big for a couple of women (because vaginas are also different sizes) and it's not a good time for anybody involved. I would HATE to have a porn size penis.
It really is funny how much toxic masculinity gets pointed as coming from women by some men, when most women don't actually care about it. Not to say no woman cares about those things (eg size queens certainly exist), but it's a subset and the ones barking about it are other men.
It's especially funny of how they turn stuff women care about as "only other women care about that" as if stuff men care about isn't stuff only other men care about.
And it's not to say women can't be toxic or don't also support the patriarchy or what have you. The anxiety described here about penis size absolutely resonates with the constant "am I fat"...
And it's not to say women can't be toxic or don't also support the patriarchy or what have you. The anxiety described here about penis size absolutely resonates with the constant "am I fat" anxiety as a teenager, the eyeing other girls' bodies to compare their development to your own, the stress over the existence of breasts and whether they're "too flat" or "too big" (because all you got for that was harassment". And other people (I'm kind of tired of binarying it) were a huge part of that, whether you were called a slut for having large breasts, a fat ass for having the slightest tummy pooch, etc.
One of the nice things body positivity culture did was press back on all of that, penis size, body size, body shape, height,etc. But by throwing it out the window as "encouraging obesity" it's just reopened the entire door of scrutiny as acceptable. Most of which day to day is intragender not intergender IME. But we as a society decided that discouraging body shaming was "gay" or some such, and thus instead one should listen to a bunch of guys talk about how women only want chads and thus you need to ballsmaxx and mog and whatever. (Meanwhile my area of the internet wants you to put the man in a white poofy shirt and drench him Mr Darcy style I guess? )
My friends don't talk about people being short, or having small penises or large or sagging breasts or as mentioned in the article whether women are "run through". There's a level of immaturity there that I escape with age now, but also I just refuse to be around shitty people. And I date far less now in part because I don't want to deal with having to screen people for a variety of shitty things. I am lucky to have a partner who would never, even before he was paralyzed. (And of all his childhood/young adult guy friends with stupid redneck nicknames the only one related to penis size is given complimentarily not derogatorily. Take that for whatever it's worth.) But also if he wasn't like this he wouldn't be my partner.
100% to everything but just emphasizing this point to. Like, shitty people are shitty so stop being around them It makes me think of the red pill/PUA community, who would use vapid techniques for...
There's a level of immaturity there that I escape with age now, but also I just refuse to be around shitty people.
100% to everything but just emphasizing this point to. Like, shitty people are shitty so stop being around them
It makes me think of the red pill/PUA community, who would use vapid techniques for vapid reasons was only able to attract vapid women...and their takeaway is that all women are vapid rather than that "seduction techniques" are terrible if you actually want a good partner
Male stuff is just a harder issue for me because it annoys me how much crying there is about how there are no male spaces or male support groups and such...and as someone who has been a part of many/tried to start them and they all fall a part because of lack of participation, it's hard not to be bitter with "well where the fuck were you?"
You couldn't get me into such a group without sedating me first. Why would I want to cut off access to the gender that provides at least half of my best friends to sit with the one that bullied me...
Male stuff is just a harder issue for me because it annoys me how much crying there is about how there are no male spaces or male support groups and such...and as someone who has been a part of many/tried to start them and they all fall a part because of lack of participation, it's hard not to be bitter with "well where the fuck were you?"
You couldn't get me into such a group without sedating me first. Why would I want to cut off access to the gender that provides at least half of my best friends to sit with the one that bullied me at school? I have a couple of friends into men's circles and whatnot, and OK, you do you, but for me there's nothing mysterious about being a man that I can't talk to my friends about regardless of their gender. I suspect my attitude is not uncommon and really cuts down the cohort any start up group can pull from.
Then there's all the issues around the men that really need to talk to someone about what's in their head but won't talk to anyone, who grew up with someone else organising their life for them and resent having to do any emotional work at all.
I agree emphatically and I reckon the effect of that kind of environment is subtle and lasts a long time. Once sunk in it really takes the sting out of appearance anxiety. I regularly spend time...
I agree emphatically and I reckon the effect of that kind of environment is subtle and lasts a long time. Once sunk in it really takes the sting out of appearance anxiety.
I regularly spend time in a sauna (shorts on but still around a lot of almost undressed people) and have been to numerous clothing optional festivals. The sauna gets all types but there's a much higher percentage of people who are young, work out a lot and take the right substances to look absolutely amazing (FTR I am in none of those categories) and I suspect if you were a 20 year old bloke and anxious about your body it might not be the place to be. Gyms might be even worse but I couldn't say for sure.
The festivals on the other hand... No one is there to work on their body, any kind of body you can think of you will see all of. Any age of body as well. In the end it stops being novel and bodies become a kind of average thing, mostly like the one you have. This happens even if you keep your clothes on. Then after four days in the bush without any way to really groom properly, any beauty routine anyone came with has long departed, which only adds to the leveling effect. I think everyone should go and do something like this at least three times in their twenties, we'd have a lot less body based bullshit in life.
Honestly I've found the gym (a couple university gyms, a snap fitness, and most recently my local planet fitness) to be a pretty body affirming space. There's people of all ages and body shapes...
Honestly I've found the gym (a couple university gyms, a snap fitness, and most recently my local planet fitness) to be a pretty body affirming space. There's people of all ages and body shapes that work out regularly at mine. I feel like before I started going I had this idea that the gym was filled with shredded people and it would feel weird being a not super athletic person.
Nope! It's been pretty motivating to be around lots of people all just doing their best and trying to take care of themselves. I'm sure there's judgy gyms out there, but I've personally not encountered one. Like so many spaces, people mostly seem to want to do their thing and mind their business.
Are there some absolutely gorgeous people there? Yes, but it's not the majority. Lots of average folks which I think is really nice.
What are “vegan” powerlifters? I know what vegan mean but the quotes and juxtaposition to roids make me wonder if it doesn’t mean something else than it seems?
What are “vegan” powerlifters? I know what vegan mean but the quotes and juxtaposition to roids make me wonder if it doesn’t mean something else than it seems?
Vegan is slang for powerlifters that use performance-enhancing drugs. Usually steroids like testosterone or HGH. In the UK, the common term for testosterone is "gear" afaik. If a powerlifter with...
Vegan is slang for powerlifters that use performance-enhancing drugs. Usually steroids like testosterone or HGH. In the UK, the common term for testosterone is "gear" afaik.
If a powerlifter with a thick neck or large gut says they're vegan, they might not be abstaining from animal products. Someone might also ask if a lifter is vegan, inquiring whether they're on T (testosterone).
Perhaps as an ironic joke about unbelievable gains. Many people believe that gaining muscle is impossible on a plant based diet. Saying you're vegan and huge is harder to believe. In reality, it's...
Perhaps as an ironic joke about unbelievable gains. Many people believe that gaining muscle is impossible on a plant based diet. Saying you're vegan and huge is harder to believe.
In reality, it's totally possible to make huge gains as a vegan by focusing on high-quality proteins.
Another guess is that vegan lifters are more likely to take performance-enhancing drugs for physique to further boost their social media clout ("he's vegan and ripped 😍").
I don't know why I read this. I'm happily married so basically a non issue for me. I get that porn is the only reference point most men have, but I also know that most male porn stars are...
I don't know why I read this. I'm happily married so basically a non issue for me.
I get that porn is the only reference point most men have, but I also know that most male porn stars are basically just there to supply a giant, functioning cock and little else. I certainly never worried that mine wasn't as massive as a pornstar.
I guess I'm probably lucky to be an elder millennial. I grew up right before social media became a thing, so I assume that probably helped me avoid being fucked up on all this. I assume this is an extension of looksmaxxing. The part in the article about caring about size over performance seems to reinforce that. I guess we should just add this to the ever growing list of reasons to ban social media, if not for everyone then at least for kids.
On being an elder millennial, I'm happy that in hindsight, the only place you'd get answers about dick size, cut, acceptability was from your friends or your partners face to face. You weren't...
On being an elder millennial, I'm happy that in hindsight, the only place you'd get answers about dick size, cut, acceptability was from your friends or your partners face to face.
You weren't reading authorless posts proclaiming to know everything, you weren't watching videos of people who look like your crush berating people like you for something you can't control.
Ultimately, you weren't alone in the same way. IRL is the key, GenZ. IRL is the key.
I mean as an elder millennial all my friends were definitely lying about how big their penises were. Honestly that's where I started having anxiety about my penis, before easily accessible porn...
I mean as an elder millennial all my friends were definitely lying about how big their penises were. Honestly that's where I started having anxiety about my penis, before easily accessible porn was even a thing.
Male self reported penis size is just like self reported height size, fabricated.
I’m going to agree with the common opinion here. The solution to this is to renormalize men being naked together. I had horrible body image issues. Heck, I still did. But do you know the thing...
I’m going to agree with the common opinion here. The solution to this is to renormalize men being naked together.
I had horrible body image issues. Heck, I still did. But do you know the thing that has helped me out the most? Just taking a shower at the gym. I’m still changing under my towel because if I don’t I’d literally be the only one fully nude, but just being naked in a public space, even if in a way nobody will really see it, is incredibly freeing. All of those voices in my head full of self-doubt got quiet and I was able to start loving myself.
When it comes to dicks themselves I also thought I had a small one, but I recently was told that it was big. Boy did that blow my mind. If I stayed in my little box I would have thought that way for the rest of my life. But frankly even if I hadn’t been told that, I would have still been so much better able to cope with my insecurities by simply being honest and open about it.
Sorry, but this is absurd. The first time I've felt insanely objectified (and all manner of gross) is when I've visited a gay club with a "get naked to avoid paying the entry fee" deal. I suppose...
The solution to this is to renormalize men being naked together.
Sorry, but this is absurd. The first time I've felt insanely objectified (and all manner of gross) is when I've visited a gay club with a "get naked to avoid paying the entry fee" deal. I suppose I was mighty naive, but since I've already been a participant of naturist community for a while I didn't see a big deal. Even at the entrance there were plenty of comments regarding my endowment and it only got worse from there (I suppose that's when I truly experienced feeling gross from supposed compliments). Do we agree that these are definitely men used to seeing other men naked?
Every girlfriend I've had commented on it, and their exes in comparison, basically every hookup. I've seen my best buddy (who "isn't so lucky", but doesn't give a hoot himself) get mistreated by women over it, with some attempt to hide the reaction sure, but it's there. But you don't need to take my word for it, because "small dick energy" or "compensating" are socially acceptable insults whereas even something like "bitch" isn't. See also making fun of men's height. I don't know why every single time any such topic is discussed, womens' role in it is just completely ignored. I don't think porn and male nudity comfort level are the main issue, I think womens' reactions are and at this point frankly I really want women to take responsibility for something happening in western society.
Additionally, this topic (among other things) really made me sure that progressives really do not care about cis males, like at all, and it's free game to be sexist against them. I see this in queer/LGBT communities all the time, but nobody can ever speak up about it.
Sorry for kind of stealing the conversation and ranting about my own personal stuff, I might be a bit too emotional about this.
Women aren't a collective consciousness, just like men aren't. Blaming "women" or "men" for any manner of things wrong with society doesn't make any sense, because there are men that contribute to...
Women aren't a collective consciousness, just like men aren't. Blaming "women" or "men" for any manner of things wrong with society doesn't make any sense, because there are men that contribute to the problem, just as there are women that contribute to the problem as well. Women as a whole aren't responsible for body shaming men, just as men as a whole aren't responsible for sexism against women. Certain men and certain women contribute to both of these problems to varying degrees.
Part of what I can't stand about this gender war nonsense is how reductive and oversimplified it is. I don't think it's ok to make fun of men's height, or women's weight, or men's penis size, or women's vulva shape, and both women and men do both of these things, but they shouldn't. I mean, even in your story, it was other men objectifying you, not women. I've heard many guys call other men little dicked as an insult, I'm sure you have too.
I do agree with you though, and all of what I said kinda goes along with that, that it's not fair that cis men are punching bags that are supposed to be ok with whatever you say about them because they have privilege. Cis men aren't the patriarchy, they're not sexism, they're not homophobia. There are women who enforce the patriarchy, there are sexist women, and there are homophobic gay people. They're society wide problems, so it doesn't make sense to single out one group as responsible for all of them, especially when the groundwork for those problems was laid down generations before any of us were ever born.
I mean I agree with everything you said in theory, but after years and years and years of being blamed for sexism, patriarchy, discrimination, being privileged, being told you must speak up or...
I mean I agree with everything you said in theory, but after years and years and years of being blamed for sexism, patriarchy, discrimination, being privileged, being told you must speak up or else you're just as bad, toxic masculinity, that "not all men" is just an excuse, I just feel like this nuance is completely absent from the broader conversation up until we start talking about the ways in which women are privileged or in which men are discriminated against. And then suddenly the nuance is found. A lot of the time it seems like it is absolutely impossible to have women, whether as a category or as individuals, to be responsible for anything. I am pretty sure even statistically young women are way ahead of young men in plethora of ways, but even though back when it was the opposite the conversation was "men should fix it", the conversation now is still "men should fix it".
I don't know, maybe it's just my personal experience and doesn't reflect the world one bit, but even in queer spaces it seems like what was once a push towards equality and acceptance (obviously good things) has turned into "those cis men am I right?" attitude that automatically invalidates any cis man individually. It just overall makes for a very bleak world where everything seems to be my fault and I should find a way to deal with it and to please understand, it is simply because of how 90% of criminals and creeps are men. I thought we weren't supposed to be using statistics that way, and yet...
Honestly, I hate to say it, but that whole feeling you have of women not being held responsible for anything is also due to patriarchy. I fully agree with your stance that the whole equality thing...
Honestly, I hate to say it, but that whole feeling you have of women not being held responsible for anything is also due to patriarchy. I fully agree with your stance that the whole equality thing has been weaponized by some people, some of them women, to totally absolve them of shitty things they do. At its core though, the idea that women are innocent angels that can do no wrong is a sexist prejudice perpetuated by patriarchal ideas about female purity.
As far as being part of a privileged class, well, I think that's entirely misinterpreted as well, and at this point the concept may also be doing more harm than good in the general public. In theory, it makes sense. It's the idea that based on this one aspect, if all other things about two people were entirely equal, the one who is part of the privileged class has more overall power in society. There are obviously already problems there (how do you define and measure power, for instance?), but the idea is sound. The problem comes in when people misinterpret that idea to mean "if you're part of a privileged class, your life is better than anyone who isn't" which is obviously complete bullshit.
The white guy begging for money on the corner every day is very obviously less privileged than Beyonce.
Overall though, I think I'd say that you may want to reframe how you think about men and women and stop thinking about them as unified blocs, and instead as individuals, because every man and every woman's view are unique on everything, including gender dynamics.
Try not to associate with people who buy into the gender war paradigm, whether they're men or women, because regardless of their true intentions, they're really not making things better for anyone, and it really leads down a dark rabbit hole.
Women are not immune from being assholes. In my experience, asshole women are exactly as common as asshole men, and both are way more common you'd hope. But assholes are still just a portion of...
Every girlfriend I've had commented on it, and their exes in comparison, basically every hookup. I've seen my best buddy (who "isn't so lucky", but doesn't give a hoot himself) get mistreated by women over it...
Women are not immune from being assholes. In my experience, asshole women are exactly as common as asshole men, and both are way more common you'd hope.
But assholes are still just a portion of the overall population (I'd estimate around 10-15%), although they tend to be noisy and pushy, so their influence is outsize.
But if you make an effort to notice asshole behavior (including when it's not just directed at yourself) and religiously excise people from your life who exhibit it, you can do a pretty good job of leading a nearly asshole-free life.
I've definitely met a number of women who talk about sex partners like that, but if I overhear a woman do that even one time, even if it's pretty mild, she will never be in any social circle of mine. And anyone who hangs out with her is pretty suss in my book, too. My friends and I have a strictly zero tolerance for that kind of behavior.
I recommend you adopt the same policy. You really don't have to put up with it (unless you exhibit it yourself, of course), so don't.
If you're worried that will leave you date-less, consider that you're likely closing the door on a lot of potential relationships by dating women who other women regard as assholes.
Personally, I have always had a policy of never dating men who have a history of repeatedly dating women I don't like. I tend to assume that if someone is into partners who mistreat them or badmouth them, it's because they think that's acceptable relationship behavior and will probably treat me the same way. (Plus, I don't want to deal with anyone's assholes exes, and I don't want to feel like the Nice Girl a guy finally settles for after he's been burnt a few too many times by the assholes he's actually attracted to; I strongly prefer dating men who demonstrate a consistent attraction to women like me.)
Does it bother you that even in this situation you are putting the responsibility on the man to do something about it? Perhaps even blaming me for dating these terrible asshole women (by the way,...
Does it bother you that even in this situation you are putting the responsibility on the man to do something about it? Perhaps even blaming me for dating these terrible asshole women (by the way, they absolutely weren't uniquely terrible, that's quite an assumption) that absolutely do not represent the 85-90% of the good women?
If you're worried that will leave you date-less, consider that you're likely closing the door on a lot of potential relationships by dating women who other women regard as assholes.
Why would you even say such a thing? How did you come to such a conclusion?
You are a man, so I assume that's why she gave advice that puts the responsibility on the man in this scenario. You don't have control over what other people do, you only have control over how you...
You are a man, so I assume that's why she gave advice that puts the responsibility on the man in this scenario.
You don't have control over what other people do, you only have control over how you react. Because of that, advice is always going to put responsibility on the person that's being advised. It doesn't make sense for someone to say "this is what those women should do", because those women aren't reading the post.
I would like you to really think about how somebody saying "just stop dating these asshole men, I don't do those things and not all men do" in response to a post by a woman saying how men treat...
I would like you to really think about how somebody saying "just stop dating these asshole men, I don't do those things and not all men do" in response to a post by a woman saying how men treat her poorly would go.
In women's spaces, even those that are arguably overly permissive/accepting of bad behavior on the part of women who post there like r/GirlDinnerDiaries, this exact sentiment is extremely common...
In women's spaces, even those that are arguably overly permissive/accepting of bad behavior on the part of women who post there like r/GirlDinnerDiaries, this exact sentiment is extremely common and expressed pretty damn openly. "I don't do those things and not all men do" would be less acceptable both because it's unnecessarily centering yourself in someone else's issues (in a way that the comments you're replying to are not doing imho) and due to the extremely extensive history of misogynistic men using similar rhetoric to dismiss women altogether when they try to advocate for combatting the misogynistic abuse and violence they have experienced in our society on a systemic level. But "throw that whole man out and don't date guys who treat you like that, raise your standards" is overwhelmingly common and accepted even in spaces that are dedicated to being supportive to women.
Frankly, I think more or less an exact copy of @RoyalHenOil's comment with the genders swapped would be met with an overwhelmingly positive response in such spaces, assuming it was offered in an appropriate context in which advice was solicited/welcome in the first place.
I think that would be pretty solid advice with some more nuance, and it's advice that women often get. "Men should stop being assholes" isn't advice, because its not actionable by the person...
I think that would be pretty solid advice with some more nuance, and it's advice that women often get.
"Men should stop being assholes" isn't advice, because its not actionable by the person receiving it. The only actual, useful advice in any situation, are suggestions of what you can do differently.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to suggest that you're at fault for being mistreated. I was hoping to be encouraging — to say that you don't have to put up it. You can hold the women you date to a higher...
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to suggest that you're at fault for being mistreated. I was hoping to be encouraging — to say that you don't have to put up it. You can hold the women you date to a higher standard and still have a very rich and varied dating life, if that's what you want.
For what it's worth, I've repeatedly given the same advice (and far more) to women in my life. Probably unsurprisingly, I actually have a lot more experience giving dating advice to women than to men. The exact same issues apply — including the problem that a whole lot of men actively avoid dating women who give the impression that they're attracted to assholes. (Which is very fair. Nobody wants to feel settled for.)
You should really specify what exactly do you mean by this because I'm afraid I'm making assumptions and those assumptions are making me really angry. So, what exactly do you mean when you say...
You can hold the women you date to a higher standard and still have a very rich and varied dating life, if that's what you want.
You should really specify what exactly do you mean by this because I'm afraid I'm making assumptions and those assumptions are making me really angry. So, what exactly do you mean when you say "hold the women you date to a higher standard and still have a very rich and varied dating life"?
Because, coupled with what you said prior, it sounds like you're trying to say that women I'm dating are in the bottom 10-15% of uniquely asshole-ish women and my standards are so low that I'm actively allowing this to happen, and I guess even seeking out such individuals (unless you mean to say I'm so unlucky as to roll 10-15% odds many times in my life).
What I mean is that if a woman is acting like an asshole, you can dump her and cut her out of your life. In my experience, a lot of people (both men and women) tolerate asshole behavior because...
What I mean is that if a woman is acting like an asshole, you can dump her and cut her out of your life. In my experience, a lot of people (both men and women) tolerate asshole behavior because they have this idea that "that's just what men are like" or "that's just what women are like" because, for whatever reason (maybe it's the social circle they're in, or where they go to meet people to date, or the vibes they're giving off without realizing it, or something else), they're in a dating rut and keep finding themselves with people with the same personality flaws.
You've just repeated yourself. What exactly is the asshole behavior that you saw me talking about in my post that you felt like only 10-15% of women engage in that I somehow keep coming across...
You've just repeated yourself. What exactly is the asshole behavior that you saw me talking about in my post that you felt like only 10-15% of women engage in that I somehow keep coming across because I'm "in a dating rut"?
This: I've only overheard two women talk like this, and they were women I already had a very low opinion of due to prior abusive behavior and tolerance of other people's abuse. I see all kinds of...
This:
Every girlfriend I've had commented on it, and their exes in comparison, basically every hookup. I've seen my best buddy (who "isn't so lucky", but doesn't give a hoot himself) get mistreated by women over it...
I've only overheard two women talk like this, and they were women I already had a very low opinion of due to prior abusive behavior and tolerance of other people's abuse. I see all kinds of nonsense like this on the internet, but in real life, I have found this specific behavior to be very rare: much more rare than 10-15%. (My 10-15% estimate was for asshole behavior in general, not for any one specific behavior.)
Porn has gotten a lot more ubiquitous for young people. They're watching more of it and at a younger age than they did even 10 years ago. An interesting development is that young women are...
Porn has gotten a lot more ubiquitous for young people. They're watching more of it and at a younger age than they did even 10 years ago. An interesting development is that young women are watching much more porn than before, which now makes men victims of the porn-induced expectations that used to only primarily affect women.
It also seems that porn has gotten more extreme than it was relatively recently. I don't know if it's consumers or the companies pushing it, but you see more members that are clearly prosthetic or surgical. Even on the amateur side, it's gotten more extreme. A solidly above average guy, according to the studies, would be tiny if porn, either professional or amateur, were your only reference.
So my best guess is that a Samantha-type is a sex and the city reference? Whatever the case, the article and this quote paints a picture of a bunch of dudes who have no sense of what average dicks...
A girlfriend, a sexually active Samantha type, recently observed to me that men have gotten so sensitive that you can’t even compliment their size anymore.
“They see all these gigantic dicks in porn, and 50 percent of the time if I say ‘Your dick is so big,’ they just get insecure.”
Last year, a man screamed “You’re lying!” and left the bedroom when I did the same.
So my best guess is that a Samantha-type is a sex and the city reference?
Whatever the case, the article and this quote paints a picture of a bunch of dudes who have no sense of what average dicks look like, and what it leads me to wonder is what do locker rooms look like these days? I have a young family, so I haven't used pool dressing rooms for ages.
Do guys still just get naked in a big room? Are there far more people changing within their towels?
It's there, at hot springs and other similar spots where as a young kid, I got a sense for what the gamut of dicks was, and the lesson was that they're all weird looking, varied in pube plume and size, but that there wasn't a crazy variance, and after you've seen it all once, it fades into the background.
Like I said above, I'd ask anybody feeling uncomfortable or shy about their own to just get naked in a public change room and mind your own business. See who among the people there care.
May be different in other countries, but I never got naked in front of other people until I joined the military. We changed in school for gym, but we generally didn't change our underwear. The...
May be different in other countries, but I never got naked in front of other people until I joined the military. We changed in school for gym, but we generally didn't change our underwear.
The military is a different story, and after 20 years, I'm pretty confident I've seen more dicks than anyone I know. It's gotta be thousands or more at this point. Very early on I found out that I was quite average, and any fear in that area quickly went away.
The real question is what would I do if I wasn't though? If I was truly way smaller than every other guy in the barracks or locker room, how do you deal with that, in a society that makes it out to be one of the most important aspects of being a man?
Idk, unless you all stared at each other's fully-erect gas station pepperoni sticks, I don't think you'd really be able to actually tell, as some people are growers and some are not?
The military is a different story, and after 20 years, I'm pretty confident I've seen more dicks than anyone I know. It's gotta be thousands or more at this point. Very early on I found out that I was quite average, and any fear in that area quickly went away.
The real question is what would I do if I wasn't though? If I was truly way smaller than every other guy in the barracks or locker room, how do you deal with that, in a society that makes it out to be one of the most important aspects of being a man?
Idk, unless you all stared at each other's fully-erect gas station pepperoni sticks, I don't think you'd really be able to actually tell, as some people are growers and some are not?
Yeah, it'd be tough and while I hate to generalize, I asked a bouncer one time who picks the most fights and he said not only is it shorter guys, but they're often the toughest too. What I'm...
Yeah, it'd be tough and while I hate to generalize, I asked a bouncer one time who picks the most fights and he said not only is it shorter guys, but they're often the toughest too.
What I'm relating that back to is that if a guy is known to have a smaller than average penis, I'm inclined to think that he'd make up for it with agency in other areas.
Maybe he takes no shit when it comes to insults about it, maybe he spends more time on other aspects of lovemaking, and maybe, he leans more heavily into the argument that it's not size that matters, but the motion in your ocean.
Some articles really have a way of making me feel so disconnected from pop culture. And maybe this isn't a good representation of pop culture, but a subset of NY party culture. Still, so many...
Some articles really have a way of making me feel so disconnected from pop culture. And maybe this isn't a good representation of pop culture, but a subset of NY party culture. Still, so many things here are so weird. Like, there're guys who WANT a visible bulge in their pants? I always felt like the goal was to show off the rest of your body and the package was kind of secondary. But maybe that view point is also what made me feel more self confident in my own body.
Just over all left me feeling kind of sad. :/ But also extremely grateful for a loving and committed partner.
I also feel like the end of the conversation with Jon is pretty revealing. He mentions how talking make him feel less imprisoned. Like YES! Form friendships with people you can have honest and vulnerable conversations with. And also, therapy is great! I feel like a lot of people in this piece would greatly benefit from therapy, they're obviously pretty unhappy about a lot of stuff they're not taking about.
For what it's worth, as a hetero woman, the most satisfying sex I've had was with a guy who was smaller than most of the men I've been with. He was great at knowing how to read my signals and build the experience up, and it really didn't make much difference that he wasn't as big. If anything, the bigger guys can make it painful at times. I was really sad to read this and imagine all the insecurity that some guys are dealing with.
Cosigning this as a queer woman-ish.
I've also never sat around and mocked men for their bodies with women as described here. This is entirely foreign to my experience. Have I discussed partners with friends? Yes. But like not like that.
I've been mocked by (ex for a reason) partners. Literally have experienced pointing and laughing, and it feels like you'd expect. Thankfully, I have also had truly wonderful partners to counterbalance the awfulness, but man, it's rough out there, and it sounds like it's even worse nowadays than it was when I was young.
Mostly it breaks my heart seeing people being so awful to one another.
Oh I've been treated horribly and mocked by exes and others and I don't doubt that there are horrible people in general, it's just not a universal "all women do this" experience and it felt worth noting.
Shitty people suck, assholes suck, but not letting that turn us bitter and cruel in return is the part we have control over.
Oh, most definitely. To be clear, I wasn't trying to counter anything you were saying, I agree with you. I've been lucky enough to have some absolutely amazing women in my life who would never, ever be hurtful in this manner.
I think you make a valid point that not everyone is like that, and it's true. But when you lead with that, the feeling I get is similar to when people make the "not all men" style comments. Which is usually meant to add nuance, but functionally it can feel dismissive of the broader point.
I don’t think that’s what you meant, but that’s how it came across to me.
I'm curious why my comment(s) were a concern but the comment I was replying to up top wasn't?
When I initially saw this thread it was just in "life" not in "life.men". I "lead" with agreeing with that previous post about how my male partners have been men with smaller penises who paid attention during sex and didn't think they could do everything with their dicks. And then I wanted to add in that shit-talking partners' bodies is not a universal "womens" experience.
Since a lot of the conversation in the article referenced perception of how other people perceive penis size, I wanted to share some insight that maybe alleviated some of that anxiety that every woman was doing this. I'm not trying to exonerate shitty women or shitty people in general. I'm explicitly not invalidating experiences.
As I said, I thought it was worth noting, and I when I posted this was not the top thread, and I wasn't replying initially to a guy or denying his experiences or anything like that. I tried to make it clear that I've also experienced that sort of bullying too and that I try to make sure I don't become a bitter human over it.
(Also in the comment you're replying to, I didn't gender my "exes" and thus people in general because my exes aren't all men.)
I think women have been saying this on the internet for as long the internet has existed. Unfortunately, most men are living up to standards set by a society run by a select few. (Which is not to say women don't participate in shaming or pressure.)
Making people feel insecure has been a huge money maker in our society for a very long time. If I knew the fix for that, it would be the same fix for a lot of other shit too.
This is what really gets me. I've been too big for a couple of women (because vaginas are also different sizes) and it's not a good time for anybody involved. I would HATE to have a porn size penis.
It really is funny how much toxic masculinity gets pointed as coming from women by some men, when most women don't actually care about it. Not to say no woman cares about those things (eg size queens certainly exist), but it's a subset and the ones barking about it are other men.
It's especially funny of how they turn stuff women care about as "only other women care about that" as if stuff men care about isn't stuff only other men care about.
And it's not to say women can't be toxic or don't also support the patriarchy or what have you. The anxiety described here about penis size absolutely resonates with the constant "am I fat" anxiety as a teenager, the eyeing other girls' bodies to compare their development to your own, the stress over the existence of breasts and whether they're "too flat" or "too big" (because all you got for that was harassment". And other people (I'm kind of tired of binarying it) were a huge part of that, whether you were called a slut for having large breasts, a fat ass for having the slightest tummy pooch, etc.
One of the nice things body positivity culture did was press back on all of that, penis size, body size, body shape, height,etc. But by throwing it out the window as "encouraging obesity" it's just reopened the entire door of scrutiny as acceptable. Most of which day to day is intragender not intergender IME. But we as a society decided that discouraging body shaming was "gay" or some such, and thus instead one should listen to a bunch of guys talk about how women only want chads and thus you need to ballsmaxx and mog and whatever. (Meanwhile my area of the internet wants you to put the man in a white poofy shirt and drench him Mr Darcy style I guess? )
My friends don't talk about people being short, or having small penises or large or sagging breasts or as mentioned in the article whether women are "run through". There's a level of immaturity there that I escape with age now, but also I just refuse to be around shitty people. And I date far less now in part because I don't want to deal with having to screen people for a variety of shitty things. I am lucky to have a partner who would never, even before he was paralyzed. (And of all his childhood/young adult guy friends with stupid redneck nicknames the only one related to penis size is given complimentarily not derogatorily. Take that for whatever it's worth.) But also if he wasn't like this he wouldn't be my partner.
100% to everything but just emphasizing this point to. Like, shitty people are shitty so stop being around them
It makes me think of the red pill/PUA community, who would use vapid techniques for vapid reasons was only able to attract vapid women...and their takeaway is that all women are vapid rather than that "seduction techniques" are terrible if you actually want a good partner
Male stuff is just a harder issue for me because it annoys me how much crying there is about how there are no male spaces or male support groups and such...and as someone who has been a part of many/tried to start them and they all fall a part because of lack of participation, it's hard not to be bitter with "well where the fuck were you?"
You couldn't get me into such a group without sedating me first. Why would I want to cut off access to the gender that provides at least half of my best friends to sit with the one that bullied me at school? I have a couple of friends into men's circles and whatnot, and OK, you do you, but for me there's nothing mysterious about being a man that I can't talk to my friends about regardless of their gender. I suspect my attitude is not uncommon and really cuts down the cohort any start up group can pull from.
Then there's all the issues around the men that really need to talk to someone about what's in their head but won't talk to anyone, who grew up with someone else organising their life for them and resent having to do any emotional work at all.
if you're concerned about this stuff, go to a nude beach and free yourself.
I agree emphatically and I reckon the effect of that kind of environment is subtle and lasts a long time. Once sunk in it really takes the sting out of appearance anxiety.
I regularly spend time in a sauna (shorts on but still around a lot of almost undressed people) and have been to numerous clothing optional festivals. The sauna gets all types but there's a much higher percentage of people who are young, work out a lot and take the right substances to look absolutely amazing (FTR I am in none of those categories) and I suspect if you were a 20 year old bloke and anxious about your body it might not be the place to be. Gyms might be even worse but I couldn't say for sure.
The festivals on the other hand... No one is there to work on their body, any kind of body you can think of you will see all of. Any age of body as well. In the end it stops being novel and bodies become a kind of average thing, mostly like the one you have. This happens even if you keep your clothes on. Then after four days in the bush without any way to really groom properly, any beauty routine anyone came with has long departed, which only adds to the leveling effect. I think everyone should go and do something like this at least three times in their twenties, we'd have a lot less body based bullshit in life.
Honestly I've found the gym (a couple university gyms, a snap fitness, and most recently my local planet fitness) to be a pretty body affirming space. There's people of all ages and body shapes that work out regularly at mine. I feel like before I started going I had this idea that the gym was filled with shredded people and it would feel weird being a not super athletic person.
Nope! It's been pretty motivating to be around lots of people all just doing their best and trying to take care of themselves. I'm sure there's judgy gyms out there, but I've personally not encountered one. Like so many spaces, people mostly seem to want to do their thing and mind their business.
Are there some absolutely gorgeous people there? Yes, but it's not the majority. Lots of average folks which I think is really nice.
It does depend on the gym. Some are known for roids and "vegan" powerlifters. Most are as you've described.
What are “vegan” powerlifters? I know what vegan mean but the quotes and juxtaposition to roids make me wonder if it doesn’t mean something else than it seems?
Vegan is slang for powerlifters that use performance-enhancing drugs. Usually steroids like testosterone or HGH. In the UK, the common term for testosterone is "gear" afaik.
If a powerlifter with a thick neck or large gut says they're vegan, they might not be abstaining from animal products. Someone might also ask if a lifter is vegan, inquiring whether they're on T (testosterone).
That's a very different vibe from vegans in other contexts. How did that slang develop?
Perhaps as an ironic joke about unbelievable gains. Many people believe that gaining muscle is impossible on a plant based diet. Saying you're vegan and huge is harder to believe.
In reality, it's totally possible to make huge gains as a vegan by focusing on high-quality proteins.
Another guess is that vegan lifters are more likely to take performance-enhancing drugs for physique to further boost their social media clout ("he's vegan and ripped 😍").
I am finding this use of the word "vegan" hilarious. It reminds me of the Scott Pilgrim movie with the "vegan powers".
Thanks, I didn’t know. Any idea why they picked “vegan”?
I can't find any specific etymology online, but I'm guessing it developed out of the (incorrect) meme that vegans can't gain huge muscles.
I don't know why I read this. I'm happily married so basically a non issue for me.
I get that porn is the only reference point most men have, but I also know that most male porn stars are basically just there to supply a giant, functioning cock and little else. I certainly never worried that mine wasn't as massive as a pornstar.
I guess I'm probably lucky to be an elder millennial. I grew up right before social media became a thing, so I assume that probably helped me avoid being fucked up on all this. I assume this is an extension of looksmaxxing. The part in the article about caring about size over performance seems to reinforce that. I guess we should just add this to the ever growing list of reasons to ban social media, if not for everyone then at least for kids.
On being an elder millennial, I'm happy that in hindsight, the only place you'd get answers about dick size, cut, acceptability was from your friends or your partners face to face.
You weren't reading authorless posts proclaiming to know everything, you weren't watching videos of people who look like your crush berating people like you for something you can't control.
Ultimately, you weren't alone in the same way. IRL is the key, GenZ. IRL is the key.
I mean as an elder millennial all my friends were definitely lying about how big their penises were. Honestly that's where I started having anxiety about my penis, before easily accessible porn was even a thing.
Male self reported penis size is just like self reported height size, fabricated.
I’m going to agree with the common opinion here. The solution to this is to renormalize men being naked together.
I had horrible body image issues. Heck, I still did. But do you know the thing that has helped me out the most? Just taking a shower at the gym. I’m still changing under my towel because if I don’t I’d literally be the only one fully nude, but just being naked in a public space, even if in a way nobody will really see it, is incredibly freeing. All of those voices in my head full of self-doubt got quiet and I was able to start loving myself.
When it comes to dicks themselves I also thought I had a small one, but I recently was told that it was big. Boy did that blow my mind. If I stayed in my little box I would have thought that way for the rest of my life. But frankly even if I hadn’t been told that, I would have still been so much better able to cope with my insecurities by simply being honest and open about it.
Sorry, but this is absurd. The first time I've felt insanely objectified (and all manner of gross) is when I've visited a gay club with a "get naked to avoid paying the entry fee" deal. I suppose I was mighty naive, but since I've already been a participant of naturist community for a while I didn't see a big deal. Even at the entrance there were plenty of comments regarding my endowment and it only got worse from there (I suppose that's when I truly experienced feeling gross from supposed compliments). Do we agree that these are definitely men used to seeing other men naked?
Every girlfriend I've had commented on it, and their exes in comparison, basically every hookup. I've seen my best buddy (who "isn't so lucky", but doesn't give a hoot himself) get mistreated by women over it, with some attempt to hide the reaction sure, but it's there. But you don't need to take my word for it, because "small dick energy" or "compensating" are socially acceptable insults whereas even something like "bitch" isn't. See also making fun of men's height. I don't know why every single time any such topic is discussed, womens' role in it is just completely ignored. I don't think porn and male nudity comfort level are the main issue, I think womens' reactions are and at this point frankly I really want women to take responsibility for something happening in western society.
Additionally, this topic (among other things) really made me sure that progressives really do not care about cis males, like at all, and it's free game to be sexist against them. I see this in queer/LGBT communities all the time, but nobody can ever speak up about it.
Sorry for kind of stealing the conversation and ranting about my own personal stuff, I might be a bit too emotional about this.
Being naked in a locker room is very different from being naked in a club. A club is a very sexualized environment.
Women aren't a collective consciousness, just like men aren't. Blaming "women" or "men" for any manner of things wrong with society doesn't make any sense, because there are men that contribute to the problem, just as there are women that contribute to the problem as well. Women as a whole aren't responsible for body shaming men, just as men as a whole aren't responsible for sexism against women. Certain men and certain women contribute to both of these problems to varying degrees.
Part of what I can't stand about this gender war nonsense is how reductive and oversimplified it is. I don't think it's ok to make fun of men's height, or women's weight, or men's penis size, or women's vulva shape, and both women and men do both of these things, but they shouldn't. I mean, even in your story, it was other men objectifying you, not women. I've heard many guys call other men little dicked as an insult, I'm sure you have too.
I do agree with you though, and all of what I said kinda goes along with that, that it's not fair that cis men are punching bags that are supposed to be ok with whatever you say about them because they have privilege. Cis men aren't the patriarchy, they're not sexism, they're not homophobia. There are women who enforce the patriarchy, there are sexist women, and there are homophobic gay people. They're society wide problems, so it doesn't make sense to single out one group as responsible for all of them, especially when the groundwork for those problems was laid down generations before any of us were ever born.
I mean I agree with everything you said in theory, but after years and years and years of being blamed for sexism, patriarchy, discrimination, being privileged, being told you must speak up or else you're just as bad, toxic masculinity, that "not all men" is just an excuse, I just feel like this nuance is completely absent from the broader conversation up until we start talking about the ways in which women are privileged or in which men are discriminated against. And then suddenly the nuance is found. A lot of the time it seems like it is absolutely impossible to have women, whether as a category or as individuals, to be responsible for anything. I am pretty sure even statistically young women are way ahead of young men in plethora of ways, but even though back when it was the opposite the conversation was "men should fix it", the conversation now is still "men should fix it".
I don't know, maybe it's just my personal experience and doesn't reflect the world one bit, but even in queer spaces it seems like what was once a push towards equality and acceptance (obviously good things) has turned into "those cis men am I right?" attitude that automatically invalidates any cis man individually. It just overall makes for a very bleak world where everything seems to be my fault and I should find a way to deal with it and to please understand, it is simply because of how 90% of criminals and creeps are men. I thought we weren't supposed to be using statistics that way, and yet...
Honestly, I hate to say it, but that whole feeling you have of women not being held responsible for anything is also due to patriarchy. I fully agree with your stance that the whole equality thing has been weaponized by some people, some of them women, to totally absolve them of shitty things they do. At its core though, the idea that women are innocent angels that can do no wrong is a sexist prejudice perpetuated by patriarchal ideas about female purity.
As far as being part of a privileged class, well, I think that's entirely misinterpreted as well, and at this point the concept may also be doing more harm than good in the general public. In theory, it makes sense. It's the idea that based on this one aspect, if all other things about two people were entirely equal, the one who is part of the privileged class has more overall power in society. There are obviously already problems there (how do you define and measure power, for instance?), but the idea is sound. The problem comes in when people misinterpret that idea to mean "if you're part of a privileged class, your life is better than anyone who isn't" which is obviously complete bullshit.
The white guy begging for money on the corner every day is very obviously less privileged than Beyonce.
Overall though, I think I'd say that you may want to reframe how you think about men and women and stop thinking about them as unified blocs, and instead as individuals, because every man and every woman's view are unique on everything, including gender dynamics.
Try not to associate with people who buy into the gender war paradigm, whether they're men or women, because regardless of their true intentions, they're really not making things better for anyone, and it really leads down a dark rabbit hole.
Women are not immune from being assholes. In my experience, asshole women are exactly as common as asshole men, and both are way more common you'd hope.
But assholes are still just a portion of the overall population (I'd estimate around 10-15%), although they tend to be noisy and pushy, so their influence is outsize.
But if you make an effort to notice asshole behavior (including when it's not just directed at yourself) and religiously excise people from your life who exhibit it, you can do a pretty good job of leading a nearly asshole-free life.
I've definitely met a number of women who talk about sex partners like that, but if I overhear a woman do that even one time, even if it's pretty mild, she will never be in any social circle of mine. And anyone who hangs out with her is pretty suss in my book, too. My friends and I have a strictly zero tolerance for that kind of behavior.
I recommend you adopt the same policy. You really don't have to put up with it (unless you exhibit it yourself, of course), so don't.
If you're worried that will leave you date-less, consider that you're likely closing the door on a lot of potential relationships by dating women who other women regard as assholes.
Personally, I have always had a policy of never dating men who have a history of repeatedly dating women I don't like. I tend to assume that if someone is into partners who mistreat them or badmouth them, it's because they think that's acceptable relationship behavior and will probably treat me the same way. (Plus, I don't want to deal with anyone's assholes exes, and I don't want to feel like the Nice Girl a guy finally settles for after he's been burnt a few too many times by the assholes he's actually attracted to; I strongly prefer dating men who demonstrate a consistent attraction to women like me.)
Does it bother you that even in this situation you are putting the responsibility on the man to do something about it? Perhaps even blaming me for dating these terrible asshole women (by the way, they absolutely weren't uniquely terrible, that's quite an assumption) that absolutely do not represent the 85-90% of the good women?
Why would you even say such a thing? How did you come to such a conclusion?
You are a man, so I assume that's why she gave advice that puts the responsibility on the man in this scenario.
You don't have control over what other people do, you only have control over how you react. Because of that, advice is always going to put responsibility on the person that's being advised. It doesn't make sense for someone to say "this is what those women should do", because those women aren't reading the post.
I would like you to really think about how somebody saying "just stop dating these asshole men, I don't do those things and not all men do" in response to a post by a woman saying how men treat her poorly would go.
In women's spaces, even those that are arguably overly permissive/accepting of bad behavior on the part of women who post there like r/GirlDinnerDiaries, this exact sentiment is extremely common and expressed pretty damn openly. "I don't do those things and not all men do" would be less acceptable both because it's unnecessarily centering yourself in someone else's issues (in a way that the comments you're replying to are not doing imho) and due to the extremely extensive history of misogynistic men using similar rhetoric to dismiss women altogether when they try to advocate for combatting the misogynistic abuse and violence they have experienced in our society on a systemic level. But "throw that whole man out and don't date guys who treat you like that, raise your standards" is overwhelmingly common and accepted even in spaces that are dedicated to being supportive to women.
Frankly, I think more or less an exact copy of @RoyalHenOil's comment with the genders swapped would be met with an overwhelmingly positive response in such spaces, assuming it was offered in an appropriate context in which advice was solicited/welcome in the first place.
I think that would be pretty solid advice with some more nuance, and it's advice that women often get.
"Men should stop being assholes" isn't advice, because its not actionable by the person receiving it. The only actual, useful advice in any situation, are suggestions of what you can do differently.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to suggest that you're at fault for being mistreated. I was hoping to be encouraging — to say that you don't have to put up it. You can hold the women you date to a higher standard and still have a very rich and varied dating life, if that's what you want.
For what it's worth, I've repeatedly given the same advice (and far more) to women in my life. Probably unsurprisingly, I actually have a lot more experience giving dating advice to women than to men. The exact same issues apply — including the problem that a whole lot of men actively avoid dating women who give the impression that they're attracted to assholes. (Which is very fair. Nobody wants to feel settled for.)
You should really specify what exactly do you mean by this because I'm afraid I'm making assumptions and those assumptions are making me really angry. So, what exactly do you mean when you say "hold the women you date to a higher standard and still have a very rich and varied dating life"?
Because, coupled with what you said prior, it sounds like you're trying to say that women I'm dating are in the bottom 10-15% of uniquely asshole-ish women and my standards are so low that I'm actively allowing this to happen, and I guess even seeking out such individuals (unless you mean to say I'm so unlucky as to roll 10-15% odds many times in my life).
What I mean is that if a woman is acting like an asshole, you can dump her and cut her out of your life. In my experience, a lot of people (both men and women) tolerate asshole behavior because they have this idea that "that's just what men are like" or "that's just what women are like" because, for whatever reason (maybe it's the social circle they're in, or where they go to meet people to date, or the vibes they're giving off without realizing it, or something else), they're in a dating rut and keep finding themselves with people with the same personality flaws.
You've just repeated yourself. What exactly is the asshole behavior that you saw me talking about in my post that you felt like only 10-15% of women engage in that I somehow keep coming across because I'm "in a dating rut"?
This:
I've only overheard two women talk like this, and they were women I already had a very low opinion of due to prior abusive behavior and tolerance of other people's abuse. I see all kinds of nonsense like this on the internet, but in real life, I have found this specific behavior to be very rare: much more rare than 10-15%. (My 10-15% estimate was for asshole behavior in general, not for any one specific behavior.)
Share all you want, man! Ment things can be true, felt and experienced all at once.
Porn has gotten a lot more ubiquitous for young people. They're watching more of it and at a younger age than they did even 10 years ago. An interesting development is that young women are watching much more porn than before, which now makes men victims of the porn-induced expectations that used to only primarily affect women.
It also seems that porn has gotten more extreme than it was relatively recently. I don't know if it's consumers or the companies pushing it, but you see more members that are clearly prosthetic or surgical. Even on the amateur side, it's gotten more extreme. A solidly above average guy, according to the studies, would be tiny if porn, either professional or amateur, were your only reference.
So my best guess is that a Samantha-type is a sex and the city reference?
Whatever the case, the article and this quote paints a picture of a bunch of dudes who have no sense of what average dicks look like, and what it leads me to wonder is what do locker rooms look like these days? I have a young family, so I haven't used pool dressing rooms for ages.
Do guys still just get naked in a big room? Are there far more people changing within their towels?
It's there, at hot springs and other similar spots where as a young kid, I got a sense for what the gamut of dicks was, and the lesson was that they're all weird looking, varied in pube plume and size, but that there wasn't a crazy variance, and after you've seen it all once, it fades into the background.
Like I said above, I'd ask anybody feeling uncomfortable or shy about their own to just get naked in a public change room and mind your own business. See who among the people there care.
I bet nobody will.
May be different in other countries, but I never got naked in front of other people until I joined the military. We changed in school for gym, but we generally didn't change our underwear.
The military is a different story, and after 20 years, I'm pretty confident I've seen more dicks than anyone I know. It's gotta be thousands or more at this point. Very early on I found out that I was quite average, and any fear in that area quickly went away.
The real question is what would I do if I wasn't though? If I was truly way smaller than every other guy in the barracks or locker room, how do you deal with that, in a society that makes it out to be one of the most important aspects of being a man?
I shudder to think about it, to be honest.
Idk, unless you all stared at each other's fully-erect gas station pepperoni sticks, I don't think you'd really be able to actually tell, as some people are growers and some are not?
Yeah, it'd be tough and while I hate to generalize, I asked a bouncer one time who picks the most fights and he said not only is it shorter guys, but they're often the toughest too.
What I'm relating that back to is that if a guy is known to have a smaller than average penis, I'm inclined to think that he'd make up for it with agency in other areas.
Maybe he takes no shit when it comes to insults about it, maybe he spends more time on other aspects of lovemaking, and maybe, he leans more heavily into the argument that it's not size that matters, but the motion in your ocean.
There is also a Samantha character in Dungeon Crawler Carl lol.
Is she a widow maker, too??
She's obsessed with sex.
The Samantha that came to my mind was from Bewitched. Yours makes more sense.
Some articles really have a way of making me feel so disconnected from pop culture. And maybe this isn't a good representation of pop culture, but a subset of NY party culture. Still, so many things here are so weird. Like, there're guys who WANT a visible bulge in their pants? I always felt like the goal was to show off the rest of your body and the package was kind of secondary. But maybe that view point is also what made me feel more self confident in my own body.
Just over all left me feeling kind of sad. :/ But also extremely grateful for a loving and committed partner.
I also feel like the end of the conversation with Jon is pretty revealing. He mentions how talking make him feel less imprisoned. Like YES! Form friendships with people you can have honest and vulnerable conversations with. And also, therapy is great! I feel like a lot of people in this piece would greatly benefit from therapy, they're obviously pretty unhappy about a lot of stuff they're not taking about.