Why are people weird around babies?
I mean, I love my kid, but why do people have such an explosion of emotion when they look at a baby that is not theirs? As if it was something they desire so deeply that they can barely contain themselves? And why do they must express this emotion using words like "I wanna bite it", "I can't handle the baby smell!", "I just wanna eat it!", or "Yummy!" like they're the Cookie Monster and my kid is a cookie? Every time someone says those things -- usually women -- I imagine a man saying the same things, and it grosses me out. Why is it okay for women to say those things when a man cannot?
I genuinely feel nothing for babies that are not my own, so it is hard for me to understand.
Mods: please don't move this to ~life. This is meant as a causal conversation and should remain in ~talk. Thanks.
I love this concept, did a post about it for MetaFilter some years ago. It's pretty linkrotted but here are some archived copies of relevant pieces:
Nervio
Gigil
Why do you want to eat the baby?
I've heard people express that "so cute, I could squeeze it to death" sentiment in the past and I must admit that I have never experienced it and do not understand it. Perhaps that's because I'm a man and perhaps subsequently lack a maternal instinct?
For myself, I don't like interacting with babies, much less holding them. When I interact with a kitten, for example, my immediate instinct is to be extremely gentle because the absolute last thing I would want to do is hurt the animal, the idea of it being so cute I could hurt it isn't just alien to me, but horrifyingly so.
Sometimes I look at babies and think "I want to squeeze it until it merges with me and I absorb the child into me." Much like any intrusive thought, it's both insane and not something I go sharing with people... except the baby, I'll tell them my plan, they deserve to know.
It's got nothing to do with maternal instinct since I've got absolutely zero as well but more to do with, one, it's a perversion of something natural (protection taken to an abstract and ludicrous extreme) and, two, it's fun to say stupid shit to babies since they won't remember.
I don't mean any babies harm and it's not solely because their cuteness actually drives me into some berserker rage that I'm aware of but just how intrusive thoughts work.
Sadly I don't recall the name or author of the book, but about 15 years ago I read a popular book based on measured and observed changes in brain function in new dads. When it's your own baby, it's different in ways that most new fathers share.
I do find my kid cute, but that doesn't make me salivate in a frenzy. I love him, he is super cute, but I can handle it. Other babies, though, mean nothing to me. I certainly wish them well, but they cause me no emotional reaction whatsoever. I don't even find them cute or pretty.
While I never felt this biologically induced compulsion in particular, everyone has ingrained urges they must not act upon, or even display. So yeah, it may be biological, but I still think it's weird!
I'll weigh in on the social acceptance of displaying strong urges/feelings toward babies, at least from my perspective: a woman who doesnt feel much of anything toward most infants.
I've sometimes felt as though my lack of excitement about babies makes me the odd duck among women I'm with. Not that I've ever been given flack for it, but I have felt a little compelled to put some effort into cooing over babies because it seems like the more socially acceptable way for me to act, if that makes sense? (I don't mean this in a woe-is-me way, just trying to illustrate the acceptance of this type of behaviour using my experience as a contrast)
So, from that stand-point, it seems to me that it is socially acceptable for people (women especially) to openly express strong feelings about babies.
I can't speak to where social acceptance should begin and end (not a parent, so I've not experienced the extremes of this behavious first hand). But, I have seen men absolutely melt over their own relatives (cousins/nibblings), and I will say it's a pity men generally still dont seem to be afforded the same ability to be open in their emotions as women. Edit: Since this is about my own experience of cultural norms, it probably doesnt hurt to mention my being north american/white/anglo for context.
Biologically female and my attitude toward infants is oh my god keep that thing away from me.
Meanwhile my dad-friends are waaaay more into babies, including one who absolutely does the gooey meltdown around any baby and talks about baby smell and awwwwww. (He has four of his own, middle school age now, and talks wistfully about how he'd have liked more. Wife has had her tubes tied and just gives him a tolerant look.)
I hear you on sometimes feeling compelled to put in the effort. I'll make the necessary aw-how-cute noises, but really... no thank you.
Relatable. I had your exact reaction last I was at my cousin's when he handed me his toddler with zero warning and the poor kid started crying instantly because I didn't know how to hold him
Everyone else in my entire extended family are crazy about these kids, always happy to play with them and go for little walks with them etc. Meanwhile I'm just sad that my cousin and his girlfriend are too busy to actually have conversations with
TBH, babies terrify me in an utterly visceral way. Don't ask me to hold your kid - I'm convinced I'll drop, break, fold, spindle, mutilate or psychologically maim them through sheer incompetence. And I've handled newborn kittens without harm, so I've no idea why I have this fixed notion I'm hazardous to human offspring. [Anxiety problems are among the many fine genetic reasons I chose not to have kids.]
I mean up to about six months, they are extremely fragile. But I'm not saying that's the limit on your feelings or reaction. Especially before they can support the weight of their own head, I just refuse the opportunities I'm offered to hold a baby.
Babysitting was my first chance to earn my own cash and I really didn't enjoy it.
Relevant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cute_aggression
I can't say anything about people wanting to bite babies... But I can offer a comment focusing on the emotional response aspect.
When I see parents with young children it reminds me of the time I had with my own. It's a very emotionally charged period, so it's possible that some of that energy just leaks out. I'm definitely more open about that energy with people that I know well, but will keep it contained with strangers.
I think I would be okay with that emotion of yours. What bothers me, really, is how people express a weird kind of compulsion towards my kid's body, like I say, as if he was a cookie and the adult the cookie monster. That doesn't sit well with me. Complex emotions are fine.
I get that. Your kid's body has nothing to do with it but it's and object that evokes feelings hard to put into words and by connecting it to a well known pleasure like eating something really nice they try to make it understandable. It's a testament to how difficult these emotions are to express. These feelings are contradictory and often very unfamiliar and surprising to the person saying it and therefore there's no "normal" way to express it without it sounding somewhat weird.
Yeah, I hear you. I try to be understanding but it's oddly disconcerting. And pretty inappropriate.
It could be related to "cuteness aggression" which is kind of like when you see a kitten or puppy and you have an impulse to squeeze it agressively, even though you don't want to actually hurt it.
My understanding is that it's related to emotional regulation; when we feel a really strong, primal emotion our brain tries to counterbalance it with an opposing emotion. Super lovey-dovey maternal/paternal feelings get balanced out with a sort of lowkey aggression to keep us tipping too far one way or the other.
You're not alone haha, I can't stand babies. They're gross and usually stink IMO, but I'd never tell anyone that to their face.
I am also not a baby worshiper, but I like my kid because he is mine.
He is 43 days old now. At that age, the poops are gross but not huge. I change a diaper in seconds, so the visual contact is minimal and the smell is not super strong. And he almost exclusively breastfeeds, so he doesn't make a mess. He does make a mess when drinking the baby formula, but it's just imitation milk so not too repulsive.
I'll probably suffer when he starts eating food. That'll be a big disgusting mess!
Haha yes it will get worse. Mine is just over a year old now and her shits will rival a trucker's for size and smell.
Seriously I was reading these comments and the main post just like, what??? I've never felt anything remotely close to that ever in my life. Glad I'm not the only one haha.
I don't have these feelings for babies, but I do have them for pets. They are just so cute! I always approach dogs/cats I encounter, and if they're ok with it, I give them pets 🥹 I don't know about the baby smell either, but to me puppies have a really good smell.
My dogs smell like Cheetos but I kinda like it? lol
I'm a young man who's typical social signalling of emotion would be accurately summarized as blunted. I guess it's probably down to specific family culture, but ever since my late teens, I've had the same type of internal reactions to babies that are freaking you out. I mostly keep it to myself because...yeah, it's objectively irrational and, broadly, seen as a weird behavior for a man to exhibit.
lnternally, it's remarkable how much "bite" is an almost instinctual response. Seeing something downright adorable is intense. It's like experiencing love, or wonder at nature, or some spiritual moment, but it's just an effing baby. The brain has to do something with that energy. It seems like, maybe, we're trying to apply a remotely reasonable name to an outsized response.
Like, infants are everywhere, most of them look about as cute as any other. Why do I feel so strongly? And the only analogy that seems close is when you look at a beautifully plated meal, or a perfectly ripe piece of fruit, something that just by seeing you can know, in your soul, will be delicious, and you want it, your mouth starts watering, and at the same time you know it's perfect and if you bite in it will lose that perfection and with each further bite it promises less delight. But it's a baby, something you're not allowed to bite, no matter how overwhelmed you are, and something you definitely don't want to bite, but you still have all those feelings of desire, you want to...keep it safe, to hold it close, to smell it and ensure it's healthy, and it's so intense that the only things you can connect it with that make any sense are the need to eat, because it's the only primal desire that seems remotely appropriate, or at least humorous. Or maybe our stomachs are just the safest place our instincts conceive of.
Whenever I see something cute I feel like I wanna eat it, but obviously not literally. I'm even a man, and I always say it, I don't think anyone ever got creeped out by it tho it's not like I do it to strangers' babies.
In Arabic it's a common thing to say to babies or small animals "I wanna eat your thigh" or something like that, it's very culturally normal to say these things and no one will think you're creepy, man or woman regardless. I'm speaking for my culture, I don't know how normal this is in your culture.
For the specific reaction of wanting to bite or whatever, people have discussed the cute aggression already.
More generally, the over-the-top presentation I think is a combination of multiple things. There’s the excitement for someone being/becoming a parent, especially if they’re a friend. There’s an emotional connection and nostalgia from other parents. There’s social expectations/norms to grandly fawn over a child. There’s the fact that babies and children prefer more exaggerated, higher pitch, higher energy action and communication. There’s talking to the parent by way of talking to the child to involve everyone, so style shifts for the entire conversation, not just for the kid. There’s I’m sure more that I’m missing. Point being, these all overlap and come together into something that can seem a bit crazy.
That new baby smell really is something special though
I can't actually smell it. I'll get some if I press my nose on his head, and I guess is okay, but it does nothing for me. I love my kid, but baby smell is not the reason for it! :P
I feel you there. I can smell them wet a diaper from across the room. I could smell when their mom was pregnant. I never got a whiff of anything special off the head though. Maybe I'm just halfway to Dewey Cox.
I don't know if anyone's said it, but men can and should show affection for young babies and children in their lives.
My cute-o-meter compelled me to shout across the street that a woman's dog was very cute a few days ago, even though I've had my own dog for over a year, I walk it daily, and definitely don't shout at people on the streets, but it is, also, just something I do, and will continue to do. People do it to me, it's like a right.
I think this might be an example of how people differ psychologically more than we think?
My nephew's just a dude who can't walk, eat, or get to the bathroom. He was a cute wiggly potato in his early days, but I didn't feel a need to do anything but sit with him when he was tiny, both just to be around him, and to give his parents a bit of freedom.
I've seen the weird behaviors and even obsession, but I basically don't do anything I wouldn't want done to me unless I know it'll make him laugh.