I had a severe panic attack two days ago
I am 20 and I was going to move to a different country to pursuit my bachelors. I was going to make my parents proud! But, 2 days ago, I had a severe panic attack in the middle of a night and a terrible nightmare which preceded the attack. I started seeing weird things when I closed my eyes and I couldn’t manage a day without crying and continuously kept having tremors so I sought professional help.
Now, I have been diagnosed with severe depression and moderate anxiety and I have deferred my plans to pursuit my higher education. I was once ahead of my peers and enthusiastic about life but now I just feel stuck in life, I feel worthless, undeserving and a piece of shit. I haven’t accomplished anything in the past 4 years which could work as a groundwork for my motivation and I only seem to fall deeper into despair. I feel as if I won’t be able to accomplish my goals or achieve anything in my life.
I haven't thought of harming myself but I think the fear of not being able to achieve anything might just make me suicidal.
I have found the tildes community to be observant and kind, I was a lurker before and asked someone for an invite just to post this here. I don't know if I am looking for advice or comfort or anything else but I sure wanted to put this out here.
You did one of the hardest first step: seeking professional help.
Well that's a bit cliché to say, but you're only 20. The only thing I accomplished at 20 was managing to finish high school. There's no reason to think you won't be ok.
Being diagnosed was the first step, now you have to follow-up with a longer term help and treatment for whatever is causing your depression.
Let things settle a bit, don't rush it, it happened 2 days ago, it's probably the worst week of your life, and you'll be ok.
Thanks for writing to me.
I don’t know. Whenever I compare my self to my past self, I feel worthless. I used to be high-functioning and able to meet the deadlines that I made for myself. And, right now I feel the exact and honestly it has been like this for sometime, I guess I was just ignoring it all along.
Now, I can’t even muster the strength to tell myself anything positive. I just feel as if I am drowning in abyss.
Having a low moment doesn’t mean you won’t have another high moment. Its hard to believe right now.
Most people do not find lasting purpose in their 20s. Many of the great artists&filmmakers did not great their masterpiece until well into their 40s/50s. I’ve learned that almost every person in my field (software) under 30 just regurgitates things they don’t understand.
It is not only fine, but normal to be lost in your 20s. Don’t look at your peers for inspiration, look at the one’s who’ve had fulfilling lifes.
20s is not about thriving, its about surviving. Better to survive & not burn out than have reached your high notes in your 20s.
That's so, so true. And unfortunately it's something you can't truly understand without hindsight. Retrospectively, my 20s sucked even tough I "managed" (or rather "pretended to"), and real self-confidence didn't come before 30.
I completly aggree with this. As much as I think my peers have it easier than me, as much as I think I'm the only one doing this badly (I'm 21) I know I'm not the only one being lost. I have improved a lot in the past years but I still struggle, all I see is people managing Uni while I'm here struggleing which is connected to my mental health. But I try to push myself. I'm trying to get a learning habit together, I'm trying myself out in as much things as possible, I'm trying to take care of my body and my mental health. Even if it's hard sometimes it's okay I realized this is not a race, even if my social life is not my greatest aspect I'm slowly but surely improving on it, I realized I need to understand the thing I learn first instead of just learning word for word. Even though I think I'm the only one suffering I know other ones do too, be it drinking a lot in collage dorm, drowning yourself in work etc. You get the point, the only people I know in my Uni who got their shit together the best are the ones who already did a collage course before this. One of them is already 27 but I respect them for pushing onward. We all struggle, we all are clueless but it's okay, in the end life is about experiencing things.
Thanks a lot for sharing what you’re going through. I will be honest, it made me a tad bit comfortable but other than that, I just feel numb and non-reactive. Is that supposed to happen? I don’t know :(
I realise what point you’re trying to make but it’s like, it’s bouncing back. I am unable to truly absorb it.
We always feel numb sometimes. It's okay, you will bounce back once. I have my share times of feeling numb but after sometime it will go away and your life will go back on track. What I usually do is either rest on it or just (idk if it's correct or a good method) ignore it and go on with my day plan without doing anything new/hard. One thing that might cause you to feel numb is brainfog, if you overwork your brain you have a chance to feel numb, unproductive and you will see that your brain doesn't work like it usually does. A good 8 hour sleep and a good amount of rest usually clears it up. I will be honest with you btw I'm used to feeling numb/empty because it was a common thing ever since I was 14. I've tried to reach out but there were problems I couldn't climb through (my parents not supporting me caring about my mental health (they think I was stupid to think I have a mental illness) and the school psychologist (I didn't have the money for normal therapy) just wasn't supportive at all (all she did was suggest anti-depressant then when I said I don't want to use that she just looked bored all throughout every session I had with her and couldn't give me any advice)). It's not complete emptyness/numbness most of the times it's mostly that I live emotions much less vibrantly (like it's toned down at least 20x lol) and people are always surprised how calm I am (I had a teacher tell me I was as calm as Buddha). I don't think it's the case with you it more sounds like you are lost and might have overworked yourself. In the end just know I hope you will climb through this obstacle and achieve everything you want. Good luck!
Thanks for being so empathetic. I guess you make a valid point.
I never did but what I am feeling right now is that they are ahead in life and I am stuck. I don’t feel jealous, but maybe am just drawing comparisons(which I rarely did in the past)
Then "drown" a bit. It's normal. Sleep all day, become a couch potato, cry. You're at your worst, you're "allowed" to drown because anyway you're unable to do anything else.
Been there, done that. Not as hard as you, but I had a burnout 2 years ago, caused by issues I ignored for too long, and dealt with the wrong way. Everything crashed at once, and what defined me literally the day before didn't make sense anymore. I know how it feels like to lose your identity.
While I'm sure you'll recover - most people do! As long as they find a therapy/therapist that suits them and take steps to heal -, keep in mind that this is a long process. You won't feel better tomorrow, it will probably take months to feel like your old self. But you will eventually heal.
If you'd broken both your legs this week, you wouldn't expect to be running by September, right? You just have to really take your time.
it’s actually like that, I have been lying around my house all day but the constant stream of thoughts flashing through my mind is just making me hate myself and I am unable to do anything.
I think my case has been the same, I ignored my “symptoms” as well.
This is so much relatable. One day I was shopping for a new wardrobe because I was moving away and the next day I had a panic attack and nothing made sense, I couldn’t identify myself as the same person. I felt so weak.
I will say life will not be a constant upward trajectory of accomplishments (educational, career wise, etc), it will be an up and down roller coaster. I was not accomplished at 20. I started having panic attacks in my mid 20s. I didn’t actually know that’s what they were so ignored them for a long time. I went to a cardiologist, because I thought there was something really wrong with me. He ended up telling me I was perfectly healthy, which I couldn’t understand. One day I happened to be listening to a podcast that described exactly what I had been feeling (panic and anxiety attacks), which changed things for me. Being aware of your situation is the first step to improving.
How are you doing right now?
I thought I was ready for it but now it’s the exact opposite. I feel like I have caved in, given up.
I’m doing much better. Now that I know what they are, and I feel them start to come, I just stop what I am doing and focus on the present moment until I have it under control. I realized my job was the source of my attacks, so I plotted a future path away from it, so thinking about that future also helps.
As for giving up, it’s fine to be low for a while. There’s a quote from the movie “Just Married” that came out in 2003, not the most revolutionary movie that’s ever existed, but it always stayed with me. “You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next.” Feeling what you’re feeling now will help you appreciate where you get to in the future when you’re looking back.
Hey there, first of all, I'm so sorry. I've dealt with panic attacks and various other mental health issues for years now, and I get how rough it can be and how maddeningly illogical it is. It's a fantastic thing that you recognized all this and managed to get help, though, especially at such a young age, that is a serious accomplishment I want to commend you for. Knowing yourself well enough to know "I need help" is a life skill that not everyone manages to develop.
I want to preface all this advice with: I am not a medical professional, please follow your medical professional's advice. Some of the things that have worked for me with my conditions may harm people with other conditions.
My biggest piece of immediate advice is to continue getting help when and how you need it. That is the most important thing, but at the same time, if your therapist / psych isn't working out, don't hesitate to get a different one, the intrapersonal relationship there is very important, and it's important for you to feel comfortable, but that can also take time, too, so don't get discouraged if it feels hard to 'open up'.
My next biggest piece of advice is simple but also profoundly hard: Be honest. Be honest with your medical professionals, be honest with your friends and family and employer (if necessary / safe to do so, of course), and most importantly, be honest with yourself.
Communicate your worries with people you trust and tell them that you know it may be irrational to feel, but sometimes just getting it out of your head can remove a lot of its power and make you realize how unfounded it is. It's very easy to put anxieties and fears under logical examination and dismiss them, but that's because they literally don't make sense. Try to mull the feeling over and figure it out, why do you feel this way? What do you know that's counterfactual to this thought? (For instance, if you're dealing with imposter syndrome, what do you know that's incorrect about that, what do you know about what you're worried you're wrong about). Things like that. Also, if mulling over the feeling is hard, try some grounding or mindfullness exercises to help you connect with your physical space first, that tends to help calm my mind down enough to then start working on the actual anxiety.
And lastly, make sure you're getting enough food, fluids, fun, and, if of interest to you, fucking. I say that last one half jokingly, but looking at changes in your sex drive can help identify the root of an anxiety.
Hope all this helps, and I hope some others chime in with their own support and advice :)
I am trying. I have been communicating with my family and So far I have only consulted with a psychiatrist and had my diagnosis done after a history taking session with a psychologist/therapist.
What I am not able to do is digest the reality and being honest with myself. I am unable to get the force in me to get better, I am not getting a response from my “inner self”.
I have been trying and what seems logical to me is it the feeling has been there for a while, only suppressed. And the nightmare was just a trigger. I don’t know if that makes sense? Counterfactual to this thought? (For instance, if you're dealing with imposter syndrome, what do you know that's incorrect about that, what do you know about what you're worried you're wrong about). Things like that.
I can only draw up instances from a few years and I feel like I am no longer the same person :(
Yup, you're doing the hard work, now, this is where grounding and just "keeping at it" helped me a lot.
Being honest with yourself is... hard... and for me at least, exploratory. It was a long process of taking in a bad thought, and just doing everything possible to convince myself "That isn't true/correct/accurate/fair" about that one thing... and then just doing that with each thing. Focusing on one thing first to get the hang of doing it can help, but these are all deeper therapy topics you should trust your provider on.
And your diagnosis is "this is what you're immediately suffering from" it may not be what's wrong with you. For me, a lot of my anxiety was caused by a combination of the Executive Dysfunction from my ADHD and sensory issues I hadn't noticed / accepted. That's another reason the grounding techniques can help, your body being in a certain physical state can also cause anxiety, for some people. Which also covers the list of F's I gave at the end to address any of the 'fixable' ones.
I hate to say it, but at this point, it really is just take it one day at a time and do the work, keep talking, if that feels like it helps, but don't cave to dark thoughts, no matter what your brain tells you, you are loved, even and especially when it's telling you those people you love most don't love you. And even if you cave to that, maybe try loving yourself, just as you are, anxiety, flaws, and all. Cause you're still a human, worthy of love, even if it's just the gentle self love we all lose sight of, sometimes.
Edit: You aren't the same person. You're 20, to be blunt, you're basically a new person every year or two until you're 25-ish, maybe longer, for some people. But, the good news about that? It's the middle of July, you're over halfway through the year, take some time to be loved and supported by those you love, and try being who you want to be next year, be who you need to be now, which is a person that takes care of themself and gets their mental health under control.
I've had to be who you are right now a couple of times, once as early as you, and a couple more times since then, and I may have to be that person in the future, too, the important thing is developing the ability to be that person and recognize when you need to be that person, some people even manage to make it a whole part of their 'self' whatever that is... I'll let you know if the philosophers ever get back to us on that.
I have been doing a type of therapy for the last several months called ifs (internal family systems). I mention it because you said you are not getting a response from your inner self. This method has been helpful for me because I have a lot of problems with my "inner self", like sometimes it says really mean shit to me. But thinking about my patterns and urges as separate parts of me, who are all trying to fulfill some purpose, makes it easier for me to recognize when something I'm feeling isn't right, and where it might be coming from.
Like, i have a part of me that equates self worth with being very small and quiet, because as a small child I was rewarded for this, and punished for being assertive. In that ecosystem, this part of me was protecting me from harm, and I needed that. So it was a good part. But in adulthood, it's harmful to my other goals and relationships. I am not the same person I was when the part formed, but that part is a loud and strong presence in my mind.
It sounds like you have a very strong and loud part that wants you to feel worthy, and thinks that without academic or career achievements, you will not be. You mention being aware of these panic feelings being there but being suppressed, and in this type of therapy those are called exiled parts. I would bet there are parts of you that find worth in other places, but that is scary to the part of you that feels so safe and comfortable in academic settings.
There is a book called "no bad parts" if this sounds like a tool that might be helpful to you.
I don't have the answers but know that people care about you, friend. You do, ineed, matter. Reach out to family, friends from school, people you know online and have simple conversations.
I felt my lowest when my wife left our 2 kids (4 and 6) and myself suddenly 12 years ago. I realize now that I was depressed and felt similar to your post. In my instance I had 2 kids to take care of so I had some built-in motivation already.
I picked 2 small tasks I could do pretty much every day: Make the bed and take a walk. Those 2 things gave me a sense of accomplishment. Instead of beating myself up if I missed either one on a particular day I simply promised to do better tomorrow. What I didn't even know at the time is that there have been multiple studies that show excersize/being out in nature is a good way to improve anxiety and depression symptoms
While my experiences aren't yours, it may ease your mind that you're not "broken" or "worthless" when you know other people have felt like you.
Yeah, I forgot to mention it in my longer post above, but going out for walks helped me a ton, and specifically in nature / by a nearby waterway helped me way more than just sidewalk walking with music on.
Also, that last bit was huge for me, but sorta the other way around. I accepted that I was "broken" but that didn't make me "worthless". It just meant there were some things that were harder for me or that I'd have to work around. I know that outlook may not suit everyone, but it helped me a lot to be able to say "No, that thought is my anxiety... which is an illness... which means it's dumb and literally what I'm working against. Begone thought."
I have been accompanying my mum with her walks and honestly she’s the one who’s making sure I get some fresh outside air and I haven’t been able to listen to music, which earlier literally used to be my fuel and energy pool.
Do you have a friend or family member that likes to listen with you? Maybe go on a drive and just belt out some songs, or listen to the first ~10 seconds of everything in your library and see if anything clicks.
Music can hit us deeply, and there are more than a handful of songs I have that are my 'go to's for when I'm moody. I have whole playlists for fighting my depression, and others for "fucking get shit done".
And if all that sounds awful and doesn't help, do something different, go read a book, or watch a movie, or maybe try audio books, or a new hobby. It's all BS standard mental health advice, but it's because people are so varied, there's no one size fits all, and if nothing else, you'll exhaust yourself enough to get good rest while you find what works for you!
:O I am really sorry If my post took you back in any sense to that time.
I get what you’re saying. I have my parents, and I want to make them proud but that thought isn’t translating for me, I am just feeling numb, I don’t know if I am supposed to be numb when I know the former and how do I take things under control.
You have nothing to apologize for, friend. I share my story try and dispel the stigma of mental health in any small way I can. I am in a better position to notice my personal symptoms when they arise now and usually I am quicker to reach out if I feel over-whelmed.
You may not feel like it but you should give yourself credit for taking the first step in admitting your struggles. You said you are in another country pursuing your bachelor's degree. Does your school offer any mental health support? You could try reaching out to them for help.
I don't want to make assumptions but I can't help but feel there are some generational or even culture stresses involved?
This has helped me a lot too. I think it's how I'm 'being honest with myself' is by being honest with others, maybe a little too soon, but I have a network of support that's making that work, and so far has lead to one of the longest periods of day to day stability I've had in a long, long time. Still have some issues with my ADHD despite being medicated, but I'll take it given how calm everything else is.
Another way is when people open up even a little about their own mental health issues, I am now completely unashamed to lay my own bare, because it has helped others. And if I can't get rid of the people pleasing, by god I'll make it work for me. But it's resulted in me having a group of friends and family that I can talk to openly and that can speak to me openly, and that has made a world of difference in my levels of stress.
Hey there, I'm so so sorry you're going through this.
If it helps, I'd like to tell you my own story of panic, anxiety, and overcoming it.
I spent the better part of a year dealing with honestly debilitating panic and anxiety issues. I could hardly leave the house. I was too anxious to eat and became very underweight. I was convinced there was something wrong with me and my body; I very seriously considered institutionalizing myself because I felt so trapped in the "panic hole". It was bad.
The good news is, I am much better now. You can be, too.
Everyone's journey is different, but mine involved: reading work by Dr. Claire Weekes (a pioneer in terms of anxiety and panic science and treatment), getting comfortable with the physical feelings of anxiety (it's just adrenaline due to a false alarm by your limbic system, and it cannot hurt you), and having propranolol as an "emergency red button" when it became too overwhelming - I prefer it to e.g. xanax as I remain sober and functional, and it has some unique activity with the amygdala specifically. For what it's worth, I haven't taken propranolol in about a year, now. Haven't needed to.
This is all on top of my foundational background of going to therapy for years - don't skip on therapy if it is accessible to you.
Finally, supplementing magnesium really seemed to be the final piece of the puzzle for me. Like, if 90% of me becoming functional again was me doing the work (and we HAVE to do the work... nothing and nobody will do the work for us), the final 10% was magnesium. I think I may have been deficient.
Do I still have anxiety? Yep, and I always will. I've had anxiety my entire life, after all. I still also get the same thoughts and feelings that would have made me panic a year ago. The difference now is that I know what it is, and I'm not afraid of it anymore.
"The waves never stop coming, but you can learn how to surf."
I can live my life again. There are moments where I feel like crying because of how far I've come.
You can do it. You are not broken. I believe in you.
This post caught my eye because you mentioned magnesium. I think a deficiency was a large trigger for my panic attacks, palpitations, and migraines. Another trigger for me was having an internal conflict. I wouldn't get attacks if I was under general stress, but I would get them when I was doing something that I knew I shouldn't be doing. Often there was something going on in a personal relationship where I was letting someone else control me.
Years ago I read a book called "Saving yourself from the disease care crisis" by Walt Stoll. The basic premise of the book is that western medicine is very good at treating acute illness and disease, but very poor at treating chronic conditions. I don't remember if the book claims this directly, but western medicine is also poor at using treatments that can't be monetized. I went to doctors for a few years, trying to find solutions for my panic attacks and other anxiety symptoms, but all they could do was prescribe beta-blockers and do heart tests. I'm not saying those things aren't necessary for some people, but most doctors have a very limited set of skills when dealing with anxiety-related issues.
I too fear leaving the house, I am scared to go and pass through a crowd when I am going for a walk. It feels like shit. I feel like I am a 10 year old once again.
I am feeling anxious throughout the day and there will be instances in between when breathing is becoming such a huge task.
How am I supposed to receive this when I feel the exact opposite? :(
Look at my third paragraph, friend. I have been there, too. I felt so broken and helpless that I thought checking myself into a mental hospital was the logical next step...
Spoiler alert, I never ended up checking myself in. Though, IF I DID, there would have been NOTHING wrong with that, and it would NOT have meant I was a broken person - it would have just meant that I needed extra help.
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to need help and support. It doesn't mean you're broken.
Speaking of "broken": my therapist and I prefer to use the term "wounded" instead of "broken" - "broken" implies some sort of defect that needs external help to be repaired, and may even be irreparable. Wounds, however, heal over time. We heal our wounds.
You may be wounded - we all are, in so many ways - but you are not broken.
Thanks, I do want to just “do it” but am just feeling lifeless and empty, and in no way am trying to make any excuses or anything but yeah I feel weird and just drained.
I've had many, many delays during my studies itself. And as a result my (current) start with my career is also severely delayed. I feel you here.
Unfortunately we're all too often taught that achievements encompasses worthiness in persons. Weirdly enough, we're often fine if this lacks in someone else, yet for us, ourselves, it is almost like it feels necessary.
Yeah I imagine. :\ When you're knocked down that hard on things you want to do yourself, it's easy to feel the weight of it all. More than anything, I hope you can separate your self-worth from your achievements.
Because you don't need to proof your worth. Not to society, not to your parents, and not to yourself.
Oddly enough, I can see this for being the reason you struggle to get out of the despair. If this keeps happening, then it can be easy to think that it is doomed to continue that way. Especially with depression, it being the nasty lying demon it is. Not only do you not have a recent self-reference for when you were doing better, but it also makes it difficult to even attempt to get better. Those two make each other worse, which can be a real nasty and difficult dynamic to try and break through.
I want to finish by saying, you can be proud of yourself for this. Seeking professional help is not easy. It's so easy to think it will just go away. That you should stop whining, to not show vulnerabilities.
Taking that step is often so difficult for many in your situation. And I'm glad you've done it. :) Good luck.
It sounds like you are putting a ton of pressure on yourself!!! I'm so sorry this happened to you, panic attacks are absolutely one of the worst feelings. Nightmares are awful too, I can relate.
Your goals and your life are not a race to the finish, and you are not failing at anything by taking time to focus on your mental wellbeing. You spirit and your mind are the foundation the rest of your life is built on, it is worth taking all the time in the world to make your mind a place you love being, and feel secure in. You don't have to wait to love yourself until after you've achieved some future goals.
Do you feel compassion for other people in your life? What would it look like to show it to yourself. I very much doubt that the people who love you, think you aren't worth as much if you're going through something hard or took longer to do something. And you probably wouldn't feel that way about the people you love either. You deserve compassion!!
Panic does not last forever. Just because it is with you now doesn't mean it always will be. You won't always feel as bad as you do right now.
Moving away from home can be really scary, in a new country to boot! You've got to secure your funds and living situation, cook, clean, make friends, study, etc., all on your own. I called my parents and nearly cried on my first day away from home -- and my school was only 40 miles from their house! 😂
I know it seems hopeless right now, but it gets better. Know that there are many different ways to get to the same place. You didn't "accomplish" anything in the past 4 years because you were only 16. You were a kid! And looking back at my early 20s, I was still a kid back then.
You can't logic your way out of depression when the base assumption is flawed. Addressing the emotions that fuel your assumptions should help you manage them whilst you go out there and live your life. You might find this Dr. K video helpful. He explains that validating and processing the negative emotions will help you tolerate the assumptions. Therefore, managing your mental health is a lifelong task. But you're not screwed!
It's wonderful news that you are working with a professional for your mental health. I know so many people who should have done that 10 years ago. So actually you are already ahead of the curve! (;
What do you wish to accomplish? And, what makes you happy?
As someone who struggles with depression, the likely answer is they don’t know - that’s what makes it so hard to get out of the cycle.
I felt all the answers would become overwhelming after a while. I asked the question to ground them and to understand their specific situation. I should have made it clear as a not, but I was trying to be succinct.
Depression is often accompanied by a "flat affect", which basically means even if the person wants to feel happy again, they can't. And losing that joy in little things, and knowing that you should feel that way but you don't, can exacerbate the issue. It's definitely not an easy thing to understand if you don't have experience with an MDD episode, but your emotions aren't necessarily sadness with depression, but rather... everything might just feel like different shades of grey. You kind of feel like there's no motivation there to feel anything at all when it's bad. Combine that with anxiety, and it can quickly turn into a spiral of self-loathing that's so incredibly hard to pull yourself out of on your own.
I do know how it feels. I wasn't clear, and that's my mistake. When you are spiraling, you won't engage with the theory, you need an anchor, something to focus on.
Happy was a bad choice. Maybe too soon for a question when the answer might not come. This is the moment to advise being as selfish as possible, even if only an hour. Find a place, person or activity that makes you feel safe and stay there until you're ready to step outside and explore your new reality.
Depression and anxiety will be there to be dealt with. Always remember to gather your strength before you face them.
I was in the same spot panic attack changed my life completely, looking for profesional help is the best first decision you have made. Treating your depression is not an easy task and is a work in progress for yourself. Trust me this can be passed.
I understand you feel these ways; I have felt these ways. I want to acknowledge that you are not worthless, you are not undeserving, you are not a piece of shit. You are a complex human being who is worthy of love and respect, especially from yourself.
Imagine a horse pulling a heavy cart, tirelessly, to its best abilities, without breaks. The horse's master mercilessly whips the horse, pushing the horse beyond its capabilities, ignoring the horse's need for rest and recovery. If the master continues on in this way, the horse will eventually collapse from exhaustion, regardless of how strongly, surely, or expertly the master whips the horse. You are the horse, and you are the master.
You can.
I do not want to get into my deep personal matters on a public forum, but I feel comfortable enough to share this: I feel like I can say the things I said above, because I have been in a similar place to where you are now. I promise you it is going to be okay, as long as you can build enough trust in yourself that you are going to be okay.
I used to deal with a lot of panic attacks. I spent a few month crying every day feeing like it would never end. A lot of them stemmed from overwork, hopeless feelings of the future, and overstimulation. I agree with earlier posters discussing getting professional help and going on walks, but what really turned it around for me was leaving social media.
It’s either a highlight reel of someone’s life or someone trying to sell you something (often both). Many are also designed to hijack your dopamine receptors to release enough reward to make you feel good but not enough to put down what you are doing. It’s exhausting chemically for your brain to constantly use social media.
After a while of being off those platforms I realized I was nobody important (and most like never will be) and that was so freeing. I started investing in the friendships around me without feeling like I needed to capture the moment for others, or wanting a digital reward. Bed time is time to read or connect with some in real life. I also got back 30min-1hr of my daily life. That’s time to workout and be still and quiet (meditate if you will).
Anyways all that to say, you will get through this. You will start having days where you won’t cry. It’ll be slow but one day you’ll look back and realize you haven’t cried for a month. Most of those days were good. Some great, some bad, but mostly good. And as you have seen from the comments you aren’t alone in these struggles. Keep us updated!
Edit: I would also like to say my journey was medicine free as my imbalance have been managed with CBT. If you need medicine don’t shy away from it, it can be amazing and life changing. Get 2nd opinions and don’t fret if the dosage takes some time to get right.
I'm no therapist so I don't know the right way to help you here, but I am a human being and maybe sharing some common ground would help.
I've felt this sort of desperation. I'm 40. When I was 20, I did tech support via phone for a major US cable provider for about $24,000/year. I was newly married, but my relationship was very toxic. I had a kid on the way, and I was about a year away from applying for welfare (WIC, to be exact) to try to help makes ends meet so that I could keep everyone fed. I worked until 11pm five nights a week (including basically every Saturday and Sunday).
To make matters even worse, I had graduated both high school and community college with high honors. I thought everything was supposed to be automatic if I did well in school… but that definitely hadn't been the case for me. It felt like I had squandered all of my potential and things would always be miserable. I did a semester at a university but did not enroll for another after my daughter was born. I had a sense this was as much formal education as I would have (and, in fact, I was right).
What ended up working for me was to focus on the most painful thing and the parts of it I could change. At the time, it was my relationship. I couldn't change my partner, but I could get out so that's what I did. That process itself was painful, but not as painful as the relationship. Being free of that created the headroom I needed to figure out what other things I can affect. I also ended up in a much more supportive relationship, and that made a huge difference.
Now, nearly twenty years into this process of looking at where I am, finding parts that are not ideal, and surveying what levers I can pull and knobs I can turn, things are so much better, I can't even articulate the magnitude of that difference. The path that got me here isn't one I could have planned or one I would have thought possible. It wasn't a straight line, and the trajectory hasn't been consistently up and to the right… but that's just how life is.
Let go of where you are relative to your peers and focus on where you are today relative to where you were yesterday and what steps you can take that will make things better tomorrow. Sure, it's a cliche platitude, but it's really the only thing that matters.
Things will get better. You can do this! ❤️
For what it's worth from a total stranger, I am SO proud of you for doing this for yourself. Frankly, and I'm speaking from experience on this, this can be so much harder than reaching out for help (ETA- and asking for help is already one of the hardest parts of living with depression and anxiety!). Really, I'm so so proud of you <3
You have an illness that you're going to learn how to manage. That is a very hard thing to face. There's not one single way to approach managing anxiety and depression, what's worked for me might not work for you, but keep at it. Some things you try might work for you, some things might not. And that's okay. It's hard to shake those perfectionist tendencies (so many of us anxious folks are also perfectionists!) but keep working at it. I want you to remember one thing for me, especially when it gets really hard, okay? It's your illness that is trying to convince you that you've accomplished nothing, that you're a piece of shit. It's not the truth. You're working to manage that illness, and you're doing it for yourself- and again, I am so proud of you for that. To me, that's a BIG accomplishment in and of itself. You're not alone. I've been there. So many of us have, as you can see.
I am sorry you are going through that, it is just garbage. I’ve been there. I was also way ahead as a child/teen. Expectations were very high! In my young adulthood, I struggled with mental health and addictions. I failed out of college twice, ran out of money once. I had wretched panic attacks for quite awhile. I’ve had to work hard in areas that were not fun. I had to develop a spiritual life. BUT today I have a PhD, I am highly respected in my career. I have a ridiculously fun job that I am great at. I am in a wonderful, 30 plus year marriage. I help people a lot and my life is excellent. You can do your thing, I promise. This experience may not be a detour from where you are supposed to go, it may be a necessary and important part of the journey. I’m pulling for you!
There isn’t an easy answer to your questions because I don’t think there really is an exact answer.
I suffer from the same issue and MANY times I feel like I’m tumbling through life. I’m still trying to get some aspects of my life on the track that I want.
I think you need to give yourself some grace in this. To give an example that helped me when I was in a significantly worse spot was the broken leg analogy.
Let’s say you broke your leg, would your first course of action be to try to run on that leg in an attempt to get back to normal? Of course not. You first give yourself time to heal, and you wouldn’t feel bad about that because it’s obvious why you can’t run like normal, your leg is damaged. Over time you would take incremental changes to first return your leg to normal function, then walking, then running. Your major depression and anxiety disorder are that broken leg. Give yourself time to heal, learn to meaningfully wiggle your toes before you worry about standing upright (keeping with the broken leg analogy). It’s a long process, but a meaningful one.
Did you have any symptoms before the dream and panic attack?
I did. I guess I was just ignoring them back then and I had nightmares for months back when a specific event happened in my life 3.5 years back.
I had a severe panic attack a few months ago as well. I believe it was brought on by similar feelings as what yours was. I had a lot of pressure on myself for feeling like I hadn’t accomplished anything and not knowing how to start. After it, I was worried I’d never be able to go through life the same way again, with this fear hanging over me that a panic attack could come on at any time. Thankfully I read some post that someone shared that said they went through the same thing, worked through it, and now it’s not even part of their life anymore. That gave me the hope to know it will get better. And it has, still have days where it feels like it could happen again but it’s always brought on by me not doing the things I need to do. When I’m productive and working on bettering myself, it keeps those thoughts at bay.
Try reading the book D.A.R.E. by Barry McDonagh. It gives you some tools to help keep panic attacks from taking over your mind. I can say firsthand it’s helped me in many situations and I know it will continue to. Not saying it will be the be all end all solution, but it will help you frame your mind about panic attacks differently so that you can go on with life without feeling totally helpless about them.
Best of luck on your studies and future!
I was never officially diagnosed, but I had similar feelings of depression as you describe. Some advice:
It helped when I sort of "coldly" analyzed myself and recognized that, unlike in the past, or with other, "normal" people, I was feeling down and negative, but without reason. In contrast with, say, breaking up, or losing a job; in those cases, there would be something you could point at as a cause for making you feel down. But, during my depression, I saw that sometimes I would feel down without something to point at. This helped me recognize (as if I were a third party examining myself) that there's something wrong or unhealthy happening with me, and that pushed me to talk about it, and get some help. By the way, this is also why I think, usually, advice like "just snap out of it" or "go do X and you'll break out of it" doesn't really apply, because it assumes that the negative feelings happened because of some event or situation, but that wasn't the case. I needed to do things to address whatever was causing the "causeless negativity".
Other than talking with my best friend, and then getting help from people trained to help deal with this kind of stuff, what helped me was changing (removing or reducing) sources of ongoing negativity, and trying to add sources of positivity. That means reducing time spent around toxic, negative people (this could be family, a significant other, or a coworker), or outright confronting and addressing (stopping) the negativity coming from those people, or it could be a reconciliation with some people. On the positive side of things, others have already suggested a bunch of stuff, like doing small things to get quick and easy wins, and doing many of them often. It's like getting quick emergency medical help (bandages, intravenous, medication), but for your mind instead of your body. Go places or do things that make you feel good or even great. Have fun, or accomplish goals, or attend to responsibilities. Or take a walk in a park. Or eat a favourite comfort food (in moderation).
Be kind to yourself. All will be well.
I've had panic attacks for over 30 years now. But, I've kept going onward. Two steps forward and one step back. You can do it too. Hang in there.