Merry Christmas, people of Tildes

I can't see what's around the tree
 When I'm pawing through the presents,
But when I sit back
 And get my present unwrapped,
  I look up and I see my parents.
I see and smell my brother;
 That's clearly where the gas is.
And I see my sister—ahem—
 With something that looks like
  Gingerbread on her glasses,
And we don't have gingerbread,
 So this is odd.

We made funny ornaments for the tree this year,
 And we make funny ornaments, sitting here
  Around the tree
   So jolly.
I didn't expect to feel this way.
 I was focusing on Santa,
But the best presents are sitting here,
 And they aren't even wrapped up.

Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks.

Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of Man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus—an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dino bone and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands, regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called toys were buried as witches and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of the children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year, for many were killed.

I'm not finished! You should've gotten a snack.

A war-like race of Elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa-ape to make his confused toys using galactic Elfen technology, forevermore sancionados. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "trein". But these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.

Thousands of years ago, the ice had made the globe innavigable. Santa-ape did not know what a "north pole" was. How could he? He was born before Science existed, so he arbitrarily placed his workshop right here, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full moon, in front of the Great Red Ape!

Now he is a machine.