I recently had my first proper bout of mania. I very nearly jumped out a window thinking that magic was real ('Wicked' in particular... Defying Gravity is quite the anthem). Thankfully the hotel I was staying at was nice and fast enough to call the police, and the police called me -- I never made it on to the ledge, so to speak, and when I got a call from them I realized something was quite wrong and just went with them to the hospital. I experienced a 6-day legal hold at a mental health ward, which I very much needed, and am grateful to have been sent to one where it felt like the majority of staff genuinely cared for their patients.

I believe I inserted myself into a conversation during that time, a meta-post about a user leaving and their posts being removed (or that post was about me in the first place, it's hard to tell/recall). In any event, I apologize to everyone I interacted with in my manic state. I also very much appreciate that some users (shoutout to @DefinitelyNotAFae) could tell that it was likely a mental health issue and were concerned. I'm doing way, way better now with a medication change. In addition, I'm doing an intensive outpatient rehabilitation starting today (joint for substances and mental health issues).

So, with that being said: I'm looking for generic advice from others who are Bipolar, and am very very much interested in the perspective of those that are both Bipolar and Autistic (and yes, I am officially medically diagnosed as Autistic as well). I'm sure there are many important lessons that can be hard to figure out alone.

edit-ps: Title is a nod to my previous 'Apparently I'm Autistic?' thread that was reasonably popular, tee-hee.

I often think about the purpose and/or meaning of life and I've been struggling to work through these thoughts lately. As I teen I've had these thoughts often, but after experiencing my first manic episode (that led to psychosis) back in August 2022, the question of "What's the point?" pops into my head quite frequently.

Alongside this I've been struggling to come to terms with my new diagnosis of 'Bipolar Type I with psychotic features' as I've already been diagnosed with ADHD back in 2017 and I realize that both of these are life-long diagnoses. I know I just have to learn how to live with them, but that's been a tough pill to swallow.

I should mention that I'm not suicidal or anything, but rather I feel hollow and numb inside as I am very unfulfilled with life. Some days are okay and I'm still functioning and taking care of myself (so it's not like a full-blown depression), but as I mentioned before, I just don't see the point in all of this and don't find many things to be worthwhile or enjoyable anymore.

Basically I feel like a shell of my former self after my episode and have found much difficulty in enjoying the things I liked before from hobbies, to music and even food (I was a highly food-driven person). It's definitely much better than it was immediately after my episode, but it's as though life has been sucked out of me and I'm just going through the motions of living because it's what I'm supposed to do. I know recovery takes time, but it's been nearly 2 years since my episode and I thought this feeling would go away by now...

(I've also been seeing a counselor and OT and am doing things such as CBT and ACT which helped a bit, but not enough as I am here asking questions on an online forum seeking help).

If you have any advice on how to work through this it would be appreciated.

EDIT (12/6/24): I wanted to say thank you to all the responses and advice given. I may not have replied to everyone, but just know that I have been reading the comments and I do appreciate them :)