Lost/losing the drive for friendship
I'm in my mid 20s and have had a pretty lonely life. I had a very lonely childhood, a less lonely but still fairly lonely adolescence, and again a very lonely time in college (in that case, because of a mix of mental hangups, the pandemic, personal circumstance that was a major drain on my time, and not managing all those things as optimally as I could have). At this point in my life, I essentially only have one friend, who I met a couple years ago and has since moved across the country.
I have more time on my hands now, am probably more socially adept than I used to be, but I find myself having lost or losing the drive to make friends. I guess I've gone so long without friends that I've lost sense at an emotional level of what the point even is. It's also friggin hard to meet people in the adult world and it seems like you have to put twice the energy to meet people that you vibe with half as much as when you were younger. I want to want to make friends, but it feels like I'd be setting myself up for more pain and disappointment by putting myself in that headspace. It also doesn't help that I'm pretty socially picky (not in a judgmental way, but I'd prefer a small circle of people I'm really close with over a large group that I'm not) and that I have a strong need to feel like the friends I make aren't "arbitrary", that they are the ones I am "meant" to be around. Has anyone experienced something similar or have any advice?
You're just going to have to have your ego overpower the id and superego. Having friends is incredibly important not just to quality of life, but also longevity of life. We know from studies that having social connections is incredibly important to your health. It's to the point where in having friends + drinking > not having friends and not drinking, despite how bad drinking is.
I think you should change the mindset to really put making and maintaining social connections high up in your priorities, the same way that someone who gets a diagnosis of a life-threatening diagnosis from a doctor would prioritize lifestyle changes to manage it.
Second, is also not to otherthink it. To make more friends, just maximize the amount of people you meet and talk to. The friendship will happen on its own. Not everyone is going to be friends with everyone. That's fine, and it's one of the issues with explicit friend-gaining meetups. Just talk to a lot of people and you'll find the ones that click probabilistically.
A little rusty on my psychoanalysis.. what's this mean again?
My interpretation in this case is...
Id: Inherent automatic thought
Superego: Learned automatic thought
Ego: Conscious thought
So for this situation is maybe your id makes you not feel like going out to some event because the unknown can be scary, your superego makes you not feel like going out because you developed an aversion to social events after avoiding them for several years, so your ego needs to say "shut up, stupid automatic thoughts, socializing is the rational decision so I'm going."
Personally, I am so bad at this. I end up staying home often. It's a relatively new standing rule in my household that my partner and I should accept any invitations to hang out with friends unless there is a legitimate conflict.
Nobody knows, but it's provocative!
Thank you, this is very helpful
Where do you recommend talking to a lot of people?
I work from home and have no local coworkers, so that's out. I recently completed my degree and tried pretty hard to branch out and make connections (even though all courses were online), but I couldn't even get anyone to add me on LinkedIn. I've checked out Meetup and even though I live in a major suburb, a lot of the groups are pretty scammy (crypto, MLM, etc) and I didn't really find anything I'd have a true interest in. I'm a bit stumped at this point.
I’m a particular type of geek but I’ve personally had some great experiences making friends in tabletop gaming groups and pub trivia nights. My spouse, who is more of a reader than I, recommends silent (or not-so-silent) book clubs. Gathering with others who share an interest with you is a pretty solid first step.
Also, church? That’s a dicey proposition in all kinds of ways… but also a great way to meet people. I’m an exvangelical, nonbelieving heathen but I found a progressive church in my area that isn’t interested in shaming or reconverting me. I fell in with a great group of folks who share my politics — and other interests — and aren’t churchy in the least. Works for me, YMMV.
Honestly that last bit has been on my mind a lot. I'm an atheist, but I love the community that church can provide. If only there were some secular church...
Unitarian universalist or Quaker or Buddhist meditation center could work depending on the specific congregation
Alternately, I’ve heard good things about the American Humanist Association, which has local groups that meet to scratch this same social itch. I’m not involved with them personally but it could be a way to avoid the religious bits and prolonged awkward silence (looking at you, Quakers). I’m sure there are other similar orgs for non-Americans, I know lots of secular people everywhere are actively trying to bring back third places which is really what this whole conversation is about.
What do you enjoy doing?
Assuming you live in a city of reasonable size, you should be able to find local groups or organizations that do that very same thing. Join one of those groups, feel it out, and meet people along the way.
I recently got back into martial arts, and in so doing I've met a lot of people with that shared interest.
Most of my hobbies are indoors, admittedly... homelab/technology, trying to get into soldering, etc.
I want to get into astronomy, but due to the high temps here the groups only meet up maybe 3 months out of the year. The heat is probably a driver for a lack of social events in general, honestly.
If you're getting into soldering, your area may have something like mine does - a local community maker space. Consider taking your soldering projects to such a space! You can still get your work done, AND meet people - maybe even get some tips for your work too. Or offer tips to others.
I would love this, but unfortunately the only one in the area, in addition to being a bit of a drive and being more class-oriented, has a $75/mo membership fee, and additional costs for the (mandatory) classes. It's a little steep for someone who is more interested in the social aspect.
I'll keep searching for similar places/groups though.
Less common advice: find a cooperative! Depending on where you live they will be more or less common, but any given city usually has a few. Most will be student coops for college kids, but there's plenty of adult co-ops as well.
I've lived in one for almost 4 years now, and it's been great, you get a community of people you see all the time casually, and have a shared purpose (either some cause the co-op dedicates itself to, or at its simplest at least a purpose of "living together in this house"), and usually have community traditions or events that help build bonds.
Every co-op is going to be different, so I'd shop around to try and find one that fits what you're looking for. It does come with costs, having to share both common space and responsibilities for organizing and taking care of the household, but the sense of community is the closest you can get to a "secular church" imo. Happy to answer any other questions as best as I can, if youd like l