Why do I get sick every time I visit my parents?
Whenever I come up north to visit my parents my stomach liquefies, my skin breaks out, and my pain and inflammation flare up. Part of me wonders if it's the water? But I've been here for 3 weeks and there's no adjustment.
I leave tomorrow, thankfully, but damn is it a lot to contend with when trying to be present for my parents. There's a lot of baggage from growing up with them, but our adult relationship is solid. Also, my dad has some serious chronic health issues, so I want to be here when I can to help out and spend time with him and my mom, but damn does my body hate it.
What could cause this? Soon as I head back home (way south) things clear up and even out. This can't just be trauma related stress, can it? Could it be tied to the climate difference perhaps? The water? The city pollution?
I live in a very remote place in the desert, whereas here it is very humid and city. I know y'all probably can't give me an answer, but does anyone here have similar experiences, and if so what do you hypothetically link it to? I just want a normal shit, my skin to not have crazy rosatia and flaking and itching, and to not be in constant pain from my underlying health issues when I visit my parents.
I mentioned it to my dr today (rheumatologist) and he didn't really say much in response. So that's no help.
Mold, lead, co2 can be.
My mom didn’t use hypoallergenic softener and that would give me rashes when i came home.
Also, it could also be psychosomatic, meaning that the stress of visiting your folks could cause actual symptoms.
All good points. It would suck if it turns out I'm just allergic to my parents, break my poor mother's heart. And, while I do say that somewhat in jest, it's a reality that there is a lot of serious post trauma from my parents' and my relationship when I was growing up. We do have a genuinely good relationship now, but that took a lot of work on everyone's part, and a long time to get there.
Sorry if this is addressed elsewhere in your comments, but do you get any/all of the same symptoms if they visit you (if that's a thing that happens/is possible)? Might help home in on whether it's environmental (flora/fauna/the house itself) or more them (CPTSD/their cooking, maybe? I've known people who realized in adulthood that they can't eat their parents' cooking anymore for a number of different reasons).
Sometimes our bodies don't read the latest updated notes from our minds. Eg, it's been two hours since the spin ride, ya dummie, we're safe on land now, you can stop feeling nauseous already. But also if it turns out it's post trauma stress, personally I wouldn't tell them.
But I'm going to guess humidity and flora/fauna. Moved to Calgary one year, from coastal cities, and my body hated it. Ontario wasn't much improvement when it comes to allergies. Moved to a completely new coast now and I haven't had to take a Claritin for years. Sadly it's been the reverse for my poor prairie partner
Is it possible to have them come down to meet you instead one day? That would help to reduce the amount of external factors that are making you sick.
I've got allergies to pretty much all of nature -- all sorts of trees, pollen, grasses, etc.
I have a friend who lives in Las Vegas, and I visited him out there. For those few days, I felt amazing -- better than I have in a good long while. At the time I was like "of course you feel good, you're on vacation."
But then I went back home and my allergies hit me again, and I realized that I felt amazing in Vegas because it's in the middle of a desert. All those plant-based allergens? Completely absent. People had rocks in their yards instead of grass! I got a three day break from my allergies, and I felt like a different person -- in particular I had a lot more energy and a lot less fatigue.
I have no way of knowing if this sort of thing is applicable to your case specifically, of course, but I mention it because it's a possibility. You could be allergic to something that's local to your parents and that is absent where you live.
This is definitely true. I know that humidity in general wreaks havoc on my joints. Maybe my skin flaring up (face and scalp primarily) might have to do with flora? Now that I think about it, I started having crazy skin issues as a young kid when we moved up here from the south (same state but not desert) and they went away eventually (read that meds and 20 years of aclimation?) Then didn't show again until I moved back south and then came back north for extended visits...but that leaves my seriously liquid bowls. I've had food poisoning (serious) and dysentery (so fucked up) in the past, so I know the difference, but this is definitely not normal. And it's sustained, which makes me wonder about water every time I visit...I'm totally taking Pistos suggestion and going to bring a gallon of their water with me to see what happens post getting out of here and once the bodily storm subsides.
Not a doctor, so take this with a grain of salt... Have you considered auto immune conditions? I ask because I have Crohn's disease and experience a lot of what you describe when I'm on the edge of a flare. It's like my body is right on the precipice of inflammation and overworked trying to keep everything together. One little thing (like allergens, or food, or stress) can tip me over the edge and it's rashes, indigestion, etc.
Ha! It's so accurate that you bring that up. I mentioned it briefly at the end of my OP that my rheumatologist didn't really say much to it today when I brought it up. I've been super stable for a number of years, but have been very much on top of it with stable meds and body awareness and work, and just a lot of listening to myself...definitely could just be that the north gives me pre flare up symptoms that then get circumvented because I spend more time in my more habital environments of the year than the less habital ones. Is that how this shit works? Idk, I apparently got markers for both rheumatoid arthritis and lupus, but im on paper under the umbrella of "inflammatory arthritis." My one MAJOR flare up made me bed ridden (no joke) for almost a year. That was 6 years ago and nothing to that extent has happened since. Inflimation in my joints is a real thing down to the daily comparison tracking, but the main thing that my disease activity eats at is the traumatic injury from 20 years ago on my left side focused on my shoulder....as you know auto immune shit is a weird murky bog of unknowns...oof
Fellow autoimmune disease sufferer here. I'm sorry you have to deal with the intensive life management and suspicious scrutiny of every change which come with managing a faulty immune system. It's a genuine nightmare and I hope you find something that eases it.
Psychoneuroimmunology is a real discipline - stress wreaks havoc with your cortisol levels and immune responses. Watch out for irregular sleep patterns, irritability, and elevated heart rate, and get time away from your parents whenever you feel like you might need a break. Mindfulness meditation may be helpful with downregulating autonomic responses to stress, but the time to start is when you're away from your parents, not in the middle of the drama.
You're back among all the allergens you became sensitized to as a child. It took a full year after I returned to my home state before things settled down again. I still get histamine headaches and skin outbreaks when the trees, ragweed, and soil fungi are blooming. It might be a good idea to take a daily non-drowsy antihistamine during your visits and see if that helps - I do this as a matter of course when I'm traveling.
Also, do they have harder water than you're accustomed to? I moved back to an apartment without a water softener and quickly found out that the soap residues left on clothing and skin in hard water had me breaking out in eczema patches, hives, acne, and rosacea again. Switched to fragrance-free everything, enzyme-free detergent, the mildest possible liquid skin soap, and Adapalene-based acne cream. I also added daily omega-3 oil supplements. That seems to have settled down the skin allergies, itching, and flaking. Swimming in a chlorinated pool and washing up at the gym, where there was a water softening system, were helpful, especially for rosacea. We're now in a house with a water softener, and everything is much better as long as we're meticulous about maintaining it.
Cold or humid weather are their own special torments. If you're prone to Reynaud's (restricted peripheral circulation in response to cold, common with autoimmune disease), try heated gloves and socks, pocket warmers, and methyl salicylate-containing creams like IcyHot or Tiger Balm. There's not much relief for humidity other than staying in air conditioned spaces as much as possible.
As others have mentioned, unfamiliar water and food might harbor different flora that are giving you turismo. There's some evidence that surfactant residues, e.g. from dish and dishwasher detergents plus wetting agents, contribute to gut issues. Surfactant chemicals increase gut wall permeability and change your accustomed balance of flora. Gut issues can aggravate arthritis due to leakage of immunogenic proteins and peptides through the gut wall.
Again, hard water increases the likelihood that you'll be exposed to soaps from food and eating surfaces. There's not a lot you can do about this, other than running the dishwasher without soap and rinsing everything. The recent discussion about consuming gel-forming fiber sources suggests they might be protective.
Northern state diets tend to be heavier on meat, dairy, eggs, and wheat than you might be used to, so pay attention if you dine with your parents. Try to keep your eating choices closer to what you'd consume at home, and avoid extra bread or pasta. I've found some fermented beverages like beer are just bad for my arthritis, digestion, and skin, and that might be a factor for you as well if you're drinking in response to extra stress.
I'm just spit-balling ideas from my own experience, and hope there's something you find helpful.
You're awesome, thank you. I'll definitely pay attention to and look into the things you mentioned. Some I already do and have, but as you said the list goes on and on.
Do you visit your parents only at certain times of the year? I get seasonal allergies (grass or tree pollen I imagine) for a bit in spring and fall but winter and summer are fine.
I wish that were true and I would never have to experience even a modicum of deep winter again, but alas no. I'm her at least once a year if not twice, and it could be any season.
That does seem to be less likely to be any kind of plant allergen in northern winters, though mold/fungus in the air can still affect you even if it's not obvious to see in a building.
If you could afford a night or two in a motel it might narrow down if it's regional or that specific location.
If you want similar allergen relief, move near the coast. That ocean breeze really cuts it down without needing to live in the middle of a desert.
My wife had terrible allergies in PA/Philly suburbs. But near the coast in Jersey it's cleared up so much that the cat allergies aren't even bothering her a fraction of what they did before.
It's funny you mention that Las Vegas "cures" you of you allergies when you visit. Because for me, it's the opposite. My family is from the Midwest, and my parents moved there in 2018. And we all have seasonal allergies.
I visit at least a few times a year. And my allergies tend to be worse there than back in the Midwest. My parents noticed the same; they take more allergy meds there than they did back here in the Midwest.
I feel like there was a time back in the 00s and even early 2010s (we have relatives there, so we visited frequently), when Vegas was like the allergy-free promised land. But it's been a long time since I've noticed that.
Ofc, allergies and allergens are complicated. So maybe it's just our family who seems worse off!
I bet it depends on which specific things you're allergic too as well!
might be worth checking for carbon monoxide just to be sure.
I hear that. But they're not sick? And it's been going on for years of visits now? I'll check into that though, for sure. Wouldn't have occurred to me, thank you.
well, it could be just a bit where they're just off a tad and it gets dismissed as age or whatever. Just to be sure, I'd check off all of the boxes like the others said -- CO2, mold, etc. Next time you go there, maybe bring your own water to rule that out, too. Keep a spreadsheet :)
That's good thinking. I'll look in to that. Yeah, definitely going to bring my own water next time.
Good luck with it! Keep us posted if you get it sorted
Will do. I so appreciate y'all.
You could take some of their water home with you, wait until your symptoms subside, then drink the water, and see what reaction you get.
I think this is a great idea! Maybe not possible with flying, but I'd be interested if a couple two litre bottles of water caused issues.
I'm actually driving! I hit up Colorado next for a couple weeks, then New Mexico for a week, then back home. So I'll at least be back in the desert very soon. Totally going to try this. What a cool idea. I was thinking a gallon jug.
Whoa, that's an idea...I think I'll do that.
Drinking water you think is contaiminated is a terrible idea. Send some to a lab for testing.
Grasping at straws here, but maybe there's mold present? Or maybe an allergic reaction?
It's unlikely that it's mold. My mother would know, and it's a fairly new house that is meticulously upkept...allergy maybe? But to what? The flora? But thats all over the state... I will say in my visits elsewhere in the state my skin has serious issues, and my stomach isn't great, but it's definitely the worst when I'm here, so maybe it is the biom its self? I eat relatively the same things overall, but I do wonder about the water...I try to keep to bottle, but when I'm cooking I have to use the water, which while filtered is well water. I have well water at home but it's a totally different place so who knows the chemical difference. I messaged my sister to see if she experiences a similar thing when she visits, so I'll find out what she says at some point.
Mold can hide well, just be careful not to dismiss it so easily!
If she cleans meticulously it could be the type of cleaner. I once visited someone's home, the lady kept the house very clean, but in the middle of the night I leapt out of bed being covered in little itchy red bumps and I couldn't breathe. It was all the fabric softeners and detergents and whatnot in the bedding.
Something nasty happened to the water heater at this one apartment I lived at. My partner and I were getting ill drinking the water and would break out in rashes immediately after starting to shower. I think it smelled off too? It happened pretty suddenly and wasn't resolved until the water heater was replaced.
Don't know if that is it here since your parents seem OK in that regard, but maybe get some water from the store for drinking/washing and see if that helps?
Whoa, that's so crazy to think about. Good to know that that happens, for sure. Weird. But they replaced their water heater like a year ago?...yeah my mom's on top of most all things.
Also, what did it smell like? And, do you know what exactly caused the problem with the water heater?
Hmm maybe the smell was a bit... Organic? I don't recall smells very well. Maybe a month beforehand, I had dropped the temp on the heater just a smidge since it was at max and scalding us, but it was still far hotter than many water heaters I've had.
It's worth pointing out that water heaters carry a significant risk of causing Legionnaires’ Disease if the temperature is not set property. After reading up on it I opted to install a mixing valve on my water heater so that I could keep the resting temperature of the water above the 140 degrees necessary to eliminate the bacteria.
Yeah that's the name! Legionnaires was my thought too, but the symptoms didn't quite line up with us not experiencing the primary symptoms plus getting the skin reactions.
We had the water tested, but it came back "clean," whatever that means. I turned the heat back to max, ran the water through the pipes a while, even did several treatments with hydrogen peroxide. My dad's a plumber, we ran the whole gamut since the landlord didn't want to do anything. Oh yeah, once they did decide to replace the heater, they swapped out the one for the apartment next to us on accident, even though they were clearly labeled!
I didn't check the temp of the water, but it was one "click" under max and still far hotter than other apartments I lived at. But perhaps that dropped it just low enough and there was a pre-existing issue with a biofilm or some such that hasn't been at my other places.
I don't know if this could even cause your other symptoms, but the way you describe your skin breaking out reminds me of complaints I've heard from people who move to my city, which has very hard water. Might be worth comparing the water hardness between your city and your parents' (most of the time the city water service will have values for it on their website, but you can also get kits to test it for super cheap online). I don't think it could be causing all these problems, but it might at least be contributing to your breakouts.
Yes it could very easily be stress related... if you speak to them on the phone or Zoom, do you get any similar or other negative symptoms? Consider this maybe?
I don't get these symptoms when I talk to them on the phone, at least not that I've noticed. But I'll think about that next time I do and see if there's a corelation.
Do they smoke? When I was a kid, a friend has a parent who was a pretty heavy smoker and I was always kind of sensitive to the smell and the fumes that were around.
Good thought, but no, they don't smoke but I do. No less or more than when I'm not here.
Usually for me humidity and dryness are flipped compared to what you describe. Humidity is way better. So it could just be that as you mentioned (but flipped).
Bringing your own water seems like a good test (better than bringing their water back).
Couple of data points from my experience:
I had IBD/stomach issues for years that I'm pretty sure were tied to going to church every week. It took not going during the pandemic, then thinking about starting to go again to realize that it was tied to that, mainly because it was such an invariant in my upbringing. My wife didn't really "believe" it was like that until I volunteered for a day of VBS to bail her out -- it wasn't even at the church, just a park, but she observed that I was a wreck for about a week after. A therapist has put it thus: "when you have a physical reaction to being in a certain place or with certain people, it's a sign that being there is significantly at odds with your values".
On the physical environment front, I would look at mold. The room you stay in could be affected more than others, especially if it is rarely used by anyone else. We grew up with water beds, and after I left for college, one in my sister's room (next to my room, but at the other end of the house from my parents' room) developed a major leak. Even though they cleaned it up and supposedly dried everything out, after that, it always made me sick to sleep there. This was in the early 2ks when there was less awareness of mold issues. Eventually they moved (not because of that) so it was never resolved.
I now live 1200 miles from where I grew up. I had all kinds of allergies growing up, but the things I'm mostly allergic to are 1200 miles away, and I have almost no allergy problems here, in contrast to my wife, who grew up in this general climate zone and has crazy fall allergies. When I go back to the hometown, I'm good for a day or two, then I have to start taking allergy medicine.
In terms of advice/diagnosis: next time you visit, you could try staying at a hotel and drinking only bottled water (as other people have pointed out). If that's out of reach financially, maybe you could crash with a family friend instead. If that makes a difference, it would distinguish between something in the home environment and something in the environment more generally.
From there, what I would do next depends on the relationship with my parents. If they are open to hearing there's an issue, maybe that opens up things like mold/water/environmental testing. Who knows, you could really save them from something. However, it's possible to be in a good place with them and this still not be a thing they have the werewithall/energy/bandwidth to follow through on.
The other tack could be that staying in a hotel could just be your new normal. This could help if it's environmental or trauma based. I have family that always stays in a hotel when they visit, and it's not a "we don't like you", mostly it's a combination of "we don't want to intrude" and "we like our own space / to be able to go at our own pace". However, when we visit my in-laws, we have started staying elsewhere, and it's really helped us put some boundaries around problematic interactions with them.
Are there any foods you eat only with them? For example, does your dad grill a steak every time you visit, and you never eat red meat otherwise?