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LGBTQ folks check-in thread - how're you all doing?
I don't want to rehash US election stuff here, but I wanted to make a space for fears and support, and idk, some community here for us. Don't feel obligated to focus on the US election, but if that's what you're dealing with it's an ok space for those feelings.
Shifting constantly between sadness and unbridled rage. Trying to find comfort in community but simultaneously aware that at best half the country doesn't care about us, and many of those people actively want to hurt us. I took the last week off of work to just process. Him winning the popular vote is really disheartening
I was really hoping we were done with this shit for a while.
Much 💜
Ive definitely felt the rage too
I wouldn't get too hung up on the popular vote. While the GOP is ecstatic Trump is the first Republican in something like two decades to win the popular vote, it's becoming clear this was a case of Harris badly underperforming rather than Trump actually winning over more Americans:
2020
Biden: 81.3M Trump: 74.2M
2024
Harris: 70.7M Trump: 74.3M
The numbers for 2024 are still getting trued up, but a big takeaway is that Trump really didn't gain any new ground. That's not to say there isn't an abundance of hate and bad stuff out there, but MAGA is likely at its peak. It might be a hellish four years while Trump tanks the economy with tariffs, RFK reeks havoc with healthcare, and Musk guts agencies to the point of severe dysfunction, but I'm hopeful the reality of the destructive nature of Trumpism and MAGA will be apparent to a lot more Americans.
Well, I certainly hope so, but the past eight years have seen Trump saying and doing ever more unacceptable things. Reasonable people keep thinking that now finally his followers will see the light, but it never seems to happen. Nothing seems to put a dent in his popularity.
About Harris underperforming, I don’t think the election was rigged or anything like that, but it’s very hard for me to reconcile the stadium-filling rallies, long lines at polling places, and outpouring of donations and volunteer work with her lackluster performance on election day. I myself donated a decent amount, and even wrote postcards to swing states, and I never do things like that. I really don’t get it, especially when you compare her campaign with Trump’s poorly attended rallies, where people walked out on his low energy, aimless speeches. If you had asked me to predict which group of voters would decide that it wasn’t worth the hassle of voting this time around I wouldn’t have picked the Democrats.
Trump's poorly attended rallies are consistent with his vote numbers. Again, he wasn't expanding his base. The rallies were attended by die hard MAGAs who wanted to see their rock star / Jesus 2.0 and be entertained. Trump was preaching to the choir and not converting anyone.
I'm sure I'll get some static over this statement, but Harris honestly was a big zero for a lot of us middle-aged Democrats, myself included, prior Biden stepping aside. I was never excited about her, but I would never withhold a vote when we had some madman like Trump as the alternative.
I'm really interested in seeing the break down of the 10M who voted for Biden, but not for Harris. We had some number of Democrats who were upset with Gaza and applied a liberal purity test, and stayed home rather than voting. I put these people in the 'moron' category as Trump will be happy for Gaza to be decimated. But I digress. There are undoubtedly a lot of minorities and first-generation immigrants in the 10M that have been mistakenly treated as a monolithic voting block. If this is as simple as low information voters saying "the economy sucks, I'm voting for the allegedly rapist felon guy", I'm going to be face-palming myself even more.
Speculating here, but I could imagine a voter who both highly disliked Harris, esp in gaza, and does not see Trump as an existential threat. It seems unlikely to me, but some could read his talk as bombastic.
I may be older than you, and yeah, I felt the same way about her as VP. She was pretty much a nonentity for me. I wouldn't say I got excited about her, but when she stepped in I thought she might be able to do it. She had the qualifications and track record without the tarnish of 30 years of Republican mud-slinging that Hillary had. I assumed that compared to Trump, who was clearly not all there anymore, she had a solid chance. But I guess I'm living in my own bubble in a way, caused by the MAGA/Fox News bubble. I have a very hard time seeing the world the way Trump's followers do.
On reflection it seems to me that most voters just go with who they like on a personal level, and the Democratic presidential candidates who have lost in my lifetime have tended to project a supercilious air, or could be seen that way at least. Obama came dangerously close to giving that impression, but neither of his opponents really had the common touch either. One of the complaints about Al Gore well before he became vice president was that he seemed to think he was better than other people, whereas Dubya famously was "a guy you could have a beer with". People didn't know what Trump's policies were, exactly, but they felt like they knew him from seeing him on TV for so long, and he told them he shared their worries about the price of eggs or whatever. If the Democrats are ever going to elect another president, they are going to have to come up with someone like Bill Clinton, who despite being a bona fide intellectual managed to come across as a regular guy.
The beer factor is real. As is the “outsider” vibe that 2008 Obama and 2016 Trump both had.
With many many more billions poured in, with cult leader elom musk and news all bought up, it's actually pretty comforting he couldn't get any new ground.
To be clear, per current estimates from AP, there's still around 7 million votes left to count. About 4 and a half million of those are from California. If the remaining ballots in all 12 states with <98% counted come in at the same ratio for each state, Harris should wind up with ~75.5M votes, beating Trump's 2020 total.
If it’s any consolation, less than half of the population voted. So the numbers aren’t 1:1 with how many people you meet feel about you.
I count those folks as not caring about us. If they can't even be bothered to do even the bare minimum, what good are they as "allies"?
Maybe they’re just uninformed. Some people are surprisingly checked out of politics.
Then they aren't good allies. Why do we keep giving the unwilling-to-be-engaged a free pass?
I don't think anyone was saying that they're allies at all, just that they aren't active foot soldiers for those that want to hurt us.
Agreed. That is basically what was said above - like, this is the epitome of not caring.
They're definitely not allies.
Thoughts of self-harm and suicide by others
I spent several hours with our LGBTQ themed floor residents talking about survival on Wednesday, but by Friday among my college students, I had a student make a suicide attempt, several suicidal ideations, and one drive themselves to the hospital. All at least partially and some primarily impacted by the elections.
And while I've been doing ok, personally and am working through my feelings, my students' despair, and fear and everything is so heavy, I couldn't bear it anymore. Thankfully it was Friday. So I'm trying to take care of myself so I can pick back up Monday
Sounds like a very, very hard day at work. Big hugs.
It was overwhelming, and had it not been something that impacted me, not primarily my queer students it might not have been so overwhelming but I felt crushed by it all and not at my best
Generally fine. Moving to a blue state after Trump's last term assuaged most of my fears and anxieties. While things will get worse under Trump, the social acceptance of queer people is still way higher than it was 20+ years ago. At the very least, there seems to be zero chance same-sex marriages would ever be retroactively annulled, and congress passed a law under Biden forcing states to recognize marriages performed in other states.
I keep all my clothes in a cupboard under my staircase so my parents don't find them. I'm 32 years old. This doesn't feel cute. Getting ready feels like a chore because I have to drag out every femme piece of clothing I own out of that cupboard, dig through it, etc. I want a real closet and a pretty vanity to get ready at. I never thought I'd still be living with my parents at 32. I fell to depths of depression that I didn't know existed. I felt ways that I didn't know I could, ways I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. That's what landed me in this circumstance so I try to give myself some grace, but it's hard not to be ashamed. I've come a long way the last 6 months. I was afraid things were going to end badly. There's a lot of work to do and the fear of my depression getting that severe again looms over me, but I'm proud of myself for still being here.
I'm proud of you too, for all it matters from a random online. Don't let the assholes outlive you. And I hope you find ways to feel a bit more femme and a bit more you every day. 💜💜💜
it absolutely matters, truly <3 thank you the kind words. hope you're having the best day!
You should be very proud!
Man, the stairs situation super sucks. Do you have a tackle box / tool box that's actually plush lined and chok full of cute earrings and fun fashion rings with sparkly nail polish inside? :)
ty so much!
haha no tackle box, but that is an excellent idea. sadly i don't own a whole lot of jewelry at the moment, but i've got lots of bookmarks to change that.
!!!! Cute and tiny jewelry add a lot of personality to even just the standard jeans and T-shirt outfit :) they're easy to put on or away. I hope you start to collect many pieces that bring you joy and make you feel pretty <3
you're so right. i think for a long time i was afraid to put down the money for jewelry pieces because i wasn't sure about what i liked. but i figured out the truth: i do know what i like, i'm just afraid other girls won't like my outfits, jewelry, etc. i needed affirmation so bad, i was frequently running pieces by friends before i would purchase. like "hey is this cute or am i going to look dorky?". i just realized what a disservice i was doing myself. expressing my genuine self is a huge part of being trans for me, i don't need a stamp of approval to wear things i like.
Also like, look at thrift stores and the like, it is absolutely worth spending the money on pieces you like but if you're still figuring out your style, or want to bounce between aesthetics you can do it cheaply and then invest later. My friend found a bunch of stuff at a local "antique and flea market" shop with multiple "booths" in it just this weekend for all a little bit of nothing, including a tiara.
Love thrift stores! I think I'll always be a mashup of aesthetics and a thrift store is about as varied as it gets. I'm lucky that a friend of mine works at a thrift store so I very very often get first glance at new stuff coming in. Once my wardrobe is a bit bigger I'm going to try to convert to thrift/2nd hand only. I've been working to cut out all fast fashion purchases.
I'll second the thrift pieces! Yay costume jewelry! Sometimes a girl wants to try on a look before putting down a thousand on a "grown up" version of the same piece you know? On a certain subreddit folks group buy zircon / moissanite rings set in silver to see if they like it before spending way more on moissanite / lab grown diamonds and gold of the same piece.
And you're young! Buy them $5 earrings with a cute bird or whacky flower or whatever! Bracelets are also very low key items that you can tuck inside winter sleeves if you're feeling shy. Rings on a thin chain around your neck also tucks behind shirts fine. There are also earrings that can be converted into pendants.
:p I grew up being criticized for wanting to wear jewelry because it's "tacky and slutty", so I hide a lot of accessories to this day....
I noticed folks usually wear maybe only one or two pieces of accessories at a time. Example, maybe earrings and an anklet today, just a tiny pin with a ring tomorrow. I like matching earrings necklaces sets but they seem ultra formal nowadays. Some people can really pull off more pieces so if that's what you want that's wonderful too
Yesss absolutely, give me all the costume jewelry. I just can't afford to pay for the grown up version only to realize it actually isn't my vibe. As far as rings, they've been the most challenging pieces to buy for me. I'm definitely in the upper range of ring sizes. I've been able to find some basic rings that have an adjustable band, but nothing that screams at me to put it on before leaving.
I adore whacky and novel earrings. I've spent so many hours on etsy just wishlisting wild earrings and bookmarking stores. I've been watching out for a pair that strikes me as elegant too. I can't go to someone's wedding with dangly sriracha bottle earrings!!
i'm sorry :( tacky and slutty are compliments IMO. i feel like when name-calling gets involved it just means they could be doing the thing you're doing and are mad they can't release their inhibitions and feel the rain on their skin. I mean,
I try to wear a piece everywhere that it is normal to do so. it makes me feel like attention will go to the pieces of jewelry instead of wherever areas that I don't feel confident about. True or not, it makes me FEEL that way and that's what's important lol. I don't feel like I notice a lot of people wearing matching jewelry sets much, it does read a little formal but not massively. your link seems to not work :(
On accessories, I'm also a big fan of little neck scarves and hair bows. They just look so darling. I hardly have any though and I bet etsy would be a great place to get some.
Neck scarf and hair bows *squee!
And you're so right about insults being about them being jealous they can't do something because of their inhibitions. I'm stealing your quote to remember forever
I'm really proud of you for persisting, despite the obstacles. Someday (hopefully soon) you'll have that real closet and pretty vanity. It's a tough situation for now but I believe you can get through it. The world is better with you in it.
you're very kind, i appreciate it <3 persistence is hard... it takes so long to see the the positive results. thankfully, i'm starting to see those results and now my days are a little easier and the act of persisting is also easier.
i'm truly thankful for the online queer community. there's a lot of kindness that goes around, or at least there has been from my point of view. as toxic as the internet has become, i'm grateful for the day i learned the word "transgender" on reddit and everything else fell into place.
Treading water, mostly. Where I live used to be blue, but it reddened quite a bit. I'm waiting for crushing despair to hit, especially in the late night hours, but it surprisingly hasn't (as someone who has grappled with insomnia due to invasive thoughts, this is welcome!)
The initial shock has passed and I try not to think about it. Just like all the other awful things that I try not to think about, mostly unrelated. But then on the bad days it all gets to me and I suppose this is just yet another thing to add to the pile.. having a rare good day today though. Had a visit and we went out to a cafe and then to an eatery afterwards, and then played games with a friend in the evening so it was nice to keep my mind off it for the most part tody
I have a friend visiting and we went shopping in the nearby downtown today, all into queer friendly shops and galleries. I didn't buy much but it was a good day. Distraction matters
My partner and I celebrated our anniversary today, and we spent much of the evening at the queer pub in our city. It was comforting to see queer folks out, about, and being themselves. Otherwise it's been a bit grim, I'm in the UK and so the Trump fears are less direct, but I'm sure everyone is aware that it's, erm, not great here either, and of course it's all part of a very worrying global trend. I've had some long conversations with US friends in the last week. I have really just been trying to think about it all less. My life got a lot better when I stopped seeking out trans politics news, reading the relevant subreddits, etc. But like @smoontjes said, on bad days it all gets to me! Sometimes it feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?
I'm insulated from the danger in so many ways, but I've got queer and trans friends and family in Michigan and Florida. I'm really scared for them, mostly the ones in Florida, and I feel like there's nothing I can do to help. One friend in Florida is trans, does not pass, and already struggles quite a lot with her mental health. I'm really worried about her, and all I can do is worry and ask if she's okay and send her pictures of my cats. I feel privileged but useless. I feel like my friends are on a sinking ship and I'm watching from dry land, too far away do anything but hope they can swim.
I hope your friends are ok and safe. My community is talking about resources to help trans folks relocate to Illinois. As I find out about them, would a PM with info be helpful?
I don't think any of them are willing to relocate right now, but I would still definitely appreciate the PM in case that changes.
I get it, but yeah I know our UU church is organizing. I'm not a member but I've tabled a trans resource fair there and know a few folks. I couldn't try today but I am going to see how to get involved myself.
When I figure stuff out I'll share, or share my Signal or wherever we are at that point ಠ︵ಠ
I live in SF and have a good job, so I'm pretty isolated from what the rest of the country does. I'm arguably living in the most progressive city in the world (it's the only one with a transgender district) for trans folks and I have a strong trans community. I'm pretty involved in community and I have to say the energy post-election towards getting off our collective butts and actualizing the plans we've had for things that didn't seem so pressing at the time has been really great to watch! I'm looking to get more involved with a local anarchist collective (which happens to be heavily trans) on a few decentralization projects they are thinking about and hoping to get plugged into more local community focused projects where impact can be maximized.
I'm personally safe, having moved out of the US in 2018, but I've been messaging my friends back in the States to let them know that if things get truly dire, I'm here to help get them out. Hopefully it won't come to that, but you never know.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to start HRT and struggling to find a doctor who does hormone therapy, doesn't have a reputation for being awful, and has any appointments. For all the problems with US trans healthcare, I wish Europe had informed consent clinics like they do there.
Good luck, I know European healthcare options bring their own levels of issues. But it's exciting you're starting that process!
Be safe!
fwiw, drugs of all stripes can be gotten easily, cheaply, and safely from the internet
I'm looking to start T, so it's not quite so safe to buy it on the internet, so I'm saving that as a last resort. My wife did that when she started hers though and it went well for her -- I suspect she got her appointment faster because we were able to word it as looking for a doctor to "continue" her treatment.
testosterone is much safer to get illicitly than estrogen because the market is orders of magnitude larger
True but it's less safe on the "I need to stay squeaky clean while I don't have citizenship or permanent residency" front unfortunately... I haven't ruled out ever doing it, but I'll exhaust my legal options first. I live in a big enough city that I have a fair few endos to bother for an appointment on the phone first, at least!
legal angle is a wash, since you can almost certainly get it domestically, so the chance of its getting discovered is essentially nil. leaving aside the chance of seeing legal consequences if it does get discovered, which is also essentially nil. but don't let me decide your risk tolerance for you
how long till you can get pr? is the immigration process where you are (de, right?) as much of a pain as it is here in canada? :p
It's definitely less of a pain than in the US, idk much about how Canada compares. Assuming the CDU doesn't nuke the new citizenship law when they come into power, all I need to do is pass the B1 language test, which I think I could do with only a short period of actually studying. And then all the paperwork ofc, but other than that I meet the requirements. Permanent residency requirements are actually not that much different from those for citizenship -- I need B1 for that too bc I'm not a refugee -- so there's no downside atm to applying for citizenship instead.
I think I might also need to get a new job (luckily my visa is spousal, not work-related) to get any of them, but I plan on doing that anyway for more practical purposes like buying food and paying rent.
I'm personally in a relatively safe spot, but I know a couple of trans people in Florida and Texas who are planning to move as soon as they can afford to, and gay/lesbian people who are not sanguine about their marriage rights. I can "pass" with my own gender non-conformities and am no longer of reproductive age, but anyone who's gendered on the female end of the spectrum ought to be concerned for a host of reasons.
The Supreme Court, as currently constituted, has shown no hesitation in overturning established law. They've already snuck in questions about Obergefell v. Hodges. At best, they'll "leave it to the states". I'm not confident that a Republican Congress will provide any Federal civil rights protections, Peter f'ing Theil notwithstanding. Billionaires can always buy protection for their individual attributes, up until they can't, because fascism eats its own. Just incredibly sad that people were too turned off or tuned out by "politics" that they couldn't be bothered to protect what was still viable in the status quo.
im a very pessimistic person in general which i think has somehow helped me in this situation. ive always believed things will get worse and so far ive been right, its just happening faster now. i feel mostly the same as i did before the election, this just lit a fire under my ass to get my shit sorted out a lot sooner rather than later. currently stockpiling supplies for homebrewing my own hrt for myself and others if it comes to it. tbh i dont really care what happens to me as long as i can insulate others from the bullshit so thats my main focus right now.
I'm gonna be honest I'm completely done talking with any liberal at this point in my life. I know that they are going to take the Democratic party's lies that we (trans people) stabbed them in the back at face value, and blindly goose step into 1939.
I have basically no patience for cis people, especially cis affluent people anymore. I knew the elite of this country thought I was subhuman but I didn't think they were quite so stupid as to willingly lose instead of refute it. I have been expecting a backstab from liberal society about our rights for some time but I expected them to do it after winning.
And the absolute gall of the Democrats to try fundraising immediately after the loss. People are going to die. My friends. The cost of their mistakes are going to be borne by my community. And the entire time cis """allies""" are just going to fucking watch, never lifting a fucking finger.
That said, at least now I know. I know that I was right and that there is little time left. And all that remains now is to prepare.
I hope very much you're not in need of it, but stay as safe as you can.
I'm not ok. I've been feeling that same feeling as 2016, but worse. I've also taken on a lot of mental load from Mr. Tired because he's been on the precipice of a full mental breakdown for the better part of this year.
We're both lucky that we're cisgendered and in a straight-passing relationship in California, but I'm queer and he's demi. We likely won't be clocked for anything if we need to go elsewhere, but I still worry about all of my other lgbtq+ siblings and friends. I know I shouldn't, but I have a hard time not taking on the worry of the rest of the world.
Once Mr. Tired starts meds, I will probably feel some relief, but until then, I am still going to be here trying hard not to start biting my nails again and stressing about everyone else in danger.
I know the feeling of mostly being ok but not being sure about everyone else and then not being ok again
I don't like that feeling, if I'm being honest. I don't think it's just or fair to be able to feel like this, and it was something I had to work really hard in in therapy in 2016.
💜 it's not incumbent on you to suffer because others are, or none of us could ever do anything but suffer. It isn't fair, but no injustice is, and you didn't cause that injustice. That unfairness is not your burden to have to carry.
But I understand carrying it.
Hugs. Thanks for the reminder. It's always hard to remember that. For now, I've signed up to be part of my city's city council parks and rec commission. it's one small part I can do, and hopefully it'll help me feel better about the injustices I can't control.
I've been collecting quotes right now and this is one 💜
I like that. I like it a lot. <3 This quote feels healing somehow. I need to reread small, angry planet, and maybe the whole series (going onto my TBR list from my library/NOT stealing from Audible)
If you haven't hit up Monk and Robot it's also full of quotes. Becky Chambers is such a wonderful comfort for me.
Bad, I was already in a less than stellar mental state and now I have to deal with the fact that the people who rather I didn't exist are now in charge.
If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.
This is not an easy time, do what you can to take care of yourself. Don't let the assholes and bigots outlive you.