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Queer temperature check: how is everyone doing right now?
I think we all know how things are at large, but I wanted to check in with people individually.
How are you doing right now?
This topic is a safe space to share fears, anxieties, and frustrations. If you need to vent, or rage against something, or wallow, or let it all out, you can do so here. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. I’m certain you’re not alone in that.
This is also a safe space to share successes, hopes, and progress. Just as it’s okay to dwell on the bad stuff, it’s also okay to highlight any positives. It’s little bright spots like those that help us see more than just darkness, after all. I’m sure other people could use some good news.
As of two weeks ago, my long-distance partner of six years is no longer long-distance!
I moved from the UK to Texas (yes, I know) to be with him after finally getting the fiancé visa approved. I'm still a little giddy at us finally being together; the whole thing still feels surreal.
I'm a mixed bag of emotions too, of course. I was nervous as hell coming here because we're in quite a rural area, and it's Texas. I haven't met anyone directly homophobic yet though, at least not to our faces; his family have been awesome, the people we've been contacting to get wedding stuff booked have been fine with everything, and even his church fellowship were pretty nice and accepting. I'm also an indoorsy/introverted person in general though so haven't been meeting many people outside of that.
I'm happy with finally making the leap, and hopeful about the future. I know the country is taking major steps backwards, and I don't want to downplay that at all, but just from a personal perspective I'm happier being with him even though it means we'll have to deal with that. Six years was a long time to be long distance for (especially with covid stopping visits in the middle).
Congratulations on getting to be with your partner in person! I’m glad his family is so accepting - that’s not always the case.
And welcome to the frying pan that is Texas.
Thank you! I'm definitely lucky on the family front. I think they weren't always that way, but he came out a very long time ago and they had a lot of time to come to terms with that.
I had a conversation with one of his family members who said that their (other) church shouldn't be preaching against gay people when there are murderers out there they could be preaching against instead. Which I wasn't really sure how to respond to! I appreciated the sentiment, but obviously the reasoning being based around homosexuality being a sin doesn't make me feel great.
But considering they've been brought up in those kind of churches with heavily anti-LGBT messaging everywhere, I'm hugely appreciative of them questioning it and coming to a different conclusion. It's not all the way to acceptance, but that's a huge step on the way there.
From https://ivn.us/posts/are-there-more-democrats-texas-republicans-2025-08-08:
However, the thing that surprises many people is that current figures show Democrats outnumber Republicans in Texas. This may seem strange considering how much control Republicans have in the state.
Total Registered Voters: 17,485,702
Democrats: 8,133,683 (46.52%)
Republicans: 6,601,189 (37.75%)
Unaffiliated: 2,750,830 (15.73%)
Worth mentioning! Glad you're feeling a warm welcome. :)
Skimming it, this caught my eye:
So I don't know Texas's political landscape that well, but I live in Indiana which is solidly red. I'm registered as independent, but both I and my mother have voted in the Republican primaries for state offices because some of the positions had only one or no Democrats running at all. Heck, my mom even voted Republican for the 2016 Presidential primary to try to pick the candidate least likely to win.
If Texas is similar, the number of Democrats may be higher. Alas, that doesn't really help though when it's set up to actively ensure Republicans get all the power in Texas, and they make all the rules...
I'm surprised to hear that! Although I guess it makes sense with cities generally leaning that way.
The map in the article does show the area I'm in as heavily red, which is about what I expected. I've generally steered clear of politics in conversation, but I know from my fiance that most of his family members (including the ones being very nice to me) vote republican. The impression I'm getting is that most of them don't really follow politics and have just been brought up in a world where voting republican is considered the morally right thing to do.
Yeah, that's how it was when I lived in Montana, too. While there were True-Believer MAGA types around, there really wasn't that many of them. Certainly fewer than you'd think based on media reporting. Most of the folks I knew that were Republican across the board voters were actually pretty decent people in person. It's hard to square what they vote for vs. who they are, but that's how it was.
This year has been kinda a wild ride for me. My wife left me in January and not in a way that paid much consideration to me as a person, so that's been hard as shit, but weirdly it seems to have been one of the best things that's happened to my mental health in a while. I was suicidal back in December of last year, and now I wouldn't even characterize myself as struggling with depression symptoms. Part of it is very much, I think, the fact that going through something like that forced me out of a spiral of stagnation that I was definitely trapped in. Part of it is that reaching out to friends and family in the aftermath really opened my eyes to how much love and support I have. Part of it is sort of a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" type thing. And part of it is probably that my relationship was a lot worse than I realized it was while I was in it. All told, I'm probably in one of the best places I've been at mental health-wise since well before I got married. I still have my struggles and am definitely traumatized by the experience to at least some extent. But damn if my day-to-day isn't worlds better than it was before.
I recently started a casual thing with a guy I like, and it's the first person I've been with who thinks of me as a guy at all and calls me his boyfriend. We're long distance so there are some big limitations to what we can do together, but I'm still having fun and that's what matters. My last relationship in retrospect had a lot of pressure not to go "too far" in my transition, since my ex-wife identified as a lesbian, and I definitely was unconsciously holding myself back for the sake of others. I probably still am in some ways, but at least now I'm having fun and learning more about myself in tandem. And it feels so nice to be loveable and attractive to someone for the first time in such a long time.
What was happening to you for all that time really fucking sucks and I'm so sorry for that. I'm really glad you're now in a better place & you have someone who actually loves you for who you are. You deserve that love, care, and affection and you deserve to truly be yourself freely without leaving one closet and entering another. I know it won't erase all the trauma, but I truly wish someday it'll be merely a faint memory for you.
This is very sweet, thank you. Things are far from perfect, but I think a lot of the worst bits have worked out for the best. And hey, at least I'm getting my money's worth from therapy now.
I love how you have found joy after a really bad time. I find it inspirational because even though I don't have the same gender aspect to my story, I relate to it a lot because I've had plenty of times when I have left a bad situation where I realize exactly how much I'd been weighed down and limited by the situation I've been in. It's a fantastic feeling to be able to love yourself.
Pretty good I guess. I'm mostly past the really awkward phases of transitioning now. I'm fairly happy with my body now & I'm no longer disgusted by its existence, though some few parts of me still make me dysphoric. I'm fully out to almost everyone I know, of any age group, and everyone has been accepting. I started getting gendered properly by randos recently & I'm currently "rebuilding" my wardrobe.
I was pretty anxious transitioning in the mid-2020s with whatever's going on in other parts of the world, but I was surprised to find that, here, it's all... fine? As in, both where I come from & when I live now, nobody ever gives the slightest of fucks about me being very visibly trans, when both of those areas lean somewhat conservative?
I still need to bother making some new friends physically. But other than that, things are going gucci.
I'm feeling meh about a lot of things. I'm coming off a huge high of going to a wedding at a dream destination (not my wedding, Mr. Tired and I have been married for 4 years now), but I got to be a part of a wedding at my dream destination, and honestly, that's good enough for me. I'm itchy from being bitten to hell by mosquitos, including ON my new tattoo.
I'm also not feeling great about points to all of this, and I am doing my best to do what I can as a straight-passing, white-passing person while also trying to take care of myself and deal with my own chronic illnesses.
i’d say pretty good. two months on estrogen with enough to last me two more years; a blossoming t4t relationship; local queer group for community that we both attend; and a new attitude to taking up some more space as a trans woman after a car crash on saturday. i use the women’s toilets now, life’s too short to not…
Welcome to the fem side! 💜
I may just be a random stranger on the interwebzzz but I'm still proud of you and how far you've come already. It's genuinely a great thing you made this realisation so early on in your transition "journey" & I'm very glad you survived that car crash. Boldly and confidently being yourself is a great mindset to have and it positively affects others' perception of you.
thank you for all your kind words!
i think it helps that mentally i feel like i’ve progressed a lot further, and also that i spend a lot of time in more queer accepting spaces. i’m not the most femme girl around (nor do i want to be) so it is just about being myself without apology at this point. quite a few people have told me they think i look feminine despite the way i dress which helps (life-long moonface paying dividends now!) and through the dysphoria even I can sometimes tell E has been very good to me.
and yeah, things like car crashes put things into perspective. gotta try and live each day like it’s my last as saturday so nearly was, and i don’t want my last day to be spent worrying about how others view me/my gender/any other aspect of my life
I promise it gets a lot better :)
Honestly, femme clothing (or even makeup) is absolutely not "required" to consistently look "feminine enough" and/or be perceived as your gender, even early on. Confidence and taking care of your appearance is easily half of the deal as soon as HRT starts to work its way. Masc-coded clothes can still absolutely work "in your favour" rather than against you, as long as they're well-fitting and are paired well together :)
I stopped reading all news two weeks ago and honestly I feel great. I mean, it's not like I've gone around telling the government I'm trans; I've got a passport; the women I live with are rich. Still feel a bit low-level anxious all the time, but y'know, life goes on and that's what the edibles are for.
My trans brother is getting married to his trans wife this week! (S/o to straight t4t) I'm really happy for them but it does hurt a little because most of our family isn't attending the wedding for "moral" reasons, and he's pretty bummed. I wrote him a toast and a card and I'm worried that they're a little purple because I've been poetry brained all month. Pray I don't make a fool of myself I guess.
Oh wow, really happy for your brother and his wife!
And, honestly, regarding the toast & card - I 100% think you'll own it :)
Do you ever feel bad about passing as straight?
I’m able to pass as straight too since I’m in a straight relationship and sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud, insincere to who I am.
I love my life. I love my s/o, and I wouldn’t ever change how it ended up. I just miss that part of myself, and sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in one of the few communities who accepted me years ago.
This is more a question for my brother, as I'm an avowed (and I think obvious) dyke. But what he would say, because he shares my stupid fucking sense of humor, is that "passing" is a scam marketing tactic invented by Big Exclusion to sell more societal division. There will certainly be people who want to invalidate your queer identity based on aesthetics (many of them, other queer people). That sucks, but you and I, snake_case, we can do better than those people by remembering that appearances are an imperfect representation of the internal self. Maybe you will never be fully understood by other people at a glace, but as long as you and the people you love know better, you can be secure in who you are, and if people act like you don't belong because of aesthetics, then they were never going to be true comrades. And you can credit me when you write that into an episode of Bluey.
I mean, I know it's fucking trite, but I think it's important and even kind of radical to hammer it into your head that the aesthetics and the performative roles we adopt are instrumental, not terminal. That is to say, you adopt them to serve you, not vice-versa. The moment you start to try to be perceived a certain way, as an ultimate goal, is the moment you begin down the path to madness, because of course you can never control others' perceptions.
Idk. I'm not really a subject matter expert, I'm just trying to backport my own trans experience here so lmk if I'm way off the mark.
Passing is scam marketing, hahaha I love that.
I’m autistic, I dont really struggle with other peoples perceptions of me. I’m often not even aware of what they think of me and usually I cant even figure it out when I do try.
Its more of a feeling that I’m not true to myself. I’m not living an authentic life. I dont think about it a lot, but I cant shake the feeling.
There's kind of two ways to go about this. On the one hand, there's people like you and me where, yeah, passing as straight, cis, or whatnot is more of a luxury. That's not to say that people won't try to invalidate you because of your looks (or, hell, in the case of many trans folks, that you won't invalidate your own self completely unprompted), or that life's perfectly safe and all; as I said in another comment in this thread, there's no perfect land with fluffy unicorns and eternal rainbows. But aesthetics are just that; aesthetics. An incomplete and imperfect representation of you, as you said, and a means to an end.
But it's also important to recognise that this comes from a position of privilege for both of us, and that there's also people who have it a lot worse. Where passing as straight, cis, or whatnot is an absolute necessity because of the societies they live in, even if they're none of these things or if those aren't their actual end goal. In my case some of those people live as close as a couple hundred kilometres from my house if not closer. And, just a few years ago, they were right here too. In those cases, the situation flips. Aesthetics and roles are still a tool, but they're not a representation of you. They're theatre; they're a means to your continued existence.
That said, it's 4:00 past midnight over here and I'm typing this with 70% of my brain being asleep so there's a real chance I misunderstood the entire assignment here. If so, I apologise
I wasn't doing well the past two weeks. But now I'm mostly alright.
I've been identifying as bi for many years. But lately I've been considering maybe possibly being asexual.
Not sure how I feel about that.
Honestly, you'd be surprised how common this pathway is. It feels a lot of people in the aroace spectrum fall for the false mindset of "Do I like men? Maybe, don't know, not sure. Do I like women? Maybe, don't know, not sure. I guess I'm bi then".
Going to change your name to PossiblyAcepedal?
womp womp womp
Things are alright! Over the past year, I've realized I'm trans and started estrogen - I'm still in the very, very early stages of transitioning, and I'm still feeling a mixture of uneasiness & denial with excitement and relief. I'm writing something that collects all of my thoughts and anxieties about my transition in one place, which has been really helpful - I may post it here at some point. I've also started dating my boyfriend (t4t!), who I've known for a while and adore. It's long distance, which comes with its own set of challenges - we met in San Diego while we were in college and I live in San Francisco now. Though, my last relationship was also long distance, so I suppose I have "practice".
As for San Francisco, it's great for queer people. I feel less awkward about experimenting with presenting fem in public than I would elsewhere - there are queer folks everywhere, so people tend not to bat an eye. Though, it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows - last weekend while my boyfriend was visiting, a guy started making weird comments at us on the bus. We ignored him at first, but an old woman stepped in and told him to buzz off, at which point he started harassing her. He started shoving things in her face and it looked like he was about to get physical with her. I told him to leave her alone, at which point he lurched at me with his arm raised, called me a faggot, said he'd "never lost a fight to a homo," and then spat at me. He then spent the rest of the ride mumbling about how there's "so many homos" these days. I sort of laughed it off, and this nice group of teenagers behind us asked if I wanted a seat - I wasn't hurt, but now I find myself double-guessing myself while presenting queer in public :/
Yeah, the first few months can be fucking tough, all things considered... So many things change, and the expanded range of emotions many folks get when moving to E as their dominant hormone definitely doesn't help. Something that personally helped me deal with the uncertainty etc. very early on was setting up a proper self-care routine some days of the week. Skincare, nails, hair care, depilation, eyebrows, teaching yourself makeup, or anything else you feel like that treats your body with the care it deserves.
Sadly, there's always gonna be the potential for -phobic idiots to try to make you feel uncomfortable, but it gets better eventually. It's true there's no "perfect place with fluffy unicorns" anywhere in the world, and it's important to take your time, but on the other hand it's also important to not go back into a closet.
Who the fuck decides to be publicly homophobic in San Francisco of all places? The only place worse to do that would be Provincetown during Bear Week.
There's always folks in cities that are the absolute worst match for their personality and ideology and San Francisco is no exception to this. It's much rarer per capita than other places, but I've gotten my fair share of slurs thrown at me. Simultaneously it's also the place where I've gotten the most compliments on my outfit on a daily basis.
I'm not doing well. I only came out as trans a few months ago so everything is new and frustrating. I've been doing everything besides starting estrogen. Voice training, facial hair removal, new name, etc. My appointment with an endocrinologist is coming up which is exciting but I'm getting more and more anxious about it as it gets closer. On days where I'm not dysphoric I start doubting myself if I'm really trans or just a femboy. All of the changes on estrogen sound appealing to me so why am I doubting myself so much?
I've neglected my voice training because I'm just too depressed to do it. I have no motivation to do it even though it's my biggest barrier from passing. Hoping my HRT will help with my dysphoria induced depression because this is genuinely awful right now.
First off - you're not alone; many of us have been there. The anxiety is natural - it's something that feels like a huge, sudden and scary change, etc. etc. and you may feel like you have no clue what you're doing or who you are. Good news? You lose nothing by trying out E for like a month. If you realise it makes you feel horrible and gives you biochemical dysphoria symptoms, you figure out you're not trans and you just stop. Almost all physical changes will reverse themselves, and any minimal breast growth (if any) is going to be so little that it's just going to atrophy back into a conventionally male-looking chest. That said, let's be honest with ourselves, odds are you're definitely trans. And that's fine. What now?
Lots of things will change. First emotionally. Then physically. On the one hand you're gonna start getting the will to exist again, for the first time after you entered puberty. For the first time in many years, you feel like you're the one who controls your body. You're no longer on autopilot. You no longer feel like a third-party observer in your own life. Your biochemical dysphoria starts lessening as soon as your body starts entering a new hormonal balance. You go to sleep, and when you wake up you swear your face looks different to yesterday but you can't quite put your finger on how. Your chest suddenly feels extremely sensitive, better invest in a sports bra. On the other hand, your emotions change a lot. Some things hit hard. The 2-3 weeks are tough in that regard. So many things you may have been repressing and bottling up for decades will suddenly surface. You might cry because of the slightest bullshit until you get used to your new emotional breadth and depth. That's fine. That's normal. You're not broken. Eventually you learn to handle your newfound emotions. Try to focus your emotions into a creative outlet until you do; I find it helps. Draw something. Even if it's shitty. Write how you feel. Maybe you decide you need therapy. Maybe you don't. Talk to a friend. Take care of yourself. You still hate your body, don't get me wrong, but your body finally starts feeling like your own. Take regular pictures of your face, even if it hurts. Maybe measure your body every few months. It's a surprise tool that will help us later.
You learn how to handle your emotions eventually. Your brain's changed since a couple of months ago. Your body and your face have changed, too. Maybe a little bit. Maybe crazy much. You're doing great. Every day that passes, dysphoria gets better. You start liking parts of your body for real, even if nobody might still see you for who you are. Remember: Transition is a marathon, not a sprint. You don't need to speedrun everything. Take your time. It hurts nobody still sees you as your actual gender, I know. It hurts like a fucking bitch. But it gets better. You feel like it's been months and you've barely changed. Yet, you look at your photos from 6 months ago and you see a completely different person. You measure your waist and - what the fuck, did it just suddenly get 10 whole centimetres smaller? Huh, do your old pants suddenly not fit you?
Internalised transphobia may still play tricks on you, but slowly and steadily, you look more and more like you everyday. One day you peek at the mirror and you get a tiny glimpse of her. As weeks go on, you get more and more glimpses on her. One day suddenly she's who you typically see in the mirror. People start perceiving you as who you are. Don't fall for the bait of being obsessed with cis-passing. It's not worth it. Not yet. Right now it's only gonna make you depressed. There's a time and space for everything. Believe it or not, you don't need to be perfect in order to be gendered correctly. Getting gendered correctly is an equation. Part of it is HRT. Part of it is confidence. Part of it is taking care of yourself. Part of it is dressing properly. If I get gendered correctly and can semi-pass while wearing just a pair of women's trousers and a button-up shirt, 0 jewellery, 0 makeup, and 1/3 of my face still having beard shadow even when I shaved so close I nearly removed my epidermis, believe me, so can you.
Find yourself more trans friends. If not in person, then at least online. You're not alone. We're a community. We're here for each other. It's gonna shock you how similar your experiences will be to the experiences of your peers. Some of your old friends or some of your relatives may not be happy with your transition. You deserve better than those people. You'll still find a proper job, by the way. You don't wanna work for a transphobic employer anyway, but there are good ones out there too.
A few years in and - you've completely made it. You're you now. The person you used to be is a faint memory you look nothing like and feel zero connection to. Except maybe for the fact that, say, you both like Star Trek. Or Star Wars. Or whatever. You accept the past for what it is/was. You live your life. Maybe you'll fully reach cis-passing levels. Maybe you'll remain visibly trans but still be gendered correctly. Both are fine, actually.
I just want to say to all the "baby trans" folks writing or in this thread, as someone who's been there recently - if you ever need to talk with someone, please know my PMs welcome you anytime. Other folks on/from tildes were here for me back when I needed it - or even when I still need it - and I wish to do the same for you all. I'm not your therapist, obviously, but I'm here. CC: @ducc, @bellewinn
Honestly I think doubting whether you're really trans is a universal experience among trans people -- even the people you think of who pass perfectly and if only you could look like them.
I've been sick for the past week; I waited for a while so I could answer in a way that wasn't me wishing for death. :P
I'm actually pretty damn fantastic, I think. The world is falling down around me but I specifically am doing pretty great. After quitting my old job I'm not making much money at all, but the work that I have is the most rewarding work I have ever had; as a private teacher, I'm working with kids who are actively improving themselves and actually want to be in classes with me. Because all of my classes have the students making final projects, I am frequently filled with pride to be able to see these kids' growth.
Beyond that, I've lost a tremendous amount of weight over the past few years, and thanks to more recently starting going to the gym, I have managed to improve my body image. I was struggling with body dysmorphia, and the jump in muscle growth going from sedentary to going to the gym four days a week feels good even if all my muscles and bones are stuck under a layer of marshmallow fluff.
On top of that, in a month and a half I'll be going on a cruise with a group of my friends that will also be a sort of anniversary trip.
On the one hand, I am fully staffed again at work and I walked out of work smiling because I feel my team is really good now
On the other we're going to lose access to SNAP next month if the government stays shut down. And my partner's PCP dropped him for missing appointments and while somehow amidst everything I'm doing better, it's all still too much.
So you know, so-so.
I'm in the middle of transitioning, and I live in Orem, UT. The culture here has been a rollercoaster since Kirk was assassinated at UVU.
Utah is very conservative, but quietly polite to queers. Historically, you'll get some smiles, and some staring, and that's it, in my experience. After the assassination, it became really tense for a bit, the way it never has been. I had a car drive up next to me on my walk and just hang out there, so I don't go on evening walks anymore.
My partner and kid and I are doing well in our relationships, and I am loving my transition. We're making plans to leave the US, but it's just so hard to do, and it might take a while.
I wish I could say anything more but, I hope you'll make it out of the us sooner than you expect :)
I am lucky enough to be able to pass as a straight white guy when I want. That at least buys me some time before I have to worry about myself. I am incredibly lucky in this regard and I try not to take that for granted because some of my best friends are much more obviously queer. We’ve all lived near each other for nearly 30 years and one of them is seriously researching what it would take to leave the country. It makes me sad that I might lose them but I will do whatever I can to help them.
So I guess, in short, I’m okay but I’m worried for my friends.