66
votes
What’s something you want to tell someone, but can’t?
This can be something you want to tell a specific person in your life, or something that you want to tell anyone but are unable to (for any reason).
Share it here instead.
Also, for everyone reading the things posted here, please be empathetic and understanding. Remember that the person posting knows their situation far better than we do.
I would apologize to my ex.
I'm happily married and have a son. I love my little family deeply and have no interest in being with my ex, but almost a decade later, I still feel immense guilt for how I treated her.
I was addicted to opiates and I was carrying a lot of baggage I hadn't dealt with. I couldn't begin to make a record of all the times I lied to her, and not just about my drug use. All she ever did was help me and be kind to me. We finally split up after I cheated on her in a particularly deceitful way.
It was awful at the time but it led to me getting clean and staying clean, and I know for a fact that getting away from me was better for her too. Through that process I was finally able to deal with my issues and I'm a much happier, healthier person now. Last I knew, she was also happy. She's in a long term relationship and has children.
I did apologize years ago and she made it clear that she wasn't interested in hearing it. I don't blame her. Short of having magic powers to show her my actual soul, I don't think I could sufficiently explain my behavior back then. It's like my eyes were completely closed to how unhealthy my mind was. Getting clean was like dying and being reborn for me.
It's sad to me that the very last thing I can do to finally show her some respect is to not speak to her. I'll never get to tell her how sorry I am, or that I genuinely hope my actions hurt me more than they hurt her. But back when I engaged with the recovery community, someone gave me a good piece of advice: "Sometimes the best way to apologize to a person you wronged is to never speak to them again."
I guess I've come to realize that the guilt I feel about this is the ultimate poetic justice. I behaved badly and I deserve to feel bad about it. I'm not living every day in misery. But reflecting on it does cause me pain and it ensures I will never treat someone that way again.
Congratulations on getting clean and healthy and having a loving family. That is no small feat when kicking opiates.
I do really like this line.
I honestly wish that more people would follow this advice. I have a handful of people that have wronged me in various ways over the last couple of decades and our paths in life have diverged greatly.
Every couple of years, one of them will do some online digging and find a phone number or my address (the latter being public record) and I will get a series of long winded voice messages or a series of letters wishing for forgiveness.
That only helps them, though. On an extreme majority of days, the wrongs of the past never get thought about. The wrongdoers are left in the past in my mind. They only surface and bother me when the person reaches out (or, I suppose, when threads like this show up). By asking for forgiveness to help get rid of the burden on their shoulders, it only picks the burden back up from the ground and throws it back on my shoulders.
It's definitely not fair to put it back on the person you wronged. And begging forgiveness could probably be seen as manipulative, because you're right that it would mostly benefit them. Probably the best way would be to reach out and say something like, "Hey I would like to apologize if and when you're open to hearing it. If not, I understand." At least, that's my opinion.
That said, after my own experience with guilt, I personally would forgive just about anyone if I felt they had made a genuine change. I have found that guilt can be an unbearable burden that lasts for many years. I wouldn't wish it on most people, provided their wrongdoing wasn't something totally abhorrent like murder or rape.
I also have found that forgiving people is very freeing as well, even if I don't think about the ways I've been wronged in my day to day. I also know I'm doing them a huge favor, and that part feels good too.
By the way, this isn't meant to be prescriptive. I'm not telling anyone to forgive. It's absolutely up to you. Just sharing my own experience.
I first saw the phrase on Reddit once, but it changed how I view situations like this.
I'm poorly phrasing it, but it was something like:
"Is the apology for them or for you?"
(These aren't necessarily mutually exclusive IMO.)
It changed my thought process around apologies to always consider:
"Could this apology negatively affect the person I'm apologizing to?"
If so, maybe it's best to just leave it alone and I just have to live with it.
Edit:
(meant to include below but accidentally sent early)
I really respect your awareness of how guilt affects others and your perspective on it.
It's very kind, so want to say thank you for that 🙂
Probably not quite the same thing, but I was in a similar position to your ex once. He hasn't tried to contact me in probably 10 years and every now and then I just take a minute to be grateful that he's stayed completely away. He hurt me in a way no one else ever has since (and hopefully never will), and all I want is to never hear from him again.
So just want to say, you're doing the right thing, and if you ever have doubts, don't write to her.
Don't worry, I won't.
I'm sorry your ex put you through that. I'm glad you got out of it and that, for one reason or another, he's decided to give you some peace. Is he still a piece of shit and found someone else to be awful to? Or did he end up getting it together? You don't have to answer that if it's a sore subject for any reason. Just can't help but be curious.
It sounds like things are going better for you these days?
First off congrats on finding health again :) and for your family
I think it would really hurt to not be able to deliver that closure....for yourself even if not for her. It might help to keep in mind that who she has rejected is the past you -- that maybe she didn't want a chance the past you could be telling more lies or have any opportunity to hurt her again. And NOT that she has thoroughly evaluated who you truly are currently as a person and then rejected the now healthy and more complete you.
It's like, if you were an ice cream vendor and she wanted to buy a mint chip cone, but all you had at the time were this other flavour. She's right to say no thanks and walk away. But it doesn't mean the overall quality of your products, in perpetuity, are in question. And nowadays you also carry mint chip, but there's no need chase her down and make her buy any.
I apologize in advance for sounding like I'm trivializing your love and relationship. My intent is to illustrate that missed connections and small r rejections are a necessary and healthy part of life in many many aspects: you're doing a great job and so is she.
Congratulations again :)
Thank you! And no worries, that doesn't trivialize it at all. I've learned not to take life too seriously anymore - huge part of being mentally healthy. I can laugh at myself and I think your ice cream comparison was perfect.
Another thing to point out is that an apology would be mostly self-serving at this point, something to ease my own guilt. If she ever wanted an explanation and was still hurt by it, I would absolutely provide one, but as you said, no need to chase her down because I have a new flavor of ice cream.
Upon reflection, I also hope nobody sees this post as me fishing for forgiveness from internet strangers. I don't think outside opinions would change how I feel about the situation. On one hand, I hold myself completely responsible, as I should. On the other hand, I try to remember how sick I was and how I didn't really feel like my decision making abilities belonged to me anymore. I was a robot designed to do one thing: seek immediate relief from how bad I felt no matter the long-term cost.
And to anyone still reading, not all addicts are tortured by their decisions, even after getting clean. Some people really don't care about others. Some people really are just psychopaths. Don't get involved with someone who mistreated you just because you think they might be a tortured soul deep down. Love yourself.
I had a crush on someone for a while and never shot my shot even after we went away from college. I tried to keep in contact, but one day she blocked lines of communication and that was that. In younger and dumber times I made attempts to apologize or get some ability to gain closure out of it, but that was more me being selfish, hurt and wanting what I couldn't have more than anything. I'm blessed that I never went down your path, @Wolf_359, but I feel ya.
Younger and dumber times. We've all been there! Pretty amazing how much we can grow as people. Unfortunately for many of us, we have to learn our lessons the hard way. Fortunately, it makes us better and makes us who we are.
A wise person once told me this: If you could enter a warehouse where everyone had their problems neatly packaged up in a box, and a guy told you that you could choose any box to inherit as your own, the first thing you'd do is start looking for your own box.
I believe that's true.
Have you ever written down a letter to her, expressing everything you would like to get off your chest if you had had the chance? Even though you would never send the letter now, it could help relieve the mental pressure to write it all out in that perspective.
I sense a lot of growth in your comment and I'm impressed by your ability to self-reflect. It would be less painful had you never come to terms with what you did wrong, but you wouldn't be the person you are today. Ignorance is bliss.
Several! But those were years ago. And I definitely did plan to send them but am glad I didn't.
The last thing she said to me after I tried to say sorry the first time was really, really brutal (but also very fair), and I think it prevented me from sending them. It took me a little bit after getting clean to realize what respecting her and everyone else would actually look like. Glad I didn't send them in the meantime. The guilt really ate me up when I first got sober and didn't have a way to escape it.
And thanks. It always feels weird to take a compliment for being a really bad person and then doing the bare minimum that's expected of an okay person. But I take your meaning and it does make me feel good. Thanks for the kind words!
Dear @lou's friend,
There are many wonderful things I could say about you, but this post is about things I cannot say. So, if it sounds like I don't love you, this is just me talking about difficult stuff.
You were so cool when we were young. We would spend hours on the phone laughing at our own nonsense. Our talks had no purpose, no agenda. They weren't a zero-sum, you didn't need to lose for me to win. We both won, always. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember my mother laughing in the background from the half of the conversation she was able to hear. When you got your first girlfriend, I was the first to know.
When it ended, I heard you cry on the telephone. It was rough. This was before my own heartbreaks started, so it was difficult for me to understand what you were going through. But hey, I was there! So many nights we had with our friends drinking the cheapest booze we could find, singing serenades to no one like disillusioned drunks of a time before our own!
When you met her, I was, of course, happy for you. We all were. We all are. And, if her presence changed anything, it was for the better. She was, and is, a friend of ours, a new element to the group. It took years after that for you to change. But you did.
One day I was talking to you about the girl I met. Usual stuff between straight dudes -- not a lot of detail. I mentioned we only didn't have sex yet because she was on her period. I don't remember your exact response, but it was tremendously judgmental and sexist against her. As if wanting to have sex "so soon" was unbecoming.
That was the first time I realized you were a bit of a conservative. Not conservative about everything, not conservative in terms of who you vote for, but morally conservative about some stuff in a way that only rarely showed up, and was only noticeable to someone who knows you for a few decades.
Despite your enormous intelligence, your reasoning became increasingly rigid and binary. Now, many of our conversations are preambles to one of the numerous debate settings you have preloaded in our mind, just waiting for the propitious circumstances. And, since they are debates, those interactions are zero-sum. They do have a winner and a loser and you will do everything in your power to be the former. And you always behave like a specialist in everything. If I introduced you to a civil engineer, in 30 minutes you'd be teaching them how to build a bridge. It's exhausting.
When I vented about the difficulties of assisting in my wife's prolonged stay in the hospital followed by childbirth, you thought I was going to rush the delivery, in complete disrespect to my wife's wishes and welfare. You sent me a message worried about my kid's sugar intake at a time when he was still going to be breastfed for at least 6 months -- because for some reason you thought I was going to feed my kid with cookies. When I told you I had lots to talk about the whole process, you made it clear that you would "tell it like is", essentially warning me that I should not expect sympathy from you.
You accused me of stealing your ideas in something I wrote and proceeded to detail an immense preoccupation with having your ideas stolen by me. When I got home I went through my archives, digital and otherwise, and removed every single page which even reminded me of you. I threw them in the trash. Because you see, with the broad strokes you defined my "crime", it was impossible for me to discern which things I wrote that you would consider yours. Not because I'm an idea stealer, but because, in a sense, for a lot of time we were the same person. That made me think you're jealous of me. Thing is, 20 years ago you did show me some of your writing, and you know what I thought back then? "God! This guy writes way better than me and he's not even trying! I wish I could write like him!". You are so freaking talented, dude. If you haven't kept your writing locked in a computer running Windows XP for 20 years, I would be the one feeling jealous right now.
Anyway, I think a lot about you. Girlfriends came and went, and "friendships", colleagues, and acquaintances are all, one way or another, transactional. Outside of close family, you are the only person to have been present in all steps since my teenage years. But your mere presence in the room makes me tense up now. There are no spontaneous jokes anymore, no real laughs. I don't even tell you about my ideas because, if you give me any suggestion or comment, you may think I'm stealing from you. And I'm sure as hell I'll never read anything from you ever again. For the first time in my life, there are things I don't tell you.
You scare me, dude.
I love you, Mom. I wish that I had saved a recording of your voice. As the Parkinson's progressed so quickly, it struck me how fast you sounded like Mamaw.
I love you, Mom.
I wish I could tell my parents that I've walked away from the religion they raised me in. I hate having to hide a huge part of who I am from them, because I love them and want to have the deepest possible relationship with them. I know if I "came out" as an agnostic they would continue to love and support me.
But I also know that they would never let themselves stop worrying about the fate of my eternal soul, never stop hoping and praying for me to come back. I can't bring myself to cause them that pain for the rest of their lives, so I keep it to myself and let them think I still believe. Maybe I'll come clean someday – but not today.
This is the crux of one of the most irreconcilable contradictions that I find to exist in Christianity and some other religions. If love is a virtue, heaven and hell shouldn't both be able to exist. How can people who exhibit love and by extension forgiveness be in paradise - by definition not suffering or concerned - if anyone, but especially people that they know personally, is suffering for all eternity?
If you do ever tell your parents about your lack of religion, maybe asking that question will bring them some comfort. They'll figure that God's got to have a plan for that sort of thing, and trust Him to make sure that it's just and loving. Unless they're not that kind. There's a lot of flavors of Christian.
Ah yes the historical 3 C's of Christianity: Control, Contradiction, & Crucification. When really it should be something more akin to 3 G's: God, Goodness, & Gatherings. It amazes me how many bad Christians are out there, it's painful to see people use their religion as an excuse for bad behavior rather than instructions for good behavior. I value facts over faith these days, but my family still attends church and tries to make me feel guilty for not giving money (even though I live well out of range of that place now and havent attended in years)
Usually it's reframed as God loving us enough to give us a choice if we want to be with him and then respecting our decision. The bad part of Hell is separation from God, not burning forever or pushing boulders up hills or the penis flattening or the butthole spiders.
I've heard that before, but I've never been sure if that's actually scriptural or if it's layman's Apologetics. I have read the Bible, but it was many, many years ago and I wasn't on the lookout for that in particular.
If it's actually scriptural that might also bring /u/wowbagger's family some comfort, that they won't be burning for eternity.
There's a lot of discussion about interpretation for the eternal damnation thing, but the standard understanding still includes that, it just means that it's the separation that's the actual worst part of it, regardless of if you believe in burning.
Great reference!
I felt this same way for a long time but with my grandma instead (she raised me). There are wildly different and varying ways people can react to telling them- so of course, only you know your situation. In my case it was a bit more awkward, because instead of starting the conversation myself, she asked me point blank at one point "do you not believe anymore?" and at that time I decided to tell the truth and have that conversation instead of hiding it.
For many people and family dynamics however, hiding it still might be best.
I honestly thought it was going to go poorly (turn into some long theological discussion, that she insist I sit down with religious leaders, etc), or that my grandma would feel like she failed, or that she would constantly worry about me. Honestly she reacted better than anyone that she told about it (or that figured it out). Some people from church were pretty disgusting in their behavior, as subtle as it was, compared to her.
Turns out she reacted quite well, assured me she still loved me, I told her that I worried about telling her because it might make it her feel like she failed at raising me (in her perspective), she assured me that was not the case. She deeply believed for the rest of her life that I would eventually "come back" and I suppose her confidence in that belief, in a way, softened the blow- or at least was a way she felt she had to cope with the news.
In my particular case, the ending of living a "double life" (hiding a big part of who I am) and newfound freedom vs. absolute preservation of my grandma's feelings ended up being a balance I had to tip towards the former. I realized later that she was level-headed enough in her views on family/religion/etc and her ability to put love/family first, that our conversation wouldn't send her into a doom spiral or frantic worrying. She instead was able to respect that I had gone my own path, even if she disagreed.
I think I am lucky in that regard- and in no way do I bring this up to prescribe this as an option for you. Only to let you know, at least in my case, that the way my "ma" reacted was far more positive than what I had played out in my head in expectations, so that's a possible outcome. But certainly not a risk worth taking for many. Some families disown their unbelievers and so forth and that's such a mind boggling thing to me. Sometimes "coming out" can have disastrous, life-altering affects, when one's life, social activity, etc is all built on a religious foundation only.
This is a very interesting situation. Would you say you are protecting them, from themselves?
So I worried about the same thing when I told my parents I was an atheist. My father is/was a minister and my mother was raised Mennonite.
I was pretty hostile at first. Probably not the best way to go about it looking back. Eventually our relationship improved.
I asked my mother if she still prayed for me. She said that of course she did, but not for my soul. She just prayed for me to be happy and healthy and was just proud she had raised someone who could think for themselves even if I had turned from religion.
So while I can't guarantee you would have the same luck with your parents I love that I can be honest about my beliefs with my parents and it hasn't definitely led to a much better relationship in my 30s and 40s than I had in my 20s.
@kfwyre you're going to post a topic like this and not offer your own? :)
Hey F, I moved out to the east coast. I would have loved to visit you and meet your family, and you could have shown me around the neighborhood where you grew up, and tell me all about your many many wild teenaged adventures. You're always going to be young to me, huh. I've gotten to be nearly twice your age now. You'd like hanging out together again, I think. Where else would you like to have visited in Japan? They had this huge earthquake and tsunami a few years back and they had another quite big one just now - you might still be living there today if you're still around, and I'd have called you and made sure you're okay etc. It would have been nice to come visit you in Japan too: save on some of that hotel cost and have you show me around that kind of thing. I'd have gotten you to ship me cosmetics and manga and CDs and everything for all these years hahaha.
Anyway, humans are immortal and although I don't know how much consciousness you have right now, I'm sure we'll catch up some time.
See you later. :)
I often make
askthreads about things I’m mulling over myself, but I do feel there’s a specific vanity to jumping in with my own answer all the time, especially immediately after posting the topic.Not sure if I’ll write out what I’ve been thinking this time, but if I do, it probably won’t be for a couple of days. I like to give everyone else a chance to respond first so that the spotlight isn’t on me specifically.
I appreciate the nod though. Thank you!
I usually make ask posts with something to share in mind. Then everyone else says stuff that is way more interesting than mine, I also get lazy, and then I don't write anything :P
Mine is simple.
I hate you.
(Not you, the users of Tildes)
When a conversation is difficult to have, I understand that it can feel a lot easier to just run away. But when you're a big part of someone's life for nearly a year (and they are a big part of yours), running away from a difficult conversation is fucked up. I know why you ran away, and it pains me that you think I'm naive enough to take what you said at face value. I get that it's easier to blame other people than to look inwards and admit fault. Did you really think that your social circle was so small and so dedicated to you and you alone that they wouldn't tell me what you told them? Did you think that I didn't already have an inclination of the problems you were trying to run away from? Or did you just think that I'd repeat the pattern that you're used to, because you've been in so many broken relationships and dealt with so many fucked up people that you were worried I would treat you similarly?
It's been over a year and it still wrenches my heart to know you couldn't just tell me the truth. That you couldn't just tell me that you were struggling to find the right words to explain what you wanted out of a relationship. Even without the opportunity to align (which I would have been completely fine with, as we talked about on more than one occasion filled with emotion) the relationship with your actual desires rather than the desires you've internalized or think are socially acceptable, I just wanted to hear you tell me the truth. It's okay to want less. I'm not hurt, at all, by the fact that you wanted to spend more time alone and see me less often. You're an adult! You deserve to do the things that bring you happiness! I want nothing more than for you to have a life that you are thrilled to tell others about. I just wish you also had the capacity to learn to treat others with respect and compassion, even when it hurts you or reflects negatively on you to do so. I really hope that at the least you learned something from this experience and that you'll treat others in your life with more respect in the future, otherwise you'll end up chasing people who would bring joy to your life away.
I would tell my parents that they cause me nothing but pain and anxiety and both of our lives would be better off if we didn't see or talk to each other.
I don't know how to talk about this in an elegant way, but it's always been a bad relationship. Growing up they never really cared about me unless it made them look bad. My brothers were the golden children, and I was the black sheep. They technically feed and clothed us, but never provided any love. In fact, the only way to get any positive approval from them was to talk about our parents in a positive light.
Going through my childhood I never remember feeling loved, only alone. Like my only purpose was to make them look good. When they told me I was getting fat in 5th grade, I started running laps during recess to lose weight as part of the recess run program, and developed life long bulimia. When I told her i was suicidal in high school, I was only told "what do you expect me to do about it?". Being lied to about who my biological father was, and realizing maybe that was why i felt rejected by my dad my whole life. They basically stopped acknowledging me until both my brothers came out as gay. Hell, the only reason they even still talk to me I feel is because I'm the only one who can give them biological grand children, but I don't think I will want to have them because of my own childhood.
I've been reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and it's helped a lot but it's also made me aware more of how they see me. And everytime I call them (they don't contact me) I'm taken back to the unloved kid who felt he wasn't worthy of love.
I guess that's also what I would say, to my younger self. You're worthy of love, and you're going to find someone who loves you like you need to be loved. I'm sorry you have to go through this little one
OT: This is an absolutely beautiful thread. I feel very privileged to share this corner of the Internet with so many thoughtful souls.
I have a friend I care for dearly, like a brother in fact. I've known him for half my life now and don't want to walk away from him, but he's such a liar that I just can't have conversations with him anymore.
It started with lies to himself and I completely disregarded, and then about how "he's being honest" to all the girls he's hooking up with, and now it's about so many things he says to me like "I never saw your text" etc...
I can't deal with it anymore. It drains me almost every time I talk to him. I want to confront him with it but I think that it won't help with anything. But even if I tell him that I see his "my dog ate my homework" lies, he will say "what are you talking about".
I'm tired of pretending we're real with each other. I'm afraid that if I tell him to face himself he might commit suicide (he's has called me on the brink over a decade ago and promised me never again).
I'm torn and tired
I want to tell my dad what kind of man I've grown into, about the amazing friends I've made, what I learned from education and life. I'd ask him how he could reconcile professing a religious belief that espoused grace and mercy for all of humanity while espousing politics that dehumanized and demonized anyone who didn't agree. Speaking of demons, I would let him know that he doesn't have to bear his alone, that I am now in a place to hear him if he needed.
There would be so much pop culture BS we could nerd out on. Dragon Ball came back and has been alright overall, but then Star Wars returned and was less so. Those Marvel movies we were enjoying together kept getting made, but now they've overstayed their welcome. Someone tried making Dune again, and it actually worked this time (or, well, at least half of it did at the time of writing).
But most of all, I'd let him know that I'm still here, Mom is still here, my sister is still here, and we all miss him dearly. While I may have my struggles, I am doing my best to improve myself and learn from where he succeeded and failed, and that I always keep his wish of "do better than him" in mind.
Mine is a very small thing compared to many here. I’ve wronged people in my past and I’ve done stupid or dumb things that have hurt people. I had the chance to apologize for those, and then reflect on them later. But there’s one small thing I did to someone with callous disregard, and I wish I had the chance to apologize to her directly.
For a time, I got serious about dating, including online dating. I met one young woman who was 2 years younger than me and still in college. She was a kind and attractive woman, but for various reasons I found I wasn’t interested. It was the first time in my life this kind of thing had happened where I could tell the chemistry wasn’t there for me, even though it “should” have been.
Anyway, she seemed very keen on seeing me again after our first date. I wasn’t sure how to let her down and mulled it over. Go figure, I got a bit busy and “mulled it over” for too long, and so I just…chickened out. I wish I could apologize to her. I have no excuses. It was a small thing, but I hate people who ghost (unless it’s to escape abuse, etc.). It’s a coward’s way out and I was a coward.
Most likely she doesn’t even remember me or what I did. I hope that’s true - I hope my actions were just a minor blip in her life.
To add a very short one of my own...
I wish I could show my grandma that I got that promotion/new job (maybe 2 by now?) and excelled at them. She passed right at the time that I was waiting to hear about one of them. Also show her how well I am handling being on my own this time around and just navigating the world as an adult (even if it feels like I did this way later in life than many).
After taking care of her and living with her and helping her for many years after she raised me it would just be nice to turn around and be like "look I'm doing it on my own" (when, for a long time, because we were so close, I wasn't sure I would even be able to function as a human being once she passed away).
And, because I just historically, have not been a person to easily open up emotionally and just go into detail about how thankful I am or how I feel deeply- probably because of complicated social/gender role stuff and religious raising- I do wish I could thank her for all the sacrifices she made for me and how much she just had to tolerate me through out me growing up, and just a million things.
I would tell my brother who passed that I love him and that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make him proud.
"By the way, I'm bi"
Yes, it's being petty and twisting the knife on her insecurities about her broken gaydar. Or perhaps I'd say, "The past is the past," or pretend not to recognize her, then we'd both be happier.
I regrettably have a great deal of experience on the wrong side of cheating but I can tell you this. You will never get a fulfilling answer to why because most times there is no real answer. Just remember they made the choice and never blame yourself.
I am, thanks for asking but still working on it.
I'm sure you know this, but just remember that what they did wasn't your fault. We all are responsible for what we do. Your actions may have had an impact on her, but they made their own decisions.
Also, I hope that was your sibling's husband and not your ex's brother...😵💫
It only takes one side to end a relationship or start a war.
You might have made mistakes, but they are an independent person.
To someone very dear to me, there's something I can't say anymore (or again) because it is running into the risk of alienation:
Your inactivity is killing you.
SR, were we ever friends? I thought we were best friends, but I don't know if we ever had a single meaningful conversation. I know, guy friends don't talk about deep stuff, they just hang out. But it took me 35 years to find out you were depressed. Why didn't you tell me? I thought I was your closest friend? Then we kind of just stopped hanging out. I'm glad I reached out to you last year and got an update on your life, but honestly, I don't know what we would talk about if I came to visit you. I think I did most of the heavy lifting in our friendship. I was the one that reached out last year. You wanted me to come to your house instead of offering to come visit. I'm glad you're happy but I don't think I need or want you as a friend anymore.