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Best "dad" jokes and puns!
I just want something light hearted and silly and my partner and I love torturing each other with puns and "dad jokes" and so I thought I'd do some crowd sourcing.
Give us your best/worst!
I just want something light hearted and silly and my partner and I love torturing each other with puns and "dad jokes" and so I thought I'd do some crowd sourcing.
Give us your best/worst!
You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
In college I wrote a paper on "Myth of Sisyphus" by Albert Camus. I'd get almost to the end and make a mistake and have to start all over, but I had a good time while doing it.
I went to the zoo the other day, but there was just a dog in a cage.
It was a Shih Tzu.
Physicists recently discussed the results of a study showing the actual weight of a rainbow.
They said it's pretty light.
What's the difference between a fish, a piano, and a jar of glue?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a fish.
Because it wants the punchline ...
I knew you would get stuck on that.
A few of my favs:
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?
Because he had a very big bill!
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.....
it was tense!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent!
I refused to believe that my road worker father was was stealing from his job
... but when I got home all the signs were there.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo
I had to put my foot down.
Why does the golfer carry two shirts?
In case he gets a hole in one.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
How do ducks learn to fly?
They just wing it.
Bonus puns:
Yeah, I love whiteboards too, but I hate broken pencils...
They're pointlessThe Swedish navy, in an effort to expedite dock procedures, recently implemented a system of QR codes on their battleships. That way, when ships come to port, rather than spend a bunch of time checking logs and talking to crew, they can just Scandanavian (scan the navy in).
I run a therapy dog program at work and our posters contain the following:
Dog tired?
Have things been ruff?
Come pet some pups, it's the leash you can do!
And as a mental health person I've always liked:
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless but now I kind of like it.
A vet clinic near me has a sign out front displaying puns that they swap every once in a while. My favorite is, "I didn't choose pug life; pug life choose me."
Where do you store your dad jokes?
In your dada-bank.What's brown and sticky?
A stick.Did you hear that the President of IKEA is about to be elected Prime Minister of Sweden?
He's currently assembling his cabinet.What do you call a pig with four eyes? (this one only works when spoken)
A p-i-i-i-i-g (stretch that i sound out!).I've always said a dad-a-base
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
What's white and silly?
A windowsill.
What's about a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
I have an ongoing joke with my partner because a year ago she told me to turn off her phone so the Instagram stories didn't keep running. I asked her how much it cost to watch the stories and since then every time she's using Instagram I ask her to not to spend so much money on stories cause "money's a bit tight this month". She "loves it".
Every single time I come back from therapy and she asks me how it went I make a serious face and say "you're not gonna believe it, she told me I am 100% right about everything and you are COMPLETELY WRONG! ". I can't believe she still falls for that.
Every time she asks where's the dog I say "he went back to the office to get a document and will be right back".
Every time she asks for a cup of water I say "okay, but you want me to put water in it or is it just a cup made of water?".
I love to grill her by taking whatever she says literally and responding seriously to it. It can get quite creative.
Whenever I buy something she says I'll never use I make sure to use it a lot in very obvious ways. I bought a canteen and every once in a while I would drink huge amounts of water in front of her in theatrical fashion. And then I would say "thank God for this canteen and the delicious water it provides me. AH!". I was very hydrated.
She essentially married a bad comedian from the 1950s.
You should see if you can make a cup out of ice. . .
That's a great idea, but I just checked and all I have in the fridge is a bunch of useless water. Bummer :(
I snorted at the canteen part. I'm going to remember this technique.
My go-to dad joke...
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
Two quick things to add ...
First, there is, no joke, a dad joke page at fatherhood.gov. It's not all-encompassing; I just love the fact that there is a government website for dads, and an essential element of said page is dedicated to dad jokes.
Second ...
Did you hear about the short psychic that robbed a bank?
Yeah, he's a small medium at large.
Most people don't put much effort into cooking the perfect steak, but when you finally come across someone who's mastered the art form, it's truly a rare medium well done.
Also, not really a Dad joke, but my favorite joke from college
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a giraffe?
||elephant|| ||giraffe|| sin θ
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?
You can't cross a vector with a scalar.what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
elephino! (if its not obvious, say it out loud a couple times)My wife bought a crochet book the other day. I told her I tried reading one of those once but I couldn't ever get through it without laughing. She asked me why and I told her, "Because it had me in stitches."
Nearly got divorced over that one.
Edit: I'm also a fan of the "bar" jokes.
Two guys walk into a bar. One says ouch.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says, (imitating whale song) "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." Then the second whale says, "Steve, you're drunk."
A horse walks into a bar. Everyone leaves, recognizing the inherent danger in the situation.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse responds, "My wife left me."
My preferred version of that first "bar" joke:
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
I will be using the whale one on my partner this evening. That's fucking hilarious
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says to the other "Cor, sure is hot in here!"
The other one says "Argh! A talking sausage!"
Two cows are in a field. One says "Moooo!"
The other one says "Oit, I was going to say that."
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field.
My friend asked me why I take such deep breaths. I told him it happened when I quit caring about Farm Vehicles. He asked "What do you mean?"
So I said "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
When my students complain about it being cold, I tell them they can stand in the corner...
...because it's 90 degrees.
(This probably sounds horrific to most of the world, but it's funny in the US.)
What did the chicken say when it got in the vegetable garden?
Chicken sees a salad!How does Moses make tea?
Hebrews itWhich nut is the angriest?
Pissed-achioWhat color is the wind?
BlewWhy do cows have hooves?
Because they lactosePissed-achio made me snort
Should the last one be Why cows don't have toes?
Ooops! I was in such a rush to write them down I messed it up too! Hahaha
It was a bad day at the zoo, Brad was helping deal with an escaped lion when his boss pulled him aside and told him that there was another major problem and it was with the dolphins. They were being extremely amorous and inappropriate with each other and there was a group of school kids coming for a tour. They needed to calm down the dolphins before the kids arrived and there was only one thing could be done in a situation like this. Brad needed to go down to the beach and capture three or four baby sea gulls. Once they were swimming on the surface of the water the dolphins would stop what they were doing. So Brad went down to the beach and after a lot of effort, came back with some baby sea gulls in a bag. He was walking along a back entrance to the park when there, right in front of him, on the path was the lion. It had a tranquilizer dart sticking out of it and so must have run and finally collapsed here on the path. But the kids were coming soon and Brad had to get to the aquarium. As gently as he could he stepped over the sleeping lion and was about to continue on his way when a policewoman ran up and told him he was under arrest. When Brad asked why she said it was for transporting young gulls across sedate lion for immoral porpoises.
Boooooooooooooooooooooo
(◠‿・)—☆
What do you call a mansplaining amphibian?
A well-actuallotl
This one's great 'cos it actually emphasizes the proper (or closer to it) pronunciation of axlotl!
Most people don't know that Jesus Christ drove a Honda
For he did not speak of his own Accord
If you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.
Y'all like sodium jokes?
Na
One day, a man came home from work, and as he was walking up to his door, he heard this weird "thump, thump" noise behind him. When he turned around to look, he saw a huge coffin behind him. Naturally, that rattled him, so he ran into the house and slammed the door. He figured he was safe, but then the door bursts open and sure enough, it's the coffin. At this point he's panicking, so he runs upstairs and into the bathroom, and he hears the coffin going "thump, thump, thump" all the way up the stairs, and then suddenly, it appears in the bathroom doorway. it keeps getting closer and closer, and finally he flings open his medicine cabinet, grabs a bottle of cough syrup, and yeets it at the coffin.
And the coughin' stops.
Use this one monday.
If it's an eclipse when the moon is between the earth and the sun what is it when the sun is between the earth and the moon..... An apocalypse.
I'm partial to saying "Lettuce leaf" before heading out to eat! 😆
My dad was fond of eggzactly puns at breakfast
I think it's important to answer some basic questions:
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent (a parent).
Or...
When the joke is full grown (groan).
I'm saving this for later when my nephews are like... 5
I feel like pee jokes will be great at age 5
It's appropriate for all ages if your goal is to get people to roll their eyes so hard at you they almost fall out of their face ;)
Also, if you're in Europe and you clearly spot a pair of these, you can turn to your partner and say "omg a pair of great tits!". If there's more than two, not to worry, you can just say "omg, great tits!".
As you can tell, I am a very mature person.
Don't forget boobies
I never forget boobies!
They only joke I can ever remember...surely that meets the dad joke qualification!
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why did the mermaid give up wearing sea cups?
She grew to B cups!
I heard it as
Why do mermaids wear sea shells?
Because B shells are too small.I laughed but, B cups are smaller than C cups!
Lmao true :sob: But I won't correct it!
What do you call a sad coffee?
A depresso.
I feel like this short belongs in this thread
That was excellent!
Migrating geese fly in the shape of a 'v', but one side is always shorter than the other. Do you know why that is?
Because there are fewer geese on that side.
This is a favorite
<3
Excellent topic, thx for posting!
What are the benefits of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
Where does King Arthur keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
I knew this one but also, the man is dead so like, in the ground is valid 😂