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What’s something that didn’t work for you?
Something that generally works for most people, but you were an exception.
Something you were expecting to help, but it didn’t.
Something that promised a lot but failed to deliver.
Something that fell through.
Something you couldn’t get used to.
Could be an item, a piece of advice, a plan, a path, a relationship, etc.
Whatever it was, it didn’t work and that was significant.
What was it? Why do you think it didn’t work? How do you feel about it?
The "expected" life path, particularly around relationships and family, just didn't work for me
I grew up Catholic and definitely assumed my first boyfriend (and then second) and I would get married. Leaving me to stay in relationships that weren't great (I wasn't great either at the time, teens suck) for far too long. But failing that then obviously I'd end up marrying a guy eventually and having kids and...
And then I discovered polyamory, and being queer, and then... Without those relationships, some of whom I'm still friends with, I wouldn't have ended up here, but there were other shitty people along the way. So I think I'm carving a new path...
And then I meet my current partner who's been disabled our entire relationship. I was still figuring out how to make a new path, but also saw us maybe "settling down" wherever that meant, I even briefly considered fostering or something but then COVID hit and the world was terrifying and exhausting. And then he became paralyzed. And now our relationship is inevitably different.
We can't ever get married for financial reasons. I am always in the role of caretaker as well as partner but the lines feel real blurred. We own a house (inconceivable). But money is a constant stressor because disability is expensive and I feel incapable of maintaining anything like a normal life. And I'm too tired to date anyone else and put the energy into another relationship despite still being nonmonogamous, nonbinary and queer I'm in a cishet appearing relationship.
So here I am, in some weird warped version of settling down with a man and owning a house that isn't anything like what I was told to expect. I don't even know how to put into words how surreal it is sometimes and others it's just the most normal thing ever.
I developed a hole in the macula of my left eye. There is an operation to deal with this problem, called a vitrectomy, which has a high success rate, but not for me. I happen to be one of the unlucky 10% for whom the operation did not give great results. Now, I can't really complain, since it did improve my sight in that eye by a large margin. It just didn't get rid of all the distortion in the center of my vision, and that makes it difficult to read with my left eye.
As to my feelings... eh. My ophthalmologist did everything he could for me. You take your best shot, and sometimes it just doesn't work out. There was no way to predict the result.
I can give one bit of advice. Don't hesitate to talk to a doctor when you feel something has gone wrong with your body. The faster you can get it diagnosed, the better chances you'll have. Yes, this is obvious, but I'm constantly learning about people, men especially, who try to tough it out.
Depending on where you live it may not have anything to do with being a tough guy that doesn't need help and more to do with being completely unaffordable.
A couple years ago I found a lump in my neck. I have health insurance through my employer that is considered decent. It cost me $3600 over several hospital visits for them in the end to just say "well, it's not cancer" and that's all. It's still there. It swells up to the size of a golf ball sometimes. But I can't afford to go through that again.
Tell us you live in the US without telling us you live in the US. This reads as totally insane from the outside, I feel for you.
Alcohol. This isn't a very interesting story but fresh in mind since I was just at a social event last night.
I grew up in a drinking family. Markers of alcoholism but I'm not close enough with my brothers, who drink a lot, to say if they're alcoholics. I had lots of nudging, encouragement, and permission to drink from a youngish age and everyone in my family does. Drinking to excess was common when my brothers and I were all younger.
I feel like I dodged a bullet in never becoming a big drinker. I'm prone to addictive behaviors and escapism, and I was motived as a teen to be like my friends and brothers, so I wanted to like alcohol. My parents would buy it for me, so access wasn't a problem. They would tell me that I hadn't tried the right beer yet, so I'd go try more. I'd plug my nose and down a few until the taste stopped bothering me. I'd vomit almost every time I drank. I said and did things that were humiliating for me, hurtful to others, and some of those things I don't remember at all.
I went through a handful of years where I'd occasionally go to a party and get really drunk (never pleasantly buzzed, always drunk), but once those friendships faded, so did the behavior. That's around when I realized I was striving to accomplish something I didn't want and that made me feel bad.
I've never put this all back to back like this. I'm bitter towards my parents for that part of how I was raised. They used to think the stories I told about drunk misadventures were funny. My first time living away from home, I recall getting so drunk in an unfamiliar city that I wandered around the city, passed out in a church lawn, and was shoved into a taxi by a random passerby, and sent home.
Nobody in my family saw this as a need for guidance or help. They just laughed along with me, and brought it up a few more times as a coming of age story. Both of my brothers have had DUIs. I'm glad alcohol didn't work for me.
You're lucky for that. Having to witness others around you get caught by the bug is painful.
My CPAP machine.
Having heard from other people with sleep apnea about how great they are, how you not only get better sleep but that the better quality sleep means you can get away with shorter sleep, I was really looking forward to reclaiming just a bit of time per day. It would be nice to not have to choose between commuting, going to the gym, and cooking, but currently I can only pick two, so unfortunately the majority of my dinners have been either prepped and frozen on weekends, or bought from a local business who does the cooking and freezing for me. Without the CPAP machine I needed more than 8 hours a night to feel like a normal person, while most people around me can get away with 6-8 hours and seem to operate just fine.
Alas, it has not really helped with that in any noticeable way. What it has helped with is that because I’m no longer snoring like a freight train, my partner (who is a very light sleeper) can get a good night’s sleep whenever we have sleepovers so I still consider that an excellent quality of life improvement overall.
Next on my list: surgery to fix it good and proper forever!
One thing I've noticed with my own CPAP is that when I'm using it, it doesn't really feel like it makes a difference. But as soon as I don't have it (forgot it on a trip, fell asleep without putting mask on, etc, etc.) it's a night and day difference. I sleep so much worse without it than I do with.
That being said I still relate to what you said! Everyone hyped up how much of a game-changer they are and how much more awake and alert you feel in the morning...and I've not found any of that to be true. At best I feel a little less groggy in the morning.
Yeah I think this is about it for me too, but I’ve never been a bright and early morning person, even before sleep apnea. I’m glad it’s not a unique experience then!
I haven’t used it regularly over a long enough period to notice a difference when I forget it, so maybe that’s something I’ll try later this year when I’m travelling?
My husband has a similar experience, where it seems like my reduced stress from not listening to extended silence followed by great big gasps for air on repeat is the main change. He has commented that he used to have a headache all the time, and with the BiPAP he only gets headaches occasionally, so that's something.
I believe he has some other issue sapping his energy, and has had this other issue for years predating any apnea. However, he watched me go through numerous doctor visits over five years to get my diagnosis for being unreasonably easily fatigued (POTS), for which there aren't any good treatments (mainly coping strategies, and some things that take the edge off for some people), and decided he wasn't up for that. So whatever he has will remain mysterious.
This has been worrying me for a bit. I have sleep apnea that's been getting steadily worse over the last few years, to the point that I go to bed at 10pm and my alarm is set for 8:30am because I have to give myself a ~10-hour window to hopefully get maybe 6 hours of total sleep. I've tried every single off-the-shelf solution and nothing helped even slightly.
It took forever to schedule but I'm finally getting a sleep study on June 1st, which is a requirement in order to be able to get a CPAP machine, which my doctor is pretty certain I need (but, importantly, doesn't think I need surgery). But I'm half-convinced it's actually not going to do much and the effort and expense will have been wasted. The reasons for this are varied, but the biggest one is that I cannot stand to have anything touching my face that isn't my pillow when I sleep, and I'm probably going to end up constantly clawing it off in my sleep. I'm going to try it anyway, because I don't want to risk it being something helpful that I didn't do. I, too, look forward to a possibility of being able to get a little extra time each day and having more energy, which is a major issue for me. I dunno though.
I think even taking the roll of the dice that your experience will be much more dramatically positive than mine is still worth pursuing! But also I think I have similar sensory issues for my face, and it’s not too bad. Maybe not as strongly as you, but I adjusted fairly quickly, and was able to sleep entirely uninterrupted after about a week of consistent use.
For the first few nights, let me tell you as the world’s deepest sleeper, having the mask get bumped or trying to take it off in my sleep will quickly bring me up to the edge of consciousness to fix it. Not enough to uncomfortably wake me up, like it’s not a jolt or anything, but the change in sensation from having positive pressure inside my nose to neutral pressure feels pretty weird. Interestingly, putting it on at the start of the night doesn’t have such a weird sensation, but taking it off certainly does, at least for a minute.
Traveling with others on leisure trips.
I have specific habits and procedures when planning and executing a trip honed from years of solo travel (both work and leisure) that works well for my pace and doesn't mesh with a lot of people. I basically retain the habits and mannerisms of a hustling business traveler even on leisure trips minus the suit and laptops, while others want a more chill pace start to finish. Call it a defensive reaction from flaky family/friends, leaving entrusted bookings (5-10 minutes of clicking at a website) at the very last minute ruining itineraries, and having to play travel agent for free to salvage trips. Because it's 9am and we're still at the hotel and no one can decide what to do that day.
I don't "relax", if anything I'm locked in and in the zone when on a vacation because it's my plan and my money now. Once I'm there I'm ready to conquer the list like an open world game. It's quite fast-paced that it looks like Contiki on crack to others. I aim for 4-7 days per city (enough for onebagging), power walk everywhere (with the occasional photo of a nice view) yet it doesn't personally feel like hurrying between places (might be the cardio). More like due to the extensive research it feels like I'm just acting the play "live" after constantly "rehearsing" it. Unless it's a long day tour, this leads to 25k-30k steps a day and still finishing and back at the hotel around 5-7pm. I wouldn't see half the things I wanted to see if I traveled with others with varying levels of cardio and hip/knee mobility to conquer long flights of stairs and hiking trails.
I love walkable cities and extensive public transport. Thoroughly research places down to specific train station exits (Hong Kong is awesome for this) and be somewhere 5-10 minutes before opening time/tour start. I don't drink alcohol anymore. I'm good without night life, have fun. Don't shop and shopping districts/high streets don't appeal to me. Stick to cheap eats like Singapore's hawker centres and Japan/Taiwan's 7-Elevens even if I can afford the high end restaurants there. Basically half the "must do" lists in a travel magazine list or vlog gone that others want to do. The closest thing to souvenirs that I collect are public transport cards, unopened hotel dental kits and the airline amenity kit.
Travel carry-on and personal item only even on business class. Unless I'm forced, I take having to check a bag as a personal affront that I've failed in my packing or the trip is too long. Checked bags slow the pace down too much for my liking and have led to verbal disagreements with others who want to bring a checked bag (due to some regret that they aren't maxing out their allowance), but also wanted cheap fares, wouldn't be buying souvenirs, and all this for a 3-4 day trip to a city.
I go to a place, take a few pictures for me, then if it's a good view admire it for a few more minutes like I'm resting in between sets. Once I've "processed" the place and ticked it off the list I walk/public transport to the next one. If I see something interesting that I haven't seen from research like a beautiful side street, a night market or a restaurant I didn't expect, I double-check the plan, mark where I'm at and see what side quests I can find and resume the plan. To me unless it's something like a museum where I actively go through exhibits I don't see the difference of hanging around at a place for either 10 minutes or an hour longer once it's "done".
I specifically plan and book relaxation and slower days into the later parts of the itinerary like a massage (like how people book a restaurant), or a free half-day to roam around the hotel's immediate area the day before departure with nothing on the agenda.
The culmination of this crazy planning is I've maxed it as far as a back-to-back that I went home after a work flight Friday night, swap clothes, repack and sleep, then head to the airport next day for the vacation. Then after a week be home by 11pm Sunday night, work on Monday like nothing happened. Groggy, jet lagged and happy. Mission accomplished.
And I wouldn't have it any other way now. I'll sort out the pictures later.
I relate to this hard. I am a bit more free-spirited than you but I prefer just giving myself a generic guideline on what to do on each day, plan out how to get there, and then I fill in the gaps based on my own vibes during that day. It makes it hard to travel with my friends and family sometimes because they expect rigid schedules but figure out transport during the trip.
I do love solo traveling though, its such a freeing way to travel.
I feel like your style might still work with one, same speed, travel companion. Max out a city and collect all the stamps. I like travelling like that too, when I'm by myself, but I would be too self conscious to do this with a companion because I do like taking road less travelled
Haha I feel this comment. I like vacations where we have absolutely no plans, when I'm with people I like.
Not necessarily something that works for "most" people, but I tried various kinds of antidepressants over the course of several years and most of them didnt do jack.
ADHD medication for me. So many stories of others with ADHD, finding medication then suddenly being able to be productive and stay on course and get things done... Then maybe a different kind. And another kind. And another. Then I thought it was my fault because I didn't give it two steady weeks but nope, even with the fancy timer device and taking it several weeks nothing.
I'm in the process of getting pharmacogenetics testing (Tildes self post where I got great info) to see if there's something else that works though, so fingers crossed.
I tried Lexapro and although it stopped me from feeling excessively sad, it didn't actually make me happy so it made my mood 'beige'. Which, okay, improvement of a sort but not a lot. Combined with the side effect that made the catharsis of orgasm impossible, I decided not to renew my prescription until I felt bad enough that beige would be a sustainable alternative (thankfully I never have).
Sex
That is to say, I enjoy intimacy and closeness, but when it comes to my own sexual gratification... I've got hands and toys that work perfectly well
I feel like this is a much better alternative than being addicted to sexual activities. Probably saves a ton of money and time, and far less internal pressure to get into / stay in a bad situation, and probably makes one more immune to most types of advertising.
Weed. Prior to having kids I smoked pretty regularly without issue, but I stopped in solidarity with my wife when she got pregnant. When I tried to return to it a year or so later, I just couldn't enjoy it anymore. What was once a way to relax and enjoy things with more intensity had become a 50-50 shot of being that a an hour of pure anxiety and stress.
Everyone talks about different strains, hybrids, etc, but nothing seems to help. So I just don't smoke anymore.
I've also tried it once, which resulted in hours of intense nausea and just a very very bad time. When I inquire about what it's supposed to be like, people say they feel relaxed, and since I don't typically have trouble relaxing anyway, never tried again.
I am very sensitive to the hallucinnogenic aspect of THC. For years, I would try it occasionally and have an absolutely insane time. Full-blown bad trip style experiences. Could not figure out how everyone else was enjoying it. Some people just don't metabolize it the usual way, and everyone always told me I just had to try it more often and "get used to it".
I've since figured out I can take a very low dose edible (2-5mg THC) with about a 5:1 CBD to THC ratio and I'll feel great. Still can't smoke or vape. Even one hit of a joint will really fuck me up.
Yeah I probably metabolize things differently in general, so that probably skews my risk vs rewards heavily against my favour. Aside from the full body nausea (it felt like I was continually falling down, for hours), not having a single moment of rest, not being able to "get off the ride" and not having any idea when it would stop, was just torturous.
Extremely unlikely to try again, when I can just maybe have a box of Pretz sticks or egg roll and play a video game for guaranteed relaxing and fun time instead.
To be fair, pot rarely works the first times. I smoke regularly and it did nothing/made me nauseous the first 3-4 times.
After I properly learned how to breathe the smoke, it worked. It's kinda intense the first times it works as well, I wouldn't recommend it to everyone, but if you're willing to try another time, it can for sure enhance many experiences.
This also happened to me in my early thirties, with a couple of really paranoid times that should have been relaxing. I gave it up for years after that but did find more recently that a couple of puffs on a joint with a friend late at night after a party was more like I remembered. I think the difference is the setting and I can't expect to have the same experience I had relaxing with friends in my relatively carefree 20's if I'm smoking by myself in between four million things to do in my 40's. Having a kid is like that too, I'm not surprised your head is in a different place, the weed may or may not be the same but you definitely aren't.
Same thing happened to me right around age 30. I figured it was cause I used it during college to study so now whenever I’m high I feel like I should be studying and I get anxious because there should be a test to study for.
But, maybe its just brain chemistry.
Bluey - I'm told by my coworkers that i just haven't seen enough of it yet and that Bluey is changing the world of children's television, but i just don't get it.
All the cheap yuks yuks of every other modern show, constant King of the Hill framing (they're all standing in a row constantly) and low effort South Park-y animation. Apparently it's one step forward for progressive involved dads, but I just don't see the value amid all of the other boring cartoon conventions.
At the end of the day, it's still a show targeted at 3-7 year old kids. There's an ocean of shows targeted at the same age range (or wider) that range from garbage to actively detrimental to a child (in no particular order: cocomelon, peppa pig, caillou, blippi). Bluey has a lot of good themes, realistic problems and resolutions, healthy relationships and family dynamics, a lot of imagination activities (with a clear distinction from "real" life), and isn't overstimulating. They occasionally touch on serious topics, like infertility or feeling inadequate as a parent, in an age-appropriate way. For parents, aside from being comfortable with your kids watching it, there's many little details and jokes that are relatable. In short, it's a show parent's might actually enjoy watching with their kids, which is a rarity worth celebrating. It's not one I'd recommend an adult seek out on their own.
I'll believe it. My kid is just over 2, so she's likely not the target audience yet. That said, I'm just sort of over looking at animation that's content and talk-heavy, foregoes scene to scene action and is heralded for it. Sure, lessons learned from story, pacing and characters is great, but so much of what I've seen is low-effort talking head style shows.
Up the quirky characters, up the one liners and somehow, our characters are all still standing on a slight angle yapping at each other.
Is there an example of a show targeting, or developmentally appropriate for, the 3-7yo age range that you do like?
As a side note, there's a few particular episodes that come to mind that might be worth trying. S03 E18 "Rain" follows Bluey trying to block a stream of water in the rain, with a beautiful soundtrack and less than 10 words spoken in the episode. S02 E26 "Sleepytime" (mentioned by @lostwax) goes back and forth between the household after bedtime and Bingo's dream while she tries to sleep through the night on her own (and sleepwalks), with lovely music, varied animation angles and details, very little dialogue, and a range of emotion.
Tough question because I haven't watched television for that age range since I was that old, and I won't until my daughter is of the age to appreciate it.
Looking back, the animation for kids tv when I was young wasn't groundbreaking either, but there was variety to the way things looked and felt because the practice was different. Duck Tales, Smoggies, Raccoons - cartoons produced with unique locations and situations in the plan.
So far, Bluey just looks like the opposite of that - lame to look at. I mentioned South Park before - it feels like that to me. Cut out characters on cut out backgrounds.
A short clip of when Bluey shows off a bit of "camera" trick: leaf bug -- in the context of this show, this is something they specifically don't do a lot of: characters usually interact side by side (as you noted) instead of having internal, personal philosophical moments like this.
I'm not trying to convince you to like something you don't, of course :) even as a kid I thought animation re-use for transformation sequences was lazy
Have you seen City: The Animation? Wholesome, all ages, and uses all kinds of visual tricks, which I would put on the opposite end of "lazy". Trailer
I'm the first person to highly encourage people try things again that they don't like on first taste, so I'll definitely try it and probably even change my mind.
Thanks for vibing with my dislikes about the show with the pointed suggestion. It's appreciated.
My coworker (bless her soul) came at my criticism of the show's visuals as a wholesale attack on her ethics. Baffling, so the older brother in me opted to double down a little and see how sacred the cow really was.
Some people don't like being challenged.
City the Animation also looks cool - will check it out during tv time. Do you think a 2.5 year old would understand it/like it?
Hahaha, nice, I never had an older brother but I did (more than) my fair share of my challenging of sacred cows as the youngest in an immigrant family .... :)
I think there's nothing content-wise I would be afraid to show my 2.5yo from City: it's breathtakingly gorgeous and wholesome. There are some cute little critters in there that a very young Chocobean would have absolutely loved for life.
BUT. Sometimes the quality of a media isn't obviously proportional to how much a young person is mesmerized by it. Sometimes their brains are discovering and processing something not apparent to a grown up.
You know how some modern films are a series of disorienting quick cuts, and some employ series of flashing single frame slices? You know how sometimes, if the moment is earned, it's nice to experience a long take or a long pan into a wide shot? And that after a particularly challenging film, we might just sit in the dark theatre staring at the credits roll, and we need a minute to compose ourselves before driving home, still silently processing the fim? Kids might need more time to process media than us. As a fellow parent, I would humbly suggest that in addition to introducing quality media, don't forget to also introduce developmentally appropriate media.
Early childhood is a busy sensory time, and simplicity, as well as repetitions, are a legitimate way of engagement.
I'm for sure not telling you how to parent or what to enjoy. Example, I secretly disliked paw patrol, but grudgingly watched them together. Meanwhile, the Strawberry Shortcake / Barbie / Caillou / new Veggie Tales / most "Christian Sunday school" stuff were ruthlessly barred and entirely dismissed, so I don't blame you at all for censoring. I think it's an especially noble and urgent goal to exclude "lazy" media, in these days of Slop. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun. There is a time for simple and good quality animation as well, like @LimbaTrip hand drawns, or a good Miffy book, that once they grow too old for, that time to share is forever gone.
Edit: long post summary - it pains me to say it but I would not recommend City to your tot. Wait for them to be about maybe 5 or 6 and can enthusiastically and breathlessly tell you what they see and what they enjoyed from it. It's a busy show.
Love it. For now, it's a steady diet of Sharon, Lois and Bram, Mister Rogers and Mario 64 -- but only the castle as jumping in the moat is all that's important ;).
Cool to hear that you're raising a little that's the same age. It's a special time as we watch these major pieces of knowledge about the world come together in their little brains.
We hardly ever watch it now but having had a kid grow through that kind of TV I am so glad I was able to watch bluey over peppa pig, or basically anything else available. In real life I'd probably find the dad a bit boring (assuming normal human form) but he's not an idiot having jokes hung on him and the bar is so low that that is quite an improvement.
And I challenge anyone to watch an episode like sleepy time with their three year old curled up next to them and not feel something. Different story without kids I'd guess.
Question: are you watching it in the company of small children?
We got to enjoy Steven Universe together with a child, and it was a blast, but we collectively enjoyed Bluey less because the kid was too big for it by the time we discovered it. So I can kind of see that Bluey is not "enough" outside of a certain age range.
Yes to watching it with a child, and I get that seeing it through their eyes changes things. I guess I'm just over low effort animation. It might be novel for a kid, but to me it looks like Macromedia Flash