(warning and TL;DR : long and kinda ranty - I do want advice but this also ended up being me venting about my frustrations with two separate medical professionals)

I've suspected most of my adult life that I have some form of ADHD; some mornings I face debilitating initiation paralysis that causes me to be up to 2 hours late for work; I forget conversations happened and my mind is in a constant jumble of starting 5 tasks and finishing neither; sometimes I hyperfocus and sometimes I lack any focus - seemingly at random - and other tiny tidbits that upon a cursory glance through medical material, scream ADHD to me.

I've learned to cope with most of it, and thankfully I have a pretty chill job that lets me be flexible with my schedule without issues, but when you look at everything in context, it's pretty clear that my quality of life could be so much better if I sought professional guidance and medical attention.

So I did just that; went to my clinic, scheduled an appointment with a psychologist, and I dragged myself there.

I did my best to be objective and factual about my behavior, I made notes of stuff I did and symptoms I experienced over the course of a week, and answered every question as openly as possible, and yet everything felt wrong.

The psychologist didn't see ADHD in me, and instead chose to pursue my childhood and familial history, narrowing down on signs of anxiety. That felt viscerally incorrect to me, as it didn't reflect how I perceive my behavior. The way I understand anxiety doesn't align with how I think and behave. I don't worry about things when I am stuck in bed - I am pleading with my body to let me move so I can do the things I enjoy. I don't dread going to work - I want to go to work, and my brain says no. That is not anxiety, no matter how you frame it; at best, any signs of anxiety I may have are a byproduct of my struggles with executive dysfunction.

At the end of the session she recommended I return for a few more sessions so we can build a proper profile of my background and identify what we need to work through. But before that, she mentioned I could also see a psychiatrist, and ask them to refer me to her so the sessions could be paid for by national healthcare (I'm Romanian, for context).

So I did that, booked an appointment with a psychiatrist that seemed alright, and I basically hit the same brick wall I did before. My issues aren't neurological, they're behavioural - and I just need some counseling and discipline. And my inability to make my body move in the mornings could be just a sleep hygiene issue.

You've all heard or read about women having debilitating period pain and just being told to drink water or eat healthier or maybe go for walks more often, right? This felt like that; I'm facing a clear disconnect between my brain and my body, I have my daily life disrupted by things that are 100% out of my control, but apparently I just need discipline and better sleep. I don't buy it, as much as I want to.

I got so frustrated during the session that I started involuntarily masking and going along with the motions just to have it over. Internally I was on the verge of tears but I put a pretty smile on and left the room upbeat. That is not normal. I need help.

But they just don't seem inclined to want to offer it. I am a firm believer of Occam's razor but the psychiatrist's conclusion didn't feel like the simplest one - it felt like a massive oversimplification.

I did get a recommendation to take the DIVA-5 test (because neither of them were qualified to do it) so now I'm searching for a psychologist that is certified (which are rare, and pricey, from what I can see).

But until then, I just feel disappointed, misunderstood, and honestly quite angry. I asked for help and was given what amounts to scraps. My lived experiences were invalidated in front of me, in the places that were supposed to validate them and guide me towards finding an understanding of my behaviors and my mental health, twice in a row.

Those of you who got diagnosed, how many tries did it take? Is this the norm, just hopping from clinician to clinician until you find one that clicks and feels right? Or did I get massively unlucky?

Also, has anyone else taken the DIVA-5? How did it go for you?

For the past year, I've finally been able to have a strong, lasting, cleaning routine. It took me my whole life, but I was never able to go past my own argument of "who cares"? Who cares if the dishes aren't done? If the laundry isn't folded? Only I can judge me. It doesn't matter, ultimately.

But silently, I wasn't happy with that, and I've known I wasn't happy for years, kinda like an addict saying he'll stop but he never does.

One day earlier this year, during winter, while on a good cleaning day, I took some time to look at my old notebooks from college. I remembered a page I had written during some off-time on an internship. I had written a full page of the same line: "I like it when...". I had wanted to just do some introspection and list every thing I liked that came to mind. Stuff like "I like it when I eat pizza", "I like it when I play boardgames with my friend", etc.

Those notes were five years old, you know what was the very first thing on the page? That's right: "I like it when my apartment is clean"

It hit me like a fucking brick. I almost cried right there.

From then on, it was over. The cleaning me had won over the lazy me and I've since been able to keep a clean apartment :)

So, what's your story? How did you overcome a challenge in your life?

I've been in therapy for ten years.

Recently, I hit a local minimum. I saw where the rest of the curve would take me, if I did not change somehow. It would end me early—maybe even in a few years or less.

And I saw what was holding me back.

I've had emotional scars accumulated from an early age. That kind of trauma seems to have a way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy; my life has been replete with repeated traumas. I've been reliving those root traumas over and over again, in my own mind, overlaid atop later events that only found correlation due to triggering those old wounded emotions.

I understand this to be called "CPTSD" in more civilized parts of the world than where I live: the United States. (As far as I know, the DSM-V does not acknowledge CPTSD.) I digress.

In therapy, I had identified two deeply wounded "parts" of myself: one represented by an ostracized seventeen year old Exile who attempted in all but direct intent to end himself and the other an emotionally abused and rage-filled ten year old Inner Child.

Recently, I healed the seventeen year old part. I saw how it was hurting me. Its expectation, its fear, of exile fueled nearly half of my life. My therapist and I pushed on it. What was preventing me from changing?

It was the fear of what I would become without it. Would I lose my wife? Would I lose my identity? Would I lose everything?

But it was this or my life. So, in that moment, I made a choice.

Instead what happened was something unexpected. The Exile flourished. It was as though my teen and 20 something years had been rewritten: a Back to the Future moment. It was no longer The Exile. It was transformed into something else entirely. It became strong and confident. Tapping into that part, by choice, I now seem to be able face most situations that would once cause near panic with, instead, determination. I persevere. I even seem, at times, to flourish.

However, the rage-filled Child remains. He is more activistic. He still has the sense that he will be punished for some perceived wrong. When provoked, he doesn't feel anxiety from these imagined tortures, he feels rage.

In my meditations, now, I attempt to integrate with this newfound strength to then reach out to and show more compassion to the Child—to salve his fear and show him that we, together, as a being, are now strong. I am hopeful.

In these ways, I am remade.

I still recognize old pieces. And, yet, there is so much new, so much yet undiscovered, that I confound myself with what is now easy and what remains difficult (but difficult in new ways). I am increasingly kinder to myself, allowing more connection with others, particularly those I would once consider incompatible, and perhaps even beginning to become physically healthier.

I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Or, perhaps, I am only now stepping into that light, after decades.

How have you become more than your past traumas? How have you transformed for the better? How did you accomplish it?

EDIT: I shared this in the hope that it inspires. There can be healing, though it can take years and much effort. I would love to hear your stories of hope!

EDIT2: Feeling self-conscious, this all was decidedly not a humble brag. I never imagined that this sort of abrupt transformation was possible. However, it was a culmination of literally a decade of therapeutic intervention and hard work.