Graduating college, starting work, and being lonely
I don't know what I intend for this post to be - I guess I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it - but I'm not expecting anyone to read all the way through this or anything really. If this isn't appropriate for Tildes, feel free to remove it.
I recently graduated college and moved to San Jose, CA for work. And let me tell you, I am not liking it here at all so far. Work itself is great - it's interesting stuff, I like what I'm doing, and I feel like there's really nowhere else I could be doing it. But dear lord, has my social life evaporated. This does not feel like somewhere that someone in their young 20s should be living. I live in downtown, and it's mostly apartments, tech companies, and a spattering of bars and restaurants frequented by tech bros in their 30s. Which is fine, but not at all the social scene I am looking for.
I work with a handful of people my age, and while we do things outside of work every so often, they're really not the same kind of folks I got used to hanging out with in college. They're all super career/status-oriented people, which is not me at all. I've definitely selected for meeting these kinds of folks by working at a tech company, but that's really not the kind of people I usually vibe with. In college, I made a lot of really close friends who were mostly "weirdos", without any better way to put it - lots of queer leftist folks, people into strange art and music, people I could really be myself around. Maybe I have high standards for what I look for in friends, but I really do not see myself becoming close with any of the people my age that I've met around here so far. I have nothing against these folks - we just share different ideals. But I feel like I am constantly censoring myself and am unable to really just be me here.
Of course, to find the kinds of people that I want to hang out with, I probably chose the wrong career path and wrong place to live. I was wary of moving to San Jose since the sentiment I'm sharing here is widely echoed online. And it feels bad proving my fears correct. I looked into moving to San Francisco, Berkeley, or Oakland, but decided against it because I was afraid the commute would burn me out. But now, I am regretting that decision hardcore. I have never felt lonelier in my entire life. I would much rather spend three hours commuting every day than spend my weekends alone.
I started adulthood during the pandemic, and I moved out of state to go to college. For the first two years of school, I had a really hard time meeting people and making friends since my university was really strict on COVID restrictions, and we didn't have in person classes until halfway through my second year. That part of my life was really lonely, too - so this isn't new to me. But somehow, being surrounded by people who are nothing like me feels way lonelier than being around nobody at all. And what hurts even more is seeing all of my friends back in college / high school thriving, and feeling like I'm drowning. I feel like I sold my friends and happiness for a job and money, and it feels terrible. Nobody I knew from college or high school lives here - I had zero connections moving up here.
And this isn't for a lack of effort - I've been trying to figure out where to meet people. I've looked at meetup, and all the events around here seem to be networking, business, and tech related. I've gone on Bumble BFF, and everyone on there just wants to "network" or aren't my vibe. I've been going to bars, coffee shops, etc by myself to try and meet people, but haven't been successful. I've signed up to volunteer at a local animal shelter, which I figure might be a good way to meet people, but they don't have any open shifts yet. I've looked for live music events near me, but there isn't really a lot in the scenes I'm into. I don't know what else to do.
Everything in this place seems to revolve around careers, money, status, networking, and tech. It feels terrible, it's like a physical microcosm of LinkedIn. I know I'm going to be moving to San Francisco as soon as my lease is up in August. I feel like I'll have a way better chance of meeting people who are like me and are my age up there. But in the meantime, I need to make the most of where I am. I'm sure there's people like me somewhere around here, but the issue is meeting them. Where do I find them? How the hell do adults make friends, and close ones at that? I am surrounded by a lot of lonely adults - lots of folks at work who never married, don't do anything fun, and live for work. Do I need to get out of here before this place eats me alive? I don't want to end up like that.
I know this will pass, or at least I hope it does. I know my life isn't over. I just feel like I'm squandering my precious 20s, if there is such a thing. At least I have a roof over my head and a dream job. I guess the grass is always greener, but I feel like I'd rather be struggling to pay rent and be surrounded by close friends than have a full wallet and an empty living room like I do now. The pandemic was a really terrible period of my life, and I won't go into detail about everything going on in my brain, but I feel like I'm standing on the precipice of that kind of depression again.
Anyway, this post isn't really coherent or organized. It's more of a rant than anything. I just needed to get my thoughts on to paper (screen?), and posting here seemed better than screaming into the void. If you read this, thank you :)
EDIT: Wow, I didn't expect so many replies, recommendations, and support on this post. I fully expected to get no replies. Thank you everyone, really. I suppose part of my situation is I need to stop being so negative - while I am genuinely unhappy here, this isn't forever and I can't do anything besides keep trying. If nothing else, I can always move in August (or before then, if I can figure out a way to break my lease without emptying my bank account). Until I move or find connections, I'll get good at enjoying my own company. And I'm also eternally grateful to have made amazing friends in college and High School that I can still talk to, even if they're hundreds of miles away.
I have two pieces of advice for you, I’m on mobile so forgive me for poor grammar and such, but I felt moved enough to respond to you with urgency.
Open your mind to being friends with people outside of your age. Older folks and younger folks than perhaps you’re willing to interact with normally. I am often shocked that I get along with people ten years older or younger than I am. Be willing to look past the surface of things to meet people you’d otherwise miss.
If your company offers education reimbursement, take advantage of it and take a class in person at a university. School is one of the few places where you can meet diverse ppl, whether it’s from the class itself or all the other resources and opportunities it opens up.
I was in your position almost exactly a couple times in my life. You sound like you know yourself well, so trust your gut. you’re right when you say life is tasteless without the spice of camaraderie or kinship.
More later, if you’re interested. Take care for now.
That first one is very important. When you’re in school (be it primary or college) you are forced to be with people of your own age or very close to it. Once you get into the post college years, you realize that age doesn’t really matter. If someone has the same interests as you and you get along, who cares if you’re different ages.
Thanks for reading and the response. I suppose I should be more open minded. College sort of forces you to meet people who are mostly your age, and I guess I was used to that. I'd love to take a class, but unfortunately they don't offer anything like that as far as I can tell. But things like cooking / pottery / etc classes are definitely on my radar as well.
If you are vaguely interested in some type of art, I highly recommend taking a class! A lot of people take art classes just to make friends, so it's a great way to just that
You're not the first person I'm aware of that has had this issue in San Jose. I have friends that moved there in a group, renting out a house together and are really enjoying themselves. And then there are friends of friends that rent a 1 bedroom and are struggling socially and mentally. If you can afford it, and I am guessing you can with your tech money, you can probably find a way to break your lease or sublet at a loss. That would allow you to move to San Francisco within a month. I know the hip areas are elsewhere, but you'll probably want to live close to the Caltrain station just to make things easier on yourself (if you have a car I recommend selling it and doing train + bike). It's still quite convenient to get from 4th & King station to other parts of the city. And for the commute, the train's now a good bit faster, cleaner, and has free WiFi.
If you'd like I can meet you and show you around the city next weekend - or any day really, I'm unemployed. Feel free to DM me. There's a lot of cool stuff up here. Whatever you do, in the meantime there's no reason you can't commute socially to SF for the weekends. I'm a part of a large social deduction/deception game group that meets weekly (Wednesdays, Thursdays and/or Fridays depending on the week) that accepts all sorts of newcomers, including some people from the peninsula and south bay. I'm also a regular at Noisebridge which is a hacker space in the Mission district (strong leftist/anarchist/queer vibes).
Thanks for the info :) I'm thinking about breaking my lease, but it'll require 60 days notice + two months rent and I lose my security deposit, so it would be quite the hit. I could pay it, but it would be a lot and pretty much wipe out my savings. Subleasing isn't allowed here by my lease either :( One option I'm looking into is finding a roommate so I would save money (and my social life) by breaking my lease, but I've been burned by random Facebook/Craigslist/internet roommates before so I'm being careful. I'm definitely regretting living alone at this point, especially since I'm spending way more on rent than I probably should be. But, I had pretty terrible/inconsiderate roommates in college (we had to find our own housing off-campus after the second year) so the idea & ability to have my own space seemed tempting at the time.
I won't be around next weekend, otherwise, I'd definitely take you up on your offer, thank you! Maybe some other time. I will definitely be socially commuting to SF for the foreseeable future. New Caltrain definitely makes that a lot easier, and I live reasonably close to Diridon so it's easy for me to take it up. Noisebridge sounds cool too, I'll have to check it out! That game group sounds fun too - it may be a bit difficult for me if it's on weekdays, but if you'd like to DM me more info I'd definitely appreciate it :)
Don't feel bad about paying too much out of college to have your own place...pretty much the exact same thing I did after having nightmare roommates one year. I am sure there are many people who went that route once the could finally afford it (even if it was a bit over their ideal budget).
I'd second what the other poster said about living on your own vs. with roommates. While it depends on who you get, the built-in social network that comes with roommates is excellent.
If you're open to the idea, interviewing with student houses that have people at a variety of stages in life (whether or not they have a space available) is a great way to build a network of acquaintances and get invited to parties.
If you're an honest, open minded socialite with a regular income, artist types want that kind of of roommate.
As someone in my mid 30s I would definitely be willing to pay 10k to get 7 months of memories in my 20s. But when I was in my 20s that would have hurt. One thing you can do is take advantage of your time and proximity to sf to find a really good spot. There’s a lot of different vibes between soma and like the sunset and the mission etc. I would personally not want to live in soma at all and loved living in inner sunset, but I could totally see someone feeling the opposite way.
I don’t have any advice for you, but I’m in college now and have been concerned about that exact situation soon myself, so I’m looking forward to seeing others’ replies. I’m rooting for you!
Ah! I don't want to freak you out, my post was really negative. If you're looking at the same thing after college, I guess my only advice would be to trust your gut (and folks online) about where to live, if you have options.
When you get to San Francisco, I recommend going to check out a contra dance: https://www.bacds.org/series/contra/san_francisco/about/
Contra attracts lots of adorable weirdos of all ages, and it’s completely normal to go without a partner and with zero dance experience. It’s not everybody’s thing, but I guarantee you’ll find the community welcoming and gracious! I’d also recommend checking out swing, blues, west coast dance groups — most dances start with a free beginner’s lesson, and you don’t have to bring a partner. I’ve made lifetime friends from dancing, and it’s a great way to find community in any new city!
Also if you ever feel like getting into funny little British folding bikes, these people are probably fun to hang out with: https://www.meetup.com/BromptonSF/
Don't know how I missed your reply earlier, thanks for the recommendations! Sounds fun. Bike meet-ups and dance seem to be big around these parts :)
It's a challenge. In your shoes, I would spend my weekends traveling to record shops, concerts in the East Bay or San Francisco. The Pacific Film Archive and the Roxie can be good. If you are interested in an in person book club in Oakland, with an eclectic mix of people, I can invite you. Be aware of artistic volunteer opportunities like ushering for plays. Stay in touch with the San Francisco festival and event schedule.
Edit, also consider taking theater or improv or other classes of interest at the local community college.
Thanks for reading, the advice, and invitation! I hadn't considered volunteer opportunities like that before, good idea. As for the book club, I might be interested if you're ok with DMing more details :) (depending more on scheduling than anything, since oakland is dead opposite the bay from me, lol)
I lived in San Jose from 29-30 (and grew up just up the peninsula from there) and am not a fan. But, I have friends who live there that love it. They are also "weirdos", as in very fringy lefty/queer, so you might be able to find success where they did.
Right now they spend a lot of time climbing at The Studio. They also go to events like Bark in the Park at Backesto Park. There are also bike groups and I'll ask them for more info if you're interested.
They came to San Jose through the Americorp program and worked at Our City Forest as part of the nursery team. While they talked about how problematic some of the leadership at the organization is, there are lots of volunteer opportunities. The Americorp employees will likely be just the folks you're looking for - just out of college, progressives, weird, queer. So I suggest going to a volunteer day.
As others have said there are other areas that are cool too. Seconding Berkeley and also adding in Santa Cruz. Santa Cruz will have all the vibes you're looking for but will be about an hour commute. It is a great area though! Happy to share more info if you want any more information!!!
Hey, I was looking at the studio! It's pretty close to me - the only thing is that climbing isn't the cheapest hobby to get into, but I'd be lying if I said that I'm not a huge fan of scurrying up vertical surfaces, so I'll take another look. Thanks as well for the Americorp recommendation - I'll definitely check it out. And bike groups / meets keep coming up, so I'll definitely have to check those out. Santa Cruz was also on my radar - I know a handful of folks from there (but unfortunately none that currently live there). But, the lack of train access and traffic makes it a pretty hard sell in terms of commute.
It's good to hear there are other "weirdos" around here too - and I figured there are - the trick is just finding the right place to meet them. I also don't want to be too narrow-minded about the kinds of folks I'll be friends with, but it is difficult to make close friends with people you don't share ideals with. I figure moving to a place like SF/Berkeley gives me a better chance of doing so, but I shouldn't give up so early down here, I guess. Thanks again for the info :)
Usually I say it takes about 6-8 months to find a community after you move. That said I lived there for 1.5 years and never really found one. I have another friend who currently lives there and is in a running group that he loves, I can ask him about it too. Also, if you're interested I can ask if he'd be interested in meet you directly. He's 24, just out of a grad program and fits the weird/queer mold. Feel free to DM if that sounds interesting.
Oh, definitely. It took me a couple years to find a group in college (not that COVID helped at all with that), so I've been through this struggle before. I shouldn't be so impatient, probably.
@boxer_dogs_dance mentioned improv and theatre. do you know anything like that for the area to recommend to @ducc?
Dear ducc, everyone's given you really great advice already so I'll fill in a tiny gap :)
Ever played D&D or other (non Warhammer) table top RPGs? I saw a lot of physically active suggestions like climbing and biking and thought, hmm where are suggestions for couch and chip weirdos.
A physical manifestation of LinkedIn sounds like a hellscape. You did well to reach out and ask for help. I also see that in replies you're not busy beating yourself up or putting yourself down which is great!
The other young weirdos probably gravitated towards careers that don't pay: for hobby classes or meet ups or whatever you want to try, think cheap cheap cheap. Think zero or nearly zero cover charge; places that let you sit all night with one drink; hole in the wall places with huge portions of food for nearly free; your local library; food bank; weekend flea market or thrift swaps; midnight triple feature arthouse theatre etc.
I mentioned improv because for some reason theatre kids seem to be weridest and starving-est. Good luck and we're all pulling for you here on Tildes :) let us know how you're doing over Christmas!
Hey chocobean, these are great adds! I don't have much information on improv or theater - those aren't really in my wheelhouse - but I've added the info on the running club and queer groups from friends who still live there below.
"Run Free Run Club is a welcoming space but it may take time to find your people there, like other regional run clubs. Recommend trying them out and then seeing if the club has a group chat focused on other activities. Consistency pays off once you find a group to invest in. I heard a good review of Queer Ascents climbing meet ups, and I enjoyed Queer Crush bouldering where folks can welcome you to outdoor bouldering trips."
I feel for you, and it seems that you've already figured out what your next step should be.
Oh most definitely: you should check out Haight-Ashbury or anywhere in the "progressive crescent". Oakland and Berkeley also have the kind of people you want to meet, maybe even more so because they're more affordable for people who aren't super career-driven. I'd recommend Berkeley more because of the ecosystem of doctoral students at Berkeley + Berkeley's cozy, post-hippy vibe. I recommend against Oakland since I used to live there: violent crime is a big issue there, and everyone in my co-op there had been held and robbed at gun or knife point at least once.
Thanks for the info! Berkeley is great - my only worry is that it would be an even longer commute to work, but if I find an area I like, I'll make it work. The prop 36 map is a good proxy for mapping out progressives, haha.
I'll take my current lease in San Jose as an opportunity to spend weekends hopping on Caltrain / BART and poking around places to figure out where to live next.
If you have interests, seek them out. If not, you can work backwards. Think of the demographics you vibe with, and then try to find activities they would be into, and join those. You don’t need to limit yourself to San Jose either. If you don’t have a car, you’ll need one living there, but it unlocks the rest of the bay.
For some generic options, rock climbing, running, hiking, board games, dnd.
This may seem random, but hear me out… Check out the Silicon Valley Curling Club. If you can, do it with a friend or coworker and enroll in a learning league or take a Learn to Curl class together. If you like it, sign up for a 1x/week league!
Curling is an extremely social sport at the club level and is also a very friendly and inclusive sport, including people of all ages. Most clubs have rules against smack talk, etc. Here’s a link to get you started. https://siliconvalleycurling.com/
Interesting! I've never looked into curling before, sounds like it could be fun. Thanks for the info :)
Hugs. I'm in the south bay (a bit further north than SJ), but my DMs are always open if you want some recommendations for local things to do.
If you're willing to travel up a bit, especialy on Caltrain or the lightrail, there's a board game cafe in Mountain View that's pretty fun! cover charge is $7 and they have meetups pretty regularly.
Thanks for the recommendation! Board game cafes are always a blast, I'll be sure to check it out.
It's called Next Level Board Game Cafe, and the owners are absolutely wonderful people!
Definitely message me if you want more details, don't want to dox either of us publicly. :)
If you're headed up to Mountain View, check out Monday's trivia night at Fred's Place. It is by far and away the greatest trivia night I've every experienced and trying to describe it would be a disservice.
Hey, I've passed by that place before! My roommates from an internship last summer (sadly none of which ended up staying here) and I always talked about going but never did. Guess I'll have to make it out there.
Going to read through responses later, but as a weirdo queer leftist person into strange art also struggling to find friends post graduation I wish you good luck!!! It may be worthwhile to look into any activist groups near you, personally I would say try and stick to ML groups but really any leftist group should be a good jumping off point!
Best of luck to you as well! Activist groups are definitely a good idea. A huge chunk of my college friends came from our school's satire paper that I was on the editorial board for. It wasn't an "activist group" per se - but it was a good way to meet people with similar beliefs and to draw attention to important issues both on campus and in the world at large. Plus it was pretty therapeutic to punch up at those in power through humor. It would be great if I could find something like that again outside of the confines of a college campus.
As a queer who lives in SF, the community you're seeking is mostly up in SF and Oakland. Figuring out how to get to the city on the weekend and finding out what communities within the weirdos and queerdos galaxy appeal to you will really help with living on the peninsula and south bay. Out of curiosity, are you queer yourself or do you just feel more at ease around them? If you happen to be queer yourself, a very common way to find community out here is to just get on all the dating apps and go wild. We're heavily poly in the bay, and there's usually at least one person in every polycule who enjoys finding new cool folks and connecting them with others.
Can you speak more about your hobbies or things you like to do in the presence of other folks who you vibe with? Like are you looking to go out and drink socially? Karaoke? Live music? Raves? Kink events? Arts and crafts? Something else?
I am queer (bisexual & haven't entirely figured out the whole gender thing for myself yet). I'm not looking to date / hookup for the most part at the moment though - I'm still finding myself after my 3-year-long relationship ended.
I enjoy drinking socially and live music - prog/noise & hyperpop are my scene (had fun at a King Gizz concert @ Stanford recently, but I went with a coworker who was a bit weirded out by the crowd so we didn't end up mingling). There's a machine girl show in SF I'd like to go to, but I'll unfortunately be out of town, so I'll keep my eyes open for more. Hobby-wise, I had a lot of fun writing & editing for my school's satire paper in college (which is where I met most of my friends), though that's a bit hard to replicate outside of school. I'd like to exercise my art & music muscles more, so I'm thinking about taking a class if I can find one that fits my schedule. I also enjoy hiking and being outdoors, though I suppose those aren't super conducive to meeting new people. Beyond that, I enjoy video games, reading, and cooking - but those don't tend to be super social activities.
Plenty of folks on dating apps are looking for queer friends, just because you don't want to date or hookup doesn't mean they can't be useful to you. I'd highly recommend hopping on Lex as well and asking about events in your wheelhouse or just browsing to get a sense of community in the area.
Lots of art and music up in the city. I know some other queer folks into hyperpop and at least one girl who loves machine girl. I'm more into EDM than hyperpop, but keep an eye on DNA lounge events, they're the kind of place that'll have hyperpop shows.
I see, good to know! Hadn't heard of Lex before, I'll have to check it out. Thanks for the info :)
As someone who grew up in the South Bay, one of the few things recreation-wise that I think the South Bay has over the rest of the Bay Area is hiking, the trails are great and have amazing views. Obviously this can be a solitary activity, though there are hiking groups that might work for you? r/norcalhiking comes to mind. Unfortunately I kind of think that for your age, outside of tech-adjacent areas, as a newcomer to the area SF and Oakland might be easier to develop a social life in. But, if you think of any other hobbies you might have or be interested in getting into, I might be able to list some options.
Edit: I'm biased, but the South Bay has the best fencing clubs in the Bay Area if you're interested in a new sport
When I was looking on Meetup, I noticed Sierra club hikes in the bay area.
Also bird watchers hike, although they might tend to be older than you are interested in hanging out with