Serious relationship problem, seeking advice
Hi friends,
I'm frequent lurker, infrequent poster here on a throw away account for what will be obvious reasons.
I have very difficult, potentially relationship ending problem in my life and I need some outside perspective.
Some context- I have a long term girlfriend who I love and cherish very much. We own a home, car, dog, have shared friends, finances, etc etc, we're very intertwined. Her sister moved in with us a few years back and while I was initially put off by this we've grown to love and care for each other a lot and are a large part of each others lives. All three of us are in our 30's. Our little family is very close- We spend every evening and almost every weekend all three of us together. Vacations, eating out, etc are always with all 3 of us (not literally, an anniversary dinner would be just us but on a typical day out we're all together). I would move mountains for either of them and if any real harm befell either I would be devastated, I think they would both say the same.
The problem is over time feelings have grown for the sister. Romantic feelings. I've been doing a mix of suppressing / ignoring / living in denial of this for over a year now, maybe two? It's all quite fuzzy. For a long time I've lived this mindset that if I just pushed it down a little harder the next time, did a little better about not thinking about her, it'll eventually go away. A couple months ago I decided to take a step back from her and limit my time around her and utterly failed. My new distance was noticed and became a thing. I was confronted and admitted I was creating some distance. She was very upset at this. Tears were shed on both sides, I felt awful and in the ensuing heart to heart found out she cared for me at a deeper level than I ever knew. My love for her (in all forms) grew from this making me worse off than when I started.
I think it's worth mentioning that I dont think the sister is "in" to me in the same way, at least she's never done or said anything to indicate as such. She is also very shy and has some self esteem/confidence issues and has made some remarks about "probably dying alone" and being "not attractive" (which is wild to me, shes a beautiful girl). Shes never been on a date or been kissed. The reason I mention all this is I think a part of me wants to be some "savior" for her from this path. It's certainly not the only thing drawing me to her but it is something.
So now this is all starting to boil over in my psyche and I'm left wondering what to do. I can only think of a handful of options. (1) I tell my girlfriend the entirety or maybe softened version of all this. I have no idea how this would go, maybe she wants to try to work through it with me, maybe she sees it as a betrayal and leaves me (2) I give no reason and break up with my girlfriend. We lose our home and life and turn everyone's lives upside down in the process, but in some circumstances possibly the nicest option?(3) I tell the sister, most likely permanently destroying the relationship we have and making our interaction uncomfortable forever. I think expressing all this to her and hearing the most likely response of "No I dont like you like that at all you're a freak get away from me" maybe would undo this spell Im under though. (4) I keep it inside, bottle it up, and live like this forever. Am I 100% confident that I can do that forever and something will never slip out? No. (5) Try a new means of dealing with this, maybe therapy, and hope and prey it works. I dont think this is an option for me anymore. There have been talks and expectations of a proposal next month on our anniversary and discussions of having kids on the horizon. The appropriate time to mentally confront this would have been a long while back, now I've lost the luxury of time to work this out. No more experiments, I need to make a decision and move forward.
All of these options are AWFUL and most involve hurting my girlfriend, her sister, or both which tears my heart apart and neither deserve that. I would love to hear any alternatives. I hate myself for allowing myself to get sucked into this mindset and fantasy realm. I know it's my fault, I know I failed them, I know I should have better control over myself. I'm mentally weak in that way I guess. I have no idea what to do.
No I would find a way to remove myself from this situation and take this shit to the grave.
lil sis needs to move out. Give yall some space to work on your monogamous relationship. you love her but you dont wanna be in a relationship with your girlfriends whole family etc etc gf does not need to know your real feelings
This is a tricky situation, sorry that you've found yourself there. I would ask one thing, that may take you a long time to ponder over so don't rush to an answer, but if the sister moved out of the country and you never saw her again, would you still want to marry your girlfriend without a doubt?
(edit: another thought experiment is if your girlfriend moved away suddenly and you never saw HER again, would you be upset or relieved? Would you want to pursue the sister?)
What I'm getting at is basically that the sister may not be the real issue and you are missing some kind of fulfilment in your relationship with your girlfriend. Being in 'puppy-love' happens so often in office places ('work wife/work girlfriend') because of prolonged exposure and proximity to someone who fills some kind of missing piece to the 'at-home' relationship (or simply that they have grown apart from their SO and have mentally checked out of the relationship, and in other cases just for the thrill of it). You have to sus out whether your relationship is the issue or you actually are falling for her sister.
If it were me, it would start with the sister moving out on her own and me going to therapy. Of course, this will almost definitely come with a long, difficult discussion with your girlfriend in either case. If you are meant to be together forever, you cannot start your family thinking of another woman. If you cannot have a heart to heart conversation about this at the start (before infidelity or flirting or further thoughts happen), then maybe this relationship isn't meant to be.
This is going to seem like a very specific question - and it is - but I think it gets at the heart of where you're at on all this. It's the linchpin of what you've written and I think answering/giving advice before understanding better would be a mistake.
Tell me more about this scenario. How it goes in your head, whether you're telling your girlfriend also in this scenario (and if so, in what order), what you're hoping will happen.
Studies on mate choice copying and phenotypic matching show that human beings have a highly statistically significant tendency to find the siblings of people they are already attracted to physically and genetically appealing.
I don't know if this helps you, just saying that you're not exactly alone in experiencing something like that. Usually the worst of it goes away in a few years. Your situation is unusual and problematic mostly due to the constant contact, I suppose?
I don't think free will comes into play in things like this.
I’m just gonna ask, is it not an option for her to move out?
To my shame, I can speak to this situation. I developed feelings for my wife's sister, and with my wife's permission, shared those feelings. It wasn't anything I would have hoped for. Get you some distance from the situation. Your feelings are understandable, but distance is the only cure.
I think these talks should include the idea of the sister moving out. You can bring it up openly, perhaps by asking if your girlfriend would want to raise kids with her sister in the house? Be prepared to share your side, but rehearse how you are going to proceed in this conversation. Perhaps "soften" it by focusing on other truths - do you wish you had more solo time with your girlfriend? Does her sister's presence limit your intimacy (however that looks in your relationship)? Do you want to have the sister co-parent (crushes/romantic feelings aside)?
The reality is that you know how to handle this situation better than any of us do - this discussion is really just a sounding board to help you identify how you already want to move forward with this.
I think your judgment might be clouded by your feelings (crush?) for the sister. One question before my advice:
If the sister has feelings for you, would you leave your partner?
If yes: go to therapy first and work on yourself.
If no: proceed with my advice.
In my experience, you have to tell your partner. A reasonable partner will hear you out and help you work through the issue. Crushes happen. You haven't done anything wrong yet, but your partner deserves transparency. If they react poorly at first... well, it would be a shock, give them a little time to process. But if you have a strong foundation of understanding and trust in your relationship, there's no reason you can't work through a crush.
Bottling this up and keeping it a secret could work for some people, eventually your unrequited romantic feelings for the sister should fade. But I suspect keeping it a secret for this long has exacerbated the issue so far, and if you're reaching out for help, it might be worth trying a more honest approach with your micro-family. But whatever you do, talk to your partner FIRST. And if you talk to them, be sure that you aren't asking for permission (even subtly) to be with their sibling. It won't end well.