16
votes
When did you realize you were different?
"Different" can be interpreted in any way, in any context, for any magnitude.
When did you realize you were different?
What prompted it?
How did you feel about it then?
Has the difference changed over time?
Have your feelings changed over time?
I realised I'm trans when I was ~3 years old
Believe it or not, bottom dysphoria. Let's say someone may have tried to cut their wee wee off with children's scissors while nobody was watching. Didn't work but it still ended up bloody.
I didn't actually know what it really was (i.e. that it had a name and that it was a thing other people also felt) until I was maybe around 11. All I know is that everything felt wrong, I ended up independently creating labels for my self that the rest of the community also ended up popularising, always imagining myself as a girl, and legitimately expecting to go through female puberty.
Yeppers.
I was originally terrified of having to transition because I was paranoid it'd do fuck all because my body was cursed by a wicked witch or some shit. But hell yeah buddy I love being a woman
Being Asian in a very white town, it was made clear to me that I was different. I also came into kindergarten with a large vocabulary (I managed to make a girl cry by remarking she knew how to write in "cursive," but she thought "cursive" was something bad probably having to do with cursing) and was deemed gifted by first grade. I may have been borderline autistic or neurodivergent; I often felt like I was in my own channel and was always surprised when someone told me that whatever X I was into was weird. All that was pretty much over by university, though, when I was like every other college student cramming for tests and drinking lots of coffee.
Same experience being Asian and then going to school and seeing the vast majority were White. There were some Black students and handful of Latino students. But I don't remember any fellow Asians students from like Kindergarten to 3rd Grade. At least in my classes. I'm sure there were a handful in other classes and grades.
That messed with me for a long time, especially in middle school when girls and boys were starting to "date." Girls -- of any race -- had crushes on my White guy friends, but never on me (that I ever knew). I could be friends with these girls, but never anything more. Though by high school, finally met more open-minded people.
And kinda had a similar experience academically. My mom was a SAHM through at least like 2nd grade. So before Kindergarten, before my younger brother was born, we were just constantly playing school. I could count to 100. I could tie my own shoes. I knew the alphabet, I had basic reading skills already, I think I was ahead of the game on telling time with an analog clock. I was never deemed "gifted" (I don't think the schools I went to had those programs) but I was certainly always place in advanced classes.
I vaguely remember being surprised at how "dumb" my classmates were. I never said that to them, but I'm pretty sure I thought it. But by middle school, I came across other students who excelled academically as well, and we'd engage in friendly competition, which was fun.
By Sophomore/Junior year of high school, I was still ahead of the average, but there were many more students who were playing the academic game that I was kinda done with. I did well by the end, but it's not like I graduated at or above a 4.0 GPA. And yeah, college disabused me of any notion that being "smart" mattered.
Good questions. Can't have been more than 4 or 5 when I had my first experiences of not fitting in, or that's as far back as I remember anyhow. Didn't fit in then, and don't think I ever have since. If anything the difference has gotten worse with time and so have my feelings about it. I more or less nowadays accepted that I'll never have a life resembling anywhere near normal and to be honest I'm noticing the past few years becoming really a bitter person.
Uh, it was the usual nerd stuff. It was probably in kindergarten when they made a big deal out of already being an avid reader and being able to count as long as they're willing to listen. I got praised for it and it seemed like a good thing. And later, being bad at sports was embarrassing. But I pretty much just accepted that this was who I was and that other kids had different strengths. I didn't question it and didn't think I could become good at non-academic stuff too.
It started with being from a different country, I thought I didn't fit in because I was an immigrant. People were curious, but not super welcoming when I was a little kid (with some exceptions).
Then I thought it was just not fitting in with most of the people at school. Perhaps I was just unlucky?
For a while I was sure it was to do with my religious beliefs, and perhaps to a degree it was, but that wasn't really it either, not fully. Plus the schools I attended were supposed to match my beliefs anyway.
Once I started working, I thought it was a skill I was missing, so I tried to pick it up. I practiced with clients, colleagues and bosses, with everyone I met, but somehow I never quite got fully accepted by most people.
It was only once my kids had started to grow up, and with a little gentle prodding from my wife, I finally got a diagnosis for Autism, and everything suddenly made so much more sense.
To answer some of the remaining questions: For so long I kind of felt like an alien in a human body, playing the part only at a surface level. I don't think that's gone away, but I understand why, and can navigate the consequences better.